


Voice of the Heart

by Loulouche, TiamatZX



Series: Voice of the Heart [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asshole Fathers Getting Roasted, But only in flashbacks and in dialogue, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Curses, Divergent after C2E119, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit for one moment in Chapter 18, F/F, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Final Chapter only, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Minor Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Self-Harm, Self-Harm TW for 15 and 16, Shopping, Spoilers for up to C2E120, Suicidal Thoughts TW for 19 and 24, Therapy, Thoreau Lionett Being an Asshole, Vulnerability, Warning: Obann (Critical Role), What if Beau still never got to tell Yasha about the letter after Eiselcross?, Will update the rating as we go as well, but that's a given, more tags as we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 201,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loulouche/pseuds/Loulouche, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiamatZX/pseuds/TiamatZX
Summary: "So, what's going on? Another sword to fix?"Fjord, who often takes the lead when it comes to speaking, steps forward. "No, not this time. Our request has nothing to do with blacksmithing."He turns to Beauregard for help, but then he sees Deilin has joined them and is standing next to his friend. The elven girl raises her arm and flexes her biceps. A slight smile appears on Beauregard's face as she mimics Deilin's movement. Deilin nods, visibly happy and satisfied. Beauregard raises her two hands and signs to Deilin, with hesitant motions: **I need your help.**---When Expositor Beauregard Lionett sticks her nose where she shouldn't and the Cerberus Assembly discovers it, they don’t kill her. Instead, they decide to make an example out of her and send a very clear message to the Cobalt Soul… by taking away her most precious asset.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein, Beauregard Lionett/Yasha Nydoorin, The Mighty Nein & Yasha
Series: Voice of the Heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2126487
Comments: 116
Kudos: 261





	1. Just A Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment that I step outside/So many reasons for me to run and hide  
> I can't do the little things I hold so dear/'Cause it's all those little things that I fear  
> Oh, I'm just a girl, living in captivity/Your rule of thumb makes me worrisome  
> Oh, I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?/What I've succumbed to is making me numb  
> Oh, I'm just a girl, my apologies/What I've become is so burdensome  
> Oh, I'm just a girl, lucky me/Twiddle-dum, there's no comparison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to this monster of a collaboration between Loulouche and myself. It was her at first, and then I became a beta reader, and now we're working together on this one.
> 
> Updates will occur as we go, maybe weekly, maybe later. It depends.
> 
> Also, each chapter is named after a song on Beau and Yasha's playlists, past and present.
> 
> Please feel free to share, leave kudos, and most importantly, COMMENTS.
> 
> UPDATE! A prologue has been added to Chapter 1, to serve as a framing device for when exactly the story diverges from canon.
> 
> There is a reason for this. You'll find out why, eventually...

_Time._

_When you move through it, from moment to moment, you make choices. Each choice guides the next path of where this timeline will go._

_But when you make that choice, so many potential timelines are left to decay. So much potential lost to redistribute into the universe._

_This is but one possibility, splintering from an endless font of potential outcomes._

_But what if Fate had other plans, on one particular day?_

* * *

Without question, this was the weirdest shit Beau had seen in her life, and she’s seen a lot.

The Mighty Nein had made their way through Eiselcross with the eventual destination plan of reaching the central ruins of Aeor, which sat to the east across a volcanic river of magma.

They had traveled to the site designated A2, where they stood now, trying to head off the Tomb Takers for what seemed to be one of the artifacts they're attempting to gather before heading to Aeor themselves. They managed to buy time by flying in the air via giant eagles, and upon trekking deep within, they had encountered strange locales and ancient Aeorian citizens, frozen in some sort of weird, magical time bubble. Deeper still into the ruin, they had discovered strange laboratories, one of which housed a horrifying, mutated abomination.

That was an experience Beau hoped to never repeat again.

The sudden sensation of being stunned, helpless, and unable to escape as she was grabbed and swallowed by such a creature. It was only through her ingenious move of dumping her entire pack of suude into its gullet, which bought her enough time to be pulled out by Veth and Yasha.

An escape hatch they discovered had led to an even further subterranean, nearly petrified forest, corrupted by some sort of unknown source. The forest itself reminded Beau of the Savalirwood, specifically the blight that had infested the Clay family’s home, the Blooming Grove. But beyond that, they came upon a hallway and stairs that descended into a blue-lit chamber, in the same direction that Jester's _Locate Object_ spell had indicated the second threshold crest they sought would be. Caleb had just dispelled the magical barrier that had prevented entry and they began trekking down the stairways into a blue-lit, familiar chamber.

And yet, all that was on her mind, for quite a long time… was Yasha. The aasimar barbarian that wrote Beau a letter. And Beau had been planning on telling Yasha about it, that it moved her. It made her feel seen. It made her feel… hopeful. Yet she also felt overwhelmed, nervous, scared.

She had gone through one near-death experience already today. She is unsure as to what else lay ahead for the Mighty Nein. What if she never gets another chance? She should say something, _anything_ , just to get it out in the open.

…

But Beau remained silent. She doesn’t even stop Yasha so they could talk. She’s too frightened of rejection, that it was too much, too soon. That it just wasn’t the right time. They still had to resolve the situation with the Eyes of Nine, after all. They still had to resolve everything first.

Beau silently cursed herself for being such a coward.

If only she knew… just how much that hesitation would hurt her so…

* * *

**Several weeks later...**

* * *

It’s another lively day in the elven/dwarven city of Uthodurn, most notably in the subterranean city’s Liber Disk. Customers and patrons partaking in the various masons of mercantile and indulging in the beauty of the crafts of creation, from the pleasant aroma of pastries from the Softer Stoneforge to the smithies paying tribute to the Allhammer.

Umagorn is hard at work in the Anvil of Smeltborne, the forge bequeathed to him by his late father Dulgrim, shaping a massive blade with his assistant Deilin when he hears a knock on the door. He hits the metal once more with his hammer before putting it down with a grunt and walking to the door. His eyes open wide when he discovers who is visiting him.

"Well, if it ain't the Mighty Nein!"

Fjord is heading the party. He answers with his usual charming tone. "Hello, Umagorn. I hope we're not bothering you?"

"Depends. Did you bring cupcakes?"

"We did."

Jester walks to the front of the group with a big box in her hands. Umagorn eyes her. She seems way quieter than she usually is. He shoots a look at the rest of the group and notices their stern faces.

"Well. I don't know you," he points at Yasha, who remains completely still, "but you seem to be the kind who always looks sad. The rest of you, however… What happened to you? You were a lot more annoying last time I saw you. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm a bit concerned."

Fjord clears his throat. "It's a long story."

Umagorn stares at them, one by one. He can barely see Beauregard. She's standing behind Caduceus, next to the giant woman that he has never seen before, hood up, face down, not looking at him.

"Come in."

They all quietly make their way inside and he closes the door behind them.

Deilin is working on her own piece of metal. When they enter, she stops for a moment and greets them with a hand motion. They all respond, except for Beauregard, who looks away. Deilin doesn't seem to notice, or if she does, she doesn't mind.

Umagorn leads them to a table to the side where they can sit, but they all stay up. "So, what's going on? Another sword to fix?"

Fjord, who often takes the lead when it comes to speaking, steps forward. "No, not this time. Our request has nothing to do with blacksmithing."

"What is it, then?"

Fjord looks embarrassed. He turns to Beauregard for help, but then he sees Deilin has joined them and is standing next to his friend. The monk seems a bit taken aback, almost afraid, but the elven girl raises her arm and flexes her biceps. For a moment, Beauregard has no reaction. Fjord is about to interfere to try and loosen the tension that is about to settle in, but suddenly, a slight smile appears on Beauregard's face as she mimics Deilin's movement. Deilin nods, visibly happy and satisfied.

All the party members are shocked: they haven't seen a smile on Beauregard's face since they’ve had her back.

While they all witness that strange interaction, Umagorn is running out of patience. "I have work to do, you know. Will you tell me why you're here, or do I have to-"

He briskly stops and his eyes widen when he sees Beauregard raise her two hands and sign to Deilin, with hesitant motions: **I need your help.**

As understanding washes over him, his eyes widen even more. “Aye. I see what you mean. Please, by all means...” he says as he pulls up a chair and sits down. He then looks over towards the pale-skinned lass. “I apologize for being ignorant, but… you remind me of a friend I know.”

“Oh. Um...” the woman responds, with a timbre to her voice that resonates profound sadness with an air of anxiety.

“In case you’re wondering, Umi...” Jester interjects, and Umagorn has to hold back a sharp retort about not wanting to be called by that name by anyone other than the other person on his mind, “she’s kinda like Reani, but not. This is our friend, Yasha.”

“Yes. I’m Yasha. Pleased to…meet you...” Yasha holds out her hand in a rather awkward manner, but Umagorn takes it in stride and shakes it gently.

“Pleasure’s mine, lass. I’m assuming you’re also a friend of lovely Reanminere. Well, any friend of hers is a friend of mine.” He then gives a soft glare (well, as soft as a dwarf like him could muster) in Jester’s direction. “But only Reani gets to call me Umi.”

Jester chuckles nervously, providing a brief reprieve from the otherwise tense atmosphere.

“But in any case, what exactly happened to Miss Lionett over there? She’s… rather quiet. I think I get why, but please, I got time to listen.”

The ginger human wizard, Caleb, speaks up, “Well, _Herr_ Umagorn, it’s… It’s something that happened recently. It technically all started a little over a week ago.”

“Technically,” Jester adds in a very un-Jester-like tone. _Now_ they have Umagorn and Deilin worried, as they see Beauregard shrink a little further into herself, holding Yasha’s hand for support.

“This is what happened, the last time we were in Rexxentrum...”

* * *

Beauregard has been missing for a week. A whole week. Seven days.

The Mighty Nein had been investigating the Cerberus Assembly for some time and for once, their targets had left a trail behind them. The party was onto something, Beauregard was absolutely certain of it. One night, she left the tower, saying she needed to check on something, and never returned. Jester sent her a message that was left unanswered. They searched for her everywhere, but never found her. As a last resort, they reached out to Dairon, who promised they would find her.

But it has been a week, and still no news whatsoever. They are all worried sick.

On the eighth day, Dairon sends a bearer to the inn they are staying at with a note, asking them to meet them at the Rexxentrum Archive. They hurry and get there within the hour. As soon as they arrive, they drown Dairon with questions. They are prompt to stop them.

"Calm down, please."

Jester steps forward. "Just tell us if she's alright, please!" Her tone is pleading.

"Beauregard is alive."

Fjord frowns. "What does it mean? Is she okay?"

"If you stop interrupting me, maybe I can explain."

They all quietly stare at Dairon, waiting for clarification.

"She is alive and she is well. For the most part."

Fjord is about to interrupt her again, but Caduceus puts a soothing hand on his arm. "Let them speak."

Dairon thanks him with a nod and resumes. "We didn't find her, the Cerberus Assembly brought her back to us."

They are all in shock. Why would they do that?

"They came to the Archive this morning and said they had found her where she wasn't supposed to be. They didn't say anything else, didn’t give any explanation. I wasn't there when it happened, but everybody in the Cobalt Soul knew we were missing an Expositor and the archivists immediately brought Beauregard to me. She was awfully quiet and I quickly realized something was wrong. As soon as we were left alone, I started questioning her to understand what had happened, but she didn't respond. I-" Dairon grits their teeth. They stop for a moment and for the first time, the Mighty Nein sees them helpless.

"I don’t know how they did it, but she can no longer speak."

They all gasp in shock. Caleb is the only one who remains completely silent. His eyes go wide and he starts shivering.

Veth shakes herself out of her stupor first. "Well, did you call for a cleric already? Jester and Caduceus can help her, right guys?"

Jester is still stunned, but Caduceus tries to bring himself back to reality. "I mean, yes. Where is she?"

Dairon's tone is sharp when they answer, "Do you really think the Assembly didn't anticipate this?"

Caduceus is taken aback by their strong reaction. "I mean…"

Yasha, who was standing at the back of the group, steps forward. "Hey, don't yell at him."

"I'm sorry." Dairon is agitated. "This might be the first time in my entire tenure as an Expositor that I feel truly powerless."

Yasha's worry is growing with each passing minute, but she tries to keep a cool head. "Dairon. Tell us what they had done to her. All of it."

Dairon sighs. They look away for a moment and then stare at them one by one. "They placed some sort of enchantment on her, or maybe a curse, I don't know. My knowledge in the field of arcana is not sufficient to understand the extent of it." They turn to Caleb, "Maybe you will be able to figure out what they did to her. One of our clerics examined her and she is completely fine. We thought they might have hurt her, but there is nothing wrong, not with her tongue, not with her vocal cords. Our cleric tried to cure her and cast a restoration spell, but it didn't do anything. This is not physical, this is something else."

Caleb remains silent. He is still perfectly quiet and he seems to be deep in his thoughts. Veth walks up to him and gently tugs his sleeve.

“Caleb?”

He gets startled and swiftly looks at her. They stare at each other until he clears his throat. "They could have killed her, but they didn't. They're sending a message."

Dairon's face is serious. "Of course they are. They want to prevent us from digging any deeper. Which means we're on the right path."

Yasha briskly interferes. "Hold on a minute. You speak as if you were considering the possibility to continue your investigation."

"What else are we supposed to do?"

"B- But- They could have killed her!"

"Don't worry, Beauregard will not be part of the investigation anymore. She needs to take some time off after what she's been through."

"It's still dangerous for others! I mean, I’m- I’m worried about her and obviously she must not work on this anymore, but other people could get hurt! The Assembly sent a clear message, why are you not listening? Why don't you stop?"

"Because if we do, the Cobalt Soul no longer has a reason to exist."

"So be it!" Yasha is furious and no one dares to interfere. "What happened to her is your fault in the first place!"

Dairon stiffens. They look Yasha in the eye and the barbarian stares right back at them. The tension is unbearable. Jester is about to speak up, but she is taken short as Dairon walks toward Yasha and stands right in front of her.

"Beauregard knew what she was getting herself into when she agreed to investigate the Cerberus Assembly. However, don't think for a second that I won't live the rest of my days with that guilt."

Yasha’s voice is barely audible between her gritted teeth, “You should.”

They stare at each other for a bit longer, but Dairon eventually breaks eye contact and looks at the rest of the group. “What’s important right now is that she is alive and she was able to provide us with precious information. Despite what she’s endured, she’s still as tough and brave as she used to be. The Cobalt Soul will go through with the investigation and we will get to the bottom of this. You have my word.”

They nod but don’t say much. Yasha remains still, her arms crossed on her chest.

“Until then, I think you all deserve and need vacation.”

Caleb suddenly breaks his silence, “I believe I speak for all when I say we want to help.”

“And you will, but when the time is right. For the time being, Beauregard must get away from all of this, and she will need you by her side.” Dairon looks Yasha right in the eye. “All of you.”

Jester looks down and shrinks. She is on the verge of tears. Fjord steps next to her and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Would you bring us to her, Dairon, please?”

“Of course. Follow me.”

A few minutes later, they come into what seems to be an office. Beauregard is sitting on a stool. She is facing the wall and her back is turned to the door. She has her elbows on her knees, her hands are locked in front of her and she is bent down.

As soon as she sees her, Jester beams up. “Beau!”

The monk turns around. She has dark circles under her eyes and she looks exhausted. Jester immediately wraps her arms around her neck and pulls her into a hug, but she barely reacts. They all gather around Beauregard, except Yasha who stays a few feet away. They hug her one by one, even Caleb, and tell her how happy and relieved they are that she is alive and they finally got her back. She nods, but doesn’t react much. Yasha eventually joins them and shyly puts a hand on her shoulder. Beau looks at her and Yasha feels her heart break when she sees the dull pain on her face and in her eyes. The shadow staring at her is not Beau. It can’t be.

They are all shocked by the state she is in. Some of them are doing a better job at hiding it than others, but they are all deeply rattled.

Caduceus crouches down in front of Beauregard and she looks at him with no emotion on her face apart from sorrow and misery. He speaks in his deep soothing voice, “Don’t worry, dear. We will take care of you,” and he offers a kind smile, as if he were actually convinced things would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I'm glad me and Luce finally decided to debut this monster of a fanfic that we've been toiling over for about a month so far. It's still not quite finished yet, but better to start now than later.
> 
> Also, as a disclaimer, we will go back to tidy up or edit things as we go just in case, so re-reads are recommended.


	2. I Am Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can think of one thousand places/Much worse than this  
> But I am here, I am here/I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear  
> I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near  
> Cause I am here, I am here/All of this wrong, but I'm still right here  
> I don't have the answers, but the question is clear  
> Let me ask you/Where does everybody go when they go?/So let me ask you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, GO! Fair warning: some chapters will be VERY lengthy.

The first days are quite difficult, not to mention challenging. Beauregard spends most of her time alone when she is not working out with Fjord or researching at the Vellum Steeple Archive with Caleb. They try to make her feel at ease, but it is hard to include her in any conversation when she barely knows sign language and they barely understand it. She tried writing, but it is obviously very different from speaking: less natural, less fluid, less involving. So she isolates herself from the rest of the party. Even when she is with them, she is quiet. This is unsettling for everybody.

They thought they would stay at Reani's, but the aasimar is not in Uthodurn. The day they arrived, when they asked about her, Umagorn told them she was out of town on a mission. Jester sent her a message to let her know they were in the neighborhood, without mentioning Beau's current state, and she promised to visit them when she would be back.

In the meantime, the Mighty Nein goes to Caleb's tower when he has enough energy left to conjure it, which is almost every night. Beauregard seems to appreciate these nights in the tower. She looks at ease, a bit less stiff than she is during the day. The fact that the tower is very vast and she doesn't have to stay with the party as much probably helps. Veth doesn't complain either, since she can have Yeza and Luc with her.

Every night, before going to the tower, they spend at least two hours with Deilin. The elven girl accepted to teach them without a second thought when they explained the situation and asked for help. Umagorn is not always there, but when he is around, a role reversal happens and he becomes Deilin's assistant. While no one among the Mighty Nein knew, Beauregard had started learning sign language. She wanted to be able to communicate more easily with Deilin if they ever visited again, but she didn't know she was helping herself for future dark times in her own life. Her sharp wit and absolute necessity to learn aid the process too and she is by far the quickest learner of the group. Caleb and his keen mind are right behind her. For the rest of them, it’s more difficult. But some of them don't need words, whether verbal or signed.

* * *

After a while, Beau opens up a bit. She spends more time with her friends and she starts learning blacksmithing with Deilin, which results in long days shared between the library and the forge, and followed by lessons at night.

Deilin was born silent, so their two situations are not exactly similar, but it brings comfort to Beauregard to have someone who understands and goes through the same struggles as she does.

They learn to know each other and once Beau goes beyond Deilin’s shyness, she discovers she is very smart and has a keen sense of humor. Not that she ever doubted it, but had she not suffered from that condition, she would have probably never seen past her apparent coyness. She is well aware of that and it makes her sad that so many people like Deilin are excluded from society and don’t get to show their full potential because they are not able to communicate on the same levels as others.

* * *

Yasha has never been good with words.

She spent months eating up her feelings, until Zuala made the first move. If it hadn’t been for her, they might have never been married. Sometimes it makes her wonder where she would be now. Maybe she would have married the person she was promised to. Maybe Zuala would still be alive. Maybe she would have never met Molly and the Mighty Nein. Probably.

Although sign language is hard, she tries her best to learn as fast as possible. She discovers that in certain circumstances, signing is actually easier than speaking for her. She has never been good with words.

Early on, the Mighty Nein all agreed that whether or not they were talking to Beauregard, they would use both verbal and sign language, mainly to practice, but also to slow down to Beau’s pace. At first, Veth is the only one not doing it. Until Yasha confronts her.

They are having dinner in the tower and talking about their respective day. Jester, Fjord and Caduceus hung out in town. Jester ate way too many pastries and still didn’t get sick. Sometimes, the rest of the party wonders if she’s resistant to food poisoning in addition to cold. Caleb spent his whole day in the archive, searching for a resolution to the enchantment weighing on Beau. Yasha, not having much to do, accompanied him. Veth went shopping with her family and spoiled Luc with gifts.

When everybody is done telling their day, there’s only Beau left. She is getting better at signing with each passing day, but her motions are still a bit hesitant sometimes. Even when she gets it right, more often than not, her friends are not good enough to understand what she is saying and she has to start all over again or write. She is in the middle of explaining how Deilin taught her how to forge fine blades, when Veth interrupts her.

“Soon, we won’t need to pay for blacksmithing anymore!”

She seems genuinely enthusiastic and happy for Beauregard, but she spoke without signing. Yasha glances at her but doesn’t comment. Instead, she turns to Beau and signs while speaking.

“Do you like learning with her?”

Beauregard corrects one of her hand motions, which was a bit clumsy, and then answers, **I wouldn’t become a blacksmith, but I like using my hands.** She pauses. She seems to be looking for the right words. **It makes me feel useful right now.**

Yasha smiles and nods.

Veth keeps going with a joyful tone, “You could make like- like a sword for Fjord! Or an armor for Caduceus!”

The half-orc raises his eyebrows. “Well, I think we’re good on that.”

Caduceus speaks with his soothing low voice, his usual pace not really affected by the use of signs. “Pumat kindly put in some extra hours to upgrade my armor in time when we left for Eiselcross. I don’t want to assume too much, not that I think Beau cannot become a great blacksmith, but for the time being I don’t think she could make something better than that.”

“You guys are no fun!” Veth turns back to her friend. “Beau, will you make something for me?”

**What would you like?**

“I don’t know. Maybe a short sword. Oh, no! Some cool new arrow heads!”

**I don’t think I can do that, but maybe Deilin or Umagorn could.**

“But it’s not the same. I want _you_ to do it for me!”

Jester suddenly gets ecstatic. “Oh, oh, oh!” She claps her hands and thinks for a moment to find the right hand motions. “Do you think you could make me a necklace?”

Beauregard smiles. **This is jewelry making, it’s very different from blacksmithing.**

“Oh, maaan!”

Beauregard’s smile widens as she gets visibly endeared by her friend.

Veth gets even more excited all of a sudden. “You could make more weapons for Luc!”

The little boy, who was pushing peas to the side of his plate, beams up. “That’d be so cool!” Without speaking, he signs to Beauregard, **Can you?** He picked up on sign language very quickly and uses it far more easily than most of the adults of the group.

Yeza panics. ”Honey, I think he has enough toy weapons already.” His hand motions are hesitant, mostly because he is freaking out.

“There’s no such thing as enough weapons.” Veth looks at Beauregard. “Right, Beau?”

They hear a loud thud and they all instantly turn to Yasha.

The barbarian just took a sip of wine and she hit the table when she put her glass down. She stares at Veth with a gloomy look on her face. “You really don’t pick up on hints, do you?”

Silence settles in for a moment.

Veth stares back at her with a baffled look on her face. “What- What do you mean?”

“Everybody is signing. Can you not do the same?”

“I mean- Beauregard is not deaf, she can hear us.”

“Yes, but we agreed that it would be nice to use sign language as well as verbal communication.”

Beauregard knocks on the table to get Yasha’s attention. **It’s okay. She’s right. This is probably bothering, you don’t have to do this.**

“Yes, we do.” Yasha is so upset that she forgets to sign as she speaks. She swiftly turns back to the halfling. “You know, Veth, Beau was willing to give up on her happiness and on all of us just to lift your stupid curse. So it would be nice if for once, you showed a little respect and tried to accommodate her.”

Yasha stands up with a loud squeal of her chair and leaves the dining room. They look at each other, all taken aback by her unusual strong reaction.

After that night, every time Beauregard is present, Veth always signs while she is speaking, even if she’s not directly talking to her.

* * *

They have been in Uthodurn for three weeks when Reani comes back from her mission. They meet her at her place and when they explain the whole situation, she gives Beau a hug and the monk doesn’t deny it. Yasha watches from afar, not saying much, which is not very different from her usual self, so nobody notices.

As an aasimar, she is supposed to be like Reani, but they look so dissimilar. Reani looks so much more… angelic. Yasha wonders if she will ever get a halo like hers. She doesn’t know how she would feel about that. This would probably bring attention to her, and she doesn’t like being at the center of attention.

They spend the rest of the day with Reani.

The druid is a ray of sunshine. She is sometimes a bit extreme in her statements and positions, but she seems to bring joy to the whole group, including Beau. Yasha doesn’t know how she feels about it.

That night, they don’t go to the tower and stay at Reani’s instead. Her place is small, but it feels nice to be all bundled up together. They celebrate their reunion with her and drink a bit too much. This is the first time in weeks that Beau actually loosens up. At some point, she leaves Reani and the Mighty Nein to join Yasha who has been sitting in a corner for the past hour.

**You’re quiet tonight.**

“Am I not always?”

**You’re more than usual.**

“I just don’t want to bother you guys. Clearly you have some catching up to do with Reani and I mean, it’s okay... You hadn’t seen her in a long time.”

**I wish you had been here.**

Yasha frowns.

**Last time we were here in Uthodurn. Fighting a white dragon was…** She stops and Yasha can see she is looking for a word.

“Dope?”

Beau nods in approval. Yasha can’t help but notice that she doesn’t seem to mind her finishing her sentence. She usually gets visibly upset when Veth or others cut her short and do it, but here, she doesn’t. Instead, she smiles. She looks pleased and Yasha wonders if she picked exactly the word she was looking for.

Jester is enthusiastically explaining the rules of a game she is probably making up as she is talking. Her friends are trying to understand, and failing, judging by their expressions. Veth tries to add in some other rules and it becomes even more confusing, but Jester seems to like her ideas. As they are trying to make sense of it all, Reani looks around, looking for Beau. When she spots her sitting next to Yasha, she smiles and waves at both of them. She opens her mouth, apparently ready to speak, but stops. Her eyes go from Beau to Yasha several times and she smiles to herself before turning back to the rest of the group.

“What was that?”

Beauregard shrugs, **It’s Reani.** as if it was enough of an explanation in itself.

They remain silent for a moment. Beau starts fidgeting and Yasha glances at her.

**Sorry.**

“Are you okay?”

Beau sighs. She thinks for a moment and scratches the back of her neck. **I slept with Reani.**

Yasha raises her eyebrows.

Beau looks at her expectantly. **You’re not saying anything.**

“It’s just... I- I knew.”

**Jester told you?**

“No, I figured. You guys seem pretty close.”

**Are you mad?**

Yasha opens her mouth to answer, but she ends up not saying anything.

She doesn’t know how she feels about that. Apparently, there are a lot of things about Reani that make her question her emotions.

Beau taps her on the shoulder to get her attention. **Just one night.**

Yasha is confused, “Why are you telling me that?”

Beau shrugs and looks away. She seems embarrassed.

“You can hook up with whoever you want, I don’t care.”

Beau glances at her. This time, she looks… Yasha can’t tell for sure, but she looks hurt. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just- I... This is none of my business and I’m- I’m not sure why you would tell me that.”

Usually, Beau would have engaged in lengthy justifications to explain why she thought it was a good idea - but clearly it wasn’t - to give her that information, but she can’t. Strangely, not being able to rant like she used to makes her uncomfortable. She has to go straight to the point and this is incredibly difficult.

She tries to stop her hands from shaking to form clear signs. **I like your vibe better.** And with that, she stands up and shuffles over to join the rest of the group.

Yasha is unable to react. She gapes as Beau sits next to Fjord as nothing happened.

What was that?

Was it Beau’s way to tell her Reani is in the past and she wants her now? Yasha doesn’t want to assume too much and think her foolish dreams are coming true, but what if they are? Is she even jealous of Reani to begin with? She still hasn’t figured that out, so she doesn’t even know if she needed reassurance from Beau. And if Beau does want her, in what way? Is she serious about it?

Questions are clashing inside her head and she can’t think straight. She puts her hands on her face and sighs.

This is probably the closest to flirting with her that Beau has been since she lost her voice. Somehow, she hadn’t noticed it had stopped in the first place. She was so focused on helping Beau recover from her trauma and learn how to live with her new condition that she hadn’t noticed their game of cat and mouse had stopped. But now that it’s back - apparently - she realizes she had missed it. Maybe Beau just needed time to adjust. Yasha can’t imagine how different it must be when you’re no longer able to speak.

She sighs again.

What now?

* * *

One morning, Beauregard wakes up earlier than usual. She realizes how early it is only when she gets to the tower’s clock and discovers it’s barely four in the morning in Uthodurn. She shrugs: she couldn’t sleep anyway.

She goes through her usual routine and works out without Fjord. At the end of her session, she realizes she had missed training alone. Not that she dislikes Fjord’s company, quite the opposite, but it’s nice to be by herself from time to time. Maybe she will make it a habit. She could ask him to give her a day every now and then where she is alone. She’s sure he wouldn’t complain, and if he really wants to work out every single day like she does, he can do it on his own every now and then.

Once she is showered, she goes to the kitchens. The fey cats greet her with judgy looks, just like they always do since she stepped on their tails and paws by accident. She ignores them and goes straight to one specific cat. She stops in front of a tiny colorful kitten and holds her hand out for her to smell it. The cat is wary at first, but once she recognizes Beauregard’s scent, she happily meows. The monk gently grabs her and holds her in her arms. The kitten starts purring as she scratches her behind the ears.

The kitten wasn’t there when they visited the tower for the first time, nor the few following times. She appeared shortly after Beauregard lost her speech. Apparently, no one noticed this new cat hanging around. No one except Beau. The way the kitten walked was strange and more often than not, she was stumbling or hitting obstacles on her way. One day, the monk had snuck up on her and the cat had had no reaction when she had silently waved her hand right in front of her nose. They quickly bonded after that and though Beauregard never said anything to Caleb, she made a mental note to buy him some good books next time she would go to a bookstore.

She puts the cat down, but as soon as her paws touch the ground, she meows loudly. Beauregard rolls her eyes. She grabs her again and puts her on the central island so that she is at her level. She almost tries to tell her to be careful not to fall from the counter. Old habits. She clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath. She wouldn’t have understood anyway, she’s a cat.

Frustrated, she starts going around to gather food and prepare breakfast for herself. The kitten starts licking her paw and grooming. Beau stops and looks at her. Maybe she should find her a name. No, this is ridiculous, she’s just a fey. Or is she? Maybe? Maybe not? But Caleb named Frumpkin. She thinks for a moment. Maybe later.

She goes back to preparing her meal and when she’s done, she sits at the counter. As soon as she hears the sound of the bar stool, the kitten jogs toward her. Beauregard pets her for a while and then puts her on her lap. The cat curls up and purrs, and she keeps petting her as she eats.

At this moment, Beauregard feels happy.

* * *

Yasha steps inside Reani’s house and closes the door behind her. It’s nighttime. The wind is blowing and the rain is pouring down outside. There is a roll of thunder in the distance and Yasha almost smiles.

One single candle is burning, but there is no one home. Reani left a few days ago and she won’t be returning for another week. While she was there, the Mighty Nein had been using her wardrobe as an anchor for the tower, inviting her over to stay with them, and when she left, she offered the keys to her place so that they could keep doing so.

Yasha shakes water off of her heavy cape and walks toward the piece of furniture, hoping she won’t leave a trail behind her. She opens the wardrobe and steps inside to instantly appear in the tower’s entrance hall. She stands there for a moment. She is in awe every time she comes in and sees the stained glasses representing the nine schools of magic. She could stare at them for hours. But she doesn’t stay long. There is another ornament she wants to see right now.

She goes to the center of the room, thinks ‘up’, and slowly levitates until she reaches the library floor. Once she is there, she commands the metal iris to close and it does so with a slight hissing, despite her terrible Zemnian accent. She takes a deep breath and stares at the colorful glass on top of the fireplace.

A fire is crackling and the wavering light reflects on the window and makes the colors shine. As she is contemplating it, she hears the thunder in the distance. She smiles. Apparently, the clock isn’t the only thing Caleb linked to their original plane, and he made sure that she could enjoy storms even when she is in this pocket dimension. But eventually, her smile drops as she stares at the patterns in front of her.

There is not a single day that passes by where she doesn’t miss Molly. Just like there is not a single day where she doesn’t miss Zuala. The thunder rumbles and she can almost hear her patron’s voice inside her head. She closes her eyes.

**_“Loss can instead teach what is important. It offers perspective. It offers focus. Might. The courage to protect what has not yet been lost. To be alone, to push others away, can prevent loss… But it also prevents growth. Strength. Purpose. How much, how many will you lose until you find your strength? Show me what is important. What is worth protecting.”_ **

She gets startled and immediately opens her eyes when something is suddenly dropped on her. She quickly realizes it’s a towel and struggles to get rid of it. Once she breaks free, she looks up, furious. She is certain she is going to see Veth laughing at her, but her expression softens when her eyes meet Beau’s. The monk is staring at her from the second floor of the library, with a big grin on her face. **You’re getting water all over the place.**

Yasha smiles. “Very observant, aren’t you?”

Beauregard immediately notices she doesn’t sign as she speaks. She is surprised, but she doesn’t comment.

Yasha uses the towel to brush her hair. When she is done, Beau has joined her down the stairs. “You waited for me just so that you could do that, didn’t you?”

The monk grins. **Maybe.**

There is a flash of light through the stained glass and all the colors are reflected on the walls. A few seconds later, they hear thunder. Beauregard looks at Yasha as she revels in the sound. **You missed it.**

“I did. It had been so long since the last storm we encountered.”

She suddenly seems bashful. Beauregard looks as she gets her left arm out of her long cape and stretches it toward her. Her eyes widen a bit and she freezes when she sees what she is holding.

“They grow only when it rains for many days in a row.”

Yasha is presenting her a bouquet of deep blue flowers. They are magnificent. Beauregard suddenly realizes why Yasha wasn’t signing. Her eyes repeatedly go from Yasha to the bouquet, but she doesn’t move.

“They’re for you.”

Beau stares at the bouquet, unable to do anything. She is internally yelling at herself. _Just take these damn flowers, for fuck’s sake! What are you waiting for?_ But she can’t move.

“I’m sorry.”

She looks at Yasha and she can see on her face how embarrassed she is. Embarrassed and heartbroken. 

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. This is stupid. I- I shouldn’t have. I-”

Before she can say anything else, Beau takes the flowers from her hands. It’s so sudden that it looks like she took them by force.

There is an awkward silence as the two women stare at each other.

Beau tries to hold the bouquet under her arm to free her two hands. **Sorry. I didn’t mean to be so brutal.**

Yasha remains silent, clearly confused and taken aback.

**I love them. Thank you.**

After a short hesitation, Beau awkwardly steps forward and wraps her free arm around Yasha's waist. The aasimar stiffens.

"Beau, I'm drenched."

The monk doesn't respond and she assumes it means she doesn't care. Yasha timorously takes her in her arms and pulls her closer. It’s a bit awkward, but it feels nice to hold her against her and soon, she relaxes and enjoys the moment.

They stand there until Yasha chuckles, "I knew you were shorter than me, but I hadn't realized how small you were before."

Beau leaves her embrace and stares at her in absolute shock, and it makes Yasha laugh. She knows Beau is not actually offended and she keeps laughing when the monk starts punching her shoulder repeatedly with one hand. She backs off until her knees hit a chair and she willingly falls down on it.

**Who's small now?**

Yasha playfully grins. She still has her hand on Beau's hip, reminiscent of their previous hug, and Beau doesn't seem to mind, so she keeps it there. They smile at each other and after a short moment, they turn at the stained glass in unison.

Yasha thinks about how affectionate Molly was with her and it makes her heart ache.

All of a sudden, as if she were able to read her mind, Beau leans down on her and kisses the top of her head with no warning. It's impulsive and unexpected, and Yasha is surprised, but she enjoys it and she gets closer, until her head is laying on Beau's side.

"I miss him so much." Her voice is just a whisper.

Beau gently runs her fingers through her wet hair. Water runs down her face and she is certain that it looks like she is crying right now. She is on the inside anyhow.

After a while, Beau lets go of her face and Yasha instantly misses her touch. The monk looks at the now soaked chair and smiles.

**Caleb is going to be so mad.**

"Probably. But it will be back to normal next time we come."

Beau nods. **You should get out of these clothes and shower before you catch a cold.**

"A shower would be nice."

Yasha stands up and is about to leave the library, but she stops when she sees Beau stays still. "You're not coming?"

**I'm going to read for a bit.**

Yasha nods. She shortly hesitates, but eventually she leans down and kisses Beau on the cheek. "Thanks for waiting for me. Don't stay up too late." and with that, she goes to the center of the room and levitates upward.

Beau brushes her cheek where Yasha just kissed her. She can feel her face turn red and she smiles like an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurray! The angels finally meet! And... it's about as awkward as one would expect. Also, the recovery and reconstruction of Beauregard Lionett has begun. Surely things can't get worse... or can they?


	3. See Her Out (That’s Just Life)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you see her out there/Climbing a wall/Trying to get away  
> Tell her she can't escape/Whole damn world is a cage  
> If you see her out there/Behind the wheel/Driving getaway  
> Oh god, I hope she escapes/Whole damn world is a cage  
> But that's just life/I lived it twice/I treat you right/The way you taught me  
> That's just life/I lived it twice/So I said goodnight/Don't say it softly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy... and here's where it DOES start to get worse. Gradually at first, but it's definitely going to ramp up.

_Beauregard watches as Fjord takes three magic blows right to the chest. He wavers for a moment and then falls down from the crow’s nest. Everything is happening in slow motion. His body hits the deck and he lays still, beaten and unconscious._

_She screams his name, but she is soundless. Her friends below deck don’t hear anything except the loud thud of his body crashing unto the boards. They don’t realize how dire the situation is and they don’t hurry up the stairs like they are supposed to. She watches the scene unfold, unable to speak, unable to scream, unable to call for help. When her friends finally come up, it’s too late._

**_Fjord is gone._ **

* * *

Beauregard wakes up in a jolt. She needs a few seconds to completely come back to reality and remember she is at the Vellum Steeple Archive. She fell asleep in the middle of her research. She blinks and sees Caleb is staring at her with concern on his face.

“Are you okay?”

She winces and grabs the front of her neck. Her throat hurts. This type of scenario has been happening for the past nights. Her nightmares are always different, but every time she wakes up, her throat hurts more. She knows she instinctively tries to scream and just tires her vocal chords, fighting against the curse preventing her from emitting any sound. She sighs.

“I think that’s enough research for today.”

**No! I was onto something.**

“This book won’t vanish. Besides, we have been here for weeks and we found nearly nothing. The archivists you commissioned in the other archives almost all hit a dead end. Maybe it’s time for a change of plan.”

Beauregard leans against the back of her chair and crosses her arms on her chest while staring at Caleb.

“Let’s have a drink. Maybe it will help us think clearly. As strange as it may sound.”

**Only if you pay.**

“Fair enough.”

This time, Beauregard grudgingly agrees. They close the books, bring them back to their respective shelves, clear the table of their notebooks and parchments, and a few minutes later they are heading out.

The two friends quickly find an inn where they can get a table apart from the rest of the patrons. As soon as they sit, Beauregard takes a long sip of ale and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Caleb drinks more reasonably.

“What would you say we contact Essek?”

**I don’t want to have anything to do with him.**

“I think he could be of great help. He was assisting Veth and I when we finally managed to figure out the spell to bring Veth back to her original form.”

**If you like him, just go visit him. But don’t bring him into my stuff.** Beau instantly gets frustrated. Had she been able to speak, her wording would have been much different, but she has to work with what bit of sign language she knows.

Caleb looks a bit flustered, but not that much. He is used to her fiery temper by now and he knows that her current situation does nothing to help that. She has been lashing out at people more than usual lately. Really, the only person who stays clear of it is Yasha. He wonders if this is because she knows how to work around the issue better than the rest of them, or if Beau is just more lenient with her.

He focuses back on their previous discussion. “Does that mean I can work with him on your problem as long as you don’t see him?*

**No. No Essek working on my problem.* She grits her teeth. She hates calling it a problem.

“This is ridiculous, Beauregard. Why would you refuse the help of a wizard as talented as him?”

**He sacrificed thousands of innocent people.**

Caleb remains silent. There is nothing to argue here.

**And you’re talented too. I know you will find something.**

“But how long will it take? Maybe I can find a spell, or create one, but are you willing to wait as long as Veth waited, with no guarantee of success? We’re talking about an enchantment that was crafted by some of the most powerful mages in the Empire.”

Beauregard looks away. Deep down, she knows it would be the most reasonable thing to do, but she can’t come to terms with asking Essek for help. Not after what they discovered.

Caleb leans forward. “Just think about it, okay?”

She nods, still not looking at him.

They don’t talk much besides that. They finish their ale and go to the forge to join their friends for their usual lesson with Deilin.

* * *

Jester is as furious as she is freaking out. “What’s wrong with you guys?” She places her hands on Beau’s ribcage and the monk clenches her jaw and holds her breath. The warm sensation of Jester’s magic radiates into her side and the pain from her broken ribs fades away.

Caduceus is healing Reani, whose arms are marked. He casts a few spells and her open wounds disappear, as well as the bruises on her skin.

When they realized their two friends were missing earlier that day, they went to the Vellum Steeple. The Scribewarden told them they had joined a wizard who was going to the capital city of the Empire through the teleportation circle. They immediately went after them, Jester sent Beau a message, and the monk told them Reani and she were leaving Trent Ikithon’s tower. They regrouped at the Rexxentrum Archive and went back to Uthodurn. As soon as they returned, they brought the two rogue adventurers to Reani’s place to gather somewhere safe in order to heal them and try to understand what had happened.

Fjord stands in front of them. “What were you thinking? I can understand why Beau would do that, reckless as she is. But you, Reani? I thought you were more thoughtful than that.”

Reani winces a bit as Caduceus is attending to her wounds. “Well, they cursed Beau, so obviously they’re bad guys. So helping Beau break the curse is good, right?”

Fjord sighs and briefly palms his face. “Of course it’s good, but I’m not sure _that_ was the best way to do it!”

Reani is confused, “What else were we supposed to do?”

“Anything except try to infiltrate the tower of one of the most powerful mages of the Assembly, who, side note, already hates us, is raving Caleb as his evil successor, and is probably responsible for Beau’s curse in the first place!”

Beauregard angrily gestures, **That’s precisely why we came to his tower.**

“Great idea. You didn’t think about asking our opinion about it before running head first into danger?”

**Your reaction tells me I was right when I thought you would disagree.**

“Of course we would!”

Reani interferes, “We didn’t make it in anyway. The grounds around the tower were full of traps and we didn’t have Veth with us.”

“I would have come with you if you had asked me, guys.”

Fjord scowls at her, “No, you would have stopped them, Veth.”

“Yeah, of course, that’s what I meant.”

Jester has just finished healing Beau. She looks at her with worry in her eyes and her voice is soft this time, “Beau, why did you do that?”

Beauregard hates when Jester does that. It’s way easier to be mad at someone who is yelling at her. How could she lash out at her when she shows real concern? **I need to break that enchantment.** There was a ‘fucking’ in here that she couldn’t express. Deilin refuses to teach her swear words despite her repeated demands.

“I know you do, and we all want to help you do that. But not at the price of your own life.”

Beau turns her head away. She doesn’t look at Jester when she answers, **I’m no good if I can’t speak.**

“Oh, Beau…”

**My job is to find hidden truths and expose them. How am I supposed to do that now? I’m useless.**

Caleb comes closer and Jester steps to the side. He crouches down in front of Beau as she is sitting. “Look at me, Beauregard.” She reluctantly does as told. “Listen to me very closely. You are _not_ useless. You can still be an Expositor, with or without your voice. The Cobalt Soul _needs_ you. But if you die, then yes, you will sure as hell no longer be of use.”

**I’d rather die than live the rest of my life like this.**

Caleb thinks for a moment. He is trying to find the right words to put some sense into her, but before he can speak, two heavy boots step next to him. He looks up and sees Yasha.

She hasn’t said a single word so far. Not when they came back from Rexxentrum with Beau and Reani, not when they questioned them to understand what they were doing in the capital, not when they were walking to Reani’s place, not when they got there. She has been completely and perfectly silent. Her face wears a sinister expression and she has her eyes on Beauregard. Caleb can tell she is infuriated.

“Are you done?”

“Yasha…”

The barbarian doesn’t even bother looking at Caleb. She is staring right at Beau.

“What the hell are you doing, Beau?”

Veth stands next to Caleb, “Yeah, what the hell?”

Beauregard didn’t react to Yasha’s question, but this time, she faces Veth. She looks her in the eye and just holds out her middle finger. Veth raises her eyebrows, not really affected nor surprised by this answer. Yasha, however, can’t stand by and do nothing.

She brusquely grasps her wrist and forces her to look at her. “You stop that right now.” She tightens her grip. “What’s your game? You’re acting like a jerk, this is not you.”

Beau tries and fails to pull her arm from her grasp. She scowls at her and at this very moment, Yasha realizes what she is doing.

For the very first time since Beau hasn’t been able to speak, she doesn’t let her express herself.

Horrified by what she just did, she instantly let go of Beau’s arm. The monk immediately recoils and massages her wrist while warily eyeing her. Yasha is in shock, but she barely gets time to process what just happened.

**How can you know it’s not who I am?**

“I- I know you, Beau. We all do.”

**Maybe you don’t. Maybe I’m not who I used to be.**

“What you did was stupid, and you’re _not_ stupid. Not only did you put yourself into danger, you also risked Reani’s life and now we are all at risk. They could come after us. The first warning wasn’t enough? You want more? You want to see how far they can go?”

Beau briskly stands up and steps forward. She is right in front of Yasha now. **Don’t worry, I won’t put any of you at risk anymore. From now on, I’ll work alone.**

“This is not what it’s about and you know that. We just don’t want you to risk your life again like you did today.”

**This is my life, I can do what I want.**

Yasha clenches her hands into fists, “Stop acting like that!”

**What will you do? I can’t speak already, what next will you take to make sure I don’t endanger my life?**

**“STOP!”**

Silence instantly falls around the room. They all look at Yasha, eyes wide-open, shocked. They have never heard her yell like she just did. This feral roar was terrifying.

Beauregard is motionless.

Yasha is trembling.

“I’m... I’m sorry.” She is panting. She sees fear in her friends’ eyes. She can’t believe she lost control so suddenly.

Fjord is still shaken up, but he is the first one to try to loosen the tension, “Maybe we should go back to the Vellum Steeple. You know, to make sure no one followed us here, and help them prepare in case the Assembly retaliates.”

Caleb looks at Beauregard and Yasha, then at Fjord. “Yeah. We should do that.”

Caduceus helps Reani up and one by one, they quietly leave. Jester hesitates for a brief moment, but Veth gently takes her hand. “They’re gonna be okay, Jessie.” She squeezes her hand and leads her outside.

Soon, the door is closed and Yasha and Beauregard are alone.

Silence remains. Neither of them speak for what is probably a minute. Eventually, Yasha clears her throat.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

Beau stares at her. She doesn’t move, she doesn’t sign, she doesn’t show any sort of emotion except for a certain distrust.

Yasha can barely speak. Her voice is just a shivering whisper now, “I’m sorry.”

**Why do you care so much about what could happen to me anyway?**

"Because I lo-”

She abruptly stops, but it’s too late. She saw the sudden change in Beau’s expression and she realizes that she knows what she was about to say. But still, she can’t find the courage to say it out loud.

"Because I lost too many people already. I... I can’t lose you too."

Beau swallows hard. She looks distraught.

"I know you've been hurt in the past and you're trying to deal with it, but you gotta stop thinking no one cares what happens to you. People care. _I_ care." Yasha takes a deep breath. “So please, I’m begging you, don’t do that ever again.”

Beauregard is slightly shaking. **No promise.**

Yasha’s mouth is already open to try to convince her, but she doesn’t need to say anything.

**But I’ll try.** There is a short pause. **For you.**

Beau doesn’t wait for Yasha's reaction. She walks past her and rushes out of the house. Yasha hears the door close, and she is alone.

She closes her eyes and her head bends down. She clenches her fists and doesn’t stop even when it starts hurting.

* * *

Later that night, Beauregard comes to Caleb as he is reading in the tower’s library. She doesn’t say much and just reluctantly accepts his suggestion to ask for Essek’s help.

**I just don’t want to see him, unless it’s an absolute necessity. So go to Rosohna, or have him meet you here somewhere, I don’t care. Just don’t bring him to me.**

Caleb agrees with a nod and they don’t talk about it anymore.

* * *

The next day, the tension is palpable within the party. They didn’t talk about what happened the day before. There is no need to discuss again the recklessness of Beauregard and Reani going rogue, or the confrontation that followed. Or maybe they should talk about it, but no one builds up the courage to do so.

Yasha notices several times that Beau’s signs are not as smooth as usual. Or rather, her right hand is not as swift. At first, she is intrigued by that change. But at some point in the afternoon, realization hits her: it's the hand she grabbed during their confrontation. She spends the rest of the day isolated from the group, both physically and emotionally.

When the night comes, she can’t sleep. Insomnia is her daily lot, but she can feel that this time, she won’t be able to get any sleep. She gets up and leaves her room to go wander in the tower.

Her mind drifts back to the confrontation. She remembers grasping Beau’s wrist. She can clearly see Beau’s hand motions after that.

_“What will you do? I can’t speak already, what next will you take to make sure I don’t endanger my life?”_

This was not what she was trying to do. She didn’t mean to silence her. But she did. She’s no better than the Cerberus Assembly which deprived her from her most precious asset, or her father who never heard or even listened to what she had to say. And then, as if it wasn’t enough, she yelled at her. She can never forgive herself for the way she behaved.

After an hour or so of intense thinking, she comes to the simple but terrifying conclusion that she must talk to Beauregard. She needs a few minutes to wrap her mind around that idea and find enough courage to do so.

When she is finally standing in front of Beau’s room, she needs a moment to compose herself. She takes a deep breath. She is about to knock, but her hand stops midway. What if Beau is sleeping? No, she is just making excuses. She must talk to her.

She leans down and puts her ear against the door to try and hear if there is any movement inside. She can’t perceive anything. She slowly raises her hand again and knocks.

She hears sudden movement inside. There is a creak and she figures Beau was on her bed. A moment passes, where she hears footsteps going back and forth, until they get closer. The door opens and Beau stands in front of her. There are no tears on her face, but her eyes are red and a bit swollen. Yasha freezes. Her heart sinks into her chest at the mere idea of Beau crying.

She awkwardly clears her throat, “Maybe the moment is not right. Can I- Can I talk to you?”

Beau doesn’t move or say anything.

“I- I want to apologize. For yesterday. For my behavior and… everything else.”

A few seconds pass by and Beau finally steps to the side and gestures for her to come in.

“Thank you.”

She steps inside the room. Beau closes the door and goes to her bed. She sits down and looks at Yasha expectantly. The barbarian opens her mouth as she thinks she wants her to start talking, but then Beau taps the spot next to her for her to join. She does so hesitantly.

She’s sweating and she’s so stressed that she’s sure she is about to faint.

“I- I noticed today you couldn’t sign as well as usual. Is your wrist okay?”

Beau nods in place of a ‘yes’.

“Can I see it?”

She doesn’t refuse right away, but she seems reluctant. Yasha can't help but notice she brought her arm closer to her chest.

“I don’t want to force you. I just want to check and make sure you’re okay, but you don’t have to show me if you don’t want to. Your call.”

Beau slightly relaxes and her shoulders loosen up a bit. She thinks for a moment and then nods. Yasha reaches out but doesn’t take her arm.

“May I?”

She waits until Beau willingly offers her wrist. She is not wearing her gloves, but her hands and wrists are still covered by her wraps.

“Do you want to take them off yourself, or can I do it?”

Beau points at Yasha with her free hand.

“Okay.”

With very gentle gestures, Yasha starts unwrapping her wrist. She doesn’t want to hurt her, but she also doesn’t want to scare her with sudden moves. She briefly looks at her face and even if she doesn’t seem as comfortable as usual, she is relaxed. Their eyes meet for a moment and Yasha goes back to her task. Once she is done, she puts down the wraps on the bed.

“I-”

She can’t go past that single word. She is in shock. She knew she had hurt Beau, but she didn’t know how bad it was. Even with her dark complexion, she can clearly see bruises on her skin. Beau must notice the impact the sight has on her, because she pulls her arm back.

Yasha can barely speak. “I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Words escape her and her eyes can’t leave the bruises. She needs a minute to compose herself.

She looks up. “I couldn’t think clearly through my worry and anger and I- I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t realize I was...” Her voice cracks and she can’t go any further. She turns her head to the side, unable to look Beau in the eye.

Beau doesn’t do anything to comfort her, but she doesn’t expect her to. She is the one to blame. “I’m so sorry, Beau. For everything. I don’t have any excuse.”

Beau reaches out and lays a hand on Yasha’s leg. The aasimar looks up. Beau knows Yasha is not trying to get her pity, but she is struck by the amount of sadness and pain she can see on her face.

“I never wanted to silence you, but I did, and I have no excuse for that.”

Beau is still not saying anything. Yasha knows she has to do the talking. She looks at Beau’s hand resting on her leg.

“Is it okay if I take a look at it?”

Beau gives her permission with a nod. Yasha gently takes her wrist in her two hands. She closes her eyes and inhales as she casts Healing Hands. Beau gasps at the warm sensation.

When she is done, Yasha opens her eyes. She examines her wrist. The bruises are gone, but there are many scars left on her skin. Some from the time she grabbed Nott out of the lava and saved her life, others from their fight against Vokodo, and so many more. She went through it all and much more, never complaining once. She is so brave. So much more than she will ever be. Yasha is the one who ran away and abandoned her own wife to her death and yet, Beau called her a survivor. No. The only word that suits her is "coward".

She looks up from Beau’s wrist and stares at her. “I’m so sorry, Beau. I didn’t realize what being silent implied for you, of all people. Of course, there are other ways to communicate, but your voice is such a big part of who you are as a person. You need it for so many things, not only as an Expositor. I can’t count the times you got us out of trouble, or helped the group solve a problem, or saved us, and you couldn’t have if you had been silent. Hell, I don’t even know if we would have survived Darktow if it wasn’t for you. Whatever you said to the Plank King to convince him to listen, you probably saved our lives.”

Beau shyly smiles and Yasha’s heart races as she signs for the first time. **I told him Avantika was trying to summon Uk'otoa on the deck of her ship.**

“You…” Yasha laughs nervously, “You are unbelievable.”

Beau looks flattered.

Yasha’s face goes back to a saddened expression. “I’m sorry we didn’t realize it sooner. I hope we can make it up to you, but I know there’s probably nothing we can do. And I’m-” she looks down to hide her shame, “I’m sorry I didn’t speak up that day when Fjord suggested shackling Caleb and you.”

**It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t take part in it, unlike Jester and Veth.**

“I didn’t take part, but I didn’t say anything either. I should have. I don’t understand why they thought it was a good idea. We’ve been through this when Lorenzo abducted us. They know how degrading it feels, I... I don’t understand.” She sighs. “I didn’t really feel like part of the group at that time, I didn’t know if I should interfere, but this is no excuse. I know how upsetting it was for you. I’m sorry.”

Beau looks moved by her honesty. **Thank you.**

“Anyway. About yesterday… Now I see why you were desperate enough to think you might as well take your chances. But… We were all worried sick. _I_ was worried sick. So please, don’t do that again. Never.”

Beau nods and Yasha can see a hint of guilt on her face.

She looks down and frowns. Her hands are fidgeting. She has been sincere so far, but she doesn’t know how much more she should tell Beau. She might as well tell her everything. Like, everything.

“I wasn’t completely honest with you yesterday, but I think you already know that. I-” She wants to look at Beau, but she can’t. “If you want to know why I care so much about what could happen to you, then, for once, I won’t be a coward and I’ll say it.”

She exhales. This is even harder than she thought it would be. “I-” She realizes she can’t say it out loud. This is too scary for her and her voice won’t come out. She just can’t. She takes a deep breath and tries to strengthen her trembling hands as best as she can to be able to sign properly.

She points at herself, crosses her arms on her chest, and gestures toward Beau with her two hands.

**I love you.**

Beau stares at her, mouth half-open, completely still and taken aback.

Yasha keeps signing as she stutters a few words, “C- Can I kiss you?”

Beau can’t believe what is happening. Even when she nods and Yasha leans forward to reach her lips, she can’t process it. She is so shocked that she barely responds. Yasha pulls back and she doesn’t know if she is dreaming or if she actually just kissed her.

The aasimar probably notices how flustered she is, and concern appears on her face. “Are you okay? Did I misunderstand? I’m sorry, I- I thought you- I didn’t mean to-” Before she can finish, Beau grabs the back of her neck with both hands and pulls her closer to kiss her back.

* * *

The next morning, Jester gets worried when she walks into the dining room and Fjord tells her Beau wasn’t there for their usual workout. But then, he tells her he didn’t see Yasha either, and a big smile immediately appears on her face. She runs straight to Yasha’s room and finds it empty. She levitates to the upper floor and goes to Beau’s room. After a subtle knock, she sneakily opens the door and peeks inside.

Beau and Yasha are laying onto the bed, both sleeping. Jester doesn’t even need to go further in to check what she wants to know. Yasha has her head on Beau’s chest and Beau’s arm is wrapped around her shoulders. They are both fully dressed. Jester is a bit disappointed, but she smiles. Someone shoves her leg and she sees Veth when she looks down. The halfling is about to speak, but she puts a finger on her mouth to keep her silent.

They leave the room and softly close the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only going to get worse before it gets better... but hey! They finally kissed!


	4. Fire Under Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I remember how I met you/The serendipities and details  
> It’s these kinds of moments that/Give me a reason to believe  
> Every ship that I had captained/Had been lost to stormy weather  
> Until you came along and/I thought we just might get home together  
> But now I’m swimming in nothing/Only blues are on my side  
> I got nothing to hope for, honey/I got nothing to hide  
> Now I’m swimming in nothing/Only blues are on my mind  
> And that ocean’s endless deep/And that ocean’s endless wide, but  
> Every time you look in my eyes/It’s like fire under water, fire under water  
> I go down, down, down, down, down/But I come up burning every time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beau and Yasha take their time exploring this new dynamic in their relationship, even if it's awkward when one of them can't speak, and Beau realizes just how much **better** she looks to others when she doesn't have her usual armor up, when she's told she's actually... "beautiful".
> 
> Also, upping the rating to Mature going forward.

Things don't change that much after Yasha’s confession, at least not at group level. Jester questions Beau in her very own unsubtle way to know what happened. Beau excitedly explains the whole thing and Jester is delighted. She has thought for a long time that Beau and Yasha were perfect for each other and it’s been a long time since she saw Beau so happy. She’s been through a lot lately and she needs support in every possible way. Although Beau doesn’t talk about it with anyone else from the party, she knows very well that Jester probably tells all their friends. When she speaks about it with Yasha, the aasimar doesn’t seem to mind.

Their behavior around the Mighty Nein is not very different than it was before. There are discreet affectionate gestures here and there that didn’t exist before, but that’s about it. They are not big on public display of affection. When they are alone, however…

Their bond was already undeniable before, but it strengthens once Yasha has confessed her feelings. There is much more physical contact now. Sexual, but not only. They just like to be able to feel each other's presence. Things as simple as intertwined fingers when they are both reading is enough for them. Often, Beau will crawl between Yasha’s legs when she is laying on her bed and nestle there, leaning against her chest. Yasha quickly realizes how touch-deprived Beau is. She is too if she is honest, but contrary to her, Beau doesn't seem afraid to make her need known. Which doesn't mean she doesn't give back the affection. It makes Yasha happy to see that Beau is comfortable enough to actively ask for attention, whether it is through signs or other types of body language.

Body language actually plays a big part in their relationship. This is something they extensively develop and learn to read. They never talk about it, but Yasha is pretty sure that even if Beau was able to speak, they would have developed non-verbal means of communication. More often than not, words escape both of them. Expressing their feelings is hard for them, it’s always been. Communication through body language is easier, more natural, less awkward.

Yasha had already picked up on some of Beau's behaviors long ago. She knows very well that as soon as she starts compulsively scratching, specifically her neck, it means she is nervous and distressed. While before it was hard for her to help her in these moments, she slowly finds ways to do so. As soon as she sees Beau scratching, she will try to pull her out of the situation that is causing stress or take her thoughts off of the thing bothering her. If she can't, she will just reach out and wait. If Beau willingly gives her her hand, she will rhythmically brush it to try and anchor her. If she doesn't, it means this is really bad and Beau is no longer picking on external cues. In that case, Yasha will verbally signal her that she is hurting herself and try to talk her out of her distress.

As for Beau, she is quick to understand that the less Yasha reacts to her surroundings, the more she is spiraling on her own emotions and thoughts. While some people are hyper-vigilant when they are anxious, Yasha is hyper-fixating. Sometimes, Beau witnesses her go through her book, slightly shift every single dried flower, and then go back to the beginning and start again. She doesn't want to know how long it would last if she didn't stop her. Most of the time, showing a sentence or a paragraph in another book and pretending she wants to share it with her will break the cycle. If this is not enough and Yasha circles back to her pattern, Beau finds out that movement is good to stop her tribulations. She will find any task and ask Yasha to help her with it: cooking, going to the library to do some research, cleaning the kitchens or the common room of the tower even if this is useless, or even just sparring. When they are with their friends, Yasha's patterns are subtler, so it is more challenging and it takes more time for Beau to figure it out. Eventually, she discovers that dragging her into the conversation works well. The fact that it forces her to focus on sign language also helps.

But there are also things that are just cute and endearing.

Yasha notices that when Beau is deeply focused on her reading, she pinches her lips and crosses her hands on the back of her head. When she smiles, her cheekbones form tiny dimples. When she is amused but not taking part into what is going on, she puts her thumb on her chin and bites her lower lip.

Beau notices that when Yasha is going through her book without hyper-fixating, she will smile ever so slightly from time to time. When she is flustered, she continuously runs her hand through her hair. When she thinks no one is watching, she makes faces at Luc.

With each passing day, they both discover more about the other and their bond strengthens.

* * *

One night, Beauregard can’t sleep and goes to the kitchens. As soon as she enters, she spots the kitten. She snaps her fingers to make her presence known and the cat immediately walks toward her. Beau meets her halfway and gives her her hand to smell like she always does. When the cat identifies her and meows, she takes her in her arms and starts petting her. She has gotten bigger, but Beauregard hasn’t found a name yet. She is still thinking about it.

She revels in her purrs and spends a long moment petting her, until she hears noise coming from outside the kitchens. She instantly freezes and listens. She notices the cat is more alert too. There is more noise and then she hears a muffled voice mumbling inarticulate words.

Suddenly, she thinks about what Caleb said. It would be hard for anyone to stumble upon the tower’s doorway by accident, but not impossible.

She gently puts the cat down and walks to the door without a sound. She listens very closely and hears muffled noises again. What if someone found the tower? What if the Cerberus Assembly found the tower?

She doesn’t have her gloves on or even her staff. All her gear is in her room. She felt safe in the tower so far, she didn’t think she would ever need to be prepared for an attack. She was foolish. However, she doesn’t stop to think about what she should do. She is in the kitchens, her friends are all in their rooms, she can’t contact them. She has no choice. She is ready to fight whatever intruder made their way into their safe place and kick them out.

She soundlessly opens the door, but as soon as she leaves the kitchen, she hears a loud curse.

“ _Scheisse!_ ”

She immediately relaxes and her clenched fists loosen up. She rushes to the center of the floor and looks down. Caleb is on the lower floor, in the salon. It seems that he just stumbled on a pile of books that Beau left there earlier. She claps her hands and he looks up.

“Beauregard!”

He looks ecstatic. He goes to the center of the room, or rather jogs, and levitates up. As soon as his feet touch the floor, he commands “ _Zu_ ”, the iris closes, and he turns to Beau. He is about to speak, but she is faster.

**You idiot! You scared me!**

“Wha- What do you mean?”

**I thought we were attacked!**

“No. I left earlier tonight, I couldn’t sleep. You didn’t hear me leave?”

**No, otherwise I wouldn’t have freaked out!**

“I’m sorry.”

**It’s okay, just don’t do it again. Tell us if you go somewhere.**

Caleb nods.

**I heard you speaking. Were you talking to yourself?**

“Maybe. I don’t know. I might have been thinking aloud. I’m just so thrilled.” He does look thrilled.

**What’s going on? Why are you so excited all of a sudden?**

“I was with Essek.”

Beauregard raises her eyebrows. **In the middle of the night?** She starts fearing Caleb is about to tell her he slept with Essek. She is not sure how she would react to that.

“It’s daytime over there. Besides, Essek is often up at night.”

She motions one hand with exasperation to signify she doesn’t care what Essek does at night.

“But it’s a good thing you’re here.”

She eyes him suspiciously.

“We were working on your thing. I hope I'm not jinxing it by saying this, but I think we're on the verge of a breakthrough."

Beauregard is taken aback. It takes her a moment to answer. **Really?**

“ _Ja!_ ” Caleb is over the moon. “We might be able to break that curse very soon.”

**Are you sure?**

“I do think we’re close, and Essek is confident too. This is exciting, isn’t it?”

**Yeah.**

“You don’t seem happy.”

**I just…** She tries to wrap her mind around this information. **After so many weeks, it’s hard to believe everything might go back to normal soon.**

“I know, but trust me. Essek is brilliant. Him and I, there’s nothing we can’t do together.”

Beau doesn’t respond. She is glad to see Caleb so happy, but she is conflicted. She doesn’t like the way he speaks about Essek sometimes, almost idolizing him as if he weren’t a mass murderer.

“We’re gonna break that enchantment Beauregard, trust me.” And with that, Caleb slowly levitates.

He’s almost reached the next floor when he looks back at Beauregard and speaks with the same over-enthusiastic tone that before. “It’s nice, by the way. You should have it down more often. If you like it, I mean.”

She is about to ask what he is talking about, but he is gone. After a brief moment, she understands.

She didn’t tie her hair when she left her room to go to the kitchens and this is the first time ever Caleb has seen her with her hair down. She runs her hand through her dark locks and smiles to herself.

* * *

For Beau, the lazy mornings in bed with Yasha are one of the best things in their relationship. Laying down, kissing, cuddling, having sex. At first though, sex isn’t as good as she thought it would be.

Of course, Yasha would be serious about consent. After what she endured when she was under the influence of Obann, and more recently after losing her temper and hurting Beau, she is very serious about it. So obviously, having sex when one of the partners can’t express their consent verbally is a bit different. Not that Beau can’t communicate through other means, but the pace is not the same, and it takes time for both of them to adjust. However, after a while, when things fall into place, they realize it makes their couple stronger and they develop a whole new level of intimacy.

That morning, Beau is horny. Like, _really_ horny. And it’s incredibly frustrating not to be able to fully speak her mind and use the words she actually wants to use, but don’t know how to sign: she wants Yasha to fuck her brains out. Luckily, Yasha doesn’t need words or signs to understand. It’s pretty obvious that when after the third round, Beau is still nipping at her neck and jawline, it means she wants more.

Yasha raises herself on her elbows. “You are insatiable.”

A coy smile appears on Beau’s face. **But you like it.**

“I do.”

Yasha comes for a kiss, and while Beau responds, she’s quick to break it. Yasha looks at her, slightly confused.

**Do you want to try something new?**

“Depends on what ‘something new’ means.”

Beau wriggles to reach her night table without leaving the bed. She crawls back next to Yasha with her blue sash. **Will you tie my hands?**

“No.”

Beau is taken aback by the suddenness of Yasha’s answer. She frowns and doesn’t sign, only forming a silent word on her lips, 'Why?'

“You use your hands to stop me when needed.”

**I would still have other limbs.** and she wiggles her legs like an idiot.

Yasha keeps a stern face and Beau realizes she is very serious. She stops clowning and gets more serious too.

**We found our pace now, I haven’t stopped you in a while. I don’t need to, you’re very good at what you do.**

“This is not about being good or not, Beau.”

**Are you upset that I asked?**

“No, of course not. I just don’t like that idea. I think it’s too soon.”

**We’ve already played in that field. You often ask me not to touch you.**

“But this is different. When I ask you to keep your hands to yourself, you do so willingly, but they’re still free and you could use them if you needed to.”

She can see Beau is confused and probably a bit hurt. Surely, she thinks there is something wrong with her. She scoots closer to her and gently cups her face with one hand.

“I would very much like to experience that with you, but I think it’s too much at a time. If you were able to speak and you asked me right now to tie your hands _and_ gag you, I’d say no. It takes things on a whole other level, and I’m not sure we’re ready for that.”

Beau seems relieved by the clarification. But frustration quickly replaces insecurity.

**But I wanna try it so bad!**

“I know, Beau, and I want to try it too. Someday we’ll do it, if you still want to, but not now. It’s too soon.”

Beau sighs but doesn’t argue. Yasha is afraid she might be mad at her, but when she brushes her cheek with her thumb to relieve the slight tension and kisses her, and Beau instantly melts into her touch, she knows everything is fine. She breaks the kiss, but Beau immediately comes chasing after her and locks their lips together. She puts her two hands on her face and gently strokes her chin tattoo, tracing her lower lip and then her jawline.

They kiss and cuddle for some time, until Beau pulls away. **I think I won’t need to workout today.**

Yasha coyly smiles.

**I’m gonna take a shower. Join me?**

“I’d like to read a bit. This book Fjord gave me is really good.”

**Is this porn again?**

Yasha chuckles “No, Jester didn’t get her hands on it this time.”

**Only a matter of time.**

“Probably.”

Beau pecks her on the lips and gets up. Yasha takes a nice look at her butt when she walks to the bathroom and then falls back onto the bed when she disappears from her view. She takes a deep breath and can’t help the grin creeping onto her face.

A few minutes later, Beau gets out of the bathroom and stands in the doorway. Yasha is sitting on the bed, reading her book. She is so focused that she doesn’t notice Beau is looking at her.

After a moment, the monk claps her hands. They agreed early on that she wouldn’t snap her fingers when she needs to get people’s attention. It seems quite disrespectful, if not disdainful. As for Yasha, since that was how Obann addressed her most times, it was obvious she wouldn’t do that with her.

Yasha looks up from her book and Beau starts signing, **I thought I would ask Caleb if he could take me to Zadash before going to Rosohna. Wanna come?**

While she is waiting for an answer, she finishes brushing her dripping hair with a towel. Her face is clean, no stain of khôl. She has changed a lot since Yasha met her for the very first time, both emotionally and physically, but one thing that has remained constant is the khôl she always wears and which is more often than not smudged. As Beau says herself, she puts on makeup and if it’s still holding up two days later, it’s fine.

Yasha saw her completely naked just minutes ago and was flustered by how hot she was, just like pretty much every time she sees her, whether Beau is wearing clothes or not. But somehow, in that very moment, she is blown away by her beauty. Her face and stance are relaxed. Fresh from the shower and with her hair down, she looks like a blank version of herself, one that wouldn’t have been forced into something she is not. Yasha is mesmerized by how carefree she looks.

Beau waves her hand to bring her back to reality. **Is everything okay?**

Yasha shakes her head. “Yeah, I... Sorry. You’re just so beautiful.”

Beau freezes. She wouldn’t admit it, but she is unsettled by Yasha’s sincerity. And then it hits her: this is the first time someone has ever called her beautiful _and meant it_. She’s been called a lot of things. Hot, sexy, pretty, good-looking, even handsome. But never beautiful. And not from someone who truly loves her like Yasha does. It’s now her turn to be blown away and baffled.

“Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?”

Beau shakes herself back to reality. She walks straight to the bed and sits down next to Yasha. The aasimar gladly responds when she kisses her. When Beau backs off, she strokes her chin tattoo again.

**You did nothing wrong. Thank you.**

Yasha is a bit surprised, but she doesn’t question Beau.

**Will you come with me today?**

“Of course.”

Later that day, while they are researching at the Archive of Zadash, Beau suddenly slides her notebook over the table to Yasha. The barbarian raises her eyebrows and just reads what she wrote down: “Sorry for acting weird earlier. It's been a while anyone ever called me beautiful and was sincere about it. It means a lot.” She looks up from the notebook and offers Beau a warm smile. Gently taking her hand, she brings it to her lips and kisses it. She goes back to the book she was reading, but she doesn’t let go of Beau’s hand and Beau intertwines their fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice little break in the tension... but... it's only a matter of time before all the walls come crashing down.


	5. Undo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, come on, make this easy/Oh, come on, just say something  
> No, go ahead, tell me, what do I need?/I'm not the kind of girl you undo  
> Oh, come on, oh, come on/I've been undone long before you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tension ramps up, with Beau needing to make a momentous decision, but before she can go forward with it... perhaps it's time to wreck those fucking walls once and for all.
> 
> Or, in the immortal words of Taliesin Jaffe... "THERAPY!"
> 
> TW: Mentions of child abuse and other PTSD moments.

Jester is drawing in her art studio when she hears a knock on her door. “Who’s theeere?” Even when she could just invite people in, she likes to mess with them. She hears another knock. “Oh! Come in, Beau!” as she runs into her room.

The door opens and Beau slips in. **Are you busy?**

“No, I was just sketching. Come, come, come!”

Beau closes the door and sits with Jester on her canopy bed. It’s filled with pillows and Jester immediately grabs one of them and holds it on her lap. She signs without speaking, a simple gesture with her two middle fingers bent toward her chest and her two hands going up and outward, **What’s up?**

Sprinkle is curled up between pillows, sleeping. Jester grabs him and starts petting him. He is startled and looks as skittish as always. Beau eyes him and tries not to laugh. **I have a favor to ask.**

Jester lets go of Sprinkle to use sign language as well as words, and the red weasel seems relieved. He immediately goes back into the pillows and hides. “Tell me.”

**I’d like to see my brother.**

“Beau, that’s a great idea! Your family will be so happy to see you!”

Beau corrects her, **I don’t want to go for my parents, just for my brother.**

“Yes, but you’ll probably see them too.”

**I guess. But I don’t want to just show up like we did last time, it was super awkward. Could you send a message, please?**

“Of course! Who should I send it to?”

**To my father, since he seems to be the authority in the house.** Beau doesn’t hide how annoyed she is.

“I could send it to your brother!”

**He can barely speak.**

“But if he is the one asking to see you, this might make things different, you know.”

Beau thinks for a moment. **Maybe you’re right. My father might freak out though. I told you how superstitious he is, he might think TJ sees ghosts or something.**

“Yeah, but, I mean… wouldn’t it be fun?”

Beau hides a smile. **It would.**

“And then we can send a message later to one of your parents to say we’re going to come visit.”

**Sounds good.**

“So, should I send a message to your brother?”

**Are you sure you want to risk wasting a spell if he doesn’t answer?** Beau suddenly stops. **Wait, what time is it in Kamordah?**

“Oh, you’re right!” Jester jumps from the bed and runs to the door. She opens it and gets her head out to shout, “Caleb, what time is it in Kamordah?”

There is a short silence, and then she hears a voice inside of her head: “I’m in the library, I can’t hear you. What did you say? You can reply to this message.”

“What time is it in Kamordah?”

Beau eyes Jester and quickly understands Caleb must have sent her a message.

The tiefling hears Caleb’s voice again: “I have no idea, the clock only tells me what time it is in Uthodurn.”

“But usually you can tell us exactly what time it is wherever we are!”

“Hold on a moment.”

Jester turns to Beau. “I think he might be estimating based on Uthodurn’s time.”

Beau smiles, utterly amused and pleased by how ridiculous the whole thing is.

A moment passes and Jester shouts loudly again. “Thanks Caleb!”

A distant voice answers, “ _Bitte!_ ”

Jester closes the door and comes back to sit on the bed. “He said it’s around midday. Should I send a message now or wait? Maybe he’s sleeping.”

**I don’t think it’s naptime yet, we can try. Do you think you can say exactly what I write?**

Jester looks offended. “Of course. When did I ever mess up a message?”

Beau shakes her head and smiles. Jester gives her one of her sketchbooks and a pen.

A few seconds later, Jester reads. “Okay, let’s do this.” She concentrates and casts the spell, “Hey, TJ! It’s Jester, the blue tiefling you met a while ago!”

Beau palms her face: she is already going off-script. But still, she can’t help smiling and giggling.

Jester doesn’t notice and keeps going, “I’m a friend of your sister Beau.”

Beau gestures to her to show that she has only six words left.

“Wouuuld... you like to see her?”

Nailed it! Beau puts her two thumbs up with a wide smile. Jester smiles back. “I think it went pretty well, right? Oh, oh, oh! He’s answering!”

**What did he say?**

“Just ‘sistah’. At least he knows who I’m talking about.”

**Or he just repeated what you said. I don’t think he’s able to say more anyway.**

“But maybe he was with your mother or your father and they heard him.”

**Maybe. I’ll come back later for the message to my parents.** Beau is about to get up, but she can see Jester is keeping something to herself. **What’s wrong?**

“Are you sure you want to wait?”

**My brother won’t instantly ask to see me. If he does ask. We need to wait.**

“But I want to know what your parents will say!”

**What the hell, Jester?**

“I know it’d make you so happy to see your brother!”

**Then why did you suggest sending him a message instead of contacting my parents directly?**

“I kinda wanted to know if he would be able to reply to a message.”

Beau can’t choose between being pissed and laughing, but Jester is her best friend and she is really cute, so she ends up slowly shaking her head and grinning. **Okay, let’s do it then.**

“Are you sure you want me to send a message to your father? Not your mother?”

Beau freezes. She is no longer laughing. She starts scratching her neck. Yasha is not here to stop her, but Jester stares at her with worry in her eyes and she eventually stops. Her hands are slightly shaking when she signs, **My mother. Please.**

Jester can almost hear Beau’s voice in her head, that small and vulnerable whisper she was barely able to form when she was facing her father and asked her friends to stay by her side. She grabs her hands and squeezes them to try and steady her. “Do you want to write something?”

Beau swallows. **No. Ask her when we can come, that’s all.**

Jester nods. She lets go of Beau’s hands to be able to cast and this time, she takes a moment to really focus on the task. This is important to Beau, she can’t mess it up. She takes a deep breath and casts her spell, “Hello, Clara, it’s Jester. We’d like to visit you if it’s okay. When can we come?” She hesitates and eventually adds, “Beau would love to see TJ, she misses him.” She looks at Beau to get her reaction and sees a sad smile on her face. She realizes the accent she just used to disguise her voice is probably the reason for her apparent amusement. At least, she doesn’t seem upset.

A moment passes and she hears Clara’s voice answer, “Oh, Jester! I remember you. TJ just talked about Beauregard. This is so crazy! We would love to have all of you. You can come-” The message stops.

“Oh, man! Her reply was too long! Why can’t people send shorter answers?”

Beau can’t help smiling. She loves Jester so much.

The tiefling concentrates and casts again, “I didn’t get your full answer. When can we come?”

A moment, and then “Come whenever you want, just let us know when you will arrive so that we can prepare rooms.”

“She says we can come any day we’d like, we just need to tell them when we’ll be there, so that they can prepare rooms.”

**Tell her we’ll find an inn.**

Jester winces in embarrassment. “I don’t have a lot of spells left. But if you really need to, I can-”

**It’s okay. We’ll tell them when we pick a day. We have to talk about it with the others anyway.**

“Are you sure?”

**Yeah, it doesn’t matter. Thanks for sending these messages.**

“Of course!”

Beau is suddenly very quiet and Jester can tell she is processing what just happened and probably preparing herself for what is to come.

“Hey, you’re gonna see your brother. That’s great, right?”

**Yes.**

Jester tilts her head to the side. “Do you need a hug?”

Beau seems hesitant, but she nods. Jester immediately crawls closer to her friend and wraps her arms around her neck. “It’s gonna be great, you’ll see. And we’ll all be here with you, by your side. It’s gonna be okay.”

Beau nods and taps Jester twice on the shoulder, like she does when she wants to thank her or show her appreciation in these situations. Jester responds by hugging her more tightly.

* * *

The next morning, Beauregard shuffles in the dinner room as her friends are having breakfast. She woke up unusually early. She is nervous, even if she wouldn’t admit it, and she didn’t sleep well. Working out on her own and spending some time with the kitten - she named her Henriette, because why the fuck not - helped a bit, but now that she has to speak to the Nein, she can feel the distress come creeping back up again.

Everyone is already sitting. She takes the last free chair next to Yasha. Her girlfriend leans down to kiss her on the temple, “Hey, you.”

Beau happily accepts the kiss but doesn’t react much. The others don’t pay attention and start eating. Yasha warily eyes her, “You were up early this morning. Everything’s okay?”

Most times, Beau loves how insightful and considerate Yasha is when it comes to her. But sometimes, when she is trying so hard to hide her emotions, she hates it. She is about to tell her she is fine, but she stops herself. Old habits. Things are different now. She doesn’t have to hide anymore. She is allowed to feel low and, most importantly, to share it and ask for support. Years of suppressing her feelings and emotions won’t disappear overnight, but she wants to try and work on it.

**I need to talk to you about something. All of you.**

She turns to the rest of the group and claps her hands. They all raise their head and look at her. Jester is chewing a donut and she has sugar on her chin. Fjord notices and gestures for her to wipe it, which she does before focusing on Beauregard.

**Jester sent a message to my mother yesterday, asking if we could come visit.**

There is a brief silence. They exchange looks, visibly surprised by the news.

**I want to see my brother, but I’m not sure I’m ready to face my father alone. Not yet.**

She wants to scratch so bad right now. But for the first time, she is aware of it and fights it. However, she sees Yasha peek under the table. That is when she realizes her legs are frantically bouncing. She clenches her jaw, frustrated that she only moved from one nervous tic to another.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a short moment to try and compose herself. She fumbles under the table, hoping no one sees this, until she finds Yasha’s hand. As soon as she touches it, she feels her girlfriend’s callous fingers intertwine with her own. She shares a quick look with Yasha and then focuses back on her other friends.

She can’t sign, but she is pretty sure they will be able to read her lips, **Will you come with me?**

Fjord leans forward and meticulously signs, “Of course, we will. You don’t need to ask.”

They all nod in agreement. They smile when they see how moved Beau seems to be by their sheer devotion.

She lets go of Yasha’s hand, **Thank you, guys.**

Veth, who is facing Yasha, has a mischievous expression on her face. “Maybe I shouldn’t come. You can tell him that after turning into a goblin, I died prematurely.”

Beau can’t help but grin. Her father’s reaction when Veth pretended she had been turned into a goblin after the hag granted her a favor was amazing, his face would probably be priceless if they pushed the lie further.

Fjord smiles and shakes his head, before looking seriously at Beau. “When do you want to go?”

**My mother said we could come whenever we want to. I’d like to have my voice back first.**

Fjord nods in understanding, but Yasha seems surprised. “Are you sure?”

**TJ doesn’t know sign language.**

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need to be able to actually speak with you through signs or even words to be happy to see you. Neither do you.”

**Maybe. But I don’t know if I would be comfortable.**

Caduceus casually slips into the conversation like he always does. “Would you be uncomfortable in front of your brother, or in front of your parents?”

Beau grits her teeth. She hates how perceptive he is. **If you’re asking the question, you probably know the answer.**

“Do you?”

 _Damn it, Caduceus!_ Always asking the right questions.

“Stop it, Caduceus.”

Caduceus in an unusual manner tilts his head, in Caleb’s direction. “Perhaps instead of asking her, figure it out yourself.” He then looks at Beau. “Isn’t it more important to, you know, deal with what we can handle first, before thinking about afterward?”

Beau nods, visibly thankful to Caleb for the assist. Caduceus is insufferably perceptive, sometimes at the worst times. **I want my voice back first and foremost. Because there are other things I wish to say. To… the old man, if it came to that. But if I went there as is… it’d be no different from my childhood, to be totally honest.**

Yasha nods, “Silenced.” And upon everyone’s confusion, she adds, “Um… I think we all have a lot to discuss, but… that’s up to you, Beau. If you want the others to finally get it.”

Beau has been visibly ill-at-ease since she started talking about her family, but this is nothing compared to her immediate reaction. She instantly shrinks and this time, she can’t help it. She starts furiously scratching her neck.

Yasha’s first instinct is to grab her hand to make her stop, but she controls herself. She won’t make that mistake again. Instead, she reaches out, but there is absolutely no reaction on Beau’s end. She gets really worried when she sees how quick it was for her to be far gone and no longer respond to external signals. She glances at her friends and sees they are just as concerned as her. The only time they saw her so distressed was when she confronted her father.

Yasha completely turns toward her, “Beau, stop.”

No reaction.

“Beau, you’re hurting yourself.”

This time, Beau looks at her. She still has her hand on her neck, but at least she stopped scratching. Her breath is erratic.

“Give me your hand.”

Beau stays still for a brief moment, until she slowly reaches out and shakily takes Yasha’s hand, or rather gives her her hand to hold.

“Good. It’s okay, you have nothing to worry about. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. You don’t have to talk about any of this if you don’t want to, we can just move on. But if you do, I’m here with you. You’re not alone.”

Beau nods and blinks. She seems to be slowly coming back to reality.

“Beau?”

She turns and sees Jester, who is sitting on her other side, looking at her with deep concern in her eyes.

“Are you okay? Wha- What’s wrong?”

Yasha releases Beau’s hand so that she can sign. **There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but… it’s a bit… touchy.**

“It’s okay, whatever you have to say, you can tell us.”

Beau stares at Jester. How is she supposed to tell her best friend that she has been silencing her on a regular basis, just like the rest of their friends? She knows she didn’t mean to be rude or hurt her feelings. Jester has always been so sweet and so nice, she won’t understand what Beau is trying to tell her. Maybe it is not worth risking to raise conflicts. She doesn’t want to hurt her friends, certainly not Jester.

She stiffens a bit when she feels a massive hand on her shoulder. Yasha leans forward and whispers, “No more feeling guilty about your feelings, remember? You deserve to speak your mind.” She squeezes her shoulder. “You can wait if you want to, but don’t silence yourself. Don’t do this.”

Beau nods as an answer. She takes a deep breath and Yasha lets go of her as she turns to face the rest of the group.

**Your behavior toward me lately, and even before that, I-** Gods, this is so hard. **I don’t like it.**

Veth immediately gets defensive. “What do you mean, our behavior?”

“Shut up, Veth.”

They are all shocked by Yasha’s sharp tone, but no one objects. They understand at last how serious it is.

Yasha puts a comforting hand on Beau’s leg and Beau briefly brushes it before signing.

**I can’t speak, guys, and I don’t think you realize what it’s like.**

She can see Fjord is about to interrupt her once more, but he refrains himself at the last minute. Maybe he starts figuring out what this is all about.

**You probably didn’t realize it, but even something as simple as fighting has become an issue. Some of my abilities are literally useless now. How am I supposed to tell you what our enemies’ strengths and weaknesses are if I can’t speak? I won’t sign in the middle of a battle. And this, this is the least of my problems. How will I call for help? I could die in the middle of a fight and you wouldn’t notice.**

She needs to stop for a moment to gather her thoughts. Yasha squeezes her leg in place of an encouragement.

**That’s just the practical aspect. It sure bugs me, but that's not the worst part. I don’t usually brag, but do you realize what my voice brought to the group? I convinced the Plank King to listen and got us a trial instead of being executed right away for attacking pirates. I talked to Yussa and started the work to make him an ally. I spoke during our encounter with King Dwendal. Once again, I don’t like to brag, and I know my position as an Expositor probably helped, but I don’t know if everybody here would have been able to explain how we befriended the Dynasty and still have us walk out safe and sound like I did. I got us out of trouble on several occasions. I’m not saying I’m more valuable than others, I’m just saying I bring my own skills to the group. If you need any evidence of this, think about what I brought to the table when we went head to head with the Tomb Takers.**

She stops signing and deeply exhales. She is not speaking and yet, she is panting. She looks at Yasha, who offers a reassuring nod. She is here with her, she is not alone. She can do it. She must do it.

She takes a deep breath and resumes. **I didn’t like what happened during our first audience with the Bright Queen when we arrived in Rosohna. I said it already, but maybe I should have been more honest when I spoke up. I don’t know if you realize how frustrating it was for me. I’m not saying I would have done better. Caleb, you literally saved us and maybe I couldn’t have. But hell, I didn’t even get the opportunity to try and contribute to the conversation!**

She then glares at Jester and Fjord, knowing that she feels horrible about it, but it’s too late to turn back. **Seriously, I thought **YOU TWO** , of all people, would not resort to a ruse involving making us fucking slaves!** She smirks a little inside, finally grateful to Deilin for teaching her swear words; it was very satisfying.

But she keeps going. **You two, and Yasha, were taken by slavers! And you never, EVER, talk about it anymore! What about that ruse really felt like a fucking good idea?! It didn’t occur to you that you were acting no different from fucking **_Lorenzo_ **?! And Yasha… she told me just the other night that she couldn’t fucking do anything to stop it, because she didn’t feel like part of the fucking group, not enough to stop it. What the fuck is wrong with you?!**

She looks down and breathes heavily. She is finally coming to terms with her emotions and speaking her mind. It feels so… cathartic, and yet still so fucking terrifying. But she can’t stop now, or else she will never find the courage to do that again. She can’t, she won’t be able to speak up again. And she’d said so much already, might as well rip the fucking bandage off once and for all, even if it makes the others hate her.

_I’m too far gone anyway._

**It’s been even worse than that lately. Usually, I could raise my voice if I needed to, but now I can’t speak. Do you know how hard it is to be gesticulating like an idiot to try to make your voice heard when people literally just have to speak to silence you? You often cut me short when I’m signing. I know you don’t do it on purpose, but the thing is you _do_ interrupt me. And yes, I know not everybody would react like me, but it is what it is. I’m not responsible for being triggered because of the shitty childhood I got.**

She hates talking about her childhood, but she has to. When she looks up, all her friends are patiently waiting, and more than a little freaked, as if she just instilled the fear of the gods in them. It feels a little shitty, but it also feels good to finally be able to express herself without having someone cutting her short or trying to finish her sentences.

**Every time I was trying to talk to my father and explain how I felt, either he didn’t listen, or he just spoke over me when I was trying to make my point. On-** she pauses to stop her hands from shaking, **On the day the monks came for me, I tried to talk to my mother. I wanted to know what she truly thought, if she had agreed to that or just hadn’t said anything. I wanted- I needed to know if she was part of that decision. But my father didn’t let me. He literally stood between us and then yelled at my mother until she left the room.**

Yasha is in shock, as is the whole party. They didn’t know that part of the story; Beau had never told them.

**I begged him to let me speak with my mother before leaving, but he didn’t, so I tried to go past him. That’s when he slapped me.**

She clenches her fists and they can all see how painful this memory is.

**The monks didn’t take me away. This was the very first time my father was physically violent, but I decided this would be the last. I knew there was no coming back after that. I went with the monks willingly.**

She swallows hard.

**I know what you saw of my father showed nothing but a man who tried his best but had a difficult child, but that’s what he does, that’s what he always does. He told me about his father before, and that was one of the times I tried to have a real open conversation with him, but he didn’t listen. He will always try and attract the empathy of others. He was consistently gaslighting me as I was growing up, always playing the victim. He is so good at it that I have spent my whole childhood wondering if I was actually as terrible as he said. Even to this day, I’m still not sure.**

Yasha grips her leg. “I’m sure you weren’t a terrible daughter. Even if you had been, you didn’t deserve to be treated this way.”

Beau thanks her with a nod and tries to offer a smile, though it is a sad one.

**I know it’s hard to believe, but everything I’ve told you about him is true. I swear.**

“You don’t have to justify yourself.”

They all turn to Caleb. He looks Beauregard right in the eye.

“We stood silent when you needed us to speak up, and now that you need to be listened to, we are silencing you. We’re the ones to blame.”

He stands up and goes around the table. Without a second thought, he kneels down in front of Beau in a humble pose, arm outstretched and hand placed on her shoulder, gently squeezing it. A grounding motion they both are very familiar with when one needs stability and focus. Now that Beau thinks about it, it has been quite a long time since he did so for her.

“We made a mistake. Many mistakes, actually. Believe me when I say that I didn’t buy a single word your father said.”

The rest of the party remains silent and Beau notices the looks of embarrassment on their faces. They probably all gave more or less credit to her father’s speech. He is really good at this, she can’t blame them. But still, she can’t help resenting them a bit, because it means they didn’t give as much credit to what she had told them as she had hoped.

“But it doesn’t matter that I didn’t, because I didn’t speak up.”

Beau can see he is sincere. Although it’s too late to change the way her confrontation with her father went, it warms her heart that he recognizes his wrongs.

“I will do my best to make it right by you.” He looks at his friends sitting around the table, “We all will.”

They still look uncomfortable, but they vigorously nod.

Jester is by far the most overwhelmed of all. “I’m sorry, Beau. When I said you should give your father a chance, I didn’t realize how it came out. I never meant you should forgive him. That’s yours to choose whether or not you will ever. I just meant that holding a grudge for the rest of your life would make you miserable. You don’t have to forgive him if you don’t want to, but don’t let him ruin your future any more than he ruined your childhood.”

Fjord clears his throat, “You know… A captain should always support his crew, no matter what. As my first mate, you’ve always showed up when I needed you. I didn’t stand up when you needed me too. In fact, I tried to dodge the conflict, because that’s what I do. It’s useful in certain circumstances, but not this time. I should have been here for you. I’m sorry.”

Veth is particularly conscientious when she signs, “And I’m sorry I was an asshole. At first, I didn’t put in the effort to sign, and even when I did, I spoke over you more than once. I always do this with everybody and I was doing it even before you lost your voice, but I understand that it would be more hurtful now. I’ll be more careful from now on.”

Caduceus slowly nods in approval. “I- I always have the best intentions at heart, but I understand that sometimes, when I’m trying to offer guidance, my questions can come as… bothering.”

The rest of the party smiles. "That is one way of putting it," Veth snarks. And for once, no one objects to the halfling.

“I hope you find a way, not necessarily to forgive your father, but to go past the resentment. I think you’ve already broken free from his influence, but there’s still work to do. If there’s only one thing worse than the suffering from the past, it is to be held back by those who inflected this suffering upon us. But I’m not worried about you. You are strong and I know you will find a way to overcome the grievance and not let the trauma rob you from your happiness. I’ll be there to offer guidance whenever needed. Just ask me. Oh, and… I’ll make sure we all respect your voice too.”

There is an awkward silence. Yasha gently brushes Beau's leg with her thumb.

Caleb suddenly looks even more serious than he was before.

"I didn't know how to bring it up, but I guess now is as good a time as any. Essek and I reached a dead end. We tried to work our way around the difficulties, but we're stuck."

Beau feels the weight of the world drop onto our shoulders. She tries to keep her composure, but she knows she probably fails. She looks down to hide her despair and Caleb immediately grabs her arm and squeezes it.

"This is not over, Beauregard, don't give up. I think you can help us."

She doesn't answer and just shakes her head 'no'.

"Come on, Beauregard. Look at me."

She grudgingly lifts her head up and stares into Caleb's eyes. The only time she saw him as determined was when he was trying to turn Veth back to her true self.

"Do you believe me when I say we will find a solution?"

She doesn't move at first. He looks so sure of his statement, it’s hard not to believe him. She can at least pretend for the sake of his commitment. She nods.

“Will you work with Essek and I on breaking that curse?”

**What help would I be? I’m not a magic practitioner.**

“But you still have some knowledge in the field of arcanum and as you said, I think you have a lot to offer.” He reaches out and gently taps her temple with the tip of his index. “Your intelligence and wit are your best assets. Besides your sharp tongue.”

Beau slightly smiles. It’s a sad smile, but this is more than Caleb was hoping for.

“I know you told me you didn’t want to have anything to do with Essek, but this is not about him. This is about you. I know you, and you’re not the kind of person who stands by, doing nothing. What do you say you take your fate into your own hands and prove to the Cerberus Assembly that no one can stop Expositor Beauregard Lionett from making her voice heard?”

Beauregard can’t believe Caleb is giving her a pep talk and it’s actually working. Damn, who would have thought the sad boy of the group would be good at this?

"I know it won't erase what we did wrong lately, but I hope giving you your voice back can help."

She nods and forces a smile, **Thanks.**

“So, what do you say?”

Beau bites her lower lip. Accepting to work temporarily with Essek doesn’t mean she gives him her pardon, and just like her father, she doesn’t have to ever forgive him. Besides, she has felt useless lately. She’s kept researching, going to all the Archives of the Cobalt Soul, but this is not going anywhere. Maybe Caleb is right. Maybe this is time she takes charge of her own destiny again.

She takes a deep breath, **Okay.**

Caleb smiles widely.

**On one condition.**

“ _Ja_ , tell me.”

**Can I have my Nein emotional support with me?**

Caleb’s smile widens even more and their friends all chuckle.

“As Fjord said, you don’t need to ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW! Even when planning it, this was a SUPER ROUGH CHAPTER to come up with. And yet, sometimes you gotta brute force your way into overcoming your trauma. And you gotta have faith that even when you're falling, those you love are there to catch you.
> 
> And this isn't even the worst to come. You've been warned.
> 
> By the way, the idea that Beau actually went with the Soul willingly was me and Luce's headcanon. Because Thoreau Lionett is that much of an abusive asshole. Fuck that guy.


	6. Something I Can Never Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You make this all go away/You make this all go away/I'm down to just one thing/And I'm starting to scare myself  
> You make this all go away/You make this all go away/I just want something/I just want something I can never have  
> You always were the one to show me how/Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now  
> This thing is slowly taking me apart/Grey would be the color if I had a heart  
> In this place it seems like such a shame/Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same  
> Everywhere I look you're all I see/Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be  
> Come on, tell me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beau undergoes a ritual helmed by Caleb and Essek, unsure whether or not it will succeed. Because since when have things actually gone right for Beauregard Lionett since this whole mess began? And when is the other shoe about to drop?

_ Yash! _

The call resonates only in her own mind. She can’t speak and still, every time, she tries to call out Yasha’s name when she is taking care of her like she is right now.

_ Fuck! _

Not hearing her own voice and moans is way more frustrating than Beau had ever anticipated. It seems that everything is lately: frustrating. And it is becoming… well… frustrating. Luckily, there are ways to release this tension, at least for a moment.

One hand on the tiled wall, the other reaching out behind her to grab Yasha’s ass, her eyes are closed, but this is not because of the water dripping down on her. She just can’t keep them open more than a few seconds, it’s physically impossible for her at the moment.

She feels a heavy breath on her neck and then a whisper in her ear. “Are you okay?” She nods vigorously. “More?” As soon as she nods again, she feels long fingers tangled in her messy hair. A firm hand grips it and pulls her head backward. She would be moaning so loudly if she could.

She is pretty sure she is in heaven, the angel standing right behind her is proof of it.

Just when Beau thinks she won’t last much longer, Yasha pulls her head to the side. She feels teeth brushing her skin and biting down on her neck right after. The slight pain sends her off the edge.

Her knees buckle and if it wasn’t for Yasha, she would probably fall down right away. The aasimar releases Beau’s hair and she wraps her arm around her waist to keep her on her legs. Beau’s orgasm goes through her body like a tsunami and when the aftershock is over, she is exhausted.

Yasha kisses Beau's neck lazily, gently easing her out of the remaining shivers. She stops at the mark her teeth left and takes extra care of it. "Was it too much?" she asks with worry in her voice. She feels relieved when Beau shakes her head from left to right.

The monk slowly turns around, still a bit wobbly from her very recent orgasm. She circles Yasha's neck with her arms and gives her a sloppy kiss. As she responds, Yasha puts one arm around Beau's shoulders and the other behind her legs, and she sweeps her off her feet to carry her damsel style. Beau is taken by surprise and immediately clings to her neck to secure herself. Had she had her voice, she would have squealed.

Once the surprise of the first moment fades away, she rests her head on Yasha’s shoulder as she steps outside of the bathtub. “Wanna walk?”

Beau shakes her head ‘no’ and then makes a head motion toward the bedroom.

“Bed?”

Beau nods her head positively.

“We’re gonna drip water everywhere.”

The monk shrugs nonchalantly and Yasha smiles and shakes her head. She walks to the shelf, “Take a few towels, at least.”

Beau keeps one hand on Yasha’s shoulder and grabs towels. She wipes her own face and then playfully brushes Yasha’s hair to dry most of the water. Yasha walks out of the bathroom and gently puts Beau down on the bed. She takes the towel Beau is giving her and brushes her girlfriend’s hair. When she’s done, she strokes her cheek.

“Are you feeling better?”

Beau nods, **Thank you.**

“Of course.” Yasha leans down and kisses her forehead.

Earlier that day, they met Essek for the very first time since they had uncovered the truth. Needless to say it was trying for all of them, mostly for Beau. Essek had prepared himself and started learning sign language, but even with his bright mind, he was way less advanced than her and all of her friends.

Yasha’s hand is still cupping Beau’s face when Beau catches her eyes flicking down. It’s brief, just a split second, but when Yasha looks back up, her expression is different. The change is subtle, but Beau is perceptive enough to notice it. She is about to question her, but she’s not fast enough. Yasha turns around and walks over to the chair where she put her clothes. Beau sees long red scratches on Yasha’s left butt cheek. She would grin if she wasn’t slightly worried. She watches as the aasimar fumbles through her stuff until she pulls out her symbol of the Stormlord. She holds it tightly.

Beau stares until her girlfriend's attention is back on her. **You okay?**

Yasha puts casual clothes on, still holding onto the symbol, “Yes”. Once she is dressed, she looks at Beau, “I’m gonna go pray for a bit.”

**Want me to come?**

She looks down at the medallion and turns it several times in her hand, “I’d like to have this moment to myself. If it’s okay.”

Beau crosses her arms and pretends to be upset. It brings a smile to Yasha’s face, which makes the monk feel a bit better. **Give me a kiss, and then you can go.**

Yasha grins, “I would happily pay this tax, ma’am.” She walks up to the bed and gives Beau a long kiss. When she breaks it, she puts a discarded lock behind her ears, “I won’t be long.”

**Take all the time you need.**

Yasha pecks her on the lips and then leaves the room.

Beau shoots her one last look before she closes the door and frowns worriedly.

* * *

Beauregard and Yasha are still sleeping tight when they hear loud knocks. They wake up with a jolt and barely have time to process what is going on before the door opens. Caleb enters with one hand covering his eyes. “Hello. I hope none of you is naked. I’m sorry for the intrusion, but this is important.”

Yasha rubs her eyes, “It’s okay, Caleb, we’re both dressed.”

He uncovers his eyes, but at the exact same moment, he hears Yasha’s voice, “Beau, no!”

Too late.

Beau is holding her tank top up with a big grin on her face. Yasha pulls it down, but she’s not fast enough. Caleb hardly sees anything, but he knows the picture of the monk’s breast will be seared in his mind forever. He covers his eyes again, but the damage has been done. “What the hell, Beauregard?”

“She says your face was priceless.”

“I’m sure it was.” Caleb hears a small giggle, and he recognizes Yasha’s voice. “Don’t encourage her!”

Yasha suppresses another chuckle. Even if Beau’s attitude is childish, she always finds it cute when Caleb and she are acting like siblings.

Caleb clears his throat, “Anyway. I’m sorry, it’s terribly impolite, but I won’t uncover my eyes. I just wanted to tell you Essek and I found something. Something concrete. So… Meeting in the salon in five I guess, if you’re done with your shenanigans.” He starts slowly walking backward and bumps into the door. He can hear Yasha chuckle again. “I know you’re laughing too, Beauregard, stop it. I hate you.”

Beau grins and signs even if he can’t see her, **I hate you too.**

He finally finds his way out of the bedroom and closes the door.

A few minutes later, Beauregard and Yasha join the rest of the party in the salon. Caduceus is already here, but Fjord comes in shortly after them and Jester is the last to arrive.

Caleb claps his hands and keeps them clenched. “Alright, Mighty Nein. We have a serious lead.”

Veth and he both have dark circles under their eyes. They look exhausted. Caleb didn’t come back home with the others the day before and Veth stayed with him to keep him company. They have probably been up all night working with Essek.

Beauregard trades her previous playfulness for sobriety. **How serious?**

“Very serious. I think we might be able to break the curse very soon. Today, actually.”

Silence falls around. They are all staring at Caleb with wide eyes. Some have their mouth slightly ajar, namely Jester. Everybody reacts in some way. Everybody except Beauregard. She is still perfectly impassive.

**Are you sure?**

“I can’t be until we try and succeed.”

**What if we don’t? Do you have a backup plan?**

“We will have time to find one if this solution doesn’t work.”

**I don’t have time.**

Yasha tries to put a hand on her shoulder, but she swiftly escapes her touch as she keeps looking at Caleb. The aasimar doesn’t take it as a personal attack and is not offended, but it hurts nevertheless.

Caleb walks up to Beauregard. “Do you trust me?”

**I do. But you’ve been stuck for so long.**

“And now we’re not. Thanks to you. Being able to… well, study you, for a lack of a better word” Beau winces, but he keeps going, “helped us a great deal.  _ You _ helped us. Maybe you won’t like me saying this, but since you started working with us, Essek has been able to figure out a lot of things about that enchantment.”

Beau eyes him suspiciously.

“So. What do you say we try to break that curse?”

Beauregard remains still. She looks at her friends one by one. Fjord nods confidently. Jester offers one of her bright smiles. Caduceus stares at her and smiles. Veth has her caring mom expression on. Yasha’s eyes are soft and warm. Beau hesitantly reaches out, her own way to silently apologize for her previous avoidance and ask for support. Yasha takes her hand and squeezes it.

After a short moment, Beau releases her girlfriend’s hand and looks back at Caleb. **You said we could try today?**

He nods in place of an answer.

**What are we waiting for?**

* * *

Less than an hour later, they are in Essek’s laboratory. Caleb is helping him to set up the ritual, drawing on the ground as the drow is gathering the necessary components on a small table. The Mighty Nein are sitting, anxiously watching. It looks like they are all waiting for an appointment. This is ridiculous.

Beau’s legs are bouncing and she is fidgeting. Yasha lets a few minutes pass before putting a soothing hand on her leg without a word. Beau immediately stops. She briefly looks at Yasha and then swiftly grabs her hand.

“Alright, the sigils are ready.” Caleb rubs his hands together to get rid of the chalk. He looks at the patterns on the floor and seems happy with the final product. He turns around, “Will you join me in the circle, Beauregard, please?”

Beau takes a deep breath. Yasha loosens her grip, but Beau doesn’t let go, and so she stands up with her. The monk glances at her friends and silently asks them to come with her with a head motion. They all stand up and join her.

Once Beau is in the middle of the circle, Caleb takes a small bowl on the table. It is filled with a green preparation. “I’m going to draw a few symbols on your upper chest, but it won’t hurt, don’t worry.”

**Don’t take the opportunity to look, okay? Oh, wait. You’ve already seen everything there’s to see this morning.**

Caleb tries to hide his smile and pretend he is not at least a bit amused. “ _ Stille. _ ”

He plunges his thumb into the preparation and starts drawing. When he’s done, he takes some more and traces symbols on her left cheek. She is about to protest, but he looks concentrated and she doesn’t want to interrupt him. He does her right cheek next and finishes with her forehead. He then takes a step back and looks at her face.

She raises her eyebrows, **You said upper chest. Was it really necessary?**

“It wasn’t, I’m just messing with you. I wanted to see if you would let me do it. Now you look like an idiot.”

Jester giggles, “Why didn’t you draw any dicks?”

Caleb turns and extends the bowl to her, “You want to draw one?”

Jester squeals and before Beau can say or do anything, she takes some of the preparation and starts expertly drawing on her chin. The monk sighs but stays still. Jester seems satisfied once she’s done, “It looks really nice!”

**I’m sure it does.**

Veth grins, “That’s probably the closest you’ve ever been to sucking a penis.”

Caduceus looks confused, Fjord instantly blushes and Beau grins, **You don’t know that.**

Caleb puts the bowl down, “Alright! Enough with your sex life.”

**You’re the one who started this!**

He ignores her indignation and looks her in the eye, “Are you ready?”

Beau is suddenly serious again. This light moment had helped her relax, but now she is terrified. **I guess.**

Caleb gently grabs her shoulders. “You might have your voice back very soon.”

Beau swallows hard and forces a nod.

Jester steps next to her and puts a hand on the small of her back, just like she did that day in Kamordah when Beau was confronting her father. “Whatever happens, we’re here, okay?”

Beau manages to smile through her apprehension.

They all gather around her and without having to ask for it, she receives a big hug. When they part, they spontaneously step to the side to give Yasha and her some semblance of intimacy.

Yasha gently strokes Beau’s forearm, “How do you feel?”

**Terrified.**

Yasha wraps her hands around hers. They look so small in her massive grip. “We’re all here with you.” She can see how scared Beau is. She bends down and puts her forehead against hers. “I’m here.” They are both squinting a bit, but this is sweet. Beau leans closer and gets on her tiptoes to kiss her. Yasha holds her by the waist, partially to support her as she can feel her legs shaking.

They look at each other a bit longer when they part. Yasha squeezes Beau’s hands. “Ready?” Beau nods a bit more vigorously this time. Yasha pecks her on the lips and then releases her hands. She walks out of the circle to join the rest of their friends and she’s replaced by Caleb.

“This is going to be long, so you should probably sit down.”

**Do you need me to do anything?**

“Just be patient.”

Beau sits down in the center of the circle. There is a short hesitation before she crosses her legs, lays the back of her hands on her knees with her palms turned upward and closes her eyes. She deeply inhales and exhales several times.

“Let’s start.”

She nods, but she keeps her eyes closed.

A few more breaths and she can feel her heart slowing down. She concentrates, dismisses all the sounds and external stimuli around her, and focuses on her inner self.

She is back to Nicodranas. She is meditating on the beach. The waves are hitting the shore in rhythm. Everything is fine.

* * *

Time passes by. Minutes? Maybe hours? Or days? Who knows.

Beauregard hears her name called from far, far away. She almost misses it as she is deep into meditation. She has never been so focused before.

She slowly opens her eyes and blinks a few times. The light is low in the laboratory. But this is always nighttime in Rosohna, so why does it look like the room is darker than it was when she left the conscious world? She looks around and sees some candles have been blown out. All of them, actually. The room is lit by Caleb’s globules.

Her friends are all staring at her expectantly. She looks back at them, a bit embarrassed to be observed like a laboratory animal.

Caleb steps forward. “Let’s give it a try, shall we? Can you speak?”

It’s strange. She was so far gone in her meditation that she almost forgot what they were here for. Almost.

She opens her mouth and forms words. Her friends can see her lips moving, but nothing happens. The ominous silence hovering over the room remains. She frowns and clears her throat, at least she tries to. There is absolutely no sound. She tries again. Still nothing. She freezes.

She tries to speak again as she feels panic starting to make its way inside of her chest, but she can’t. Her breath picks up. All the benefits of her meditation are long gone now. Suddenly, dozens of different emotions wash over her.

Caleb is lost and confused, “Essek, what’s wrong?”

Essek is already going through his notes frantically, “I don’t understand. It should have worked.”

Fjord clenches his jaw. His eyes go from Caleb to Essek, back and forth. “You said you had found something. You said it was serious.”

“It was!” Caleb defends himself. “It was supposed to work.”

“Supposed is not enough, she needs an  _ actual _ solution that will  _ actually _ work.”

Essek is still speed-reading the parchments scattered all across his laboratory. He ignores the argument that is obviously building up and goes to the board to start writing formulas.

“You think this is what we were doing all this time? Messing around, playing sorcerer’s apprentice?”

“I’m starting to wonder.”

Caleb visibly recoils at this. He’s very clearly affected as he stares at Fjord in shock.

“You two, stop fighting!” Jester walks toward Beau. “We don’t need that right now. Or ever.” She crouches down and puts a hand on Beau’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. Caleb and Essek are gonna figure it out.”

Beau is still sitting on the ground. She hasn’t moved much since she realized she is still silent. Jester hands her a tissue so that she can wipe her face of the ridiculous drawings her friends did on her. Yasha eyes her warily. She‘s learned to read the signs and she knows a storm is coming, but not the kind that she likes so much.

Once her face is mostly cleaned up, Beau gives her tissue back to Jester and slowly stands up. The tiefling tilts her head to the side, “Beau?”

The monk walks over to where Essek is. He is so focused on the formulas, mumbling under his breath, that he doesn’t notice her approaching. Yasha knew she was about to lash out, but she hadn’t anticipated she would do so physically. Beau is so fast that her friends don’t have time to stop her or even cry out.

In a split second, she stands on one foot, adjusts her balance, and expertly kicks the chalk out of Essek's hand. They all watch in silence as the chalk spins in the air and then falls onto the ground with a snapping sound. She didn’t touch Essek’s hand at all.

**Figure it out, or next time I might kick something else.**

With that, Beau turns around. She’s about to leave the room when Caleb steps forward in a hurry. “I shouldn’t have made a promise I wasn’t sure I could fulfill. I’m sorry, Beauregard.”

She doesn’t stop and she slams the door.

They are all speechless. They exchange awkward gazes, trying to figure out what they should do now. Essek is silent, his usual stern expression on, despite what just occurred.

Fjord clears his throat, “Should we… I don’t know… go after her?”

Jester puts her hands on her hips, “Certainly not you. She needs someone who will tame her anger, not encourage it.”

“Hey! I was rooting for her.”

“Clearly, it didn’t help!”

Yasha doesn’t take part in the brewing conflict and just moves toward the door, but Veth is faster. She brushes her leg and whispers, “I’ve got this.” She doesn’t wait for Yasha’s answer and goes after Beauregard.

As she is running to catch up with the monk, she draws her crossbow and arms it. As soon as she comes in the staircase and sees her, she aims. “Hey, Beau!”

The monk turns just in time to catch the bolt before it hits her in the chest. She furiously throws it away and it rolls down the stairs. **The fuck?!**

“Just catch!” With no further explanation, Veth fires again. Beau stops the second bolt. The halfling is already arming for a third blow, but the monk doesn’t let her. She rushes up the stairs, grabs her crossbow and deflects it as she is shooting. The bolt goes wide, bounces off of the ceiling, and almost hits Veth.

Beau pushes the crossbow to the side and palms Veth in the face. She then moves her hands very meticulously to form very distinct signs, **What. The Hell. Are You. Doing?!**

“What do you mean, what am I doing?!” Veth wipes off the bit of blood that is coming out of her nose. “You just fucking hit me in the face!”

Beau is speechless. She is about to yell at Veth - as much as yelling at someone is possible through sign language - but then a big grin grows on the halfling’s face.

“I was trying to distract you. Did it work?”

Beau gapes for a moment before slowly shaking her head. **So not only do you shoot your friends when you’re trying to test healing powers, you also do it when you’re trying to distract them from a very, very shitty day. You’re fucking insane, you know that, right?**

“I’ve heard worse things about me.”

Beau grins.

“On the bright side, you got better at it! You caught two bolts, this time.”

**Please, don’t make it a habit to try and see how many I can catch in a row.**

“No promise.”

Beau shakes her head again, but she is visibly amused by her friend’s foolishness. She then looks Veth in the eye, **Thanks.**

“No worry, kiddo.”

**Please, don’t say that again.**

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Beau sighs and slumps on the stairs. She puts her elbows on her knees and crosses her arms with her head held down. Veth joins her and sits down next to her.

“Do you regret accepting that mission Dairon gave you?”

Beau thinks for a moment. **I honestly don’t know at this point. At first I thought I could overcome it. It builds character, you know. But now… I’m not sure. If I never get my voice back, I think I will truly regret it.**

“Yeah, I get it. This situation is… It’s confusing.”

Beau scoffs, **How would you know?**

“I was a goblin not long ago, remember?”

**This is not the same. You looked different, but you were still yourself.**

“Not to compare hardships or play ‘who’s had it worst’, but I was pretty much robbed of my identity, so I think I understand pretty damn well how you might feel right now.”

Beau looks away.

“I know our two situations are not exactly the same, but being a halfling was a big part of who I was, so I can understand why it would be hard to be robbed of your voice. It’s not just about your position as an Expositor, it’s about who you are deep down.”

Beau doesn’t answer, but she nods in approval.

Veth gently elbows her, “Caleb and Essek are working really hard to free you from that curse, you know. I can attest that.”

**Unfortunately, all the determination and commitment in the world might not be sufficient.**

“Well… Hard to argue with that.”

Veth stops talking and they stay in the stairs, both silent. A moment passes and then the halfling rummages through her pockets. Beau eyes her and frowns as she pulls out her copper wire. Veth brings the wire to her lips, then turns and points in the direction of the laboratory.

“Private Nydoorin, do you hear me? I think Private Lionett wants to shnuggle. You should probably take her back to the tower and make sure she is taken care of. You can reply to this message.”

Beau silently chuckles and playfully punches Veth in the shoulder. She doesn’t know if Yasha answers, but shortly after, all of their friends show up in the staircase. They all seem quieter now, even if Caleb is still visibly nervous.

Yasha immediately joins Beau and crouches down on the step right behind her. She puts her head down on her right shoulder, “I heard there was a situation.”

Beau smiles and leans her head against the side of Yasha’s.

Caleb clears his throat, “We will return to work and find something else. Something better. Right, Veth?”

“Sure. But before, we both have a few hours of sleep to catch up on.”

“There’s no ti-”

Beau turns around and faces him, **I will knock you out myself if you don’t come home with us and have a decent night of sleep.**

Caleb’s eyes widen a bit, but then his face lights up with amusement. “In that case, I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”

Beau nods, visibly satisfied.

“No tower tonight, I’m out of magic for today. So… to the Xhorhaus?”

Veth enthusiastically agrees, “To the Xhorhaus!”

* * *

It’s a quiet day in Rosohna. They are staying at the Xhorhaus for the time being, to make their life easier while they are working with Essek. He has Dynasty business to deal with, so the Mighty Nein decide to take a day off and have some time for themselves. In the afternoon, they are all gathered in the Happy Room, except Yasha, who isolated herself earlier. They have been here for an hour, just casually chatting like they often do. Beauregard has not been in a festive mood since the failed attempt. She still doesn’t know the answer to Caduceus’ question - whether people have to be happy to enter the Happy Room or if they get happy in - but she knows that for her, none of these boxes are checked for the time being.

She stands up to leave, but Jester gently grabs her hand. “Hey, are you okay?”

**Yeah, I’m fine. I’m gonna go for a walk.**

“Do you want us to come with you?”

Beau shakes her head. **I’d like to be alone, if that’s alright.**

Jester seems a bit concerned, but she nods and Beau leaves the room.

When she steps outside of the house, she hears a sweet melody. She raises her head and looks at the very top of the Xhorhaus, where the giant tree with improvised light garlands hanging in its branches is visible. She listens for a moment and then she steps back inside and races up the stairs. She likes running just for the sake of it. She slows down when she reaches the tower and tries to be as silent as possible.

Yasha is sitting next to the shrine Caduceus created for her. Her harp is resting on her lap and she is playing. Beauregard listens closely and she can hear her slightly humming. She doesn’t make herself known. She just stands there, reveling in the music. Yasha looks peaceful and she likes seeing her in these moments.

After a while, Yasha stops playing. She inhales and looks up. That’s when she notices Beau. She seems surprised for a second, but then she smiles. “Hey.”

Beau awkwardly waves her hand. **Sorry to bother you.**

“No, no, no. You didn’t.”

The monk grins. The last time she saw Yasha like this was when she was coming back from the burlesque show and stumbled upon her. **I was going for a walk, but then I changed my mind when I heard you. Is it okay if I stay and listen for a bit?**

“Of course.”

She joins Yasha and sits next to her. The aasimar seems ill-at-ease all of a sudden, but she resumes playing. She is a bit hesitant at the beginning, but she slowly relaxes and the music becomes more fluid. Beau looks at her fingers pinching the chords. Listening and watching is really appeasing. She puts her head on Yasha’s shoulder and enjoys the simplicity of the moment.

The track comes to a close and Yasha stops playing. Beau closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Yasha’s smell is nice. A slight smile rises on her lips.

“What are you smiling about?”

She opens her eyes and sits straight, **You do smell like a crayon.**

Yasha blushes, but she can’t hide her smile.

**That was really beautiful. Thanks for letting me stay.**

Yasha puts a hand on Beau’s leg and rubs her knee, “Anytime.” They share a smile. “You didn’t want to be with the others? You seemed to be having a good time when I left.”

Beau shrugs in place of an answer.

“I can see something’s bothering you. You wanna talk about it?”

**I don’t know. It’s just... It feels… wrong. I used to have fun with them, mostly Jester and Veth, but now it’s…** she shrugs again, **It’s different.**

Yasha nods in understanding and Beau sighs. **It feels like being outside of an inside joke. Except that I know that inside joke and I used to be part of it.**

“I’m not sure I can relate. I’m not really known for my sense of humor.”

**You have a lot of humor.**

“Not the kind that people get, apparently.”

**Not people in general, just Veth and Caduceus. And sometimes the rest of us.** Beau stops and thinks for a moment. **I’m not sure we count, we’re a bunch of idiots.**

Yasha coyly smiles.

**Anyway, you have a great sense of humor.**

“Thanks, Beau.” Yasha briefly looks to the side, visibly flustered. “But more seriously. I get it though.”

**I just can’t keep up with them when they’re joking back and forth, you know. I miss being part of the Chaos Crew.**

“You’re still part of it.”

**I guess. But it’s not the same now.**

“Things will eventually go back to normal.”

**Will they, though?**

Yasha stares at her with a sad look on her face. “Come on.” She opens her arms and Beau finds shelter in her embrace. “I know it’s hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you have to believe that we all love you the same, okay? We just need to adapt to this new normal.”

Beau breaks free from the hug and frowns, **I don’t want it to be the new normal.**

“I know, Beau, but you said it yourself multiple times: maybe there is no solution.”

Beau suddenly stands up and starts striding away. Yasha immediately gets on her feet. “Beau, wait!”

The monk stops and turns around. Her fists are clenched and her whole frame is tense.

“Sorry, that was stupid. I thought maybe you needed to hear, for once, someone not affirming that we will find something. That was stupid. I should try and be positive instead of rubbing salt in the wound.”

**I know I’m complaining a lot and I’m a pain in the ass. I know my pessimism won’t help. But I really need you to be optimistic when I’m not.**

Yasha walks toward her, “I know, I’m sorry.” She rubs Beau’s shoulders. “We will find a solution and you will get your voice back, okay?”

Beau barely looks at her and half-heartedly nods.

“In the meantime, what do you say we go join the others and get drunk? My jokes will probably be even less understandable to you guys, it’ll be fun.”

This time, Beau slightly grins and it brings a smile to Yasha’s face. “Alright, let’s go.”

Beau takes Yasha’s hand and intertwines their fingers, and they leave the tower.

* * *

Beauregard hardly understands half of what Caleb and Essek are saying and scribbling down on parchments, and she was partially trained in arcanum, so she gets why all of her friends look so bored at the moment. The only one actually paying attention at this point is Veth. At the beginning, when the Mighty Nein joined the two wizards in their work sessions, she was quiet. But after the first attempt that resulted in failure, she took the leap and started helping the two mages just like she had when they were working on her own curse.

They came to Essek’s place four days in a row and took only one day off before coming back. The fifth session they are currently going through is taxing, that’s for sure. They are still adjusting to the time zone of Rosohna. That, and the fact that they haven’t had any real breakthrough so far, do nothing to help and Beau is growing more and more worried. And worry leads to crankiness.

Caduceus is sitting to the side, apart from the group. He has his eyes closed. He said he would be meditating, but if his slight snore is any indication, he took meditation to the next level. Fjord is absent-mindedly going through a book, but he is trying to keep his hands busy more than he is actually reading. Jester is standing behind Yasha, humming as she is braiding her hair and putting flowers in it. Beauregard is trying very hard not to lose her nerve as she watches Essek and Caleb furiously pacing across the room like crazy people. Her head is leaning on her left hand and her fingers are tapping the table rhythmically.

With no warning, Essek rushes over. “Maybe we could-”

He is so overly enthusiastic that he hits the table with his foot when he reaches for a blank parchment. Caduceus prepared tea that Beau didn’t drink and the discarded full cup in front of her jostles. In other circumstances, she might have been able to dodge or even catch the mug before it spills, but she is simply exhausted these days and her reflexes are not as good. Luckily, she doesn’t get burned, but she ends up with cold tea all over her as the cup shatters on the ground.

The scowl she gives Essek would terrify Tharizdun themselves.

Essek gets suddenly paler. He is mortified. “I’m sorry.”

They are all looking at Beau, anxiously waiting for her reaction. But she doesn’t say anything. She stands up in such a hurry that she almost topples her chair. She signs, not looking at any of her friends particularly. Essek watches with confusion on his face.

Jester walks toward Beau. “You don’t need to, I’m gonna fix it.” She raises her hand and she is about to cast a Mending spell, but Beau signs again. Essek is still unable to make out what she is saying. She turns away and leaves the room.

Essek is baffled. He was sure she would go against him and now, he doesn’t know what to do. “Wha- What just happened?”

Caleb stands next to him. “It’s okay. She said she was going to clean herself and she needed some fresh air.”

“I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“We know you didn’t. She probably knows too. She is just… Well, she’s Beauregard, and in her defense, she’s not in her best mood lately.”

“I can’t blame her for that. Maybe I should go talk to her?”

They all share anxious looks. Caleb scratches his beard. “I don’t know. It could help. But it could make things worse.”

Essek stares at the rest of the Mighty Nein, looking for help, but they all shrug. When his eyes stop on Yasha, the aasimar doesn’t move. He looks at her expectantly and she sighs. “I’m not in her head. All I can say is if you decide to go talk to her, you should brace yourself.”

Essek pauses, then sighs. “I never thought I’d say this… but I’d rather have Beauregard as I knew her before. Not… what the Assembly made her.”

Caleb nods solemnly. “On that, Shadowhand… we agree.”

Jester starts acting even more nervous now. “You’re sure you can’t figure it out? I… don’t like seeing her like this anymore.”

Caleb sighs. “Sorry, but… we are literally deadlocked in finding a solution.” He looks in the direction that Beauregard walked off. “I… I wish I had better news for her. And after I’d told her that she had more to offer than her voice.”

He slams his fist on the table,  _ “Scheißdreck!” _

Veth walks next to him and gently puts a hand on his hip, unable to reach his shoulder. “It’s okay, Caleb. Even if we can’t find anything, she will get through it.”

“I know she will eventually. I’m just... She’s done so much for us, you know. For  _ me _ .”

“I know.” Veth thumbs the copper wire she always uses to cast Message. On instinct she wants to message Beau, but knows full well she won’t… she  _ can’t _ reply to it. “This isn’t Beau. This isn’t right.”

“ _ Ja. _ I wish I could give back just as much as she’s given. All the arcane knowledge in my possession and I’m fucking  _ useless _ !”

Essek takes a deep breath and without saying anything, he walks toward the door, briefly noticing Yasha acting unusually still. They watch silently. Jester is the only one who reacts. She steps between him and his goal as he is about to reach for the knob. “Be nice with her, please. And be willing to listen.”

“I will.”

She looks him right in the eye a bit longer and then steps aside. He opens the door and leaves in his usual elegant floating.

He goes through several rooms before he stops searching aimlessly. He doesn’t need to think very long to figure out where Beauregard would be.

The cellar’s door is ajar when he gets there. He goes down the stairs and finds her going through the shelves. She barely acknowledges his presence and keeps rummaging. He waits patiently, until she pulls out a bottle and examines the label. She blocks it under her arm and faces him. **Too bad you’re no longer on my good side, I would have offered you decent wine.**

That, Essek understood.

He remains silent. Beau goes past him and bumps him in the shoulder. He sighs and follows her out of the cellar.

She goes straight to the kitchen and starts rummaging again. She is scouring a drawer when a hand comes into her field and puts a corkscrew and a wine glass down on the counter. She glances at him and doesn’t question the fact that he didn’t take a glass for himself. She honestly doesn’t care. She grabs the bottle and the rest, goes sit down at the table, and opens the bottle.

Essek watches silently as she pours herself a big glass of red wine. She swirls her glass a bit, smells the wine, and takes a sip. Her face is stern as she tastes it. She slowly nods and stares into the distance. **Rotten.** She looks up, right into Essek’s eyes. **Just like you.**

She is signing very slowly and Essek knows she is doing it on purpose. She wants him to understand every single word she throws at his face.

“You have all the reasons to be mad at me. And I honestly prefer hearing all this.  Hmph. Sometimes it's better to speak with your heart than with your mind. ”

Beau visibly tilts her head a bit and scoffs. **Thanks for acknowledging that. Do you think those who lost loved ones on both sides should be mad at you too? That’s a lot of people.**

Essek doesn’t answer and she keeps going. **I wonder sometimes… People like you, do they lose themselves at some point, or are they just fucking murderers from the day they’re born?**

“Both.” Essek responds, with little hesitation. He notices a brief reaction from the silent Expositor, but it fades just as quickly.

**Fascinating how much I don’t care.** Despite having no voice, Essek could still perceive the vitriol in her signing. **Though I bet you love seeing me like this. Can’t lecture you and criticize you. Not that it would matter much.**

“You’re wrong.”

**Am I?** She takes a big sip of wine.

“I wish I could do something to help you.”

**Would you feel better then?**

“No. But I would make right by you.”

She puts down her glass and stares at him.

“I heard from Caleb. You plan to see your family… your blood family, I mean. You may take my words at face value, or you may not. But… I’m also unhappy with mine.” He pauses. “And since I’m trying and no doubt failing to reach you, there is something you should know.”

Beau’s stare remains unchanged, and yet for a moment he can see the inquisitive focus in her eyes, just as before. **What?**

Essek sighs, releasing his levitation and stepping down onto the ground. “You’re not the only one who’s been… forced to maintain an image, appeal to one’s family’s good graces.”

She tries and fails to hide the impact it has on her. Quick, she must counter.

**Are you seriously doing this? We’re nothing alike.**

“You will always find common traits with people, Beauregard, that’s the trick. Even the worst person in this world has something in common with you. This is why it’s so hard to understand how someone could reach such ends, because in fact, they’re just like you.”

She wants to answer, but the truth is she can’t find anything to say. Even if she had her voice in this moment, she would be speechless. Every instinct in her mind is telling her to doubt, that he’s just trying to get her to be more amicable and let her guard down. But somewhere in her heart, it still sounds…  _ honest _ .

“Even if you feel like the most irredeemable monster in the world, there are always people who remind you of what could’ve been, what can be, or what will be. And even someone like myself knows that.”

Essek shakes his head. “As I said, you’re free to take my words at face value or not. But… if you think I am not concerned for your situation right now, you’re mistaken. I do not ask for forgiveness. And I am not expressing concerns just to placate you or the Mighty Nein. In fact, you may judge me however you wish. It’s your choice. Always has been.”

With that, he begins to turn and exit the kitchen, but before he does, he looks back to the still-processing Beau and says, “Your friends, your family is concerned about your well-being. They still need you. I suggest not keeping them waiting.” He then turns and makes his leave.

Moments after, Beau is still sitting there at the table, still holding onto the sour-tasting wine bottle, left to ponder what the fuck just happened.  _ “ _ _ Sometimes it's better to speak with your heart than with your mind _ _ ” _ ?

_ How am I supposed to do that… if I can’t speak at all? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going downhill quite fast, with no sign of getting better...


	7. Sinking Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You say we are one/You say we are having fun/You say we are all in the same boat/You say that this thing will float  
> You say you had your doubts/Sometimes you wanted to get out/Instead you said give this a little more time/And everything is gonna be fine  
> And if your people are the best/Tell me why are you wearing a vest/This investigation into disinformation keeps putting everyone to the test  
> So now we are getting drunk/What was sinking now is sunk/And everything we were just trying to save is now vanishing under the wave/We are on a sinking ship  
> We are on a sinking, sinking, sinking, sinking, sinking ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was only a matter of time, before her resolve whittled down to this...
> 
> Incoming unhealthy coping mechanisms and feels, because this chapter and the next are about to get SUPER HEAVY.
> 
> Also, total headcanon: Beau got her eye scar from the time Lorenzo got the drop on her in the Sour Nest, when he broke his invisibility and attacked from above.

Umpteenth attempt. Umpteenth failure. The curse is still holding on and Beauregard is still unable to speak.

How is she supposed to keep hoping she will ever get her voice back when two of the most powerful mages she knows can’t find any solution?

Her friends might not know how many times they tried at this point, but Beauregard knows very well. She has kept count. Nine. Their attempt earlier that afternoon was the ninth one. Fuck that damn number.

When they go back to the Xhorhaus, her friends awkwardly try to loosen the tension, but it only makes things worse. Fjord suggests they all go into the hot tub to relax and she lashes out at him. He doesn’t retaliate. Instead, he wraps her in a hug and holds her tight until she starts crying. And even the crying is wrong, _has_ been wrong this whole time, the sobs muted. She ends up curled up on the floor, Fjord still holding her, “I got you, Beau. I got you.”

The rest of their friends join in and bring the both of them in a hug, knowing very well that it won’t make Beau feel better. There is only one thing that could cure her pain, and that thing, they can’t give her.

Yasha is heartbroken. She doesn’t know how much more Beau can take before actually losing her mind and she is more and more worried about her.

A long time has passed when Beau runs out of tears to cry. She can’t remember the last time she felt so miserable. The Mighty Nein brought her so much happiness lately, even through hardship. Maybe suffering was on vacation, just to come back stronger than ever.

Caduceus slowly stands up. “I think we need rest. All of us.”

They all nod in agreement.

Fjord looks down at Beau. “Can you stand?”

She nods, but he can see she is still feeble and he doesn’t let go of her arm when she rises. They help support Beau as they walk her to the room that she shares with Jester and as Fjord reaches for the handle, Beau weakly puts a hand on his wrist.

“Beau?”

She pauses for a moment, and then slowly signs. **It’s hopeless, isn’t it? I’m never going to speak again. Why did I even bother to plan on seeing TJ? I… I can’t do this. I can’t.**

Fjord is at a loss for words. Yasha, standing next to them, speaks up in his stead. “I’ll take her. Jester? Is that okay?”

Jester nods. “Yeah. I think she’d be safer in your care right now.”

Yasha nods back and then turns to Beau as she supports her. “Mind if I carry you?”

Beau looks at her, shakes her head, and wordlessly says, "I don’t mind."

Yasha then leans down to pick Beau up, her entire frame in her arms as the rest of the Nein retreat to their own respective chambers for the evening. She goes to her own room and clumsily opens the door with her elbow. Now that the tears and cries are gone, Beau is lethargic. Yasha puts her down on the bed. The monk quietly looks at the mural. Usually, she is always in awe while admiring Jester’s painting, but she is wearing an unaffected expression on her face at the moment.

“Beau?”

She slowly turns to Yasha.

“Do you need something?”

Beau apathetically shakes her head from left to right.

“You’re sure? Bath? Massage? Do you want something to eat or drink? Tell me.”

**The only thing I want right now is my voice, and I don’t think you can give me that.**

Yasha bites the inside of her cheeks. She is helpless, but she can’t accept it. She sits down next to Beau. “Is there something I can do?”

**There might be something. But I don’t think you will be onboard with it.**

“Tell me.”

Beau looks away. She doesn’t seem ashamed, just… resigned.

“Beau?” she turns to face Yasha, “What is it?”

Beau stares at her a bit longer, **Would you hurt me if I asked you to?**

Yasha recoils a bit without meaning to. “Beau, what the hell?”

**Not like that. I mean, would you fuck me and make it hurt? Just a bit. Just enough.**

A hundred things go through Yasha’s mind in a matter of seconds, and then her thoughts stop on one precise event. She tries to control her breath and stop her hands from shaking. She can barely look Beau in the eye. “I- I can’t. I get why... you would need it right now…” Her voice turns into a whisper, “But you can’t ask me to do that.”

**Please.**

“Beau…”

With no warning, she suddenly climbs onto Yasha and straddles her legs. **Please. Just a bit.** She is abrupt, almost brutal, when she grabs Yasha’s face with two hands and kisses her.

The aasimar is taken by surprise. She firmly grips Beau’s shoulders to make her stop, but she resists. Ultimately, she has no choice but to stand up from the bed and push Beau off of her. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Beau holds onto her collar and Yasha can read ‘Please’ on her lips. She then signs with erratic gestures, **I need it.**

“No, you don’t.”

She takes Yasha’s hands and puts it onto her throat, as if asking to be choked. Yasha immediately breaks free and steps back. “Stop!”

Beau is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her signs barely make sense at this point, **Why can’t you understand? You did it when you were hurting! You asked for more pain!**

“I do understand. But I can’t do it.”

**Why?**

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

**Even if I’m asking?** She steps forward until her body is against Yasha’s, **Even if I’m begging?** Her hands are trembling. **That’s how you coped. You came into that pit fight and you asked for pain. So why can't I do the same? This is what I'm asking you right now, just a little pain, just enough. You did it too.**

“I’m sure you knew how unhealthy it was when I did it. You didn’t say anything, but you knew. Don’t ask me to be your accomplice.”

Beau’s expression changes, and her strategy too. She frowns and she suddenly looks angry. **That’s not fair.** And with that, she pushes Yasha, but the barbarian barely moves. 

"Pain doesn't help people, remember?”

**Fuck that! Fuck Caduceus and his godsdamn considerate lectures!**

“You don’t think that.”

**I do. For the longest time, it _has_ helped me. But only because if I don't feel pain... then I feel numb. Not all pain is good, I know. And I know I was the one who was like “Pain making you resilient is a shitty excuse”. But how else am I supposed to be aware that I'm alive?** She still looks angry, but her eyes suddenly become shiny. **I’m asking _you_ because I trust you enough for that. I’m not saying I will need it on a regular basis from now on, but I need it tonight, right now.**

Yasha stares at her for the longest time. The silence is unbearable. Beau is about to lose her temper when Yasha takes her by the waist and pulls her closer. She grabs the back of her neck with one hand and claws it callously. At the same time, she brings their lips together. The kiss is overhasty and Beau is disappointed at first. But then, she feels Yasha’s teeth sink into her lower lip. She gasps as the barbarian bites her. She is merciless and soon, Beau can taste blood in her mouth. She feels her heart racing as the adrenaline rushes into her system.

When Yasha breaks the kiss, she is panting. Beau can tell she is emotional more than she is thrilled by what she just did. She wipes her lip and there is a bit of blood on her fingers. Yasha wasn’t joking.

“I can’t give you more than that, I’m sorry.” She is trying to regulate her breath. “Hurting you hurts me. I understand why you need it, but I can’t give you more for now.”

Beau seems to be back to her previously lethargic state. She looks into the distance and touches her mouth, gently at first, and then more roughly, until she bites her lip.

Yasha watches. It’s strange, but she’s starting to feel a bit apathetic too now. “Is it okay if I heal you?”

Beau looks at her, **Just a little longer.** She hesitantly comes closer and leans against Yasha, who wraps her arms around her.

They stay still for a long time and eventually, Yasha feels Beau’s shoulders slightly shake. She looks down at her and feels her heart sink into her chest when she sees she is crying. She knew it would happen, but it still hurts. She brings her closer and lays her head on top of hers.

Beau cries for a few minutes before she slowly calms down. She sniffs and pulls away. Yasha releases her. “Can I heal you now?”

**I think I want to leave it this way. It’ll heal on its own, and I just… want the feeling to stay at least for a while. Is it okay?**

Yasha isn’t enthralled, but she accepts nevertheless. “Let me at least clean it.”

Beau nods in approval. Yasha takes her hand and leads her to the bathroom. She makes her sit on the edge of the bathtub and takes a small towel on the shelf. “Tell me if it hurts.” Beau nods and Yasha gently dabs her lip. “Open your mouth.” Beau obeys and Yasha intently examines the wound. “Good, it’s not bleeding anymore.”

Yasha then looks into her eyes, and a question pops in her head. “I don’t think I ever asked. How did you get this?” She traces the scar across Beau’s left eye.

**Lorenzo. When we fought him in the Sour Nest. Fucker got a real good hit in, out of nowhere.** She pauses. **Think the glaive is still in the bag of holding, now that I think about it. Had to convince someone to let us keep it.**

Yasha remains silent. Her fingers hover over the scar. She looks pensive all of a sudden.

**You know... I was already angry and worried sick when we came into that place to free you guys. But when I saw your sword in that bitch's hands, I snapped.**

Yasha gives her the tiniest of smiles. She cups her face and strokes her cheek. She carefully touches her lip.

**It worked. It anchored me.**

Yasha doesn’t say anything. She is still tracing her lip from the tip of her fingers with an absent-minded expression. Beau’s eyes suddenly get sad and shiny again.

**I’m sorry I made you do this.**

The aasimar seems to be brought back to reality and she stares Beau in the eye.

**I know I shouldn’t have forced you, but I-** She can feel the tears gradually taking over and winning the fight. **I needed it. I’m sorry.**

She bursts into tears and covers her face with her two hands. Yasha immediately drops to her knees. “Shhh, it’s okay.” She brings Beau’s head down at her and gently pulls her hands away. “Everything’s fine.” She starts covering her face in kisses. Her forehead, her nose, her cheeks. She kisses her tears away. “I’m alright and you’re gonna be too.”

When she feels the shivers lessen, she backs off a bit. She wipes away the remaining tears and looks Beau in the eye. “It’s okay, calm down.”

**Can I stay with you anyway, please? I’d understand if you kicked me out after what I did, but I’d really like to stay here with you. I’m sorry for the way I behaved.**

“Beau, stop. Of course, you can stay. I’m not kicking you out.”

With no warning, Beau starts weeping again.

It takes a lot of comforting hugs, soothing words and lasting patience, but with all of that, eventually, Yasha succeeds in calming Beau down. When the tears stop for good, she takes her back to the bedroom.

**I’m not sure I can sleep.**

“Then I’ll hold you through the night.” She leans forward and kisses Beau on the forehead. Beau then taps her shoulder as Yasha looks at her one more time. "Yes?"

Beau weakly smiles, and says silently, "You can heal me now."

Yasha complies, but instead of using her hands, she places a long deep kiss into Beau's mouth. The inside feels so warm, so full of love, that Beau almost wants to cry again just out of relief. They then quickly change and both crawl into bed. Despite what she said, Beau falls asleep pretty easily. Her tears must have tired her. Yasha, however, goes through a sleepless night, with her thoughts as her only company.

Her loud and dark thoughts.

* * *

The next morning, Beau seems to feel slightly better. Yasha doesn’t want to drag her back into the state she was in the day before, so she decides to postpone the moment she will speak to her. The fact that she knows it won't be a walk in the park plays its part too. She is determined to convince her to go visit her brother no matter what, but this conversation can wait a bit longer.

The day passes by. Caleb and Veth are the only ones who go to Essek’s, while the rest of the party stays at the Xhorhaus. It’s always nighttime in Rosohna, but when the hour grows late and Caleb and Veth finally come home, they all gather in the dining room. They share a nice meal prepared by Caduceus and they are all happy when they see small signs here and there indicating that after all that's happened, Beau might eventually overcome all the difficulties she has faced lately and is still facing. They spend the rest of the evening in the hot tub and it feels like the good old days. They all laugh when Veth and Jester regale for Caduceus what happened at the bathhouse in Zadash, when they went there to relax and discovered Yasha was already there, waiting for them. The aasimar smiles at the memory and Beau scoots closer to her.

**Do you think we should stay after everyone else has left and see who lasts the longest, just like we did back then?**

Jester giggles, “What do you mean, Beau?”

The monk suddenly realizes how ambiguous it was. She wasn’t even aiming for it - for once - but she grins in satisfaction.

Veth screams, “Don’t you dare fuck in the hot tub! This is common property, you do not get to stain it!”

Jester grins, “Like Yeza and you never did.”

They start arguing and Caduceus gets involved against his better judgement.

Yasha watches in amusement. She puts an arm around Beau’s shoulders and brings her closer to kiss her temple. Beau smiles and intertwines her fingers with those laying on her shoulder.

The night comes to a close and they all go to their own room. Beau hesitantly asks if she can spend the night with Yasha again and her girlfriend gladly agrees. “You don’t need to ask.”

Beau has heard that a lot from her friends recently. Sometimes, she wonders if they are just polite and caring because of what she is going through, or if they are actually that devoted. She thinks the second choice would be nice but quite overwhelming. How could anybody love her that much? Even with Yasha, there are shreds of doubts that still remain.

They are both relaxed after spending some time in the hot tub, but there is no such thing as too relaxed, and Yasha knows it.

“Do you want me to massage you?”

**Let me give you one, for once.**

“If you’d like.”

Yasha lays down on her belly, covered only by a towel wrapped around her. She reaches and grabs a pillow to support her head. Beau climbs on her and sits down straddling her. They have done it a few times already and she knows if Yasha doesn’t like something or wants her to rub a specific place, she will tell her. She cracks her fingers and starts massaging her girlfriend’s shoulders.

Beau likes feeling Yasha's muscles roll underneath her fingers. It reminds her how strong and delicate she is at the same time. The contrast always amazes her.

She finds a very tense zone and Yasha slightly moans, "Can you press harder here, please?" She obliges and does her best to keep her composure. She feels stupid that this whine alone turned her on so easily. She applies pressure and Yasha hums under her breath, "It's been a while. It feels good."

After a few minutes, Beau is done with Yasha's shoulders. She goes lower and gently tugs on the hem of the towel before waiting. Yasha turns her head to glance at her over her shoulder. "You can take it off, if that's what you're asking." Beau pulls and Yasha raises her body a bit to help her. Once she is naked, Beau massages her back.

She wishes she could speak so badly at this moment. She would tell Yasha how beautiful she is, how her pale skin catches the moonlight coming through the window in a perfect way, how her various scars look like roads of endless possibilities. But she can't. So instead, she bends down and softly kisses her back. Yasha lets out a long and deep exhale, "Beau…" It's not a call. It's a plea.

Beau keeps going. She covers her back in kisses and caresses. She brushes her skin ever so slightly with the tips of her fingers. She knows very well how tough she is, but she touches her like any sudden move could break her. To her, Yasha is the most precious treasure in the world. She is a work of art that her dirty hands shouldn't be allowed to touch and her vile eyes to watch. Beau is a heathen and Yasha is a holy relic to worship.

After a moment, Yasha stirs. Beau moves to the side to leave her enough space to roll over. Yasha looks right into her eyes. "Will you let your hair down? For me. Please."

Her wish is her command. She takes the ribbon and unties it before shaking her head to let her hair fall freely. Yasha is in awe.

Beau is sitting above her with her back straight. Her olive skin looks darker than usual in the night, even more so with the white towel wrapped around her. The light emanating from the candles is flickering and the shadows on her face make her cheekbones look higher than they actually are. Her hair has grown so much since they first met. They are falling past her shoulders now.

Yasha grabs the hem of the towel. "Can I-" She stops mid-sentence and she looks at something on Beau's upper body. Beau raises her eyebrows. She tries to catch what Yasha was looking at, but the barbarian is faster. She lets go of the towel and suddenly sits up, almost toppling her in her haste, and she grabs her face with both hands to kiss her.

Beau is taken by surprise, but she responds and deepens the kiss. Yasha grips her hips and Beau starts slowly grinding against her thigh. After just a short moment, she feels dizzy. She has her arms around Yasha's neck and she scratches her back. She knows she will leave marks, but she also knows Yasha likes it.

The aasimar's lips drift down to Beau's jawline. She drops a few kisses there and keeps going until she reaches her neck. She bites her soft skin and her head falls back. It's indecent how easy it is for Yasha to drive Beau crazy.

The monk runs her fingers through her girlfriend's hair. Yasha knows she is going to have to untangle it later and it’s going to be painful, but she couldn't care less.

She gently grabs Beau's face and makes her look at her. She opens hazy eyes. Her pupils are so dilated that the blue of her irises is just a thin rim. This is obscene and Yasha likes it. Knowing she has such an effect on her is intoxicating. She is addicted.

Beau silently moves her lips and Yasha can read her own name on her mouth. Gods above, she loves that mouth. She gives her girlfriend a passionate kiss. Beau immediately responds and at the same time, she undoes her towel and drops it next to her on the bed.

They make out some more, then fuck, then cuddle, then make out again. It lasts for a long time, with short breaks when needed. When they have had enough, it’s late.

Beau is laying on her stomach. She has her arms crossed under her head and her eyes are closed. Yasha stares at her. She revels in the moment. It feels good to see Beau so peaceful in light of everything that had transpired in the past few weeks.

“Jester did some sketches of TJ and you after we went to Kamordah. Did she show you?”

Beau opens her eyes and nods.

“They’re lovely.”

Beau approves again and a slight smile rises on her face. Good. Yasha was afraid she might react poorly, but this is a good start.

“Wouldn’t you like for her to draw some more? She would need inspiration though... and references… you know.”

Beau looks amused. She comes closer to Yasha and cuddles her, one hand on her face, her thumb stroking her cheek. **You’re cute when you’re nervous. Even cuter than usual, I mean.**

Yasha blushes like a teenage girl at the compliment.

**I was wondering when you would talk about it.** Yasha suddenly looks worried, but she quickly eases her, **It's okay. I'm ready.**

"I guess you thought about it today?"

**How could I not?**

"You know what you're going to do?"

Beau sighs. She lets go of Yasha's face and rolls on her back. She puts her arm on her forehead and stares at the ceiling.

Yasha gently caresses her shoulder. "Hey. No pressure. I do think it would make you feel good to see TJ, and he'll be very happy too. But the decision is yours to make and yours only."

Beau rolls on her side again, so that Yasha can easily see the signs. **I’m not really worried about TJ, to be honest. I know we will find ways to communicate other than words. Besides, he’s very young, this is perfect for him to start learning sign language.** Yasha agrees with a nod. **My parents, however…** she sighs, **It’s not like I’m going because I want to see them. But…** She stops. It’s easy to see how agitated she is.

“But there are things you want to tell them. And you’re afraid you won’t be able to do it if you can’t speak.”

Beau swallows hard and her hand goes for her neck.

“Hey, no, no, no.” Yasha’s voice is soft. She offers her hand and Beau instantly takes it and squeezes tightly. “You’re safe. You’re here, with me, there’s nothing to worry about right now.” Beau nods vigorously. Yasha can see she is trying to believe her and to convince herself this is true. “Are you worried about your father or your mother? Or maybe both?”

Beau releases her hand long enough to sign, **Both, but mostly my father.**, and takes it back right away.

“Maybe you could write him a letter?”

Beau does a ‘no’ head motion.

“One of us could be your interpreter?”

**I want to say it myself. I never got to raise my voice to him, now I want to actually do it.**

Yasha thinks for a moment. “Do you think you can hold on to it a little longer, even if we go there before you get your voice back?”

**I’ll never get my voice back.**

“Don’t say that.”

**It’s true.** Beau isn’t as desperate as she was the day before, but she does look resigned.

“We will find something.” She takes both of Beau’s hands in hers and looks her in the eye. “Listen. What do you say we go to Kamordah and you spend some time with TJ? Just him, no one else. You don’t even have to speak to your parents if you don’t want to. We go to the estate, we tell them you want to see your brother, and then we will make sure you have private time with him. Just the two of you.”

Beau gently breaks free of Yasha’s grip. **My father will never agree to that.**

“Well, he won’t have much of a choice. I wasn’t planning on asking him permission.” A melancholic smile appears on Beau’s face. “TJ is not just his son, he is also your brother. You have the right to see him.” Yasha removes a hair strand from Beau’s face. “You can see TJ now and speak to your father another time, when you have your voice back. You don’t have to sacrifice your relationship with your brother because you don’t have one with your father.”

Beau takes a deep breath. She comes closer to Yasha and curls up against her chest. The aasimar wraps her muscular arms around her small frame. They remain in the same position for a long time, until Beau takes another breath and breaks from Yasha’s hug.

**Maybe warn them beforehand like my mother asked? It was super awkward last time, when we came unannounced.**

“Sure.”

**But I don’t want to tell them I’m silent.**

“Whatever you need, Beau.” and she offers a warm smile.

Beau instantly gets overwhelmed by all the things she can read on Yasha’s face. There is so much kindness, and care, and love. She gives her so much and never asks for anything in return. Sometimes, she can’t believe she is lucky enough to have her in her life, all to herself. How is that even possible?

Beau curls up against her and Yasha kisses the top of her head. “Wanna sleep now?” She feels Beau nod. “Okay. Good night, sweetheart.”

Beau’s heart skips a beat, if not two. This is the first time ever Yasha called her something like this. She is glad that she can’t see her face right now, because this is probably turning red very quickly. She comes even closer to Yasha, if possible, and gently kisses her cheek in place of an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. The other shoe just dropped. But at least she has Yasha to keep her safe and steady...


	8. Dancing With Your Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright/Baby, you're just harder to see than most  
> I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song/Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost  
> Never got the chance/To say your last goodbye/I gotta move on/But it hurts to try  
> How do I love, how do I love again?/How do I trust, how do I trust again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day the Nein depart for Kamordah once more is fast approaching, and Beau still has some lingering doubts and fears.
> 
> And some of those fears are quick to manifest into something that reminds her of the worst facets of herself...
> 
> But sometimes help comes from the most unlikely of sources...
> 
> ___
> 
> Brace yourself because this is going to be a SUPER HEAVY CHAPTER! And I do mean... SUPER HEAVY!
> 
> But at least I managed to finish this in time to celebrate November 21st! The one-year anniversary of Ashley Johnson's homecoming!

When Beauregard tells the rest of the Mighty Nein she has decided to go see her brother with or without her voice and she picks a day, she seems to be very insistent on the necessity of being in Kamordah in four days. They’re intrigued, but they don’t question that specificity and agree to leave the next day.

The night before the departure, they are still in the Xhorhaus. They talked about it and decided it would be wiser to stay far from any major city of the Empire, even in Caleb’s tower, to avoid unwanted attention from the Cerberus Assembly. They would teleport to Zadash in the morning and leave immediately.

Beau is in the room she shares with Jester. She is restless. Excitement and terror are clashing inside of her. She hates that mixed feeling. She knows very well that she will probably not sleep a lot, if at all.

Jester is taking a bath and she is reading on her bed when she hears a knock. She gets up and goes to open the door. A smile appears on her face as soon as she sees Yasha.

“Hey. I came to say good night.”

Beau moves to the side and gestures for her to come in. Yasha steps in and she closes the door. They sit on Beau’s bed next to each other.

“How do you feel?”

**Anxious.**

“Yeah, I thought you would be.” She puts a comforting hand on Beau’s leg. “You still have a few days to prepare though.”

Beau scoffs, **I will probably never be ready for that. I just wish I could…** She stops and thinks. She seems to be looking for signs, and she ends up mimicking.

Yasha frowns, “I- I’m not sure. Um… Oh, okay! Rip off the bandage?”

Beau vigorously nods, **I wish I could just skip the part where I’ll have to talk to my parents and just see TJ, that’s it.**

“We’ll make sure you speak as little as possible. Well, sign.”

Beau grins, **Caleb and I came up with something earlier today actually.**

Yasha raises her eyebrows in curiosity, “What is it?”

**I won’t communicate with them at all. I will just pretend I’m whispering into Caleb’s ear and he’s speaking for me. If anyone can memorize in advance what he’s supposed to say, it's him.**

“I’m not sure I understand. What’s the point?”

**To pull a joke on the old man.**

“Beau… You’re just trying to piss him off.”

**What if I am?**

“It will do no good.”

**But it will be fun. It was Caleb’s idea.**

“It doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”

**Veth said it was genius.**

Yasha stares at her with a concerned look, but she can’t hide the small grin creeping up on her face, “This is the least reassuring thing I’ve ever heard.”

Beau shares her smile, **Not the best argument, you’re right.**

They chuckle and Yasha shakes her head. But her amusement quickly leaves her.

“More seriously. Why don’t you want to tell them the truth?”

Beau looks preoccupied again. She fidgets and nervously readjusts her sitting. **My father has always been over-protective. He’s always acted like I was a fragile little thing that needed to be preserved from the rest of the world. I don’t want to give him anything to prove he was right all along.**

Yasha tilts her head to the side, “Why would the fact that you went through it all and overcame it prove that you need protection?”

Beau seems surprised. She stares at Yasha for a moment and then raises her eyebrows. **When you put it like that...**

“Look. If you really don’t want to tell them what happened to you, you can just lie. Tell them you caught a cold.”

Beau doesn’t look convinced, **It’s less fun than Caleb’s idea.** She looks away.

“Hey,” she squeezes Beau’s leg to make her look at her, “I told you what I think about it, but I won’t try to talk you out of it. I think you’re well aware that it might raise tension, but your father, your choice. At this point, now that we’ve met him in person and after what you recently told us about him, I think we’re all pretty fed up with him. None of us will stop you from doing it.”

Beau slowly nods. She looks pensive. **I’ll think about it. But…** She pauses and sighs. She’s a bit agitated suddenly. **I think you’re right. I should tell them the truth.**

“Do what you need to do to feel good, Beau. You don’t owe them anything.”

**I know. I wouldn’t tell them everything. Just what they need to know.** She looks Yasha in the eye. **Do you think you guys could stay with them while I spend some time with TJ?**

“I told you we would.”

**But don’t say anything. If I talk to my parents, I want to do it myself, but I’d like to spend a moment with my brother first. I want to be able to enjoy it, and…** She hesitates. **I think he could help me build up the courage to talk to them.**

“Whatever you need.”

**Thanks.**

Beau scoots closer and Yasha opens her arms right away and wraps her into a tight hug. Beau curls up against her. She puts her face into her neck and slightly lifts her chin so that she is looking up at her. Yasha immediately recognizes her attitude. She’s done it before. She acts like a dog showing submission and asking for forgiveness.

“Are you feeling bad about something?”

She feels Beau nod.

“What’s wrong?”

Beau doesn’t respond right away. She stays a little longer into Yasha’s embrace and the aasimar gently strokes her back up and down, patiently waiting.

After a while, Beau sits up and faces Yasha. **I don’t want to be a burden.**

“What are you talking about?”

**I was an asshole before, but now I’m a silent asshole. Somehow, you’re forced to go through all of it with me, and now you have to put up with my childhood trauma. You shouldn’t have to deal with it.**

“You speak as if being with you was outside my control. It’s not. I chose it. I chose you.”

**But you deserve to live a happy life after everything you’ve been through with your wife. You deserve to have a good relationship, one that clicks and is effortless.**

Beau has been avoiding eye contact while she was speaking, but she stares at Yasha when she sees how confused she looks.

“Beau, I… You… What are you… I don’t...”

She is so puzzled that she stutters even more heavily than usual and can’t form a coherent sentence. She stops and tries to come to her senses.

"Don't you get it?”

Beau stays still. She starts feeling confused too.

“This, this _is_ the kind of relationship that clicks. I would happily go through all the hardship in the world if it means being with you.”

Beau silently gasps. There is so much sincerity in Yasha’s voice and words.

“It's too late to go back. You got under my skin just like Zuala did. You two will always be part of me, no matter what. I want to make it right this time. As long as you want me by your side, I will be there. I won't run away."

Beau is stunned. Who would have thought a monk would be?

Her reaction - or rather lack of it - brings an amused smile to Yasha’s face. “You’re cute when you’re baffled. Even cuter than usual, I mean.”

Yasha realizes Beau looks just as shocked as she was when she confessed her feelings and told her she loved her for the first time. It feels like it was yesterday, and at the same time an eternity ago. So many things have happened since that day.

She brings a strand of hair behind Beau’s ear. “We should both go to bed. We have to be up early tomorrow.” She stands up from the bed and bends down to put a gentle kiss on Beau’s forehead.

She starts walking toward the door, but Beau suddenly grabs her hand. She turns around and looks at her with an unspoken interrogation in her eyes. Beau stares at her and after a moment, she squeezes her hand and forms silent words with her lips.

‘I love you.’

Yasha feels her heart melt. She smiles, and this is one of the brightest smiles Beau has ever seen on her face. She brings Beau’s hand to her mouth and softly kisses her fingers. The gesture is incredibly tender.

“I love you too.”

She looks at her a bit longer.

“Good night.”

Beau replies, still only forming words with her lips without signing. She lessens her grip and Yasha’s hand slips out of hers.

Yasha smiles at her one last time and leaves the room. Beau stays on the bed, unmoving, until Jester gets out of the bathroom. She is suddenly brought back to reality and startles. Jester throws her a strange look.

“Are you okay?”

Beau clears her throat, although it’s useless. **Yes, I’m fine. Just tired.**

“We should sleep. We’re leaving early tomorrow.”

Beau nods in approval.

They both get to bed. Jester pulls the covers over her and turns to face Beau. “If you can’t sleep, or if you’re having bad dreams, just wake me up. Okay?”

**Thank you.**

Jester offers a warm smile and then blows the candle.

* * *

_She is dreaming, she can tell she is. But it doesn’t mean this memory is not harrowing._

_This is her fifteenth birthday. It should be a happy day, but when your father is Thoreau Lionett, it’s not._

_She spends the afternoon with her mother, just the two of them. They have a good time together: dismiss the staff, prepare a cake, and go downtown. They visit the only bookstore of Kamordah. It’s small, but they have quite good books for a place so far north of the Empire. Clara buys her books on various subjects, namely one relating the history of the Truscan Vale._

_When they go back to the estate, they’re both smiling and giggling. Beauregard thinks she’s probably never been so happy. She doesn’t get to spend time with her mother often, but she loves it. They come inside and chat as they go to the salon, but as soon as they enter the room, they fall silent._

_Thoreau is back from the winery._

_He is sitting in one of the armchairs, going through paperwork. He barely looks at them before going back to his task. He keeps his focus on the papers in his hands as he speaks, “Where were you?”_

_Clara’s voice is slightly shivering when she answers, “At the bookstore.”_

_Her attitude has completely changed. Just a minute ago, she was open and lively. Now, she’s shrunk and she is quiet. Beauregard looks at her and sadness washes over her. She hates seeing her mother like this. Every time her father is around, she becomes someone else entirely. Just the ghost of herself._

_Thoreau deeply sighs. He puts the papers down on a side table standing next to the armchair and stands up. He faces them and Beau immediately wants to hide behind her mother. But she doesn’t. She used to do it when she was a child, but it’s been a few years now since she stopped. She had no choice, as the roles slowly reversed over time and her mother started hiding behind her instead of the other way around. Beau doesn’t know how she feels about it. She should resent her mother for putting her own child on the frontline, but she can’t blame her. She has been enduring this for so many years. Why did she never leave though? Beau often wonders._

_“I work hard every day to give the two of you a good life, and what do I get in return? I come back to an empty home. No wife, no daughter. And where are the employees?”_

_“I- I dismissed them.”_

_“Why would you do that?”_

_“I- I thought-” Beau looks down and sees that even with her hands tightly clenched in front of her, her mother is still trembling. “I thought it would be nice to have the day for us. Just our family. Beauregard, you, me, and no one else.”_

_“And who will prepare dinner? You?” He scoffs, “Beauregard? She can barely keep up with her studies.”_

_Beau clenches her jaw. The same three words go on repeat in her head._

**_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._ **

_She wishes she had the courage to say them to his face._

_“I saw your preceptor today. It seems you’re not doing very good in mathematics.”_

_“I’m trying.”_

_“Trying is not enough. What did you buy anyway?”_

_He walks over and extends his hand to grab her satchel, but she pulls it out of his reach._

_“Give it to me, Beauregard.”_

_She looks at her mother, but Clara offers no support._

“ _Now._ ”

_She opens her satchel and gives him the books._

_He quickly read the covers and scoffs,_ “History of the Truscan Vale, The Calamity and Its Repercussions on Modern Society, Religions and Deities of Exandria. _You’re going to be real smart when you’ve read these, huh?”_

**_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._ **

_“But you know what would actually be valuable in your future? Mathematics. So you better start working harder instead of reading these ridiculous books.”_

_“They’re not ridiculous.”_

_“No, you’re right. But they’re only good for leisure time, and you seem to put that before your studies. So maybe you should learn to prioritize. It’s clear you are a slow learner and you need more time than others to understand basic concepts, so the solution is very simple: you should stop reading these frivolous books and put more time into your studying.”_

_Clara interferes hesitantly, “Her perceptor says she’s quite bright in human sciences.”_

_“But this is useless when you run a business.” His tone is harsh and Clara goes back to silence._

_He turns to Beauregard, “How will you keep accounts when you work at the winery if you can’t solve a simple equation?”_

_“You never asked me if I wanted to follow in your footsteps.”_

_“Does it mean you don’t?”_

_“It just means you never bothered to talk about it with me and give me the opportunity to choose.”_

_“Oh, so you want to choose? But you don’t always get to choose in life, Beauregard. I didn’t get this luxury.”_

_“So because you didn’t get the chance, I don’t either?”_

_“This is not what I’m saying.” He sighs. “You know perfectly well that where I came from things weren’t easy. I had to start working at a young age and then, I put everything I had into this winery. I worked day and night to build the Lionett name and to give your mother and you a decent life. Hell, I even made a pact with a witch! I did all the work, and you would refuse that?”_

_“I never said I didn’t want to take over the winery, I just- just pointed out that-”_

_“You’re so capricious. Others would kill to have what was handed to you on a silver plate.”_

_“I will take over, Dad. But you never listen to me! I try to talk to you, and you-”_

_She tries to keep going, but he speaks over her and gradually raises his voice to cover hers._

_“We can only blame ourselves. Your mother and I spoiled you. I’ll keep these, by the way,” and he waves the books in his hand._

_“Dad, please!”_

_Clara speaks with a feeble voice, “Thoreau, it’s her birthday gift.”_

_“She will get it when she has earned it.” He turns back to Beau. “You’re turning fifteen today, you’re not a child anymore. It’s time for you to grow up, Beauregard.”_

_“I’ll work harder, I swear! Just give me my books, please. I will manage my time and I’ll study more, I’ll get-”_

_“Go to your room.”_

_“But-” her voice suddenly cracks, “Dad, it’s my birthday. Mom and I baked a-”_

_“You’re such a disappointment, Beauregard.” He sighs and rubs his eyes as he shakes his head._

_A feeling of deep hurt adds to Beau’s anger, and they collapse onto her like pounds of rocks. She stares at her father, then at her mother. Clara gives her a saddened look, but she doesn’t say anything._

_She slowly walks to the stairs and right before going up, she looks back. Her father is talking to her mother in a low voice, probably chastising her like he often does. Clara is looking down at her feet, still silent. Beauregard can’t watch this any longer. She turns around and goes upstairs._

_As soon as she is inside her room, she closes the door, puts her forehead against it and closes her eyes. She takes deep breaths and then exhales as regularly as possible, but she feels tears forming into her eyes. She grits her teeth and tries to fight them, but they start rolling down her cheeks. She is about to hit the door in frustration, but she suddenly feels a breath of wind and hears a voice._

_“Hello, Beauregard.”_

**_What the hell?_ **

_She opens her eyes and swiftly turns around. She gasps when she discovers the landscape._

_She’s not in her room anymore. Wherever her gaze falls, she sees flowers. The warm breeze makes her long hair float. She looks over her shoulder and the door is gone._

_When she looks back, a woman is standing in front of her, just a few feet away. Where did she come from?_

_Beau realizes her tears have disappeared and she’s not her teenage self anymore. She is back to her current state, her adult body, covered in the scars she had collected over the last year or so. Her undercut allows her to feel the wind as her hair is up in her usual ponytail._

_The woman is tall and has the stature of a fighter. Her hair is curly and the sun brings out red hints. The design of her clothes is similar to what Yasha usually wears. She has a compassionate expression and warm brown eyes. A small smile lights up her face._

_“I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”_

_“Who- Who are you?”_

_The woman smiles a bit wider._

_The image blurs and Beau panics, “No!”_

_She is powerless as the scenery suddenly shifts._

_She’s no longer in the flower field. This place is much darker. Much colder. She recognizes it in a split second and her heart races._

_She wants to grip the bars of her cell, but she can’t control her own body. Another memory she has to relive without being able to do anything. If at least she was able to change her own fate. But it’s too late for it._

_She remembers it clearly. The scathing remarks, the brutal retorts, the relentless gaslighting, all threatening to break her will. And yet she had remained silent. Could she have spared herself had she spilled? But no, that would’ve been a betrayal to the Soul, to the very thing she once rejected even though at first it seemed far better. And it_ was _better once Dairon convinced her over a year ago in Trostenwald._

_She knew what came next. One of the mages making familiar somatic movements, muttering arcane chants, and she knew that she’d soon lose any ability to utter the slightest sound. The cell door opened as another mage casts Hold Person on her, the paralysis taking hold, rendering her helpless and unable to dodge. And as the mage reached for her, and made contact with her chest, over her lungs…_

_“You're not easy to reach, are you?”_

_A sudden voice, a woman’s voice, sounds out. And then a sharp sensation soon turns her vision white, followed by unbearable, brutal pain, her body suddenly on the ground now. Her mouth suddenly filled with blood, lungs straining for air. And as her vision clears and she looks down, she’s literally left speechless as the air in her body was forcibly ejected._

_A sword embedded in her chest. A very familiar sword. A sword that she found herself on the receiving end of months ago. And as she looks up, the rain from the outside of a familiar cathedral’s shattered stained glass window stinging her already heavy eyes, she’s expecting to see… her. The woman wielding the sword._

_But that’s not whom she sees. It’s the face of the woman from before. And unlike in her memory, she hears a voice. The same voice as before._

_“Do you truly believe you're beyond hope?”_

_Beau tries to say something in response. But the blood in her mouth is too much, to the point of choking on it._

**_Who… Who is this woman? And why does she feel… familiar?_ **

**_Could it… Could it really be...?_ **

_The woman pulls the sword out of her chest as blood spurts out from the wound, the sudden pain drowning out Beau’s consciousness, and the next thing she knows, she’s finding herself in another familiar place. Another familiar situation._

_And then… another voice. A familiar voice. A voice she’d never wanted to hear again._

_“It's not about specifically ‘taking’. What I want is to be given something that you know you would not want to lose.” The sudden memory shakes Beau’s already weakened will and blanks out a bit before the voice continues, “But the scales have to weigh evenly.”_

_It’s this place. This place where she almost foolishly threw it all away, thinking she was doomed to lose it soon._

_“I'll walk away from all of it, everything that I've worked really hard to get, this family, my old family, my new brother, my position.”_

_It’s her own voice now. Speaking though Beau didn’t will herself as is she now into saying them. And yet, she’s forced to hear her past self say these things._

_“I've achieved more than I thought I ever would, richer than I ever thought I would, more skilled than I ever thought I would. I don't know what's left, past this, anyway.”_

_And with a pained sense of finality, she finishes her offer. “Maybe I've peaked, you know.”_

_Her eyes refocus and look forward. And she sees her. That godsdamned hag._

**_Isharnai._ **

_“Chosen exile. From this?_ That _is new misery.” She puts her gnarled, horrific hand outward in Beau’s direction, open and inviting. “Do you accept this transaction?”_

_She knows how this ends. She leaves the hut, hesitant to accept the deal. She couldn’t end her father’s deal, but only made a fresh deal to save Nott-- no, Veth. And yet…_

_She looks at her own hand, clenches her fist for a moment, and sees herself reaching for the hag’s._

**_Wait. No! NO! I don’t want this! I don’t want to lose them!_ **

_But the her in this instance is not listening to her own thoughts. Her hand continues to reach for Isharnai’s, intent on sealing a fatal deal._

_But then…_

_"Do you truly think you'll never be worthy of love?"_

_A hand grabs her wrist. A strong warm hand. Beau is completely stunned. She turns in the direction of the owner of the hand, but all she sees is darkness. She’s alone, in darkness. Still a dream… or is it?_

_She tries to call out, but she can’t speak. Back to her current state, apparently._

_She looks around and takes a few steps forward. She can feel the ground beneath her feet and she still has a sense of up and down, left and right, but it’s so dark that she feels like she’s in the middle of… nothing._

_She turns around and gets startled as she comes face to face with someone. But not just any “someone”._

_She comes face to face with herself._

**_The fuck?_ **

_The scar on her face is much uglier than it should be and her eye is covered with a patch, which leads her to believe this is not actually her._

_“I’m not your reflection, dumbass.”_

_Beau tries to retaliate, but she can’t. Whether because this “other Beau” is speaking in a voice that she herself hadn’t used in so long, or because she’s somehow able to hear her thoughts, either way she is left literally speechless._

_“Frustrating, isn’t it? If only you had actually left these idiots.”_

_Beau frowns, and she tries to prove her theory._

**_What idiots?_ **

_The other Beau responds, proving Beau’s assertion; she can read her thoughts and reply accordingly, “You know who I’m talking about. Those presumptuous monks from the Cobalt Soul. Too bad you let Dairon convince you to stick around and to put your neck on the line. You would still have your voice.”_

_Beau wonders if this was exactly how Yasha felt whenever someone else talked in her head, a question she posed to the aasimar herself back in Balenpost._

_Beau grits her teeth and clenches her fists._

_This version of herself is strange. She recognizes her voice, her tone. She has that cocky attitude to her, but it’s exacerbated. The undercut is still here, but there are patterns shaved in it and her hair is slightly shorter than it is right now, approximately the length she had when she fled from the Cobalt Soul. She’s wearing what looks to be pirate clothes, but not the ones she usually wears when she’s at sea with the Nein._

_Her duplicate confidently crosses her hands in her back and starts circling her. When she walks next to her, Beau catches a glimpse of her tattoo. Same lines of jade filigree, but different design. The all-seeing eye is not there and there is absolutely nothing to recall Molly, just a bunch of random patterns._

_“Ha! It looks good, doesn’t it? You like it?”_

_Beau intentionally remains silent. Her duplicate, or “Anti-Beau” as she is quick to refer to her, stops in front of Beau._

_“Well... I’m glad I didn’t end up like you. I prefer us with our sharp tongue.”_

**_I see you’re missing an eye. And permanently, at that. Well, I suppose I was doomed to lose something in any case._ **

_Anti-Beau looks offended. “At least, I can still see. I can’t say the same about you and your missing voice.”_

_There’s a short silence, and then Beau thinks,_ **_How did you end up like this?_ **

_“I could ask you the same question.”_

_Beau doesn’t answer. Her duplicate stares at her. She seems to be examining her._

_"You wish you could talk, don't you?”_

_Beau still doesn’t say anything. It’s just a dream and this is just another version of herself, had she chosen another path. She is not about to argue with herself._

_“But what use would it be, huh? Remember what you said when you were still able to speak?” She steps closer to Beau. “Nothing.”_

_Beau grits her teeth but remains silent, trying to not let any wayward thoughts manifest into a reply._

_“You never said anything, never confessed your feelings for her, never talked about the letter. Why? Were you afraid? Are you_ still _afraid?”_

_Anti-Beau looks her right in the eye and she grins._

_“Yes, you are. I can see it in your eyes. Because deep down, you know she wouldn't have returned these feelings."_

**_She said she loves me._ **

_"And you actually believe her? It's cute how naive you've become. You're just a consolation prize for her. She will never love you like she loves her wife. You can't compete with her. Just be honest with yourself. You know no one will ever love you. You should give up, it would save you a lot of time and heartbreak. Didn't it feel good when you and I were_ the _one and only, no one to weigh us down, that mask of bitchiness so comfortable, a perfect shield to hide away from the world with? It was so easy, back then. It’s still so easy, for me. I show the worst parts of me, people think I’m despicable, they don’t get attached, I don’t get attached, and I don’t end up miserable and in pain. And the mask remains snug and comfortable. Don’t you miss it? The carelessness was amazing. Look at you now. You're pathetic. Seeking love from those who’d rather give it to others than waste their time with a liability like you."_

 _Beau wants to tell her to shut up, but she can’t. She tries to will herself to retort, but her double completely ignores her and keeps going. Is she actually being disregarded by_ herself _now?_

 _“Remember what Caleb told us? The problem with friends is that you care about them. He was godsdamn right. You have so much pride in yourself… or so you project. Much like a lioness, forever protective of your ‘family’. But let’s not mince words, ‘Lionett’: you are in no way, shape, or form… a ‘lion’. Compared to me, the potential future you squandered… you’re just a mewling cub._ _Always have been, always will be. A cub with no pride, in many ways. A fucking lie."_

_Anti-Beau leans closer, her face just inches away from Beau’s._

_“You’re no protector, Beauregard. And the circus man knew it damn well. He paid the price for your weakness, while you stood there like a coward. And then you had the nerve to take his place, so to speak. Getting a tattoo in his honor, claiming you’d leave every place better than what you found it… You’re just living a lie, taking up someone else’s mantle because you have none to call your own. Even becoming an Expositor was something you clung to, because it gave you purpose. But… look where that got you.”_

_Beau loses her nerve and punches, but her duplicate easily dodges out of the way._

_“I’m too strong for you to ignore, and you know it. I could kill you right here, in your sleep, take over your heart and no one would be the wiser. We both know we’re a damn good liar. Because that’s who we are: a fucking lie. A lie to others and to ourselves. All that ‘progress’ you had made in trying to rebuild yourself? A lie. The ‘love’ you feel for that woman? A lie.”_

_Beau tries to throw a second punch, but Anti-Beau’s grip is faster, tighter… unrestrained. And by ‘unrestrained’... she can sense it. Unlike herself, it’s clear as day: Anti-Beau’s own “ki” (if it can even be called that) reeks of killer instinct._

_“Your own strength of heart, your strength of will? All a lie. You’re just an empty shell… one in which I’ll gladly inhabit.”_

_At this point, Anti-Beau lands a brutal blow to Beau… right in the chest. She feels the air leave her lungs and the pain is searing all along her scar. For a moment, she thinks it’s just phantom pain, but then she feels something dripping down her chest. She looks down and her entire torso is covered in blood._ Her blood. _She falls to her knees. What the hell? Did she use her ki to do that? If she turned her back on the Cobalt Soul, she shouldn’t be able to do that. Is this even a dream anymore?_

_“It’ll feel so good to finally get revenge over that bitch for dissecting us. She almost killed us, and you thanked her with forgiveness and sappy ‘I love you’s’. Where is the fierce fighter? Where is the woman who took no shit from anybody? I knew a Beauregard who would have beaten up anyone just for looking at her the wrong way. Where is she?”_

_Beau is doubled over, struggling to breathe. It’s as if her entire chest is split open… just like back in the Chantry of the Dawn. Only, she’s fully conscious. Anti-Beau continues to gloat as she kicks Beau in the ribs, flipping her onto her back._

_“Those stupid fools. All that arcane mastery… and they had to resort to something they don’t comprehend… just to silence an inconvenient thorn in their side. A pity they can’t repeat it. For I am unique.”_

**_What?_ **

_“You, on the other hand...” Anti-Beau straddles Beau’s body with an almost… euphoric expression, bordering on murderous ecstasy, as from her palm she conjures… a dagger. A very… deadly-looking dagger, and it’s pointed right at Beau’s eye. The same eye that is under her doppelganger’s patch. “You’re a spare.”_

_She leans downward and whispers in her ear, “Where’s your wasteland bitch when you need her? Oh, that’s right. She’s not here. It’s just you… and me. Well, just me.”_

_She leans back and twirls the dagger in her hand. “I would ask if you had any last words, but why bother? No one will mourn ‘you’ because I will be ‘you’, not even that bitch. She’s still mourning hers. But no matter.”_

_Anti-Beau sneers at Beau, and Beau suddenly realizes that the ‘game’ is over as her double_ _leans down again… and kisses Beau right on the lips. Immediately revulsed, Beau manages to kick her double off of her… or whatever the fuck she is. And then… it hits her._

**“That’s who we are: a fucking lie.”**

_Of course, this… “thing” isn’t her. It’s a mockery of her._ **_A fucking lie._ **

_But Beauregard Lionett herself?_ **_Not me. I’m not a fucking lie. SHE IS. And I am fucking_ ** **done** **_with people telling me what I am and what I feel._ **

_Undeterred from the renewed spark in Beau’s psyche, the doppelganger brings the dagger down and hits her right in the chest. Beau tries to deflect the strike, but she can just make it slightly less damaging. She lets out a silent cry._

_“I’ve waited thousands of years for someone stupid enough to use that damn curse, I’m not letting a worthless petty human like you rob me from my freedom.”_

**_Get used to disappointment with me,_ ** _Beau sneers in her mind_.

_She grabs the dagger with her two hands and starts pushing back, ignoring the blood flowing from her palms as she grips the blade. The double’s face is so tense that it looks distorted, until Beau realizes it’s actually changing. Her features are shifting, becoming something else, something shapeless. And as the thing is transforming, her strength is increasing and the entity is trying to push the dagger deeper into her chest. Beau knows she won’t be able to resist much longer._

**_No. I won’t fucking die here! Not after all I’ve been through! There’s still so much more to live for and experience. I still never got to say “I love you” to Yasha with my own voice._ **

_She has no idea where she finds enough strength to do it, but she pulls the dagger out of her chest._

_The entity has no facial expression at this point, but they sound furious, “Stop resisting, it’s useless!”_

_They try to pull the dagger out of Beau’s grip to go for another strike, but Beau is faster this time. She takes the weapon out of their grasp and turns it against them. The creature manages to deflect her blow, but she still stabs them in the shoulder. The entity lets out a horrible hiss, and it gets louder when Beau twists the blade._

_“You’re going to regret that!” Their voice is nothing like Beau's now._

_The double grabs Beau’s throat and throws her aside. She pulls the dagger out with a muffled groan and stares at Beau._

_“Your bitch will pay for it too, do you hear me? I will kill you, then I will make sure to break her heart before killing her too!”_

_As they speak their last word, a thunderclap resonates. The creature freezes and Beau looks up, but the scenery is still as dark and everything is pitch black._

_There’s a brief silence, and then the creature gets tackled down by a massive silhouette. Beau immediately recognizes her: the woman from the flower field._

_She pins the creature to the ground, “Call her bitch one more time…” and punches them right in the face. As she hits, small sparks of lightning run along her arms and thunder crashes again. No light, only deafening sound._

_The entity goes into a mad cackle. They turn their head in the direction where Beau is laying on the floor, bleeding and panting._

_"Look at you! You're so weak you can't even defend yourself, you need your bitch’s dead wife to come rescue you. What have you become?"_

**_What… did it just say?_ **

_“Shut up!” The woman punches the creature again, harder this time._

_The dagger slipped out of the entity’s hands when they were tackled. The woman takes it and makes the most of the creature’s dizziness after her last blow. She strikes and they squeal as the dagger pierces their throat._

_The woman doesn’t lose time. She gets back on her feet and walks over to Beau._

_“You have to get out of here. Now.”_

_Beau can’t explain why, but she has a feeling she might be able to speak. Maybe because she was when she saw that woman earlier._

_“Who are you?”_

_“You must leave before that thing kills you.”_

_“You- You didn’t kill it with that strike?”_

_“No. Only you can.”_

_“How am I supposed to do that?”_

_“The answer is already inside of you. But you can’t do it here. Your subconscious is the realm of this creature, it’s far too powerful here. You have to be in the waking world to succeed.”_

_“How do I get out of here? Is this even a dream?”_

_“I will try and tame this thing until you wake up.”_

_“But how do I wake up?”_

_“It shouldn’t be long now. The pain will probably kick in soon.”_

_“The pain?”_

_“The passage of time is much different here.”_

_“How much time have I been here then?”_

_“It doesn’t matter. Listen to me, Beauregard.”_

_“How do you know my name? Who the hell are you?”_

_"You might not see it right now, but love doesn't make you weak. In time, you will realize it makes you stronger. Don't let your fear drag you back to ruin again. You've grown so much, Beau. Enough to forgive yourself… and my love. Do you truly think that she's still in mourning? Only you know the answer. The answer that will save my beloved…_ our _beloved Orphan Maker."_

_Beau is left utterly confused, dazed, and mentally drained. And yet, upon hearing the name “Orphan Maker”, it finally dawns on her. “Are… Are you...?”_

_With that, the woman sends a forceful palm into Beau’s torso, her past pain doubling as her consciousness fades. And as it does…_

_“Take care of Yasha._ Our _Yasha.”_

_“Wait! Who...” Beau tries to say, but her voice is already fading, already silencing._

_Already drowning in the dark as her mind and heart sink into the void._

* * *

Almost instantly, Beau wakes and is sitting upright, screaming in pain, but there’s no sound to be heard. Upon attempting to calm down, she realizes she’s back in the Xhorhaus in the room she shares with Jester, the sapphire tiefling still fast asleep in the bed on the opposite side of the room. After a quick round of meditation and monitoring of her breathing and heartbeat, she collapses back onto her bed and rolls to her side holding her chest.

_What the hell just happened? It can’t be real._

She only just notices that upon touching her chest, she hears a soft squelching. Nervous, she brings her trembling hand in front of her face and she’s forced to accept the reality: her palm is covered in blood. She looks down. Her nightgown and breast band are intact, but they and her entire torso are soaked in her own crimson liquid, as are the bedsheets.

_How the fuck is that even possible?_

There’s no time to question the physics of it. She needs a potion. Probably several, actually. But as she moves, she feels something in her other hand. She grabs it and when she looks, she sees the dagger that the creature that wore her face stabbed her with. She wonders again how it is possible. Did she stab herself? No, her clothes are untouched. But her eyes still linger on the blade that is somehow still stained with her own blood.

Not unlike how the Skingorger looked after it ran her through in the Chantry.

_No, gotta stay calm. Focus, Beauregard. Prioritize._

With as little noise as possible, she gets out of bed and starts rummaging through her stuff. She glances at Jester from time to time, but the tiefling is sound asleep. She finally gets her hands on a healing potion and quickly drinks it.

Her chest still hurts, but when she uncovers her torso, the wound is closed. Freshly scarred on top of the old tissue, but still closed. She sighs in relief.

Now, she has to take care of the mess she made. She starts by hiding the dagger in her satchel, and then she grabs all of her sullied sheets and clothes in a separate bag, and makes her way downstairs to where the house laundry is usually done, being extra careful not to leave a trail of blood in her wake.

Beau has to silently laugh in spite of herself; at the very least, if someone were to walk in on her even after she got the blood washed off, it was her turn to do laundry anyway.

After tending to the sheets and clothes, Beau makes her way to the hot tub and takes a dip. The warm water manages to soothe the aches and pains that she somehow accumulated in her own fucking dream. It still feels pretty shitty to do this in secret, the others completely unaware, but sometimes it was better to not have everyone concerned. And she was still alive, too.

But her thoughts then drift to the dream itself. It was literally like going back in time and reliving her worst memories and then some. The fight with that doppelganger was super fucking creepy, she won’t lie. But what did it mean by those words?

_“Those stupid fools. All that arcane mastery… and they had to resort to something they don’t comprehend… just to silence an inconvenient thorn in their side. A pity they can’t repeat it. For I am unique.”_

_“I’ve waited thousands of years for someone stupid enough to use that damn curse, I’m not letting a worthless petty human like you rob me from my freedom.”_

Even in her exhausted state, Beau is still trying to piece it together. And she comes to a tentative conclusion.

_What if this curse wasn’t conjured up by the Assembly in the first place? And… what if that thing that attacked me is tied to that curse?_

Beau frowns and sighs silently. Still too many unanswered questions, on top of the most pressing thing on her mind: the woman who kept appearing in her dream, that actually showed up to save her when she was in danger of dying. She wasn’t sure who she was up until the dream ended, and now in the waking world, Beau feels certain that she has at least one answer.

But what it all means, and whether or not it was intended to be some kind of "divine intervention" or a part of her subconscious trying to save her… That would have to wait until later.

For now, she exits the hot tub after enough time has passed, dries herself off, and returns to her room. She's grateful, at least, that the house has enchantments that allow for laundry to be dried quickly, as she remakes her bed in total silence and climbs back into bed, greeted with a fresh scent that neutralizes the former coppery scent a half-hour or so before as she goes back to sleep. And thankfully, the rest of her slumber is peaceful.

She has a family reunion to plan for on the morrow. She has to be there within three days. It is one day she can’t afford to miss. Not this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MAN! THIS one was, without a doubt, our favorite chapter to date. I hope it wasn't TOO intense for you guys.
> 
> Also, I reiterate: Thoreau Lionett is a fucking asshole. Fuck that guy.
> 
> But don't worry. He'll get his comeuppance. Maybe sooner than you think...
> 
> And the "creature" that she faced in her subconscious? You'll find out later exactly what it is.


	9. My Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beyond the oceansize, I'm unaware/Locked out the other side/Like I was never there  
> They said the boat had sailed/I'd left them bare/Oh how the wind would wail/Like I was never there  
> I lost my only space/To empty stares/Oh how the light would change/Like I was never there  
> Like I was never there  
> And I can’t forget it/All of the love/As we stood tall together/All of the love  
> And oh my friends/I am heavy/Can I beat within your heart?/Can I bleed within your love?  
> Oh my friends  
> And oh my friends/I am ready/Can I beat within your heart?/Can I bleed within your love?  
> Oh my friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Mighty Nein travel to Zadash to prepare for the open road, and Beau goes through more changes in her life. Worth it for the days ahead.
> 
> Another lengthy chapter, but it's also a bit of a breather after the extremely intense nightmare that has been the past two.

The very next morning, the Nein gather in the living room of the Xhorhaus, ready to head over to Zadash. Beau is quick to take a look at everyone’s faces; no one seems aware of what happened to her last night. That she even attended to everyone else’s laundry on top of her own only further strengthened her alibi were they to question her.

_Better they don’t know. Not yet, anyway. Besides… I need to have a word with Dairon._

First thing in the morning, Beau had Jester send a message to Dairon, saying that she had something important to discuss in private. The response from Dairon through Jester was succinct and to the point: “I had been meaning to contact you regardless. We need to have a word about what you should and should not do as an Expositor.”

Jester at the time looked worried, as did Beau. “Dairon says they were going to contact you regardless about what you should and shouldn’t do as an Expositor.” She paused, as if coming to a realization. “Oh no, you think this is about the time you and Reani went off on your own?”

**Oh, yeah. Probably that. Only a matter of time before I got my ass chewed out for it.** Deep down, she knew this was coming. She had the feeling that Dairon was going to give her one hell of a literal “dressing down”.

Having all gathered downstairs, Caleb looks at his friends, chalk in hand, “Everyone ready?”

They all nod, and he draws the last symbol. The circle lights up and they go through.

Right as she steps forward, Beau realizes too late that they forgot to warn the Archive. Again. The word is not spoken, but she instinctively forms it on her lips.

_FUCK!_

The situation is not as tense as it was when the Empire and the Dynasty were still at war, but the archivists jump, though only slightly, when the Mighty Nein appears in the Zadash Archive. Beau waves her hand to make sure they notice her. Sure, she’s still wearing her Expositor garb so that she would still be recognizable, but they had built quite a reputation over their many unexpected teleportations. But even now she is quite surprised at how blasé they’re acting.

Then again, she isn’t sure if she’ll be wearing their colors for much longer, if Dairon’s response is anything to go by.

**Sorry about that. Sorry. We’re really trying.**

The archivists frown or raise their eyebrows.

Caleb carefully steps forward, “She says we’re sorry. And we’re stupid.”

Veth grins and if she were still a goblin with way too many teeth, it would probably be terrifying, “We’re stupidly sorry.”

The archivists exchange awkward looks. They’re clearly confused. No doubt they’re meeting the Mighty Nein for the very first time.

Fjord rolls his eyes at Veth, “We’re really sorry for coming unannounced once more. We’re just passing through, we won’t bother you any longer.”

With that, they all head out. Right before leaving the room, Jester turns around and waves at them with a big smile. One of the archivists waves back.

As soon as they’re out of the room, Beau scans the surroundings: they’re all alone. She glances at Fjord. He summons the Star Razor and casts See Invisibility. He takes a quick look around, “Clear. I’ll let you know if I see anything or anyone.”

Beau nods and takes the lead. They are going through corridors at a fast pace. It's easy to see who knows about their strange party and who doesn't. Some people throw them sidelong glances and relax only when they see Beau's Cobalt Soul attire, while others respectfully bow their head.

They are almost out when they run into Zeenoth.

"Beauregard.”

Beau smiles to herself. She’s not thrilled to see him, but at least he didn’t forget she was supposed to have stepped down from her position.

“I didn't know you were visiting."

**We’re not.** Caleb translates for her as she is signing. **We’re just passing through.**

Beau sees out of the corner of her eye that Fjord is keeping watch. He doesn’t seem alerted, but she’d rather be overly careful.

**We’re going to visit my family in Kamordah.**

“I see.” He nods. “Dairon is here,” he pauses hesitantly, “if you want to return your Expositor attire. Said something about… consequences for your actions in Rexxentrum a while back.”

Beau freezes in place. It’s exactly as she assumed. _Fuck._

She nods in resignation. **Thank you. I will go find them right away. I suppose I deserve what’s coming to me.**

As Caleb finishes interpreting her signs, they suddenly hear a voice coming from behind.

“Is it bold to assume I’m the one you’re looking for?”

They all turn in unison. Beau slightly stiffens upon seeing Dairon.

**Hello, Expositor.**

“Beauregard.” Dairon bows their head at the rest of the party as a greeting. Their focus goes back to Beau and they take a look at her Expositor clothing. “I assume Jester conveyed my message.”

**We used the teleportation circle and we’re heading out. We will be out of your hair shortly once our dealings in town are done. But I guess you want to discuss some things before.**

Caleb starts translating, but Dairon raises their hand. “I’m okay, thank you.” The tone would be harsh, coming from anyone else, but Dairon is never really warm. “So… you’re probably wondering what I’m about to ask of you.”

Beau nods sheepishly. **Yeah, I kinda figured it was bound to happen. I guess I need to partake in some… self-reflection or something for the time being. I can’t do that with my Expositor attire on, so… Mind if I went somewhere so I can take it off and return it to you?**

Dairon easily notices Fjord’s hypervigilance. They look around the perimeter, careful not to miss any shifty attitude or shady look in their direction.

“In a moment. Let’s go somewhere private. My office, please.” They then whisper in Beau’s ear, “Bring that bag of holding with you. Don’t ask why.”

As Dairon turns to head in the direction of their office, Zeenoth clears his throat, “I have work to do. Send my greetings to your father, Beauregard.”

Beau scowls at him and doesn’t bother to answer as he leaves. _Fucking coward. I’m sure you must be thrilled that I’m going to see your “good friend” now that I’m without a job._

Caleb can feel how edgy she suddenly is and tries to ease the tension, “Should we wait for you here?”

**No, I don’t want to lose time. You can go to Pumat’s without me and we’ll reconvene here when you guys are done.** She pauses, and then signs to Fjord, **Loan me the bag of holding, in case we have a spare outfit.**

Fjord raises an eyebrow yet still gives Beau the bag. Beau then takes a notebook from her satchel, careful to not cut her hand on the dagger inside, and scribbles something on a page. She rips it and gives it to Jester. **My measurements. I trust you to find me some new clothes. Something nice for me since, well...** She gestures over her attire. **Can’t quite leave this place naked, you know? Even my shirt and pants are part and parcel of the uniform.**

Jester smirks at what is no doubt the mental imagery of a naked Beauregard before shaking her head. “Well, I was thinking... I might also want to visit _my_ father, if you’re gonna be with Dairon for a while.”

**Yeah, sure. But don’t be too long, please. I really want to be in Kamordah in three days.**

“Don’t worry! I’ll be in and out.”

Beau turns to Caduceus, **Do you think you could take care of it? Jester and you did a great job last time in Nicodranas.**

“Of course.” He takes the sheet of paper Jester is handing him.

She looks at Yasha, **If the others try to get involved, don’t let them pick anything stupid, please.**

Yasha grins, “I won’t.”

As they’re planning who will go to Pumat’s and who will accompany Jester, Dairon appears once more and clears their throat. "Sorry to interrupt. I know you wish to be on your way, but I would recommend you not leaving the Archive. You are safe within these walls, they won't be able to reach you here. However, we can't guarantee your safety outside."

Jester stares at them. She seems to be processing what they just said and after a brief moment, she smiles. "Okay, thanks for the advice. See you later, Beau!" and with that, she turns around and starts heading out.

Dairon frowns and Beau instantly knows they’re upset. At this exact moment, she’s glad to be silent, otherwise they would have heard her chuckle.

Veth speaks up, and this is clear she is only pretending to be hesitant, "No offense, but I know someone here,” she quickly glances at Yasha, “who had no issue breaking in with a bunch of fuckers, so I don't think they-who-must-not-be-named will stop at the door if they know we're here and want to get their hands on us."

Fjord coughs, "The Laughing Hand almost killed me. Twice. I'm not sure 'fuckers' is the right word."

"Yeah, but I mean... It's common knowledge that you're pretty weak, so."

They start arguing and Dairon turns to Beau and only signs, not to be heard by the group, **See? That's why I told you to be careful and not to get close to them when I first met them.**

Beau grimaces a little, feeling a little hurt by Dairon’s insinuation. **All due respect, Dairon, the alternative I'd rather not experience. Ever.**

Dairon tilts their head in confusion, and is about to respond before Beau cuts them off. **I’ll explain later, because I know what’s coming. But before I officially step down, can we at least talk about the progress of the investigation and the current situation with the Assembly first? Consider it… my final task as an Expositor.**

Dairon is unnaturally still, causing Beau to be more than a little confused and nervous. Certainly she is in trouble for still wearing the colors when she’s not supposed to be a monk right now. And yet, they’re calm and collected, as usual.

“My office. Please.”

Beau nods silently as behind her, the Nein leave the library. Soon after, she and her teacher -- well, her _former_ teacher at this point -- walk down the halls into the more elaborate areas of the archive until the two arrive at the Expositor’s office. Once inside, Dairon turns in Beau’s direction and sighs.

“We’re safe here.”

Beau eyes them, intrigued by this strange phrasing.

“The room is enchanted. No one can penetrate these walls.”

**Are you sure?**

“Yes, trust me.”

**Got no choice. What else am I supposed to do? It’s not like there’s much left for me.**

“Calm down, Beauregard. You have nothing to worry about. You’re not in trouble.”

**But I still have to hand you my attire, apparently.**

“You don’t.”

Beau stares at Dairon in confusion, **What the hell?**

“We have to sell it if we want the Assembly to take their eyes off of us.”

**Can you please explain what is going on?**

“Please sit down.” Dairon pulls over a chair for Beau to sit in. Beau hesitantly walks towards it and does as directed. Dairon themself walks to their desk and takes a seat as well. “I’m not actually taking your vestments, you can keep them. Preferably in the bag of holding. You see, if the Assembly is watching, and I’m pretty sure they are, they have to believe that this is for real.”

Beau remains still for a moment, until she suddenly stiffens, **Is this a fucking joke? Couldn’t you have just told Jester in your reply instead of making me think that I fucked up for the last time? That I’ve lost it all yet again?**

Although she can’t speak, her signs are enough to convey her anger and distress.

Dairon stares at her and doesn’t say anything. Beau hates it. She prefers when people retaliate, it makes it easier to be mad at them.

**Do you have any fucking idea how useless I’ve felt lately? I swear to gods, if I didn’t have them… If I didn’t have Yasha… I’d...**

She can’t help it. Before she is able to stop herself, Beau feels tears beginning to form. She furiously rubs her eyes before they get the chance to roll down.

**I know I failed you, failed the Soul, and I got captured and thus got myself and all of us into this whole damn mess. And you're probably disappointed that I couldn’t do more about it, but I didn't spill the beans, if that’s any consolation--**

All of a sudden, without even hearing them approach, Beau feels a pair of arms surround her.

"Like hell I'd do that. I know I've been... harsh on you, but I know you appreciate when others are direct. But even so, despite my misgivings, you've exceeded my expectations and even that of the High Curator."

Beau realizes her breath is shallow. She tries to calm down and chase the confusion and panic away. Dairon is not a hugger. If they’re giving her an embrace, her hopelessness must be blatant.

“I’m sorry. I had to put you through this if I wanted to make sure they buy it.” They release Beau and look her in the eye. “It would be foolish to get rid of one of our best Expositors, and more importantly, you don’t deserve to be expelled. You’ve done nothing but honor the Cobalt Soul and what we who follow the Knowing Mistress stand for.”

**Even if it’s true, how am I supposed to accomplish anything else now?**

Dairon smiles a little, another rarity for her superior. “Well… we can start with a debriefing of your activities and situation over the past few weeks.”

And so they do, discussing the events that transpired since Beau left the Rexxentrum Archive with the Mighty Nein, including the research she had taken part in, the failed attempts at dispelling the ritual, and even the more healing moments she had with her found family, and with Yasha.

As Beau finishes her "report”, she suddenly feels a lot more solemn. **There is one more thing to report, and I think it may prove to be important. I had a dream last night.**

“It must not be just any dream if you mention it.”

**It was… strange. Deadly strange. I was injured when I woke up. Still feel pretty fucking sore.**

“What do you mean?”

**It’s probably best to just show you.**

Beau opens her satchel, pulls out the dagger and puts it down on the desk. **I got attacked and when I woke up, it was in my hand, still stained with my blood. And, well…**

She opens her two hands to show her palms. It’s faint, but the remnants of two lines are still visible. Dairon inspects them. They look back at Beau. “Do you have any other injuries?”

Beau takes her coat off and undresses to show her chest, **The scar I got in Rexxentrum got reopened.**

“Can I take a look?”

**Sure.**

Dairon leans closer and examines the fresh scar. Beau surprises herself when she realizes she’s not even slightly embarrassed by the situation. She sure had a crush on Dairon at some point, but it was brief, and their relationship has evolved so much since.

When Dairon is done, they stand straight. “What happened in that dream? I want to know everything.”

Beau puts her clothes back on and then proceeds to tell them what she saw and felt, with as many details as she can recall. The only one she omits is the fact that the woman who saved her was probably Yasha’s wife. It becomes harder when she gets to the part where she saw herself. Or rather the thing that was masquerading as her. She manages to keep her composure even when she has to repeat the words of the being that cut deep into her heart, literally and metaphorically.

**And that’s when she hit me. Or it. I don’t even know what to call that thing. At first I thought it was a reflection of my fears and insecurities, but I eventually realized it was not me, it was… something else. It seems this entity had its own thoughts and cravings, I don’t know how to explain that. And I don’t know how it was able to actually hurt me. It’s crazy already that the dagger injured me in the real world, but what’s crazier is that the first blow this creature dealt, it did with its bare hand, and it was enough to reopen my scar. I thought it was using its ki, but since this was not me...** Her signs are nervous now. **I don’t understand how it’s possible.**

Dairon thinks for a moment, “Did you tell your friends any of this?”

Beau shakes her head from left to right.

“You might have to talk about it at some point.”

**I know. I just didn’t want to make them panic, especially Yasha.**

Dairon stares at Beau with a serious look on their face. “You truly care about her.”

Beau nods in place of an answer and Dairon doesn’t linger on it.

“At least, ask them to watch over you while you’re sleeping. Maybe this mysterious woman will help you if this creature attacks again, but we can’t be sure, and I have nothing to protect you.” Beau nods. “Did you store that dream away? Take notes?”

**Of course. Everything is in my notebook.**

“Good. Can you copy it? Use the cipher, and send it here for me as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will start my research.”

**Do you have something in mind?**

“I might. It would be very strange if the attack of this creature while you’re under the influence of a curse was purely coincidental.”

**I came to the same conclusions. It said something about how the Assembly had to “resort to using it to silence me” and that it waited “thousands of years for someone to use it so it can be free”. I don’t think the Assembly invented that thing. Could be old pre-Calamity magic shit.**

“It’s possible. That said, speaking of the Assembly…” Dairon goes back to their seat and elegantly puts their elbows on the desk and crosses their hands in front of them, “As I said, they are probably watching us at all times. They have to believe that we learned our lesson. That _you_ learned your lesson. It will satisfy them and sedate their worries and suspicions, make it easier to strike when they least expect it. But it will not be easy, especially after your recent excursion. Don’t think it went unnoticed.”

Beau immediately understands what they are referring to and shrinks.

“What were you thinking, Beauregard? You put so many people in danger, not only yourself. Trent Ikithon has no way to prove you acted on behalf of the Cobalt Soul, which you obviously didn’t, and it’s very fortunate, otherwise we would have been in deep trouble.”

**I’m sorry. I was desperate and I acted under emotional impulse. It won’t happen again.** Beau lowers her head in shame. **I… I just wanted to be useful again. I didn’t want to be silent anymore.**

Dairon nods. “I understand. And frankly, I was able to convince them that it was indeed out of desperation, even if it meant having to kowtow to Ikithon which, for the record, deeply unsettled me.”

**Believe me, I know. I had fucking dinner with the guy and he’s just...** Beau pauses and shivers with a genuine air of disgust before going back to a more neutral expression. **Well, they no doubt think that we've been twiddling our thumbs, assuming we can't solve this. Still, maybe we can... make them assume we're hopelessly lost. Give them a false sense of security because technically, I'm just going to see my family, that's all. Nothing suspicious about that, right?**

Dairon frowns and sighs. “There’s a reason why they’ve been ahead of the game for so many years. It’s partially because they have no limit nor any sense of honor and ethic, but also because they’re very smart and cunning. Which is why we should make sure they think you stepped down for the time being. Do you have your original uniform with you?”

**It’s in the bag.**

“Put it on and keep your Expositor vestments in the bag.”

Beau suddenly seems nervous. **Do you think it will be enough? Will they buy it? I know their giant ego will probably help convincing them, but what if this is not enough? I mean... I know I have to officially step down to make this look real, but... You will never ask me to go all the way and actually give _everything_ back, right? I'm going to be reinstated once all this is over, right?**

“I told you wouldn’t be expelled. You have my word, Beauregard.”

Beau is still stirring nervously. **I’ve heard that shit before, so you can forgive me for feeling… unconvinced.**

Dairon nods. “Alright. Then here’s the ‘official’ statement. For the time being, the Cobalt Soul kindly relieves you from your duty as an Expositor, allowing you to take some time off after what happened, and you have to return your vestments. It will make those arrogant wizards think we consider you useless and we are politely getting rid of you, or at least that we’re afraid and so we’re keeping you away from danger. When you find the answer, when you are able to speak once more, then by all means, return in your official capacity and 'reclaim' your vestments. But... that doesn't mean you can go back and continue the investigation, understood? You will work on other matters for the Soul."

Beau nods, **So even when I’m reinstated, I will still be ordered to leave the Assembly alone and not interfere?**

“Yes. Officially, that is. After all… the Soul is not responsible for what their members do in their spare time.”

Beau grins, **Message received. Loud and clear.**

They nod to each other, and then Beau gets more serious.

**What you said earlier about the Mighty Nein... They really matter to me. I probably owe them my life, in so many ways. They’ve been here every step of the way, even before I lost my voice. It's because I let them close that I’m even alive, let alone happy for the first time in forever.**

“I know they’re dear to you. I didn’t mean to offend you. And if I’m being honest, the seven of you have accomplished some pretty decent feats that I would never have imagined a group like yours achieving. I guess they’re not as terrible as I first thought. They just make me nervous because they tend to… well… spread chaos quite easily, which is literally the opposite of what you’re supposed to do as an Expositor.”

**I know. But don’t worry, I do my best to counterbalance that tendency, as you call it.** She pauses briefly, **Even if I take part sometimes.**

Dairon shakes their head, but Beau can see they’re not actually upset. “You're no ordinary Expositor, Beauregard. Quite possibly one of the best of your generation. Who knows… Maybe in time the Soul will have to embrace it if we want to keep up with the world.”

**Only because you convinced me. Don't think I'd be who I am today if not for you. Though… I still wonder sometimes if my growth was all me… or my father's actions.**

“Didn’t you tell me he sent you away?”

**He did, which is precisely why I ended up here. So… Even if it bugs me to admit it, I wouldn’t be where I am today if he hadn’t made the decision for me.**

“Tell me something, Beauregard.”

Beau eyes Dairon warily, a bit taken aback.

“Was your father there in Trostenwald when you accepted to follow the path of the Expositors?”

**I know what you mean. But I wouldn’t have been presented with this choice without him.**

“Or maybe you would, somehow. You can’t know what would have happened. What you _do_ know, however, is that you got where you are now because of _your_ decisions and _your_ accomplishments. The only thing your father did was to get you abducted. The rest was all yours.”

Beau thinks for a moment before asking, **What would you have thought if I had stepped away from the Soul for a friend? To make her and her family happy?**

“May I ask what you are alluding to?”

**I told you we visited my family, some time ago.** Dairon nods. **We went there primarily to see a hag who had cursed Veth. She required something in exchange for breaking the curse and I offered to leave behind all my accomplishments.**

“What did these accomplishments include, exactly?”

**Everything. Within the Cobalt Soul, but also what I had acquired on a personal level. Equal misery for equal misery.**

“The Mighty Nein?”

Beau nods in approval. **I honestly thought I had peaked. Thought that it literally couldn’t get any better, and that I was doomed to lose it all. Even tried to convince myself that it was for the best. If I didn’t have them… I’d be walking Exandria alone forever.**

Dairon breathes in and looks in the distance. Beau patiently waits until they look back at her. “I haven’t known you long, but I think it’s safe to say I unlocked some of your patterns already. So I have only one question for you. Helping your friend and her family, was it your only motivation, or was there something else?”

Beau lowers her head and remains silent.

“Seeing your family again after a few years must have been hard.”

No answer.

“I won’t force you to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you need to be honest with yourself. And maybe with them too.”

Beau forces herself to look at Dairon, **It fucking crushed me, to be honest. I still don’t know what I got from my confrontation with my father, except reignition of my trauma.**

“Did you get to tell him what you wanted to say?”

**I tried, but I don’t think he understood what I was trying to say. I don’t think I was prepared to tell him the truth though, so that’s probably on me. Honestly, it was like I was a child again… and not the shit-kicker that I am today. I felt… weak. Ineffectual. _Worthless_.**

“People who hurt us in our young years tend to have quite an impact on us when we have to face them.”

**No shit. And I wasn’t even fucking ready for it. I didn’t even go there for myself anyway. Like I said, it was to help Veth.** Beau pauses. **I suppose if anything, I’m a little angry at my friends. Kinda wish they stood up for me more. And Jester… Gods, she was the one who saved me when I almost lost it. Literally and figuratively.**

Dairon frowns and tilts their head. “What do you mean, Beauregard? What did Miss Lavorre do?”

**So… about that hag… Jester might have made her believe that they became best friends and offered just a cupcake for lifting the curse.**

Dairon gapes. They seem to be trying to process the information and Beau can almost see the gears of their mind working. “I don’t know if that is pure genius or pure madness.”

**Both, I’d say. Though I’ve come to expect nothing less from Jester… even if her ‘god’ is still shady to me, but maybe that’s just my lingering trust issues speaking for me.**

Dairon shakes their head. "Are you… envious of Jester’s offer being more successful than your own? Frankly I wouldn't blame you. I mean, a cupcake and a spell? How can you compare with that?"

Beau silently scoffs, **Crazy, right? And yes, I guess I’m a bit envious. I mean…** Her eyes are suddenly tingling. **I was about to throw it all away, and just like that, she solved the whole thing. When she entered, she was saying she would offer her hands. I thought that was some serious shit. But then, she said everything was solved and when she finally explained herself… A cupcake. A damn cupcake.** Beau sighs with a sad smile on her face. **That’s ridiculous.**

"If you truly value your friendship with her, you should… to put it crassly, call her out on her shit."

She smirks, recalling Veth suggesting the same on Rumblecusp.

**Maybe I should. But how do I say that without sounding like the biggest asshole? I’d look like the one who wanted to play hero and is mad because she got robbed of her grandiose moment. It’s not like I wanted to, you know. It’s just… infuriating that I resorted to my old habits while Jester solved it with trickery and wit. Fuck, she even made me play slave despite being a victim herself… but that's a whole other story.**

"Remember, Beauregard: the world does need an asshole. Your words." Dairon pauses with a face they don't make often. "Wait… a slave?!"

**They… lacked critical information,** Beau shrugged. **And I did call her out on that one. She agreed it was stupid in hindsight.**

Dairon pinches their nose. “I feel like we’re losing track of our original conversation, but okay.”

Beau awkwardly smiles, **Too much information, maybe?**

“It’s okay, don’t worry.”

**I've had a few shitty weeks. Feels good to unpack for once,** Beau silently laughs.

“Unpacking. That’s the word. But don’t get me wrong, I’m glad if I can help you with that and if you trust me enough for that. I just didn’t think we had that kind of relationship. But it’s fine.”

Dairon is quite agitated. Beau seems to be pulling them out of their comfort zone today.

**Yeah. Maybe we're more like equals now. But I'm glad we've come to understand each other. And… I look forward to… earning my colors again.** She winks.

At that, there is a knock on the door. "Excuse me, Expositor Dairon?"

“What is it?”

“Exp-... Um, Acolyte Lionett is needed in the library. The Mighty Nein have returned. I didn’t really understand what was going on, but it seems there’s an issue with a halfling threatening the archivists to let a wizard access the library which… he can already access in fact?”

Beau and Dairon facepalm. "Does Mr. Widogast not comprehend that we're not _that_ secret?"

**Blame Uthodurn. They're still a little sore over a misunderstanding.**

"Right."

Dairon sighs, “Go tell them Beauregard will be joining them in a minute. And please, for the love of Ioun, make that gob- halfling stop threatening our archivists. They’ve been traumatized enough.”

**Not my fault they keep jumping through without warning, I just work here. Anyway, guess it's time. Gonna feel weird for a while, but hopefully not too long.**

Beau sighs a little and changes into her old garb and puts her Expositor vestments in the bag of holding. It’s strange wearing it again after so long. They step out of the office and are immediately on the alert again.

Dairon gives Beau a stern look, “You can keep your monk garb if you wish, but I would prefer if you didn’t wear it until the Cobalt Soul decides whether you should get your title back after your misstep. Your friends picked something for you anyway, right?”

Beau intentionally grits her teeth and throws a challenging look at Dairon, **I’ll change as soon as I join them. Or would you prefer me walking around naked to make sure I don’t taint your precious colors?**

“Don’t be ridiculous, and don’t blame me. You brought this upon yourself, Beauregard.”

Beau scoffs, **Whatever.**

“I will walk you back.”

**No need. I know the way out. Wouldn’t be the first time.**

She turns around and walks away without looking back. She hears a door after a moment and assumes Dairon got back inside their office.

"Beau!"

Ah, the unmistakable cheerful tone of Jester Lavorre. And with her are the others, minus Caleb and Veth who no doubt were left to their tome perusal. They gather around her.

“What happened with Dairon? Did they actually...?”

Beau nods in approval and clenches her jaw.

**Call it… a suspension. For me to "reflect on my conduct", to “earn back their good graces”. So for now, I'm just Beau.**

They exchange concerned looks and she can tell they’re confused and probably don’t know what’s true or not. She glances at Fjord, but his spell has probably expired by now. She writes a quick note in the cipher and shows it to the group: "Play along. I'll tell you in the tower later." She then crumples it up and puts it in her pocket.

**Did you get what I asked you to buy for me?**

“Here,” Caduceus hands her a package.

**Give me a minute. Let’s go to… my _former_ quarters.**

Once they arrive at the quarters assigned to her, Beau quickly starts undressing in front of them all and they all open wide eyes.

Jester stares with a wide grin, Fjord covers his eyes and stumbles to lock the door, Caduceus looks at her in confusion, and Yasha immediately takes her shawl off of her shoulders and awkwardly hides herself behind it.

She scowls at her girlfriend as she peeks out, “Beau, what the hell? I get that you’re pissed, you have all the reasons to be, but can you please not give us a private peep show?!”

Beau stops to sign as Yasha looks at her, **First off, why the fuck are YOU embarrassed, Yash? Second, it was getting fucking stuffy in that office.**

Fjord is practically stumbling over himself in embarrassment, “Then just make it fucking quick!”

Jester smirks, “Or don’t. Your abs are really nice to watch.”

Fjord and Yasha turn to her unison, “Jester!”

Beau gives a silent “harumph!” as she finishes undressing and puts her new clothes on, not even taking time to actually have a look at the outfit. She puts her monk garb in the bag of holding and then hands it to Fjord.

“Okay, now are we ready to go?!” Fjord exclaims, shouldering the bag. Beau can’t help but smile inside; this is going to be such a big “fuck you” to the entire Assembly.

“Wait! Beau, you haven’t looked at yourself yet!”‘

Beau looks over to Jester and gestures to herself, **Well, unless anyone has a full-length mirror or something--**

Before she could finish signing, she hears the unmistakable sound of a sword being drawn. She looks behind her and sees the Magician’s Judge in Yasha’s capable hands. “Will this do?”

Beau raises an eyebrow before looking at the impossibly polished blade. And upon gazing at her own reflection, she can’t help but smile.

A bluish-dyed cloth shirt and gray jerkin, with a more subdued coloration for the latter, and loose yet comfortable leather trousers. Basic, but functional. She’s almost astonished by the simplicity. And as a bonus, it only further accentuates her other, more elaborate accoutrement: her bracers, circlet, gloves, boots, and the Belabor. All in all, a very good ensemble.

_Simple girl, simple needs. Glad you guys remembered._

**Before we go…** She then looks at Jester and Caduceus. **Any chance either of you can… regrow things that aren’t plants?**

“I can!” Jester hums happily. “What do you need to be grown?”

**My undercut.**

They all stare at her in deep shock. Fjord stutters, “But… Beau… That cut is so badass!”

“And your hair is so pretty like that!” Jester adds.

**People change. And I’m kinda tired of it. I want a change of cut.**

“That’s fair,” Yasha piped up. “Caleb shaved, Fjord grew a beard, Veth gave up her mask when she was still a goblin, my hair’s turning white again… We’re all changing.”

“Don’t forget your wings!” Jester beamed, prompting the aasimar to blush.

Beau claps her hands. **Anyway! Caduceus, could you hold Yasha’s shawl like… this?** She motions to him holding it like a curtain.

“Um, sure?” He obliges her and does as told.

“Now then, Miss Lionett… if you please.” Jester asks with flair and charisma… though Beau knows she’s overselling it. She still takes a seat on a nearby stool as the Ruby’s little Sapphire does her work behind the shawl.

A moment passes, no more than a minute. Caduceus tries to take a look as he is holding the shawl, but Jester gently scolds him. They hear her giggle and make comments, until she peeks from behind the shawl. “Ready?”

“Yeah! We sure are!” Fjord is by far the most enthusiastic.

Caduceus drops the shawl for extra drama and they all gasp.

It’s become more common to see Beau with her hair down lately, but the regrowth of her undercut makes quite a difference. Borrowing a bit of flair from Jester, Beau leans forward a bit… and tosses her head backward, the incredibly long, fully grown mane of hair arching backwards as well. It’s like something out of the finest theater productions this side of the Marrow Valley.

All around them, the group hears a distant moaning and mutters, “This is NOT theater. Don’t.”

They grin and Jester chuckles with glee, “Traci’s back, back again.”

Beau grabs Jester’s wrist with one hand, and signs with the other, **No.**

As the others quickly stifle their own giggles, so as to not incur the wrath of an “ex-Expositor”, Yasha is the first to open up.

“It looks amazing, Beau. You’re gorgeous. You look more… I don’t know… free?” She turns to the others. “Is that right?”

**Couldn’t agree more, Yash.** Beau looks in her reflection in the Magician’s Judge again. **I feel… like a new me. Except I’ve gone back in time, and I can… fix certain things.**

The others share a brief look of confusion before Beau stands up from the stool and takes one long look at her room. **Well. Guess it’s goodbye to this for a while.**

“You’ll come back,” Yasha says as she places a hand on Beau’s shoulder. “They’ll certainly let you once they change their mind.”

Beau shrugs as they leave her room. **Right now, I got someplace to be. By the way… where are Caleb and Veth?**

Almost as if on cue, the party hears a loud commotion downstairs. Upon arriving at the main reception, they are greeting with an admittedly amusing sight.

“Ah, come on! Couldn’t you bastards be a little nicer?! My boy deserves all the books, and you keep all the good shit tucked away! NOT FAIR!”

The image of Veth Brenatto, “gently” being escorted out of the Valley Archive, is a sight that Beau never thought would cheer her up, and yet it is, as is the sight of a haggard Caleb Widogast bowing in apology to the archivists as he says to Veth, “Quiet, you.” With a flick of his wrist and a clay cat’s paw in his hand, a familiar amber paw emerges, grabs hold of Veth by the jacket, and without issue yeets her out into the street.

_Oof. That’s gotta hurt. But also, about time she had that coming._

Shaking their heads, the rest of the party meet up with the wizard and rogue. Caleb in particular is a lot more embarrassed than angry.

“Veth, I told you: I didn’t need those books for what you were thinking. I just wanted some light reading.”

“But… but… you need SPELLS!”

Beau claps her hands. **We don’t carry spellbooks. If you had asked me, you would’ve known that.**

Veth glares at her. “Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me for--” She stops, taking in Beau’s radically new look. “Um… who are you, and what did you do to Beau?”

Caleb walks up and smacks Veth upside the head. “Really, Veth?” He turns to Beau. “For all it’s worth, I like it. It suits you.”

Beau smiles. **Thank you. Anyway, shall we go?**

A loud, abrupt clearing of the throat echoes out across this part of the Innerspread Sprawl. All seven turn in the direction, coming face-to-face with an exasperated Expositor Dairon.

“I take it you’ll be off?”

**Yes, Expositor. We’ll be out of your hair.** She then glares at Caleb and Veth, then turns back to Dairon. **Sorry about them. Not my fault.**

Dairon subtly nods, and their gaze falls squarely on the two noisy busybodies.

“Mr. Widogast. Mrs. Brenatto,” Dairon tells them with the sharpest tongue they had ever used. “You had better take this time to reflect as well. You wouldn’t want your friend to be banished from the Soul forever, do you? It will be your fault if I have to permanently remove her rank from our records.”

They then wink at Beau, who returns it. Caleb and Veth immediately bow in humility.

“Safe travels… Miss Lionett.” Dairon says to Beau, once again nodding in their direction.

Beau responds with perhaps the most reverence she’d ever given in terms of bowing to her “former teacher”. She then grabs a ribbon from her satchel and ties her hair behind her head, ready for the open road. **See ya.**

And with that, gathering horses at a nearby livery, the Mighty Nein depart from Zadash and begin to make their way westward across the Truscan Vale and Bromkiln Hills towards the wine town of Kamordah. A three day ride, weather and potential roadblocks depending. But Beau is determined to arrive in three days’ time. Deep down, she is more than a little scared. It wasn’t too long ago that she came home, but that time it was to help a friend.

This time… this is for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved penning this chapter with Luce. A break in the action, with some much-needed levity and humor. And more therapy. And Dairon actually being a cool and reasonable mentor.
> 
> Also, Jester using Regenerate to regrow shorn hair? Sure, why not? And Beau now has a new outfit, which I created on Hero Forge! If anyone wants to see it, I'll post it on Twitter.
> 
> But next time... another family gathering. And a storm is brewing, a storm... unlike any before.


	10. Right Through You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait a minute, man/You mispronounced my name/You didn't wait for all the information/Before you turned me away  
> Wait a minute, sir/You kind of hurt my feelings/You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet/And you've got meal ticket taste  
> You took me for a joke/You took me for a child/You took a long hard look at my ass/And then played golf for a while  
> Your shake is like a fish/You pat me on the head/You took me out to wine, dine, 69 me/But didn't hear a damn word I said  
> Oh, hello Mr. Man/You didn't think I'd come back/You didn't think I'd show up with my army/And this ammunition on my back  
> Now that I'm Miss Thing/Now that I'm a zillionaire/You scan the credits for your name/And wonder why it's not there
> 
> I see right through you/I know right through you
> 
> I feel right through you/I walk right through you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beau confides in some of the Nein about her dream, returns home for a tense reunion... and a storm breaks, along with something else.
> 
> Hands down, this is probably THE longest chapter we'd written yet. 20+ pages on Google Docs alone. But trust me... it's fucking worth it!

## First Night, 11th of Quen’pillar, 836 PD

The first day out of Zadash proved to be quite uneventful, despite the previous day being that of the Hazel Festival. Beau regrets not taking part in the festival this year, but current events would’ve made it a rather… sour occasion. Still, travel went smoothly as the sun went down and up came the unmistakable gleam of Catha and Ruidus appearing from the east, just past the Ashkeeper Peaks that separated the Empire from Xhorhas.

It’s during this night that Caleb sets up the tower in a secure spot and as the Nein come in, even taking their horses inside despite Caleb’s protests, they sit down for dinner as Beau explains in full what happened with Dairon and what their strategy was regarding the Assembly. Naturally, the others are rather skeptical yet accepting of the current situation, even if Veth was still sore about what happened at the Archive today. But nevertheless, having eaten their fill, the Nein scatter to do their own respective tasks before bed. Beau in particular heads up to her room, with help from Fjord and Jester as she can’t speak the command word to open the irises. After bidding them a good night, Beau just plops down on her couch inside her chambers and sighs silently.

She isn’t going to lie, the meeting with Dairon was tense as fuck. And the buildup to it could’ve killed her outright. But going from being scared that she would lose one of the few things she had left to being told that it was all part of the plan leaves her with complicated feelings. She knows Dairon’s heart is in the right place, and without having to worry about the responsibility she once had as an active Expositor, Beau knows she can breathe a little easier.

And yet, she knows that there is something she has to do.

**_“You might have to talk about it at some point. At least, ask them to watch over you while you’re sleeping.”_ **

_Dairon’s not wrong_ , Beau thinks to herself. _Maybe I should talk to at least one other person about this. The question is… who should I confide in? There’s pros and cons to this._

Beau goes over her options. Veth was an obvious “no” because she’d panic and blab about it easily to the others. She doubts that Caleb would understand and she didn’t want to put any more undue stress on his shoulders; gods know he’s got enough on his plate after recent events with the Assembly prior to Eiselcross. Jester, most definitely not. She’d be super-protective and wouldn’t let her have a moment’s peace. And Yasha… Yasha is the last person Beau would want to make worry, although she’d have to tell her eventually. After all, she had funky dreams too.

_Which leaves Fjord and Caduceus._

Beau smiles. Between the two of them, she trusts Fjord more. He’s her captain, after all. She knew him the longest. And he’d had very bizarre, sometimes deadly dreams before when he was still under Uk’otoa’s watch, one of which resulted in him getting stabbed in his sleep, albeit in his case his attacker was quite real and in the waking world. Still, Fjord to her seems a solid bet. As for Cad, maybe another time. Besides, he is on another floor and she still can’t say the command word to open the iris. That, and she has a feeling that even if she tries to explain, he might be a little lost; the guy is a real hot mess as is.

_Process of elimination is queen. Fjord it is._

Her decision made, Beau stands up from her couch and takes a moment to step into her bedroom and do something she never thought she’d do by herself in a long time: brush her hair. In truth, it feels weird having a full head of hair again, having cut it herself to be a better fit for the monastery. And the change was out of necessity; on the off-chance that the Assembly might still come after her, she had to change her hairstyle. And as painful as it was, she even removed her earrings and piercings. That last part, she needed Jester’s help with. But having her hair change was still her choice, much like her choice to turn her life around and accept Dairon as her mentor over a year ago. She can adjust. Like always.

_Besides, I think it’ll grow on me, no pun intended._

Satisfied with her work, Beau then walks out of her room and knocks on the door emblazoned with the symbol of a wheel, a ship’s helm. After a minute or two, the door opens and on the other side is Fjord, looking surprisingly disheveled despite it not having been that long since dinner ended.

“Beau? What’s up?” Fjord asks.

Beau looks down a little sheepishly. **Can I bunk up with you?**

Fjord blinks a bit, and then his brain catches up. “Wait, _what?!_ ”

Beau puts her hand over his mouth to stifle his yell. After a moment, she takes her hand back and shakes her head. **Not like that! You know me better than that. I just… I need someplace else to sleep for the night. And… I got something else to ask you.**

Fjord blinks in astonishment. “You couldn’t have just asked to be let in?” He sighs. "Nevermind. Come in, Beau.”

She thanks him with a nod and steps inside. She only got the one look before, during Caleb’s tour of the tower, and she is still quite pleased with how well it suits her captain. It makes her yearn for the days aboard ship that she had with the Nein; she could pretend to not have to worry about her work with the Soul and just live life as a sailor, much like she had read in a couple novels in her downtime during her first year or so in the archive.

Fjord brings her out of her reverie as they sit on the couch. "What's going on? You fucked up your mirror, you can't cover it anymore and it's creeping you out?" he says jokingly.

**I wish it was just that,** she answers with a slight smile. **I don't know how to explain without sounding crazy.**

"I've seen you expose a ten minutes long theory on the link between Vess DeRogna and the Tomb Takers without breathing once. I can't hear or witness anything crazier than this."

Beau grins. She loves this goofball. **Can you promise me you won’t tell anyone?**

“I can’t promise before I know what it is.”

**I won’t tell you if you don’t promise.**

Fjord rolls his eyes, half-annoyed half-amused, “Alright, I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

Beau takes a deep breath. **I had a very strange dream last night. I won’t go into details, but I got attacked by a creature and when I woke up, I was injured.**

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on. Why didn’t Jester and you tell us what happened?”

**Jester doesn’t know.**

“You got attacked, she was sleeping right next to you, and she doesn’t know?”

**No, I wasn’t attacked like that!** Beau sighs. She can see a misunderstanding is building and she’s tired already. **It wasn’t like you. There was no one in the waking world.**

“I’m not following.”

She hates this goofball’s occasional dimwittedness. **The creature was in my dream and when I woke up, Jester was the only one in the room. And I had the fucking dagger in my hand!** And to make a point, she reaches into her satchel and pulls out the weapon, eliciting a rather… violent reaction from Fjord.

“And you didn’t tell her? Or anyone?!”

**You know Jester. She’d freak the fuck out and not let me explain or let me breathe. Plus, she was fast asleep.**

Fjord can’t help but make a face. “Alright, fair point. Still… Attacked in your dream AND signs of being wounded when you woke up? How is that possible?”

Beau shrugs, absentmindedly rubbing the scar in question. **You don’t know how Uk'otoa reached you when you were sleeping and made you vomit seawater.**

“Uk'otoa is a deity, and a damn powerful one. I never questioned how he was able to do this.”

Beau nods in affirmation. **Well, this creature was a damn powerful one, apparently. So I have no answer for you, I don’t know how it’s possible.**

Fjord looks at Beau, now fully paying attention to her with the concern befitting of a ship captain. “This creature… What did it look like?”

**Me, at first. But then it… transformed. And it had… no shape, actually.**

“Great. We’re gonna go far.”

**Don’t be an asshole! It’s not my fault this thing looked like nothing known before.** She pauses. **Besides… that thing cut deep. Not just physically. So I don’t need this condescension, okay?!**

For his occasional lack of insight, even Fjord can see that Beau is still very shaken by this experience and, to his credit, shifts gears as smoothly as the helm of a ship. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’m just… This is a lot to take in, especially since it’s reminding me of… you know.”

**Yeah… Looks like abusive jerks taking credit for our own accomplishments is not the only theme we have going in this party.**

Just like Beau did a moment ago, Fjord reaches to his chest and rubs his scar through his clothes.

**What a pair we make, huh? One foot in the grave already… though you were already deeper than that at one point.**

Fjord nods, not even taking offense to what Beau implies. “Yeah. ‘Captain going down with the ship’ and all that.’”

**O Captain. My Captain.**

Fjord grins, “Shut up.” They share a smile. “So, what’s the plan?”

**This creature is not dead, apparently, and I have no idea how to kill it for now. Dairon will do her research and keep me updated, since… well, I’m technically not a member of the Soul, at least for now.**

Fjord nods. “Do you think it will come back?”

**That’s what I’m concerned about. I got help in that dream, but if that thing attacks me again, I don’t know if I will be as lucky this time.**

Fjord frowns at the mention of “help”. He seems hesitant, but he doesn’t ask her about it, gods bless his heart. “I guess you’re telling me this just for the pleasantry of discussing our common risk of dying in our sleep because strange entities are after us?”

Beau signs awkwardly, **It’s so embarrassing, gods… I need you to watch over me and wake me up if I’m struggling. But you can’t stay up all night, so... Maybe the solution would be...** She shivers. **Sleeping in the same bed.**

Fjord grimaces and then laughs. “Beau… you know me better than that. I wouldn’t even dream of taking advantage of you in your sleep. And… truth be told, and I know you’d love hearing this shit, but… I was a fucking mess with Avantika. So don’t worry, I won’t be _that_ guy.”

Beau grins. He isn’t wrong, she thrives on hearing this shit. One, because it can serve as innocent blackmail. And two, because it’s an example of trust. But she greatly prefers the second reason.

“And I don’t even want to imagine what Yasha would do if I tried to steal her girl. I mean, have you seen her biceps? It’s insane!” He gets an incredulous look from his first mate. “Okay, dumb question. Still, she could be hugging me and just like that, flexing them, she would probably break my ribs. I’m not taking that risk. Nope.”

**She’d finish what she started in the King’s Cage,** Beau counters, a rather melancholy expression on her face, prompting an audible gulp from Fjord. Even if Yasha wasn’t controlled at the time, even if Obann didn’t get his hands on her, Beau isn’t wrong in that assertion.

Fjord clears his throat, trying to redirect the mood. “You will have to tell them eventually. The others, I mean.”

Beau nods with a look of resignation. **I’ll tell them. Cad, at the least; he’s also had some very weird dream-vision… things. But that’s for later. First, Kamordah. One thing at a time.**

“Let me know when you tell them. I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”

Beau smirks. **Oh, stop. I know it’s not true. You faked your accent for months.**

“It’s not the same as keeping a secret.”

Beau playfully punches him in the shoulder, but his reaction seems legit when he winces in pain. **You also kept TJ a secret until I brought him up.**

Fjord shrugs noncommittally, rubbing his shoulder. “That much is true.” He frowns. “Speaking of… how are you feeling about that? And you seemed rather insistent that we had to leave, like, right away. You gonna fill us in on that? Or at least me?”

**You’ll know when you know. As for my family, I guess we’ll wait and see how it goes.**

“I suppose.” Fjord says in acceptance.

_Good, deflection successful. I don’t need to dwell on the reason--_

“How old are you, Beau?” Fjord asks completely out of nowhere.

Beau freezes. Fjord doesn’t notice her immediate reaction and continues. “It just occurred to me. We’ve known each other for over a year now and that’s one thing I still don’t know. I mean, you don’t have to say anything. Just curious. You’ve been through a lot, everyone in our little family has, but you seem too young to have to deal with what you’ve had to face.”

He stares at her and her stiffness only now gets his attention. He puts a hand on her shoulder, trying to keep her steady like Caleb often does. “I grew up in an orphanage, surrounded by dozens of kids who didn’t get to experience love very often. I know what someone looks like when they’re excited for a tiny event like that, or what they think others consider a tiny event.”

**I don’t know what you’re talking about.**

Fjord scoffs. He can’t help but think she’s become a terrible liar over the year they’ve spent together, but thankfully he knows enough to tell that he’s not getting anything else out of her, at least for now. “It’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. Anyway, let’s go to bed, first mate. We have a long journey ahead of us.”

He crawls into his hammock and sees Beau is hesitant. “Come on! I told you I’d never try anything. Plus, you’ll have to get used to sleeping with someone curled up against you, now that a tiny being got into your life.”

Beau stares at him with a weirded out expression, until realization hits her. **Oh gods, I thought you were talking about Yasha!**

“Well, her too,” Fjord jokes, which earns him an even bigger jab to the shoulder. “Ow! Hey! We have to work out in the morning! You trying to give me a handicap?”

Beau seems nonplussed. **Captain… you’re always so.**

Fjord wants to protest, but even he can tell she wasn’t that serious. She joins him, in her very own ‘dope monk shit’ manner, by managing to effortlessly maneuver her body into fitting herself against him. They might have been able to keep some distance between them in an average bed, but the hammock makes it impossible, and eventually they give up and spend the night curled up against each other. And surprisingly, the hammock is able to fit them both. 

“Night, Beau.”

Beau nods in response. And even she has to admit to herself, he’s actually as snug as a teddy bear… which prompts even more childhood memories as she wraps her arms around her friend as she dozes off. Perhaps it’s that nostalgic sensation of surprisingly happier times, or that of a confidant holding her close and secure… but unlike the night before, her dreams are pleasant and devoid of what she had previously. And for that, she’s grateful.

The night passes by peacefully, captain and first mate both dreaming peaceful dreams.

* * *

## Second Night, 12th of Quen’pillar, 836 PD

On the second night, they camp inside the dome. As dope as the tower was, both Beau and Caleb had to admit that they missed the occasional “roughing it” of the open road. That, and they weren’t as pressed for time as they originally thought; they were halfway through the Truscan Vale and within a day and a half, they would arrive at their destination. After a quick debate, Beau and Caduceus volunteer to take the first watch.

Beau likes being on the open road, especially at night. It reminds her of her early times with the Mighty Nein, when Caleb wasn’t able to teleport them across the world in the blink of an eye. Traveling around was pleasant and she misses it sometimes. But then, she remembers that Fjord, Jester and Yasha were taken away precisely when they were on the open road and Molly was killed because of it, and it makes her sad and anxious. These emotions are quite confusing as she absentmindedly rubs the back of her neck, her hand clasped over the all-seeing eye there..

She hears an owl hooting, not far from her, and she thinks about her former companion. _Fuck you, Professor Thaddeus_.

Caduceus must notice the change of expression on her face, because he quietly smiles. “Someday, you will see his call was somewhere else and forgive him for leaving.” It is sometimes annoying to see how perceptive he is.

**Never.**

They share an amused smile and go back to their watch.

Beauregard focuses on the chirp of crickets. She is once again reminded that this is one of the reasons why she likes being on the road: nature never shuts up. It is a nice change from her childhood house where the days were empty of love and the nights terribly silent. She wants to go back to see her brother, but at the same time, she doesn’t. She sighs.

Caduceus always seems so calm. She envies him sometimes. Even when he had just discovered his whole family had been turned to stone, he managed to keep a cool head. No, she doesn’t envy him. She admires him.

She scoots closer to him and he slowly turns to look at her. “Hey”, his whispering voice is soothing, as always. Beau mimes the motion of drinking tea and Caduceus does a quick task of preparing just a basic loose-leaf tea. Nothing special, just tea that tastes good. She came to really like tea. Funnily enough, she hated tea growing up. Ironic coming from a wine family. But still, she would take any of Cad’s brews any day. That, and she has gotten quite used to the idea of drinking “dead people” tea in the time she’s known him.

Feeling a little calmer thanks to her tea, she signs to Caduceus, **Are you familiar with dreams?**

“What- What do you mean? Like… Do I have dreams? Wait, what kind of dreams are we talking about? Like, do I dream at night? Or do- Do I have aspirations?”

Beau shakes her head. **Not what I meant. Can you _interpret_ dreams?**

“Oh, that! Well, I mean... This is not my speciality, but maybe I can bring my ideas to the table. Why do you ask?”

Beauregard looks around. Everybody seems to be sleeping tight, but you never know with them. Shifty as she is, Veth might as well be pretending, and as for Caleb and Yasha, they are head to head in the insomnia contest.

She is hesitant. They are all turned away from Caduceus and her, so at the very least, they can’t see them. She looks at the firbolg. **Can you sign without speaking, please?** He nods.

Beau takes a deep silent breath and thinks how best to parse what she is about to share. She did say she would talk to him next chance she had. And this was it.

**I had a dream last night. I-** She pauses and thinks for a moment. She is not even sure what she saw, but this is Caduceus, he won't judge her. None of her friends would. **I think I saw Yasha's wife.**

Caduceus slowly nods and stares into the distance. He takes a deep breath and looks back at her. **Are you sure it was her?**

**I don't know, Yasha never described her, at least not to me. But I think so.**

Caduceus nods again. **What happened in that dream?**

**A lot. But I don’t think it would be relevant to tell you everything. There was a woman. She was trying to reach me through my dreams, I think. She appeared several times, but it was brief. She eventually managed to manifest for good.**

**What do you mean by ‘for good’?**

Beau hesitates. How much should she tell him? He will probably be concerned if she says too much, but he will be suspicious if she’s too secretive.

Caduceus notices her hesitation and embarrassment. He has learned the lesson and knows he shouldn’t push it when Beau doesn’t want to speak. **Did she say anything? Do anything?**

**Yeah. But it was a lot happening, hard to keep track of what was going on. Then, near the end of my dream… I realized it was Zuala. Somehow. She even called Yasha the “Orphan Maker” and said “Take care of her. Take care of Yasha.”**

Beau stops signing and thinks for a moment. She is not sure she wants to share that last bit of information, but then again, this is Caduceus. She came to him for guidance, she might as well tell him everything. Well, not exactly everything. **Then she changed it and said “ _Our_ Yasha.”**

Caduceus quietly nods and Beau looks at him expectantly. **What do you think it means? If it means anything at all.**

**As I said, dreams are not my specialty. Sometimes, I struggle with the meaning of my own. But from where I stand, I think Zuala gave you her blessing.**

**Her… blessing?**

**She knows Yasha is safe with you. Physically, but also and mostly emotionally. She trusts you to take care of her.**

**But…** Beau is left confused. **She’s been gone for years. There’s no way this was actually her. It was just a creation of my subconscious, right?**

**What do you think?**

Beau doesn’t answer. If she is completely honest, she doesn’t know what she thinks about it. Caduceus stares at her with a soft smile on his face. **You would be surprised to see how talkative ghosts and spirits are when you are willing to listen to them.**

Beau frowns. All this spiritual and religious stuff is definitely not for her. She likes when things are crystal clear. She is the finder of truths, the one who connects the dots and makes sense of everything. But Caduceus’ goddess speaks to him through wind, so she shouldn’t be surprised that he can reflect upon a dream so vague with such serenity. Maybe for once, she will try to be as tranquil as him, even if it goes against her own nature.

She is pulled out of her thoughts when he starts signing again. **You should talk to Yasha about it. I mean… This is your choice. But I think it would make her very happy.**

Beau briefly considers his suggestion. **Thanks, Caduceus.**

He smiles and nods. **Always.**

Their watch comes to an end, uneventful, and Fjord and Yasha are the second pair to stand guard. They gently wake them up.

Yasha looks like she was only half-asleep. “Everything went well?”

**We were attacked by gnolls, but they were just regular gnolls, so Caduceus and I took care of it.**

Yasha’s eyes widen.

**Just kidding. Everything’s clear.**

“Good. Take some rest now.” She kisses her on the forehead.

Beau looks over at Fjord. They exchange a subtle knowing nod. He has her back.

She seems nervous and Yasha immediately notices. “What’s wrong?”

**Nothing, I’m just a bit worried for the upcoming days, that’s all.**

_Technically, not a lie._

“Try to get some sleep, okay? I’ll be right there if you need anything.”

**Yes, Angel.**

Beau kisses her on the cheek and she lingers a bit longer than she usually would. Right before laying down next to Yasha, she catches a glimpse of a beautiful crimson color on her cheeks, even in the night. She curls up against her and feels her hand on her shoulder, soothing and comforting. She closes her eyes and tries not to let the fear take hold of her.

A short moment passes, and she hears a rumble in the distance.

Hopefully, her savior will keep the beast tamed in the dream world while her angel guardian watches over her in the waking world.

* * *

## Fourth Day, 14th of Quen’pillar, 836 PD

After a very uneventful third day of travel, they finally arrived in Kamordah on the fourth. The overall plan is to go straight to the Lionett estate and to have Fjord and Caleb do most of the talking and come up with an opening for Beau to spend time with TJ.

It’s no surprise that upon arriving in the town proper, Beau’s nervousness reaches its peak. It hasn’t been as long as she had hoped since she last came here, and yet, it is still as gloomy as ever. Everything is the same: the geysers, the unhealthy water, the shithole taverns… even that godsforsaken view of Mount Mentiri in the distance… where that fucking hag that ruined her life before she was even born is living. And just like before, the familiar burning sensation at the base of her neck, a constant for those living in such a geothermal landmark; she had totally forgotten it the first time due to being in Zadash and beyond ever since.

The party makes their way through the muddy streets until they stand in front of the familiar gate leading to the uphill estate, and in a rare sight there are no hired hands monitoring the grounds. They patiently wait, although they don’t really know what they’re waiting for. Beau takes a deep breath and walks inside the property. After ascending the hillside two-by-two, Caduceus bringing up the rear, they’re almost at the door when Yasha gently takes Beau’s hand in hers. Beau squeezes it.

Right before knocking, Beau turns to her friends. They all give her reassuring looks and smiles. Will they have her back this time? Only one way to find out. Summoning what courage she has, Beau grabs the knocker and hits the door three times. Almost instantly, she hears footsteps coming. She recognizes Jeanine when she opens the door.

“Lady Beauregard.” She bows her head respectfully. “Please, come in.” She steps to the side to let them in. They all enter and Jeanine closes the door. “Your parents were waiting for you. I will inform them of your arrival right away.”

Beau nods in affirmation and a slight smile that hides her fear. She motions for her friends to follow her as she walks to the salon. Yasha doesn’t clean her boots and takes a lot of precaution to be sure she will keep as much mud on them as possible so that it can end up on the carpet. It would be a shame not to leave their mark. Veth, witnessing this, grins and does the same.

They don’t have to wait long before Thoreau shows up. He comes from a room adjacent to the salon that Beau knows to be his office. He takes his glasses off and puts them in the pocket of his jacket.

“Mighty…”

“Nein. Mighty Nein,” Fjord helps him, stepping forward. “Hello.”

“Hello…?” Thoreau responds with what can easily be a feigned politeness. At this point, no one’s fooled. But Beau knows they’re not here to pick fights. She’s here for TJ.

He looks upon them, and they all raise their eyebrows as he seems to be looking for someone in particular.

“Is something the matter, _Herr_ Lionett?” Caleb asks him, but Thoreau ignores his question. It’s painfully obvious whom he’s looking for, even looking _past_ her despite sitting right there.

“Where’s my... brilliant… daughter…? I was told she’s here, where _is_ she?“

Beau clears her throat by reflex to make herself known, but then realizes it’s no use and steps forward. Thoreau finally notices her and gets startled.

“Beauregard!”

She awkwardly waves in place of a ‘hello’, but doesn’t go as far as putting up a fake smile.

“I… I didn’t recognize you. You’re… You’ve changed a lot, since the last time you visited.”

She nods and shrugs. This was going to be super fucking hard.

“How… How are you doing?” he asks with a forced chuckle. Beau looks past him, hoping to get the silent message across.

He stares at her for a moment and seems unsettled. “How was your journey?”

Caleb, who has been standing next to Beau, throws her a side look. He won’t speak until he’s required to, but he wants to check in with her. Thoreau frowns. He is about to speak again when they hear another voice.

“Beauregard.”

They all turn in unison, Beau faster than the rest of the party. A small smile rises on her face when she sees her mother Clara going down the stairs, and it widens when her gaze falls upon the small diminutive form of TJ walking down as well.

“Sistah!”

He is reaching out with his two hands, very visibly excited to see her. She feels her heart melt and tears immediately gather in her eyes. She’s seen him only once and they interacted for a couple of minutes, but he is so loving already. She’s suddenly overwhelmed with regret. She lost two years because of him and she will never get them back. But as soon as Clara gets down the stairs and TJ walks toward her when she puts him down, all her negative feelings vanish.

She takes a few steps toward him to reduce the distance, and then crouches down and opens her arms. He stumbles into her embrace and she holds him tight. She thoroughly takes his smell in, like the first time they met. He must be about three by now, and his walking’s already gotten better since. He babbles nonsense that she can’t understand, but then he gently tugs on the ribbon in her hair and it’s easy for her to understand what he wants.

Wordlessly, she unties the ribbon from her hair and gently wraps it around his arm in a similar manner to her own wraps. Almost immediately, TJ is wide-eyed and even doing his own imitation of her trademark “pop pop!”, even doing some playful punches on her bicep for emphasis.

She gets hesitant for a brief moment before she brings out her own wrapped arm and compares it to his, as if to say “Hey we match!”, but instead of her voice she ends up signing, **You’re a natural, little man.**

He stares at her, intrigued by the signs she just formed, and clumsily tries to mimic them. It brings another smile to Beau’s face. But it’s when he starts running his tiny hands over her long locks that she really begins to emotionally crumble, her shoulders quivering and sobbing… but realizing too late that no one can hear.

“Beauregard? Are you all right? What were those… gestures you were making?”

Beau looks up to her mother and stands up. TJ holds onto her leg. Clara was the only one facing her and thus the only one able to notice. Beau hears footsteps and Thoreau comes in front of her. She can’t help but note that he didn’t look at TJ at all while he was walking right next to him. There is absolutely no interaction between father and son. No wonder TJ got attached to her so quickly. But she shouldn’t be surprised. Why would it be any different from what she experienced as a child?

“What gestures?” Thoreau stares at her and he seems almost… suspicious. As superstitious as he is, no doubt he’s afraid she might do anything similar to magic.

“Excuse me,” Fjord says as he walks up. “I’m surprised you weren’t informed, sir. And frankly, we weren’t told specifics, either. Just to be here today, on the 14th.” He turns to Clara. “Any reason you can think of? I mean, you’re her mother.”

Clara looks at Thoreau, who seems confused, then at Beau with wide eyes. “Is _that_ why you picked today?”

“She wants to play with TJ,” Jester pipes up, but instead of breaking the tension… it has the opposite effect as Thoreau looks squarely at her.

“Wait… that voice...”

Confusion comes across Jester’s face… before she utters, “Oh shit...”

Almost immediately, Thoreau’s face goes white. “You… You were that voice that I heard!”

Veth can’t help but giggle at the sudden change in his attitude. Beau is a bit disappointed she doesn’t get to pull the prank she had planned with Caleb, but that improvised joke is far better. She puts a hand on her mouth to hide her smile, but soon, her shoulders are shaken by her laughter.

Thoreau is still flustered. “Wait, what is going on? Are… Are you here to… take him away? Please! Don’t!” But then he notices Beau’s silent chuckling. “What’s so funny, Beauregard? That hag sent your ‘friends’ here to take my son away, didn’t she?! And you… you’re _helping_ her! I can’t believe it! You’re twenty four, for gods’ sake, stop acting like a fool!”

Beau immediately stops laughing and glares at him. Of course, he wouldn’t know what day is today. She had a feeling he wouldn’t, but the confirmation still hurts more than she had anticipated. Even worse than the insinuation that she would even consider _helping_ that old crone… though “taking him away” is sounding more and more appealing by the minute.

**_“Well, he won’t have much of a choice. I wasn’t planning on asking him permission. TJ is not just his son, he is also your brother. You have the right to see him. You can see TJ now and speak to your father another time, when you have your voice back. You don’t have to sacrifice your relationship with your brother because you don’t have one with your father.”_ **

Feeling a little more bold by the memory of Yasha’s encouragement, she scoops up TJ literally without a word and starts to walk out the door.

“Hold it! Where are you going with my son?” Thoreau pauses, and a sudden realization crosses his mind. “Also… what is with those clothes? On vacation from the Soul? Did they kick you out? Did you fail my expectations _again_?!”

“She’d explain, but she’s rather quiet right now and--”

Thoreau’s gaze turns to Veth. “What? What do you mean, ‘quiet’?!”

“Uh, Beauregard, don’t worry about us. Go have fun with your brother,” Caleb interrupts him, and Beau nods to her “older brother” and heads out the front door before she could lose her shit at the worst possible time.

So far, so good… even with the slip-ups.

But she is beyond caring. She just wants to be with her brother, especially today.

Making their way down to the town square, Beau wastes no time having such a nice moment with TJ. She won’t lie, this is truly a happy moment for her, and she is sure that he is feeling the same way. It’s a lot more time than they had before, and she is determined to make the most of it.

Watching the geysers spew, spending time surveying the otherwise dreary scenery, and even playing tag with each other, Beau feels more than a little wistful. This is the kind of life she wishes she had before. It makes her think back to the other children she had found herself crossing paths with in the past year or so.

Toya, the dwarven songstress from the carnival whom Beau genuinely wanted to help even though it led to a brief stint in the stockade. And while she did feel a little guilty for choking her into unconsciousness, it was worth it because otherwise the devil toad could’ve killed them. She still wonders on occasion if she still holds a grudge against Beau, and how she’d react to her now, seeing a completely different person from the dropout she once was.

The Schuster kids in Hupperdook, deeply missing their parents after they were unfairly sent to the Gearhold Prison and the subsequent task the Nein undertook to get them free that brought them face-to-face with a clockwork golem-like creature that the Tinkertops wanted scrapped.

Kiri, the abandoned kenku that they saved in the Labenda swamp, a child whom deep down she saw as being like a daughter to her and the Nein. It brought her to tears, the moment they left her in the care of the Schuster family, the act itself being the first selfless act she’d taken and feeling quite fulfilled. Even more so because it was literally the last time the Mighty Nein as they were when they first met were still whole.... before the Iron Shepherds changed everything.

Treece, the kid on Rumblecusp who demonstrated a knack for using bottle rockets. Asar, Nila’s little boy that she saw needed to get the hell out of the Sour Nest as soon as possible. And of course Veth and Yeza’s son Luc who warmed up to them all very quickly; if anything, she could be a good aunt-like figure to the little halfling in time.

Beau didn’t quite realize it until now, but she has quite a knack for dealing with children. She loves children, and she loves relating to them so well, as if she is making up for how squandered her own childhood was. Maybe… one day she would like to know what it’s like to raise a child, alongside Yasha. Of course, just the thought of being a mother scares her, as she worries that she’ll just make horrible mistakes. And yet… it could just be yet another challenge for her to overcome.

It’s a possible future for her. And if how she handled Kiri along with Jester and Yasha was any indication, she might have a knack for being a parent after all.

Beau and TJ spend some more time together, just being a happy brother and sister without a care in the world… when she suddenly hears a low rumble from afar and raises her head. The sky was grey when they arrived earlier in town, but now, dark clouds are piling up on the horizon. There is a flash of lightning and she can clearly see two eyes forming.

More specifically… the eyes are forming right over the house. _Their_ house.

_What the hell?_

“Sistah!”

Beau sees TJ crying and whimpering. She holds TJ close, as if to protect him from the blinding lightning. She isn’t sure what is going on… but a deep lump of anxiety settles hard in her gut. Without thinking, Beau stands up with TJ clinging onto her, holding on for dear life, and she is _running_ as fast as possible. As the storm continues to rumble with increasing intensity, she understands now more than ever that something was going on. Something wrong.

She needs to get to her parents’ house, now.

* * *

“What’s going on? Something happened to her, didn’t it? Why was she not speaking?! What did you mean by ‘quiet’?!” Thoreau yells.

Fjord tries his best to keep things at bay. “She is fine, Mr. Lionett, don’t worry. Be sure that we took care of her and she’s going to be okay.”

“Why won’t you tell me what happened?”

Thoreau is restless. He seems to be showing genuine concern despite his lost composure, but it’s always hard to tell for sure with him. Even if he is actually concerned, is it for good reasons or is he once again making it all about him?

Fjord looks at his friends, seeking support. Caleb clears his throat and steps forward.

“Some people… did... something to her. But as Fjord said, she is alright. We’re going to find a solution very soon.”

“What are you not telling me?”

“We are not trying to hide anything from you, _Herr_ Lionett. Beauregard should be the one to tell you. She explicitly asked us to leave it to her, we are only respecting her wish.”

“So she would rather play with my son than explain to her parents what’s going on?!”

“Her brother.”

Everybody looks at Yasha. So far, she has been staying apart from the group, awfully quiet. She is leaning against the side of the fireplace, with her arms crossed on her chest, and she is staring right at Thoreau with a deadpan expression on her face.

“He’s not just your son, he’s her brother, and she just asked for a few minutes with him before telling you about something that caused her a lot of pain. Do you think you can wait just a little longer?”

Her posture is relaxed as she is speaking, and still, her ominous tone makes her look very threatening at this moment.

Thoreau is visibly abashed, but he tries to compose himself. “You’re right. He’s her brother too. But you, who are you to her? You’re definitely not from these parts. Are you from the other side of the border or something? Some Xhorhasian savage.”

Yasha stares at him, not saying anything despite the scathing insults. They are just sticks and stones to her. Besides, she knows that the Nein don’t see her that way. But even so, last time they were here, they were all avoiding conflict. But not this time. They all step closer to Yasha in unison, circling her as a living shield. They know she doesn’t need protection, but it is just instinctual at this point, just like that time they surrounded Caleb when he faced Trent Ikithon.

Jester grabs Yasha’s arm. “We’re Beau’s friends.”

Caleb lifts his chin up a little bit. There is pride in his eyes when he speaks. “Her family.”

Thoreau is furious at this point. “ _Her family_ ? That’s nonsense. You weren’t the ones who raised her as a child. At best, you spent a few years with her-- Hell, what am I saying? A few _months_! And you think you know her like I do?”

Clara steps closer to her husband. “Thoreau, calm down.”

He turns to his wife and raises his voice as he points a finger at her. “Stay out of it!” Clara immediately shrinks. He focuses back on Yasha and he looks even angrier. “I’m her father and I deserve to know the truth!”

Yasha scoffs, “You think you deserve anything? You think she owes you anything?”

“I raised her--”

“No.” Yasha unfolds her arms and stands right. “No, you didn’t. You made her miserable for years, that’s what you did. This wasn’t a home to her. It was a _cage_.”

“How dare you?” He is so angry to be challenged that he starts shaking. “I welcomed you here, into _my_ house, and you come accusing me of such things. I tried my best, but she was impossible!”

“She was impossible because you made her.”

Thoreau clenches his fists. “I don’t know any of you people, and yet, I was willing to show any friends of hers respect. But you--”

"Just like you did when you bailed your daughter out of jail but not her partner?”

Everyone is now staring at Yasha, who realizes too late that this was a matter that Beau only shared with her. But she is beyond caring. So she elaborates. 

“Before being sent to the Soul, Beau had a ‘partner in crime’. Her name was Tori, and they grew close. She was Beau’s first love. And yet, she was left to rot in jail while you bailed Beau out. Shouldn't Tori have also been shown respect?"

Thoreau’s eye twitches. Yasha can tell she struck a nerve. And yet, he continues to try to project some sort of presence in his own home. “She told you about that, did she? Did she tell you how--”

“Yes, she did tell me. And not just that.” As she is speaking, Yasha starts pushing the others aside and slowly walks toward Thoreau. “She told me how you treated her like she was nothing, how you made her feel like she didn’t matter, like her voice didn’t matter.” She stops when she is right in front of him. She is much taller than him and she is figuratively and literally looking down on him. “Well, guess what?” She heavily and meticulously hammers every single word. “Her voice. Does. Matter.”

Right as she speaks these last words, there is a roll of a thunder in the distance as Yasha stares right into Thoreau’s eyes. She knows fear when she sees it and she can tell that right now, apart from anger, he is feeling fear, although he is trying very hard to hide it. With each passing second, he seems to be trembling more.

“I’m an honorable man. I tried my best to raise her well and be a good father.”

“You already said that last time. But you know what they say, actions speak louder than words, and well, your actions showed nothing but an unloving and disrespectful man.”

Clara tries to interfere. “Please, stop. We just need to calm down and--”

Yasha briefly looks at her. “I’m sorry to interrupt you and silence you, Mrs. Lionett, but I think I’m doing everybody a great service here, including you.” She turns back to Thoreau. “You really think you’re an honorable man?”

“I-” For the first time, he shows some signs of hesitation. “I don’t know if I am, but I know Beauregard is ungrateful and she will never recognize that we did our best.”

“Don’t you dare.”

There is another rumble of thunder. Even if they are inside, they all look up worriedly, except Yasha and Thoreau, who are glaring at each other.

Thoreau grits his teeth. “She never showed any appreciation for what we did for her.”

“And what exactly did you do for her?”

“We offered her a good life, a good education. Hell, she is where she is now because we sent her to the Cobalt Soul. She is proud of being an Expositor, and she should, but that happened thanks to us.”

“No, it did not.”

“We were the ones who made the decision.”

“Yeah, exactly!” Yasha is raising her voice now. “ _You_ made the decision to send her away and _she_ got the best out of it.” She steps forward, forcing Thoreau to back off. “Her accomplishments have nothing to do with you. She forged her own path and she doesn’t owe you anything.”

Thoreau’s back hits the wall and Yasha is now towering over him, but his vanity keeps him going. “Clearly, she doesn’t. But apparently it doesn’t matter anymore. She’s clearly no longer a part of the Soul, since she’s no longer wearing their colors. I should’ve known she wouldn’t measure up. My fault for daring to think she could. Always a misfortune, always a disappointment in the end. But whatever those people did to her, the people you claim to have ‘done something’ to her, I hope they were able to teach her the lesson I wasn’t able to teach her myself.”

“And what’s that lesson, if I may ask?” Her glare is more threatening than ever.

“She should show more gratitude instead of masquerading around, playing heroes. She’s not worthy of recognition if she can’t show that to her own family first. She was better off staying here, _knowing her place_.”

Thunder claps, this time much louder than previously. At the exact same time, the wall cracks as Yasha’s fist pounds the stone right next to Thoreau’s head and she stares him down. She can see his limbs are shaking violently and if she is honest with herself, she likes it. She likes it a lot. In some way, Obann was right about her. There is a darkness inside of her, and while she tries to keep it inside of her most of the time, sometimes, she lets it out, just like she is doing right now.

Seeing him so weak and terrified is thrilling. As soon as she hit the wall, his pretense instantly dropped. He is pathetic and she feels nothing but disdain and hatred for him.

“You want to weigh worthiness? Let’s play.”

For the first time since the beginning of the confrontation, her friends are really worried. Fjord steps forward. “Yasha, calm down.”

She completely ignores him and stays focused on Thoreau.

“You remember the last time, when we all left your home after talking to you about the hag? Right after we left, I saw something I never wanted to see, that I hope I never see again for the rest of my days. I saw a woman -- a confident, brave, intelligent, compassionate, brilliant fighter of a woman -- utterly broken. By _you_. And again when we actually confronted that hag. And do you want to know the truth? Your daughter -- the one you cast out -- offered to go into exile, for a friend. The goblin girl whom you were disgusted with the last time we were here?” She quickly points at Veth, the halfling grimacing slightly before Yasha speaks again, the muted sound of thunder continuing to rumble outside the manor. “That’s her. And Beauregard, your daughter, offered to sacrifice it all for this woman. **_For a mother wanting to be happy with her husband and son._ ** Because she thought that her time with us was going to end. She thought that she had to control how she would lose it all. Because of you.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Yasha noticed Clara visibly flinch. But she continues to berate the man that crushed the spirit of someone she cared about very deeply.

“If you thought you saw me angry last time, you’re wrong. Let me show you what anger really looks like.” She is almost snarling. “What did _you_ accomplish in your life? Nothing. You're not worthy of your success. It was given to you. You were nothing without that hag's offer, and you're still nothing now. Even if you had built all of this yourself, what do you have to even show for your accomplishment? A winery? Compared to your blossoming daughter, you're a wilted weed. She has accomplished far more than you. She's brokered peace between nations. She's prevented the unsealing of a god. She's become a valuable and respectable member of society. And all of that? It all happened without you. In spite of you. You're not worthy of being her father. Compared to her, you're not even worth the bottles carrying your _godsdamned fucking wine!_ "

Thoreau is frozen, unable to move or speak.

“So yes, you’re the one who sent her to the Cobalt Soul, but she didn’t wait for you to accomplish great things. She was great before that, you just didn’t let her show it. You silenced her. You chained her. You quashed the future that she was willing to accept because you thought it a waste of time. Because she didn’t do it your way. And while I think you helped her when you chose to send her away, I will just repeat what she said last time we were here.” She leans down and her face is just inches away from Thoreau’s. “How could you think this was a _fucking_ good idea, **_sir_ **?”

There is a long pause. She could swear Thoreau is about to pass out.

“Now, you stay the fuck away from her if she asks you to and you don’t demand anything from her. No explanations, no gratitude, _nothing_.”

At this exact moment, Beauregard flings the door open and it hits the wall. As soon as she is inside, she puts TJ down and rushes into the salon. She enters right as Yasha, who is buried so deep into her own rage that she didn’t notice her, is hammering a few more words.

“But by gods, if you try to hurt her again, I won't let you. Never again. I won’t lose her. I won’t lose the only other loving soul to take root in mine! **_Do you fucking hear me?!_ **"

Beau freezes in the doorway. She has rarely been so shocked. She is deeply humbled by the sheer devotion she hears in Yasha’s voice.

But then, she sees pure rage in her eyes, just like the one that is burning in them when she is in the middle of a battle. She is suddenly terrified when she realizes what could have happened, and could still happen. But she is not worried about her father. She is worried about Yasha. She can’t let her emotions get the best of her, this is not who she is.

Beau’s fear is so strong that she doesn’t think. Her instinct kicks in as she walks forward to pull Yasha away from her father.

_No… No, don’t do it, Yasha! He’s not worth it!_

It’s no use. She can’t sign in time to get her attention, can’t clap her hands loud enough to drown out the rage in her mind. She strains to get even a syllable out, but can’t. Why can’t she do it even now? Fuck this curse!

_Oh, come on. Just for once, work you fucking voice! WORK! Please, Yasha, I love you, NO!_

Yasha pulls back her arm, and Beau knows what’s about to happen. She’s about to literally punch his head off. She’s helpless, utterly helpless, continuing to mouth her name in vain.

The arm is fully pulled back, Yasha’s teeth gritting. No turning back. Still Beau makes one final, desperate plea from the bottom of her heart.

_No, please gods, no! Yasha! No! Yasha! No! Yasha! No!_

And then…

**“Yasha! No!”**

She is about to reach Yasha’s arm, but she stops midway. Yasha instantly turns her head and stares at her. There is no longer any sign of her rage left in her eyes, just pure surprise and shock. Every member of the Mighty Nein is looking right at Beau with their eyes wide open and their mouth ajar.

And by the time Yasha is barely able to stutter a few words, even Beau realizes what the fuck just happened.

“Did- Did you just speak?”

“I-” Beau stops. Her voice is extremely hoarse and she needs to cough and clear her throat several times. How is this possible? How… is she able to…?

“I think so?”

Silence falls around.

Everybody has a hard time processing what is happening, mostly Beau and Yasha. This whole situation seems so surreal. They stare at each other for a long moment.

Yasha’s voice is just a whisper when she speaks. “How?”

“I- I don’t know.” Beau tries to compose herself and to stay focused on what she was about to do. “Can- Can you step back, please? I don’t want you to do something you will regret.” As she finishes speaking, Yasha completely turns away from Thoreau.

Suddenly, it feels like there is nothing or no one else around, just the two of them.

Yasha is still in shock, so much so that she almost stumbles when she walks over. As she comes in front of Beau, she feels her hands shaking. “How is that possible?”

Beau’s answer remains unchanged “I don’t know. I mean, I just saw a storm brewing over the house and I knew it involved you and I was desperate to stop you and I only wished that I could speak because I wanted to say it from the heart and I was so tired of only being able to THINK it and I--”

Beau stops abruptly. **_"Sometimes it's better to speak with your heart than with your mind."_ ** _Wasn’t that what--_ And just as sure as a lightning bolt, the realization strikes and shocks Beau to the core. _Thelyss, you motherfucker! You knew! You should’ve told me and yet you didn’t and even if you did I--_

 **_“You may take my words at face value, or you may not.”_ ** _So that’s it. He knew he couldn’t say it straight out, because I wouldn’t believe him. Clever._

“Beau? Are you okay? Please don’t tell me you just lost it again.”

Yasha’s voice slows down the storm of thoughts inside Beau’s head, providing a brief moment of clarity. Of course Essek knew, and of course he couldn’t tell her; would she have believed a traitor like him? So he used a bit of half-truthing to give her the solution.

_Guess that’s yet another favor I owe him. But not now. No time to dwell on that._

“Y-Yeah. I’m fine. Just… mulling over something. But who cares?! I- I can-” She is so emotional that she precisely can’t speak.

“You have your voice back.”

“I do.”

They fall into each other’s arms at the same time. Beau is on her tiptoes to be able to wrap her arms around Yasha’s neck. It is a bit ridiculous, but most of all, it is a lovely sight. Beau is on the verge of tears and she can feel Yasha’s shoulders shivering.

She suddenly realizes she can say it. She can finally say it out loud. It makes her even more emotional. Her voice is still a bit hoarse for not having been used for so long when she whispers right into Yasha’s ear.

“I love you.”

Yasha is certain her heart just stopped.

Her whole body is tingling. She tightens her grip around Beau’s small frame, not caring that she could crush her in her arms.

“I love you too.”

She just has time to speak the words before numerous other arms wrap around both of them. Soon, they are tightly held in a group hug.

Jester is crying a bit. “Beau, you can speak again!”

“I can.”

Veth is ecstatic. “You can be an asshole again! I’ve missed your abrasive comments so much!”

Jester elbows Veth in the rib, albeit mostly playfully. "Not now, you!"

They all can't help but share a laugh at that and the scene around them and come closer to each other.

After a moment, Beau gets startled when she feels two tiny hands grab her leg. She looks down and sees her brother hanging onto her. “Sistah!”

She crouches down and takes him in her arms to bring him in the hug. “Oh, TJ! I love you, little man! I love you, I love you, I love you!”

Yasha smiles at the sight, and then at Beau. “What do you say we take your brother with us and we _all_ go out for a walk?”

Beau nods her head with a renewed vigor. “I would love that. But I have something to do first.”

She puts TJ into Yasha’s arms and the barbarian panics a bit as she grabs him. She doesn’t really know how to hold a child, but she does her best and he soon starts playing with one of her hair jewels. She can’t help the grin growing on her face.

While all of this was happening, Thoreau doesn’t move. Clara and he are standing next to each other, both in shock. Beau approaches the two of them, just briefly glancing at a reflection of herself in a mirror. Her hair is still down, after she loaned her ribbon to TJ. Much like she mentioned back in Zadash, she feels like she’s gone back in time, from before she started to cut her hair as a sign of her then-fledgling rebellious spirit. Only, she sees it in who she is now, a woman in her prime not even in her thirties yet, a prodigy Expositor of the Cobalt Soul.

Or rather, the Expositor that she can be again now that she is no longer silenced.

Caleb was right. It did look nice this way. _Note to self: thank Caleb for the compliment later. Gods_ damn _, I look good_.

Grinning inside yet still maintaining her poker face, she stands in front of them and meets the gaze of her father.

“Dad?”

He looks at her but doesn’t respond.

“You know, you were right on one thing. Last time we visited, at first we came because we needed to ask you about the hag for Veth. But you know…” She briefly falters and takes some time to compose herself. The emotion from the recent and mysterious return of her voice is still present, and she is struggling to build up the courage to finally speak honestly with her father. “Deep down, I truly hoped it would be the beginning of something new. I thought, maybe, we could build a real relationship, you and I. But as you said, I wouldn’t come if I didn’t want something, right?”

Thoreau remains silent. It is clear that his confrontation with Yasha has shaken him up.

“So yeah, you’re right. Now, when I visit you, I’ll come because I want something: my baby brother, the only other flesh-and-blood that I truly love. I wanna be a part of his life and I want him to be part of mine, and I won’t let you keep me from that with your toxic behavior. So even if it’s fucking painful to step inside of this fucking house, I will keep doing it. And if someday you realize that you too want to be part of my life, well…” She needs to stop again to take a deep breath. “You will have to earn it. I am done. Do you hear me? I won’t fight to get your attention or approval, I don’t need it. So it’s your choice now. If you don’t want to be a part of my life, I don’t fucking care. I don’t need you. I-”

Beau stops and slowly turns to her friends. They are all looking at her and she can see pride in their eyes. Yasha nods. She turns back to face her father again.

“I found my family, and they gave me what you never could. They love me for who I am. Yeah, I’m your daughter. I’m Beauregard Lionett. But I’m also of the Mighty Nein. And they are more of a family than you will ever be.” Beau then makes a sidelong glance toward Caduceus, then to Yasha, and then back to her old man. “Their patience, their love… it saved me. From you, and from myself. You may never understand, and that’s fine. But at the very least, from the day you had me sent away, I was able to leave this house and my past better than what I found it. For that, at least… thank you. But don’t get your hopes up, you still have to work for it… if you fucking can, that is.”

Thoreau is speechless, so is Clara.

A joyful shriek breaks the silence. Beau turns to TJ, who is stretching his hands toward her and stirring in Yasha’s arms. She smiles and joins her friends. She takes her brother from Yasha’s hold and faces her parents.

“We’re taking TJ out for a while again.” She is not asking permission. “We will take care of him, don’t worry.”

Clara hesitantly steps forward, so that she is standing past Thoreau, something Beau has never seen her do before. “Just don’t bring him home too late, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Clara then steps closer and hesitantly opens her arms to hug her children. Beau glances at the energetic TJ in her arms, then accepts the hug. Clara then whispers, “I’m proud of you, Beauregard. And I’m happy for you. You’re brave when I could never be.”

Beau nods, fighting back a tear, and whispers back, “Love you, Mom.” She then notices past her mother’s shoulder that Thoreau is fidgeting ever so slightly, almost as if he was… envious of the affection his wife was giving, not to him but to both of her children.

“Will you and TJ be okay once I leave town?”

She feels Clara nod. “I… I think so. I think your father is going to have a lot to think about. But I… _we_ will be okay. Just… don’t be gone too long.”

Beau nods, then breaks the hug. She then looks down at TJ. “Hey, little man. Wanna head out for a bit?” She can’t help but beam a smile as TJ’s own blue eyes widen with youthful awe and nods excitedly. “Out, out!”

Yasha steps forward, addressing the elder Lionetts, but mostly Clara, putting a warm hand on Beau’s shoulder. “We’ll be back soon. And don’t worry, I’ll watch out for your kid. For both of them.”

Clara nods and before she even acknowledges Thoreau’s reaction, she ushers the younger Lionetts out of the house, the rest of the Nein waiting for them at the threshold of the front door.

“Wanna walk, little man?”

TJ nods enthusiastically and Beau puts him down. She crouches a bit to hold the tiny hand still wrapped in her ribbon and the group starts heading out of the property. As the Nein cross the doorstep, Beau stops and pauses for a moment and turns back to Clara, still avoiding Thoreau’s gaze… and extends her hand to her mother.

“Wanna come with? I just think today’s a good day for a nice change of pace.”

Clara is left with a wide stare for a while, mentally processing what is happening… and her eyes widen slightly and meet her daughter’s gaze. “I… I have nothing for you.”

Beau smiles, perhaps the kindest she’s given in so long. “Technically, you do. Or did." She looks past Clara in Thoreau's general direction but not at him. "I think I've earned them now, don't you think?!"

No response. Typical. “Then we’re all heading out. Don’t wait up for us.”

Clara smiles back and, without looking back or waiting to hear his response, she takes Beau’s hand and closes the front door behind her. The storm passed as quickly as it came, no doubt because Yasha’s rage has been quelled, but the surrounding fields still have that fresh rainwater smell. Looking at the Nein and taking in their confused stares, she's reminded that no one else was informed.

“So, um… where are we going? Kamordah is not quite known for its… hospitality. We don’t have any fancy inns or dining--”

“No need to worry, _Frau_ Lionett. I’ve taken the liberties of arranging for an excellent locale. Just one question: do you and TJ like cats?”

TJ beams up, “Cats!” He goes into an adorable imitation of a cat, which brings smiles to everybody’s face.

Clara tilts her head a bit toward the ginger wizard and smiles. “Yes, but what does that have to do with having dinner someplace?”

“Oh, you’re in for a fucking treat, Mom!” Beau speaks aloud, and Clara can’t help but notice just how much… brighter her little girl is right now. “Come on! You too, TJ!”

“Yay!”

Surrounded by the Mighty Nein, the trio of mother, daughter, and son slowly make their way toward the city. But as they walk…

"So Beau… you gonna finally tell us the deets?" Veth asks.

Beau sighs. Well it was only a matter of time. She turns to Clara and TJ.

"Well… surprise. I'm here, Mom." Clara Lionett is just all smiles as she looks at her daughter.

She then pulls her, as well as her son, into another embrace.

**"Happy birthday, baby girl."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! Beau has her voice back! And Thoreau got served a heaping helping of humble pie. More than one, in fact.
> 
> However... that doesn't mean the story is over, nor is Beau's own dilemma. But for now... sweet victory.
> 
> Also, since we still don't have canon birth dates for any of the Mighty Nein, I made one up. So in this story, Beau's birthday is the 14th of Quen'pillar... and it is now her 25th.


	11. I'm A Funny Dame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a funny dame, maybe I don't say I love you/Maybe sometimes I don't exactly show I love you  
> Though I'm not much at saying to you "Thank you"/I'm yours just the same  
> I'm a funny dame, even though my heart is filling/Guess I can't say why I can't be soft and clinging  
> Sure, I know it's wrong, but that's how I am/I'm a funny dame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dinner and a party at the Nein-Sided Tower, as mother and daughter and son take some much-needed time to properly bond as a family.
> 
> Consider this one massive dose of catharsis and healing. A very big breather chapter.

As soon as they leave the estate, they go straight to an inn where they take rooms and ask for a big wardrobe, but the owner has none. Caleb insists and offers a nice amount of gold pieces, which is enough to convince the woman. She provides a small cupboard for lack of any bigger piece of furniture and Jester and Yasha carry it upstairs and into one of the nine rooms they are renting.

When they leave, the owner’s gaze lingers a bit longer on Clara. No doubt she knows who she is and is a bit surprised to see her here, without her husband in addition. However, she doesn’t comment.

As they are going upstairs, Clara leans toward Beau and whispers, “What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see. Believe me, you don’t want me to spoil the surprise for TJ and you.”

Clara keeps an intrigued expression but doesn’t ask any more questions.

TJ doesn’t pay much attention to the conversation going on. Clara is carrying him up the stairs and suddenly, he leans so far that he could fall down if she wasn’t used to it and didn’t hold onto him, and he reaches out for Beau. He runs his fingers through her hair again, like he did earlier when they were reunited.

“You like my hair like that, little man?”

“Yes! You beautiful!”

Contrary to his previous attempts at verbal communication with her, where he was babbling and she couldn’t make out exactly what he was saying, his pronunciation is better this time and she easily understands. Her expression instantly turns into one of deep affection and she smiles.

“Thanks, TJ.”

They get to one of the rooms and once everyone is inside, Caleb closes the door behind them. Jester and Yasha put the cupboard down and he takes a look at it. The piece of furniture is not massive. It goes up to Jester’s hips approximately and there is a set of drawers in the middle and one door on each side of it.

“Not ideal as cover, but it should work. Though it will probably not be easy for some of you to enter.” He eyes Caduceus and Yasha. “But it should be fine.”

“Reminds me of a book I read,” Jester snarks. “A few, in fact.”

He gets to work and starts the casting ritual. Clara whispers into Beau’s ear again. “What is he doing?”

She seems slightly worried and Beau offers a smile. She knows her mother is not originally as superstitious as her father, but after years, he probably rubbed off on her. Besides, Kamordah is quite isolated from the rest of the Empire and is not known for its magic practitioners.

“He’s just casting a spell, nothing to worry about. You’re going to discover all the incredible things magic can do in just a while.”

TJ stirs into Clara’s arms to be let down. She puts him on the ground and he walks toward Caleb, who is crouching down. He stops next to the wizard and holds onto his shoulder.

Caleb turns, “Hey, there.”

TJ briefly looks at him and then focuses on his hands and the components he is pulling out of his pouch to cast his spell.

Beau watches from afar. Once again, her heart fills up with love. There is something incredibly fulfilling in the sight of her brothers, blood and found, standing side by side and focusing on the same task. She’s known both of them for a very short period of time, in comparison to her twenty-five years of existence, but she knows very well that she couldn’t live without them now.

Caleb opens one of the cupboard’s doors. He arranges all the components, places Calianna’s wand, and uses chalk to draw while muttering. An amber-colored portal appears and he turns to the group, “Alright, it’s done.”

TJ walks forward and holds onto the doorframe to peek inside. Caleb tilts his head to the side, “It seems you’re a curious one, and not scared of the unknown on top of that.” He turns to look at Beau, “Reminds me of someone.”

The two heart-siblings share affectionate smiles.

Fjord steps next to Caleb, “It’s gonna be a tight fit for our two friends.”

“Well, sadly, we’ll have to work with what we were given. I’m not worried about them, they’re gonna find a way to squeeze in.” And with that, Caleb crawls inside of the cupboard and disappears.

Clara gasps and panics, “Where did he go?!”

“It’s okay, Mom. It’s safe.”

“But he disappeared!”

“No, he didn’t. Look,” she points at the portal and Caleb's silhouette is visible, with stained glass behind him. “I wouldn’t bring TJ and you somewhere you would be in danger.”

Jester smiles, “Stay here.” She goes to the cupboard and just like Caleb, she bends down to go inside and through the portal.

TJ looks more and more intrigued -- but not afraid -- by what is happening right in front of him but that he can’t comprehend.

Clara jumps when she hears a voice in her head: “Hey, it’s me again. Come join Caleb and me inside. It’s gonna be great, you’ll see! It’s fun here, there are aqueducts for cats.”

She turns to Beau and looks at her with a puzzled expression, “Aqueducts for cats? Where are you taking us?”

Beau chuckles, “Jester…” she says in a sigh, “Just trust me. As I said, I really don’t want to spoil the surprise. You’re gonna love it, I swear.”

Clara seems slightly less nervous and nods.

One by one, they all go inside the cupboard. The maneuver is easier for some than it is for others. Veth goes inside without an issue, the door practically a standard door for her. Fjord has to wiggle a little for his shoulders to fit in -- despite all Veth’s teasing, they had gotten a bit broader since he started training with Beau. Caduceus has to deal with his height. When Yasha’s turn comes, she has to work with both of these issues.

“Ugh… I’m… a little stuck here...”

Beau can’t help but giggle, yet Yasha can’t even be mad at her. Hearing her laugh again is a blessing to her ears.

“You can make fun of me, but please help me.”

Beau quickly comes to the rescue and within a few seconds, Yasha gets inside the cupboard. The Lionetts are the only ones left.

Beau turns to her mother, “Shall we?”

Clara joins her and Beau looks at her brother. “It should be an easy one for you, little man. You’ll go after Mom and I’ll be right behind you.” TJ nods enthusiastically. “Are you ready to go in or should we wait a little longer?”

TJ is so excited that he doesn’t wait for his mother to go first.

“TJ!” Clara panics and immediately goes after him. They both disappear into the cupboard. Beau feels a smile grow on her face. _At least, I won’t have to convince Mom to go._

She closes the door behind her as she is the last one to enter. When she arrives in the tower, her mother is catching up with TJ, “Don’t do that ever again!” Her tone is not lecturing, just worried.

TJ doesn’t pay much mind to his mother. He is deeply absorbed into the discovery of his surroundings. Beau smiles. She knew it would have this effect on him. Soon, Clara’s fear vanishes and she, too, admires the scenery around her.

“What the hell?”

Beau grins. It hasn’t been long for Clara to loosen up and use a more casual language than usual. TJ goes to one of the stained glasses and puts his hands on it, pointing at a precise piece. “Green!”

Beau joins him. “Yep, it’s green. Your favorite color.”

Caleb enthusiastically claps his hands. “Come, come!” He is not as excited as he was the first time he gave a tour to his friends, but almost. “We have much to see.”

He goes upstairs and they all follow. Once they are on the central platform, he starts slowly levitating up. Clara witnesses this strange phenomenon with wide eyes, while TJ shrieks in joy. He is ecstatic. He starts jumping, probably trying to imitate Caleb. Beau offers her hand and he takes it, the ribbon still around his arm.

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

She walks him to the center and they all gather here as she looks at her mother and brother, “You just need to think ‘up’ and you’ll float to the next floor.” She lets go of TJ’s hand and her feet leave the ground. “Just like that.”

Both Clara and TJ are in awe. Fjord just speaks the word “up” like he always does -- it’s become a running joke at this point -- and joins Beau in the air. TJ gets more and more excited and just like Fjord, he says the word out loud. Clara is still a bit tense, but she slowly rises toward her two children. Jester, Yasha, Veth and Caduceus join them and soon, they are all floating in the air.

Veth swims toward TJ, “It’s fun, isn’t it?”

TJ answers with a loud laughter.

“Come on, let’s do a few spins!”

As they are elevating, Veth tries to get momentum, though it’s hard to do so mid-air. She grabs her legs and goes into a series of slow spins. TJ tries to do the same, but he can’t get enough momentum.

“Here, let me help you,” Beau joins him and gently pushes him once he is holding onto his legs. “Look, you’re doing it!”

Clara’s worry comes back right away, “Beauregard, be careful.”

Beau just smiles. “He’s safe, Mom. I guess he doesn’t get to enjoy himself very often at home. I don’t exactly remember it as the happiest place in the world, and I think it’s not very different now.”

Clara remains silent, but the lack of answer speaks for her. “Let him have a bit of fun for once, without Dad’s over-protectiveness to smother him.”

Clara nods in agreement and seems to relax a bit. “Yeah, you’re right. And it’s your birthday, after all. We should enjoy the night.”

At this moment, Jester interferes in the conversation, “About that… Beau, why didn’t you tell us?”

“I…” she suddenly seems ill-at-ease, “I didn’t want to make it a big deal.”

“But it _is_ a big deal! So, how old are you now? You never told us.”

“Twenty-five,” she says coyly, as she sees TJ having the time of his life with Veth.

“Only twenty-five?” Jester replies, her voice a bit sad. “That’s too young for you to be this troubled, Beau.”

“And don’t I know it.”

They reach the third floor, where the salon is, and stop there.

“ _Zu._ ”

Caleb refrains his own enthusiasm and takes a moment before going into a proper tour of the tower. He turns to Beau. “I didn’t want to assume too much, but you seem to give at least some kind of importance to that day, so you should have told us.”

Beau doesn’t say anything. He can see she’s embarrassed and he doesn’t insist.

All of a sudden, Fjord takes a very straight stance. “We never got to properly introduce ourselves, Mrs. Lionett.”

“Please, call me Clara.”

He solemnly bows his head, “ _Captain_ Fjord Stone,” the half-orc says with unexpected, if exaggerated, pride.

Jester chuckles and Veth grins. They’re all at least a bit amused by his goofiness.

“But you can call me Fjord.”

“Nice to meet you, Fjord.”

No one seems to go next, so Beau takes things into her own hands and proceeds to introduce them.

“This is Jester, Jester Lavorre.”

“Hi,” the little blue tiefling reaches out and Clara shakes her hand. “It’s very nice to meet you, even if I’ve already talked to you inside your head before.”

Beau smiles, “She’s my best friend and quite literally the life of the party.”

“I’m glad to be properly introduced to the voice in my head.”

Beau then turns to the halfling, “This is Veth Brenatto. The smallest of us, but one of the bravest.”

“Hi. How you are?” the rogue asks with a grin.

Jester scowls at her, “Stop it!”

Veth doesn’t retort, but her grin widens and a mischievous expression appears on her face.

Clara seems a bit unsettled, but also endeared, “So… You are the one Beauregard was trying to help when she came to ask about the hag, right?”

“Yes, that’s me. I’m glad your daughter didn’t have to sacrifice everything to bring me back to my true form.”

“I-- I’ll explain later, Mom.”

Clara looks at Beau with a puzzled look. “That would be great, indeed.” She looks back at Veth. “Someone said you had a family?”

“I do. I’m married to an amazing man, Yeza, and I have a lovely boy, Luc. He’s not much older than this one in fact,” she says as she points at TJ, who has been standing at his mother’s side, suddenly very quiet now that the tone is more solemn. “Though I bet he’s not as good with a crossbow.“

Beau smacks Veth upside the head with Belabor. “Veth! He’s **_three_ ** ! Your boy is barely **_four_ **!”

“They’re still very bright boys--” Veth doesn’t even get to finish her retort before being blasted by the staff’s force wave. Despite the brief stint of violence, it’s enough to get TJ laughing and squealing again, and that’s enough for Beau. Even Veth notices and smiles sheepishly, content with letting it slide.

“Well, I don’t have all the elements to help me understand what exactly happened,” Clara says, “but I’m glad too that my daughter didn’t sacrifice everything.”

Veth looks at Beau and shrugs with a sorry expression, but Beau doesn’t seem upset and instead moves on to the resident “therapist” of the group. “Next, we have Caduceus Clay.”

“Hello,” he says with a wave of his hand.

“He’s just as sweet as he seems to be.”

“Oh, thanks, that’s very nice, Beau.”

Beau looks back to her mother. “He prepares an excellent tea, you _have_ to try it, Mom!”

Jester intervenes, “Technically, he makes dead people tea.”

Clara is taken aback, “What is dead people tea?”

Fjord takes part too, “It’s delicious.”

Clara looks at each of them in turn as they all nod in agreement. She had figured this group wasn’t just like any other, but she is starting to realize how weird they really are.

“Long story short, Mom, he lives in a graveyard blessed by the Wildmother and grows tea leaves out of corpses. And they actually taste nice! Not enough to count as cannibalism or anything like that--”

Clara puts her hand on Beau’s shoulder. “Okay, okay!” She looks back to Caduceus, an apologetic look on her face. Caduceus, however, just smiles. “I’ll be honest, it's been a while since I’ve heard Beau ramble like that. It’s nice. I missed it.”

And so, just like Jester, Caduceus reaches out and shakes Clara’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Clara.”

Clara accepts the handshake and curtsies. “The pleasure is mine. I love your hair.”

Of all the things that Beau didn’t expect this afternoon, it’s the sight of Caduceus blushing at a genuine _compliment_. “Oh, thank you. Is this a family thing? The kindness, I mean.”

“Well, considering the points of reference...” Clara remarks as she chuckles a bit and looks at her elder child. Beau takes it in stride and walks over to Caleb. She places a hand on his shoulder.

“This is Caleb Widogast. He is one of the most powerful wizards I have ever encountered. And...” Intent on stealing Caleb’s thunder a bit, she snaps her own fingers. And surprisingly enough, out of the corner of the entryway emerges a familiar striped Bengal cat. “This is Frumpkin. He’s Caleb’s familiar… and essentially the family pet.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” he says sheepishly. “On all accounts.”

“No need to be so modest, Caleb. _You_ were the one who designed and created this entire tower,” Beau says as she pats the shoulder. Even Frumpkin mewls in agreement, apparently; having gotten used to the fey cat over the past year has made Beau more receptive to his mannerisms. She really grew to love the guy, in any and all forms.

Clara smiles. “Well, I have no knowledge whatsoever in magic, but this is very impressive.” She looks down at Frumpkin who is nuzzling her legs. “And you have an adorable familiar.”

TJ runs up to Frumpkin and is all wide-eyed, eager to pet him. The familiar gives TJ a whiff and immediately is endearing to him. A benefit to being of the same blood as his sister, perhaps. ”Frumpy!”’

Caleb forces a slight smile in return, embarrassed by the compliment, yet can’t help but be humored by these events. “It’s nothing, really.”

“I’ve known Caleb a long time. An Empire kid like me, and he’s from further up.” Beau pauses and looks at her friend, “The guy’s like a brother to me. And I love him very much.”

Caleb swiftly turns to look at her. He seems surprised, but after a short moment, he gives her a warm smile and a nod.

“Nice to meet you, Caleb. I look forward to visiting the tower you created.”

“And I look forward to giving you a tour, _Frau_ Lionett.”

“Clara,” she corrects with a smile. “And I’m glad that Beauregard has a friend like you that she treats like kin.”

“Clara it is.” He gives a bow of his head out of respect. “And thank you. She’s brilliant… if at times insufferable.”

Beau rolls her eyes. “Oh, I’m only getting started, Widogast. But for today, I’ll dial it back.”

As TJ continues to play a bit with Frumpkin, Beau notes that there is only one person left of their band of misfits. A short silence follows before Beau joins Yasha and stands next to her. She is suddenly much calmer and bashful.

“And this... is Yasha Nydoorin. She’s…” Beau suddenly feels like her teenage self again. She never got to introduce anyone to her parents growing up. She tries to hide the blush on her cheeks and wraps an arm around Yasha’s waist, while the latter puts her own over her shoulders. “She’s my girlfriend. And just a wonderful person.” Her pride, however, is not hidden when she speaks.

They share a look and a smile. This interaction, as simple as it is, tells a lot about the strength of their bond. Clara grins and TJ seems to suddenly forget about Frumpkin as he runs to the aasimar. “Ya’a!”

They all look down at him and ‘aw’ as he circles one of her legs, which he can barely do with his tiny arms.

Beau giggles, “Looks like you charmed more than one Lionett. But I can’t blame him for trying.”

TJ tries to climb up Yasha’s leg and she raises her eyebrows. “Er… What is he doing?”

Clara smiles, clearly endeared by the scene. “He does that when he wants to be carried.”

“By- By me?”

“Apparently. He can tell you’re a good person. I mean, look at you right now. You’re holding his sister so closely. He knows.”

“Is… Is it really okay?” Yasha asks with trepidation.

Clara nods. Yasha shoots a look at Beau, who smiles, “Just ask him, like Henry taught us, and if he wants and you want too, there’s no reason why you can’t carry him.”

Yasha looks down at TJ. This situation seems so surreal, not because she is about to ask him if he agrees to be carried, but because with the way she looks, she would have never thought such a young child would be seeking interaction with her. But Kiri and Luc were never afraid of her, after all.

“You… You want me to carry you?”

TJ vigorously nods and extends his hands up.

“O- Okay,” she bends down and grabs him under the arms. He laughs and shrieks when she stands back up.

As soon as she is holding him in her arms, he starts playing with the petals woven in her almost completely white hair, just like he did earlier. He lasts a moment, and then his attention shifts to Caduceus. He reaches out and the firbolg comes closer.

“Hey.”

TJ can’t quite reach him, but he keeps trying and seems to be seeking something specific.

“I- I don’t- Do you want something?”

He steps a little bit closer, until TJ can reach him. He immediately runs his hands through his pink hair. “Ah. So that’s what you wanted.”

Beau chuckles, “Aren’t you a bit obsessed, little man?”

TJ looks at her with a big smile on his face and puts locks of pink hair onto his own head.

“You want pink hair?”

“Pink hair! Pink hair!”

Caduceus chuckles. “Well, we’ll see what we can do once you are able to stick to a decision for more than two minutes, okay?” He looks at Clara. “He’s not going to have some adverse reaction to moss, is he?”

Clara looks a little concerned. “M-Moss?”

Caduceus points to some of the remaining moss growing on his armor and then to his hair. “That’s how I got this.”

Everyone is silent for a moment… and then they all laugh at once. TJ looks confused at first, but then he joins in, probably just for the sake of imitation.

Clara calms down first, “Well, I’m very happy to meet all of you. I can tell how important you are to my daughter, and I’m glad she found people who make her feel at ease.”

Smiles and looks are exchanged among the party and Beau takes the scene in. No lie, dinner with Clara and TJ, with actual introduction of her friends, and away from Thoreau? Unexpected. Even more so for her to be the one to invite them.

Caleb clears his throat, “Shall we go on a tour, now?”

“Of course! It would be my pleasure.”

Even if the Nein know the tower very well now, they all tag along.

* * *

Caleb shows them all the floors one by one. When they get to the guest room, Beau shortly hesitates. She is about to invite her mother and brother over for the night, but she refrains herself. Maybe later, when the evening has passed and she’s seen how things went. She hates that she feels like this, she is still a bit wary, anxiously waiting for the next disaster or tragedy.

They all agree to show their respective rooms. They intentionally skip Beau’s; it will be the last one they visit. TJ has a lot of fun in Fjord’s hammock and he is ecstatic when he sees Jester’s art supplies, even more than when he met Frumpkin earlier.

When they are done with the tour, they go back to the sixth floor.

“We’re going to get the dinner ready,” Fjord says with a thin smile.

Veth raises her eyebrows, “That’s what the cats are here for.”

Jester gently elbows her and she falls silent.

Fjord looks at Beau, “You can have some family time and show them your room. We will let you know when dinner is ready.”

They all levitate down. Yasha gives Beau a peck on the cheek, “Later,” and follows their friends. Clara looks with a mischievous smile.

Once they are all gone, Beau shakes herself back to reality. “Come on, you two. I’ll show you my room.”

The trio walks to her door and enters. As soon as he is inside, TJ runs all the way into the bedroom. He tries to get up on the large bed, but he is too small and starts whining in complaint.

Clara chuckles, “Always so eager, this one.” She turns to Beau, “Reminds me of someone.”

Beau smiles coyly.

“Can he go onto the bed?”

“Yes, of course.”

Clara carries him to put him on the bed. Beau looks at her brother when he bursts out in joyful babbling. She can’t quite understand what he is saying, but from the look of it, he seems very happy.

Clara must pick on her confusion, “Don’t worry. It won’t be long before you are able to understand his own language. Just give it a bit of time.”

Beau nods, and then focuses back on TJ, “Can we join you?”

“Mommy! Sistah!”

They interpret it as approval. Clara lays down next to her son, but Beau goes for a much more radical approach. She jumps and heavily lands onto the bed, thus sending TJ up into the air. Clara is propelled a bit as well. He bursts out with laughter and asks for more. She does it a couple times, until the three of them are laying down on the bed, tears of joy at the corner of their eyes.

When they finally calm down, Beau grins, “Hey, look at this.” She grabs the familiar blue rope over her shoulder and pulls it to reveal the mirror affixed to the canopy. Above them is a lovely view. A happy family with smiley faces. TJ looks at his own reflection with an intrigued expression, and then he smiles at his mother and his sister through the mirror. They are all in one single frame. One single united family.

Beau smiles. It’s not a wide smile, but it’s a very genuine one. “I could have a painting made like this.” She thinks for a moment. “Maybe I’ll ask Jester if she could do that.”

“That would be lovely,” Clara replies as silence falls around them and they stay like this for a while, staring at their reflection.

Clara rolls on her side and lays on one elbow, her head resting on her hand. "I was meaning to ask you. Jester... her last name is Lavorre. Any relation to a Marion Lavorre?"

Beau frowns in surprise and mimics her mother’s posture to face her. "Yes, she’s her daughter. You know Marion?"

"She’s an acquaintance."

"How?"

"Well, who never heard about the Ruby of the Sea?” Clara explains as she stares back at her reflection with a whimsical look in her eyes. “You know your father and I went to the Menagerie Coast for our honeymoon. We saw one of her performances and, well... Let's say I wasn't insensitive to her charms, so the name stuck in my mind. That’s how we agreed on a contract to sell our wine at the Lavish Chateau.” She looks back at her daughter. “But Marion was definitely a charmer. To hear that you’ve been traveling with the Ruby’s own daughter… I never even knew she had one. But I guess that’s a story I could ask Jester about.”

Beau is speechless. She tries to wrap her mind around that information. She remembers she thought, and even said, she found Marion very beautiful and attractive when the Nein met her. _Guess the grape doesn't fall far from the vine._

"You know, I’m a grown woman and even I can tell she’s much like her mother in many ways. Still, I'm surprised that even you didn't fall for Jester. I suppose that you have specific tastes?"

Beau is just finding herself perplexed with each passing moment. She's never seen her mother be like this before. It only further shows just how repressed and passive she became under Dad’s “watchful” eye. She manages to shake off the thought. "I mean, who _hasn’t_ fallen for her at this point? But wow. Didn't think you of all people would be into chicks, Mom."

“I’m not that picky. I mean…” TJ starts tugging at her sleeve for attention and she cuddles his belly. “Boys are nice, but women are more beautiful, aren’t they?”

Beau nods and replies in a wistful tone, “They are. And about Jester, well… I _had_ a crush on her at some point.”

Clara suddenly seems very interested. She leans closer to Beau, as if trying to keep the conversation a secret, while there is no one else in the room. “Really?”

“I’ve said it before to the rest of the Nein, and to you, but I’m pretty sure everybody has or had a crush on her. Well, except maybe Veth, though I’m not even certain that _she_ didn’t.”

“You didn’t act on it?” Clara asks, quite invested in learning more.

“Nah. My feelings for her were… really strange, you know. There’s nothing not to love about her, so I didn’t know what that was I liked about her. I mean, I knew, but…”

Clara nods in understanding. “You didn’t know how real it was if it was so easy for you to fall for her?”

“Yeah, pretty much. And then…” Beau’s gaze suddenly drifts away and a dreamy look forms on her face. “There was Yasha. It will probably sound creepy, but I’ve had my eyes on her from the very first day. And if I’m completely honest, Jester, my feelings for her became confusing while Yasha was away. But as soon as she was back with us…. I just knew.”

"I see."

"Also…" Beau fidgets a bit. Is this too much to reveal, even to her own mother? Fuck it. "She had a wife. She died. And, well… she… almost killed me…"

She quickly realizes how bad it sounds and just as quickly she adds, "She was controlled, it wasn't her fault!"

Clara closes her eyes for a moment and rubs them. Beau can see she is trying not to freak out. She opens them and stares at her daughter.

“I really think I will need an update on your life at some point, because in the last few hours, I discovered that you couldn’t speak, but then that you could, that you almost sacrificed everything for your friend Veth, even if I don’t know exactly what “everything” means, that Marion Lavorre’s daughter is your best friend and you had a crush on her, and that you are dating someone who almost killed you and is a widow even if she seems to be around your age.”

"One thing at a time. But I literally meant "everything", Mom. I was ready to… walk away from it all. I… I even tried to break Dad's deal, even though he put this on me. I couldn't do it… couldn't even do _that_ right…" Beau shivers. It hurts so much, always thinking back to that moment. And even more so to talk about it. "It's Jester who saved Veth… and me, I guess. I couldn't do that."

“Baby…”

TJ instantly picks on Beau’s decreasing tone and her sad expression. He turns away from his mother and crawls to his sister, “Don’t cry.”

He puts his tiny hand on her cheek and she can’t help but smile. “I’m not crying.”

“Don’t cry, sistah,” he repeats with an insisting voice.

Beau nods and gently tousles his curly hair before giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Okay, little man. I won't cry." She then gives him a serious look. “But stop thinking that crying is a bad thing. I won’t stand up for that crap.”

TJ tilts his head to the side, a confused expression on his tiny face.

“We’ll have a conversation about that later.” She looks at her mother, “Don’t let Dad put that in his head, okay?”

Clara pinches her lips. She looks away and Beau immediately recognizes this face. It’s the one she had every time she was apologizing for not standing up for her when she was a child.

"Mom?" No reply. Beau places her hand on Clara's sleeve, something she used to do when she was just about TJ's age. "Mommy?"

Clara looks in Beau's direction. She gives a weak smile but it's still a smile as she places a hand on Beau's cheek. "All these years, and you're still my baby girl. I'm glad she's still in there."

In a silent agreement, Beau and TJ both curl up against their mother and she takes them into her arms with a sad laughter.

Beau sniffles and hiccups as she cries. "Well, you know me, Mommy. I'm pretty damn stubborn. It's how I've stayed alive. It's how my heart stayed alive."

Clara can’t even fathom to which extent this statement goes, but Beau decides it’s best to stop here for tonight. She can tell her another time what happened to her lately. Clara has had enough for the day, probably.

_"Beau! Dinner's ready! Caduceus and I put together a really nice spread of treats and stuff. Are your mama and brother hungry? You… want bacon?"_

Beau couldn't help but smile. It was the first time in what feels like forever that she received a message. Not since…

"Yup. We'll be down shortly. Thanks, Jess."

Clara looks at Beau, “I guess we’re expected?”

“Yup. Come on, TJ! Want to walk, or should I carry you?”

She helps him down the bed and he runs to the door. “Float!”

Beau chuckles. He is so damn cute.

Just before they leave the bedroom, Clara eyes Beau. “So… Why do you have a mirror above your bed, young lady?”

Beau is surprised by her mother’s sudden mischievous expression. “Er… Ask Caleb.”

Clara’s grin widens. “Huh. Like mother, like daughter.”

“Yeah…” Beau smiles, amused that the same thought crossed her mind just a few minutes ago. But then, realization hits her and she opens wide eyes. “Wait, **_WHAT?!_ **”

Clara chuckles, but doesn’t answer.

“Mom!” Beau can’t pick one emotion among the torrent that is currently drowning her.

Her mother keeps going with an innocent look, “Also, about that Yasha lady… you love her so much, don’t you?”

Beau gets more serious and solemn, “Yeah.”

“Mmm…”

TJ has been trying to reach the doorknob for the past minute and starts calling out for help.

“Let’s not keep them waiting,” Beau says and she goes open the door for her brother, who immediately runs to the center of the tower.

With that, the Lionetts head to the dining room.

* * *

When they get to the dining room, right as their feet touch the floor, all the lights go off. Clara and TJ gasp. Beau is concerned too, but not for the same reason. “Oh no…”

She knows when the Nein tries to be creative and come up with something striking, it never ends well. Traveler Con was a perfect example of that, if proof needed.

Shit is about to go down.

Drum rolls start slowly rising in the dark. Jester is probably using Thaumaturgy to do this and no lie, it makes quite an impression. Darkness remains a little longer and whispers can be heard.

“Guys?”

More whispers, and then complete silence.

Beau is about to call again, but suddenly, a luminescent arch appears above what would be the dining table. It looks just like the one Caleb had put up in Rumblecusp, except it reads “Happy birthday Beau”. She is in awe, but this is only the beginning.

She watches as a swarm of insects appears and helps her locate the silhouette of Caduceus, as he is casting Spiritual Guardians. There are all sorts of bugs circling around him, some strangely similar to the ones she shares with Yasha from time to time, in the middle of radiant energy. Shortly after, the room goes dark again, only for the same spell to be cast again. Instead of bugs, his guardians are tiny Beau’s executing complex stunts as they are floating around him, accentuated by the casting of Caleb’s Dancing Lights, the wizard himself on the opposite end of the room.

Beau is gaping at this point, but if she knows her found family as well as she does, it is far from over.

Another spell is cast and she immediately recognizes the small animated amber-colored figures form Caleb’s Programmed Illusion. Every scene playing out recreates one of their most glorious shenanigans. The time Caleb and her hugged in the swamp. Kiri is here too, with her dagger, and she can almost hear her loud croaky ‘fuck you’, although the image is silent. A few bits from their night in Hupperdook are playing. Their reunion with Yasha after they came back from the Happy Fun Ball, when Nott insisted on establishing a group rule to hold funerals for anyone missing for seven days or more. The maiden flight on Rumblecusp that brings a tear to both her and Yasha’s eyes. Even the very first job she did where she took out that big snake that almost killed Jester. That felt nice in hindsight; the fisherman was super appreciative.

She looks a bit longer at the one where Molly is entering their room at the Pillow Trove, with the remnants of the fruits he ordered along two companions, wearing nothing but his Platinum Dragon tapestry.

 **_“I am your god, long may I reign. Eat of my fruits.”_ ** _What a bastard. The only bigger asshole than me._

Beau covers her mouth with one hand, to hide both her grin and how emotional she is. Soon, she covers her whole face when she feels tears gathering into her eyes. She can’t believe what she is looking at. It hurts a bit, because she knows Molly would have made it an even crazier party, but at the same time it's nice to remember him and try to compete with what he would have done. She rubs her tattoo with her other hand and glances at the stained glass above the fireplace, and the patterns seem to be moving.

_Long may he reign indeed. Huzzah._

But she suddenly hears ruckus and immediately looks up.

The light is very slowly coming back into the room, like a soft dawn after a long night. Beau can make out two silhouettes, but then she realizes these are three people as Veth is on Jester’s shoulders, probably in order to equal Yasha’s height. They are carrying a massive plate with a big cake on it. Beau opens wide eyes once more.

_Oh no, they didn’t…_

She looks around and realizes that only one of her friends is missing.

Before she can curse at their ridiculous idea, Fjord gets out of the cake. His appearance is so brusk, and Veth and Jester are not very well balanced, that he almost falls down. If it wasn’t for Yasha and Jester, who helps Veth with bearing the plate, he would end up on the floor.

Fjord is wearing his big captain hat, the one Jester and Caduceus bought for him in Nicodranas, and… not much, apart from that, actually. He is topless and only wearing his pants and his cape.

Jester cheers enthusiastically and is immediately followed by TJ, who goes into what sounds like a wolf cub’s howl. Beau snorts, both at Fjord and at her brother’s reaction.

The half-orc summons his sword and firmly speaks the incantation, “Galas-var”. Jester’s cheering must have boosted his confidence, as his free hand lights up.

Caduceus throws him a concerned look, “I’m not sure this is a--”

Too late. Fjord casts Eldritch Blast, and it goes right for the ceiling. It crumbles a bit and a dark burned circle is left where the blow impacted.

Caduceus sighs to himself, “That’s what I was afraid would happen.”

They’re all a bit shaken up, including Fjord, who apparently didn’t think it would turn out this way, although he is the one who cast the spell.

“The fuck?!” Beau exclaims.

Clara bends down and covers TJ’s ears, as he is laughing all he can, “Beauregard!”

She ignores her mother’s protestation and scowls at Fjord, who looks really embarrassed. “Sorry. Maybe I got a bit over-enthusiastic.”

“No, shit.”

“Beauregard!”

Beau stares a bit longer at Fjord, but she can’t stay mad at him when he has his puppy eyes, and the whole surprise is way too amazing to get angry. Caleb doesn’t even look upset after all, probably because the tower can take it and will be back to normal next time they visit.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to keep up with the others and this is one of my most impressive spells.”

“Major Image is pretty good too,” Jester interferes.

“You’re right! I should have gone for this one. But it’s not too late.”

Veth suddenly looks annoyed, “If you get to show off, I want to do it too.” She glances at Beau. “Do you want me, maybe... I don’t know... to use a Voltaic Bolt to make the whole thing even better?”

“ **_No! No!_ ** No more spells and random bolts! There are two people with us that are clearly not used to all of this and more importantly, that don’t have the resistance we have.”

TJ is still laughing. The surprise the Nein are throwing for Beau seems to be very entertaining to him.

“So…” Fjord starts, “Should I go down now?”

Yasha exchanges a look with Jester. “I’m not sure how we can put you down, with Veth being on Jester’s shoulders. Maybe the safest way is for you to jump down so that we don’t topple you.”

“O- Okay, I’ll try.”

He steps out of the cake, but the bearers are not quite ready and as soon as he stands near the edge of the plate, it tips. Jester squeals and Yasha gasps. Veth tries to catch him, but all she accomplishes is being dragged with him, thus unbalancing Jester who falls with them. The sudden absence of Jester and Veth takes Yasha off-guard and she drops the plate and the cake in a big metallic noise, and as she is trying to steady herself, she trips over Fjord’s foot and tumbles on top of them. The rest of the cake ends up splattering all over the others, all three Lionetts taking the brunt of the collateral confectionery chunks.

Caleb palms his face, Caduceus looks concerned, and Beau shakes her head in desperation. There are a few complaints coming from the pile they are now forming, and TJ laughs even harder, so much that he falls down onto his rear as Clara wipes her face with the back of her hand, covered in cake bits and frosting, and laughs just as hard as her son.

“Is this how things always go for the lot of you?”

Jester shrugs. “Well… technically no. It’s usually when we overdo things. Technically.”

Beau smirks in response. “I’ll admit, it was unexpected. But…Hey! We're not the only ones here! Are you trying to scare my _mother_ to death?!”

The room goes a little quiet, before Beau feels a warm, slightly moist hand on her shoulder. She turns to see said mother all smiles. “It’s okay, Beauregard. It’s been a while since I laughed so hard. And hey, TJ loved it too.”

She can’t refute that reasoning. TJ is having the time of his life, and it’s not even _his_ birthday. Still it makes Beau a little wistful. “So… was that all you had cooked up? Caleb, _please_ tell me the cats have a means to salvage this?”

Veth wiggles to come out of the pile, “Or maybe we can eat the cats?”

Caleb grunts, “I’d rather not.”

“No! No eat cats!” A pouty TJ shouts out, immediately making Veth regret upsetting him. 

A loud meowing resonates like a complaint right after that. They all turn and see a tiny colorful cat. Beau immediately smiles, “There you are! I was wondering where you were hiding when we were visiting earlier.”

The cat starts walking loosely in her direction and Beau comes to her. She reaches out to pet her, and Henriette shows hesitancy. After a bit, she sniffs Beau’s hand.

_Oh, that’s right. She’s blind. And she hasn’t heard my voice yet._

Having caught her scent, Henriette mewls with more energy in her voice. She nudges into Beau’s hands and gives another happy meow.

Beau turns to look at her mother and brother. “Come on, there’s someone else you have to meet.”

“No eat cats!”

“No, we’re not eating cats, TJ, _especially this one_.” Beau says as she glares at Veth. “We’re just petting them. Here, this one’s mine.”

Caleb smiles at this statement.

Clara and TJ join Beau. The toddler crouches down and reaches out, but Beau gently stops him when he tries to pet Henriette. “Easy, little man. She can’t see, don’t startle her.”

“Don’t... sta’tle…?” It’s so cute that he’s trying to learn these words. Beau has to smile a little at that, using such words with a child, half because she didn’t realize he doesn’t know that, half because “how the hell will he learn anything if you talk to him like he’s stupid”.

She really does have a knack for handling kids, as she thought.

“Don’t scare her.”

This time, TJ seems to understand and nods.

“Just give her your hand, like this,” she offers her own hand, “and let her sniff it. You’ll see, it tickles, it’s fun.”

TJ is in awe, as if she were demonstrating the most amazing thing he’s ever seen. He mimics her gesture, and Henriette smells his hand.

“Henriette, this is TJ, my brother. TJ, this is Henriette.”

The cat is wary, as Beau thought she would be, but she lets TJ pet her a bit. Beau glances at her mother and invites her to join with a head motion. Clara pulls her dress up to be able to kneel down, and then offers her hand. Just like she did with TJ, Henriette sniffs her and then accepts a few caresses. But as soon as the little boy gets too harsh because of excitement, she escapes his touch and hides behind Beau. TJ frowns and instantly gets frustrated. He starts stamping angrily.

“Hey, calm down, little man.”

“Cat! I want pet!”

“But maybe she doesn’t want to be petted. She’s very young, just like you, and she can’t see, so she is easily scared. Give her some time.”

It takes a while for TJ to understand all the words, but eventually he nods. He actually got the gist of the message.

“Gods, he’s so smart for his age,” Beau says in amazement.

“Runs in the family, I guess… despite what your father thinks.”

Beau looks at her mother, seeing a pensive expression on her face. “Something on your mind?”

Clara thinks for a bit, and nods. "What you had said, about having my own opinion... You were right. And my opinion? What did I ever see in that fucking urchin?!"

It’s now Beau’s turn to cover TJ’s ears. “Mom! Language?! In front of TJ?!”

“You’re one to talk!”

The brief, good-natured squabble between the two women subsides as they hear laughter behind them.

"Huh. Guess we know where you got your harsh tongue from," Yasha says with a smile on her face that belies a sense of smugness.

Fjord, on the other hand, is not as subtle. "Who coached _her_ though? She is very good at pretending to like assholes, unlike her daughter."

Beau and Clara look at each other, and smirk. “It’s true. Guess you did inherit that from me.”

Beau smiles as she turns to Yasha and Fjord. "And her cobalt-blue eyes. And beautiful skin. And just... apart from a passing resemblance, absolutely NOTHING of my father."

Beau pauses. It’s only now just hitting her. She’s nothing like him. Never has been, and most definitely never will be. All of a sudden, as if compelled by an urge long suppressed… she stands up and to everyone's surprise just... starts dancing around. As if she went back in time, to a time before she felt chained.

“Uh, Beau? You okay?” Jester asks out of a confused concern. “I don’t think I’ve seen her act like _this_.”

Having heard Jester’s statement, Beau has to agree. She feels so… free. And it feels so fucking **GOOD**. As if all of her childhood giddiness and excitement were locked away, continuing to bottle up and being held back by all those years of misery. And then the bottle just burst. Truth be told, she thinks it was only a matter of time, thinking back to the three of them looking in the mirror and seeing herself with her hair down, among other things.

It’s funny how losing one's voice can bring you to the lowest depths of despair, only to pick up the pieces as she goes and starts to rebuild herself, and to see and feel it come to fruition upon reclaiming what’s hers.

* * *

Later that night, a delicious dinner is prepared by the tower’s cats, which more than makes up for the pounded cake. They celebrate and drink, some of them too much. Caleb ends up in the same state he was in Hupperdook, although he isn’t as unaware of what he is saying. Despite that, he hasn’t divulged a lot of secrets that weren’t already known by now… though even Caleb knows to be careful around Clara and TJ.

Beau can’t help but notice the mixture of wonder, awe, and anxiety upon being told about some of the Mighty Nein’s more… unique encounters. Then again, anyone would be overwhelmed upon hearing about stuff like demiplanes and astral dreadnoughts, demons and devils, blood magic and dinosaurs, and even having an archfey masquerade as a god. It only gives Clara more incentive to look at her daughter and wondering if this is what Beau referred to by managing to “stay alive”.

And on that note, Clara’s interest is drawn to Beau’s scars when she tells her how their fight against an albino tyrannosaur happened… or picking a fight with an oni that slashed her face… or… what she said about Yasha earlier as she noticed some of that particular scar peeking out of her tunic. Clara gets bold and asks about another feature her daughter got since leaving the house.

“What about that tattoo on the back of your neck? I see all you ladies have one,” she asks as she notices the jade all-seeing eye on Beau’s neck, the aquamarine pattern around Veth’s eyes, the diamond clasped hands across Jester’s shoulders and chest, and the especially shimmery emerald runes and flowers across Yasha’s left arm.

Jester is as excitable as always. “We got them from this big tortle guy. He’s got bagpipes coming out of his shell!”

Veth also joins in. “These cost a lot of money in gem dust, but they’re both fashionable and functional.”

Yasha smiles as she rubs her arm. “Mine’s to remind me of who I once was. Jester’s her god-fey friend. Veth, she just likes the look of it.”

Clara nods and then she looks at Beau. “And yours, dear?”

Beau stiffens a little but shakes off the sensation. “This… is to remember a friend of mine. A friend who… who died in front of me.” She looks around the room and points to the stained glass designed as a tribute to Molly. “He changed my life. He changed all of ours. So we try to make every place better than what we found them.”

Clara nods. “I see. I wish I could’ve known him. You speak fondly of him.”

“Yeah,” Yasha replies sadly. “We all miss him.”

The table goes silent for a moment, no one wanting to bring up the past events in Eiselcross… or even the time he spent with them alive. Clara knows better than to keep pushing. Eventually, the dinner continues with the jovial atmosphere returning as well.

It’s not so late for TJ to start yawning, but they’re all tired after the day they’ve had, and so they decide to call it a night and all go to their respective chambers. Beau turns to her mother with a serious expression. “So… Mom… are you okay with spending the night here? Or… should we inform Dad? I mean, we don’t _have_ to, but...”

Clara shakes her head. “He’d get upset… and more than a little suspicious. An advance notice would be preferable.” She looks towards Jester, who’s about to head to her room for the evening. “Jester, could you send a message to Thoreau, like you did for me?”

She yawns, “Yes, of course. What should I tell him?”

“Let him know TJ and I are staying with you for the night, and that we’ll be back in the morning. Could you also tell him I put the--”

“Um, Mom, she only has twenty-five words.”

“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Magic has its limitations, sadly,” Jester says with another yawn. “Alright.”

“Jester, wait, maybe--” Beau tries to stop her but it’s too late, she is already casting. Nevermind.

“Hello again, Thoreau… Mr. Lionett…” She turns to Beau and whispers, “What should I call him?”

Clara would probably be nervous in other circumstances, but she is more than a bit tipsy and she starts giggling uncontrollably. “Just keep going, it’s fine.”

“Clara and TJ are staying with us for the night. Be back in the morning.”

She waits a few seconds and gets her reply. Jester, in her best Thoreau Lionett impression, tells the pair, “Tell them to come back _right now_. Where the hell are you, to begin with? I won’t let strangers take my wife and son and--”

Beau sighs. “Welp. Guess we’re not getting off easy.” After a bit, she looks to her mother. “Wanna just handle this now?”

Clara hesitates for a bit as Beau notices Caleb descending from the seventh floor, where his and Veth’s rooms are. “Caleb. How long does this tower last again?”

“Twenty-four hours. Why are you asking?”

Jester leaves with a tired “Night” and they all reply in unison.

Beau focuses back on Caleb, “So we will have it until tomorrow night, right?”

Caleb nods. “I don’t think you need my keen mind to make the calculation.”

“Just making sure.” Beau pauses for a bit. It’s clear that Daddy Fearest is not going to take this sitting down. And she’d rather not give him the satisfaction of getting the last word again. “Caleb… how do you feel about… a little roasting? Not literally, but...”

He was about to go on with his business, but he ends up joining them, somehow grasping what she’s hinting at if the smirk on his face is any indication. “What do you have in mind?”

“I will walk my mother and TJ back tomorrow morning. Would you come with us?”

“Well, to be honest with you, I was a bit disappointed that you didn’t even let me the opportunity to speak my mind today. You’re talkative, aren’t you, Miss Lionett?”

Beau nods to him in understanding. “It’s been a while. Even so, not too late for you to try again. Wanna come with?”

“It would be my pleasure to escort such a lovely family.”

Clara smiles and chuckles. Beau glances at her. _Yep. Definitely drunk._

“Great. Looking forward to it. _Tomorrow_ ,” Beau says with emphasis. Fuck what Dad wants. They’re coming back to the house tomorrow… and if she has to, she’ll take Mom and TJ with her, away from _him_.

“So am I.” He bows exaggeratedly to Clara, “Good night, _Frau_ Lionett.”

The alcohol still running through his system is enough to bring his last walls down. He leans closer to Beau and puts a kiss on her temple. “Good night, _Schwester_.”

Beau just hugs him and gives him a noogie. “Good night, you brilliant Zemnian bastard.”

They part, and Beau looks at Yasha, “Do you want to spend the night with me? In my room?”

“I’d love that.”

“Great. You can wait for me there, if you’d like. I’m just going to say good night, I’ll be here shortly.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Beau kisses her on the forehead and Yasha briefly squeezes her hand before letting her go.

Clara and Beau go to the guest room to put TJ to bed together. Right before leaving, Caleb summons Frumpkin and sends him with them to watch over the little boy while he is sleeping. TJ is exhausted and doesn’t even need a bedtime story. Clara and Beau barely have time to kiss him on the head before he falls asleep. They look at him for a moment before leaving him to his dreams.

Beau looks at Frumpkin, “Warn Caleb if there’s anything, or go directly to my mother, okay?” She scratches him behind the ears and he purrs in response. “Alright, Mom. We’ll go into the details tomorrow morning and try to figure out how we should handle Dad.”

Clara sees that Beau is nervous and she cups her face. “We’ll figure it out.”

Beau nods, “Good night, Mom.”

“Good night, Beau.”

She freezes shortly. It’s been years since the last time she called her Beau. It’s strange, but it feels good. A warm sensation pleasantly spreads into her chest. “Can I have a hug?”

“Of course, baby girl.”

Clara wraps her arms around her daughter and holds her tight. “I’m so glad to have you back. And I’m glad you got to celebrate your birthday properly this year. Your friends are a bit weird, but they seem to all be good people, and I can see they all deeply care about you.”

“Yeah. I’m very lucky to have them.”

Clara breaks the hug. She puts her hands on each side of Beau’s face and kisses her tenderly on the forehead. “Alright, don’t keep Yasha waiting any longer.”

Beau smiles sheepishly and puts a kiss on her mother’s cheek before leaving.

* * *

Beau comes into her own room and exhales deeply as she closes the door.

“Everything’s okay?”

She turns around and smiles at Yasha, who is sitting on the couch. “Yeah. I was just releasing all the emotions I’ve been keeping inside for the past few hours.”

“Positive? Negative?”

Beau shrugs. “A bit of both. But mostly positive.”

“There’s a bath waiting for you, if you want to relax. Today has been a long day for everyone, especially for you.”

“You’re perfect.” Beau walks towards the couch, sits on Yasha’s lap, and kisses her. “Care to join?”

“Only if you want me to.”

“I wouldn’t invite you otherwise.”

“I just wanted an excuse to hear your voice.”

Beau grins, “Yeah, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? Although it’s still a bit hoarse.”

“Might stay like this a few days. But I like your husky voice.” Yasha intently grins and Beau smiles back. “It’s so strange that it was back so suddenly without even trying, though, after all we’ve attempted.”

Beau grabs Yasha’s hand. She likes that she is once more able to do it while speaking. “Can we talk about it tomorrow? For now, I just want to enjoy the night.”

“You’re right. The last few days, no, _weeks_ have been crazy, we haven’t had even a minute to settle down a bit.”

“You guys threw me a pretty incredible party though. Truly amazing. Thank you.” Beau cups Yasha’s face and leans down. She kisses her, slowly and tenderly, and Yasha circles her waist with her arms. Beau keeps their foreheads together when she ends the kiss, “What do you say we enjoy our bath before it gets cold?”

Yasha nods in approval. A few minutes later, there are both in the bathtub. Yasha is underneath Beau, who is half-floating half-laying on her. The monk chuckles.

“What’s this?” Yasha asks.

“You still have some cake in your hair.”

She takes the morsel out of Yasha’s locks, and the aasimar nonchalantly eats it right from her hand.

“Ew, gross.”

Yasha smiles. “How does it go? ‘Waste not, want not’?”

Beau makes a face. “Still gross.”

“Says the one who eats bugs since I initiated her.”

“Only to make you happy.” They giggle together and Beau lays her head on Yasha’s shoulder. She runs her fingers through her hair. There are still some lingering strands of black here and there, but it's much lighter than it used to be. “Do you think it will be completely white at some point?”

“I don’t know. That’s how it used to be.”

Beau shrugs, “I’m curious to see how it looks if it does go back to that. But I know you’ll be beautiful anyway.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.” She kisses the top of Beau’s head. Beau takes Yasha’s left hand and intertwines their fingers. She turns her arm upside down to take a look at her tattoo.

“Orly did a really good job. He’s very talented. I love it.” Beau pauses briefly, “I love you.”

Yasha closes her eyes for a moment and lets the words soak into her. She opens them, “Say it again.”

This time, Beau rises a bit to be able to look Yasha in the eye, “I love you.”

Yasha gives her one of the brightest smiles she’s ever seen on her face. “It feels so good to _hear_ you saying it.”

Her eyes suddenly get shiny. Beau immediately notices. She pushes herself up and straddles Yasha. She takes her face in her hands and bends down on her to kiss her. She tries to communicate all her love through this kiss, but she knows it’s impossible. Yasha puts her hands on the small of her back and brings her closer.

They stay like this for a long time, just kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other. It’s sweet, it’s tender, and it’s nice. Finally being able to speak freely is liberating for Beau. There was so much she wanted to say, and she knows that even after tonight, there will still be a lot to say. Would a lifetime even be enough to tell Yasha what she means to her?

As they are kissing, recent moments flash before Beau’s closed eyes, not in any particular order. When Yasha stood up for her and called Veth out on her behavior. When she told her she was beautiful so casually, without even realizing the gift she was offering her. When she came back from a storm with flowers for her, flowers that grow only when it rains for many days in a row, she said. When she told her she had seen her, first when they were on their watch, then in her letter. When she called her ‘sweetheart’ for the first time. When she signed ‘I love you’. When she offered comfort and support after every single failed attempt at breaking the curse. When she confronted Thoreau and the words she said when Beau stepped in.

**_“But by gods, if you try to hurt her again, I won't let you. Never again. I won’t lose her. I won’t lose the only other loving soul to take root in mine! Do you fucking hear me?!"_ **

Suddenly, the succession of images that was so fast stops on one specific moment: the King’s Cage. She sees Yasha coming right at her and slashing her with her sword, and then she sees her face as the doors are closing. It’s not Yasha. She didn’t know it at that time, she wasn’t sure, but now she knows. It wasn’t her. The expression lacked emotion. It was cold. Only pure, unwavering, clinical determination.

Beau breaks the kiss and opens her eyes. Yasha looks at her. The person staring at her right now, _this_ is Yasha. So much softness and tenderness in her eyes. So different from what Beau saw that day when Yasha turned on them. No. Not Yasha. The _Orphan Maker_.

Yasha glances down, and Beau knows exactly what she is looking at. She remembers feeling Skingorger go through her chest. But she also remembers Yasha’s sheepishness and her trembling hand when she healed her, right after the cathedral fight. She remembers the warm sensation of divine energy pouring into her chest.

She also remembers the few times since they became a couple that Yasha’s eyes drifted toward it before looking away or even finding excuses to venture out on her own. It had seemed inconsequential, almost normal at first glance, but Beau knows better. She gently strokes Yasha’s cheeks with her thumbs and whispers, “I know it wasn’t you.”

Yasha swallows hard and awkwardly averts her gaze from her scar.

“You literally saved my life that day. If it wasn’t for you, that fucker Obann or whatever he became would have killed me.”

Yasha seems surprised.

“I was unconscious, but Veth and Jester told me what happened.” Beau kisses her on the mouth, “For every time you feel guilty…” then on the corner of the lips, “I want you to remember that it wasn’t you…” on the cheek, “and that once you were free…” close to the ear, “you saved me.”

She puts one final kiss on her lips and then looks her in the eye, “This is what matters.”

She can see Yasha is probably still a bit uncomfortable, but she nods. “I know, Beau. And… you saved _me_ … by not blaming me...”

She puts some hair strands behind Beau’s ear. “It looks really good like this. Not that it wasn’t before, but you seem to enjoy it.”

Beau blushes a bit, but she’s far from embarrassed. “I do. I thought about getting it shorter, maybe shoulder-length. Or maybe I won't. I'll give it more time to grow on me. If I did choose to, would you cut it?”

“I’m not sure I’d be able to do that.”

Beau gives her another face of confusion. “Huh? You didn’t cut Caleb’s head off when you shaved him with a greatsword, I’m sure you can handle a haircut.”

Yasha chuckles, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

Beau pecks her on the lips, “What do you say we get out? The water is turning cold.”

“Your wish is my command.”

Beau comes out of the bathtub and Yasha follows right behind her. They dry themselves and brush each other’s hair.

“Are you tired?” Yasha asks once they’re done.

Beau grins mischievously, “Are you?”

Yasha smiles back. She puts a hand on Beau’s waist and brings her against her. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She bends down a bit and kisses her.

Beau gets on her tiptoes and puts her arms around Yasha’s neck. The aasimar slips her hands lower and when she gets to her girlfriend’s leg, she grabs it and brings it against her own body. She interrupts the kiss only briefly, “Hold on to me.”

Beau secures her grip and with a swift jump, she wraps her legs around Yasha’s waist with no issue. Yasha breaks the kiss, only to make sure she doesn’t trip and fall while she walks them to the bedroom.

Beau smirks, “Do I weigh anything to you?”

“It’s more or less like carrying Frumpkin.”

Beau chuckles, “Is that a pun because of my surname, or am I just that much of a lightweight?”

Yasha giggles. “You’re not when it comes to booze.”

Beau blinks a few times before joining her in the giggling. “Now that was totally a joke.”

“Glad you’re finally getting my humor. It’s about time.”

“It’d be interesting if I _was_ more like a lion. At least physically,” Beau says with a shrug.

“What? Do you want to roar now?”

“That’d be fun. I should ask Caleb to turn me into a lion someday.”

Yasha turns her eyes away a bit. “Why? You’ve already got so much pride. You fight and you love so fiercely.”

Beau stares at Yasha, remembering those words from a long time ago. She still hasn’t told her. Quickly recovering, she quips, “If I’m a lioness, then you’re definitely a lone wolf. … Or at least, you _were_.”

“I was for some time, yes. But it looks like I finally found a pack to take me in. And I’m glad I did.”

Beau purses her lips, deep in thought, before barking out a laugh. “ _‘The Lion and the Wolf_ ’. Haha. Sounds like one of Jester’s cheesy romance novels.”

Yasha rolls her eyes in an exaggerated way. “Cheesy romance? That’s your opinion about ‘ _Tusk Love_ ’ as well?”

“Doesn’t help that we have a re-enactment among us. I mean, have you _seen_ Jessie and Fjord?” Beau shakes her head.

The thought of the conversation she had with Caleb long ago crosses Yasha’s mind. This whole situation is so strange. But angsty discussions about the emotional mess Jester might get herself into is the last thing she wants right now.

“Weren’t they so obvious with their heart-eyes, I wouldn’t have. I’m too busy watching something else. Some **_one_ ** else.” Yasha soon gets onto the bed, still carrying Beau, and gently lays her down.

“Look at that. Such a smooth talker, aren’t you?” Beau’s smile is genuine. “I remember a time, not long ago, where you couldn’t talk to me without stuttering.”

“And you think that _you_ are now that your voice is back?” Yasha counters.

“I think I’ve earned that privilege,” Beau retorts with a cheeky grin. “Hell… we’ve both gotten better at that. So much easier with nothing to hide.”

Yasha simply nods. It’s just like Beau to try to get the last word in. But she’s okay with it, given the recent months. “Yeah.” She looks pensive, and before Beau can reply she already has a question on her mind. “Beauregard… it’s been a while since I’ve asked, but...”

“Yeah?”

Yasha stares at her. “What do you want… birthday girl?”

Beau is left to pause for a moment. She thinks back to what they both went through all this time, unable to speak her mind (literally) about what she wants, feeling like she couldn’t be as satisfied. But… she can finally say it without worrying about being “gagged”.

“Just you, Yasha. That’s all.”

And that’s all that needs to be said as their lips meet once more, and again, and again as the night rolls on. They’ve had many nights sharing the same bed, but there’s something about this night in particular that feels… different. **_Good_ **-different.

Like they’re truly making love for the first time…

The best birthday present in a very, very long time…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best. Birthday. Ever.
> 
> And yes, since we're in total headcanon mode... what if Clara Lionett was bisexual and therefore back in the day she was just as much of a flirt as her daughter is?


	12. Pursuit of Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People told me slow my roll I'm screaming out fuck that/I'm gonna do just what I want and there ain't no turnin' back  
> If I fall if I die, know I lived it to the fullest/If I fall if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets  
> Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams/Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin'  
> You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow/You rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow  
> Hands on the wheel/Uh uh, Fuck that/Hands on the wheel/Kick drum, hi-hat  
> I'm on the pursuit of happiness and/Everything that shines always gonna be gold, hey  
> I'll be fine once I get it, yeah/I'll be good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't get enough of The Roasting of Thoreau Lionett... then I hope you're ready for seconds! Because the asshole deserves it.
> 
> Also, some much needed levity and bonding before the roasting in question.

The next morning, Beau wakes up with a jolt. She heard whispers in her sleep, she is certain of it, and although the words escaped her, she still recognized that distorted voice and nasty tone.

_How is that possible? I can speak again, so the curse should be broken and this thing should be gone… right?_

She turns and looks at Yasha. She is still sound asleep, oblivious to Beau's sudden rousing from her slumber. It pains Beau to see her so unaware.

_I guess it means I have to tell her. Fuck._

Trying to pass it off as no big deal, Beau steadies her breathing and soon after wakes her lover. "Yasha?"

_Well, at least I'm still speaking. That's a plus._

Yasha stirs and mumbles.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be the asshole who wakes you up while you’re sleeping peacefully, but I have to.”

She hears what is probably supposed to be words but comes out as growls. Yasha is turned the other way and her face is partially buried in her pillow.

“What?”

“Why’d you stop snoring in the middle of the night? I liked it; it was like thunder to my ears…” Yasha replies, still half-asleep.

“I don’t snore!”

Yasha rolls over to face Beau. “Yes, you do. I just missed it this whole time.” Her eyes look away as she pouts. “I really, _really_ missed it...”

Beau can’t decide if she’s upset or endeared. She stares at Yasha, her face still a bit frowned from her recent awakening. _Endeared. Definitely endeared._

“Sorry to wake you, and sorry to wake you for that, but I need to talk to you.”

Yasha immediately looks concerned. She rises on one hand. “Is this the ‘we need to talk’ thing, or just more pillow talk?”

“A bit of both. Mostly the former?” Beau tells her. “Um… how bad are your dreams at times? Did they ever result in… um… did they ever feel a little too real?”

Yasha sits up. The way her face looks, devoid of war paint, is intense. Beau isn’t going to lie; she misses how she looked without it. “Well, I mean… I dreamed I had fully feathered wings and then when I summoned them, that was what they actually looked like, so…”

“Yeah, that’s a thing that happened. But… In terms of physical-… Um, Yasha?”

Yasha doesn’t respond right away. Her eyes are looking downward at a very obvious spot. “Does it have to do with… that?”

Beau sighs. At least she doesn’t have to dance around it. “Yeah.”

“When did it happen?”

“The night before we went to Zadash.”

“What?! Beau, that was five days ago!”

“I know, I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Beau winces. “Because of that reaction right here. I knew you’d freak out like that. I didn’t tell Jester for the same reason, but she’d have been even more overprotective, you know?”

“And how am I supposed to react when my girlfriend tells me she was… I don’t even know what happened to you! What was that dream?!”

Beau grabs onto Yasha’s shoulders super tight. But Yasha is already hyperventilating. “Yasha! Calm down. I’ll tell you, but you have to calm down. Okay? Breathe. In, out, in, out.”

Yasha barely hears her but does as suggested, trying to slow her breathing and heart rate, until she’s able to avoid passing out. “Thanks. Alright, Beau. Tell me.”

“I don’t really know where to begin. Um… I…” she sighs, “It’s probably a terrible idea to tell you this first, but I think that’s what you need to hear the most. I… saw your wife.”

Yasha is left speechless. She looks like the whole room just collapsed around her. She opens her mouth, but there’s no sound to be heard.

“I know it sounds crazy, but I… I had that dream, and I really think I saw her. She never said her name and I wasn’t sure if it really was her or just a manifestation of my willpower or even an intervention from the Stormlord… but she did ask me to take care of you.”

Beau shakes her head. “I must sound so fucking crazy just saying all that. But that’s what happened. And...” She reaches for her satchel near the bed. “I know it was no mere dream. Because of this.”

She pulls out the dagger and puts it down in front of Yasha, the blade recently cleaned but Beau still remembers the blood -- her blood -- coating it. “That’s how my scar got reopened. There was a creature... something that was wearing my face, and then it wasn’t. Your wife, if it was her, saved me.”

“What...” Yasha needs to clear her throat before she can keep going. “What did she look like? The woman who saved you.”

“Taller than me, but not as tall as you. Curly reddish blond hair. Brown eyes.”

Yasha gulps.

“It was her, wasn’t it?”

Yasha nods, and then shakes her head, “That’s not the issue right now.” She tries to compose herself.

Beau gently takes her hand, “Hey, it’s okay if it’s overwhelming for you.”

“I’m fine.” She grabs the dagger and starts inspecting it. “How did you get your hands on it?”

Beau takes the dagger from her hands. “Yasha, don’t do this. Don’t act like it has no effect on you.”

“I didn’t say that. I just.. I don’t know how to... “ She sighs and rubs her forehead. “I just miss her. Like, a lot. But I don’t like telling you this, because I don’t want you to think that you mean less than her to me.”

“That’s not what I think. I know you love her and you always will, and I’m okay with that.”

“Really?” Yasha asks with an hesitant high-pitched voice.

“Yeah. I know it’s hard to shove into my stupid head that someone might love me, but you have been pretty convincing, so I guess now I believe it.”

Yasha smiles coyly. Beau just feels more and more embarrassed, but it’s a warm kind of embarrassment. She keeps remembering that she doesn’t have to hide it anymore. “I know your love for her will never go away, but I don’t feel threatened, or jealous, or… gods know what. I’m an insecure asshole, but you’ve helped a lot with that. So I’m still an asshole, but I’m less insecure now.”

Yasha grins, “You’re my favorite asshole though.”

Beau chuckles, “That’s probably the best compliment I’ve ever received.” As a quick aside, she quips, “Don’t stop giving them. Please.”

Yasha smiles. As she’s about to respond… all of a sudden she hears a creaking noise.

“Wha--”

By the time Beau also processes the sound, she hears footsteps. Fast, and getting louder.

“Who--” Beau begins to turn around and barely notices her bedroom door still ajar, the footsteps coming from that direction. _Oh shit, I forgot to lock the door--_

“SISTAH!”

“TJ! NO!”

Realizing too late, Beau notices the door bursting open and the tiny form of Thoreau Junior making a beeline for his sister, their mother Clara standing there at the entryway.

 **“MOM!”** Beau shrieks as she quickly realizes both she and Yasha are still naked and scrambles for the sheets, but it’s too late; TJ manages to grab hold of them and in her mad rush she ends up falling out of bed.

“Sistah! Ya’a!” TJ squeals with delight, completely unbothered by the two women’s utter lack of dress. Clara, on the other hand, has her hand to her face but she can’t hide the red blush of embarrassment.

“Oh my gods, Beauregard, I am SO SORRY!” Clara exclaims as she runs in to grab TJ. The only good thing in this mess is the fact that the dagger fell with Beau, preventing both TJ and Clara from seeing it. She quickly pushes it under the bed and Yasha reaches for it and places the dagger under her clothes that were left in a bundle on the other side of the bed, ignoring the slight cut to her palm that thankfully didn’t draw blood.

Clara catches TJ before he can climb onto the bed, although he is too short for this, and covers her eyes with her free hand. “I’m not watching Yasha, I swear.” She is very visibly embarrassed now.

“Mom! You’re making it even more awkward!”

Yasha looks at Beau in confusion.

“I discovered just last night that my mother loves women. She had the hots for Jester’s mother. Or has?” She turns to her mother. “Is it still an ongoing thing?”

“Beauregard!” Clara exclaims.

**“YOU PUT THE IDEA IN MY HEAD, MOTHER!”**

Clara can’t help but giggle. It’d been a long time since Beau specifically called her “Mother”. She is about to give her a hand to help her up, but she stops herself, and then she can’t decide if she should help her daughter or keep her eyes covered.

“Oh come on, Mother. It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before.”

Clara huffs in annoyance. “Well, you’re not quite a child anymore. Plus, I’m trying to keep TJ from--”

Too late. Somehow TJ manages to squirm out of Clara’s arms due to the distraction and is all over his sister. And somehow, the embarrassment just melts away. _He really does think I’m beautiful. Gods bless you, little man._

Just like any three-year old, TJ has no real aversion to nudity, and he rests one of his hands on her shoulder, the other more or less on her breast, to reach her cheek and kiss it.

“Morning, little man.”

“TJ!”

“It’s okay, Mom. He’s just a child. And I don’t mind anyway.” She then looks at Clara mischievously. “I mean, it’s nothing new to you, I hope.”

Clara is just utterly boiling red at this point with her hands over her face, even if it was true. All of a sudden, Yasha interjects, “She showed her breasts to Caleb just for the hell of it not long ago, so she’s past this.”

“Oh, gods, I am NOT hearing this!” Clara yells as she just sinks to the ground. You could swear you see steam coming out of her ears.

Beau rolls her eyes. Yasha’s definitely not helping her case, but she can’t afford to make a big deal out of it. After all…

“We gotta go back home, don’t we?” Beau says solemnly. “I don’t want to, yet. I’m… not satisfied.”

The room goes silent as they are hit with the reality that Clara and TJ have to go back… to him.

“Sistah? This hurt?”

Beau frowns a bit, then notices what TJ is talking about as his tiny hand is touching her chest scar. She places her hand over both. “It did, but I’m okay. Your sistah is really strong.”

“Beauregard...” And soon enough, the other shoe drops as Clara sees it too. The room goes silent, even as from behind her, Yasha’s putting on her tunic and trousers. Beau notices out of the corner of her eye the dagger being discreetly put in Yasha’s own bag. She nods to Yasha. “Hey, Yash. Mind giving us a bit of privacy?”

Yasha is about to step away, but Clara interrupts. “Please stay, Yasha. My daughter only briefly brought it up, but… I want to hear it from you. If that’s okay.”

Beau’s gaze immediately goes to Yasha. “You don’t have to. Mom, don’t be so--”

But Yasha interrupts her with a sign that comes naturally to her, **I’m good.**

Clara can make out what she must have said when she sees she is not leaving anymore.

Beau sighs, “Okay, I guess we’re doing it then.” She puts TJ on his feet and stands up, wrapping the sheets around herself. “Just give me a moment to dress at least.”

Clara and Yasha nod as Beau heads to the bathroom and after a few minutes returns just wearing her own tunic and trousers, no jerkin. Yasha herself is quick to notice the front of the tunic is unbuttoned; she feels that it has to be addressed in full anyway.

”Come on, let’s sit,” and she motions to the couch. Clara puts TJ on her lap, but he quickly asks to be put down and she lets him go about his business while they’re talking.

“So… what Beauregard had said… you did hurt her?” It always stings to hear those words. Even more so, coming from her own mother. But it’s the way she says it, soft and non-judging, that lessens the sting.

Yasha nods a little. “Not… not by choice...” She looks to Beau, who just silently nods back.

“You seem to be carrying a lot. Am I mistaken?”

Yasha slightly stiffens.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Beau slips her hand into Yasha’s and Yasha squeezes it. “Is it that obvious?”

Clara doesn’t answer her question. “What happened?”

Yasha looks away briefly before facing Clara again. “I was taken… by a fiend named Obann. My link to him is still not very clear. But… he basically put me on a leash and made me do things that I didn’t want to do.”

“Been a constant for us, hasn’t it?” Beau says darkly. “Loss of autonomy and being forced to hurt others… or even ourselves.”

Clara gives Yasha and her daughter a saddened look. Yasha doesn’t know if she hates the way Clara stares at her or if it’s relieving. Should she be looked at like a victim when she hurt her daughter?

“When did it happen?”

Yasha remains silent, so Beau answers, “A few months ago. You, uh… You heard about the incident at the Stassmans?”

Clara pauses in thought… and is almost stricken with fear. It’s clear she recalls it. “Yes. Their manor was raided. And a couple of them were killed. The thieves made off with some relic of theirs. And...” She looks at Yasha. “You were there, weren’t you?” She notices Beau’s glare and her eyes soften. “Only you weren’t… yourself?”

“Um… Yeah. He made me do that a couple times, actually.”

“Were you aware of what was--”

“Mom, stop. Don’t--”

“Yes. I was.” Yasha says bluntly. “And I hate that I couldn’t fight it. But that wasn’t the worst of it. If… If I had taken Beau’s life that one night… I’d rather fall on my own sword than live with that guilt.” She starts to sob as she covers her eyes with her free hand. “I think about it every night… I _dream_ about it every night… That’s why I’m grateful that even now, Beau forgives me.”

Beau’s grip tightens around Yasha’s other hand. “Yasha… there’s nothing to forgive. I’ll say it again, it’s not your fault.” She presses their hands over her chest once again. “And like I told you last night, I’ll continue to remind you. Because I love you.”

Yasha sniffles and quivers, but at least she stops crying as she looks at Beau. “Thank you.”

She then feels another hand, this one on her shoulder. Yasha turns, and it’s Clara’s hand. “It’s all right, Yasha. I’m sorry I asked. But… I’m glad you’re looking out for my girl. And thank you for telling me. I just needed to understand, because who knows if I’ll ever get to talk to you again.”

Beau perks her head up. “Speaking of which...” She then looks at TJ who’s a ways away but still looking on at them. She’s not sure how, but he seems… understanding of what he’s seeing? _Good gods, you’re so bright._

“We’re gonna head back home, little man.”

He has no reaction. No fear or anger, but no happiness either.

It’s like looking in a mirror from the past.

Beau blinks and composes herself. “We’re gonna say goodbye to everybody before, right?”

This time, TJ does look sad. Clara walks to him and picks him up, “It’s only goodbye.”

He nods silently. Beau hates to see him suddenly so… empty. But she also knows that she has to stay strong.

Besides, a thought occurs to her. A thought that could backfire horribly, but it helps to be prepared.

“Can you guys wait by the entrance? I’ll be right behind you.” She then looks at TJ. “I promise.”

Upon receiving nods from everyone, Beau goes for the door, and right as she leaves, she hears TJ, “Huggy, Ya’a!” and sees him reach out for her girlfriend. She smiles and exits.

Shortly after, she’s knocking at Caleb’s door. He quickly opens. “Beauregard. Are you walking your family back?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, I’ll meet you soon at the base of the tower.”

He was about to walk back inside his room, but he stops when Beau grabs his sleeve. _“Was?”_ Beau looks him dead in the eyes, full of an intent that will surely make itself known, if she plays her cards right.

“I have a favor to ask.”

* * *

When Beau knocks and her father opens the door, she instantly knows it's not good. The only times he answered the door himself when she was younger were when she had gotten herself in trouble and someone was bringing her home. It always ended with a lecture at best, or screams and humiliation at worst, when it was a really bad day.

Thoreau looks around quickly, as if looking for something, or someone, before looking directly at Clara. "You finally remembered you had a husband. Lucky--"

Beau fights every nerve to punch his mug and cuts him off, standing between them out of habit. “ _They_ are fine, Dad. See? They weren’t in danger. We kept them safe and sound, and they’re home.”

"You didn't bring your ‘buddies’ with you, huh? Only the skinny one?"

"Thoreau!" Beau looks at her mother, genuinely surprised that she is standing up to him so quickly. "They're her friends. Friends who kept _her_ safe. Would it hurt to be a little respectful?"

Thoreau looks at his wife, then back to Beau, and then to the suddenly quiet TJ in Clara’s arms. “Well… I suppose they weren’t all bad. You came back to me.” He mutters to himself under his breath, “Except for that Xhorhasian wench.” But unfortunately for him it does not escape Beau’s notice as her fist clenches hard, but she still maintains control of her anger.

“Well, you’re home. Now come inside so Beauregard and her friends can go. We have… a lot to talk about, dear.” Thoreau turns around to head inside. But no one enters.

"We'll be right there, just give TJ a moment to say goodbye to his sister."

Thoreau stops and stares at her, "He spent the whole night with her, isn't it enough?"

“One night doesn’t account for three years, dear. You can wait a few more minutes,” Clara retorts. Beau’s not sure where this sudden courage is coming from, but she likes it.

"Okay, but make it quick."

Beau is trying really hard not to lose her temper. She takes TJ in her arms. "Alright, little man, I guess this is goodbye."

"No! No goodbye!"

"I'll be back soon, I promise. You still have the necklace I gave you." She takes it from under his shirt and shows it to him. "I'm always with you, even when you can't see me."

"No goodbye," TJ repeats in the saddest cry she’s heard from him yet. It breaks her heart to hear it.

"You won't even notice that I'm gone, you'll see."

"He will."

Beau turns to look at her mother.

"He will miss you. We both will."

Beau sighs. "Mom… I'd love to have you two with me, you know that. But… your life is here, right?"

Clara doesn't answer and Beau is not sure what she is supposed to understand from her silence.

"No goodbye, sistah."

She focuses back on TJ, "I'll visit more often, I promise."

His eyes get teary and he starts sobbing.

"TJ… Don't cry, little man."

He puts his arms around her neck, "But cry not bad, right?"

Beau can’t help it. She ends up crying a bit too. "No, it’s not bad, but I'll be back. This is only goodbye."

"Why? Stay."

His voice is pleading and she feels her heart break. She looks back to Clara… and then to Caleb. It’s as if she’s finally having to decide between which family to keep, and it fucking sucks. She knows what Veth has been through now, and is still going through despite Caleb's efforts to help. She doesn’t want to abandon the Mighty Nein… but she also doesn’t want her mother and brother to continue being oppressed by her asshole father. A part of her wishes she didn’t rebel against him. Even if she couldn’t have measured up to Thoreau, at least she could’ve been there from the start to help raise her brother. She doesn’t want to disappoint the little man.

Beau takes a deep breath; she knows the choice she must make. She can only hope to be forgiven by one brother and the other. “Hey Caleb--”

“No, that’s enough.”

Beau stops talking, looking back to her mother and her unexpected response.

"You said your friend Veth spent time with her family _and_ you, right? So we can make it work too. Caleb, if you can bring everyone here, you can come visit as often as you wish. And maybe--"

"That's not yours to decide."

Clara turns to Thoreau. She knows the look in his eyes. He is angry. Very angry.

"This is my house and I will let in only the people I choose."

"Thoreau, I'm only trying to make it work,” Clara pleads “Wouldn't you like to see Beauregard more? Did you forget what she asked of you yesterday? She said you had a choice to accept her into your life and--"

"I know. And she clearly made **_hers_ **. She could have returned at any time, even to come see Junior after you sent your letter, but she stayed with these… dubious people." Even if it was him showing restraint, Beau was getting even more pissed off. “She made her choice, and I’m making mine. She won’t come back to me.”

And just like that, a switch flips in her head as she snaps at Thoreau. "Are you kidding me? _You_ sent me away, and you have the nerve to say that? I didn't make that choice. In fact, _you never let me have one_."

"Last time you were invited, you could have--"

"I don't want to hear any of this." She doesn't know how, but she had just found enough self-control to calm down, her voice lowering deeply. "I just came to say goodbye, I don't want to pick a fight, so please, don't push me."

Clara is looking on at this exchange and for once, she does not hide her disapproval. "You really had to go there and make our child-- no, _my daughter_ act like this--”

He’s still staring at the still-repressing Beau. “As I said, she made her choice, so let’s honor that. We have _no daughter_ . Come inside, Clara. _Now._ And say goodbye, Junior.”

Neither side says anything, but what comes next surprises them all.

“No… goodbye...”

TJ, his own son, _glaring_ at his own father. Thoreau notices. He hates that look, sees it reflected in “her”. “What have you done to my wife and son, Beauregard?”

Beau looks up at him. “Just for one night, I was happy being with them.” She takes another deep breath. “Oh, and for the record… that prophecy is bullshit. Always has been.”

Thoreau stands his ground… and even steps forward to meet them. "We've had that discussion before, I don't need to hear your opinion again. Clara, I said to come inside, and take Junior with you."

TJ immediately clings to Beau, "No."

Beau stiffens. He is not defying Thoreau this time, he is _scared_ of him. She feels her anger intensify. _How fucked up is this? No child should be scared of his own father._

Thoreau keeps getting closer and TJ starts sobbing. Beau puts him into her mother's arms and stands between her two parents. _No. Between my mother and… this man._ “Don't come any closer, **Thoreau**. Stay back, or you’ll regret it.”

He stops, but she can tell it's only temporary. He looks right at Clara, who is trying to soothe TJ.

"So I've spent my whole life working, offering you everything you could dream of, I even risked my own life going to that witch, and Beauregard shows up and gives you one night, one single night, and that's it? You suddenly love her more than me?"

Clara glares at her husband. "Do you hear yourself? This is not a contest, Thoreau."

"She never did anything for you! For us! She only brought us misery and misfortune!"

Beau raises her voice, but just by a little. "No. That fucking hag did."

Thoreau is looking between the two women now, and eventually he throws his hands in the air. "Fine! If you love her so much and would rather leave me for her, you can leave this house _right this instant!_ But... don't think for a minute that I will let you take my son. You made your choice, if you want to be with Beauregard, then I'll keep Junior! He’s supposed to take on the family name, and I won’t let it be forgotten."

Clara is just left aghast. "Do you even realize how you're _speaking_ about him?! He's not one of your possessions!"

“He’s MY son, you worthless wench!”

The very next instant, it’s as if time itself has slowed. One minute he’s exploding with paranoia and rage, and the next…

**_SLAP!_ **

Clara reflexively has her eyes shut, anticipating the sensation. But no slap makes contact. Instead…

“I’ll give you credit: you went for the other cheek this time.”

Beau cracks her neck, a visible yet fading handprint on the left side of her face. And yet… she is still as calm as before, as if that was the stillness of mind she needed to quell her anger despite how ironic it sounds.

Clara is petrified. But she sees Thoreau raise his hand again, and Beau doesn't move to stop him. No. She won't let that happen again. She won't stand by and do nothing like the day the monks came and she let them take her daughter.

She walks past Beau, shields TJ as best as she can with her body, and stands in front of Thoreau. The surprise is enough to make him hesitate and she takes the opportunity to slap him right across the face.

“I should’ve done that to you a long time ago. I also have something to say to you.” Clara then steps right up to his face. “We're done. YOU'RE done.”

“Y-You can’t just leave...”

"You told me to just a minute ago."

His shock quickly turns into anger, which then turns into blind fury. _"I won't let you take my son!"_

He briskly reaches for TJ, who instantly cries and calls out for his mother. And in the very next moment…

**_CRACK!_ **

In the blink of an eye and a sickening snap and crunch of bone and sinew, Thoreau’s entire hand and wrist are inverted 180 degrees, the cause of the inversion being the iron grip of a familiar gloved hand.

“ **Hands. Off** ,” Beau responds coldly with emphasis, her voice entirely devoid of anger.

Thoreau lets out a deafening cry of pain that is quickly cut off, just as his entire body stiffens from the stunning strike and his voice falters. _I’ve always wanted to do that._

"Did you think all I’d learn at the archive was stuff in books? They taught me how to fight. Now… I will say it only one more time. **Stay back, or you'll regret it** ," Beau says, still dull and cold, but with a very clear threatening intent. And stepping up right beside her is another familiar face who lights his hands aflame.

"Clara, the choice is yours,” Caleb tells her. “But if you do want to come with us, go grab some stuff _now_. We’re not coming back."

Clara nods. Without a second thought, she goes inside.

“You think you’ll get away with this?” Thoreau mutters as the stun fades, but still held by Beau. “I know your faces, and I have connections. I’ll have them back. I _need_ them back. She’ll come back at any moment to cash in.”

"I don't care," Beau responds. “Because she’s never cashing in. She’s already earning.”

For perhaps the first time since he went all furious, a sudden clarity shakes Thoreau to the core. Beau can sense it. “What… did you say?”

Beau exchanges a brief look with Caleb and he uses the components he had already prepared. A perfect recreation of the confrontation between Beau and her father, that happened months ago, appears as he casts Major Image. Of particular emphasis are his own words.

**_“She said a young beau will take on the great name, to continue this success, until everything, eventually, will humble me by that which I desired most. And then she sent me on my way. We came back, we built on land with what last bit we could borrow from her family, and she was right, and we had another blessing. And the fact that it all worked means I don't know what else she took, and I don't know what's coming to humble me, and I just want to protect my family.”_ **

This portion of the memory repeats itself as Thoreau just stands there. Beau takes the opportunity to close the distance.

“I told you before, didn’t I? Let me remind you: I'm the one who's here to humble you. I’m making the Lionett name known. _Not you_.”

Thoreau is speechless at first but eventually finds his voice. “A-And your point is…?”

“You recall what my ‘wench’ said to you the other day?” Beau responds, letting a little more venom creep into her tone. “About how I offered something to save my friend?”

She looks to the side… and notices Clara and TJ returning from upstairs. To Beau's surprise, they go to Thoreau’s study before heading out. They managed to pack a couple of satchels and meet up with Beau and Caleb, TJ staring in awe at the amber projection of the Major Image.

“My friend will remind you. But I wanna educate you on one more thing.”

Beau releases her grip on Thoreau’s broken wrist. "You wanna know what else that hag took? Nothing... except your happy future. _That_ is the misery she put upon you and what you'll always suffer. There was never going to be any danger of her 'coming back'. Do you finally understand? You kept us caged in this house, you destroyed my life and my childhood. **_FOR FUCKING NOTHING!_ **"

Beau turns to her mother and brother, they nod in response, and she takes Clara and TJ’s hands. Beau then takes one last look at Thoreau. “It was never TJ that would take on your ‘great name’. It’s me. And now we’ve come full circle… Father. Goodbye.”

Beau heads to the front door with Clara and TJ and proceeds to head down the hillside, but not before she gives another nod to Caleb. As Thoreau is left gobsmacked, the transmutation wizard waits until the trio is far out of earshot before turning his attention to the disgraced winery owner.

"In some way, _Herr_ Lionett, I made the same mistake. I had a family. A good one. But I destroyed it. Literally. But there was a time where I finally realized I was mistaken and manipulated, and I worked hard to make a change. Maybe I could consider the possibility that this hag is the reason why you acted like you did. But you had plenty of opportunities to turn the tide and you didn't. You don't deserve this family, so you shall not have it. Beauregard, _meine Schwester_ …. is not your misfortune. _This is._ "

He reaches into his pouch once more, dispelling the amber projection. “Before we leave, there’s something you need to see. You’re the reason why your daughter has been in so much pain for the majority of her life, but I don’t think you realize the extent of it, so I want you to see it with your own eyes.”

Caleb casts Major Image again, but this time he conjures what Beau had said to them after she made her offer. All of it, especially the anguish and despair on her face as she explains, unable to stop her tears. When it’s over, he looks back at Thoreau, who’s shocked.

“You made your own daughter and your whole family miserable and you’re paying the price now. Losing them is on you. The _only_ reason she’s still with us is because we pulled her back from the edge of oblivion. Because _you_ pushed her that far… or should I say, held her back too long, here at home and beyond.”

Thoreau ends up collapsing onto his knees, utterly shaken. Caleb kneels down to meet his eyes. “I'll do everything in my power to be a better brother to her than you were a father. And if you do send people after us… we’ll be back. And that is not an idle threat… Thoreau Lionett.”

With that, Caleb stands up and walks out the front door, leaving behind a silent shell of a man who truly lost everything. Because no one fucks with _his_ family.

Upon seeing Caleb approach from above, Beau calls out to him, “So… were you satisfied, man?”

“ _Ja_ ,” is all Caleb says, taking a moment to snap out of his cold Scourger persona. “I’m satisfied. But what do we do now? Just like that, we have a couple of wards to look after.” The two Empire Kids look on at Clara and TJ, the two of them seeming uncertain of what to do next.

“We’ll discuss it back in the tower, for however long it lasts. We’ll figure out where to go from there.”

Caleb nods. Clara then speaks up, “I have to admit, that felt liberating. And pretty good.”

“Mama!”

Clara looks at her son who is now all smiles. He does his “pop pop” imitation again, warming Beau’s heart and thawing out the coldness that lingered from the confrontation.

“Back to the tower?” Beau asks of Caleb.

“To the tower.”

* * *

When they get to the inn and they are about to enter the tower, Beau stops. Caleb looks at her, slightly concerned, “Beauregard?”

She looks at Caleb, then her mother holding TJ in her arms, and Caleb again. "I… I was going to choose Mom and TJ. I know I'd be giving up on the Nein... and on Yasha... but I love them so much."

There’s a mixture of affection and sadness on Clara’s face, and TJ must understand what she just said, at least partially, because he is suddenly very quiet and attentive.

Caleb keeps a stern face. He takes a deep breath and looks into the distance. “There are a lot of things I would do to see my family again, even just for a brief moment. So I can’t blame you.” He pauses and looks Beau in the eye. “Still, in all honesty, I’m really glad that you didn’t have to choose.”

He turns to Clara and bows his head a bit, “Thank you, _Frau_ Lionett... Clara.”

They exchange a look and just with that, they know they share the same purpose. The same determination to never see Beau as miserable as her father made her again. It lasts a few seconds, until they hear a sob and both turn.

Beau sniffles and rubs her eyes. “I’m sorry, Mom, and I’m sorry TJ. I tried to control myself, tried not to resort to violence, but he pushed me. I thought he was going to hurt TJ.”

“Beau, what are you talking about?” Clara uses her sleeve to wipe the tears from her face. “You stayed calm, even when he insulted your friends and hit you. You tried to reason him and warned him, but he didn’t listen.” TJ mimics his mother and wipes Beau’s tears. “I won’t tell you I’m happy that TJ saw that, but you did what you had to do. And what he saw was not his sister being violent, it was his sister protecting him.”

“But I didn’t want you two to see me like _that_.”

“Why? All I saw was a brave woman standing up for the ones she loves. There’s nothing bad about it and nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you gave me the courage I was lacking before and reminded me what was really important. So you don’t have to apologize. In fact, I should be thanking you, baby girl.”

Beau sniffles and starts scratching her neck. Caleb immediately notices. “Why don’t you carry your brother for a bit, while your mother goes through?”

“Yeah! Sistah!”

Beau immediately stops scratching to take her brother in her arms, and Caleb nods to himself. “Come on. We’ll have the cats prepare hot cocoa for everybody, with marshmallows.”

“Mar’mallows!” TJ shouts enthusiastically.

Caleb leans closer to Beau, “We can take care of them if you need to go shnuggle with your winged marshmallow.”

Beau smiles sadly, and then chuckles when TJ tries to repeat “shnuggle” with a curious expression.

“Thank you, Caleb.”

They all enter the tower and once they’re inside, Caleb shouts loud enough to be heard from the upper levels. “We’re back! And it looks like we have two new members in the Mighty Nein!”

Two heads, one with tattoos around the eyes, the other with blue skin, peek from the third floor. Even from this distance, Veth can see Beau has been crying as the group goes up onto the platform. Her first instinct is to make fun of it, but she knows better. The only times she saw Beau really crying were when Molly died and when she was speaking about something related to her father. She is coming back from her childhood house and her mother and brother are still with her, so it’s easy to know what must be the cause of her tears.

They levitate up to the salon and when they get here, Yasha has joined Veth and Jester. Caleb doesn’t stop and keeps going. “Whoever wants hot cocoa or tea, come with me.”

Jester immediately gets excited, “Me, me, me!” and follows him.

Veth looks between Beau and Yasha. “Hey, TJ! What about more spins, like we did yesterday?”

“Spins!”

“Come on!”

Beau releases TJ and Veth meets him mid-air. Clara nods at her daughter and follows the group. Once they’re on the fourth floor, Caleb speaks the command and the iris closes.

As soon as they’re alone, Yasha takes Beau’s hands with a concerned look. “What happened?”

“Gods, it was a mess,” she says with a sigh. “My father was horrible. I’d never seen him like that.”

“TJ and your mother, are they okay?”

“I think they are. He tried to take TJ from my mother, but I stopped him.”

“What about you?”

“I’m fine. Just a bit…” her voice cracks, but she keeps going, “Overwhelmed, I guess?” She tries to hold it, but she can’t. With no warning, she breaks into tears.

“Come here.” Yasha wraps her arms around Beau. “You’re okay, sweetheart. It’s over.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like I’m always crying these days.”

“Nothing to apologize for.”

“What did I do? I fucking broke his father’s wrist right in front of him. What kind of person does that… He’s just a kid, he won’t understand. What did I do, Yasha?”

“You said it yourself, he’s very smart. He will understand. And I know you, I know you’ve changed and you don’t act on impulse anymore. You proved it more than once in Eiselcross. I’m sure you were only defending your family.”

“Still… Maybe, I don’t know... I should have--” Her sobs cut her short and her weeping intensifies.

“Everything will be alright.” Beau tries to protest, but Yasha cups her cheek and brings her face up so that she looks at her. “Hey, listen to me. Your father is the only one to blame here. You did what you had to do, and you showed TJ that he should never let anyone hurt him the way Thoreau hurt the three of you. Sit with him, take some time to explain what he saw today. He will understand.”

Beau nods absent-mindedly. Yasha can see she’s not fully there. Earlier, she noticed the faint scratching marks on her neck.

“Beau? Are you with me?”

Her gaze focuses back on Yasha, but her expression is still haggard.

“Are you okay? Do you need me…” she pauses and glances at the still-closed iris before looking back at Beau, “Do you need me to bring you back a bit?”

Beau blinks. The innuendo seems to be enough to steady her. “No... No, I’ll be okay.” She hesitates. “Maybe later.”

“Okay. Do you want to join the others?”

“I’d like that, yeah.”

Yasha kisses her on top of the head and they open the iris to make their way to the upper floor. They sit at the dining table with the Nein and the Lionetts, and cats immediately come to inquire what they’d like to drink.

They take time to go over what happened at the estate and once they’re done, Clara sighs.

“I don’t know where we’re going to go now.”

“Don’t worry, Mom, we’ll figure it out. We will find a place for TJ and you, and in the meantime you can stay with us.”

“Where will you go next?”

“I don’t know. The return of my voice changes a lot of things.” She looks at the Nein. “We need to discuss it.”

Clara nods, “Can we use the guest room again?”

“Of course,” Caleb says with a polite tone. “But we will have to leave at the end of the day.”

“I just need to lay down a bit, and I think TJ needs to rest as well after the intensity of the morning.”

The little boy is sitting on his mother’s lap and is unusually quiet, his eyes half-closed.

“No problem, we still have a few hours ahead of us, and then we can spend the night at the inn.” He snaps his fingers and Frumpkin appears. He pets him, “Go with them, and come find me if they need anything.”

The cat meows and takes the ramps to go up when Clara stands.

“Thank you, to all of you.”

They all smile at her. Beau rubs her mother’s arm and kisses her brother on the cheek. “Take some rest, and send Frumpkin if you need something.”

“I will. One last thing, before I leave.”

Clara reaches into one of the satchels she took with her and pulls out three books. “I grabbed them for you before leaving. I’m sure your father- Thoreau has forgotten he had taken them from you in the first place.”

Beau’s eyes open wide when she recognizes the books. “Mom…” She takes them with trembling hands.

“Sorry they’re a decade late.”

Beau tries to speak, but her voice escapes her due to the emotion. Instead, she holds the books with one hand and signs with the other while mouthing the words, **Thank you.**

As sleepy as he is, TJ immediately mimics her motion, without even realizing he is signing an actual answer. Clara easily understands her daughter, but she seems confused on how to respond.

Jester smiles, “You can use the same sign,” and she demonstrates and speaks at the same time, **You’re welcome.**

Clara is a bit hesitant, but she looks at Beau and signs back. Her daughter smiles and hugs her. Clara whispers into Beau’s ear, “Fuck him.” Beau chuckles and they break apart.

Once Clara and TJ are gone and the iris is closed, Beau turns to the Nein.

“There’s something I need to tell you. Some of you already know, but you should all be informed.” She turns to Yasha, “We got interrupted this morning, but you need to hear the whole story.” She looks back at the group, “It must stay between us though, don’t tell my mother or TJ. I don’t want to put them through more stress.”

They all nod in agreement and listen closely. For once, no one comments or makes any jokes. They probably noticed her serious tone.

“I had a dream on the night before leaving for Kamordah.” She goes into another retelling of what she saw during that night and what happened. Those who already heard the story remain quiet, but the others are shocked, except Caleb who is often the most sensible of the party. She finishes by sharing the part of her conversation with Dairon she had let out previously, right down to the reopened scar, and just as she assumed, she notices a very visceral reaction out of Yasha again. When she is done, she waits expectantly, subconsciously spinning the dagger vertically on the table with her right hand.

Unsurprisingly, Caleb is the first to talk. “So Dairon and you think the curse is linked to this creature?”

“Might be. I don’t know. The curse is broken, but I heard whispers last night, so maybe we were wrong.”

“Or maybe the curse is not broken.”

“But I can speak,” Beau says, her voice beginning to quiver. “That said, it’s possible that it’s far from over. Maybe I’m able to resist it better?”

“Actually…” They all turn to Caduceus. “M-Maybe I can help with that.”

He stands up and sits directly on the floor. They quickly understand what he’s doing when they see him prepare a ritual they’ve watched him execute many times before.

“What do you want me to ask?”

Beau thinks for a moment, “You only have three questions, right?”

Caduceus nods, “The answer must be yes or no.”

“First and foremost, is the curse still holding? Then, is this curse more than it appears? And last… I don’t know if you should ask if it’s pre-Calamity or if we can find information at the Archive.”

“I can ask two questions and then we’ll see depending on the answers we receive.”

“Sounds good.”

He closes his eyes and concentrates for a minute before asking his first question.

“The curse that silenced Beauregard and robbed her of her voice, is it still holding?”

Even in this pocket dimension, his goddess reaches him. His hair slightly floats, as if wind is blowing, but none of them can feel it.

“The answer is not final, but she says yes.”

Beau clenches her jaw, “Fuck.”

Caduceus opens one eye, “Should I ask the second one?”

“Yeah, go on.”

He closes his eyes, “Is this curse more than it appears?”

This time, his hair moves more briskly, leading them to believe the wind is picking up and the answer is franker.

“Yes.”

Beau inhales and exhales deeply. “Okay.” She looks at all of her friends. “What should we ask?”

No one answers for a bit… until it’s Yasha who speaks up. “Are there clues that can be found among us to discern its identity?”

Beau’s not sure where Yasha’s going with such a vague question, but she’s not going to question her on it. She gives Caduceus the go-ahead. Just like the previous answer, the wind is steady… but this time it seems to have a very defined direction. Caduceus opens his eyes and stares at Beau with a frown. “I-I think you’re probably the key somehow.”

Beau’s frown is just as heavy. “Me? How could I...” She trails off, maybe daring to feel a flicker of hope and maybe a bit of irony. It couldn’t be, but… “I need to go do some reading.”

Beau’s about to leave for her room before Caleb interrupts. “The tower will soon vanish, remember? Maybe… wait until I recast it?”

Beau pauses for a bit, then nods. “May as well wake up our new guests, then.”

Within minutes, the nine of them emerge from the cupboard and in short order Caleb reconstructs the tower. Upon re-entering, Beau then promptly excuses herself and floats up to her floor and like a boulder from a trebuchet, she makes a run for her room. Down in the entrance hall, the Nein exchange skeptical looks but otherwise they go about their business.

* * *

When it comes time for dinner, though, Beau still hasn’t come back. They are gathered in the salon, waiting as the cats are cooking. For once, Caduceus takes the night off and leaves it to them. He has taught them a few tricks of his own, they can manage decent seasoning now.

“What was that all about? And why was she clutching those books so tight? They’re just books,” Fjord remarks.

“Ten years ago, on her fifteenth birthday, we bought those books together,” Clara explains. “Thoreau kept them under lock and key. To this day I wish I opposed him better.”

Veth has a puzzled look on her face. “Huh. Maybe they have the answer? But how could ten-year-old books be of any help now?”

Clara turns to Veth. “We bought them ten years ago, yes. But… those were old books. And I mean, _old books_. Imported from the Cobalt Reserve in Westruun before being bought by the shopkeeper here in town.”

“ _History of the Truscan Vale_ , _The Calamity and Its Repercussions on Modern Society_ , _Religions and Deities of Exandria_.” Caleb says as everybody suddenly turns to him. “It was on the spines. Books are often surprising, so… why not? Oftentimes, the door to the future requires keys from the past.”

“That’s rather poetic of you, Cayleb,” Jester says with a teasing tone. “You sure you don’t wanna be a poet?”

Yasha can’t help but smirk; it’s only reminding her of their own attempt at poetry, not too long ago.

“In fact, I think I recall seeing a second volume, a companion piece of that book about the Calamity, back in Rosohna, while Essek and I were trying to figure out how to help Beauregard. And there was one word that was repeatedly cited. Some sort of… entity? Fiend? We weren’t sure if it had any relation to Beauregard’s condition, so it didn’t seem important.”

Veth nods. “Yeah, I recall that book. Truth be told, history’s not my strong suit. But still… what was that word again, Lebby?”

Caleb strokes his chin, trying to recall. “From what I understand, and from what we all know, the Age of Arcanum was quite a time of wonder. But it was also rife with dangers.”

Jester and Yasha share a look. Fjord pipes up. “Uh, Caleb?”

Caleb shakes his head. “Later, Fjord. Now… as I said, it also had its dangers, of course. Sometimes arcanists were able to conjure up creatures born purely out of magic. Truly frightening.”

“Caleb!” Now it’s Veth yelling at him.

“Not now! Anyway, there was only one account of such a being. A being that strikes fear into the hearts of its victims, often taking their forms or those of their loved ones, a curse that robs them of their strength of heart, first their voice, then their soul. I honestly thought it was just fiction conceived by a madman, it just sounds too unreal, and I’m a practitioner of the arcane! But still, what if--”

“Wait!” Clara is staring at him with her eyes wide open. “Wh-What are you talking about? You… You think such a thing hurt my girl?! She explained the curse, but she didn’t say anything about a fiend.” TJ seems way more interested by the stained glass than he is by the conversation, but as soon as he hears his mother’s voice, he listens closely.

Caleb is so ecstatic and so deep into his rambling that he keeps talking over the others.

Fjord shakes his head. “A couple of hours, at best. We lasted a couple of hours. Beau asked _one_ thing of us, and we couldn’t do it, we couldn’t keep our mouths shut. What’s wrong with us?”

Caduceus just shakes his head in disappointment, sipping his tea.

Jester and Yasha and even Veth are staring at Caleb. Or… are they staring _past_ him?

“ _Was?!_ Too late now! I was getting to my point. You’re worse than Beauregard on her worst days. I’m sorry, Clara, but it needs to be said. I can’t be delicate about it! _ANYWAY! This creature, if it’s real, it did go by a name! And I think it was called--_ ”

Caleb freezes as he feels a tap on his shoulder. He finally looks at Fjord and then follows the direction the half-orc is pointing…

_“Verdammt...”_

...coming face-to-face with the very image of a dark-skinned, long-haired, blue-eyed twenty-five years old Expositor of the Cobalt Soul who looks like she has seen a ghost.

“The Heartsbane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. That was a lot. Thoreau was left a broken shell of a man, Clara and TJ are now a part of the Mighty Nein family, and at last we have clues to the curse's origin... and a name.
> 
> What happens next? You'll see.


	13. I'll Keep Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faintly I'll go/To take this head on/Wipe those tears off/And make your heart proud  
> Soon I'll come around/Lost and never found/Waiting for my words  
> Seen but never.../Buried underground/But I'll keep coming
> 
> I'll keep coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expositor Lionett exposits on the curse monster within, the Mighty Nein zoom back to Zadash, and Dairon and Zeenoth warmly welcome Beau back to her rightful station... and grant her an actual vacation for once.

Caleb nods and repeats, “The Heartsbane.”

Beau nods, and then she notices Clara and TJ staring at her as if she was on her deathbed.

“I would say ‘You don’t need to hear this’, but...” She then glares at Caleb. “Guess it’s too late now. At least put TJ to sleep, please.”

“No sleepy...” TJ protests, despite his yawning. It’s so endearing and it lifts a bit of the tension in the salon.

“It’s bedtime, TJ. Come on, I’ll go tuck you in,” Clara insists, and TJ doesn’t put up much resistance in his current state. “I’ll… be right back. I want to hear this, from your own lips, Beauregard.”

“Sure.”

Clara excuses herself and levitates herself and her son up to the fifth floor, towards the guest room. A couple of _“auf/zu”s_ later, and she returns to her chair in the salon. “You were saying, Beauregard? What is this ‘Heartsbane’?”

Beau can’t help but smile a bit. Clara’s taking this well, all things considered, after her initial reaction. Perhaps because it’s Beau who is taking the reins in the exposition.

“Yeah, it was something that attacked me in my dreams. Something was bugging me about that first encounter. I had shared my thoughts with Dairon before we left Zadash.”

She then goes into full disclosure about the dream, the encounter, and everything she learned from the deep dive into her books just hours ago.

“As I assumed, it’s a pre-Calamity thing. We’re talking ‘Age of Arcanum’ shit here. _Old_ magic. So old, in fact, it called itself ‘unique’. So… the good news is, there’s only one of it in existence. The bad news...”

“It’s inside you,” Yasha says matter-of-factly.

“Yeah. Lucky me, the one person who never felt truly loved until a year or so ago. Real nice job singling _me_ out, you wizard fucks,” Beau rambles.

“Is there a way to, you know, get rid of it?” Veth asks.

Beau frowns, pulling out her journals. “I mean no offense to Caleb or Essek’s efforts, but you guys were completely off-base. It’s not as simple as dispelling a spell, it’s an actual creature born of magic. So it might have to be expelled differently. As for how I was able to get my voice back… well, that part I realized as it happened.”

“How?” Caleb asked, completely dumbstruck. “What did we do wrong?”

Beau sighs, still amused that part of the answer was given to her nonchalantly. "‘ _Sometimes it's better to speak with your heart than with your mind’._ That was something Essek said to me one day after one of our failed attempts. Guess he realized part of the solution. But there was more to it.”

She goes into her journals and looks up her notes. “The Heartsbane’s whole shtick is to deprive its victims of hope, of feeling like they’re loved or can love. One such method is to rob a victim of their voice. To rob them of any chance of… reciprocation." She looks at Yasha as she says this. “But… if they do believe otherwise, and are willing to seek it out, that force of will is enough to break that part of the curse. I got attacked on the night…” she hesitates briefly and looks only at Yasha when she speaks, “... on the night I said ‘I love you’. I think that thing wasn’t really happy with that. So it tried to rend my heart out. Well, technically my _soul_ out so it could possess me. But I managed to survive, though not unscathed.”

She rubs the chest scar, twice scarred now, that is visible to everyone. “That said, the Heartsbane is still inside the victim. Inside me. As for how to get it out… I still don’t know, but that might involve this.”

Yasha, anticipating that she’d bring it up, pulls out the dagger from her satchel. Upon placing it on the table, Beau continues, “I have a feeling that this dagger is connected to expelling it, but I’ll need to go find that second volume that Caleb mentioned to find out more now that we know what we’re looking for… or even what this dagger _is_.”

“One thing’s for sure,” Caduceus pipes up, “the Assembly picked a lousy victim.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Cad?” Beau says to the firbolg.

“You’re a lousy victim because you’ve already proven them wrong.”

Jester speaks up. “That’s true! You managed to unsilence yourself, so this curse is not unbeatable!”

The Nein just bombard Beau with affirmations and acknowledgements… but there’s still one among them who is silent. Beau meets her gaze. “Mom?”

Clara just barely holds back tears. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m glad my little girl is this strong. And I’m glad you’re still with us.”

Beau nods slightly, trying to not break down in front of everyone. “Me too.”

Once the euphoria of finally getting a few pieces of the puzzle together has faded a bit, they take the time to try to gather their thoughts. Beau looks at Jester, “Can you send a message to Dairon, please?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah. I have to inform them of the discovery and the return of my voice, I still haven’t told them.”

“Okay. What do you want me to say?”

Beau thinks for a moment. “Beau’s voice is back, but the curse is not broken. We have a name: Heartsbane. When can we meet?”

Jester casts, “Hello, Dairon! It’s Jester. Beau has her voice back, but the curse is not broken. We have a name: Heartsbane. When can we meet?” She sees Fjord has one last finger up. “Pooping?”

Clara throws her a perplexed look as the Nein gives her nothing but shrugs.

The answer comes in shortly after and Jester repeats it, “Good news. I’m busy tonight, but Beau can meet me tomorrow morning at the Archive. I’ll task archivists to research that name.” She waits a little longer, but she doesn’t hear anything else. “They didn’t answer my last question. They had three words left!” she says as a protestation.

Fjord grins and blushes a little as he stares at Jester with a mixture of amusement and deep affection. Beau raises her eyebrows and then turns to Yasha and stares at her as if saying “Tell me we were not like this.” Yasha hides an amused smile.

Clara looks a bit confused, but also entertained. “Does this happen a lot? Just… wasting words on saying that stuff?”

Beau sighs and facepalms. “She’s always like this, Mom. Always eager to get the most out of her twenty-five words… and not always succeeding.”

Jester pouts a little. “It’s not fair that I have to use all twenty-five, yet not everyone else has to!”

“Then… maybe don’t use all twenty-five? No one said you had to.” Clara points out. “Plus, what if you ask something… that… makes someone angry enough to hurt you? Or kill you?”

Jester shrugs off the concern. “I’m not worried! We’re super-powerful, we can handle anything.” But upon glancing up at the stained glass, her expression darkens a bit. “Well… _almost_ anything.”

They share awkward looks, and Beau quickly speaks to clear the tension, “Should we spend the night here and teleport to Zadash tomorrow morning?”

Caleb nods, “ _Ja_. Dairon is busy for now and I just recast, so we might as well enjoy the tower for the night.”

No one objects as they all depart to their chambers, the tension still lingering as the night passes. The next morning, as they are having breakfast, Beau suddenly exclaims, “Jester! Send a message to Zeenoth. Now, before we forget.”

“Dairon made an appointment with you, they know we’re coming.”

“Maybe she didn’t warn them. Better safe than sorry.”

“Actually,” Veth says, “I remember very distinctly you saying on several occasions that it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”

“We’re not asking permission, we’re warning them. And technically I'm not an Expositor right now, thus the warning. And we're bringing Mom and TJ with us. Not taking chances on anything right now."

Jester rolls her eyes as they start bickering and casts, “Hello, Archivist Zeenoth! This is Jester, your favorite little blue tiefling!” She speaks as if introducing an upcoming performance. “The Mighty Nein will be here shortly with two surprise guests! ... Want some pancakes?”

“Pancakes!” TJ exclaims. “I want pancakes!”

Clara points at his plate. “You already have one and you’re not even eating it.” She scowls her daughter, who is sitting on the other side of TJ and is apparently done with her childish argument with Veth. “Beauregard, stop giving him candies for breakfast!”

“But look how cute he is! How can I refuse anything when he asks with these eyes?”

“Yeah… I remember someone else who used to do this to coax me. TJ, eat your pancake.” She cuts a piece for him and puts the fork in his hand, but instead of eating, he turns to Jester when she repeats the answer she just got.

“He says they will be ready to welcome us and we can bring pancakes.”

“No, fuck him,” Beau answers.

Clara frowns. “I’m not so sure. I mean, you can’t blame this Zeenoth character when it was your father that might have bribed him.”

Beau does a double-take. “Wait, what?”

Clara turns to her daughter. “Recall when you told me about when this man and your mentor found you? What did they say again? That they didn’t see you as a burden? And that he claimed you agreed to join the monastery?”

Beau’s eyes narrow. “What about it?”

“Thoreau never mentioned anything about that. And you weren’t there when they talked, right? So… what if Thoreau outright lied to him about your compliance?”

Beau growls a bit. Yet another reason to hate the old man, using “connections” to lie his way through any deal… if that was true, that is. “Anyway. Let’s finish breakfast and head to Zadash.”

Clara notices her daughter’s frustration and lets it go.

Once breakfast is over, they gather their stuff, leave the tower and head out of the inn. Caleb looks around. “Is there an alley somewhere, where I can draw? Without mud, preferably.”

Beau puts a hand on his shoulder. “You’re asking too much, man. We can provide the alley, but it will come with mud.”

“I guess I can work with it. Dirt is my specialty, after all.”

“Don’t say that, Cayleb! You’re very clean now.”

He blushes a bit and smiles, “Thank you, Jester. I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“I know a relatively dry place,” Beau quips. “Follow me.”

Beau leads them into what on the surface looks like a nondescript storehouse near the town limits. As she steps inside, she taps the floor and upon hearing a familiar hollow sound, she is met with just a bit of nostalgia. She then beckons the Nein plus two into the storehouse, finds the handle, and lifts the hidden door to reveal a hatch leading downward.

“It’s one of my safe houses from my brief stint of smuggling. Glad it can still be useful.”

One by one, the Nein enters the subterranean alcove as Caleb uses his dancing lights to illuminate the space. Definitely dry enough. And surprisingly there are still some vintage wine bottles on the racks. Who could’ve known that what got her arrested and subsequently abducted would lead to yet another exodus from this shithole, only for a more noble cause?

"Take all the wine! Not coming back anyway," Veth shouts out.

As Fjord reluctantly shoves all the bottles in the bag of holding, Caleb gets to work and draws the circle. Within a short moment, the patterns are drawn and only one needs to be added. He turns to TJ, who is standing next to him and has been watching him, just like he did when Caleb summoned the tower. “Maybe we will make a wizard out of you. Would you like that?”

“Wi… Wiza’?”

“Hands off, Widogast,“ Beau says with a grin. “He is Soul material.”

Fjord crouches down next to TJ, “I’m sure we could make you a great pirate.”

Clara clears her throat, “All those are great plans, but I think it would be safer to wait until he is old enough to make a decision and stick to it. Right, Caduceus?”

He exchanges a smile with her and nods.

“Why choose?” Beau intervenes. “You’re so smart, you could probably multitask.” She offers her fist, and TJ giggles and bumps it.

“She’s not wrong,” Fjord says. “I mean, I may be a paladin of the Wildmother, but I still have my powers from my old pact, only it’s through her now.”

“So Melora is your sugar mama?” Jester teases as she elbows Fjord.

The levity is much needed after the past couple days, and yet Beau can’t help but think that there is indeed truth. Anyone could diversify their skill set if they wanted to.

 _Hmm… I’ll have to think about that a bit. And TJ could do well with brains and brawn. I actually could see him be a monk with a spellbook… Nice mixture of his two siblings! Gods… maybe even_ I _could pull that off. Maybe._

TJ looks at Jester with an intrigued expression. “Suga’ mama?”

“A sugar mama is a woman who gives you money in exchange for--”

Clara instantly covers TJ’s ears. “Alright, alright! He’s three, I don’t think he needs to know that now.”

“I mean, I was four when I learned it, so technically…”

“Marion’s kid, remember?” Beau points out to Clara.

“Oh. Right.”

“Are we ready to go?” Caleb asks.

They all nod, and he looks at TJ. “It’s going to be a bit weird, little man. But by now, you’ve proven that you’re very brave, so I’m sure you won’t be afraid. You might even find it funny.”

“If he pukes, that’s on you,” Beau says with a grin.

Caleb smiles back. “Go with your sister, and if you feel like you’re going to throw up, aim for her.”

TJ frowns. “No. Sistah beautiful.” He reaches out and Beau takes him in her arms. She turns to Caleb and sticks her tongue out much like a cat blep-ing, and her brother mimics her.

Fjord snorts, “You two are ridiculous.”

They turn in unison and glare at him.

“Ridiculously cute, I mean.” He tries to backpedal further, only to have his ear pulled… by Clara of all people.

“They are my children, young man.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. They’re both really cute and really beautiful. I’m sure they got it from you.”

Jester and Veth chuckle as they are witnessing the tall half-orc being lectured by the quite small woman. Yasha and Caduceus share a look and grin.

Caleb slightly smiles, “Tell me when you’re done hurting the feelings of a mother and we can go.”

Clara lets go of Fjord, who massages his ear a bit, and Veth shouts, “To Zadash!” And with that, Caleb draws the last symbol and they all step through.

* * *

A brief flash of light later, the Mighty Nein plus two more appear in the Archive and are greeted by Zeenoth and some other archivists.

He bows his head respectfully, “Beauregard. Mighty Nein.” He then turns to Clara and his eyes widen a bit. He briefly looks at TJ in Beau’s arms, who is ecstatic after the teleportation, and goes back to Clara. “I wondered who were the surprise guests Miss Lavorre mentioned, but, well… The resemblance is striking, so I’m not sure I need to ask.”

“Zeenoth, meet my mother Clara and my brother TJ.”

The archivist stares at her in shock. “You-You can speak?”

“I can. It seems this journey to Kamordah was beneficial in many ways.” She turns to Clara and Yasha, and they share a loving smile.

“Well...” He’s a bit hesitant. “I’m glad your voice is back. And I’m glad to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Lionett.”

“The pleasure is mine.”

Beau speaks up, intent on getting down to business. “I have an appointment with Expositor Dairon, so we won’t bother you any longer.”

“Should we expect your father to arrive soon?”

“If he does show up, don’t let him inside the Archive. He never visited when I was a student here, but maybe now that he needs something from me, he might come.”

Zeenoth looks at Beau with curiosity. “I hope I’m not being too forward asking, but what do you mean?”

“I’ll have a word with Dairon about it and they will probably pass it on to you. We have to leave now. Thank you, Archivist Zeenoth.”

He remains silent and simply nods as they leave the room. Beau walks the group to her quarters and ushers them inside. Clara and TJ are in awe upon discovering a new environment, but Beau doesn’t linger on it.

“Sorry to leave you here, but I have to talk to my mentor ASAP. We will visit the city later, I promise.” She turns to the party. “Take care of them while I’m gone.”

If anyone wants to protest, no one has the opportunity. She puts a kiss on TJ’s head, puts him in Clara’s arms, kisses her on the cheek, and she is out of the room. Beau then makes her way to Dairon’s office and quickly receives an answer when she knocks as the door opens. “Hello, Expositor Dairon.”

“Hello, Expositor.”

Beau was about to ask permission to sit, but she freezes. “‘Expositor'? You mean...?”

A thin smile rises on Dairon’s face. “I’m glad that I’m the one stunning you, for once.”

“Wasn’t the first time, you know? It’s how you literally beat the hesitation out of me when we first met.” Beau is left shaking her head. “And for the record, had you pressed on, you could’ve killed me… yet you held back. Glad you did.”

“I’m not going to lie, it was pretty impressive to see you were able to take so much. You _are_ a stubborn one.”

“I’m a survivor,” Beau says with just a little pride.

“And I hope you will have the opportunity to prove that to the ones who doubted it… The Cerberus Assembly should be taught a lesson, don’t you think?”

Beau is beaming up, but the good sensation quickly dies down upon remembering what happened the last time she had such drive. “I do think so. I just don’t want to make any more mistakes. So… should I keep laying low?”

“It would be wise. You are _officially_ reinstated, but ordered to stay away. From now on, you won’t work on any matter related to the Assembly.” Dairon is showing a face that offers no room for argument. Straight and to the point.

Beau nods to her mentor. “That’s fair. I just had to deal with my… old man not too long ago, so… bad idea to focus on the Assembly right now. Honestly...” She gestures to her whole presence. “I need a vacation. Time to bond with Mom and TJ.”

Dairon gives a slight nod. “About that… Zeenoth mentioned something about… guests? I assume it’s those two?”

“Yes, they’re here. I left them in my quarters with the Mighty Nein.”

Dairon nods with a pensive expression. “Sit down, please.”

Beau does as told, and Dairon rests on her desk and leans forward. “Do you want to talk about it, or should we move on? Your father, I mean.”

“He’s not my father anymore,” Beau says matter-of-factly. “He made that crystal clear the moment he tried to take my mom and brother away from me.”

Her expression turns very troubled for a moment before continuing. “About Thoreau… He had a talk with Zeenoth about me ‘joining’ the Soul. And you were there when Zeenoth claimed that I agreed, which was a lie. I need to know: who lied to whom?”

Dairon sighs. “Expositors are not involved in the training of initiates. We have other things to deal with, which you’ve noticed yourself. But we are sometimes solicited for students who show exceptional abilities or… are difficult." Beau notices Dairon's expression twisting a bit before going neutral once more. "Zeenoth talked about you even before asking for my help when he was looking for you. He said you didn’t like authority very much, but he could see potential in you, and when I asked about your story, he told me you had agreed to join the Soul.”

“Only _after_ Thoreau slapped me in the fucking face," Beau tells them, reaching for her neck to scratch before consciously stopping herself. "I’m just… uncertain about whose story is true. Even now, I’m starting to doubt that Zeenoth was that much of an asshole. I mean, he could’ve been lied to the whole time and never knew it. It’s taken me a while, but… I do feel like he really wanted to help. He just did it wrong. I’m not one for absolute discipline. I’m a woman of action. But you… You helped me balance those needs.”

Dairon doesn’t answer right away. She intertwines her fingers and looks down with intensity. After a moment, she looks back at Beau. “I have to say I was surprised when I heard monks were sent to pick you up. That’s not how things usually go when acolytes seek us out willingly. But I have no answer for you. As I said, I don’t deal with this and before Zeenoth mentioned you to me, I had never heard about you. I think you should discuss it with him, you two probably have a lot to share. After all, you’re a seeker of truth, so you might as well go directly to the source.”

Beau sighs. “True. Maybe I should do that. Or… I’ll worry about it later. Right now, I just wanna be with my family… my actual blood family, and the Mighty Nein.”

Dairon gives a nod of assent. “Very fair. Then I grant your leave of absence for the time being, Expositor. Please… take the time you need to rest. You’ve earned it.”

Beau nods, but doesn’t leave her seat just yet. “Also… I have a favor to ask. I don’t know if you could, but...”

“Tell me.”

“I guess you’ve figured it out by now, but Thoreau and I didn’t part on good terms. He said he would come after me… well, after my mother and brother actually. I think Caleb might have threatened him? I’m not sure. But I don’t know if it will be enough.”

“Are you asking me to assign protection to your family?” Dairon asks with a rise of her eyebrows.

“No, that won’t be needed. I just wanted to know if you could pass the word, tell everybody here that if Thoreau Lionett reaches out, he should not be answered.” Beau fidgets a bit before saying, “ _‘T_ _he Soul is not responsible for what their members do in their spare time.’_ Your words. But still, can this be done as a personal favor?”

Dairon deeply sighs, “If the decision was only mine, I would gladly agree. But it’s not. What we can do, however, is figure out if your father did lie. _That_ would be enough to label him as an individual who duped the Cobalt Soul and therefore is not to be trusted.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, because that was my ‘contingency request’,” Beau replies.

Dairon grins in amusement, “You always find a way to bend the system to your will, don’t you, Beauregard?”

“As I told you before… I’m just doing what you told me to do.”

They share an understanding look before Dairon goes back to a more serious expression. “Very well. Should I call Archivist Zeenoth in to deal with it right away?”

“I wanted to wait, but I should probably just take care of it right now and finally close this chapter of my life. Let’s do it.”

Dairon sends an archivist and a few minutes later, Zeenoth enters her office.

“Thank you for joining us, Archivist Zeenoth. Have a seat.”

He sits down on the second chair facing Dairon’s desk, next to Beau.

“Expositor Beauregard has questions for you, and I would like to hear your answers as well.”

He seems preoccupied, almost afraid, “Are… Are you two going to beat me up like you did last time?”

“No, not at all.”

He sighs in relief and Dairon and Beau exchange a brief look. Beau needed to learn new techniques when it happened, but maybe, if they’re honest with themselves, they feel a bit bad about it.

“This is about her fa- Thoreau Lionett,” she quickly corrects, “and the circumstances in which she ended up joining the Cobalt Soul. But I’ll let her explain and ask what she needs to know.” She gives Beau a nod.

“We never discussed openly what Thoreau told you, but when Dairon and you found me in Trostenwald, you said something that drew my attention. What did he say when he asked you to take me in?”

“In terms of… ?”

“Just tell me how it happened.”

Zeenoth takes a moment to think and deliver a version as truthful as possible of the story. “I met your father in Kamordah. I was travelling there and I’m a bit of a wine amateur...”

Beau can see Dairon rolling her eyes, but she keeps focus on Zeenoth and tries not to smile.

“So I bought a couple of bottles from your father before leaving town. His wine has quite a reputation and I wanted to taste it for myself. We chatted a bit, you know, just the usual conversations between a salesman and a customer. I mentioned I was from the Cobalt Soul and he seemed to know a bit about it. Then I left, and that was it.”

“Did he contact you after that?”

“I’m getting there. You’re just as impatient as you used to be.”

It’s now Beau’s turn to roll her eyes. "Don't start something. Just get to the point."

"Anyway, a few months later, I received a letter from your father.”

“Thoreau.”

Zeenoth seems a bit surprised by the correction and the harsh tone, but he doesn’t comment and resumes. “It was presented to me as a letter from a generous donor.”

Beau clenches her fists but doesn’t interrupt him.

“Thoreau was saying he had a daughter, who was causing quite a lot of problems. He told me about some of your misdemeanors and mentioned you didn’t want to take on the family business. He called you… I’m sorry to say, but he called you his misfortune.”

Beau scoffs, “Don’t worry about it. He said it to my face multiple times, so no big deal.”

Zeenoth seems a bit ill-at-ease, but he keeps going. “But he also said that you wanted to leave the family house to find your own path. He said he wanted to give you the opportunity to make things right and correct your wrongs, so he talked about his encounter with me, and you agreed to join the Cobalt Soul.”

He pauses and waits for an answer or a reaction. Beau is looking in the distance, deep into thoughts, but she motions for him to continue.

“I sent my response, saying that the Archive was always ready to welcome those who wanted to follow the ways of the Knowing Mistress. Shortly after, I received another letter, with… a very impressive amount of gold pieces. He asked that monks were to be sent to come pick you up. It was an unusual request, but he explained he couldn’t accompany you to Zadash himself and you had never left Kamordah, so he was afraid something might happen to you on the way. He said that part of the gold was intended to cover the tuition and the travel of the missioned monks, and the rest was a donation to the Archive, to help a great organization that was doing a lot of good for the Empire.”

“And you complied to his request.”

“If you are asking me all of this, I assume some things were left in the dark. But you have to know that he had indeed been giving money to the Archive for some time.”

“Are you insisting on that part because you think that the fact my father apparently planned my abduction will make me feel better?”

Zeenoth seems confused, “I-I’m just saying the Archive has its flaws and, well... it’s probably more compliant with people who are considered good friends.”

Beau crosses her arms and leans into her chair. “If you recall when exactly you visited Kamordah, I suggest you check the Archive’s accounts. I assume a place like this must be keeping records, right? It will probably be very fun to see how short after your visit his donations started coming in.”

Realization seems to fall upon Zeenoth as he is left speechless.

Dairon clears her throat. “If you can tell us when you were in Kamordah, Archivist Zeenoth, we will make the necessary verifications.”

Zeenoth looks pretty shaken up. “Wha-What am I supposed to understand?”

“That Thoreau probably fooled you, like he did with a lot of people,” Beau says in a stern tone. “I think it’s high time we set the record straight.”

She unfolds her arms and sits upright. “As I said before, I didn’t agree to shit. Thoreau never talked to me about the Cobalt Soul. When the monks came, I was the only one completely unaware of what was going on. My mother confessed to me she knew, but didn’t have the courage to stand up to him and just let it happen. So, yeah… I was probably a shithead when I was still your student. I get that I was stubborn and annoying. But I think I have my reasons considering that strangers fucking showed up at the door and took me away against my will. Thoreau called me his misfortune that night, and he slapped me, if you want to know the full story. Only after he did that, I went with the monks, but it was not a choice. What you call agreeing was me finally coming to the realization that there was nothing left for me in that house. So yeah, I came with them, but it was definitely not a choice.”

Zeenoth tries to compose himself after this diatribe. “I’m… I’m sorry, Beauregard. I had no idea.”

“It’s okay. Lying and all this shit are what he does best. You’re not the first one he misled and you probably won’t be the last one. Although I hope the last days will give him thoughts to reflect upon.”

Dairon can see how shaken Zeenoth is and feels a bit pained. “If you have nothing else to ask, Expositor, I think you can take your leave, Archivist Zeenoth. Thank you for your help.”

He weakly nods and stands up. As he is about to leave, Dairon calls again, “Zeenoth?” He turns to face her. “Don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? I don’t know this man personally, but he seems to be quite despicable. And I will never disagree on the fact that no matter what, Beauregard is indeed an asshole.”

Beau throws her an offended look that she ignores. Zeenoth seems to feel slightly less guilty, but he still looks miserable as he leaves the office.

As soon as the door is closed, Beau turns to Dairon. “I feel bad for him now.”

“He is not responsible, and you are not either. He will come to terms with that.” Dairon straightens her stance. “We will go through the accounts, as you suggested. We should get an answer shortly. If your theory is confirmed, we will be able to keep him away from the Archive and ensure he can’t get any information about your family through the Cobalt Soul.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Now… The Heartsbane, huh? What about that curse?”

Beau’s gaze immediately gets intense and her focus sharpens as she leans forward and starts explaining what bits of information she found. Compared to a few weeks ago, it feels liberating to finally be making progress. It gives Beau hope that she can overcome it eventually.

As she speaks, Dairon listens closely and takes notes. She asks a few questions to make sure to get the whole picture, or at least as much of it as possible, since this is still an unfinished puzzle.

“And you believe you can secure the remaining pieces of the puzzle elsewhere?”

Beau nods. “Yes. Our… friend in Rosohna has that second book that may prove to be the key. I’ll have Jester send a message to him as soon as possible.”

“Good. The sooner we can get rid of this problem, the better. I will keep archivists working on this task as well, and give them the information you uncovered. If your mother says the book she offered you originally came from our sister archive in Tal’Dorei, it’s possible we have something else."

Dairon closes their notebook and looks at Beau, "But in the meantime, Beauregard, you remember what we are asking of you, correct?”

“Yup. I’m on vacation, no official Soul business and _definitely_ no interference against the Assembly.” Beau notices Dairon giving her a skeptical look. “I’m serious. I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t want to get captured again; once was enough, and I can only imagine the lengths they’d go to ‘break’ me if they tried.”

Despite seeming calm, deep down Beau’s heart wavers a little with dread. She’d only heard about the cruelty the Assembly was capable of from Caleb, and most recently from Ikithon himself during that dinner. And seeing as how the Volstruckers were “forged” in the first place… it’s a fate she wants to avoid.

“Be assured that we are still working on the investigation you had been assigned to. But until we are ready to land a deadly strike, we can’t act recklessly. I am explicitly ordering that you wait for my signal.”

“I know, Expositor. You have my word,” Beau states plainly and with a hundred percent certainty that not even Dairon can question. And Dairon herself can see it: she’s far removed from the runaway acolyte she first met in Trostenwald.

“Good. Now then… since you’ll be on leave, you’ll still need some sort of identification should you be using the other archives. That being said...” Dairon reaches into their desk and pulls out a small pin. Beau notices that the pin is the insignia of the Cobalt Soul, similar to what she wore as part of her winter garb in Eiselcross, only this one is less ornate yet has special runes etched into the surface.

“Consider this pin as a badge of your rank and position. And if you need to, you can retrieve your Expositor sash from your vestments.” Dairon smirks a little. “On a personal note, at least your current attire is practical and inconspicuous… even if you have to wear sleeves.”

“Meh. Sacrifices must be made,” Beau jokingly says as she takes the pin and attaches it to the lapel of her tunic. “Speaking of… I’m not cutting this again. Not for a while.” She points to her full head of hair.

Dairon shrugs. “I wasn’t even going to ask, but alright. You’re dismissed, Expositor Lionett.”

“Expositor Dairon.”

Beau gives a nod and bow as Dairon walks her to the door and opens it. “Remember what I told you.”

"Listen. Be patient. Stay alive."

Dairon nods, “Good. Now--”

She suddenly stops and, in unison with Beauregard, looks at Zeenoth, who has apparently been waiting in the hallway.

“May I ask what you are doing here, Archivist Zeenoth?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. I wasn’t listening, I just came back, because I wanted to tell you something,” he says while looking at Beau.

Beau gives him a distrusting stare. “Zeenoth...”

Zeenoth sighs. “No, I was listening in. I do have to tell you something, but there’s also something else.”

Beau is visibly upset and Zeenoth quickly speaks before she has the opportunity to get mad at him, “I’m sorry I listened, but perhaps it’s a good thing I did. It just proved that I might have been wrong about you.”

Beau’s expression changes for curiosity, “The hell?”

“I really wanted to help you when you became an acolyte, but I think I wasn’t the right teacher for you. Dairon was probably right saying I couldn’t do anything for you. I tried, and the sad part is that even if I had known the full story at that time, I might not have been a good fit for you. Or you for me? I don’t know. What I mean to say is... I’m sorry, Beauregard.”

Beau is left speechless, her mouth ajar as she was about to speak but stopped before emitting any sound.

“Maybe our assignment system is not good,” he risks a glance at Dairon, but she doesn’t react and just listens silently. “Maybe we should try to better sort out students. A bit more flexibility might not be a bad thing.” He looks at Dairon again, still no reaction. ”Or… perhaps it’s we who need to be more flexible. Perhaps our old ways have become too archaic, we’ve become too comfortable, too afraid to push harder. But we archivists are not meant to be fighters. You are, however, meant for such a task. And that is what I should’ve realized before.”

Beau processes what she’s been hearing, before finally responding, “Well… isn’t that the point of the Expositors? We get shit done, any way we can.”

Zeenoth nods in agreement. “Perhaps the Soul needs to evolve. Make room for the next generation. And I… I think we need more people like you.” Zeenoth then bows deeply in front of Beau.

“Zeenoth, don’t do that. It’s embarrassing,” Beau mutters. “And I don’t think I deserve _that_ much praise. Just doing my job.”

Dairon places a hand on Beau’s shoulder. “I disagree. And I think Zeenoth raises a fair point. In my honest opinion, with time you’d even make a fine High Curator yourself one day, Beauregard. And maybe that’s what our organization needs: adaptation. But that’s only if society will accept it. If not...we’ll have to be convincing.”

_Holy hell, why is all this praise coming at me all at once? I don’t know how I can handle much more of it._

Beau coughs into her hand. “W-Well, we can talk about the future some other time. As for right now, you said there was ‘something else’ to discuss, Archivist?”

Just as she says that, an unexpected sighting of Clara Lionett passing by, seemingly in a hurry, distracts her from the conversation entirely.

“Wait, why’s my mom running? And why is TJ not with her?”

Zeenoth looks a little sheepish, “May have something to do with a ruckus I overheard in your quarters just a bit ago.” He then mutters, “That was the ‘something else’.”

Dairon gives Zeenoth another trademark glare. “Zeenoth… I thought you knew better than to bury leads like that.”

Beau is left blinking rapidly, and as she processes this… “Oh, no.” And then she’s off running, leaving her senior monks in the dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was quite cathartic to write as well.
> 
> Also, Thoreau is totally gonna get his library card revoked. Serves you right, you bastard.


	14. All Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else should I be? All apologies/What else could I say? Everyone is gay
> 
> What else could I write? I don't have the right/What else should I be? All apologies
> 
> In the sun, in the sun, I feel as one/In the sun, in the sun/Married, buried
> 
> I wish I was like you, easily amused/Find my nest to salt, everything's my fault
> 
> I'll take all the blame, aqua seafoam shame/Sunburn, freezer burn, choking on the ashes of her enemy
> 
> All in all is all we are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TJ becomes an art project, shopping trips aplenty, workouts turning into getting worked up... and Beau confides in someone about a long-kept secret, all apologies in her heart.
> 
> NOTE: I posted a previous version of this chapter, but due to helpful feedback, I changed the ending a bit. Thanks Clara!

When Beau comes back to her quarters, she finds her friends… very quiet. But not the good kind of quiet. It’s the kind of quiet that usually follows when they fucked up real bad. As a matter of that, they are all sitting down, not joking back and forth like they often do, not even speaking. Even Jester’s usual cheerfulness is unnaturally absent.

She has a feeling this is the calm _after_ the storm.

“What have you guys been up to?”

She looks at them, one by one, but she is met with complete silence on their part. She turns to her mother for answers, “Wha--” and then she sees TJ, “What the hell?!”

Her brother gives her a big smile and laughs, but she is not laughing at all, neither is Clara. She is sitting and TJ is on her lap. “I left them alone for just a few minutes to go to the bathroom, I passed by you right after that, and when I came back, TJ looked like… _this_.”

The boy has his face covered in green paint. Or is it makeup? Beau can’t tell, but he seems to enjoy it a lot. Even his hair is dyed in a similar manner to a certain half-orc in the room.

“Eldrit’ bla’t!”

Sure enough, TJ starts imitating Fjord’s unusual “battle cry”, if you can call it that. Beau immediately turns to the half-orc, “ _Did you do that?!_ ”

“No, I swear! I only served as inspiration.”

“What does that even mean?! I guess he didn’t do it to himself, so who did this?”

Beau hears a squeak from the bed, turning to see a very pensive Jester holding her symbol tight in her palm. “Well, technically… He asked us to do it, so isn’t he a bit responsible too?”

“Jester. He is _three_.”

Fjord clears his throat and comes to the rescue, “He _did_ ask. He said he wanted to be like, and I quote, ‘green man in cake, pew pew’.”

Jester nods, “So I offered to do it, and I used my disguise kit. Only... it didn’t go very well…”

Veth, sitting next to Jester, points at the skittish red weasel hiding in Jester’s hood. “TJ wanted to play with Sprinkle while Jester was putting the makeup on, but… it ended poorly.”

Jester nods again, “You know how Sprinkle is.”

“He bit me all over the hands and arms when I gave him a bath,” Yasha corroborates.

“So I was doing TJ’s makeup and he bit my ear.”

“And he basically lost his shit,” Fjord adds.

“Which is why I didn’t do a really good job.”

“No, you didn’t,” Veth says with a nod. “It looks like your failed attempt on Yasha when we were on the snake-people island with Avantika. She looked nothing like a snake and TJ looks nothing like Fjord. Only common characteristic is the color.”

“I can’t nail it every time, you guys!”

**_THUD!_ **

The room immediately goes silent once more upon Beau’s boot stomping the ground once. She then sighs, heavily. “So you’re basically telling me that within just a handful of minutes, my three-year old brother convinced you to put makeup on him, you tried to give him Fjord’s skin when what he wanted was clearly to shoot blasts from his hands, and you failed because Sprinkle snapped and made a mess?”

“This also happened,” Caduceus says while pointing at the floor smudged with makeup. And the sight of it makes Beau finally snap.

**_“What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! I’m having my hands full as is with the fucking Heartsbane!”_ **

They all look genuinely embarrassed and immediately intimidated, Jester more than the others. “We’re really sorry, Beau! We just thought it would be cute on TJ, and he was really excited about it. Sorry it ended so poorly.”

Clara looks upset and a bit sorry, “I probably shouldn’t have let them unattended. I’m sorry, baby girl.”

Beau pinches the basis of her nose, throwing her hands into the air, “It’s alright, Mom. You’re not responsible.” She looks at her friends. “I just wish _you all_ didn’t make it even more difficult than it already is for me. I know I demand a lot from you lately, but I need your support a little longer, at least until this damn curse is broken for good. And I just got reinstated, so it would be great if you didn’t get me expelled right away.”

They share embarrassed looks and nod in approval.

Yasha stands up, “We’re really sorry, Beau. We know you’re under a lot of pressure. You know how we are… We let our enthusiasm get the best of us. Sorry about that.”

Fjord tries to ease the tension, “You know what? We still have time before lunch, so go city touring and shopping with your mother and brother. They couldn’t bring a lot with them when they left Kamordah, I’m sure they’d be happy to get new clothes and a few stuff. In the meantime, we will take care of the mess we made.”

Jester nods vigorously, “A few mending spells and your quarters will look good as new.”

Caleb stands up and steps toward Beau, “Take time with your family. We will clean everything and I can put up the tower here if you’re okay with that?”

Beau stares at him with a suspicious look. “You are all way too calm, I don’t like it.”

Beau stares at Yasha with that sharp gaze that just screams, “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

Yasha blinks, “Wha-What do you mean?”

“You have your liar face on, Yash. And I can see some of your hair has been burned.”

The aasimar clears her throat and awkwardly puts her hair in her back so that the damaged tips are no longer visible, even if her girlfriend has already noticed.

Beau takes a look around and tries to spot anything out of place. The curtains are in a different arrangement and she can see tears at the bottom. Either Frumpkin had something to do with that, or Sprinkle _really_ lost his shit. Or something else entirely. You never know how crazy things can get with the Nein. She also notices the carpet at the foot of her bed is misplaced. No doubt they put something under the bed. Apart from that, nothing else, at least not that she can see with a quick glance.

That is, until she hears the sound of a vase shattering. A vase that Beau specifically had bought to put flowers in for Yasha. She focuses back on Caleb with venom dripping from her next words, "Clean this mess... or I will officially revoke library privileges for all of you."

Caleb’s eyes go wide and he feverishly nods, “No problem. As Jester said, your quarters will be brand new when you’re back.” He turns to the rest of the group. “Right, guys? Right?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer and immediately gets to work with a frenzy they have seen him in only when he has just made a big discovery in a book or learned a new spell. “Come on, guys, help me.”

Fjord complains, “This is not fair! I didn’t blow up any--”

Beau glares at her captain, silencing his complaints.

**_“Now.”_ **

Caleb briskly turns to him, “Just help me!” He's visibly freaking out. They all get a little scared. Caleb raising his voice is so unusual, they’re convinced to give him a hand. Veth is about to protest, but a glare from Clara convinces her to just clean the mess she was part of.

Beau was upset at first, but the vision of her friends executing Caleb’s orders to the letter and being more efficient than she's ever seen them be is quite entertaining.

_Feels a little shitty, but damn it feels good to throw my weight around once in a while. Don’t fuck with a monk on a mission. A mission to mingle with my mom and bro._

She shakes her head a little, “Try not to do any more damage while cleaning, please.”

“We will be extra careful, promise,” Jester hums.

Beau sighs, “Sure, Jessie. Let’s go, TJ. We’re going to clean you up a bit and then we’ll go shopping.”

After completely cleaning her brother’s skin, yet unable to do anything about the hair dye for now, the three Lionetts head out to the markets. And sure enough, when they arrive back a couple of hours later, the tower is up like Caleb said it would be. Beau helps her mother carry the many bags they’ve brought back with them, and TJ has his own tiny bag to carry as well. Once everything is in the guest room, Beau takes her leave to go relax in her own room before lunch.

She is almost to her door when Fjord’s flings open, “Hey, Beau!”

She raises her eyebrows, surprised by his excessive and unjustified joy, “Hey.”

“Sorry again about the mess we made. But as you probably noticed, everything is back as it should be.”

“As it should have always been,” Beau corrects him, her tongue sharp as ever. Gods, does it feel good for her to have her voice back.

He smiles through his embarrassment. “Yeah, right... Mind joining me for our workout routine?”

She stares at him, a bit unsettled, “Well, it’s almost lunch time.”

“True. But you were so eager to leave this morning that we skipped our usual training.”

Beau stares Fjord down, sizing him up. “You’re not complaining about days off usually.”

“Okay, okay!” he says in resignation, “I’d like to see the Archive’s training pits.”

“You want a tour, basically?”

“Yeah, that’d be wonderful!”

Beau stares at him and crosses her arms, “Do I look like Dagen to you?”

Fjord recoils a bit from the unexpected look of disapproval from Beau. “No?”

“Then why the hell would I be your guide and give you a tour? If we’re going, we’re training.”

“But… that’s what I asked!”

"Then you tried to escape it. So get ready and meet me in five minutes in the entrance hall.” Beau enters her room and closes the door behind her, leaving Fjord gaping and confused.

* * *

Beau and Fjord are in the middle of their workout, her sash acting like a bandana to keep her hair and sweat out of her eyes, when Yasha shows up in the training pit. The half-orc extends his arms and stops the series of pushups he was doing. "Hey, Yasha! Joining us?"

Beau holds her plank position with just one arm and gently hits Fjord on the back of the head with her free hand, "Don't stop."

He resumes and Yasha grins. The fact that Beau is still as invested in her role as a personal coach as she was months ago at the very beginning is really endearing.

"Sorry guys, but I've been past bodyweight training for a long time." She looks at Beau. “Jester told me you came here, so I thought I would take the occasion to workout too, if it’s okay. Can I use the weights?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Yasha thanks her with a smile and a nod, and goes straight to the weights to prepare the equipment. Fjord looks at her between each pushup. "Maybe I could join you sometimes."

Yasha scoffs, "I'd be curious to hear what Veth has to say about it."

Beau hits Fjord again. "Stop speaking. And Yasha, please stop distracting him."

The barbarian grins but doesn't answer. She puts the last weight on the bar and secures it. She lays down on the bench and starts a series.

Beau tries to focus, but she can't help glancing over at her girl. The way her biceps flex with each thrust is hypnotic. She would be lying if she said she doesn't like watching her training.

She hears a low chuckle and looks at Fjord. "Who's distracted now, first mate?"

"Shut up."

They go through the remaining of their session, but Beau has a hard time staying focused. Once Yasha is done with her bench exercises, she does sit ups with a light weight. Beau can tell she is staring at her at all times. Every time she brings the weight up, the monk sees her from the corner of her eye, looking right at her. This is very pleasant, but quite nerve-wracking as well. Luckily, she must do a good job at hiding the effect it has on her. Or maybe Fjord just doesn't want to risk another blow at the back of the head.

Once they are done, they wipe the sweat from their face and take big sips from their waterskins. Even after a few minutes, Fjord is still panting a bit, "Damn, you killed me today!"

"Mmh."

She is very obviously checking Yasha out from a distance as she is squatting, but Fjord doesn't seem to notice. It's crazy how oblivious he is sometimes.

"Stretching, or do you want to meditate first?"

"Yeah," Beau realizes her answer is not appropriate and shakes her head, "What?"

Fjord raises his eyebrows. He looks at Beau and Yasha -- who suddenly seems to no longer be interested in staring at her girlfriend now that he is able to notice -- back and forth, and finally comes to the realization of what has been occurring right under his nose. "Oookay."

"What?"

“You were alone with her like, what? Two hours ago? Maybe three?”

“And?”

He throws a look at Yasha and speaks under his breath, “Didn’t you have enough?”

Beau looks at him in confusion. She is speechless for a moment, but then her indignation is very audible, “Do you think we are _constantly_ fucking, or what? _I was with my mom and TJ the whole fucking morning!_ ”

Fjord backpedals so hard, he might as well be rolling down a hill. “Gods! I’m sorry! I-I was trying to say it as a compliment.”

“How is that supposed to be a compliment?” She rolls her eyes, “I mean, to me it is, but… Seriously dude, you’re always so strange when it comes to sex.”

Fjord doesn’t argue. His blushing cheeks stand as a confession. He clears his throat, “So… um… You weren’t thinking about… you know.”

“Of course I was.”

Fjord is even more confused now.

Beau sighs, “You’re so fucking strange, man. We need to have a real talk about this.”

“No, please, no!” He looks panicked.

“But…” Beau is at a loss for words. “Why did you even bring it up if you’re so uncomfortable speaking about it?”

“I didn’t!’ He tries to modulate his voice, but Yasha glances at them. They are on the other side of the training pit and he hopes she is just curious and can’t actually hear what they are saying. “You were the one checking Yasha out.”

“Shush, you idiot!” And she smacks him in the shoulder this time.

“Hey! It’s okay, you guys are dating already.”

“Even so!” Beau is freaking out a bit. “I don’t want Yasha to think I’m a creep or something!”

“Haven’t you noticed she is watching at all times?”

“And?!”

“You’re the one acting strange now, your reasoning makes no sense.”

Yasha throws them a strange look. She doesn’t seem to hear what they’re saying, but she sure is intrigued by their behavior. Fjord smiles at her innocently and playfully smacks Beau without looking, like she did to him. But…

“Ow! That fucking hurt, you know!”

He quickly realizes his hand met her face instead of her shoulder, which he was aiming for. He swiftly looks at her to check in on her, and sees she is holding her nose. She takes her hands off of her face and they both open wide eyes when they see blood in her palms.

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, Beau!”

“I think you almost broke my nose, man.” As soon as she speaks, blood starts pouring down her face. “What’s wrong with you?!”

“I’m sorry! You hit me first!”

“I didn’t break your fucking nose!” As she shouts, more blood pours down. “Ha, fuck!”

“It’s not broken… is it?”

“I don’t know,” she grunts as Fjord hands her a towel. She wipes the blood from her face and... her torso. Somehow, trails and droplets made their way down her neck and on her upper chest. “Man, you weren’t joking.”

Fjord then uses Lay on Hands to fix Beau’s nose. “Are you okay? Does it still hurt?”

She rubs her nose a bit: no more pain and the blood stopped dripping. “I’m fine.”

Fjord sighs in relief, “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry, it’s okay. I guess I had it coming, hitting you like I did. But don’t think you won’t get extra sets of pullups as a ‘reward’,” Beau warns him.

Fjord goes into a cold sweat. He knows very well how strict Beau can be. “Anyway. I’m gonna go, because this whole situation is… Anyway. Should I wait for you to stretch?”

Once again, Beau tries to speak, but he is rambling at this point. That, and she’s too preoccupied with the lingering pain in her nose. “You know what, don’t answer that. I’m gonna just… I… See you later.”

With that, he grabs his towel and waterskin, and he hurries out of the room. Beauregard looks at him as he is leaving and shakes her head. She whispers under her breath, “So fucking strange.”

Beau turns around. Yasha is somehow… spacing out yet she is still deadlifting. She isn’t going to lie, it’s quite an impressive sight. Still, Beau should tell her she is not supposed to work on her upper and lower body during the same session. Her training must be effective, her muscles are enough of an evidence, but her body probably doesn’t appreciate the excessive solicitation. Or maybe it does? In fact, Beau has no idea how barbarians operate. She shrugs her questions away and walks over.

Yasha finishes her set of repetitions and puts the weights down. By the time Beau approaches, she seems lucid again as she offers an innocent smile, “Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me.”

Beau doesn’t look upset, and her tone is quite playful, but Yasha is taken aback. “What?”

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

The monk grins and comes closer, “Are you playing dumb with me?”

“Beau, I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Her grin suddenly drops and she stares at Yasha with a bit of suspicion, “You don’t?”

“No, I really don’t.”

Beau feels embarrassed now. “Okay. I must have imagined it then.” She is genuinely wondering if this was all in her head.

“Imagined what?” Yasha starts losing patience.

“Weren’t you staring at me earlier?”

Yasha looks confused, “Am I not always?”

Beau grins, “That’s creepy.” She's back to her past playfulness and it lightens the mood a bit.

“Sorry, it wasn’t supposed to sound like this. You know what I mean. I’m watching you most of the time, I’ve never hidden this.”

Beau scoffs, “Yash, you weren’t just _watching_ me. You were _eye-fucking_ me at this point.”

“Oh,” Yasha looks genuinely unsettled.

The conversation Beau just had with Fjord didn’t make sense, but this one is utterly ridiculous. Was Yasha actually staring at her without realizing the _way_ she was watching?

Suddenly, Beau thinks back about something she read a long time ago and she has reread almost every day since then. The words leave her mouth in an inaudible whisper, “ **I’ve watched you**.” Fuck, she didn’t realize how literal that was. Yasha frowns and eyes her suspiciously as she grins and shakes her head at her own absent-mindedness.

“Beau, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

She really is. She feels invigorated by the realization that just hit her. Maybe that’s her ego speaking, but it is freaking flattering -- and quite exciting too -- to know Yasha is actually watching her. She can feel a sudden boost of self-confidence.

“Alright, I’m not bothering you any longer. I’m done, but you still have sets left to do.” She gets on her tiptoes and kisses Yasha on the cheek. “I’m gonna take a shower and then relax in my room. If you want to join, you’re welcome to.”

“O-Okay.” Yasha is completely lost, but right before Beau leaves, she stops her, “Wait.” She cups her face and casts Healing Hands.

“This is not a competition,” Beau says with a grin, in a vague imitation of Fjord’s voice.

“It’s a competition,” Yasha replies with the same grin.

“Thanks, Yash.”

Beau walks out of the room with more confidence and swagger than usual.

* * *

Later that day, during lunch, Beauregard is absolutely certain Yasha is looking at her more than she used to. She might have lacked perceptiveness before -- which is ironic for her -- but she _knows_ there has been a shift since their conversation at the training pit. The heavy gazes her girlfriend places on her from time to time are once again nerve-wracking. She tries hard to focus on what Jester is saying, but with Yasha right in front of her, this is quite difficult.

“If you were wondering: _now_ , it’s intentional,” Yasha mouths the words, knowing full well Beau can read lips.

Beau’s hair stands on the back of her neck and she feels pure adrenaline rush through her whole body like electricity. One of these days, she will lose her mind for good because of how easy it is for Yasha to turn her on. But before she can think of something to say or do, Jester speaks up again.

“Oh! Guys! We should go shopping this afternoon! Who wants to come?”

Beau raises her hand almost immediately. “I’m up for round two. Mom, TJ, wanna come with?”

“We went just this morning. We’ll stay here and draw. Right, TJ?”

“Drawing! Jessie studio.”

Beau turns to Jester, “Is it okay?”

“Yeah, totally! He asked me earlier and I said yes.”

“Painting!” TJ shouts in enthusiasm.

“But you have to promise to take a nap before,” Clara says.

“And not to paint your face like this morning,” Beau adds.

TJ crosses his arms and pouts, but doesn’t protest.

“Who else?” Jester asks. “Veth?”

“I’m going to work with Caleb and Essek.”

“Fjord? Caduceus?”

“I’m gonna stay here with Clara and TJ; someone needs to help him create his masterpiece,” Fjord offers. Beau wonders if this is his way of earning brownie points with her.

Caduceus just smiles. “I’m fine right here, thanks.”

Beau turns to the only one remaining silent, “Yash?”

“I think I’ll follow Caduceus’ lead and stay here.”

“So…” Veth starts, eyeing Beau with insistence, “Just the two of you, huh?”

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come, Veth?” Jester asks with a pout very similar to TJ’s. “It’s been so long since the last time the Chaos Crew was reunited.”

“No, no, no. I said I would help Caleb and Essek research this strange entity, or whatever it is, and I will. I’m sure Beauregard will be _very_ happy to be alone with you.”

Beau quickly checks in on Yasha. She is watching the conversation happen, but she doesn’t seem upset or hurt. Beau told her about her crush, so she probably understands what Veth is doing, but she also made it very clear it was in the past and apparently, Yasha believed her. Beau faces the other way, where Jester is sitting. She is arguing with Veth and trying to convince her to come.

_She actually doesn’t realize what is going on. Gods, she is so oblivious. Fjord and she are definitely made for each other._

“Let it go, Jessie. She doesn’t know all the fun she’s missing.”

“Oh but I’m sure it will be very fun, indeed,” Veth says with a mischievous expression.

Beau answers with the same grin as the halfling, “I have a lot of things to tell Jessie, and you’ll know nothing about it. Too bad for you. But thanks for helping with the research, it means a lot.”

This time, Veth is left speechless. She seems a bit puzzled, not sure if she understood what Beau was implying. She stares at her and Beau only smiles in place of an answer.

“You’re right, Beau! It’s gonna be great!” and with that, Jester wraps her arms around Beau’s neck and hugs her briefly before letting her go.

She claps her hands excitedly, “I hope I’ll find a new dress! Or maybe I can order one!”

They all smile in amusement and the lunch comes to an end as everyone vacates to their respective destinations. Jester and Beau leave the tower and the Archive in the early afternoon.

As soon as they are out on the streets, Beau turns to her friend, “So… I was thinking about, maybe… offering something to Yasha.”

“Oh, that’s great! She will be so happy!”

“You think?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t she?”

Beau suddenly feels nervous. “You don’t believe she’ll be overwhelmed and think it’s… too much? I mean, we haven’t been together for _that_ long.”

“But you have been dancing around each other for quite some time. By the way… It was about time! What took you so long?”

“I said it before, but she’s the one with the dead wife,” Beau reminds her. “Also… I had to think about things, same as her, you know?”

“Yeah, I know, but didn’t she give you… something?”

Beau tilts her head, curious. “You might wanna be a little more specific.”

“After the burlesque show night.”

“I don’t--” Beau abruptly stops and her eyes widen a bit. “I knew it! I knew you had something to do with that poem!”

“I hardly helped, just gave her the confidence she was lacking.”

“The abs… was that your idea? And the wings? And the ‘Beau Beau Beau’ bit?”

Jester remains silent for a few seconds before answering, “Maybe?”

Beau sighs. She suddenly looks sad, if not disappointed.

“Beau, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

Jester frowns. Beau hates it when she frowns. “No, I can see something’s wrong.”

“I just… It hurts a bit to know that that letter wasn’t really Yasha, you know.”

Now it’s Jester’s turn to be curious. “Letter? What are you talking about, Beau? We wrote a poem, not a letter.”

“No, it was a letter. I mean, Yasha said it was a poem when she gave it to me, but it was definitely a letter.”

"Huh. Can I see it?"

“Um…” Beau starts feeling very uncomfortable very quickly. “I’d rather not.”

“Why not?” Jester is innocent at first, but then her expression turns into something else. “Did Yasha write dirty things?” she says, sulking and mock-pouting in a very Jester-like manner. "I wanna see it! Beau!"

Where Beau would usually be amused or roll her eyes at Jester’s childish attitude, she just seems ill-at-ease. “She just wrote things that moved me and… I-I want to keep them to myself, you know.”

"Aw, that's not fair!"

"About as fair as you waiting until recently to tell me about the time Fjord kissed you?"

Jester's rambling suddenly grinds to a halt. "... Okay, you got me there." She huffs a bit and crosses her arms, but her deep blushing betrays the act she's pulling. "I-I could care less about some love letter from your girlfriend anyway!"

Beau's expression lightens. _Phew, crisis averted._

Jester shyly looks at her, “Can you just tell me what you thought about the poem?”

“I…” _I can’t tell her Yasha crossed it out._ “Great. It was great. You two should write poetry and publish a book.”

“I know, right? That’s what we said! And Yasha added to it? I swear I’m not asking to see it!”

Beau relaxes a bit and smiles. “She did. And I should probably thank you, because the poem was your idea apparently, and I think you helped her build the courage to write something, so… Thanks, Jess.”

“You’re welcome!” And just like that, she jumps to another subject like she often does. “So, a present for Yasha. What do you have in mind?”

“She hasn’t had a change of outfit in some time. I mean, not that I don’t like her current clothing.” Her gaze drifts away a bit and a dreamy expression forms on her face, before she shakes her head. “But apart from the clothes she got when we left for Eiselcross and she’s no longer wearing, she still has these… weird-ass pants and strap things, which, again, I like but… I don’t know.”

“Beau? Are you okay? You’re really strange today.”

She sighs deeply, “The thing is, I never found a good opportunity to ask her, but… I think Obann might have put her in that outfit, just like he gave her the breastplate, and I don’t know… I feel weird about it. And I wonder if she does too.”

Jester’s face turns a little dour at the thought. “It’s true she didn’t have these clothes when we lost her, so maybe Obann did have something to do with it. But don’t you think she would have changed it by now if it made her uncomfortable?”

“Have you seen how long it took her to take the breastplate off? I know the need for protection during battle probably played its part, but still. And when she did, she didn’t say anything about it, just did it without telling anyone.”

“That’s what Yasha does. I don’t think she likes to be the center of attention.”

Beau shakes her head. “She sure doesn’t. But she’s been acting weird lately. I think it’s a bit hard for her to have to deal with what happened at the cathedral in a more… direct way, now that our relationship has changed.”

Jester’s eyes dim a bit. Beau can tell that she also recalls all too well the sight of Yasha cleaving Beau almost in two with the Skingorger… and stabbing downward right after. It’s a sight she never wants to see again.

“You think a change of outfit would help her move forward?”

“I do, but I don’t want to overstep. I don’t want her to think I’m pushing it on her.”

“Then, maybe you can buy something for her, something you think she might like, and just tell her she doesn’t have to wear it if she doesn’t want to. People are not forced to accept gifts, you know.”

Beau still has a doubtful look on her face. “Wouldn’t it be awkward if she refused it?”

“Probably. But you can’t know if she will accept or refuse it if you don’t try. Besides, she never treats herself, you know, so you might as well do it for her. And I think it would make her very happy if you showed you think about her and want to help her move forward.”

Beau doesn’t say anything. Jester presses just a little harder, “I mean, Yasha does that a lot, you know? Even at her quietest, she always thought of you. It must’ve been agonizing for her before she was brave enough to tell you.”

“Yeah. I got that vibe from her… Hurts when you can’t be honest with others, or even yourself, because you’re afraid.”

Jester nods quietly. “Yeah. I get that. Still, it doesn’t hurt to try.”

“Well...” Beau thinks quickly, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing it while standing here.”

Jester has a puzzled look on her face before realizing that they’re still standing outside the Archive, and already she sees some folks giving them strange looks. “Oh. Should we get going?”

Beau looks around herself and she can just make out a few younger monks and archivists passing by like “Oh look, it’s Expositor Beauregard and… she is discussing her love life. Let’s stop and listen for a while.” They seem so sure they’re not being heard… but their lips betray them. A blessing and curse, being hyper-observant.

“Yeah… How about we talk about it… maybe over dinner?” _Smooth, Beau. Real smooth._

Surprisingly, Jester’s already beaming at the idea. “Okay! It’s been a while since it's just us!”

“Shopping first, though!” Beau points out. “Something for Yasha’s gift,” she smirks toward Jester, “and your dress.”

It takes a moment for Jester to process what she just heard, but by the time she goes “Hey!", the monk is already dashing through the streets, the sapphire trailing behind.

* * *

After some time, Jester manages to catch up with Beau and the shopping commences. They go from shop to shop, looking for clothes that could suit Yasha. No colors, Beau knows it very well. She also needs something practical, but she probably wouldn’t mind a few ornaments. The clothes she was wearing when they met her were subtly decorated, after all. They keep their eyes open as well for any pretty dress, and Jester tries on a lot.

By the end of the day, they have an outfit for Yasha and not one, but two dresses for Jester, and the tiefling managed to pull a few pranks without getting caught. All in all, a rousing success. When they’re done with their shopping, they look for a place to have dinner and quickly find a lovely cafe. They order and soon, food and drinks are served at the table.

Beau takes a big swip of her ale while Jester sips her milk and then hums, “Today was nice, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. If we exclude the part where you could most definitely have destroyed my quarters if my mother hadn’t come back in time.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

Beau grins and takes a bite of her meal. “Speaking of moms… you gonna talk to Marion at some point? Not just about… you know...” Beau gestures to Jester’s longer horns and more pronounced cheekbones. “You visibly aged five years in front of us, Jessie. I know that in the long run it helped us, but… how does that not bother you? For all I know, you’re definitely now older than _me_.”

“Honestly...” Jester replies, and Beau still can’t get used to how slightly deeper her friend’s voice has become, “I’m a little worried. That’s, like, a few less years that we’ll have together. But you’re right, in the long run it did help. And besides… don’t I look just… divine?”

Jester herself exaggerates as she puts on a front of being, well, like her mother.

“Not gonna lie, Jester, you do look a little more like your mother now. So you got that going for you. No way Fjord can keep his eyes off you.”

And just like that, the illusion breaks as Jester is left blushing. “W-Well… yeah, okay. Maybe Mama won’t mind it _that_ much. Maybe.”

Silence falls around and for a while they just eat and make fun of folks passing by since their table is on the street. Beau gets to the bottom of her pint pretty quickly and orders a second.

“Are you sure you want to drink that much, Beau?”

“Yeah, it’s been a while since I had a night out, you know. I won’t even get a hangover tomorrow. I just feel a buzz.”

“You miss being drunk so much you black out, don’t you?” Jester says with that ever-present teasing inflection. _Good to know she’s still the same old Jessie._

“Kinda? But it also means I can drink and eat whatever I like and won’t get sick. You know, like...” Beau suddenly spots a random bug on the table, snatches it and bites down into it.

“Ew,” comes the appropriate response from Jester.

“Not fondly remembering that spider meat, huh?” Beau teases back.

“Not really. I dunno how Yasha’s been able to live this long with her… unique palate. It’s…”

“So like her. She’s a survivor. She had to eat like that,” Beau says, and without hesitation. “Honestly, I’m kinda glad it’s rubbed off on me.”

“You truly are made for each other.”

“I guess we are.” A dreamy smile forms on her face. It remains when she looks Jester in the eye. “There was a time where I was dreaming about it, you know?”

“Dreaming about what?”

“Having that. With you.” She laughs at herself. “It was stupid.” She suddenly realizes what she just revealed, or how she did it, as she was indeed planning on talking about it. Maybe she is a bit tipsy, after all.

Jester’s reaction, however, is not one she expected. “Oh.”

Beau sits a bit more straight. “Look, I don’t want to make it weird. I’m not expecting anything from you. Never have, never will. Not anything romantic, at least. I… Fuck.” She rubs her forehead. “I’m sorry I said it like that, now it’s really weird.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“I just wanted to tell you, because it felt strange keeping it to myself. Also because I didn’t want Veth to tell you and make a mess, but I guess I’m the one making it awkward now.”

“Beauregard.” Beau freezes and looks at Jester, and sees her clasping her hand over her own shaking one. “It’s **fine**. Relax.”

“R-Really? You’re not, like, weirded out or...”

Jester squeezes her hand again. “No. I’m flattered that you saw me this way at some point, Beau. I mean… it’s not just anyone that gets your attention.”

“It was just a crush. Something temporary. I even had to convince Veth to not spill it because she totally was and still might, and we know she loves to torment me in front of, you know, **everyone**. She’s that good at pushing me...”

Jester giggles, “How did she end up knowing?” But Beau doesn’t giggle back, and Jester’s own subsides. “Beau?”

Beau sighs. “You really wanna know? Ask her, it’s out in the open now. It was a trade, a secret for a secret. It was so dumb.”

Her shaking is getting more pronounced. _I just wanna die right now._

“And just to add insult to injury, it was literally the night before we got Yasha back. Perfect fucking timing, you know? Absolutely perfect.”

Jester looks pained for her at this point. “Beau… Why are you beating yourself up like that?”

“Because I wasn’t even sure we were getting her back by that point! I was… I was at my wit’s end. Obann kept winning, we kept losing. Sure, we killed the permaheart… but we still didn’t get her back then. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hope...”

Jester nods. “Feelings are confusing sometimes. Do you… feel like you betrayed her?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. My feelings had been all over the place for some time, you know. First you telling me you loved me when we were still at sea and my stupid brain wondering what it meant, then Yasha telling me she had ‘seen me’ just a few days before we lost her. It was strange after that. You were there, she wasn’t, we didn’t know if we would ever get her back, and I knew Fjord liked you. Yeah… That was fucking strange.”

“Do you regret having those feelings for me?”

Beau shakes her head.

“No, but it still feels strange. I haven’t figured out everything about it yet. Sorry… I didn’t think this conversation would become so heavy so quickly.”

Jester nods her head, as if she already knows exactly what to say. “You’re lonely. You just wanted someone to be there for you.”

“Yeah. At least I’m not as lonely _now_. I have the Nein, and Yasha, and even Mom and TJ.”

Jester's smiling, but it's still a sad smile. “I don’t think you should torture yourself over this, Beau. You said it yourself, it was only temporary. Some feelings come and go, others stay. It’s alright. As for loneliness, it’s in the past now, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I know. But… you’re lucky. You have the Tr- Artagan. You have Marion. And at times, you have your dad.”

Her face twists with a bit of apathy.

“I had no one. Even the people whom I thought were my friends growing up, they weren’t, really. Just… business partners that left once the job was done.”

“You’re right, I’m lucky," Jester agrees. "But there were times where I felt very lonely, you know, even with Artie and Mama in my life, and there are still times where I feel like… no one really understands.”

“I feel you. No one wanted me, even if it was just a front I put up, it was better than risking getting taken advantage of. If I’m going to be seen as an asshole, may as well play the part. Can’t get hurt that way… yet I still was but couldn’t let anyone know.”

Beau looks up again and stares into Jester’s eyes. “But… when I met you guys, it didn’t hurt as much. Because you still accepted me, even when I tried to push you all into disliking me. That, and deep down I hated being lonely and couldn't help myself. And when Molly died, it opened my eyes, made me realize how much I took for granted… and I never want to feel that way again. And I know you don’t either.”

Beau turns her palm up to hold Jester’s tightly. “So let’s keep being a part of each other’s lives. Friends forever. Promise?”

Jester unclasps her hand to stick out her pinky. “Promise.” Beau does the same and they hook their pinkies together.

“Thank you, Jester. I’m glad we talked. I needed to get that off my chest for a long time.”

Jester nods, but then her face morphs into a look of scrutiny. “You look like there’s still something on your mind.”

Beau gives a reassuring smirk. “I think you do as well, Jester. Should we play boulder, parchment, shears to see who opens up first?”

Jester beams at the idea. “Alright. Best of three?”

“You’re on.”

Boulder vs. parchment. Parchment vs. boulder. Parchment vs. boulder. 2 to 1.

“I win,” Beau says triumphantly. “So cough it up, Lavorre.”

Jester’s shoulders slump. “Okay. Promise that you won’t laugh?”

“Of course.”

Jester’s face goes into a full-on blush, and her eyes dart everywhere except Beau’s eyes. “Would you....” her voice is not very loud already, but it turns into a flustered whisper at the end of the question, “... kiss me? Even if I allowed it?”

Beau can’t help but stare. This moment feels very familiar. In fact, it feels like a lifetime ago, in the Cinderrest Sanctum when she drunkenly kissed Reani and noticed a pensive and flustered Jester watching on as they left for another one of Beau’s attempts at staving off her loneliness.

_Boy, how the tables have turned. But..._

In place of a verbal response, and knowing it won’t end the same way, Beau shakes her head.

Jester nods with a smile. “Then it’s okay, Beau. It always has been.”

* * *

As the evening winds down, the two girls head back to the archive, where the Nein-Sided Tower awaits them in Beau’s quarters. Upon entering the room, as they approach the familiar amber portal, Jester turns around to look at Beau, the remnants of a blush on her cheeks.

“Thanks for indulging me, Beau. And thanks for helping me get something for Fjord. I was honestly unsure what to get. Something else to help him stand out other than the beard… or the tusks.”

Beau doesn’t even take offense to that. Instead, she thinks of how to turn it around the best way she can. “Perhaps you had too much ‘tusk love’ on the brain. Don’t you think… Genevieve?”

Jester blinks a bit... and then it dawns on her. “Oh! _That’s_ why you were laughing that one time!”

“Yup. It’s still ‘Guinevere’, by the way. And you’re still ‘Jester’ to me.” She then gives Jester a big hug. “Love you, Jessie.”

Jester hugs her back and then whispers, “Does Yasha know?”

Beau chuckles, “Yes, she does. When we talked about it, she told me you used to have the same effect on her sometimes.”

Jester grins. “I guess it is as you said: everyone has a crush on me. But hey! I’m sure she’ll love your gift.”

“I suppose,” Beau replies while still holding onto the bag containing something for herself and Yasha. “Well… shall we enter?”

Jester nods excitedly. They enter the portal and over time they float up past the salon and kitchen floors. Beau waves Jester goodbye as she floats up to the sixth where her room, and Fjord and Beau’s, awaits her.

She can’t wait any longer. Beau is so ecstatic that she doesn’t knock before entering Yasha’s room, uncaring if she’s intruding. It’s not as if she hasn’t actually walked in on her in awkward situations since they hooked up, anyway. It was usually the other way around, like with Caleb and her mother walking in.

“Hey, Yash! I’m back! Look what I--”

Whatever else she had to say dies down as she stops and drops the package.

Yasha’s head shoots up and she stares at her with panic-widened eyes, “Beau!” She stutters, “Fuck. I-I didn’t hear you come. Damn these thick walls.”

Beau is horrified. She can hardly process what she is looking at.

And the sight before her eyes… is a sight that is sure to be burned into her soul forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies. All the apologies... for what comes next...


	15. Sick of Losing Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell would I be without you?/Brave face, talk so lightly, hide the truth  
> 'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates/So where do we begin?  
> I can finally see you're as fucked up as me/So how do we win?  
> We will grow old as friends/I've promised that before  
> So what's one more in our grey-haired circle, waiting for the end?  
> Time and hearts will wear us thin  
> So which path will you take, 'cause we both know a break does exactly what it says on the tin  
> I won't take no for an answer (I won't take no for an answer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When even angels need "tough love" to heal, you know it's bad. Still, someone's gotta give it. And Beau has to be that "someone".
> 
> By the way, if you were wondering when that "flashback snippet" I posted from before came from... it's this chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> TW: self-harm.

_ Yasha… what…  _ **_what have you done?!_ **

Yasha is down on her knees. Her wings are out, but they are barely wings anymore. Most of the feathers have been plucked out and are now lying on the ground. What remains of the wings are reminiscent of how they were before: almost skeletal, except still as white as Yasha’s hair. There are long trails of makeup under Yasha’s eyes as well, reminiscent of tears that are no longer visible.

Beau tries to speak her mind, but she can’t. She stumbles forward until she is right in front of Yasha and then she falls down on her knees. She extends her hands, but she stops and eventually retracts them. “Yasha… Wh- Why did you do this?” Her eyes go from one wing to the other.

“It’s okay. It looks worse than it actually is.”

Beau instantly loses her nerve, “What the hell does that even mean?! You fucking feathered your wings!”

“Please, please, don’t scream.” She keeps her voice low and looks behind Beau to make sure no one is coming.

“If I don’t scream now, then when?!”

Yasha stands up and goes to the door. She sticks her head out to check the floor outside, seeing no one around, and then closes it. When she turns around, Beau is standing up. She walks back to her.

“It’s only temporary. The feathers grow back every time I summon the wings.”

“How do you even know that? For how long have you been doing this?”

“Just try to calm down, please.”

"And I thought I was the only one with lots of unhealthy coping mechanisms." Her tone is indeed quieter, sad even, but she is just as agitated. Yasha’s wings start slowly fading away, until they turn into faint radiant energy and then completely disappear.

Beau covers her eyes with her hands. She stays like this for a few seconds and then pushes discarded hair strands out of her face. She keeps her hands on the top of her head and sighs while looking up. “I can try to stay calm, but you gotta tell me what’s going on.” Her arms fall on her sides and she looks back at Yasha. “Is it really your way to cope?”

The aasimar lowers her head, visibly ashamed, and nods in approval.

“What are you trying to cope with? What’s wrong?” She is still in shock after what she witnessed and her voice is slightly trembling.

“I-” she swallows the lump in her throat. “I don’t…” She starts kneading her left palm with her thumb in nervousness.

“Hey, look at me.” Beau’s tone is soft. Yasha does as told and looks up.

Her girlfriend seems much calmer now. She is composed and Yasha can tell she has her undivided attention. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

Beau signs, **I love you. I won’t judge you. What’s wrong?**

Yasha feels her heart warms up. This might seem ridiculous, but Beau’s attempt to make her confession easier instantly makes her fall in love with her a bit more. She takes a deep breath and does her best to strengthen her hands and form clear signs.

**I don’t deserve my wings. I don’t deserve forgiveness.**

**Why do you think that?**

**I’m not a good person.**

Beau gently takes one of her hands and leads her to the bed. They sit down face to face.

**Why?**

**I killed innocent people. I-** Yasha needs a brief pause before going further. **I almost killed  _ you _ .**

**Why didn't you just come talk to me about this? You were being all 'don't feel guilty for your feelings' when I was struggling. Can't I help you with that, too?**

**What difference would have it made? The fact is I plunged my sword in your chest with my own hands.**

She turns her head away, but Beau immediately puts a hand on her leg and the other on her face to force her to look her in the eye. She switches back to verbal communication, “Listen to me very closely.” Her voice is firm, but incredibly soft and full of love. “I told you before and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it, until you actually believe me. It wasn’t you.”

Yasha feels her eyes burning and her vision becomes blurry.

“You were under the influence of Obann, you were not in control of your actions. I know that, I’ve always known, and I have  _ never _ doubted it. Do you hear me? Not once. I saw the tears in your eyes in that moment, before passing out. That was enough for me to know.”

Yasha closes her eyes and one single tear rolls down her cheek. Beau catches it with her thumb. “You were one of his victims, Yasha, not the perpetrator. You need to accept that if you want to keep moving forward.” She tilts her head to the side. “Do you really want them gone? How will you save me when I jump from a seventy foot cliff like an idiot?”

Yasha sniffs and smiles. This is the tiniest smile, but still a smile. She is still unable to speak through her sobs, so she signs, **You didn’t need saving.**

_ You're wrong, Yasha. I do need saving. Every damn day. And I know how I can convince you. I just wish I told you sooner. _

“Fair enough. But, Yasha... How will you envelop me without your beautiful wings?"

Yasha freezes. She stares at Beau with her mouth ajar. “You crossed that part out, but I was still able to read some of it.”

Whether it is from surprise or something else, Yasha’s voice is suddenly back. “You- You read the letter?”

“Of course I did. What did you think I would do with it?”

“I don’t know, but… You never mentioned it.”

Beau cringes a little, feeling ashamed of herself. “Bad timing, I guess. I wanted to talk about it, I really did, but things got out of hand pretty quickly. It was never the right time when we were in Eiselcross, with the others always with us and, you know, Molly and everything.”

“Yeah.”

“A couple weeks after our one-year anniversary as the Mighty Nein, Dairon immediately asked me to investigate the Assembly and you know the rest." Beau's face then grows ever more stern. "After they took my voice, well… Everything was way more complicated.”

Yasha nods in understanding. Beau takes both her hands in hers and gently squeezes them.

“You need to know I loved every part of it. I don’t know if you realized it when you wrote that letter and then gave it to me, but it really meant a lot. I…” She pauses briefly. “I know I will sound like an insecure teenager, but sometimes, it feels good to get validated. Even more by someone you really care about.”

Yasha rubs the back of Beau’s hands, "Every word that I wrote, I meant."

A smile appears on Beau's face, but it's a pained smile. "I didn't doubt it when I read your letter. But when you've been told during your whole childhood that you don't matter, it's kinda hard to get over it. The bit of self-worth I've built, I did after leaving Kamordah. So, you know, it's easy to make me doubt again. Fuck, you don’t know how easy it is with just..." She stops herself from going further.

Yasha frowns, “Again? What do you mean?”

“I-” Beau purses her lips. “Maybe I’ll tell you some other time, but not today. I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”

“As you wish. But I’m here if you need to talk, okay?”

“So am I. So maybe you should stop keeping everything to yourself.”

“If I have to stop doing it, then you have to start recognizing your own worth.”

“Getting there. It takes time. Thoreau will never be part of my life. I don’t care about his opinion anymore.” Her tone’s lighter than it used to be when speaking about him, which Yasha interprets as a good sign. “But I have TJ and Mom now too. I think it’ll help.”

She looks in the distance for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face, and then she suddenly sits straight. “But stop bringing the conversation back to me.”

Yasha grins, “I can’t help it. I think they call it love.”

Beau’s face becomes a bit harsher, “I’m serious, Yasha. This is very cute and sappy, but you’re avoiding the conversation, and you know better than to try to deflect it when I’m around.”

The aasimar’s smile drops. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Wha-” Beau was about to raise her voice, but she stops herself and tries to regulate her emotions. She takes a deep breath and then slowly exhales. “Yasha, you have to talk about it. If you don’t want to talk to me, it’s fine. But you  _ have _ to let it out, even if that’s not what you usually do.”

Yasha remains silent.

“What you  _ would _ do to yourself, what would you call that?”

Yasha breaks free from Beau’s grip and looks away, still not saying anything.

“I think you really need to put words on what’s going on if you want to realize there’s an issue. So if you don’t want to say it yourself, I will do-”

All of a sudden, Yasha loses patience. “Alright, alright! Self-harm! This is self-harm, I know it! Are you happy now?”

“I don’t like doing this any more than you do.”

Yasha rubs her eyes and then her forehead. She keeps her hands on her face as she mumbles, “I know it’s wrong, and I’m trying to stop doing it, I really am, but it’s so hard.”

“Hey, don’t say that. Don’t say it’s wrong.”

Yasha looks Beau right in the eye, “But it is.”

“No, it’s not. Because if what you do is wrong, it means there’s something wrong with you, and it’s absolutely not the case. You’re in pain, which is very different. But you’re not alone. You have people around you, willing to help. You just need to ask.”

“How do I do that? How do I ask for help and then go through explaining that months later, I still feel guilty? I told you I thought every single day about it, and it’s still true to this day. Even at night, I dream about it. I see you. I see your open wound, the blood pouring from it and from your mouth, your unmoving eyes. What do you think these things do to someone?”

Her tone could be bitter, but it’s not. She just sounds infinitely tired and resigned. Beau is speechless, unable to respond to that uninterrupted flow of words.

“I know you told me before that you knew it wasn’t me, and you just did it again, but this is something between me and myself at this point.”

“Yes, you’re right. You’re the only one who can figure it out and finally reconcile with everything that happened. But it doesn’t mean you should do it all by yourself. Isolation is not the solution. Not always. I’ve noticed you do that a lot, but there are other ways. You have a family that you can count on now. You have me.”

“Well… I still don’t understand how I can have all of this. And you… You should hate me.”

Beau sighs. “Give me your hand.”

Yasha remains still.

“Please.”

She begrudgingly accepts.

"Yeah, you ran me through, but..." she holds Yasha's hand and puts it atop her chest, "If my heart's still intact, it means I still love you, no matter what happened."

Yasha grits her teeth. She clenches a tight trembling fist around Beau’s hand and lowers her head, unable to look her in the eyes. “I’m terrified that I might hurt you again.”

Beau hears sobs in her voice and feels her heart sink into her chest. But determination quickly replaces sadness and her features harden. “Okay, stand up.” She breaks free from Yasha’s grip and gets onto her feet.

Yasha stares at her, still sitting on the bed, surprised and confused.

“Come on, stand up.”

She is still a bit hesitant, but she does as told.

“You wanna know what I feel guilty about? The fact that we left you behind. We fled, we abandoned you, we let you get literally caged.”

“You had no other choice.”

“Neither did you when you attacked me.”

Realization seems to abruptly drop on Yasha, and her reaction is immediately visible. Her eyes widen and she falters a bit. Beau notices, but she keeps going. She wants to make sure she communicates her point very clearly.

“We left because Obann would have killed us. You attacked me because Obann was controlling you and made you do it. He forced us all to do things we didn’t want to do. And now, every time I hear thunder, I remember how I spent two months waiting for a storm, hoping for it, but not doing  _ anything _ to get you back. I was wondering every single day if we could have done something to help you when we were in the King’s Cage. I’ve run hundreds...  _ thousands _ of scenarios in my head, to try and figure out what we could have done differently to save you and keep you with us. But I didn’t do anything past that. I imagined, that’s it. I let you down and I can assure you that I still feel guilty to this day.”

Yasha opens her mouth, but no words leave it. She tries to speak, until she gives up and looks down. She doesn’t know what she should say. Is there anything to say?

“I know you’re not used to letting it all out, but I truly think you have to do it. Why not now?”

Yasha looks up and frowns. “What do you mean?”

Beau raises her hands in front of her and puts her guard up. “Come at me.”

“Wait… Are you suggesting we fight?”

“I’m not suggesting, I’m saying we’re doing it. Come on. No holding back.”

Yasha is completely taken by surprise. “What the hell, Beau?”

“You need to see that I’m not fragile.”

“I never thought you were.”

“Really? You talk as if this is how you see me. You say you can hold your own. Well, guess what? Me too. Now don’t get me waiting.”

“Beau, this is ridiculous. How is that supposed to help?”

“You need to actually see that I can take blows and not break in half.”

“I know that.”

“Well. You won’t have a problem giving the hits back, then.”

Yasha is about to protest again, but she doesn’t get the opportunity. Beau charges and goes for a right hook. Yasha smoothly dodges out of the way. She knows Beau made it an easy evasion.

“I won’t fight you.”

“Are you sure?”

Beau strikes again, this time more precisely. Yasha dodges again. The monk hits and the barbarian stops her fist with ease. They stare at each other until Beau breaks free. But as Yasha thinks she is done and will back off, she pivots on her left foot and goes for an upper kick. She is caught off-guard and doesn’t have time to avoid as she gets hit in the shoulder.

She winces, “That was a nasty one.”

Beau takes a step back and adjusts her guard. “I said no holding back.”

“I didn’t think you meant it.”

“Now you know.” The monk charges again and Yasha dodges several blows in a row.

“Beau, stop!”

“I won’t, so you better start fighting back.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

Beau manages to break her guard once more and punches her in the ribs this time. Yasha grunts and bends in two. The pain is irrelevant at this moment, the shock is far stronger. She didn’t think Beau was serious, but apparently she is.

“Yasha. You know me. I can take it.”

She stands up and Beau is facing her with her guard up, ready to continue. She stares at her for a moment. Her cobalt blue eyes are focused, compassionate. Full of resolve. The only emotion she can’t see is anger. Is she actually doing this out of love? It seems absurd, but she must be.

"What will happen if I fall down in battle? Or worse, if I'm possessed?”

She resumes fighting and this time, there is really no holding back. She aims to hit and Yasha knows it, because it's suddenly way more difficult to dodge and counter, and she takes a couple of blows.

Beau keeps fighting as she speaks, "Will you freeze? Will you take the blows without giving them back?"

She finds a flaw in Yasha's guard and aims for it. She gets her right in the solar plexus. The air suddenly leaves Yasha's lungs and she can't breathe for a few seconds.

"Even if you're willing to take it and possibly die rather than fight back, what about the others? Will you stand by, doing nothing, just watching as I attack and kill our friends?"

She takes advantage of Yasha’s vulnerability and grabs her by the back of the neck. She forces her to bend down and she hits her right in the stomach with her knee. Anybody would fall to the ground, but Yasha takes it with just a low groan.

“Last time I froze was when we ambushed Lorenzo. You know what it cost. I watched as shit went down and I couldn’t save Molly.”

She grabs Yasha’s shoulders, but this time, she doesn’t attack. She pushes her back against the wall with a loud thud and holds her there. She lifts her chin to make sure Yasha sees her face.

“This scar is here to remind me every day that I wasn’t prepared, but also that I’ve learned from that mistake. I couldn’t save him, but I am  _ not _ going to let that happen again. For either of us.”

She puts her hands on each side of Yasha’s face, still partially clawing the back of her neck. She looks her right in the eye.

“Whenever I fell, more often than not you were there to help me up. How can you protect our family, or me,  _ if you're too afraid to even scratch me? _ ”

The barbarian clenches her jaw. A sparkle suddenly lights up in her eyes.

“Now, tell me. What if I ended up controlled and attacked you mercilessly? Would you just take it even if it means you'd die? Or would you retaliate in the hopes of getting me back, like I did for you before?"

Yasha’s gaze is getting more determined with each passing second. She heavily exhales through her nostrils. The image of the gorgon they fought when they found Caduceus’ family comes to Beau’s mind. She knows Yasha is finally about to let it all out. She leans forward and whispers, “Come on. You’re so close.  **Do it** .”

Something flips in Yasha’s eyes and Beau instantly recognizes the feral emotion on her face. This is it. She knew what she would get if she managed to push Yasha to her limit, but she wasn’t quite ready for the extent of her reaction. The barbarian grabs both of her hands and knocks them away, and then she immediately goes for her legs. She catches them and sweeps Beau off of her feet to tackle her down.

The impact is brutal when they both hit the ground. Beau falls flat on her back and she feels the air leave her lungs and the pain radiate through her whole body. Yasha is weighing down on her and she can’t move, so she grapples her neck with her legs.

She is just getting her breath back and she can hardly speak,  **_“Finally.”_ **

Yasha quickly manages to break free from Beau’s grapple. The monk sees she is about to grab her wrists to ground her, but she is faster. She brings her own legs to her chest, puts her feet against Yasha’s torso and pushes her away. With one fluid movement, she rolls backward and gets back on her feet.

She puts her guard up. Her expression is stern, focused. Yasha stands up and stares at her. Her jaw is clenched, her fists are tight. She is deep into her rage. She takes a deep breath and exhales through her gritted teeth before charging forward. Beau easily dodges, but once Yasha is behind her, she wraps her two arms around her shoulders and crosses her hands at the back of her neck to immobilize her.

“Come on, Yasha!” Beau can tell she is still holding back a bit. She is trying to subdue her, but not actually fighting. “Show me what you can truly do.”

She grabs Yasha’s arms, slightly leans backward to get some momentum, and then brusquely bends forward, using Yasha’s strength against her. They roll to the ground and Yasha releases her. Beau catches herself in a three-point landing with ease. Yasha’s fall is not as graceful, but it just demonstrates her sheer strength when she nonchalantly stops herself from hitting the wall with just one hand.

Beau slowly stands up, her arms on her sides, and stares at Yasha. "You're a fighter. A survivor. And the love of my life.  _ Now fucking prove it! _ "

Yasha lays on the wall, which is crackled where she impacted, and rises from the ground. If the woman she loves and who loves her is literally willing to take blows for her,  _ from _ her, maybe it means she should try and let go of the guilt.

She growls and they both charge at the same time.

The barbarian hits again and again, and the monk goes into a series of bouncy dodges, until she can’t dodge anymore. She is moving to the side when Yasha catches her arm. She pulls her and in a literal blind rage headbutts her, aiming for the face. Beau takes it with a grunt and Yasha is suddenly distracted when she hears that the exhale of breath came from above her face. She opens her eyes and realizes where exactly her head collided: dead center in the monk’s chest.

Yasha suddenly lets go of Beau's arm as the monk is reeling from the impact, and just like that, her guilt comes back full force.

* * *

_ “She rejects the Angel’s embrace. And my embrace. You know what you must do, Orphan Maker. You must expel she who rejects Her guidance.” _

_ “No! No, I can’t!” _

_ But Obann is insistent. “Break the chain. Sever her thread. Kill her now. Do it for the Angel. For me.” _

_ “No, please, gods, NO!” _

_ She tries to get her body to move, and it does move, but not of her own accord. She feels just as much as sees herself approaching a badly wounded Beauregard, the Laughing Hand stunned from her relentless assault, and as the monk turns around she is left stunned herself, but in a different way. _

_ “Long time no see.” _

_ Beauregard. Strong, smart, beautiful Beauregard. When last she saw her, she was clad in her garb from Rosohna and one of Captain Avantika’s coats, just as she is now. Only she is also now wearing a circlet that adorns her head and monk vestments similar to what she had before but more ornate, the clothes on top of numerous new scars indicating that something significant happened in her absence. Even in the midst of such a hellish battle, even when on the brink of collapse, she radiates an aura of confidence and strength. Perhaps the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in so long. _

_ Two months too long. _

_ But the Orphan Maker doesn’t respond. Instead, her grip tightens around the Skingorger. _

_ “No! Beau, please! RUN!” _

_ But Beauregard doesn’t run, her gaze momentarily drawn to the deadly greatsword held by the Orphan Maker, who uses the moment to charge towards her, intent on cutting her down as she had done to so many other monks of her ilk, those foolish mortals in cobalt blue garb who kept secrets from Obann and the Angel. _

_ She slashes forward, the monk barely dodging a cleave to the throat. She continues to leap and bounce but the Orphan Maker, already well aware of the monk’s skill in evasion, uses the momentum of one of her wide swings in a sudden remise that not only takes the monk off guard but delivers a clean, brutal hit to her midsection. The woman screams in pain and plummets to the floor of the cathedral, bleeding and only barely moving. The Orphan Maker advances. _

_ “No! No! NO!” _

_ But despite her pleas, the Orphan Maker raises the Skingorger and brings it down, straight through the chest of her quarry. The monk’s eyes begin to dim as they stare right back at her. _

_ “No! BEAU! NO!” _

_ The Orphan Maker just stares at the fallen woman, her own eyes wide and… tears? Are these the tears of the Orphan Maker? Or are they her own? And in that instant, she finds that she is unable to twist the Skingorger to finish her off. _

_ “NO NO NO! I CAN’T! I WON’T! Oh gods, forgive me!” _

_ The Orphan Maker continues to attempt to twist the blade, but to no avail. What an annoyance, to be held back by this foreign essence in her mind, and yet she continues to cry, undaunted in her purpose as she withdraws the Skingorger from the chest of the monk, a gout of crimson bubbling out from the wound. But her eyes fall elsewhere, to the half-orc who fell under attack by the Inevitable End. And as she advanced, intent on finishing him next and feeling the faintest of relief as her own life essence was extracted-- _

_ CRASH!! _

_ All of a sudden, thunder and lightning crashes down from outside the Chantry as the Orphan Maker feels an agonizing sensation at the base of her neck, screaming in pain and sorrow, begging Obann and the Angel to save her from this pain… _

_...and then there is silence. Sudden, immediate… cathartic silence. She can no longer hear Obann, can no longer feel the compulsion to kill in the name of the Angel, can feel her body beginning to respond to her own will once more, just as she hears a very familiar breath from behind her. _

_ Beau. _

_ And just as quickly, Yasha feels and hears an intense flame from behind her and the sounds of the Laughing Hand weakening until he too is silenced, followed by the telltale signs of a body rising from the ground. She dares to turn around, and sees her. She sees Beau, her Beau, standing with a still-bleeding wound in her chest, her long hair (it’d grown so much) loosened from the ongoing battle, her newer vestments torn and sullied with her own blood and shards of stained glass sticking to her skin. Wounded, exhausted, but still standing. Breathing.  _ **_Alive._ **

_ Not long after, as they pursue Obann, she sheepishly approaches Beau and reaches out to heal her, but can’t stop her hand from shaking. Beau grabs her hand and holds it firmly in place, as Yasha mends what little she can. _

_ “It’s good to have you back. Like,  _ back _ -back,” Beau tells her, a very weak smile on her face, yet it’s a smile full of life. _

* * *

"Yasha Nydoorin! Don't freeze up on me!”

Yasha suddenly feels a sharp blow right under the chin knock her out of the memory, from the palm of Beau’s hand. She then hits Yasha again, with a left hook in the face this time.

“I’m strong, I can take it.” She goes for another blow, but Yasha stops her fist before it hits.

“I love fiercely, but I fight fiercely too. So don’t. Hold. Back!”

She shouts the last word as she uses the fist Yasha is not holding to uppercut her.

“If I make you feel strong, prove it! Show me!”

Yasha barely has time to compose herself before Beau elbows her in the ribs.

“If I make you feel safe, then talk to me when you need to! Otherwise, what was the point of writing that letter? Or opening your heart to me?!”

Beau prepares for one final blow and she looks Yasha right in the eye.

“No matter what, I’ll have your back, no questions asked.”

With that, she headbutts Yasha in the face just like she had attempted moments ago. But to her surprise, Yasha doesn’t react. She takes it like it’s nothing. Beau is pretty sure she heard a crack and when she steps back, she can see Yasha’s nose is indeed bleeding. But she doesn’t move. She stares back at her. Her feral expression is still there.

Beau doesn’t know what to do at this point. She opens her mouth to speak, but Yasha moves at this exact moment. With an unusual and surreal speed, Yasha swiftly grabs her wrist and goes around her. She then wraps one arm around Beau’s neck, squeezes a bit, still holding her wrist. With her other hand, she stops Beau’s attempt to free herself. In just a few seconds, she has the monk pinned and helpless. She leans close to her ear.

“I could crush you right away, you know that, right?”

She can feel Beau nod.

“Are you afraid?”

“No.”

The simple, sudden answer gives Yasha pause. She’s… not afraid? “Why?”

Beau pauses, then exhales. “Can you let me go? I want you to look me in the eye.”

Yasha herself pauses for a moment. Then she relaxes her grip and lets Beau turn around. The two of them place their hands on each other’s shoulders. “Why aren’t you afraid, Beau?”

Beau steadies her breathing before responding, yet Yasha can still sense the quivering in her smaller frame. “Because I was already afraid when they kept me from you.” She then elaborates while looking her in the eye. “The Assembly. They kept whittling down my confidence, my resolve, my self-worth. And that was just before they silenced me.”

Beau pauses again, and it’s only now that the tears begin to form as Yasha anticipates that what she is about to hear must be absolutely soul-crushing.

“They kept on taunting me. Saying shit like ‘If you're so convinced the Cerberus Assembly is rotten, who's to say the same is not true for the Cobalt Soul?’ or ‘Do you actually believe your friends will come? It's been days and you're still here, all alone. Maybe they don't care about you in the end. Or maybe Expositors are not so good at their job after all.’ They were quite good at getting into my head, even having the audacity to say, ‘You’re alone. You’ll always be alone. And since you don't want to talk, maybe you don't need your voice after all. What good are words with no one to hear them?’”

She shakes her head, not bothering to hide her tears. “I still knew they were bluffing. And yet, I couldn’t deny that there was some truth to what they said. I had never given up on you, even when I should have many times over. And yet… you weren’t there. No one was there.”

Yasha was rendered speechless for a brief moment. She then found herself mumbling, “The worst must have been wondering if we actually hadn’t come like they were pretending or if… they had killed us... or me.”

Beau shook her head. “Somewhat. But no… the clincher was… they...”

“What did they do, Beau?”

Beau lowered her head just a bit, but she still retained eye contact. “They burned it. Right in front of me. It was like an open window into your heart, indisputable proof that you saw me as you always have… and they shut that window right in front of me. And that...” She sobs. “That wounded me far worse than that fucking sword. And only after that… did they do it. Then they sent me back, message fucking received.”

Now it was Beau’s turn to notice the quivering in Yasha’s frame, only it was much more palpable. “Gods… damn… them...”

“I… After they sent me back, I was broken. So broken. Not even Dairon was able to help keep me settled. It was horrible. I couldn’t even hear myself crying. But...” Beau straightens her head up. “I remembered what you wrote. Even though they burned it, those words were still etched into my soul. And I remembered something else, something that I’d done while we were still in Eiselcross.”

She tries to get back up to her feet, Yasha helping keep her steady. She then goes over to her satchel and pulls out a very familiar tome to Yasha. “Your journal?”

“One of several. It’s what I do, you know?” She then opens the journal, and flips through the pages before finding what she was looking for and shows it to Yasha. It seems like a bit of gibberish to her… until Beau also provides in a second journal a folded familiar parchment to her. She’d seen it before: the cipher from Avantika’s own journal that was decoded by Caleb, all those months ago on Darktow.

Taking the cipher, Yasha compares it to the writing on the pages. Upon reading them, she can’t help but gasp. It is a series of words. Very familiar words albeit coded, in Beau’s handwriting instead of her own. “You...”

Beau nods. “I did. It’s what kept me sane the whole time before I saw you all again. What do you think I was doing before you showed up that day?”

Yasha’s dual-colored eyes go back to the pages, and she notices a few additional scrawls in the margins. “‘I love you, Yasha. I’ve seen you just as you’ve seen me. If you’re able to read this, then I guess I managed to find my way back to you, just as you did. Just please, don’t leave me again.’”

She hands the journal and cipher back to Beau. “I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t,” Beau quipped, half a joke and half serious. “I’m all tuckered out. Consider it stress relief from not being able to speak for so long, and by gods, I had a fuckton to say.”

She then opens her arms and hugs Yasha with what strength she has left. Yasha returns the embrace just as weakly, a part of her mind amused yet amazed that someone like Beau could push her to her limit. The only other one who could do so was…

Beau sniffles a bit. “Hey, Yasha. Will you do me a favor?” She feels her nod. “Some time later on, will you tell me? About… Zuala?”

Yasha freezes. Where is this request coming from? Beau breaks the hug, sensing the aasimar’s hesitancy, and says, “I’d like to know more about her. I’d like to know more about the woman who managed to find you and love you. I’d like to know her story and yours, the good and the bad. Is that okay?”

Yasha remains silent for a moment, and then mutters, “‘Don’t let me be a shackle’.”

“Huh?”

Yasha looks at Beau again and says, “I’d love to. But first...” she sniffles as she tastes a very familiar copper liquid on her lips.

“Oh. Right. We should take care of this, huh?” The moment diffused for now, Beau reaches for a nearby cloth and wipes some of the blood that dripped from Yasha’s nose.

Yasha doesn’t complain about the dull pain when Beau cleans her up. “I think it’s worth asking for one of our clerics’ help.”

“Jester will make it a big deal.”

“I mean… It  _ is _ a big deal, Beau.”

“Yeah, but you know what I mean.”

Yasha can’t help but giggle. “I can’t believe we actually fought each other. What kind of couples do that?”

“Damaged ones who ‘love each other so fiercely’, I guess. Hopefully, it will help.”

“Unless we kill each other before actually healing from our mental wounds.”

They both laugh. Beau uses the cloth to finish getting rid of the blood on Yasha’s face. Yasha in turn then takes the cloth from her hand and cleans the blood that poured down the side of Beau’s face from her eyebrow before tossing it aside. “I’m quite good at love-sparring, it seems.”

She gently rubs her thumb across Beau’s eyebrow, careful not to touch the cut too harshly, and divine energy comes from her hand. The wound closes up and Beau smiles, Yasha’s hand still warm from the healing caressing her cheek as the other caresses her long, dark-brown hair.

“Caduceus?”

Yasha nods in approval, “Caduceus.” They get to their friend’s room, which is right next to Yasha’s. Beau is about to knock, but Yasha stops her. “Do you think he heard us?”

“Nah. The walls are thick.”

“Thick enough, I hope.”

“He’s about to know what happened regardless.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Beau knocks and they hear Caduceus’ deep voice invite them in. He is sitting on a cushion on the ground with a cup of tea in his hands.

“Hey, how are you d--” He opens wide eyes and almost drops his cup. “What in the name of Melora happened to  _ you _ ?”

Beau closes the door. “The details are boring, believe me.”

Caduceus eyes both of them warily. “Mmh. I see.” He stands up and goes to grab two other cushions to put them next to him. “Come sit with me. Let’s have a look at those.”

Yasha and Beau obey and sit down. Caduceus doesn’t join them right away. He takes a moment to prepare more tea and pours two more cups that he brings. “Here you go.”

Yasha smiles, “Thanks, Caduceus.”

“Now, let’s see.” He takes a look at the aasimar’s face. “I guess you want me to heal that.”

“If you have the right spells prepared. Otherwise, we can ask Jester.”

“No, no, it’s okay. You came to the right cleric.”

Beau takes a whiff of the tea. “Who are we indulging in today, Deucey?”

Caduceus rubs his chin in contemplation. “Oh, no one special. The Amoura family. Tended to get into spats often, yet still loved each other whole-heartedly, even being physical when they had to.”

Beau can’t hide her grin. She likes when Caduceus is shady without meaning to.

“These bruises are pretty bad. What have you two been up to, if I’m not overstepping?”

Yasha takes a sip of her tea, “Therapy.”

Beau sips her tea too, “Yup, um,  _ physical _ therapy.”  _ Technically, not a lie. _

Caduceus frowns a bit, but his expression is still candid. He looks confused, but he shrugs it off, “Well. I’m proud of you.”

Beau lowers her head sheepishly. “I know you hate the idea of pain being good for people, but--”

Caduceus shakes his head, smiling. “I know you, Beau. You’re usually the exception to the rule. I’m just glad it did help you both for once.”

Beau is left speechless.  _ How the fuck does he do that? _

Yasha can’t help it. She needs to know. “Did… Did you hear us fight?”

Caduceus stares at her for a moment. “Well, let’s just say I prefer when you spend the night in Beau’s room instead of yours. Does that answer your question?”

Yasha’s entire face instantly turns red. Beau is embarrassed too, but amusement is stronger. “Thank the gods that no one else lives on this floor… and that the iris was closed.”

Caduceus smiles another of his winning, healing smiles. “I won’t lie. It was quite amusing. It’s nice. Even nicer seeing you both in better spirits. But in all seriousness, glad to see you resolved things.”

Beau looks over to Yasha, the aasimar’s face still a deep crimson, then back to Caduceus. “Me too. Sometimes it’s better to speak with your heart than with your mind.”

“And at times, your fists,” Yasha adds. She moves her jaw and an audible cracking permeates the otherwise tranquil air. “Gods, Beau, you weren’t kidding. If you were any stronger, you’d probably punch my head off.”

Beau frowns. “That… That’s a joke, right?”

“Yes.”

The immediate, deadpan and short response was all that needed to be said, before all three of them began to laugh.

After a moment, when they all calm down from their giggles, Caduceus wipes a small tear at the corner of his eye. “Alright, I should probably attend to these wounds.” He reaches out and a soft light emanates from his hands. Beau and Yasha feel their wounds heal and close up. They both breathe in, happy that the soreness is going away.

Caduceus exhales in satisfaction, “That’s better.”

They look at each other and see their faces are back to normal, free from any bruise. Yasha turns to Caduceus, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But please, don’t make it a habit. I prefer to heal my friends when they are attacked by enemies, not because they lashed out at each other.”

“To be fair, Deucey, not all enemies are out in the open,” Beau retorts, and even Caduceus is left speechless for a moment.

“Fair point.”

“But you’re right. We’ll take it elsewhere. Like, say, my room?” Beau quips, earning another deep blush from Yasha. “What? I have a training pit. More interesting dummies to beat the crap out of. And I mean the mirror is pretty nice, we still haven’t--”

“Okay Beau, okay, we get it.” Yasha has rarely been so embarrassed. She turns to Caduceus with an apologetic face. “We won’t bother you any longer. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

They put their cups down and go to the door. Beau leaves first and Yasha turns back before following her. “Sorry about that. If you’re uncomfortable with that, just let us know, okay?”

“Wha-What do you mean?”

“You told us sex wasn’t your thing, so… I don’t know. We tend to speak about it pretty often in this group, now that I think about it. So just tell us if you need us to stop. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around us.”

Caduceus chuckles in that deep timbre of his. “Just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean I can’t stand hearing about it. It’s entertaining to watch you guys and your shenanigans with such base instincts. It’s only the natural way of things.”

Yasha then feels a light tap on her bicep and turns to see that Beau hadn’t quite left yet. “Told ya he wouldn’t take offense. Thanks again, Cad!”

Caduceus nods, “Just want to say… It's about time you stopped dancing around each other. If it kept happening, I’d have definitely involved Veth, or maybe Jester--”

**_“Oh, GODS, no!”_ ** the crimson-flushed sentinels yelled in unison as they shut the door behind them, leaving a content and quietly smug Caduceus Clay to his own devices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurray for physical therapy born of "tough love".
> 
> The entire flashback was based on Isa Mocha's animatic of the same moment, and it's amazing.


	16. Serenading in the Trenches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tripped on my compass as I fled on foot/Shed all my luggage, all your fuck-me-boots
> 
> Cute as a button on a wounded high horse/Sink into the quicksand of desire and remorse
> 
> Pissed off and juiced up, with my back to the wall/Blindfolded, eager to give into the fall
> 
> Stripped of the structures that boggled my mind/Sink into the quicksand, making up for lost time
> 
> Serenading in the trenches/Do you wanna pretend we’re dead?
> 
> Serenading in the trenches/Do you wanna make love instead?
> 
> Cute-ass casualties, clueless come-ons/Our aborted mission, our self-indulgence
> 
> Bled out from paper cuts all over the news/Softened the bruises with a one-sided truce
> 
> Stripped of our passions, in a lukewarm embrace/Sink into the quicksand of stale dignity and grace
> 
> Keep it up, keep on, try keeping up with myself/Old ideas, splinters, put that shit on the shelf
> 
> Slumbering limbo, laurels resting on me/Sink into the quicksand of a ruthless memory
> 
> Thought I saw you at the finish line/And you were burning a flag/And you were biding your time
> 
> Serenading in the trenches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clothes, consent, and coping. That's this chapter in a nutshell.
> 
> Also... more headcanons! Obann gave Yasha those clothes, and even burned her old ones just so she's stuck with them... yet made her keep the shawl. And I'm pretty sure the shawl was a gift from Zuala.
> 
> TW: self-harm.

The morning comes without a fuss. No whispers, no bad dreams, just a pleasant slumber for once. Perhaps the best night’s sleep she’s had in a while.

Beau opens her eyes and rubs the sleepiness out of them, tousling her bed hair, and feeling sore as fuck. The “therapy” that she initiated with Yasha really wore her out, so much so that they didn’t do much other than cuddle and sleep. Even now, she still feels like she got pummeled by a thousand blows.

_ Worth it, to give Yasha some peace of mind. _

Beau looks to the side. Yasha is still fast asleep on her back, white hair with a few black strands framing her whole upper body like a veil. She can’t deny what a beautiful sight it is. And the smile on Yasha’s face shows that her night was just as peaceful, the corners of her mouth twitching ever so slightly from time to time, but she is still sleeping. Her breathing is steady and the sound is incredibly relaxing. Beau closes her eyes for a bit, until a memory from the night before comes back.

After going to Caduceus for tea and for both physical and emotional healing, they went directly to Beau’s room, but something stayed in Yasha’s room that was meant for her. With a lot of precautions, intent on not waking Yasha up, Beau gets out of bed and sneaks out of the room. There is no sign of activity in the tower. It must be early and it’s very likely that everybody is asleep. She levitates down to the fifth floor and goes to Yasha’s room.

She finds what she came for under a piece of furniture. It must have been pushed there during their sparring, after she dropped it when she entered the room. On her way out, Beau notices they also toppled a vase that broke and spilled water and flowers onto the ground.

_ Oopsie. Well… It will be back to normal next time, like the rest. _

She exits the room and is about to head to her own, but she briefly stops. She smiles as an idea forms into her mind. A few minutes later, she is back in her room. Yasha is still sleeping tight, apparently not bothered by her absence. Beau has the package she retrieved under her arm. She puts it down onto the side table and in her other arm is a familiar furred animal that had grown quite a bit in just these past few weeks.

She gently puts Henriette on the bed, next to Yasha. She thought she would smell her hand, but instead, she sniffs her face. Beau has to smother a giggle. Yasha frowns in her sleep, the whiskers probably tickling her nose, and recoils a bit. Beau knows it’s only a matter of time before she wakes up.

She bends down and whispers, “Wakey, wakey, Angel.”

After a moment, Yasha opens her eyes and blinks. Henriette seems to recognize her and boops her nose with her own. Beau can see Yasha is still sleepy, and trying to make sense of the cat right in front of her face.

“Wanna experience the best awakening ever?” Beau says as she gently grabs Henriette, lifts the covers just enough to slip her under, and puts her right against Yasha’s torso. The aasimar is a bit taken aback, still confused by her very recent and unusual wake-up, but the cat immediately starts purring loudly and it just melts her heart. Henriette gently kneads Yasha’s belly with her paws and does kitty biscuits. The massive, imposing barbarian can’t help a “aw” coming out.

“Thanks. Helps with the soreness,” Yasha says as she tries to wiggle a bit but winces. Clearly she’s still feeling a little in pain. “Gods, you really gave it your all, didn’t you?”

“I could say the same about you,” Beau replies with a grin. “Took you some time, but once you got started, you went all in.”

Yasha holds Henriette against her and then moves a bit. “Come on,” she taps the bed for Beau to join.

The monk eagerly climbs into bed and pulls the covers over the two of them, or rather the three. They are on each side of Henriette, tightly hugging her, and she purrs even louder if possible. Beau and Yasha chuckle and the cat curls up against them as they pet her.

“I think she’s in paradise right now.”

“Most definitely.”

They cuddle together and Yasha puts her face into Beau’s neck. This is not something she does often. Actually, it’s safe to say that it has always been the other way around. But then again, they haven’t been together for that long. Beau doesn’t complain about this sudden reversal however. In fact, she likes it. She wraps her arms around Yasha and holds her tight.

Yasha has been the one comforting her and supporting her lately, and for good reasons. But the events of the night before probably led to a shift, one that Beau would happily get used to. It’s really nice to be the one in a position of protector for once. Her own problems are far from being solved, but she wants to be there for Yasha nevertheless. She wonders if the fact that they finally talked about the letter has something to do with this sudden change in Yasha’s attitude.

**_“You make me feel safe.”_ **

Yasha’s head nuzzles Beau’s neck a bit, the monk realizing she said it out loud. “I think it’s the other way around, Beau.”

Beau gives a smile. “Either or, honestly. We make each other feel safe.”

“Yeah… that sounds nice,” Yasha responds, already beginning to lull back to sleep. Poor thing is so worn out. Beau at first almost wishes that she did hold back a little, but she’s normally not one to pull her punches, literally and metaphorically. Henriette mewls with content, sandwiched between the two women.

“Hey. Yasha. I got you something yesterday.”

Yasha’s eyes become a bit more attentive. “Oh? What is it?”

Beau reaches towards the table where she had placed a specific item and hands it to Yasha. “Here you go. I wasn’t sure if it’s what you wanted, but...”

Yasha seems hesitant. She sits up to be more comfortable, looks at the wrapping, but doesn’t open it. “You-You bought me something?”

Beau smiles a bit wider. “Yeah, silly. What’s so strange about it?” Her amusement suddenly turns into nervousness. “You’re not happy?”

“W-Well… no one’s really given me much before, except Molly. Even Zuala couldn’t, because they weren’t supposed to, you know... I’m just so used to not expecting things.”

“‘The trick is to not expect anything in life. Then you'll never be disappointed.’” Beau’s heart breaks a little. A memory from so long ago. “You said that once.”

Yasha’s eyes go wide. “Huh. I guess I did.”

“Well, they should have. Given you things, I mean.”

Yasha goes quiet.

“Do you still believe your own words now? Fuck ‘abandoning expectations’. I know I’m contradicting what I myself had said… but you only get one life. No more pretending you’re not worth anyone’s time.”

Yasha just nods. But she’s at least still smiling.

Henriette pokes her head out of the sheets, probably upset that no one is petting her anymore. Beau gives her scratches behind the ears. “Well, open it.”

Yasha unwraps the package and finally discovers what’s inside. She unfolds the clothes and holds it in front of her to have a good look at it.

“So? Do you like it?” Beau asks, unable to hide her nervousness. “It’s okay if you don’t. We can change it, or just bring it back if you prefer your current outfit, you know.” Being silent had kept her from rambling in recent times, but it’s back full-power now.

The outfit in question is but a simple one, much like Beau’s. A nondescript gray sleeveless tunic, a leather corset, and brown trousers. Also included are some nicely made boots. It’s much like the clothes she wore when she first met Beau over a year ago, only fresh and untattered. What Yasha also suddenly notices is a small box mixed in with the clothing.

“You said you didn’t like flashy stuff, so I went with the most basic, ordinary stuff I could find and-”

Yasha kisses Beau on the cheek. “Thank you.” She holds up the box. “And what’s in here?”

Beau blushes a little. Small simple gestures like the kiss Yasha just gave her always have this effect on her. “Just open it, you’ll see.”

Yasha does as told. The earrings are distinctly different from each other. At first glance they look like plain, nondescript hoop earrings. But upon closer examination, one earring has the symbol of the Stormlord etched into it… and the other has an etching of the symbol of the Knowing Mistress.

“Beau...”

“I’m just glad I finally had a use for my jeweler’s kit. I had to buy the earrings, but the etchings were all me.” Beau yawns a little. “Had to wake up in the middle of the night to finish them while you slept. Probably not smart after our ‘therapy’, but… it’s the thought that counts?”

Yasha is left speechless for a short moment, until she lets out a chuckle. “You’re crazy.” She smiles and then focuses back on the outfit Beau got her. “But… why clothes?”

Beau averts her gaze and looks down at Henriette, still scratching her. “Um… I didn’t know how to ask you… I-I just… thought you might like a change of outfit. You said it yourself: we’re all changing.”

“Beau?”

She looks up and immediately knows she’s been busted when she sees Yasha’s knowing face. She can’t hide her emotions from her and sometimes it’s as maddening as it is comforting. “I didn’t know how to ask but… what you were wearing before… did you get those clothes from Obann?”

Yasha’s shoulder slump and her expression darkens.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Forget about it, we can--”

“It’s okay, Beau.” She gently takes her hand to calm her down, as she knows she is going to ramble again. “I wanted to talk about it actually, but just like you, I didn’t know how.” She inhales deeply. “Yes, Obann put me in these clothes. He bought it for me, or rather killed the tailor and stole it, had me put it on… and put what I had before to the torch.”

A short disheartened laugh escapes her. “He said those newer clothes ‘looked good on me’. Bastard even made me keep my shawl, just to remind me of what I’d lost. Again.”

Beau can’t hide her disgust, and a deep anger quickly adds to it. “Did he… damn, I don’t even know how to ask… Did he… watch you? Or ever did anything creepy?”

Yasha immediately holds her hand tight, afraid she might imagine things that would surely hurt her. “No! No, he didn’t. He forced me to do a lot of terrible things, as you already know, but he never did anything to me directly. He was creepy sometimes, but that was about it.” She pauses briefly and instinctively reaches for her symbol, but quickly realizes she is not wearing it. “The Stormlord was watching over me. He protected me and kept him away when needed.”

“Yeah. There was a time where Jester scried on you and saw one of his interventions.”

“He really tried to help me break free. But I guess even he wasn’t strong enough to oppose a power granted by the Chained Oblivion.”

“It’s okay, Yasha.” Beau’s grip tightens. “He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore. You helped make that happen.”

She nods, but Beau can see she is far gone already. “Hey… can I put these on you?”

Yasha blinks a few times. Her breathing was just starting to get erratic, but the question seems to be enough to bring her back to the moment. “Yes, please.”

Beau puts Henriette into Yasha’s arms as she takes the earrings from the box and gets to work putting them on. She thinks for a moment before deciding to put the Ioun earring on her teal-eyed side and the Kord earring on the violet-eyed side. When she finishes, she grabs a hand mirror and shows it to Yasha.

“What do you think?”

“I love them.” She turns to Beau and smiles. “Thank you, Beau.” She kisses her on the corner of the lips and the monk’s face turns red again. “For the earrings  _ and _ the clothes. I wasn’t sure how I felt about those, didn’t know if I wanted to get rid of them or not. But I think I need it if I want to keep moving forward.”

“Also, for the record,” Beau replies sheepishly, “those straps are a pain in the ass to undo every time I want you. You know? So I might have had...another ulterior motive.”

Yasha just shakes her head and laughs. “Of course you did. But now you’re gonna have to deal with a corset, and that one is on you.”

“Well, I mean… the tunic can leave while the corset stays. I think it’d be very hot, actually.”

Yasha grins, “You always have the last word, don’t you, Expositor Beauregard?”

“About as often as you get the last laugh in, Orphan Maker.”

And sure enough, that does get another laugh out of Yasha. “Very fair. Anyway… is it time for breakfast already?”

Beau has that look of uncertainty on her face. “Not sure. But just to be safe, I think I’m gonna go drag Fjord out of his room… or maybe Jester’s depending on where he is.”

“Tell him to leave your beautiful face alone this time if your training turns into a quarrel again.”

“Sure will,” she kisses Yasha on the forehead, Henriette on the head, and gets out of bed. She quickly changes into her usual training attire, wrapping her head in her sash again, and just heads out the door when…

“Ow!”

… she bumps into Fjord who was just standing outside her door. “Beau! I, uh, didn’t hear you-”

“For gods’ sake, Fjord,  **knock** !”

“I was about to! You weren’t paying attention.”

Beau glares at her captain, rubbing her already sore forehead. “You just earned yourself two hundred more reps, buddy.” And then she stomps off to the training pit in the archives. Fjord just looks confused before looking at Yasha who by this point actually puts on her coat over her new outfit.

“Did I interrupt something?” 

Yasha gives no reply. Just an intimidating glare that sends him running as he closes the door. She looks at Henriette on the bed and mutters, “Men, am I right?”

Henriette meows in agreement. This is going to be another one of those days.

* * *

That's it. Beau can't handle it anymore.

She feels like Yasha is constantly staring at her and she knows this is not just her imagination hoaxing her. But when she thinks it can't get worse, Yasha takes it to the next level.

They are all sitting at the table, having dinner. Clara and TJ are currently out in the archive, reading storybooks. Jester is rambling about the Traveler like she often does. He cleaned his day to spend it with her and she is over the moon. The party is still very wary and suspicious toward him, but apparently they didn’t get themselves into trouble. Not real trouble, at least.

They are all listening very closely because… Well, because this is Jester, and she could be telling the stupidest story in the world - say, the day where she saw a bug climb stairs with a piece of bread - and they would all be mesmerized.

But there is one person around the table that seems to not pay much attention. Or at least, that’s what Beau thinks at first as she feels something going up her leg.

She immediately looks at Yasha, who is sitting in front of her, but the aasimar is staring right at Jester. She seems to be listening, even nodding and grinning from time to time. However, Beau knows a foot is making its way up her leg at this exact moment, and she knows it is Yasha’s. She shifts her sitting position, but Yasha tracks her. She wishes she could give her payback, but her legs are shorter and she can’t quite reach her.

She manages to stay still and keep her poker face up, until she can’t. Yasha gets to her knee and nudges it to the side. Is she actually trying to fucking  _ spread her legs? Here? In front of everyone? As they’re having fucking dinner? _

Beau loses her nerve. She stamps to make Yasha stop and, instantly, everybody around the table looks at her.

Caleb raises his eyebrows, “Are you okay, Beauregard?”

Yasha stopped just for a couple seconds and now, she is back at it again.

Beau grits her teeth. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a damn cat bothering me. Henriette must be playing with my sash, she loves it.”

Caleb looks under the table. Beau tenses, but she feels Yasha’s foot immediately leave her leg. Caleb sits straight. “There is no cat under the table.”

Beau fakes a look of surprise, “Really?” Yasha’s foot is back again, more insistent.

“ _ Ja _ . Not a single soul.”

“Strange.”

Jester looks at Beau with concern in her eyes, “Are these your allergies again?”

“What?”

“We told you not to wear the fabric that caused it anymore.”

“Oh. Um… Yeah, I forgot. So forgetful sometimes.”

Veth frowns, “No, you don’t forget things. Beauregard Lionett doesn’t forget  _ anything _ .”

“Guess there’s a first time for everything.”

Veth continues to push her buttons. “You literally have the same clothes that you've been wearing lately.”

“Well, maybe  _ you _ are the one causing me allergies then.”

Fjord scowls her, “Beau. Be nice.”

“She’s being an asshole!  _ Again! _ ”

Veth just puts on an all-too-innocent smile. “I’m just underlining the evidence.”

Beau is about to counter, but she stops herself. It’s not worth it.

“Whatever. I’m tired. I’ll take my leave and go lay down. Sorry guys.” She stands up and pushes her chair back against the table. “The dinner was delicious, Cad.”

As she is about to leave, they all hear a small meow. They look down and Henriette is at Beau’s feet, rubbing against her legs. Beau smiles at the fact that Henriette being here and Yasha’s attempt at foreplay just happened to coincide to give her the perfect out.

She looks at the others, still smiling, but it doesn’t match the glare she gives Veth and Caleb, “Told you she was here. You need your eyes checked, Widogast.” She looks toward Jester. “Guess it wasn’t my allergies. No offense, Jessie.”

The tiefling smiles sheepishly, “‘Guess there’s a first time for everything’.”

Beau can’t help but smirk at her surprisingly accurate impression of her own voice. “Anyway, I think she’s hungry. I’m gonna feed her and then go to bed.”

Caleb speaks in a softer voice now, “Other cats can take care of her if you want to go to bed.”

“It’s okay. I like spending time with her.” She crouches down and takes Henriette in her arms. “Come on, little one.” The cat looks up although she can’t see. She is still adjusting to Beau’s voice that she discovered only recently.

Beau briskly heads to the kitchens without a glance in anyone’s direction, not even Yasha, who eyes her nervously.

"That wasn't fair, Veth. Stop being an asshole," Jester says, scolding her partner in chaos as soon as Beau is out of sight.

Veth gets defensive. “It’s not my fault that Beau was acting strange. Something about that seemed rather suss.”

“Shut up, Veth,” Yasha retorts, but to everyone’s surprise it comes out as more of a murmur.

The dinner ends in a slightly tense atmosphere. When they are all done and the cats come to clear up the table, Beau still hasn’t returned from the kitchens. The party stays at the table a bit longer, casually chatting.

Yasha stands up hesitantly, “I’m gonna check on Beau. I’ll be right back.” They all look at her as she leaves, but no one speaks.

Upon opening the door, Yasha sees Beau quietly petting Henriette. She stands in the doorway for a moment, not quite sure what to do. She clears her throat loud enough to make her presence known, but Beau doesn’t react. She knows she heard her, she’s certain of it. She’s upset, just like she thought she would be when she saw her leave earlier.

“You’re lucky Henriette bailed me out, or I’d be even more upset.” Beau says, without even looking up at Yasha.

“I’m- I’m sorry, Beau. I- I thought that would be something you’d be into.”

Beau scoffs. Henriette meows when she stops petting her, but she ignores it. She stares at Yasha and then walks straight to her. Yasha doesn’t like the look she sees on her face. But as she thinks Beau is about to raise her voice, she takes her by surprise.

She abruptly grabs the back of her neck and gives her a full-mouth kiss. At first, Yasha is confused. She starts wondering if all this was just false-pretense, a way to bring her to the kitchens where they would be alone, but she quickly realizes this is not what is happening. Beau keeps kissing her harshly, but as her hands begin to slide down, Yasha breaks the kiss and grabs both of Beau’s wrists to make her stop.

“What are you doing?”

Beau pushes against her grip to try and touch her. “You don’t like it?”

“I don’t want someone to walk in and find us like… this.”

“You’re not into it? This is exciting, don’t you think? The possibility of getting caught.” She leans closer with a grin to try and kiss her. “Come on, Yash.” She can’t reach Yasha’s lips, so she kisses her on the neck. She puts enough effort in that she manages to get her hands on her stomach. She grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it up to scratch her skin savagely.

“Beau, stop!”

Yasha pushes her harder this time, rough hands against the other woman's soft tunic. She can feel Beau stop resisting as she steps back and looks her squarely in the eyes… and the earlier look in them is entirely absent. Almost as if she never had “that” in mind. Was Beau just now… putting on an act ?

“' **I thought that would be something you’d be into** '.” She says the words with an acerbic bite.

With a thud-twist of her heart, Yasha realizes what Beau is getting at. It's her own words being used against her. “Message received. I’m sorry.”

Beau’s face immediately turns from scowling to sad. What did she do wrong this time? “What the hell, Yasha? Just because I have my voice back, doesn’t mean you should step on consent.”

Yasha is just left frowning. “You’re the one who escalated it, Beau! How was I supposed to know? I… I truly thought you’d be into it.” But Beau is left silent. “Or… were you just… acting?”

Beau looks at Yasha. “Yeah. I was. I was trying to...” She sighs. “Alright, come on. You said it yourself, they could come in at any moment. Let’s go somewhere private and we’ll talk more.”

Henriette meows loudly. Beau goes back to her, gives her a kiss on the head, and then takes Yasha’s hand and rushes out of the kitchens. They cross the dining room, where some of their friends are still sitting, and don’t even look at them.

Veth eyes them with a grin, “Someone’s about to get some action.”

Fjord frowns, “I know usually I’m the one lecturing Beau about it, but shut up, Veth.”

“What?! But I--” the rest of Veth’s tirade is cut off all of a sudden, and Beau notices out of the corner of her eye a somatic gesture from Caduceus, suggesting he put up a Silence spell around the halfling.

Thankful for the assist, Beau and Yasha levitate up to the sixth floor and go to Beau’s room. Beau opens the door for Yasha and as soon as she is inside and the door is closed and locked, she faces her.

“Okay, now we can talk.” She takes a deep breath. “We haven't had a real conversation since I got my voice back, to sort out things and… adjust? Maybe we should have talked about it.”

“I’m sorry, Beau.”

Beau sighs, scratching her scalp. “Please stop apologizing. I just need to understand. What went through your mind? Why did you do it without asking beforehand if I’d be okay with it? And why didn’t you stop when I pushed you away at the table?”

Yasha sighs and rubs her eyes, “Okay. I know it will sound stupid and you will probably wonder how you can be dating such a huge idiot, but…” She rubs her eyes some more and then looks up. “I thought it was all part of it. I thought you were just answering the tease and playing along with the game. Gods, I’m so stupid.” Yasha covers her face with her hands.

“Hey, Yash, it’s okay. Yeah, I’m upset that it happened, but I understand how it might have been confusing. Which is why you should have talked to me  _ before _ actually doing it. We haven’t been together that long, after all; we're still figuring things out."

Yasha nods as Beau continues. "And this kind of game, well… it’s tricky sometimes. That’s why it’s important to have a real conversation about it, you know. To establish ground rules. We should have come up with signals long ago, actually.”

Yasha’s eyebrows raise. “Signals?”

“Yeah. Safe words, sentences, gestures. Things to help us speak our mind, without actually saying things out loud. That whole situation could have been avoided if I had a way to tell you to stop without the others knowing what was going on.”

“Or if I had spoken to you before, just like normal people do. I was so used to how things were when you were silent, but now... Ugh!” Yasha covers her face again as it goes crimson. “Henry is gonna be so disappointed with me.”

Beau can’t help but giggle. “I mean, no offense, Yasha, but… how the fuck did you get Zuala in the first place? Were you always like this?”

Yasha’s face reddens more as she pulls her hands away, “Um… well… what gave it away?”

Beau grins, “I can’t wait to hear all the stories you have to tell about the two of you.”

That simple statement makes Yasha feel all sorts of different emotions and a coy smile rises on her face.

Beau gets more serious, “To be fair, maybe I rushed some parts too.”

“It’s not true, don’t say it just to make me feel better.”

Beau shakes her head. “Oh, but it is. In my defense, I wasn’t exactly in the best place that one time, but I did ask you to hurt me out of the blue, so, you know… Probably not the best way to tell your partner you’re into that kind of stuff.”

“And in  _ my _ defense, I’m super fucking dense, so we’re even.” Yasha pauses. “Wait… you’re  _ into _ pain?”

Beau is just left staring. “Yup. Super fucking dense.”

The two of them subsequently catch the giggles and break down into raucous laughter. Thank gods the walls are thicker than normal.

When they finally compose themselves, Beau clears her throat, “No, but really, we should have a serious talk. For instance, do you like being teased in public spaces, or around people you know?”

“I… don’t know. Oh, gods, I’m terrible at this!”

“No, it’s okay. It’s not about being good or bad at this. Even I’m unsure, if only because I never had a meaningful relationship before you. We’ll figure it out together, okay?”

Yasha just nods.

“Let’s start with something easier. Is there something you’d like to try?”

Yasha purses her lips, “I feel like it’s harder precisely because it’s open-ended, to be honest.”

“Take your time.”

Yasha inhales and sighs deeply. She fidgets a bit as she is thinking.

Beau takes her hand, “Come sit with me.”

They sit down on the bed. Yasha thinks a bit longer before looking up. “I- I think I’d like it if you took the lead.”

Beau is taken aback, “You- You don’t like being in charge?”

“Yes, I do,” Yasha quickly corrects, “I enjoy taking care of you, believe me.”

“You don’t think I’m a pillow princess, do you?”

Yasha grins, amused to see that the dynamic is suddenly reversed. “I don’t. You’re not a pillow princess.” Beau seems relieved so Yasha continues. “As much as I’ve liked our dynamic so far, I know I also like being taken care of, and I’d like to try it with you, to see if it’s something I’d appreciate with you as my partner.”

Beau slowly nods with a thoughtful expression, “Okay, I understand. Um… like I said, I’m unsure and I’m not really used to it. I’ve rarely done it, if ever. But I can try. For you.”

Yasha gently squeezes Beau’s hands. “We don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s okay. I’d tell you if I didn’t want to try.”

“Okay,” Yasha offers a soft smile that quickly turns into a grin. “So… Pain, huh? That wasn’t a one-time thing.”

“Does it make you uncomfortable?”

Yasha takes a moment before answering, “I will probably sound like I have no idea what I like or not, but, well… I don’t know. I don’t think so?”

Beau pats her knee. “We’ll figure that out too. But just so you know, that one time, you were probably right to deny me that. As I said, it wasn’t the greatest way to tell you about that kink. And I’m not sure I was in my right mind that day.”

“You had good reasons.”

“I guess.” Beau shortly looks in the distance before shaking herself back to reality. “But the rest of the time, when I ask for pain, I mean it. I’m not saying it to pressure you, I just want to make it clear this time. Better late than never. If you think it might be your thing too and you want to try it sometimes, just let me know.”

Yasha nods. She seems to be deep in her thoughts. “I guess…” She is hesitant. “I guess… I'd like to know what it is that you like about it?”

Beau breathes in. She ponders the question for a bit and tries to find the right words. “I know I said as such before, but it anchors me when I’m not… all there. It reminds me of how I feel when in the thick of battle, which makes me feel alive.”

“‘You’re usually the exception to the rule.’ That’s what Cad meant, right?”

Beau nods. “Yup. Otherwise, I’d feel numb inside.”

She intertwines her fingers with Yasha’s. “I also think it’s a good testimony of mutual trust, you know. I like to see how far I’m willing to go and how far my partner is willing to take me. I think it tells a lot about a relationship when you’re able to trust someone with inflicting just enough pain to make it exciting and still be careful not to cross the line. It takes a lot of mutual respect, which I think is beautiful.”

“It’s a lot to process, but it’s good if you continue to remind me,” Yasha tells her.

Beau nods. “Hell, even  _ this _ is a reminder. That I’m just like you: a survivor.”

She reaches for the collar of her tunic and tugs it a bit, just enough to show the top of her scar. She then gently touches the back of Yasha’s neck, where she thinks the mark must be. “That night changed us both. And if I’m being perfectly fucking honest… I wouldn’t take it back. It brought you back to us. To  _ me _ .”

Yasha looks slightly uncomfortable, but she handles it much better than she usually does. “I’m not there yet. But I’m working on it.”

“I know, and it’s fine. Take all the time you need, Yash.” Beau leans closer and kisses her. Yasha responds and when the kiss ends and Beau is about to back off, she wraps her arms around her neck and pulls her into a hug.

“That was nice. A bit stressful, but nice. We should do it more.”

“What? Talk about having sex? I’d rather do the real thing, but I guess that’ll do.”

Yasha chuckles, “Silly.”

They hug for a little longer and enjoy the moment.

* * *

Yasha wakes up with a jolt. For a moment, she’s lost and she doesn’t know where she is. She looks around her and sees Beau sleeping next to her.

Yes. Right. They’re not at the cathedral, they’re in Caleb’s tower and Beau is fine.

She sits up, careful not to wake up Beau. She sighs deeply and rubs the back of her neck. It’s drenched.

Same nightmare. Same gruesome vision of Beau’s mutilated body. Same cold sweat.

She shakes her head and tries to expel the imagery from her mind. She grabs her head and closes her eyes, but the vision instantly flashes back. She opens them, but every time she blinks, it’s back.

She fights the urge to leave the bed and find a private place where she will be able to do what needs to be done to defuse the tension. She bites her fist until she can feel the taste of blood, but it’s not enough. She grabs her head again.

She loathes herself so much. This is unbearable. She needs to transform the emotional suffering into physical pain, or she might go mad.

She resists a little longer, but she eventually gives up.

As discreetly as possible, she sneaks out of the bed. She waits a few seconds, anxiously watching and listening. Beau slightly moves, but her breath is steady. She’s still sleeping.

Yasha tiptoes to the bathroom and closes the door without a sound. She should wait a bit longer to make sure Beau is still asleep and will not come in, but she can’t.

She stands in front of the mirror and stares at her reflection. She is disgusted with herself.

Her wings spread out. Her white, immaculate, almost shiny wings. She wishes she could rip them off just like she did with Obann’s. The pure ecstasy she felt in that moment was exquisite. She tried once, but she didn’t have enough strength when reaching that far in her back, and she instantly heard an angry rumble of thunder in the distance.

She said she would try to stop, and she did try. She hasn’t done anything for several days, since Beau walked in on her actually. But this is too much. She can’t take it anymore. She needs to release the tension.

She brings her wings to her front to have a good grip on them and takes a handful of feathers. She is about to pluck them out, but she freezes when she feels two hands lay on the basis of her wings. Two soft, gentle, much smaller hands than hers. How did she sneak up on her so well she didn't hear the door open?!

“Don’t.”

Yasha feels like her heart just stopped. She holds her breath.

"Don't do this. Not again." The voice is pleading. “Please.”

It’s just a whisper now. A desperate, heartbreaking whisper. This is not fair. It would be so easy to just do what she needs to feel just a bit better, or at least less terrible, but Beau makes it so hard. Yasha starts quivering and her grip on the feather lessens against her own will.

“I can’t do it, Beau. I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are.”

Beau throws herself against her and wraps her arms tightly around her waist. Yasha doesn’t react. She is still holding onto her wings, even if her grasp is not as tight as before.

“You are strong enough. I know it’s hard, but it’s just another hardship and you’ll get through it just like you got through the rest.”

“Maybe that’s the one I can’t overcome.”

“Don’t say that.” Beau holds her more tightly and lays her head on her back. “You’re a survivor.”

Yasha doesn’t say anything.

“I know you can do it.”

“You don’t understand, Beau. Fighting it hurts more than giving in.”

Beau releases her and then comes in front of her. She puts her hands over hers, still as gentle. “Let go of them. Please. They’re gonna be gone soon.”

“And then what? I’ll have to wait another day, or to do something else to ease the pain.”

“No! You don’t have to hurt yourself.”

“I do!” Yasha suddenly raises her voice and pulls the feathers out at the same time. “Because if I don’t, it means I’m suffering over nothing tangible!”

She goes for her wings again, but Beau grabs her wrists. “Stop! Don’t hurt yourself, please.”

She looks Yasha in the eye. There is no anger on the aasimar’s face, just sadness and sorrow, but without the hint of a tear. She looks immensely tired.

She leans closer to Beau, “You need pain sometimes, and I do too.”

“Yasha, please. I’m begging you.”

Beau is on the verge of tears and it breaks Yasha’s heart. Is she doing it to the one she loves? Is she actually the reason Beau is about to cry? But why can’t she understand she needs to do it to stay sane?

She stares a little longer, and then she breaks free from Beau’s grip. She takes a step back and turns her back on her. Beau is afraid she might resume to self-harm or do something reckless. She is ready to stop her, but Yasha does none of these things.

She lowers her head and clenches her fists, and all her muscles tense. She lets out a feral, primal scream. When she’s done, she falls to her knees and groans as she grabs her head.

Beau is shocked, but she shakes herself out of her stupor and immediately comes to her side, “Yasha?”

The aasimar is trembling, “Go get Caleb.”

Beau is unsettled by her demand, “A-Are you sure?”

“Go get him!” She sounds almost aggressive. “Please.” Her voice is pleading now.

Beau looks at Yasha’s wings and sees they are slowly fading away. She could still hurt herself anyway, but she doesn’t have much of a choice. She is hesitant, but she ends up obeying. She stands up and hurries out of the bathroom.

Yasha feels like an eternity has passed when she finally hears footsteps. She’s been fighting against herself each second not to do something stupid like scratch her skin until she bleeds, or grab something sharp like her sword, even break the mirror or punch the floor.

When Beau and Caleb come in, she is curled up on the floor, whining like a wounded dog. She does feel wounded.

“Yasha!”

Beau falls to the ground. She grabs her and pulls her into her arms. “We’re here. Caleb’s here. What do you need?”

She cups her cheek with one hand, and it’s only then that Yasha realizes she’s been crying. Her face is soaked in tears. She looks at Beau as sees how distraught she is, but it doesn’t make her feel anything. She is deep into her own pain at the moment, having a panic attack, and she is impermeable to others’ emotions, even Beau’s.

Caleb kneels next to her, “Hey, Yasha.”

Beau just looks at him, wondering how he can be so calm and composed.

The mental pain makes Yasha dizzy, but as soon as she sees him, her thoughts are crystal clear. She wanted to talk to  _ him _ for a reason.

“I know I’ve already asked you that question, but...“ Her voice is shaky. “How do you deal with it?”

Caleb keeps a stern expression. “You  _ are _ dealing with it. Do you remember what I told you back then? It never goes away, but it’s easier,” he briefly looks at Beauregard, “with people around you, to make you feel more like you.”

“I told you. I don’t know how to handle forgiveness and acceptance.”

“You will get there someday. Just don't forget. You can leave something better in the world. Just like Molly did. There are still asses to kick. Fighting is what you do best,  _ ja _ ?”

Yasha silently nods.

“Well, we need you to help us take care of the Assembly. That’s a good start if you need something to hold on to in the short term, don’t you think?”

Yasha nods again. She’s no longer crying. She has stopped hyperventilating and her breath is gradually coming back to normal. She can feel her panic attack slowly coming to a close.

“You’ll get used to it eventually, just like I did. If I can live with it, so can you.”

She grabs Beau’s arm and the monk holds her closer in response.

“And look, you even followed your own advice. You didn’t wait until it was too late.” He shoots a quick look at Beau before coming back to her. “You’re not alone, Yasha. We’re here. Beauregard’s here.”

“But you said it yourself...” she finishes in a whisper, “We don’t deserve them.”

Beau feels her heart break, but she remains silent and puts her head over Yasha’s. A tear rolls down her face. Caleb looks at her.

“No, we don’t.” He puts a hand on Beau’s shoulder like he often does and offers her a sad smile. “But still, they never let us down.”

He keeps staring at Beau even if he’s speaking to Yasha.

“Maybe that’s what love truly is.”

He looks at Yasha this time, “I hope I’m right. It would mean that you and I, we are surrounded by love, even when we think we’re the least deserving of it.”

Yasha looks back and forth between the two Empire Kids before leaning deeper into Beau’s embrace and she tries not to cry, but she fails. She closes her eyes and tears immediately roll down. They feel like boiling water on her skin. She remains this way, as if shedding years full of tears and fears from the deepest recesses of her soul, until she finally passes out.

* * *

Beau and Caleb put Yasha back to bed in her own room. It’s not an easy task, even with Caleb’s Telekinesis to help, but they eventually lay her down. She must be truly exhausted, because she doesn’t wake up once. But as Beau is pulling the covers over Yasha, her eyes suddenly fling open. She doesn’t speak, but she seems completely disoriented.

Beau sits next to her on the bed and gently strokes her arm to soothe her. “It’s okay, you’re safe.”

Yasha frantically looks around her, like she can’t see Caleb and Beau, and all of a sudden, she cries. Beau wraps her arms around her and pulls her closer. “Sssh, it’s okay. You’re okay, Angel. I’m here.”

Caleb looks as Beau cradles Yasha. “I’ll wait for you outside,  _ ja _ ?”

Beau only nods and he leaves.

A few moments later, she walks out of the room, looking as if she had just spent hours crying herself. "She's finally asleep again."

She closes the door silently and leans on the wall next to him and sighs. She remains silent, unsure of what to say after what just occurred.

“What happened to her, before you brought me in?” He pauses briefly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“She asked me to get you, so I guess I can tell you.” She sighs again. “She’s been mutilating her wings lately. I don’t know for how long it’s been going exactly, but probably a while.”

“Mmh.”

Typical Caleb answer. But Beau doesn’t blame him. Is there really anything you can say when someone tells you one of your friends is self-harming? Is there anything to say when you’re in the same kind of pain as said friend?

She looks down at her feet. “I stumbled upon her a few days ago, that’s how I found out. She told me she had nightmares. This is probably what happened tonight. I found her in the bathroom, about to do it again, and I stopped her, but she had a panic attack and asked me to go find you, so I did. You know the rest.”

Her voice goes down as she finishes. She keeps looking at the floor. Silence remains for a bit, until Caleb speaks. “She’s going to be okay.”

Beau’s face instantly shoots up and she stares Caleb right in the eyes. Her voice is calm. “Are you? When you go to that mysterious floor you never show us, are  _ you _ okay?”

Caleb doesn’t even seem surprised or panicked. He probably knew he couldn’t hide it from his best friend, who happens to be an Expositor of the Cobalt Soul on top of that.

Beau nods with a knowing look, “That’s what I thought.” She looks up at the ceiling and a nervous shaky laughter escapes her. “It will never completely go away, right?”

_ “Fort, doch nicht vergessen.” _ She hears Caleb say in Zemnian, prompting her to repeat it in Common. The sensation is still weird, being able to comprehend any spoken language, but it’s something she’s gotten used to. “Gone, but never forgotten.”

_ Just like Molly… And just like Zuala... _

Caleb nods. “Precisely. And I have no answer for you, Beauregard. I am not Yasha. I’ve not lived her life.” He clears his throat, “Just don’t let her down. I don’t know if she could take it.”

Beau sniffles and looks at him, “She could. Don’t underestimate her, she doesn’t need me to stay alive. She can hold her own.”

“I know she can. But there’s only so much a person can endure before their heart gives out.”

Beau winces, the topic of one’s strength of heart hitting too close to home these days. “Thanks for reminding me. I’m not in the clear, either. But I’m not planning on leaving her any time soon anyway. I just don’t know what else I can do for her.” She sinks down the wall, feeling down. “I feel powerless right now.”

Caleb sits down next to her. “Just be here. Support her. There’s nothing else you can do.”

Beau looks at him. “So much for a pep talk, huh?”

“I just mean the work that needs to be done for her to feel better, only she can do.”

“I know what you mean, don’t worry.”

He puts a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. We could spend some time in Nicodranas. We don’t need to be here in Zadash to keep researching, right? I’m sure Veth will be happy to be with her family for a while, and Jester will be able to see her mother.” He slightly smiles and keeps going, “And you are supposed to be on vacation, so you should  _ actually _ take time to relax and enjoy yourself a little. Besides, your brother never saw the ocean. And you did say TJ and Luc could become best friends, did you not?”

Beau nods. “Yeah. I did say that, even if I was under a lot of duress.” She doesn’t want to remember that horrible day, or even just that horrible time in general in Kamordah and the mountains.

After a short pause, he adds again, “And maybe your mother can actually bond with Marion and not just discuss business this time. I’m sure they will be just as insufferable as Jester and you.”

“Yeah.” Beau whispers with a pensive look, clasping her own hand over his. “Maybe fresh marine air would be good for everybody.”

“We should talk about it with the others tomorrow. We can teleport within the day if everybody is okay with that plan.”

Beau nods, seemingly convinced by his suggestion. “Yeah, I think you’re right. We should go to Nicodranas.”

“Good.”

She gives him a smile, “Thank you, Caleb.”

“Always,” Caleb replies in kind as he stands up and reaches down to help Beau stand. “Would you like to go to your own room for the rest of the night? You know me, sleep is not my strong suit, so I can stay with Yasha and watch over her.”

“I see what you’re doing here, Widogast… Trying to steal my girl, huh?”

Caleb grins but doesn’t bother replying.

“I’ll stay with her, but thanks for the offer.” She hesitantly pauses. “Do you wanna stay with us? To have company for the rest of the night.”

“No, I’m fine. I will probably copy a spell or two, and you know how I am when I’m working. Always grumbling and muttering. I don’t want to keep you awake.”

Beau just nods in response. “Okay. Thank you, Caleb. Really.”

“ _ Bitte. _ ”

“Don’t be sorry. Just… don’t.”

Beau is about to go back inside Yasha’s room, but she stops and faces Caleb before giving him a hug and saying in his ear, “What you said earlier... it’s not true.”

He goes still in her arms.

“You are both deserving of love. And you will both realize it someday.”

Caleb remains still before returning the hug. “Good night, Beauregard.”

“Good night, Caleb.”

Caleb then breaks from the hug and levitates to the seventh floor as she goes back to Yasha.

* * *

Beau and Fjord run through the hallways of the Archive. They are racing and Beau is just mocking Fjord at this point, not going as fast as she can in order to pretend he can keep up with her. They come in view of a group of monks and the Expositor goes as far as stopping to let them pass while the half-orc goes right through them. She has no issue catching up with him nevertheless. Tired of pretending, she finally runs full-speed when they approach her quarters and she stops only once she is in the tower’s entrance hall.

She grins when Fjord joins her just seconds later. “Still think I’m not faster than you?”

He is panting. He bends down and puts his hands on his knees. “That time in Eiselcross didn’t count. There was snow.”

“Yeah, and you can swim faster than me underwater, and snow is just frozen water anyway, so you have no defense.”

Fjord opens his mouth to protest, finding no room for argument. He grumbles and follows Beau as she goes onto the platform and floats up. When they get to the fourth floor, their friends are gathering around the table for breakfast. They all greet them and Fjord puts a kiss on Jester’s temple, careful not to touch her anywhere else as he knows she hates when he is sweaty after training.

Beau quickly scans the room and sees Yasha is not here. Last night was rough for her, she is probably sleeping in. “So… what’s for breakfast?”

“Pancakes!” TJ shouts with enthusiasm.

“Not today,” Caleb replies. “The cats couldn’t get their paws on flour, so no pancakes.”

Jester throws him a dubious look. “It’s a magic tower and they’re magic cats. What do you mean they didn’t find flour?”

Caleb gives her a look in return. “Not sure. Perhaps… only a mother would know.” He then looks at Clara.

Jester looks towards Clara. “Really?!”

Clara just stares back. “You can’t have pancakes every morning. And I want my boy to be well-fed… if he ever wants to be as big and strong as his sister.”

Beau smiles a little and looks away to hide her blush. “You didn’t have to go that far, Mom.”

“But I eat sweets and pancakes every day, and I’m big and strong!” Jester tries to argue.

“Oh? Was Marion that lax in your dietary needs?”

Now it’s Jester’s turn to falter, and much like Fjord she can’t find any room for argument.

_ They really are meant for each other, aren’t they? _

“To- To be fair,” Caduceus interferes, “Beau and Jester have both been eating pancakes every day for some time now, and Jester is actually stronger than Beau, so I don’t- I don’t know where the lie is.”

“The lie is that I work out every day, and she got tough by using her minotaur buddy as her personal gym!” Beau retorts. “Also, did you forget, Jester? We’re constantly on the move, in danger, so that’s just as much of a workout as anything.”

Nevertheless, Jester recovers. “T-T-That’s besides the point! Yasha eats all kinds of weird things and she’s strong. Even Beau’s starting to eat the same things!”

Clara’s face is aghast with a mix of horror and disgust.  **_“What?!”_ **

Beau shoots a glare at Jester. “Hey! Don’t drag me into your squabble! Or Yasha, for that matter! She’s not even here!”

Veth has been unusually quiet so far, but she eventually steps into the conversation. “Luc doesn’t have pancakes every day, only for special occasions. As Clara says, a well balanced diet is important for children.”

Beau stares at the halfling, “If I may, you offer your son weapons on a regular basis, so I’m not sure you’re the best person to give parenting advice.”

“Yeah! Beau’s right! And also…  **_someone’s_ ** asking for a lollipop to the skull, Veth Brenatto, you traitor!” Jester yells.

The bickering between the detectives continues on, much to everyone’s amusement. Beau just smiles and enjoys her omelet and toast. It’s so nice and peaceful, the nine of them being an even bigger family than…

Beau stops eating for a moment. Something feels… off. She mutters what she had said previously,  _ “She’s not even here.” _

_ Wait… she’s… not… even… here…? _

Beau speaks up. “Guys… shouldn’t Yasha be downstairs by now? Cad, have you seen her?”

The firbolg puts his cup of tea down. “Not this morning.”

Fjord looks toward Beau. “You saw her just before we left for training, right? You guys are certain that you didn’t see her?”

Veth shakes her head. “We’re not early risers like you two, so no, we didn’t.”

Beau’s heart begins to beat rapidly. She’s not sure why, because she’s sure that Yasha’s still sleeping. She  _ saw _ her. So she’s certainly okay.

And yet...

“I’ll go check on her quickly. Caleb, fill them in and tell them what we discussed last night.”

She stands up and goes to the center of the tower. She’s not sure if she had noticed earlier, but there is a small feeling of dread that is only now noticeable.

Dread she hasn’t felt since...

_ Oh. Oh, no. Oh, gods, no… Not now. Please, gods,  _ **_not now_ ** _. _

The thought continues to repeat in her head as Beau wills herself to levitate quicker to the fifth floor and almost tears the door to the room off its hinges. If she had the strength of her aasimar lover, she easily could have done so, magic or no. She runs inside, the main chamber empty, the room with the mural empty… and then the third and final chamber…

“You said you’d stay,” Beau mutters to no one.

To  _ no one _ .

She’s the only one in the room, the bed showing no signs of disturbance other than tousled sheets… and a very visible absence of a certain someone. Not even her equipment can be found. Not a single piece.

Yasha is gone. She’s gone, and no one noticed. Just like before.

The silence is heavy, with the exception of the insects in the terrarium and the drip-drip of the tub inside the bathroom, the door left ajar and visible wet footprints vanishing once they reach the carpeting.

It makes Beau want to scream from the depths of her soul. She runs out of the room and, not even bothering to think about it, drops down without levitating all the way to the fourth floor, right onto the dining room table shocking everyone still eating but she is beyond caring.

**“Jester! Sending! NOW!”**

Jester barely has time to process before asking, “W-What? What is it?! Where’s Yasha?”

**“DO IT!”** Beau snarls at her, with a feral quality she never thought she’d have. “She’s gone! She was there this morning when I left, and now she’s gone! She left us!  **Again** !”

Jester shakily nods and proceeds to cast Sending, but her thoughts are clearly faltering already. Beau jumps off the table and is pacing back-and-forth endlessly. Caleb and Caduceus are in shock, Fjord and Veth even more so, and Clara and TJ are holding each other close as they haven’t seen Beau like this before.

“I… I knew it… You… You promised... Why…?”

If anyone had heard her mutter so weakly, no one speaks up, even as they see her crumple onto the floor and hold herself tightly, hot tears pouring out of her eyes as she goes into a full-on breakdown, not even hearing if Jester gets a response... if at all. The only thing she hears, in fact…

...is an all too familiar laughter. A laughter chilling enough to rattle bone. A laughter that threatens to consume her heart and soul. A laughter that-

“Beau! She’s fine!”

Beau’s eyes snap open. But she doesn’t answer Jester. She’s… so far gone. Like Yasha.

“You promised, Yasha. You promised. You promised. You… promised...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yasha's not fine, folks. And neither is Beau. It's starting to get bad again.


	17. Let Me Hold You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something shining/In your eyes, is telling me we can't go on  
> 'Cause we've had all night/And we still can't find the line between what's right and wrong  
> We've been there before/Reaching the end but forgetting the reason we started this for  
> In all of our flaws/Laid out beneath us, there's no need to keep building up these walls  
> Put your head on my shoulders/The warmth of my touch/The cool of the water  
> Put your head on my shoulders/The warmth of my touch/The cool of the water  
> Just let me hold you/I'll run my fingers through your hair  
> Let our ghost loose/Let me know that you're still there  
> It's like I told you/The water's warmer underneath/I know you find it hard to breath  
> So let me hold you, you/Just let me hold you/And let me hold you, you/Just let me hold you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yasha realizes a mistake she made, resulting in the sentinels finding a quiet moment to themselves, alone and away from the group. Never have they felt so vulnerable, yet so... safe.
> 
> Also, vacation finally begins for real.

The skies above Zadash look rather dreary in the early morning. The perfect weather for some communion, and perhaps some reflection.

After seeing Fjord and Beau leave the tower for the Valley Archive's training pits, Yasha steps outside the library entirely. What happened just last night deeply rattled her, and she knows that Beau really wanted to comfort her the best she could, but this feeling of guilt and inability to forgive herself, even now after all this time… This is something she needs to bear alone. At least for a while.

Yasha takes in the sound of thunder and the sensation of coming rain, yet she is not smiling. Instead, she decides to give herself space. So she boldly heads for the city gates, the Crownsguard noticing and recognizing her as a member of the Mighty Nein, a hero of the Empire, and let her pass without asking questions. Better that they didn’t.

Upon making it into a wooded clearing a few miles outside of Zadash, Yasha stops and sits in a meditative position similar to how she’d seen Beau do it. An unusual method, but Yasha isn’t picky. She’ll try anything once, and it’s not like anyone else is nearby to interrupt.

Yasha closes her eyes as she slows her breathing and prays and calls upon the Stormlord. The weather is already cloudy from the night before, and as she prays the storm rumbles and the clouds soon after break and the rain begins to fall. The tears she had shed the night before burnt her skin, but the raindrops falling on her face right now are a relief. She feels like they are cleansing her. She loves this weather. A memory comes back to her mind. Molly hated the rain. He said it ruined his perfectly good hair. It’s a good memory, albeit bittersweet, that brings a thin smile to her face.

She takes a deep breath and whispers. "I need you. You saved me before and I think… I think I need saving again. Help me. Tell me what to do."

Yasha’s ears are attentive as they listen for any sort of sign, be it a thunder clap or even a tree or bush struck by lightning. So far, there is nothing. She tries again. “Please. I’m lost. You said you would not let me stray. But… I need you now. I need direction. I need purpose. I… I need penance for my actions.”

The rumbling in the sky seems to intensify and at first Yasha thinks it is a normal rumbling. And yet, amidst the rumbling, she swears that she can hear words. Not unlike the dream she had the night she got her wings back.

**"I'm here to guide you. Not order you. Your path is your own to walk. Do not run from yourself."**

Yasha frowns. This is not the wisdom she’s been seeking. She’s still wanting a purpose, and wants to be told where to go. It’s all she’s known.

“Why? Why won’t you give me direction? Even being with them, I still don’t have a purpose other than to stay with them. I don’t know what I want for myself… or need. It just… It hurts not having a purpose. And I… I don’t deserve these wings. Not after all I’ve done. I… I...”

Yasha opens her eyes and looks up directly at the storm clouds, the rainwater splashing on her face. _“Just tell me what to do! I’m too much of a coward to think for myself!”_

No response. And the lack of a response wounds her deeper than any blade or tooth.

Or perhaps… what truly wounds her is what she just admitted. All her life, she was given direction. Whether by the Skyspear, by Obann, by the Stormlord, or even by the Mighty Nein themselves, she always yearned to be told what to do or where to go. Never in her life had she wanted to choose for herself. Because it was frightening, this feeling of freedom she has now. So she felt it easier to just stay with the Nein, not bothering to question why. After all, they’re her family now. The Dolorav are dead to her.

“Caduceus once said you were watching… paying attention… Clearly, you are. But... why? What is your intent for me? Do you have a plan for me?” Still no answer. There is a roll of thunder, but she can’t make out any word. “If I am to follow my own path, at least help me. Push me in the right direction. You say you’re here to guide me, so do it.”

The thunder suddenly gets much louder, as if angry. The rain starts falling with more intensity and the wind picks up. Yasha looks down, but doesn’t protect her face from the gusts. She’s trying to understand, but nothing makes sense at the moment.

She has a family now. But what do people do for each other, when they’re part of the same family? How could she possibly know? She never had a real one before. Or maybe she has, but it was taken from her. First Zuala. Then Molly. They were her family, but they were taken away.

The wind and the rain whip her face and this time, she has to cover it with her arm. It brings her back to this night, on the deck of the _Ball-Eater_ , when the Stormlord had sent a creature made of lightning to fight her and ultimately teach her a lesson. What did he say that night?

**_“Show me what is important. What is worth protecting.”_ **

As the words resonate in her mind, she is certain they are echoing in the thunder. Jester protected her that night, or at least tried. She saw this creature attacking her, and instead of running away, she helped her despite the danger.

Yasha frowns as realization gradually washes over her.

When Jester was drowning, Fjord gave her his own air, not caring that he might drown in her place. When Nott fell into the lava, Beau didn’t run away, she risked her life to pull her out. When Caleb got charmed and almost burnt them alive, they didn’t give up on him, they fought to bring him back, and then they did the same for her when she got charmed in turn. When Fjord got grappled by the Laughing Hand and almost fell under her sword, Beau came back and carried him out.

When Yasha fought the Mighty Nein in the cathedral, they didn’t give up on her, and even after all the terrible things she had done - although she was controlled - Caduceus freed her from Obann. When Obann in his altered form struck Beau down, Yasha herself ran into the fray and carried her to safety. When Caduceus swam straight to Vokodo’s lair, Fjord held on to him and when he faltered, Beau and Caleb brought him back.

And when Beau had found herself swallowed by that unnatural monstrosity at A2 in Eiselcross, and Veth tried to reach for her, Yasha used her full strength to pull the halfling and human out of its caustic gullet.

 _"You all are the only family that I have. I want to go wherever you guys go."_ Yasha herself said those words.

Maybe that is what families do. They protect each other. Maybe this is the path she should follow, at least for now. It's a path that… that she _wanted_ . She wanted this path. She _wanted_ this family to stay whole. She _wanted_ to protect them. Not just out of some feeling of loyalty, but out of love.

Maybe… this is the first time in forever that what she wants is already in front of her, so to speak.

There is a rumble of thunder, but it is low and steady now, as if the Stormlord is suddenly calmer than before. Lightning illuminates the sky and she sees a humanoid silhouette. It looks like an angel. It looks like her. A second flash of light shows the silhouette with a sword in its hand this time, facing an invisible threat and shielding a body laying at its feet, a very familiar body.

Another low rumble of thunder resonates and in this one, words form.

**“Failure is part of all things. Without failure, there is no growth. But failing once doesn’t mean you will always fail.”**

Yasha closes her eyes. The rain has subsided a bit and is not falling as intensely as before. It’s back to a light drizzle that drips down her face. Thunder rolls again.

**“Find your own path.”**

She whispers, “I’m getting there. I think I’m on the right track.”

An apparently satisfied roll of thunder answers her as she finds herself fainting from exhaustion.

Upon opening her eyes once more, she stands up, having lost track of the time. The sun is shining despite the storm.

A familiar voice suddenly screams inside her head, leaving her wincing.

“ **YASHA!** Where are you?! Are you okay?! Beau is freaking out! We’re all freaking out! What happened?! Where are you?! Please tell me you’re okay!”

She knew it would happen. She tries to relax after the jump Jester just gave her. “I’m okay. I need some time for myself. I’ll be back tonight. Don’t come after me, please.” She pauses and briefly thinks. “Tell Beau I’m fine.”

Another message quickly comes to her as she is walking. “Okay, we’ll wait for you. Be careful, please. Just come back, okay? Beau… She heard ‘it’ again. So please… don’t be gone long.”

Yasha immediately comes to a stop. “Is she okay? I’m not far, I can come back.”

She anxiously waits until another message arrives. “She’s… she’s awake, but… she’s not talking to us. She’s not silent again because we can hear her breathing. She keeps saying ‘You promised’ constantly.”

The effect is immediate and heartbreaking as Yasha hears those words. She left them… without telling them. Again. She had sworn she was done leaving them.

“I’m on my way, I’ll be there shortly. Take care of her until I’m back.”

Without a second thought, she unfolds her wings and for the first time since her maiden flight, she takes off in the middle of the storm, flying full speed back to Zadash. A few miles within a minute? Unlikely, but at least she’d cover a lot of ground before running out of time.

As she flies, that feeling of being lost still resonates within her. She isn’t sure if she got the answer she needs. She still feels directionless, still unworthy of forgiveness even now. But how much of it was her own heart, and how much was just lingering doubt from her past sins? Was she simply telling herself that she’s unworthy, and thus it’s scary to think otherwise?

She still has no answer. But she does know one thing. Someone is suffering, and it’s her fault. She has to make amends for that. She has to atone, once again.

Picking a day of rough and stormy weather when she is flying only for the second time was probably not what Jester had in mind when she asked her to be careful, but she couldn’t care less. A strong gust of wind pushes her to the side, but she manages to avoid a tree and balance herself. Flying in these conditions is way harder than what she recalls from her maiden flight, but with the rain and the distant thunder, the sensation is even better.

She has just reached Zadash when the wings finally give out. She didn't even think she would make it that far, but maybe the wind helped. She is falling, yet the fear from before gives way to a kind of euphoria she hasn’t felt in a while. A feeling of adrenaline coursing through her hallowed veins, eyes closed as she is left free-falling down toward the city. Not even bothering to be graceful, she impacts _hard_ onto the cobblestone street just outside the archive. The feeling of pain is immense after such a harsh fall, but her physicality helps her to take it, and considering the circumstances, she could live with it.

There is someone else that needs her attention, after all.

* * *

The Nein are still gathered around Beau in the dining room. They managed to sit her onto a chair, but she hasn't moved much since. Clara left, taking TJ with her and going to their room. Seeing his sister having a breakdown scared him and he was starting to panic.

No one is speaking. Caduceus prepared tea for Beau, but she didn't drink it, didn't even touch it at all. Knowing Yasha was alright and coming back helped her to calm down a bit, but now she is just sitting, not moving, not speaking. She has one of her legs folded against her, her foot resting on the chair, arms folded into herself and hugging herself tightly. Very tightly.

They suddenly hear ruckus coming from the bottom of the tower, followed by a familiar voice.

**_"Beau! Guys!"_ **

Yasha's tone is tainted with worry. They hear quick and heavy footsteps coming up to the platform, even from this distance, and soon the aasimar shows up on the fourth floor, soaked from the storm and sporting a bit of a limp.

"I'm here! I'm here!" She is panting and her pale skin is now red, both because of the run and the rain that whipped her face.

Jester opens wide eyes. "Oh my gods! Yasha, what happened to you?!"

Fjord is as shocked as her, "You're a mess!"

Her whole body is sore from her very recent fall and there are probably a few scrapes on her face, but she doesn't care. She walks straight to Beau, ignoring Jester and Caduceus when they offer to heal her, and kneels down next to her.

"I'm here, Beau."

Jester can't help but think that in this position, with Beau sitting on her chair and Yasha kneeling on the ground, they look like a princess and a knight from one of her children's storybooks that would have come to life.

Beau slowly turns her head and looks Yasha in the eye. An unintelligible whisper forms, and she immediately knows no one else can hear it, as this is only in her head… or rather, in her heart. No word forms, just this chilling whisper, soon followed by a sensation, and a need. A need to lash out at Yasha.

She closes her eyes and turns her face away from Yasha. This thought is not her own. Or is it? She doesn't know anymore. She's not sure what comes from herself and what comes from the Heartsbane anymore.

Maybe both.

"Beau? I… I'm sorry…"

That soft, gentle voice -- that voice that soothed her for numerous weeks on end -- manages to cut through the whisper. That voice full of love… but also full of something else now.

Guilt.

Beau can't explain why, but this realization is the thing that breaks her as she feels tears filling her eyes. She shrinks on herself and covers her face, ashamed to appear so weak in front of all of the Nein. She is exhausted. She's had enough of these fucking tears, she wants them gone, she wants to stop crying. Yasha immediately rises and takes her in her arms. And her feeble resistance crumbles instantly as she is left a sobbing mess.

"I'm sorry, Beau."

"Don't you dare leave again without saying anything! You--" A sob stops her mid-sentence and she has to breathe a little. Her voice turns into a whisper only audible to Yasha. "You fucking promised.”

"I didn't--" Yasha stops on her own. "You… You thought I was gone for good?"

Beau doesn't answer, only nods.

Yasha is left stuttering. "I… I didn't realize you might think I wouldn't come back. I told you guys I wanted to be wherever you were."

The next voice to speak up, to Yasha’s surprise, is not Beau’s.

“I’m not surprised that she fell apart so quickly, honestly… given her current circumstances.”

Yasha pauses her own meandering thoughts as Caleb speaks… but upon processing them, her blood runs cold. Of course, how could she fucking forget?!

_The Heartsbane._

She stares at Caleb, who stares back. "I'm not going to lie, I'm a little worried. It’s clear that ‘it’ is going to be an ongoing concern."

Fjord tries and fails to hide his worry, "Is there anything you can do to help her, Caleb? I don't know… seal it, keep it at bay. Anything?"

"I'm afraid it's beyond my abilities. Maybe Essek could. But the most direct solution would be to get rid of this thing, completely."

"But we don't know how!" Jester exclaims anxiously.

"No, but we will keep searching."

Beau hadn't responded to Yasha’s embrace before, but she circles her neck and holds her tight. Jester ponders for a moment, before asking Caleb, “Hey Cayleb, didn’t you say Essek had a book we could use? Should we head back to Rosohna to--”

“No!”

The sudden outburst was unexpected, but it didn’t come from Beau surprisingly. Rather, it came from the woman embracing her.

“We can’t just go there… not when we have Clara and TJ with us. They don’t have the ‘protection’ that we have with the symbols.”

Caleb nods, "Yasha is right. Besides, we've been through that book. It gave us a few pieces of the puzzle, but the remaining ones are somewhere else. Maybe in one of the archives."

Veth's voice shows genuine concern when she speaks, "But… they didn't find anything yet, right? I mean, they didn't find anything when Beau asked about the Eyes of Nine and the Nonagon, and the Somnovum and the Cognoza worked better, but…" she turns to Beau, "You told Dairon the name of this thing and what you knew about it. Why haven't they found anything?"

Beau sniffles and breaks from Yasha's embrace, but gladly keeps one of her hands on her leg. "They found stuff, but nothing about how to expel it. They're still searching. But that's not the point. The point is, and Caleb said it before to me, no one fucking leaves.” She turns to Caleb and Veth. “And you guys along with Essek? You lacked context. You were looking at this purely from a mage’s perspective. This is no ordinary curse. That’s why we kept failing.”

“So what do we do about it?” Jester asks.

“Well, maybe we can consult Essek’s book again. But not now. My heart’s not in it, morbid as it may sound,” Beau admits. She then looks to Caleb again. “Besides… I should be on vacation, right?”

Caleb nods. “Maybe we should bring Clara and TJ back out here. They’ll want to know when we’re leaving. If it’s tonight, let it be tonight.”

Yasha looks at them in confusion. "Whe-Where are we going?"

“Home!” Jester says with a beaming smile. In fact, she’s already running to her room to collect her things that will spill out of the tower anyway. As everyone else does the same, Yasha’s about to go herself, but…

“If you need alone time, Yasha, just… please let me know next time. That scared me, but I’m glad you didn’t, like, _leave us_ , you know?"

Beau's grip on Yasha's wrist is iron. Yasha doesn't bother resisting. "Caleb created this tower for us for a reason: to have a safe place to stay, so that no one would be taken from us again like it happened with Lorenzo, and you… you just fucking went on your own without telling anyone. So please… don’t go off on your own again without telling us.”

Yasha pulls Beau into another embrace. "I won't. I'm sorry. Old habits, you know. I didn't realize things would escalate so quickly and I… I guess I didn't understand the impact this thing had on you, the… influence."

Beau simply nods before replying. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re still here. Though… maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do need loneliness sometimes. It’s just like Caleb said.”

“What did he say?”

“The work that needs to be done for you to feel better, only you can do. I just need to offer support whenever it’s asked, but in the end it’s still up to you.”

“I think so. I probably won’t be gone for long periods of time like I used to do, but… I think I like being alone from time to time, like... really alone.”

And as they break their embrace, Beau asks her, “Did you find an answer? A reason when you went off on your own today?”

Yasha thinks for a moment. "I don't think so. But let's say I have a vague direction to follow now. I guess I'll figure out things as time passes."

At that, Beau finally smiles. “That’s life, Yasha. That’s life. Maybe now we’re finally, truly living it.”

“Maybe.”

"Hey… If you're okay with it, maybe I can pack your stuff? This way, you can enjoy the storm a bit more, have extra alone time, and you can join us here in the evening to go to Nicodranas."

"You don't want me to stay?"

"I do, but I don't want to keep you from your soul-searching.”

Yasha chuckles. “Beau… I don’t think I need any more ‘soul-searching’.”

“Huh?”

She pulls her in closer. “I already found it.”

Beau’s thoughts slowly untangle before realizing the implication of Yasha’s assertion. “It’s a good thing your humor is as dry as your pickup lines, because now you got me all wet.” She pauses. Her eyes go wide. “Wait, no, not what I--”

Whatever backpedaling she had planned to say, Yasha quiets with a kiss. “I’ll be back home. Okay?”

“Okay,” Beau simply says. “I’ll wait.”

"If you want to join me later, you can. There's a thicket outside the city, when you walk four or five miles east. I'll be there, in the clearing or near."

Beau nods, "I'll meet you there when the storm has passed."

Yasha smiles and kisses her. "I love you."

"I love you too. Be careful."

Yasha leaves the tower again and gets back to her soul-searching, or whatever the hell people want to call it. But Beau doesn’t worry this time. She waits.

* * *

Beau is making her way over to the thicket where Yasha told her she would be. The Nein, as well as Clara, weren’t very enthusiastic at the idea of the both of them being alone in the countryside. They aren’t that far from the city, so creatures and bandits will probably not be a problem, and they could handle themselves if they were to be attacked. The Cerberus Assembly, however… much more of a threat at the moment.

But Beau, being true to herself, told them she was lying low and Dairon and she had taken all the necessary precautions to make sure the Assembly would believe she was no longer a problem for them. Her friends kept arguing that this was a bad idea, but she left nevertheless.

She followed Yasha’s instructions thoroughly and now she is coming in view of the small copse. Rain completely stopped in the afternoon and as the day is growing dark, the storm is dying down and clouds are going away. A few patches of sky are getting visible and the night will probably be clear.

As she approaches and starts walking into the actual thicket, Beau sees a warm light emanating from what looks to be the clearing Yasha told her about. She keeps moving forward and soon, between the trees, she can see a silhouette sitting on the ground, next to a small campfire, gently strumming a harp. She grins as she gets closer: she didn’t realize it right away because of the backlight, but Yasha is without her shawl.

In fact, at a glance, she notices off to the side that all of her outer equipment is left in a pile. It’s just her in the outfit Beau purchased for her, and her harp. Beau can’t help but admire how… vulnerable she’s making herself in this clearing, weapons and protection stripped away, until it’s just… her.

As she enters the clearing proper, Yasha plays a few more notes before she stops and turns her head to her. A smile forms on her face. One of these smiles that are so small but so sincere and full of warmth and tenderness. Beau’s heart skips a beat every time Yasha looks at her with one of those.

“You waited,” Beau says breathlessly.

“You came,” Yasha replies in a similar manner. She motions to a spot right next to her and the fire. “Please.”

Beau gives it some thought and, with just the tiniest trepidation, does what Yasha did as she removes her circlet first, fully freeing up her hair. She then slowly unfastens the bracers, unwraps her arms and removes the gloves, puts aside the dagger and the Belabor, and places them all in a pile next to Yasha’s gear. In addition, she even removes the jerkin so it’s just her in her tunic and trousers before joining Yasha.

“Not going to lie, feel _very_ exposed right now,” Beau admits, not even bothering to hide the quiver in her voice, “but you’re here, so it makes me feel a little more safe.”

Yasha lays one hand on the ground and slowly slips toward Beau. She turns her palm upward and waits for Beau to offer her hand, and then intertwines their fingers. “I think it’s liberating, in some way.”

Beau pats Yasha’s shoulder, noting the clothes. “Also, not as restrictive as those straps now, right? Feel more at ease with those gone?”

Yasha nods with a giggle. “Yeah. I actually feel more… nimble? Flexible? Is that right?”

“You should have gotten rid of those long ago.”

“Better late than never.”

Beau squeezes Yasha’s hand and then slightly brushes a scratch on her arms from the tip of her fingers. “You should have let Jester take care of it.” She looks up into Yasha’s eyes. “How did you even do that?” She reaches out and touches another scratch on her face.

“It’s nothing. There was a time where I didn’t have any cleric among my friends and I got far worse injuries than those.”

Beau stares at her. Fjord was right, she is a mess right now. Her hair is still soaked and tangled from the storm, her face is cut and bruised in some places from gods know what, she has a bit of dirt on her, a lot actually. And still, she looks at peace.

“Times like these, I wish I could heal with a touch...” Beau mutters, loud enough for Yasha to hear.

“You can. Believe me, you can,” Yasha says as she puts her hand over Beau’s and presses it against her face.

Beau frowns and lowers her gaze. “I can’t mend wounds, though. Not like you. Or Jester. Or Fjord. Or Caduceus. Maybe emotional wounds… but...”

“You can do a lot of other things _we_ can’t do.”

“I know. Still...” Beau meets Yasha’s gaze again, though there’s a hint of sadness to them. “There are just as many things _you_ can do that I can’t. It’s gotten easier to deal with over time. Doesn’t mean I can’t still feel more than a little… envious.”

Her grip tightens slightly around Yasha’s. “I’m envious of your strength of heart, I’m envious of your willingness to embrace your vulnerability, and I’m envious of you having not been alone for much of your life. But I still love that what you saw in me are my strongest traits. And I’m grateful.”

Yasha seems to think for a moment, until she reaches toward her stuff and rummages through it. After a short moment, she faces Beau again and gives her a small sack.

“What is this?”

“Open it.”

Beau is a bit hesitant.

“I promise it’s not a prank. I’m not Veth.”

Beau grins and opens the bag. Inside are fresh insects, still alive and crawling.

“I hope it can lift your spirits a bit.”

The monk takes one bug from the bag and bites into it without a second thought. “I’d never tried Zadash bugs, but they’re pretty good.”

“Gimme one.”

Yasha reaches out and Beau passes her the sack. She picks one and closes her eyes in satisfaction as she chews. “So tasty.”

Beau smiles and looks at the fire, “Have you ever tried to grill them? Do you think it would add to the taste? I think they’re very good when they’re raw.”

“Only one way to know.”

Beau stands up and goes searching for branches to use as pikes and shortly comes back with two. “Here,” she says as she hands one to Yasha. They both pick insects in the sack and put them on their sticks before putting them above fire.

“They’re gonna be carbonized,” Beau comments with a giggle.

“Don’t put them too close, it will be okay.”

“We’re probably on the verge of a culinary discovery.”

“Sure are.” They share a laugh and then focus on the cooking insects. A moment passes, with only the sound of crickets chirping and the blowing of the wind in the branches.

Beau is hesitant when she asks, “So… How was your day? If it’s okay that I ask. I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, you might want to keep it to yourself.”

Yasha keeps her eyes on the fire and the insects, but she gently puts her hand over Beau’s to make her ramble stop. “It was nice. The fact that I got all of you worried, you of all people, tainted it a bit, but it was rather nice in the end.”

“Wha-What did you do?” She is about to insist again that Yasha has no obligation to share that with her, but she stops herself. She already made clear that she was okay to talk about it.

“I picked flowers and meditated, mainly. I also explored the surroundings a little. I met a badger and had a lovely conversation with her.”

“You… A ba- A badger… You had a conversation with…”

Yasha turns to her. Her face is stern, but Beau can clearly see amusement in her eyes. “Oh… Oh! That was a joke.”

Yasha chuckles and shakes her head, “I did see a badger, but as you know, Caduceus wasn’t here, so I didn’t speak with it, sadly. But I did have a conversation.”

She takes the insects off and quickly checks to see if they’re grilled enough before putting them back above the fire. She knows Beau is about to question her, so she goes ahead and explains. “I communed with the Stormlord.”

“Oh.” Beau can’t come up with a better response, as it feels so obvious. It was storming, therefore the Stormlord. Simple as that.

... Except it isn’t. But she isn’t going to push Yasha unless she says it freely.

The aasimar takes her stick out of the fire once more and this time, the insects seem to be well-cooked. She picks one and eats it. It’s even crunchier than usual and burns the roof of her mouth a bit, but it adds to the texture contrast. “It’sh hot, but it’sh really good,” she says with her mouth full.

Beau follows suit and takes a bite of literal grub, and she finds that Yasha’s assessment is correct. “A bit dry, but yeah. It’s not that bad.” She smirks as she swallows. “Huh. Never in my life did I think I’d be eating _bugs_. Then again, survivors like us? We tend to eat anything. Even moldy pocket bacon is a feast by comparison.”

Yasha smiles and nods in agreement. She has a couple more bugs on her stick before starting the process over, and then her gaze gets lost in the flames. She seems far off, but Beau can tell she is not trapped in an emotional loop, probably just deep into her thoughts. However, she starts to worry when she sees her go through her stuff again and pull out her book. She suddenly fears she’s going to rearrange the flowers one by one like she does when she is hyper-fixating.

Yasha doesn’t even notice that her stick fell into the fire, the rest of her bugs burning inside. Beau quickly eats the rest of hers, and then clears her throat. “Um...”

Yasha looks at her with intensity. She seems completely lucid. She focuses back on her book, goes through a few pages and stops at an empty one. She stares for a moment and Beau wonders if this is the one where the four-leaved clover was.

“This a bad time? Should I... go...?” Beau’s words trail off, noticing the page Yasha stopped at.

“No. No, I’m okay. I…” she stops, closes the book and hands it to Beau without another word.

Beau takes the book with a slightly furrowed brow, examining the cover. “An etiquette book, huh? Makes sense, you’re often very soft-spoken.”

Yasha grins, “It was from Molly. He offered it to me one day, and I was starting to get offended, but then I remembered he couldn’t read. He just came to a random bookstore in one of the towns where the circus stopped, and asked the shopkeeper to pick a book for a woman that was ‘really sweet and gentle, but didn’t know how to socialize’ and that’s what he came back with, having absolutely no idea what the book was about.”

Beau can’t help but chuckle and Yasha joins her. She shakes her head a bit and a thin smile remains on her face. “That’s what he did, you know. He wanted to make people happy, even if he had no idea what he was doing sometimes, and how things would end up.”

“You know,” Beau speaks up, “I’m finding it interesting that in a book like this, you’re putting flowers in. Making it a scrapbook or something? I guess I never really asked why. I just figured it was a hobby of yours since there aren’t any in Xhorhas, especially since you were so ecstatic about grass here in the Empire. I didn’t really put two and two together until that night in the Barbed Fields.”

A nostalgic expression forms on Yasha’s face. She remains silent at first, but then she looks Beau in the eye. “I noticed you were looking for flowers when we were in Eiselcross. At least, I think that’s what you were doing. But… not the best place for flowers, I guess.”

Beau suddenly feels awkward and tries to hide her embarrassment. “I… I just thought you could like it.”

Yasha smiles. She’s always found it was very endearing when Beau was flustered. “It’s true, I never explained why I picked flowers. I think… I think only Jester and Caduceus know.”

She reaches out and Beau gives it back. She opens it on the first page and with a lot of precautions, she takes the dried flower that is here. “This is the first one I picked, right after Molly gave me the book. I didn’t find it particularly beautiful. I mean, I think all flowers are. At least that’s what Zuala said.”

She pauses and puts the flower down. “There wasn’t a lot of greenery where we lived, but from time to time, we would find a little patch of vegetation during hunting trips. But never real blossoming flowers. Until one day, we did find one. Or at least what we thought was a flower. We didn't even know what it was, just that it was beautiful. There was a woman in our hunting party that day, who had joined the tribe recently. She said it was called a Round-leaved Sundew and it was very special, because it was able to eat insects.” She slightly smiles. "You should have seen it. It was so incredible that such a tiny and pretty little plant was able to grow in this harsh environment."

She turns the pages and points at notes in the margins. "I write down the date, the place, and the name when I know what it is."

"How did you learn their names?"

"This woman taught me. We didn't know where she was from, she never told us. But she knew a lot about plants apparently, and she was really good at drawing."

She closes her book and sets it down on the ground. She looks at it as if it was a holy relic. Beau thinks this is probably what it is to her. A book from her best friend with things inside that she is apparently collecting for her wife, of course it would be that important to her. But as she thinks Yasha is done with her explanation, she clears her throat.

“I…” Her voice is shaky. She is not looking at Beau as her gaze is still focused on the book, but Beau can see the flames are suddenly reflecting with more intensity in her now shiny eyes.

“I want to have something to bring her. When I go back. I…” She is fighting the tears at this point. “I want to show her all the beauties of the world, all the things I saw.” She pauses and this time, she looks at Beau. “I want her to experience what I experienced during my travels, you know. She...” her voice cracks and she has to take a deep breath before she can keep going. “She should have seen all of it, so… I want to bring her something, since she can’t… travel.”

She looks away and clenches her jaw. “I must sound crazy.” She brings her legs against her torso and wraps her arms around them.

Beau gently puts a hand on her arm and squeezes it, “You sound like someone who loves her wife very much.”

Yasha turns her head to the side to look at Beau and whispers, “I miss her.” A single tear rolls down her cheek, but there is not a sob to be heard. She sniffles. “I’m sorry to tell you that, I shouldn’t--”

“It’s okay. I know you love her, Yash.”

She sniffles again and rubs her eyes. “Molly… Molly said he would come with me, the day I’d feel ready to go find her. I was wondering…” She seems hesitant.

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering… if you’d come with me?”

Beau moves her hand to put her whole arm around Yasha’s waist. “I’d love to. But only whenever you’re ready.”

Yasha leans into her embrace and whispers, “Thank you. I… I don’t know if I want the others to come or not. I think she’d be happy to meet them, but… I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to bring anyone that you don’t want to be here, and you don’t have to decide right now. You’ll figure it out.”

Yasha nods and then takes her book from the ground and holds it against her chest.

A moment passes, and she speaks again when she feels her voice will be more steady. “When we were on Rumblecusp, I saw her.”

“You did?”

“You remember I said I had a dream where I had my wings, and then, they were actually real?”

Beau nods in place of an answer.

“Zuala was there. She talked to me.”

“What did she say?”

“‘Don’t let me be a shackle’.”

Beau is a bit surprised. “That’s all? So… why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

Yasha looks her right in the eye. She opens her mouth and then keeps it ajar, not saying anything. Tears are back into her eyes. “I haven’t seen her since that day and… I didn’t know how I felt about the fact that _you_ saw her. You were speaking about envy, well… I think that’s something I feel too sometimes.”

“I’m still not even sure who that was,” Beau admits. “Maybe it was her… maybe it was some ‘divine intervention’... maybe it was just my own willpower manifesting into what I envisioned her to be. I can’t tell.”

She takes Beau’s hand and rubs the back of it with her thumb. “It’s okay, Beau. I’ve made peace with it. I’m glad she was there when you needed help.”

“You… You really think it was her?” Beau asks, unable to hide her skepticism.

“I know it was her. I knew right from the moment you told me, and then, when you described her… I mean, sure you might have made up an image of what you thought she looked like and it would have manifested in your dream, but the details you gave… It was her.” She fully takes Beau’s hand. It is so small in comparison to her own that she can completely envelop it. “Did she look okay?”

Beau shrugs and looks toward the fire. “She was… She was strong. And fearless. She punched that fucker in the face to get it away from me.”

Yasha looks in the distance and slightly smiles, “Sounds like her.”

“I mean, she didn’t have wings like you, but I guess you’re not quite human yourself,” Beau says as a joke. But when Yasha doesn’t laugh, she turns toward her. “Sorry. That was insensitive.”

Yasha gives a tiny smile. “It’s okay. I’ve always felt… different. But I’m fine with that. I’m me. Zuala was Zuala. Nothing else mattered back then.”

There’s a brief silence before Yasha gets a bit more serious. “I used them today.”

Beau looks at her with a curious gaze, puzzled at first before realizing what she means. “Oh. Well… apparently you had to get back in a hurry.” A brief pause. “Wait… did you really fly during a _storm_? _And I didn’t get to see it?!_ ”

A sheepish smile cracks Yasha’s face, “It was not as cool as it sounds, far from it. Especially the landing part.” She stands up and reaches down to grab Beau’s hand. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah.” Beau takes her hand and she’s pulled off from the ground. But as they reach for their gear, Yasha’s leg suddenly buckles and the two women are already falling back down.

“Oof!” Yasha grunts in pain but as she opens her eyes, she sees Beau on top of her. Amidst the dusky retreating light in the sky, she never stops looking so beautiful. “Sorry, forgot my leg took a bad hit upon landing.”

“Huh. No wonder you were limping. You really should’ve left the clerics treat you.”

“Will you massage my sore muscles instead?”

Beau thinks about it for a moment, then gets off Yasha. “Can you still heal yourself? You don’t do that enough.”

Yasha stares back, looking mock-offended. “I ask for a massage and suddenly you’re declining?”

Beau looks up at the sky. “It _is_ getting late. We should be heading back.” She reaches down for Yasha’s arm as the aasimar reluctantly heals her leg. “But I promise, when we go to bed, I’ll massage you.”

Yasha victoriously smiles. “Do you want me to give you a carry in my arms in exchange? Like the old days.”

“Let me grab our stuff, and then I’ll compromise.”

“Deal.”

The two sentinels retrieve their gear and re-equip themselves as easily as they had removed them. Upon snuffing out the campfire, Beau laments. “A pity your bugs fell in the fire.”

Yasha just shrugs. “Plenty of chances later. Okay then, up you go.”

Without issue, Beau leaps up into Yasha’s arms as the two make their way back to Zadash. Upon arriving at the Cobalt Soul, they already see their companions as well as Clara and TJ awaiting them. Yasha sets Beau down onto the street as TJ runs up to his sister.

“Guess it’s my turn to carry someone,” she says as he reaches out and she grabs him.

“Sistah. No sad?”

Beau just smiles. “No sad. I’m okay now.” She looks toward Clara. “Sorry for worrying you.”

Clara smiles back. “It’s alright. You needed some space, as did Yasha.”

From the side, they hear Caleb clearing his throat. “Well then, shall we get going? Want to do a direct teleport, a circle into the tower?”

“Nah! I wanna do something else!” Jester speaks up as she grabs hold of Beau, Yasha, Clara, and TJ as Sprinkle pops out of her hood and scurries to Caduceus. “Just as we planned before, right Caduceus?”

The firbolg just nods back.

“Okay then! Artie! We’re coming home!”

Jester then raises her holy symbol in the air and within an instant the party is suddenly divided. The next moment, they open their eyes as they find themselves in a familiar room.

It’s Jester’s room at the Lavish Chateau.

“W-Where…” Clara begins to say before a sudden sound of footfalls approach the door. From the sound of it, a total of three people. One adult, two… children? Young adults? To an ordinary person, they would be so. But Beau knows the footfalls all too well, just as the door opens and in comes a familiar red-skinned tiefling woman and two male halflings.

“Jester! You’re--” Marion Lavorre, the Ruby of the Sea begins to say before her eyes dart towards Beau and Yasha, holding hands, and the two other figures in the room. One of them is a tiny boy, held in the arms of Beauregard. And the other…

“A pleasure to see you again… Marion.”

Marion is just left smiling as she makes her way to the second figure in the room, and shakes hands… before just going into a hug.

“It’s been ages, Clara. How are you?”

At the same time, Beau spots both Yeza and Luc Brenatto staring at this display. “Hello! Um… where’s Veth and the others?”

“They should be at the lighthouse,” Yasha explains. “At least, I think that’s how Caduceus described how this works?”

Yeza is nodding at the confirmation, yet Luc’s eyes are transfixed on Beau, who when he had last seen her looked very different. And she also didn’t have a younger charge that looked much like her.

“Oh. I need to introduce you.” She helps lower TJ to the floor. “TJ, this is Luc. Luc, this is TJ, my little brother.”

Luc is just left staring at the youngest Lionett. “Wow. He’s like you, Beau!”

Beau smiles. TJ, on the other hand, looks a little pensive. “Sistah?”

“It’s okay, TJ. You know Veth? This is _her_ little boy.” She points to Luc.

He still seems a bit wary, and Luc looks at him with a big smile and then signs, **Hello.**

Beau knows TJ can understand. This is one of the few signs she taught him. She looks at him, a bit worried that he might be scared upon meeting another child of his age, but after a few seconds, he answers with the same sign and the tiniest smile forms on his face.

“Your sister’s so cool,” Luc says to TJ. “She’s so brave, and strong, and just… she’s so _cool_!”

TJ remains silent, but Luc doesn’t mind and does the talking. “Have you met my Mom?” He doesn’t wait for an answer and keeps going. “She’s so cool too! She offered me a crossbow. Do you want to see it?”

TJ doesn’t say anything at first. Luc speaks very well and very fast for his age, and Beau knows this is probably a little too fast for him. But after a moment, he turns to her and asks, “Cro’bow?”

Beau and Yeza both share a look and mutter, “ **Oh, no.** ” But before they can intervene, the two kids are already running out of the room, Clara and Marion oblivious to what’s happening below them as they are lost in their reverie.

“Hey! TJ!” Beau shouts after them, causing the two mothers to notice what’s going on.

“Children are such a handful, aren’t they?” Marion asks of Clara.

“Yeah. But by gods, they’re such treasures,” she replies as Beau, Yasha, Jester, and Yeza run out after the tots.

Soon after, upon cornering them, the rest of the Mighty Nein show up and an impromptu performance by the Ruby of the Sea is arranged. The Nein plus the Lionetts and Brenattos are given the best seats in the house. A nice lengthy dinner and conversation occurs, and for the first time in a while, Beau feels like she can truly relax.

She'd been to many places over the past year, but in this instance, there’s no place like “home”.

* * *

It’s been about five days since their arrival in Nicodranas.

Beau and Marion had to pull some strings, but eventually they had found a place in Nicodranas right next to the Brenatto’s new home, so naturally Clara and TJ moved into their condo, a third room present for Beau whenever she’s visiting or passing through.

Over the course of these days, as Beau had figured, TJ and Luc definitely became fast friends. Clara and Marion were able to recoup on their life experiences since their last meeting, both the ups and the downs. And overall, having actual time to relax and breathe was a godsend. Even if Jester still had to resort to occasional disguises, her penchant for pranks never waned, resulting in quite a few of the Zhelezo getting a few headaches trying to ascertain the culprit when no trace could be found.

When Clara and TJ move in, Beau decides to stay with them, at least for a few days. And it quickly appears it was a good initiative.

TJ has been having nightmares on a regular basis since the confrontation in Kamordah, and the frequent changes of environment that he experienced lately probably don’t help. One night worse than the others, he wakes up crying almost every hour. At first, Clara takes care of him, but when he calls out for the fourth time, Beau goes to her mother’s room.

When she enters, she finds TJ crying and wailing in Clara’s arms.

“He’s still not sleeping?”

“No,” Clara sighs, “I took him with me last time he woke up, I thought it would help, but it didn’t work apparently.”

“Alright, go to bed. I’m gonna take care of him.”

And that is how their evenings have gone here in this new house for several nights. During the day, it’s just some much-needed family time, and Beau reads books to TJ whenever she’s not out training with Fjord or taking a quick circle to the Port Damali archive with Caleb for some light reading of her own.

It’s the fifth night here in Nicodranas now, when Beau takes him so that Clara can get some more sleep. She leaves the room to let Clara sleep and goes to the living room. She tries to calm TJ, but he won’t stop.

“Come on, TJ. Stop crying, I’m begging you.” Her voice is gentle and she tries to be as soothing as possible, but she is simply exhausted. TJ has been keeping them awake for the past few nights and she is reaching her limits.

She sits down on the rocking chair that Caleb created at her request with his Fabricate spell. It was similar to one in the tower that served the same purpose. The back and forth movement never fails to sooth her brother, so of course they got one when they moved in. She holds him against her, his head laying on her shoulder.

After a moment, his tears and screams seem to get lower. She keeps rocking him slowly and rhythmically. “It was just a nightmare. He can’t reach you here, you’re safe.”

Some more time passes, and TJ slowly calms down, until he completely stops crying. Beau can feel her eyelids getting heavier now that silence has fallen. She should probably go to her comfy new bed in this Nicodranian condo as it would be much more comfortable for both TJ and her, but before she can follow through with it, her eyes are closing and she is drifting away. She’s just so tired.

At first, her sleep is peaceful. She wouldn’t be able to tell if she is dreaming or not, but she is sleeping, and that’s all that matters for now. But then, she falls into this strange place between consciousness and unconsciousness that people call dreams. Or nightmares.

She immediately recognizes the pitch black space and her heart instantly races.

_Oh, hell no. Not again._

She looks in every direction to try and locate the creature that she knows very well is here, probably hiding somewhere in the dark. But she can’t find it anywhere. Or them? She still hasn’t figured that out, but fuck that.

Eventually, after looking in every possible direction, she sees a silhouette far away from her. She doesn’t want to come closer, but she has no choice. It feels like she’s suddenly pulled by an invisible force. She’s moved at an impossible speed and once she is only a few feet away, the force dissipates and she comes to a stop.

The silhouette is humanoid. They have their back to her. The hair is short, but the color is similar to hers, as is the skin tone. She starts thinking the creature took her face again, but then she notices they are taller than her. She is about to speak when they turn to face her.

And as soon as she sees the visage the creature puts on this time, she recoils.

It’s always hard to assess what a baby will look like when they reach adulthood, but when you have references, say parents, you can make up an image. But references can also be older siblings… and it’s clear that this is what served as inspiration in that case, because he looks exactly like a male version of Beauregard.

The man gives her a warm smile that makes her shiver, as does that all too familiar bone-rattling voice.

“Hey, sis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM! Another cliffhanger. Because there's no way in hell that "it" is going to let go of Beau anytime soon...
> 
> Side note: hi everyone, it's Luce! I don't show up very often in the notes, but I'm just here to tell you that if you haven't already, you should check what the Round-leaved Sundew Yasha mentioned looks like. I swear this tiny carnivorous plant is the cutest thing you've ever seen. Also, thanks to these of you who leave comments from time to time, and thanks to everyone who read this story! Alright, I'm out.


	18. Mr. Rattlebone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're like the calmest slit to my neck/Bring me in closer/Spruce up my soul and you fill it with coal then you douse it in lava  
> Chained to my desk/Beckoning nausea/Desperately chosen from a crowd of one, and I, I  
> That's right, "fuck all the drama"/I'll be your muse/Now, take what I offer/Straight up the nose, down the throat  
> It's a bearable bruise on your conscience/But don't it feel good?/Don't you feel calmer?/I am the way and the life in the best looking truth  
> Oh, oh, oh, oh
> 
> Call me "Mr. Rattlebone"/Holy Ghost who haunts your home/They don't know you like I know/Call me "Mr. Rattlebone"
> 
> I am the driver, I am the shadow, and I am the hearse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Heartsbane visits Beau once more, a family meeting is had to ascertain the next course of action... and Beau learns that she can rebuild and reinvent in more ways than even she anticipated... but will it be enough when faced with a solution to a situation that will truly be heartrending?
> 
> ADDENDUM: This chapter does have a borderline explicit sex scene between Beau and Yasha, but for the time being, this fic is still rated M for Mature. ALSO! As of Episode 120, this fic is now entirely 100% divergent. We're still gonna write, though. We've invested a lot of time and energy into this story already. May as well see it through to the end.

"Hey, sis."

Once the shock has lessened a bit, Beauregard quickly shakes herself out of stupor and composes herself. It’s the second time she's encountered the creature haunting her psyche. Its ability to take on people’s faces is still unsettling, but she can go past it now.

“Hello, Heartsbane.”

“Oh, that’s right, you found my name. I thought you would. You’re very smart, after all.”

Beau doesn’t react to the sarcastic comment.

“But what did it get you?” The creature wearing TJ’s face – at least what it came up with – starts slowly pacing. “You know my name, you know what I am and you know I am very old. Big deal!” it says while opening its arms with a grin on its face. “What will you do now?”

“People say I’m pretty good at solving mysteries and finding answers to my questions.”

“Oh, yeah. Beauregard Lionett, Expositor of truths!” The creature laughs mockingly. “You love that title, don’t you?”

Beau remains silent.

“Well, if you like finding answers so much, I have a question for you.” It pauses briefly and takes a step forward. “What do you think your baby brother will become when he grows up?”

“It won’t work, I know your tricks now.”

“Last time I was wearing  _ your _ face. Will you be able to deal with seeing the potential future TJ?” The creature takes what is probably supposed to be Beau’s voice, “ _ Your little man… _ ”

Beau clenches her jaw, “You’re terrible at impersonation, but you are really good at pissing people off, I must give you that.”

The creature goes into an exaggerated bow. It then stands straight and stares at Beauregard. “You never call him by his full name. Why is that? Is TJ just more convenient, or do you simply hate the fact that he was named after your dear old daddy?” It pauses. "Oh, that's right. You disowned him like he disowned you. Like father, like daughter."

Beau still refuses to take the bait. “You can keep pushing my buttons, but I won’t give you the satisfaction of reacting.”

The creature suddenly looks upset, “You were funnier last time.”

“Told you before: get used to disappointment with me. Seems to be a habit.”

The Heartsbane tilts its head to the side. “Just because you’re tougher now, it doesn’t mean I can’t try…"

Beau blinks and just like that, the entity is gone. She swiftly turns around and she is now facing a teenager. Same piercing blue eyes and dark skin, but the hair is slightly longer and falling into his face a bit. He is wearing clothes that are mostly green, with yellow peppered here and there.

“Hi! I’m Thoreau Junior, and I’m proudly bearing the name of my father.” The voice is high-pitched, too much, even for a teenager whose timber wouldn’t have dropped yet.

“I’m sure you can do better than that.”

“You’re right, and I have a perfect inspiration right in front of me. All I need to do is adapt the speech a bit.” The creature changes its attitude. It suddenly puts on a smirk and becomes cocky and smug. “You were the perfect cliché of a rebellious teenager, so I’ll make him a pretentious daddy’s boy.” The voice is different, deeper, like teenage boys trying to pass as men ahead of time. Knowing Thoreau’s voice all too well, Beau realizes this is what he might have sounded like when he was younger. The tone is awfully similar.

“I was only three when my mother and sister abducted me. I even remember--" A sickening  **_crunch_ ** sound that Beau remembers all too well echoes throughout. "--my sister breaking my father's wrist. I was so blind to her cruelty. But once I was old enough, I got in touch with him, the father I had been deprived of. He told me the truth. They were untrustworthy people, that I was manipulated and abused by them. It was all wrong. He told me he wanted to get me back, but was too afraid that his ungrateful wife and daughter pretending to love me would hurt me if he tried. His own daughter, my "loving sister", even sent one of her so-called friends to threaten him."

Beau has to fight real hard against her need to punch the Heartsbane. She knows it would be useless, if not dangerous. She knows so little about this creature, she has no idea if it could retaliate or not.

“So he waited, hoping that someday, I would see the situation for what it was. And I did. I came back to Kamordah when I was nine. Since then, life has been glorious. Father offers me everything I've ever wanted and he’s teaching me so that I can take on the family business my sister denied. There’s even this girl I like… Her parents often visit the winery to buy a couple bottles. Sometimes, she is with them. She is really pretty. And quiet. She doesn’t speak a lot. I like that. Dad says quiet women are the best ones. Don’t cause any problem. And he's right. He says my sister always had a big mouth and he hated that. I must admit I hated that too. Always ranting about how wonderful her dumb girlfriend was, bragging about how good she was as an Expositor at unraveling mysteries in ways no one ever could before. An insufferable know-it-all, you know?”

The creature mimics vomiting and Beau clenches her fists a little tighter.

_ When will this damn dream end, for fuck’s sake?! _

The Heartsbane looks her in the eye. “Shall we try another version of him? What do you think he could become, now that his father has fucked him up and his sister has broken a poor man’s wrist right in front of him? That must do a lot of damage to a child so young. So how will this translate into the future? Ha! I know.”

The creature disappears again. Beau grunts, “I won’t give you the pleasure to watch you masquerade.”

“Oh but you will.”

Beau is moved again by the invisible force that pulled her earlier, and this time it makes her turn around. She sees the same man that first appeared in front of her. The only difference is his face. The charming smile he was wearing has dropped, replaced by a guarded expression. His posture is slightly different too. Everything in his stance is showing how suspicious and distrustful he is, and Beau knows it, because this is exactly what she looked like when she met the Mighty Nein in Trostenwald. He looks like a dog about to bite anyone crazy enough to get close.

Those were dark days, indeed, even for her back then.

“I spent the first years of my life in a loveless house.” The voice is deep and raspy. “My father never showed any sort of affection and my mother was a coward who never stood up for me. I was three by the time she finally decided to act… but it was too late. The damage was already done. Bitterness had taken root in my heart. My sister was here the day my mother took me away. Apparently, she was the one who motivated all of this.”

The creature scoffs. “She had never been there and one day, she showed up into my life and decided she was going to take my mother and me away from him. Too bad she didn’t wake up sooner.”

The previous performance was upsetting. This one is heartbreaking. The Heartsbane is impersonating every fear Beau has had about her brother lately. She tries her best to remain calm and don’t fall for this act.

“I don’t doubt that Thoreau fucked her up just like he did to me. The only difference is she got lucky enough to find the right people. I didn’t get that chance. There was no Mighty Nein waiting around the corner.  _ My _ best friends are misery and resentment. We were treated the same way as kids, only I had to endure it for only three years. And still,  _ she _ is living a happy life, surrounded by love, when all I get is loneliness. You might think I’m doing this to myself. Well, you should have seen her before she met her ‘found family’, as she calls them. Yeah… The only difference is she found people who saved her, but not me.  **Good for her** .”

There is so much bitterness in these last words. Beau can suddenly taste bile in her mouth. She is pretty sure she is about to throw up. Who knows, when she wakes up, she might be covered in her own puke. If she ever wakes up from this.

_ Zuala, if you want to show up, now would be the time. _

_... _

_ No. I can’t count on another intervention. This is my fight. Against myself. _

“Do you want to see another one? I can keep going all night long. Until your heart finally falters for good.”

Beau grits her teeth. “I’m tired of your stupid little game.”

The creature’s eyes widen with glee. “Oh, look at that! The lioness is finally showing her claws! I knew you wouldn’t resist very long. Looks like I found your weakness, and his name is Thoreau Junior.”

Beau’s fists continue to clench. And then a thought occurs to her. The Heartsbane could’ve attacked her at any time. It can easily overpower her, even kill her if it had the chance. Why taunt her instead? Why not go for the kill?

_ Welp. Time for the scientific method. _

The clenched fists loosen and the palms become open once more. Beau looks the Heartsbane right in the eye. “Did you really?”

Without further hesitation, she lands a forceful palm towards the creature’s throat. It takes it like it’s nothing and looks at her with a mad expression. No retaliation. It didn’t even flinch. In fact, it’s the first time that she did land a blow. And yet, no reprisal.

_ What if… Oh. I see. I’m on to you. _

The creature starts laughing and gloating. “Hitting your baby brother now? Nasty, I like that! You hate that, facing the truth. Don’t you, Beauregard? But I thought you were  _ seeking _ it. But then again, even the truth can lead to misery and--”

Whatever else the Heartsbane was going to say dies out when it feels an unexpected tug at the base of its neck, on its illusory clothing. The laughter stops.

"Except I didn't hit my brother… or you."

It looks down at what Beau was actually aiming for as she grabs it by the collar. Her heart is calm, her mind is still… because she is not going to play this game. “And the only truth I’m facing now, the truth I’ve sought and found… is that I’ve had  _ enough _ of you.”

The creature grins, “Same. So what do you say we finally seal a deal and you step down?”

Beau's face betrays no emotion. Cold and calm as the eye of a storm. “More like I step  _ on you _ . You didn’t let me hit you last time, and you went for the dagger pretty quickly. So I’m assuming the reason why you haven’t yet is because you can’t.  _ I _ have it now, and you need it to kill me, right? You can’t get rid of me otherwise.”

The creature cringes. It suddenly is very blatantly pissed.

_ Gotcha. _

Beau’s stone cold expression morphs into a grin of confidence. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

The fiend composes itself, “Even if it’s true, what will you do? You don’t know how to kill me.”

“I’ll find a way.”

“But maybe I’ll be quicker. You might have weakened me when you got your voice back, but I can get back up on my feet, and you know that. A while ago it was only whispers in your sleep, then I broke through during daylight when your precious angel left you, now I’m manifesting in your dreams. What will happen next time? There’s not enough room for the two of us. One will have to leave eventually.”

Beau nods as she doesn't relent. “I agree.”

“So why don’t you give up right now? It would be so much easier for the both of us.”

She shakes her head. So arrogant, for being an ancient curse-monster. A flaw she can exploit. “I have another idea. What if I killed myself instead?”

She is still holding the creature by its collar, and it briefly freezes. “You’re bluffing.”

“Am I? What happens if I die? You said you were unique and I checked. You are, indeed. Does it mean you got only one shot at this? What happens if your vessel dies before you take control? So go ahead, call my bluff.  **I fucking dare you** .”

Since she has a grip on the creature, Beau can tell it starts slightly shaking. But the shock is soon gone and pure anger replaces it. But that brief pause answers all the questions currently on her mind. Beau does not back down and just glares at the abomination, cobalt blue eyes focused. The eyes of an Expositor.

“I’m not afraid of you. I  _ will _ find a way. And I never quit until I find an answer.  **Never** .”

The entity’s face changes just like it did during her last dream. TJ’s features drop and within a few seconds it is naught but a faceless void, except there are rows of rotted teeth in place of a mouth now. It hisses and lets out a nightmarish screech reminiscent of the trill of the frost worm they had faced in Eiselcross or the deep sea creatures that fought them while en route to the peace talks, the ones that killed Fjord and nearly got away with the Cloven Crystal on two separate occasions.

The toothy maw roars and goes for Beau’s chest, where the heart would be, a truly killing blow at close range. Beau wouldn’t be able to dodge… but she’s also tempting and testing fate. Maybe it can’t kill her… or perhaps it can without the dagger. Her mind is racing with details and thoughts rapidly becoming indecipherable, but right before the maw reaches her... the cries of a child resonate and mix with the horrible squeal.

Beau wakes up with a jolt. TJ is screaming and weeping in what seems to be pure terror, almost as if he had seen exactly what she just saw. She needs a moment to completely snap out of the dream, drenched in a cold sweat.

“Hey, it’s okay, little man.”

His cries get louder. She rocks the chair back and forth to soothe him and he slowly calms down. He is still sobbing, but he’s not screaming anymore.

“You’re not alone, I’m back.”

TJ looks up at her, absolutely freaked out and practically clawing at Beau, desperate to hold her close.

“Sistah. Bad dream?”

TJ is holding onto her night shirt very tight, right above her heart. It shakes her up and she has to concentrate not to space out.

“Yeah, TJ. Bad dream. I’m okay. We’re okay.”

TJ smiles a little, but his eyes are still watery. Beau holds him close.

_ We’re okay. We’re okay. We  _ are _. Because I’ll make sure of it. _

_ No other choice. _

* * *

Clara wakes up better rested than she had been in the past few days, let alone years. She really needed to have a decent night of sleep. She doesn’t know how Beau did it, but apparently, TJ cried only once more before completely calming down and the rest of the night was peaceful.

When she opens the curtains, the sun is high in the sky, momentarily blinding her. She's not used to sleeping in or seeing the sun without any cloud cover. She must have been really exhausted. But it’s still a welcome change from Kamordah. She even doesn’t have to wear those stuffy dresses and such anymore; much of her new wardrobe came from Marion’s.

Smiling to herself, Clara leaves her room and goes in search of her two darling children, but the living room is empty, as is the rocking chair. Thinking that they might just have slept in like her, she goes to knock on Beau’s door. No answer, and when she enters, the room is empty too. She checks TJ’s next, but still no one.

She suddenly feels her chest tighten as worry makes its way into her heart. The creature that had been tormenting her daughter quickly comes to mind. She doesn’t comprehend its nature, despite Beau’s and Caleb’s multiple attempts at explaining it, but she knows it’s very dangerous, and that it’s stronger at night when Beau is sleeping. All of a sudden, she wonders if leaving TJ with her was reasonable and safe, but the minute this thought forms, she shuts it down. Beau would never hurt him, cursed or not, possessed or not. She’s stronger than this.

Still, a bit of worry remains in her heart. Clara goes back to the living room after changing into another set of comfortable coastal clothes, determined to find where her children went, but this time she notices something she hadn’t seen before. There is a note on the dining table next to the rocking chair. She quickly grabs it and reads.

_ “You were sleeping, so I took TJ to the Chateau to give you some space and some much needed rest. Come join us when you wake up. I hope you slept well. Love you. Beau” _ .

At the end of the note is a scribble that she assumes was TJ’s attempt at signing.

Happy and relieved, Clara goes back to her room and gets prepared. Shortly after, she is right outside and stepping into the Lavish Chateau. She goes to the reception and politely greets the nearest employee. Carlos, she believes his name is.

“Hello. I’m looking for--” As she is speaking, she hears laughter coming from the nearby kitchens.

“For your children, I assume?”

“Yes, but I think I found them.”

Carlos smiles, “Please, Mrs. Lionett,” he says with a reverential hand motion.

Clara goes to the kitchens and when she gets there, she finds Beau, TJ and Luc playing with… Henriette? A bit confused, she joins them.

“Hey, Mom!”

“Mommy!”

“Meow!”

TJ runs to her and she crouches down to give him a hug. She is about to carry him in her arms like she always does, but he runs back to Luc and Henriette. She is a bit surprised.

TJ never denies it usually, but she must admit that over just a few days, he has emancipated quite a lot. Apparently, hanging out with Luc had this effect on him, and it seems he is slowly finding more self-confidence.

“Look! Henriette’s here!” he says as he is petting the cat.

"How is…" she starts to say, but Beau picks up on what is clearly the feline in the room.

"Well, I never told you she was a real cat because you didn't ask, Mom. Even I didn't know she was until we moved around. She was a gift, from Caleb."

“I was so sure she was part of the tower’s fey cats.”

“So was I, until one day, I was looking for my journal in my satchel, and here she was, napping. Caleb told me exactly what I just said: ‘You never asked, Beauregard’.”

Clara looks at the cat, having to rely on hearing. "Poor thing's still blind, but maybe one day she'll be lucky and get it back?"

“Maybe one day. But I think she’s fine with it for now. Right, Henriette?” The cat meows, but hard to tell if it is positive or negative. “Also, it didn’t keep her from sneaking up on me several times before I found out.”

“Well, it sure is a surprise.” Clara smiles and looks at her daughter. “Did you sleep well?”

“As well as I could with this little monstah,” she says as she glances at TJ with a grin, but the boy doesn’t even notice, too focused on his two friends.

“You look good nevertheless. How do you feel?”

“Great! I’m great.”

She does look happy. But upon staring at her, Clara feels like something is… off. Her happiness doesn’t seem quite genuine. It looks… heightened.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Of course I am. Stop worrying, Mom. I’m fine,” and Beau gives her mother a smile.

“Alright.”

Clara is still a little dubious, but she doesn’t push it. “Any plan for the day?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. Yasha left early, she took the day for herself. She will probably find a quiet place where she can play her harp.”

“Good. What about you? And your friends?”

Beau is about to give an answer, but…

"Sistah bad dream. We were scared."

Clara briskly turns to TJ and frowns. “Who had a bad dream?”

"We did." Clara looks back to Beau who is still smiling, but her eyes are not.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I told you, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine, Beau. You had one of these dreams again!”

Beau can tell her mother is not chastising her, but is instead worried. She glances at TJ, who is starting to pay more attention to the conversation, as is Luc. She looks back at Clara and whispers, “Please, don’t freak out in front of them. I talked about it with TJ a bit, because I don’t want to keep him in the dark, but I tried to tone it down a bit.”

Clara tries to keep a hold on her emotions and regulate her voice. “You can’t tell me you’re great and then say out of the blue that you had a nightmare. This thing… This thing is very dangerous, this is all I was able to make out from everything you told me. I saw what it did to you when Yasha left.”

Beau puts her hand on Clara's shoulder. "I'm okay  _ now _ , Mom. Didn't even get a chance to scratch me this time." Her smile finally falters. "Yeah, it was a really bad one. But it didn't end the same way."

Clara sighs, “Beau, I… I just got you back. TJ is…” she briefly looks at him, but the two kids don’t seem to be listening anymore. “He is only starting to know his sister. We…” her voice shakes a bit, “We can’t lose you.”

"You won't." Clara looks into her daughter's eyes. They're focused. "I've already made up my mind. I'm not giving up. Not on you, or TJ. Not even on myself. Like I said, I'm okay  _ now _ . I won't always be… but for now I am."

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to act like an overprotective mother.”

Beau smiles and takes Clara’s hand. “You’re not overprotective, Mom. Just protective enough. I’ve experienced overprotectiveness, and this is nothing like… what Thoreau did. But it means a lot that you’re watching after me and you’re worried. It feels nice to be cared for, you know.”

Clara is a bit hesitant. She‘s evolved a lot lately, but it’s still hard for her to express her feelings and emotions. Still, Clara cups Beau's face and strokes her cheek.

“Come here,” and she gives her a warm hug.

Beau deeply inhales as her mother wraps her arms around her and holds her tight. It feels nice. If anything, the time she’s had with her family since they left Kamordah has reminded her of how much she had missed her mother. She hadn’t even realized it before.

As they are still hugging, she whispers, “We will find something, Mom.”

They break apart, but Clara holds Beau’s hands. “I know you will.”

Beau takes a look past Clara to see the front entrance of the Chateau, leading to the beach beyond. “Could you please take TJ and Luc for a walk, or something? Yeza went grocery shopping, but he might be done now. Maybe you can go with him. I’d like to talk with the Mighty Nein about what to do next. In private."

“Of course, baby.” She turns to TJ and Luc. “Do you want to go to the beach, kids?”

They both burst out into cheerful shrieks. TJ has come to love the ocean from the very first day they spent in Nicodranas, just like Beau thought he would. He is learning to swim and it is adorable to watch.

“The beach it is, then.”

Beau looks at TJ and Luc with a smile, and then turns to her mother. “Don’t tell Yasha about the dream, please. I don’t like keeping things from her, but she has a lot on her plate right now, I don’t want to make things worse.”

“Okay, I won’t say anything. But don’t keep it from her too long, okay? Having privacy even when you’re in a relationship is a thing, but secrets are never good.”

“I know, Mom. I just want to let her breathe a little. She has a lot to deal with right now.”

Clara nods. “That’s fair. Now you stay strong, okay?”

“Okay.”

She brushes her cheek one last time. “Alright. TJ, Luc, come on.”

She doesn’t need to repeat herself. They both kiss Henriette on the head, and then dash out of the kitchens. Beau grins. “Good luck with these two.”

“I’ll be fine, Beau. They’re just a couple little boys. What can go wrong?” Clara responds as she walks out of the kitchens. Beau has to resist the urge to shake her head until her mother is far out of sight; she has no idea what she’s in for. Luc’s enough of a hellraiser on his own. But TJ potentially being roped into his chaos? A disaster.

Sure enough, as she picks up Henriette and apologizes to the staff for taking up so much of their time, she heads out to the main bar area and within minutes she catches the unmistakable giggling of a halfling boy as he runs past the entryway towards the beach, followed by a slightly younger human boy and his beleaguered mother giving chase.

_ Way to tempt fate, Mother. _

Beau waits until they’re gone before she finally lets the smile slip away completely. She then heads upstairs to where she knows Jester is staying. Upon reaching her door, she knocks. Soon after, she’s met with the familiar sight of her tiefling friend, looking a little more chipper than usual. Or is she… glowing?

“Uh, hi Jessie. Am I disturbing you?”

Jester seems unable to keep a neutral expression -- not that she is ever not smiling -- because her deep violet blush is clearly giving something away. That and her hair being slick with sweat. Could be the Nicodranian sun, or…

“H-Hi, Beau! No, no, you’re not interrupting anything. Um, you need something?”

Beau sniffs a bit. She can tell just by a whiff. But she doesn’t smirk. “Is it possible that you can get the Nein together for a meeting tonight? Minus Yasha, since I’m sure she still wants her alone time.”

Jester nods a little too quickly. “Yeah! I can do that. Right at sundown!”

“Dope. Thanks, Jessie.” She turns to leave, but before she does, she calls out over her shoulder, “Don’t take too long. Both of you.”

“Wh-?!” The unmistakable utterance of shock that is Fjord Stone poorly hidden under the covers doesn’t even reach her ears completely as Beau closes the door behind her. It’s only then that she has the biggest smirk on her face in a while. She fiddles with some ball bearings in her pocket absentmindedly. Just for kicks, she takes one out and flicks it forward…

_ Crash! _

… but she did not expect to suddenly hit a vase in the corner fifty feet in front of her. Her skills are dope, but not  _ that _ dope.

_ That’s weird. _

Thinking little of it, she quickly goes to work hiding the broken vase in her room before heading downstairs for a drink.

* * *

In the evening, the six of them gather in Caleb’s tower, to have some privacy and be able to speak freely. Beau tells them she had another dream and explains what happened. When she is done, she sees concern on her friends' face, but she ignores it and keeps going.

“I think it needs the dagger to be able to kill me, or even hurt me at all.”

“What makes you say that?” Fjord asks.

“It didn’t attack me this time, even when I hit it.”

Caleb frowns, “I still don’t understand how you ended up with this dagger when you woke up the first time. If what you say is true, the Heartsbane wouldn’t have let it go so easily.”

Jester looks at him, “Maybe Zuala’s intervention has something to do with it? Maybe she helped Beau get the dagger?”

“That’s the conclusion I came to,” Beau explains. “But how I got the dagger doesn’t matter. What is important is that apparently, I’m not in danger.”

She briefly pauses and thinks. “Well, technically I still am, because it can still rob me of my voice and all that shit if I let myself waver. But at least it can’t kill me and take over.”

“But we still need to figure out a way to free you from it for good,” Caleb interjects. “Did this dream give you any clue on how to do that?”

“Not much, actually. All I know is that the Heartsbane freaked out pretty bad when I threatened to kill myself.”

“Beau!”

She turns to Jester and motions toward her. “See? This is why I didn’t tell you when it happened the first time, and this is why it’s good Yasha is not here right now. I won’t kill myself, I was just testing the waters.” She notices the others not quite believing her and elaborates. “Truth is, I would only do so as a last resort… but the fact that it reacted so strongly proves that it has to be the one to do it, not me.”

“Ah, so technically you were not bluffing,” Fjord realizes.

“Nope. Because taking my life would only be, as I said, a last resort. A  _ very _ last resort.”

They all give her wary looks and Caleb clears his throat. “I believe you. Because even I know you wouldn’t go that far unless you had no more cards to play. But we will make sure you don’t have to get to that point.”

Beau nods. “Exactly.”

Fjord rubs his nose, “Should we take turns to watch over you when you sleep?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Beau and Jester look at each other.

“I’m not having someone watch over me like a newborn, Jester.”

“Yes, you are.”

**“No,”** Beau raises her voice with a stamp of her foot. “Besides, I’m not always alone at night anymore… you know? I don’t need to be treated like a newborn. And I don’t need to be looked at like broken glass.” She looks away from Jester and then says, “Also, if I really wanted that, I’d have said so. Okay?”

“So what if it happens again?” Jester insists. “TJ woke you up this time, but what if there’s no one to do so, or if Yasha doesn’t notice?”

“I’ll be fine. I told you, it won‘t hurt me right now. It can’t.” Beau walks over to Jester and holds her hands. “You trust me, right?”

“Of course,” she says with a bit of offense in her voice. “But you’re being reckless again.”

“Much like how  _ you _ are a lot of the time, pushing yourself too hard?”

Jester freezes. She can’t even argue with that, and Beau knows she hit the nail on the head. She’s not blind to the times Jester has given over and over yet never truly takes time for herself. Always being the self-sacrificial sort if it meant ensuring one’s happiness.

Not unlike herself, Beau realizes. Or at least, the old her before she allowed herself a future with Yasha..

**_Lashing out at your friends yet again, huh, Beauregard?_ **

Beau ignores that sick whispering voice. She’s  _ not _ going to let it win. “Sorry. I’m just saying that it’s not going to be like before. And don’t get me wrong, it means a lot to me that you’re worried about me, but I won’t turn everybody’s lives upside down, certainly not when it’s unneeded. You have passed the last weeks focusing on me and again, thank you. But you should enjoy yourself a little.”

She looks at the rest of the group. “Same goes for all of you. And I won’t lie, I’m fucking terrified. However, I’m not going to let myself fall apart. I’m going to stay strong not because I have to, but because I want to. But I’m also going to take the time to be happy, too.”

Jester stares at her for a moment, until she suddenly wraps her arms around her neck and hugs her tightly. “I just don’t want this thing to take you from us. Just a week was horrible when the Assembly took you. I… You’re my best friend, Beau, I don’t want to lose you.”

Beau breaks the hug a bit to stare Jester in the eyes. “That week, I was truly alone. That’s the difference between then and now. You get that, don’t you? It won’t be like before. I promise.”

Jester fights her tears and nods. “Pinky promise?” She holds out her hand. Beau smiles and locks their fingers together. And in the corner of her mind, she swears she could hear a distant  **_“Fuck!”_ ** before it fades.

_ Like hell I’m letting you win, buddy. _

“So for now, I suggest we try to relax and keep our spirits up.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Caduceus says with a smile. “If anyone wants tea, I’ll-I’ll get a kettle going. And we can… we can have some tea all together and relax. I’m sure Yasha will be happy to have a cup when she comes back.”

They all enthusiastically agree and the tension that has settled in is quickly lifted up.

When Yasha eventually comes back, she finds them in the salon, near the fireplace, enjoying tea and casual conversations. Caduceus immediately pours a cup for her, but she doesn’t take it when he brings it to her, as her hands are full already. She is holding something against her, wrapped in a cloth.

As the firbolg raises his eyebrows in curiosity, she unfolds the cloth just enough to show him what she is carrying without uncovering it to the others. He smiles, “Look what we have here.”

He steps to the side and Yasha kneels down to put the cloth on the ground. “Jester, you might want to make sure Sprinkle stays in your hood.”

“He always stays in my hood. Right, Sprinkle?”

The red weasel peeks out when he hears his name and squeaks a bit. But as he is about to go back into his little nest, he smells the air. His eyes dart around until they stop on the small bundle on the floor and he suddenly gets very excited.

Fjord looks at him with suspicion. “Caduceus, did you do something to him? It’s like he suddenly came back to life.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Veth confirms. “He’s never been so active and animated.”

“You guys! Stop! He’s always very active.”

“Yeah, sure,” Fjord says, which earns him a punch in the shoulder from Jester.

Yasha clears her throat, “He really should stay back, because if he tries anything, I will murder him.”

They all stare at her with shock on their faces and immediately see she is not joking.

“O-Okay,” Jester stutters as she gently grabs Sprinkle to make sure he stays on her shoulder.

Yasha completely unfolds the cloth this time, and a tiny gray bunny emerges from it. The Nein instantly ‘aww’ in unison. It looks terrified, but it’s really cute. The aasimar takes it in her hands, even gentler than usual. The bunny is not very big, but it seems even smaller in her large hands.

“It’s so cute!” Jester squeals.

“It is,” Yasha says, holding the bunny right in front of her face and smiling.

The animal is still very clearly worried, but it doesn’t try to escape Yasha’s grip and seems slightly less panicked now.

“Where did you find it?”

“I was on the cliff and it came out of nowhere.”

Caduceus doesn’t try to touch the animal, but he looks at it closely. “It doesn’t really look like a wild rabbit. Maybe it’s more like… a pet? It was alone?”

Yasha shrugs a little. “It showed up this morning and hung around for the rest of the day. I thought someone might come look for it, but I didn’t see anyone, so I took it with me. I didn’t want it to get eaten.”

Caduceus bends down to be at the bunny’s level. “What were you doing out here, all alone?”

They all look at him silently. He claims animals can understand him, but since they can’t respond, they never got any confirmation. But knowing Caduceus, this is probably true. Still, in this case, the bunny’s inability to answer makes the question useless.

Jester wants to come closer, but Sprinkle is getting more and more excited at the sight of a potential prey, and she doesn’t want to risk it, so she keeps her distance and holds on to him. Yasha’s threat was very clear.

“Maybe it got lost?” Jester says as she suddenly gets as excited as her red weasel. “Oh! Maybe it belongs to the man who sold us Sprinkle and Professor Thaddeus! Maybe it’s a special bunny!”

Beau eyes the hair-raising hare with awe. The sheen of its fur, despite being so gray…

“Maybe it is. It’s so shiny!” She mutters, twirling a set of tools no one noticed her having before.

“Ooh, where’d you get those, Beau?” Jester says, noticing what’s in her hand.

“Hmm?” Beau responds to Jester. “Well, remember while we were in Uthodurn during my… ‘rehabilitation’ I was helping Umi and Deilin with their forging? Thought I’d take up tinkering as a side hobby and--”

_ “By the gods, what’s wrong with my bunny?!” _

They all immediately turn to the bunny that is… glowing. The bunny is glowing. Blue light is emanating from it, which goes very well with it’s gray fur, but wasn’t here a minute ago. And it’s not the only one; Yasha and Caduceus are also glowing with a similar azure sheen.

“Was that…  _ Faerie Fire _ ?” Fjord asks in confusion. “I didn’t cast that. Can you all cast it too?”

Everyone shakes their heads. Caleb raises his eyebrows. He slowly looks at them one by one, until his eyes stop on Beau. “What? You know me, I don’t do magic.”

“Are you sure you don’t? You studied arcana, right?”

“Studying might be an exaggeration. I probably learned more messing around with you and Essek than I did during my time as an acolyte. But no, I’m more into history and stuff. Arcana is  _ your _ department.” Beau furrows her brow. “Wh-What’s the deal, man? I would know if I took courses in magic, and I did not.”

Fjord clears his throat. “If I may… The Wildmother was Caduceus’ exclusive field, until it wasn’t.”

Beau looks between Fjord and Caleb. “Hey! I’m just fine being the only normal person in this family, okay? It feels comforting, being unique in a way, okay? W-Why would I change that--”

“‘Times like these, I wish I could heal with a touch…’”

Everyone turns over to Yasha, who by now is no longer shining, as is her bunny. “I dunno, maybe someone… granted your wish?” She frowns and looks down at her right arm; she’d gotten bitten by a wolf that tried to eat her bunny before she killed it. “I dunno, maybe give it a shot?”

“Won’t know until you try,” Jester pipes up, grabbing Beau by the arm. “Come on, what’s the harm?”

Beau looks between Jester and Yasha, and to the tiny hare in her hands. She can’t believe this is happening. “I… I don’t get it… I’m not a wizard or a sorcerer, or even some cleric. How could...”

“There are other means of learning magic, Beauregard,” Caleb mentions. “There are those who are able to use tools as a focus for magic. Artificers, if I recall. They’re inventors. I hear that they’re a common sight up in Hupperdook. Who knows? Perhaps subconsciously you picked up more than what you thought you had in Uthodurn… and since most spells require speech, you wouldn’t have known until now.”

“Okay, maybe. But I’ve been able to speak again for quite some time now, I would have noticed if I was able to--”

Caleb places a hand on her shoulder. “But you haven’t concentrated on actually casting something. That  _ Faerie Fire _ … did you not mention something about its coat being shiny? Sometimes you might not be aware. Not all casters are natural-born; some learn from others, some are self taught.” He scratches his chin. “And besides,  _ Faerie Fire _ requires a verbal component, so...”

All of this information hits Beau hard and fast. Up until several weeks ago, she was the same as ever. And yet, as a result of her captivity, rehab, and eventual recovery… she somehow gained even more tricks to use than before?

“Well… if you say so… I… I suppose I can give it a try.” She looks at Yasha. “Arm?”

Yasha nods, and Beau places her shaking hand over the bite on her right bicep. Thinking about what Caleb mentioned, she intentionally concentrates and closes her eyes, visualizing the imagery of a wound being mended by little more than just a touch, and even more so her hand holding the tools… as if she were repairing something built instead of something fleshy. Or like a doctor treating a wound with sutures and stitches. And before she can even stop herself… she’s muttering an incantation. Holy shit, she’s muttering an arcane incantation. She’s… she’s…

“My gods...”

Upon hearing Yasha’s words, Beau opens her eyes and is at a loss for words. She sees the bite mark under her hand slowly close up, flesh being knit back together until all that remains is the blood left behind and a faint scar.

Beau realizes what she had just done. She had just cast a  _ Cure Wounds _ spell.

“T-That… That...” Beau begins to stutter, her eyes wide and touch getting clammy.

“Beau? You okay?” Jester asks, but Beau isn’t looking at her.

“That… was...”

“Was what?”

Beau finally blinks and starts to breathe normally again, and looks at her family one by one until locking eyes with Yasha. As she does, her quiet stammering transforms into the widest grin she ever had, her eyes beaming. Almost like she herself is glowing after a fan-fucking-tastic night with her lover. But this warmth is different. Because this is all her.

She has magic now. And it’s hers. All hers. “That was…  _ so fucking dope _ !”

The bunny gets startled, but Yasha can’t help the smile forming on her face as she sees Beau beaming even brighter.

“Did you see that?”

“I did. Felt it too. Thanks.”

Beau turns to Caleb and rushes over to him. “You’ve gotta teach me more, man! Fuck… maybe  _ I _ should be one! That could be a goal! I--”

“Calm down, Beauregard. One thing at a time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re not excited too, I know you are.” She turns to Veth. “Hey, we can both be his apprentices now.”

Veth looks at Beau, and even Beau can tell that for all the shit the halfling gives her… there’s a genuine look of joy on her face. “Reminds me of when I first learned how. Caleb was my teacher. And now… you can do it too.”

Beau gets on her knees to meet her at eye level. “I dunno how much else I can do, but hey, at least I’m not ‘ordinary’ anymore. And this magic? It’s only going to make my skill set even more diverse. So I’m fucking thrilled.” She leans forward to give Veth a hug.

The halfling is taken by surprise, but then she smiles and hugs her back. “You were never ordinary, kiddo,” she says with her mom-voice.

Beau chuckles, willing to let that bit slide, and parts from Veth, a bit awkward but also still thrilled by the recent discovery of her new abilities. She looks down at her hands, bending and unbending her fingers, as if they were suddenly even more powerful tools, and grins.

After a moment, she stands up and casually asks Yasha, “So, will you keep it?”

“I guess so. Whoever abandoned the poor thing or didn’t come after it when it escaped, doesn’t deserve to have it.”

“I-I don’t know,” Caduceus says, “Maybe they tried but just couldn’t find it.”

“But Caduceus!” Jester protests. “Look how cute it is!”

“Yeah, I can see that. Which is why the person it belongs to would probably love to see it again.”

“Maybe we can put up posters through the city?” Veth suggests. This way, they can come pick up their bunny if they want it back. If not, we will give it to Sprinkle as a snack.”

“Veth…” Yasha growls with a threatening tone, holding the animal closer to her chest.

“I’m just kidding.” She seems a bit intimidated, which makes it hard to tell if she was actually joking or not. But it’s when Beau cracks her knuckles that any pretense of innocence drops.

Jester joins her hands excitedly. “If no one comes, we can keep it!”

“Um, guys… Don’t you think we have enough pets already?” Fjord asks. “Frumpkin, Sprin--”

Caleb cuts him off with an offended tone, “Frumpkin is not a pet, he’s a companion.”

“Yeah, whatever you want to call him. Sprinkle, Nugget, and now---”

“Nugget is not with us anymore, he’s Luc’s now,” Jester objects.

“Okay, but we have Henriette. And should I remind you that we also had an owl at some point, that we lost?”

Beau raises her eyebrows at Fjord’s mention of that bird, “Fuck that stupid owl. He made his choice when he flew the coop. And what’s wrong with Henriette? She’s not bothering anyone.” A meow that could pass for snark, if a cat could snark, sounds out from within Beau’s satchel.

“I didn’t say she was, I’m just highlighting the fact that this party is indeed starting to look like a menagerie.”

“What’s the problem with that? Are you allergic to rabbits too?” Jester shows real concern now.

“I’m not, I’m just trying to--” He sighs. “I’m trying to be reasonable, but whatever.” He turns to Yasha. “I don’t mind if you keep it, I really don’t. But please, make sure it won’t ruin the tower or wherever we’re staying.”

Yasha gives him a look. “It’s fine. Whenever we’re out and about, we’ll leave the animals at either the Xhorhaus… or even with the Lionetts, if that’s okay with you, Beau.”

Beau shrugs. “Don’t see why not. TJ could use more friends to play with. I just worry about my mom having to clean up after them all. But that’s what your hubby and son are there for,” she says with a look and a grin toward Veth.

The entire salon sounds out with the joined laughter of all those present.

Veth grins, “I’d like to disagree, but in fact Luc would probably be delighted.”

“It’s decided then!” Jester says with a clap of her hands. “We keep it for now, and if no one comes for it, we’ll keep it for good. What will you name it, Yasha?”

“Um...”

“Harey.”

The Nein turn to Fjord, looks of confusion on their faces. “What? It’s a hare, and it sounds like Harry.”

Jester grins, “You were only pretending… You love it already.”

“N-No, I don’t. I just think it’s important for it to have a name. To be able to call for it if it gets lost in the tower… you know.”

_ “You love it.” _

Fjord is about to protest again, but Jester’s smile is just too cute to go against, so he simply shakes his head.

Veth throws a look at the clock. “It’s getting late. They will probably be back from the beach soon, we should go wait for them.”

“The tower is up, so we can spend the night here if you want to,” Caleb suggests.

“Oh, yes! Mama didn’t see it yet!” Jester is already running down to the center and descending before anyone can stop her.

Caleb looks to Fjord, and then to Beau. “Might have to double up tonight.”

“No worries!” Beau shouts as she grabs Yasha by the waist, not too rough so that the bunny is not startled. They too are already moving, towards  _ their _ room. As they ascend, she hears Fjord stuttering, “Um, well… I...”

_ “Oh come on, Fjord! You didn’t have trouble letting me in while I was mute!” _

“Fuck you, Beau!”

Beau grins, but also sneers. “You just earned fifty more reps, Captain.”

Fjord is just left a rambling mess as the iris closes beneath them. As soon as it does, she turns to Yasha. “On second thought, I’ll just make it ten. But he won’t know that.”

The aasimar can’t help but giggle, holding both of her companions close as they head through the door leading to Yasha’s chambers. But despite the jovial atmosphere, Beau still feels a twinge of dread at the pit of her stomach. She heard it in her head not too long ago, she knows that it is very aware of her state of mind.

But she can’t lose heart. Not now. Not when she has work to do. Not when she still hasn’t filled Yasha in. But that’s for later.

…If there is a later.

* * *

Yasha falls asleep quickly, which is unusual for her, but Beau is glad she does. This way, she doesn’t notice that she, on the other hand, can’t find sleep. Too many things on her mind. Too many unanswered questions and unresolved mysteries. And maybe also a bit of fear, if she is completely honest.

She doesn’t know how much time has passed since they went to bed, but if she can’t sleep, she might as well make good use of her time. She sneaks out of the bed and gets out of the room. She wants to go through her notes once more, but she doesn’t want to wake Yasha up. Her day out apparently tired her enough to kill her insomnia and she’s not about to ruin her night.

She grabs her satchel on the way out and when she passes the terrarium, she picks an insect, eats it, and goes to settle down on the floor of the other room. She quickly pulls out her many notebooks and papers and gets to work.

It must have been a couple hours when the silence that has been remaining so far is broken. She hears muffled noises coming from the bedroom and her head immediately shoots up. She listens closely to try to assess if this might come from Harey. Maybe he broke free from his improvised pen. But after a moment, she hears the sound of footsteps approaching. Yasha appears in the doorframe and stops there.

"Here you are.”

“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I would go over my notes again, see if I missed something.”

Yasha nods and Beau stares at her. She instantly notices her agitation and her eyes slightly wider than usual. She is on alert. “You seemed to be sleeping pretty tight. Why did you wake up? Something’s wrong?”

The aasimar doesn’t answer. She swallows and remains still. After a moment, she walks up to Beau and sits down behind her. She lays her head on Beau’s shoulder and whispers, “I had a nightmare again.”

Beau feels her heart race, both because she knows exactly what it means, and because that’s what she is supposed to tell Yasha. She reaches on each side of her to gently rub Yasha’s legs, which are framing her. “Same one?”

She feels her girlfriend nod. “And you… you didn’t…” She doesn’t know if she should say it out loud, but then she realizes that not saying it makes it a taboo somehow, when it shouldn’t be. “You didn’t hurt yourself?”

“No… I was about to wake you up to… help me calm down, I guess. I got a bit scared when I saw you weren’t there, but I found you here so… I’m okay… I think.”

Beau turns around to face Yasha, as they are mere inches from each other. “Are you sure?”

Yasha stares at her for a few seconds, and then shakes her head.

“Come over here.”

Beau opens her arms and Yasha eagerly scoots closer and comes into her embrace. The monk tightly wraps her arms around her. “Is there something I can do?”

“I’d say knock me out, but I’m not sure it would keep the nightmares away.”

“And I’m not sure I’d be able to knock you out.”

They share a chuckle, but it’s not joyful, rather tense and bitter instead. Silence falls around and Beau slowly draws circles in Yasha’s back to try and calm her down. Her breathing was faster than it should be when she took her in her arms, but it’s slowing down now and coming to a steady pace.

“Anything I could do, other than knocking you out?”

Yasha nuzzles Beau’s neck with her nose. "Well… you  _ could _ knock me out… but not with a fight," she says with a blush on her cheeks. Beau backs off a bit to look her in the eye and raises her eyebrows. Yasha’s blush instantly gets worse, feeling like she overstepped. “Is… Is it okay that I ask?”

“Yeah, totally. No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s totally fine, I’m just a bit surprised. You rarely ask for sex, it’s the other way around usually.”

Yasha still looks embarrassed. She hides her face in Beau’s neck again, unable to look her in the eye. Beau whispers in a soothing voice, “It’s okay, Yash. I’m glad that you’re asking, don’t feel bad about it. Anything you need right now.”

She kisses her on the cheek and feels how warm it is because of Yasha’s blush. She then goes lower and peppers kisses on her neck. “What do you say we go to bed and I make sure you go back to sleep?”

Yasha doesn’t answer, but she nods in approval. Beau puts one last kiss on her cheek and then stands up. She offers a hand to help Yasha to her feet, and keeps holding on as she leads her back to the bedroom. She stops next to the bed and pulls Yasha closer to kiss her on the lips. The aasimar gladly responds and rests her arms on the shoulders of the shorter woman. They kiss for a while, until they part to get some air.

Beau runs a hand in Yasha’s white hair to push stray locks out of her face. “Do you want to undress, or should I take care of it?”

“You can undress me.”

Beau nods and pulls her in for another kiss. She reaches for her night shirt and pulls it up. They interrupt the kiss just long enough for the shirt to go off, and then their lips lock again. Beau strokes Yasha’s ribs and she feels a shiver go through her. As they are kissing, she finishes undressing her. She gently grabs Yasha’s breasts, which gets a soft moan out of her. The aasimar still has her arms on Beau’s shoulders and she grips her shirt and tugs onto it.

The monk stops the kiss. “Do you want me naked, too?”

Yasha seems hesitant. Her eyes briefly go down before meeting Beau’s gaze again. “Are… Are you wearing underwear or your breast band under this shirt?”

Beau stares at her, “You want to know if my scar is covered?”

Yasha pinches her lips and nods with a guilty expression.

“No, I’m not wearing anything under my shirt.”

"Then no, you don’t need to. Just… just take care of me. Just help me sleep.  _ Please _ ."

“Okay,” she strokes her cheek. “I got you, just lay down.”

Yasha does as told, but to Beau’s surprise, she lays on her belly. She doesn’t question it and rolls her sleeves up. She hovers above Yasha, her knees on each side of her, and kisses her shoulder. “Do you want my tongue or my fingers?”

“Your fingers.”

Beau pushes Yasha’s hair to the side and kisses her right behind the ear, and Yasha sighs. “Do you want it soft or rough?”

Yasha doesn’t respond right away. There is a short hesitation before she speaks, “Soft.”

Beau gently turns Yasha’s head and kisses her on the lips. “Just let me know if you want me to stop or if you need anything, okay?”

Yasha nods in place of an answer.

Beau kisses her one more time and then lifts herself up. She grips Yasha’s hips and pulls them up, then slides a hand between the mattress and her body. As soon as she touches her, Yasha gasps. Beau bends down and kisses the small of her back and then her ass. She keeps her other hand on Yasha’s hip to make sure she doesn’t lower her body, but she doesn’t need to. The aasimar raises her pelvis on her own to give more space for Beau’s hand.

Beau watches in awe as Yasha’s muscles alternately tense and relax. She loves seeing her body like this. She gently strokes her thigh with her free hand, going down to the knee first, and then back up to the hip. Yasha moans and tightly grips the sheets. The sight awakens something primal inside of Beau, something she didn’t even know she had. She suddenly wants to grab Yasha’s hip, or thigh, or anything, and just own her, but she holds back.

She said she wanted it soft, and that’s exactly what she’s going to give her.

“Are you okay, Yash?”

“Yes. Can you…” She stops.

“Tell me.”

“I… I’d like your fingers inside of me. Please.”

Beau kisses her ass and changes the angle of her hand to make it more comfortable for both Yasha and herself. She puts only one finger in at first, before she realizes Yasha is ready for two already. “Do you want a second one?”

Yasha doesn’t answer, but she sees her nodding. She adds another one and goes at a slow pace, still peppering kisses on her lover’s back, ass, and legs.

After some time, Yasha’s breathing picks up and her muscles tense more tightly. “Beau,” she lets out with a long moan.

The monk keeps a steady pace, and Yasha calls her name again, but this time her voice is different. There is panic in her tone.

"I got you." Beau bends over Yasha, her chest against her back, and whispers into her ear. “I’m right here.” Her hand freezes. “Do you want to stop?”

“No, just... “ her breathing is erratic, but Beau can’t tell if it’s because of pleasure or distress. “I think I need to see you.”

Yasha starts moving and Beau lets go of her and gives her space to roll over. She looks at the monk and tries to hide her sudden coyness. “Can you… Would you go down on me?”

Beau keeps a stern face, but she looks at Yasha with intensity as she nods. She bends down and gently kisses her on the lips. She then kisses her neck and stops at her breasts. She watches up, “Would you like me to take care of those before?”

Yasha nods, “Please.”

Beau takes one breast in her hand and kneads it. She is rewarded with a moan that immediately gets louder when she takes the other nipple in her mouth.

“Keep doing that,” Yasha pleads. Beau gladly obliges and strokes Yasha’s thigh with her free hand. After a moment, she goes down. She kisses her belly, then the inside of her legs, and finally her mount. She hasn’t even started licking her clit, but Yasha’s back arches. Beau eventually puts her mouth and tongue where Yasha needs them the most and starts working her up.

She must be doing something good, because suddenly, Yasha’s back arches more and her hand briskly grabs Beau’s hair and roughly pulls it. Beau can’t help a loud moan escape her. Yasha probably feels it as much as she hears it, and in reaction her grip tightens. Beau hums in pleasure and the heat that’s been building between her own legs skyrockets.

But just as she is tempted to slide her own hand into herself, she’s suddenly deprived of the sensation as Yasha lets go of her hair. She immediately stops what she’s doing and looks up.

“Sorry,” Yasha says with a flash of panic in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No, I wanted you to keep doing it.”

“You… You did? It didn’t hurt?”

Beau smiles, her mouth already drenched in Yasha’s own essence. Yasha almost loses it completely when Beau licks her lips, tasting her further. “I told you, I like it. So please, keep doing it. If you’re comfortable with it, of course.”

“Are you sure?”

Beau nods, “I’ll tell you if it gets too much.” She kisses the inside of Yasha’s thigh and then goes back to what she was doing.

A sigh instantly leaves the aasimar’s lips, followed by a long moan. After a while, she puts her hand back into Beau’s hair and takes a handful of it, but she doesn’t pull or do anything.

Beau briefly stops and looks up. “Don’t hold back. Just let it go, I can take it.” She kisses her thigh. “I got you, Yasha.”

The aasimar feels a shiver go through her whole body. Next thing she knows, Beau’s tongue is on her clit again, her back is arching and her hand is pulling. Soon, her other hand lays on Beau’s shoulder blade and she scratches her mercilessly. Beau moans in response and the vibration makes the sensation even better and the pleasure more intense.

A few minutes of this and Yasha is on the edge. She looks down and sees red marks on Beau’s shoulder peeking out from the tears that she had made on her night shirt. She’s the one who did that. She feels panic creeping back, “Beau.”

The monk immediately looks up, and as soon as their eyes meet, Yasha feels her breath get caught in her throat. Beau’s pupils are dilated and her gaze is intense. There is just so much adoration in her eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, Yash. Gods, I love you.”

She resumes, but Yasha doesn’t even need it. The look Beau gave her and her words are enough. Her grip tightens on her hair, her head shoots backward and she lets out a loud moan that resembles a cry as she speaks her lover’s name, “Beau!”

The monk looks up again, taking in the wonderful sight of Yasha coming. But her eyes are suddenly widened. “Holy fuck…”

Yasha’s orgasm is slowly coming to an end and she is still a bit dizzy, but Beau’s voice catches her attention. She looks at her and sees shock on her face. She is about to question her, but as sensations are coming back to her body, she realizes she feels the mattress under her in places she didn’t feel it before. She looks to the left and opens wide eyes when she sees a white immaculate wing. She reflexively looks to the right and of course, she sees a second wing. "What the hell?"

"Holy fuck," Beau says again, unironically. "Did…  _ that _ ever happen before?"

“N-No, it’s the first time. I’m…” She sits up. “I’m sorry.” She tries to bring her wings closer to her as they are completely unfolded at the moment, but the panic makes her clumsy and the two limbs just flap with chaotic movements.

“Hey, Yasha. It’s okay, don’t freak out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be, it’s fine. Calm down, everything’s fine.” Beau leaps up to smother Yasha in a hug, her presence startling at first, but eventually Yasha calms down a little. After a bit, as if by thought alone, the wings slowly envelop them. “Heh. Your wish was granted.”

Yasha lets out a shaky chuckle, recalling the scrapped poem. Beau can feel she is still a bit tense. “Are you okay? How do you feel?”

“I’m not sure. Not as bad as I thought I would, I guess.”

“That’s a start.”

A moment passes, and Yasha slowly moves her wings. Flying is one thing, but maneuvering these two massive limbs in a closed room is another. With a lot of precaution, she manages to actually completely envelop them both, so that nothing around them is visible, except white feathers. “Look.”

Beau keeps her arms around Yasha’s neck, but she looks up and gasps as she watches in awe.

Yasha is delighted by her reaction and a thin smile forms on her face. “It reminds me of the snow in Eiselcross. It looks like the inside of the shelter Dagen made for us on the first night, doesn't it?”

Beau nods, “It does.”

Yasha stares at Beau while she is still looking at the wings. “How does it feel?”

“It feels amazing.” Beau looks down at Yasha and her eyes are full of the same adoration she saw in them earlier. “ _ You’re _ amazing.”

Yasha can’t help but smile. And she’s still smiling as just when the wings fade, she falls backward from exhaustion, still holding Beau in her arms. “Thank you. I think… I’ll sleep well tonight.”

Beau’s about to reciprocate and say that she’s welcome, but the words die down as she sees Yasha’s eyes close and she’s out cold, followed by her steady breathing. Instead, she hovers over her and kisses her forehead.

As Beau stands up after removing herself from her sleeping lover’s form, she takes one more look at her… before her face hardens. She needs to get rid of this godsdamned curse once and for all. She knows she can find a breakthrough. She has to.

As tempting as it is to just slip back to bed with her, Beau instead turns back to her notes, taking care to close the bedroom door gently and quietly but not before stealing one last glance at Yasha.

_ Good night, my darling angel. _

Beau closes the door and returns to her studies.

* * *

A rapid rapping of knocks hits Caleb’s door. He immediately wakes up, but waits, hoping it was only coming from his dreams. Another round of knocks convince him someone is actually at his door. He struggles with the sheets, gets up, and goes to the door. Upon opening it, he sees a completely manic Beauregard Lionett who looks like she hasn’t slept in days, or just hours. Yet she’s already fully clothed and equipped and ready to move out.

“Beauregard? What time is it?”

“No idea. You’re the one who knows this usually.”

“Well, apparently my brain doesn’t work very well when someone wakes me up in the middle of the night.”

“It’s morning already. But it’s probably very early, I’ll give you that. I need you to take me to Zadash and Rosohna.”

Caleb almost has to do a double-take in response. “Now?”

“As soon as possible,” Beau affirms with a look of desperation in her eyes. Desperation and… perhaps a little insanity.

“I can guess who you want to see there, but why do you suddenly need to see them?”

“I reviewed my notes and I think I found something. I need to speak with Dairon and Essek, see if I’m right, although I wish I’m not for once.”

Caleb frowns, “What do you mean?”

“I’ll explain when my theory is confirmed, if it is. So, can you take me?”

“Sure. Just give me a moment to freshen up and get prepared.”

“We don’t have to go right now.”

He is about to go back inside his room, but he stops and pivots back. “I know what ‘as soon as possible’ means when it comes from you.”

Beau doesn’t take offense. She grins, knowing very well that her friend is only teasing her. “Thank you. I’ll wait for you in the entrance hall. I’ll even leave a note for the others, to let them know where we are, but I don’t want to tell them what we’re doing and that I might have found something. Not yet. It’s just… I’m terrified of what I’ll find out.”

He stares at her and takes a deep breath. “Okay. Choice is yours, we’ll do as you decide.”

She nods, “Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

He puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it. “I’ll be here shortly,” and he goes back inside and closes the door. Beau sighs and nervously makes her way to the hall.

A couple of hours end up passing since leaving Nicodranas and arriving in the Valley Archive. Beau and Caleb spend their time talking with Dairon about Beau’s theory and hitting the books there. When they’re done, Caleb takes them to Rosohna. They couldn’t warn Essek of their arrival, since they couldn’t tell Jester, but when the guards of the Lucid Bastion turn around they are immediately greeted by the sight of Beau flashing the symbol currently hanging around her neck in anticipation of this moment. They bow their heads and let them pass without issue.

When they arrive at Essek’s mansion, Caleb goes first. The drow looks surprised when he opens the door, even more so when he sees Beau as she is now, far different from when they last saw each other.

“Caleb. Beauregard. I’m sorry, I didn’t know we were supposed to meet today.”

“No,  _ we’re _ sorry,” Caleb says with an apologetic expression. “You’re right, we weren’t supposed to come today. But we need you.”

Essek stares at him and easily notices his serious tone. He slowly floats to the side and motions, “Please, come in.”

They both step in and he closes the door. Beau awkwardly waves. “Hey, Essek.”

“Beauregard. I haven’t seen--” Essek begins to say, before suddenly feeling caught off guard by what he literally just heard. “Sorry, it’s been a while since I heard your voice, face-to-face. Well… I suppose I’m glad to hear from you again.” He shakes his head. “No, I  _ am _ glad to hear you again.”

Beau shakes her head, if a bit reluctantly. “Well… I should be thanking you. I caught on to what you were telling me. It actually helped, so… thanks, I suppose.” She then glares at him, though not with the usual intensity reserved for a man like him. “Don’t think we’re a hundred percent cool now.”

“I wasn’t going to assume,” Essek admits. “But for all it’s worth, I am glad you’re back to being yourself again.”

At that, Beau gives a confident smug grin. “That, and then some.” She looks at Caleb. “I’ve always wanted to do this. Hey! Essek! Look!”

She snaps her fingers and, almost like she is a reflection rippling on the surface of water, her whole outer appearance starts to undulate like an optical illusion before eventually subsiding and in the place of an Expositor of the Cobalt Soul, there’s…

“Look at me! I’m the Bright Queen! Praise be to the Luxon!” Beau shouts in a rather cringy way, her voice but the visage of Leylas Kryn, the umavi of the Dynasty herself, perfectly replicated through the use of  _ Disguise Self _ .

Essek’s reaction is a mixture of surprise, shock and panic. He looks at Caleb, apparently seeking help, and the wizard shrugs. “We discovered just yesterday that she had apparently picked up on some of our knowledge during our working sessions. She wanted me to teach her a spell last night, so I did. This one seemed useful.”

“I-I see,” Essek stutters. “Maybe don’t play that kind of game here, though. As impressive as your self-taught abilities are, I’m not sure the Bright Queen or the dens would enjoy that kind of performance.”

Beau snaps her fingers again and her form shimmers back to normal, though even she couldn’t ignore that Essek’s shoulders were shaking with stifled laughter despite himself.

“I wasn’t being that serious about it, Thelyss. Just wanted to demonstrate, that’s all.” Her grin widens a bit more. “That said, I wouldn’t be caught dead trying to impersonate her. Better someone else than your Empress. I’m not that stupid.”

“Never said you were!” Essek stammers before Caleb summons Frumpkin to wrap around the Shadowhand’s neck. The fey cat does kitty biscuits on Caleb’s telepathic command.

“Relax. We’re here for more important matters. Beauregard, as she said, just wanted to demonstrate.”

“We need a book from you,” Beau said matter-of-factly.

“I think you already read all of my books in the past weeks.”

“Oh yeah, Caleb definitely read this book. But  _ I _ need to check something. I went back to my notes last night, and there was something referring to one of your tomes, something Caleb told me about. Would you let me have a look?”

“Sure. Follow me.” As they make their way to Essek’s laboratory, he looks at Beau. “Should I understand you found a lead on how to break the curse?”

“Maybe. As I said, I need to check something.”

They enter the laboratory and the three of them sit down at the table. Beau explains her theory, like she did earlier with Dairon, and they discuss it. They spend the better part of the day going through her notes, Caleb and Essek’s own research, and all of the drow's books.

Caleb knows it’s getting late and they will have to go back to Nicodranas soon. “We’ve been pouring over these old tomes for hours. Beauregard, are you certain of this?”

“Caleb, you were the one who claimed that Essek had a companion volume,” she groans, still very sleep-deprived. She’s definitely regretting staying up all night, but she can’t help it. It’s both drive and desperation that is motivating her. “You are supposed to have photographic memory, but you can’t remember a simple title.”

“I already told you, it  _ had _ no title. I just figured it was related to your book because it was treating the same subjects, but the title had been wiped out. These books are old, like  _ really _ old.”

“So you led her here on a wild goose chase?” Essek frowns and stares at Caleb. “Are you trying to help her, or are you just making excuses?”

Caleb slams the book he’s reading shut and glares. “I’m sorry, Essek, but things have been rather difficult lately and--“

“Oh my gods...”

The squabbling of the wizards halts immediately upon hearing Beau’s muttering. They see her going over a book.  _ The  _ book, Caleb realizes at last, that he knew existed. “You found it?”

“Yeah. Here it is: the account of the Heartsbane. I can even see an illustration of the dagger. Let’s take a closer look.” Beau returns to her book dive, scanning the old and weathered pages for anything new or noticeable as the two mages look on. Occasionally she hands it to Caleb to memorize for the tower later, as Beau also takes her own notes for future reference while flipping through the pages.

And there… on a page of the second volume showing rather haunting illustrations of the fiend and the dagger and other, disturbingly fucked up imagery… is the clue that she’d been seeking all this time, a key to the solution, the confirmation of her assumptions that had been percolating in her sleep-deprived brain.

And yet… it feels like the punchline to a cruel joke.

And the only laughter she gives is one of irony and self-deprecation.

If she wasn’t exhausted before… she damn well is now.

“You gotta be shitting me...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! Beau multiclassed to artificer in this fic. A hell of a way to reveal it, but… yeah. In this story, she took the Guidance and Magic Stone cantrips, and she subconsciously ended up having Faerie Fire and Cure Wounds, and she can now use Disguise Self! FINALLY!
> 
> Not quite the “normal one” anymore, but hey, she can use these new tools of hers to make her abilities better.
> 
> As for the solution to defeating the Heartsbane... it's about to cut even deeper, right to the "heart" of the matter...


	19. I Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge/Of how much to give and how much to take  
> And I'll use you as a warning sign/That if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind  
> And I'll use you as a focal point/So I don’t lose sight of what I want  
> And I've moved further than I thought I could/But I missed you more than I thought I would  
> Oh, and I found love where it wasn't supposed to be/Right in front of me, talk some sense to me  
> And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be/Right in front of me, talk some sense to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truths unwanted can no longer remain unspoken. It's time to face the facts. Even if they are agonizing to accept.
> 
> TW: Mentions of suicide, albeit brief.

A couple days have passed since Beau and Caleb visited Essek. Life goes on. The Mighty Nein are still waiting for Dairon to give them approval to finally take action against the Cerberus Assembly and as they wait, they are all starting to get restless and impatient. They want to take the Assembly down. Once and for all.

Beau is training alone this day. Fjord seemed particularly motivated, probably because Jester had complimented his chest muscles the day before, but this was one of the rare times where Beau denied him. She wanted to be alone for once.

She is on the beach, running, making pushups, running again, making sit ups, running again, making burpees. The sand makes her efforts even harder and feeling her muscles begging for rest makes her feel good. It gives her something to focus on other than the information that has been tormenting her for days now. She had been looking for it for weeks, but now that she has it, she almost wishes she never found out.

The scorching heat is weighing on her. She’s been training for the better part of the morning and it’s close to noon. She wipes the sweat from her face. She feels it stinging her eyes. But even that sting pales in comparison with the knowledge that, one way or another, she’ll have to tell them. But it’s something she is definitely not looking forward to sharing with them.

Yasha most of all.

She gets to the point where her muscles don’t respond anymore, and in the middle of her jogging, her knee buckles and she stumbles down. She clenches her fists, “Fuck...” She angrily hits the ground, but all she earns is sand in her eyes. “Fuck!”

She waves her hands and rubs them on her pants to get rid of the sand, and then she covers her eyes. She refrains from rubbing them, as she knows it would only make it worse. Instead, she reaches for her waterskin and splashes a bit of cold liquid over her face. She then reaches for her knee and, like she did for Yasha before, casts  _ Cure Wounds _ and the pain subsides. It’s still a very new sensation to her, having a smidgen of magic, but it’s also a comfort to her.

She sits down, facing the ocean. She gets into a meditative position, rests her hands on her knees, closes her eyes, and tries to regulate her breathing that was rendered short from her training and sudden loss of nerve. She forces herself to breathe in and out slowly and regularly, trying to summon the feeling of peace she'd found when she meditated here for the very first time, when they had just arrived and were discovering the Menagerie Coast.

She feels the sun on the back of her neck and the warm wind on her sweaty face. She hears the waves and the seagulls. She feels the hot sand underneath her. Her breathing is slow now as she tries to remember some of Dairon’s teachings, and her mentor’s voice resonates in her mind.

**_“Listen. Be patient. Stay alive.”_ **

She keeps her focus on the sound of the waves. They are hitting the shore in rhythm and it helps her regulate her chaotic emotions.

Yet all it takes to shatter her calm… is a distant sound of thunder, and images creep into her mind. Images of Yasha, from losing her in the King’s Cage, to yearning to hear a storm that never came for two long months, to seeing her dead eyes above her with a sword inside her, to seeing her rage against Thoreau… and many other, smaller moments.

She keeps her straight sitting position, but she opens her eyes.

_ I have to tell her. Today. Stop being a coward, Beau. _

She hears a sound, and at first she thinks it’s the wind, but she quickly realizes this is something else entirely.

“Meow?” It’s Henriette from inside her satchel. Beau turns to where she put it earlier and stands up to go there.

“The sun is getting too much, even for you, right?”

Henriette meows and Beau interprets the intonation as an approbation. “We should head back. Come on.”

She grabs her satchel and puts it over her shoulder, and almost immediately, she feels Henriette wiggling inside. She opens it. “You wanna come out?”

The cat answers with a long meow, and Beau takes her in her arms and starts walking. Henriette doesn’t stay in her arms very long. As perilous as it is for a blind cat, she climbs up her torso and wraps around her neck.

“Don’t you think it’s hot enough already?”

Henriette purrs in place of an answer and Beau can’t help smiling as she scratches her furry chin. “You’re too cute, it’s not fair. Alright, stay here if you want, I guess.”

The cat’s purr gets louder and Beau chuckles as she is making her way toward the city.

* * *

Clara takes the afternoon with TJ to find a preceptor for him, as he is getting old enough to start learning basics. She was hesitant at first when she started evoking the possibility a few days ago, as she has no income herself and she can’t count on Thoreau anymore, but Beau promised she would pay for anything they might need. Veth is spending the day with her family, and Caleb is with Yussa to work on gods know what.

The rest of the Nein are left at the Lavish Chateau for the afternoon with nothing to do. Marion will perform in the evening, but for now, it’s the middle of the day and there’s not much to do. Fjord suggested taking a walk on the beach, but the exceptional heat discouraged everybody. That, and Beau was not keen on another coastal jog.

So they are hanging in Jester’s room, hoping something will miraculously drop on them to help pass the time. They are all half asleep, knocked out by the heat, when Jester suddenly jumps to her feet.

“Guys! I know what we can do!”

Beau is the quickest to react. Boredom is her worst enemy. “What? Steal the porn books your mother refused to let us read?”

“No! Something much more fun. We should bake!”

Caduceus wakes up just like an undead rising from the grave. “Baking sounds great.”

Fjord seems quite enthusiastic, “Sure, why not.”

Jester looks at Beau and Yasha, “What do you think, guys?”

The monk shrugs, “I was hoping for something with more action, but that’ll do.”

The aasimar speaks with a deadpan expression, “Okay, but I only eat baked goods with insects in them.”

They all stare at her.

“That was a joke.”

They pause for a moment and then all laugh, except Caduceus who is apparently trying to figure out where the joke lies. Shortly after, they are in the Chateau’s kitchens. Jester doesn’t have to discuss long to convince the cook to let them use the equipment.

In a matter of minutes, she has put all sorts of ingredients and utensils on the counter and the kitchen is a mess. She starts giving orders to her friends and soon, it is obvious that she doesn’t follow any kind of recipe and just bakes with instinct. Easily the most dangerous kind of culinary chaos, yet still on brand for Jester Lavorre. They all anxiously glance at each other when she is not watching, but they would be lying if they said they didn’t find it at least a bit funny and endearing. They try to talk Jester down from preparing each one dough and she agrees to do only three.

They get to work and make sure to follow her instructions. None of them have a desire to be yelled at the way Fjord was when he had the audacity to suggest they leave for Eiselcross without her new outfit.

It’s fortunate that the whole gang is not here, because they slip a few times and get out of task, and it would surely be worse if Veth and Caleb were here too. Fjord is by far the funniest to mess with, and he ends up with a lot of flour in his beard, which he spends an insane amount of time grooming every day.

They are done and now they have to taste the three batters. They are all different and all benefited from Jester’s imagination to be created, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they will be good, which doesn’t encourage the cooks to taste their preparations. Of course, Beau and Fjord get into childish bickering to decide who should go first. In the meantime, Caduceus tries the one he helped create. He managed to convince Jester to put spices in this one. He uses a wooden spoon to take a bit of dough.

He smiles, “I think it’s quite good.”

Jester is ecstatic, “Let me try!” She takes the wooden spoon from him and tastes. “Caduceus, it’s delicious!”

“I’m glad you like it.”

Beau stands next to the tiefling, “Give me the spoon, Jessie.”

She takes the utensil and she is about to lick it when Yasha puts her elbow on her shoulder and goes in the bowl directly with her index finger.

“Yasha, come on!” Fjord protests.

“It’s okay, I washed my hands when we started baking.”

“Still!”

“It’s no better than us all licking the same spoon.” The aasimar puts her finger into her mouth.

Meanwhile, Beau has remained completely motionless. The spoon is still in her hand, but she hasn’t tasted the dough yet. She watches as Yasha licks her finger and her brain instantly short circuits, plain and simple. She thinks it can’t get worse than this, until Yasha lets out a low moan that Beau is probably the only one close enough to hear.

“You’re right, Jester, it’s delicious. I don’t understand how you do this Caduceus, it’s crazy.”

The firbolg looks concerned, “Thank you, but does… does she do that often?”

Yasha, Fjord and Jester all look at Beau when he points at her. She is still staring at Yasha and that’s only when the attention of everyone is on her that she finally reacts, “What?”

Fjord can’t choose between shock and amusement. “Are you having a seizure or  _ what _ ?”

“What?” Beau repeats in confusion.

“You  _ fucking _ zoned out. Are you alright?”

Caduceus is lost like he often is, but Jester grins devilishly. “You were looking at Yasha just like some clients look at my mother sometimes.”

Yasha instantly turns red and looks down. Beau looks from Yasha to Jester, back and forth. “No. No, I wasn’t.”

“Yeah, you totally were.” Jester says with a giggle.

Fjord’s green skin gets darker, which is the equivalent of a blush for him, “Oh. Oh, shit.”

Caduceus tries to figure out what is happening just by staring at them one by one. “I-I don’t get it. What do you mean, like some clients look at your mother. I don’t get it.”

Jester’s grin widens, “Well, you see, my--”

Fjord panics, “No, it’s okay, no need to explain. He will figure it out, he is smart.”

“I’m really not.”

“Just give it time, Deucey, you will get it.”

Jester chuckles, “It’s funny.”

Fjord frowns, “What’s funny?”

“You two are both followers of the Wildmother, and you are always the slowest to understand these things. Do you think it’s a coincidence?”

While Fjord starts protesting, Beau puts the spoon down and takes Yasha’s hand. “Come on.” She leads her toward the door, blatantly acting as if nothing had happened.

“Hey! Where are you two going?”

Beau stops and turns to look at Fjord. “I need some fresh air, my brain ran out of oxygen. You know, the  _ seizure _ and everything.”

Jester puts her hands on her hips, clearly upset. “But we still haven’t baked the pastries!”

“Well, there are three bowls, and look! There are three of you. One for each, perfect.” She turns around and starts making her way out of the kitchens, still holding Yasha’s hand. She hears her friends protest, but she ignores them.

“Beau, where are you taking us?”

“You’ll see.”

Beau takes them at the reception. An employee, who she talked to a few times, is here. “Hi, sorry to bother you, but it seems there was an incident in the kitchens.”

The employee immediately looks worried. “What kind of incident?”

“We were baking and we may or may not have set the oven on fire. And even if we haven't… chances are Jester might do that. You know how… 'bold' she likes to be.”

“What?! Oh my gods!”

The employee doesn’t ask for any precision and runs straight to the kitchens. Seeing an opening, Beau releases Yasha’s hand and goes around the counter.

“Beau, what are you doing?” Yasha nervously looks around.

The monk stands in front of the board where all the room keys are hanging. “Well, I bet they’re all lavish anyway.” She turns and grins, proud of her pun, but Yasha is not smiling.

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“Come on, Yash. We’ll just have a little fun.”

“We could get into trouble.”

“Well, that’s part of the fun.”

Yasha crosses her arms.

“Remember what you said about wanting me to take the lead? That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t trying to encourage you to commit crime.”

Beau rolls her eyes. “Crime. I think we’re far from that. No one will know we took a room.”

“Beau. If you want to go upstairs we can, but we already have a room that Marion made available just for us.”

“Oh, come on! Isn’t it exciting to take a random room instead of our own?”

Yasha doesn’t answer, but Beau can see she wants to agree.

“We’re not hurting anyone.”

Yasha remains silent.

“I know you want to do it, I can see it on your face. So? Which one?” She playfully runs her fingers over the keys.

Yasha resists a little longer, but she finally gives up. “Nine.”

“Nine it is.” Beau takes the key. “Come on, before he comes back!”

Yasha can’t hide her grin as they run away. They climb the stairs two by two and giggle like teenage girls, but they stop abruptly when they come face to face with Bluud.

The minotaur has his arms folded on his chest. “What are you two doing here? I thought Jester took you baking.”

Beau hid the key as soon as she saw him and he didn't seem to notice. Yasha clears her throat, “Beau doesn’t feel well, she’s going to lay down for a bit. I came with her in case she would need anything.”

He eyes them suspiciously. They wait anxiously until he steps to the side without a word. They pass him and walk a bit before looking over their shoulder. He is back to his initial position and is not paying attention. They both sneak inside the room, unnoticed.

As soon as they are inside, Yasha lets out a deep sigh. She is about to celebrate their successful infiltration, as meaningless as it might seem, but when she turns to face Beau, her girlfriend immediately pulls her into a kiss. She gladly responds and when they stop, they are both panting a bit.

“Wow. You took me by surprise.”

“What did you think we were coming here for?”

“That’s what I thought we would do, I’m just not used to seeing you take the lead.”

“And?” Beau suddenly seems hesitant. “Do you like it?”

“Very much.”

Beau grins and it’s clear this statement reassures her and gives her a boost of confidence. “Did you do it on purpose? Back at the kitchen, I mean.”

“I didn’t. But I’m glad it turned out the way it did.”

“It’s maddening how hot you are without even trying.”

She traces Yasha’s chin and jawline with the tip of her fingers and then cups her face. Yasha slightly turns her head to the side, just enough to take her thumb into her mouth. She looks her right in the eye as she licks the tip of it and then sucks it. Beau is instantly aroused. She feels all her muscles tense.

“Fuck. Beau, your eyes.”

“What’s with my eyes?” Her voice has dropped. It’s even lower than usual.

“Your pupils. It’s insane.”

“Do you like it?”

Yasha is momentarily breathless. “I love it.”

“It’s all you. You drive me crazy.”

Beau pulls Yasha closer and kisses her. She doesn’t lose time and licks her upper lip. Soon, it’s all tongues and teeth. Beau scratches Yasha’s scalp and then grabs a handful of her hair. The aasimar moans into her mouth and she feels it reverberates in her whole body.

“Fuck." Beau pants as she backs off, now her turn to be breathless. "I love it when you moan like that, babe. I could listen to it for the rest of my days and never get tired of it.”

Yasha is surprised by the pet name. She is not used to it, but she quite likes it. She really likes it, in fact. It turns her on. She is just as surprised at Beau's behavior right now; she is not so open and honest usually. It’s a bit unsettling, but Yasha loves this version of her that she is discovering for the first time.

Beau nips at her collarbone and she moans in response. The monk then licks her way up her neck and kisses her right behind the ear, which grants her another whine. She gently tugs at her tunic. “Can I get rid of this?” She feels Yasha nod and takes the cloth off.

Yasha spontaneously takes her shoes off. When she is done, she is about to get rid of her pants too, but Beau puts her hands on her. “Let me take care of it.”

Yasha agrees with a nod. Beau undoes the corset and belt and slowly brings Yasha’s pants down. She knows very well Yasha doesn’t wear underwear, but it gets her every time. She feels the heat that has been building up between her legs turn into a blaze. Yasha steps out of her pants.

Beau is in awe. She strokes Yasha’s muscular thighs. “You have such a nice body.”

She kisses her leg in several places and then brushes her lips on her skin as she goes back up. Yasha shivers when she feels her warm breath directly onto her skin. Beau stands up and looks her in the eye.

“Lay on the bed.”

Yasha swallows the lump in her throat. Fuck, she loves this new Beau. So she does as told. She can  _ feel _ Beau’s stare on her as she walks. It’s suffocating. She sits at the end of the bed and then crawls backward a bit to lay on the bed with her head on the pillows.

Beau comes and stands at the end of the bed. Yasha can see her muscles are tense, and yet, her posture is relaxed. Her face is focused. She looks exactly like she does when she is about to go into battle.

“You’re so beautiful, baby.”

Yasha quivers. It shouldn’t be possible, but Beau’s voice has dropped again. And she didn’t think she would be into this kind of names, but she definitely is. She is quite flustered, but she tries to stop her voice from trembling. “I’d like to see you too.”

In place of an answer, Beau takes off her tunic and jerkin, followed in short order by her breast band. Yasha upon seeing her softly gasps as her eyes stop on her scar and stare for a moment. She takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself. She needs to focus on something else.

It’s not long before Beau is done. She is completely naked now and Yasha takes the opportunity to look elsewhere. Numerous, maybe countless bites and slashes and burns accumulated within just the year they’d spent traveling together, each sight bringing back memories both good and not so good. The faded acidic burns from the troll in the swamp, the larger tooth marks from their battle with the albino tyrannosaurus on Rumblecusp, patterns resembling lightning bolts across her lean arms, and that’s just the more notable occurrences she recalls from their time together. All in all, much like Mollymauk, Beauregard’s entire body is like a work of art, a canvas. And much like her own still-fledgling talent at telling tales via music, Beau’s scars tell a story all their own. A story of a survivor.

And yet, one such scar more than anything makes that painfully clear. The taint that she left on an otherwise flawless piece. And that taint is practically in her face right now, as she tries to continue to avert her gaze, knowing she’s unworthy to look upon it.

“Yasha. Look at me.” Beau says to her in a calm, yet chastising tone.

“I  _ am _ looking at you.”

The tone of her voice becomes less calm. “Don’t play dumb with me. You’re always watching, right? Then look at me.  _ All _ of me.”

She can see Yasha’s jaw clench as she forces herself to look down. She stares and after just a few seconds, Beau can tell her gaze is not quite as focused as before.

“Yasha. You’re looking away again.”

Beau makes sure she stares at her scar a little longer. She then climbs onto the bed and crawls to Yasha, who immediately looks at her face. Beau grabs her face, her grip soft and firm at the same time.

“You said you wanted me to take the lead, right?”

Yasha silently nods.

“Don’t expect me to take charge if you can’t even look at that  _ fucking _ scar.”

She slightly weighs on Yasha and presses her against the mattress. She is now sitting with her arm outstretched, her hand still holding Yasha down, her back straight, her chest completely uncovered. The aasimar opens her mouth, but there's no sound to be heard.

“I want you to look at it.”

Yasha still freezes up, still hesitant. Beau pokes her in the arm.

“Stop beating yourself over it, or I swear I’ll kick your ass again.”

She’d never actually gotten a good look at it before, except when she was forced to watch as her sword pierced Beau’s torso. She’d observed Beau. A lot. But she had never really observed her scar. She had always been too scared to do it.

“ _ Please _ .”

Yasha’s breathing slows upon hearing Beau's voice being so gentle, the aasimar completely unaware that she was hyperventilating. It slows and slows until she can feel her heartbeat in a much more natural pace. Then she finally,  _ finally _ takes one good, long look at it.

There is one long and wide line running all along Beau’s sternum and a bit lower, a second line dead center no doubt caused by the Heartsbane. She can’t even imagine how painful it must have been when her rusty greatsword cracked her bone and then slashed her organs, or even in her own dream against the fiend that made her life hell for weeks on end. The impact from Skingorger in particular was so violent that tiny scars formed, deriving from the bigger one. The pain must have been excruciating.

But Beau is clearly fine now, right? She is breathing, she is alive. She can move freely, no pain or aftereffect disabling her. There’s only these scars left. She finally sees that the one she had left has long since healed, yet the one still relatively fresh from the Heartsbane looked rough as hell yet clearly it no longer looked painful.

**_“You need to see that I’m not fragile.”_ **

Yasha thinks back to what Beau herself had said, when they had their “therapy spat”, and she easily gets a hold of herself and eases her grip on her. Beau suddenly fears she might not be able to take it. She thinks she is about to completely push her off of her, but she does the last thing she was expecting from her. She sits up, puts her hands on the small of Beau’s back to bring her closer and gently kisses her chest, right where the scar is. Beau’s breath gets caught in her throat. The kiss is so soft and tender.

Yasha stays still. When she ends the kiss, she puts her hand flat over the scar. Warm energy radiates into Beau’s chest and she inhales sharply. She didn’t need healing, but she knows this is not why Yasha did it. She needed it for herself, to make sure once and for all that Beau was alright.

Yasha gasps as she feels familiar, smaller arms embrace her and sees tears fall down on Beau’s chest. She looks up to realize that it’s not Beau who is crying.  _ She herself  _ is. And she should feel distraught, but she feels relieved that these tears are her own this time, with no doubt. She can cry freely and know that no one is controlling her and forcing her to hurt her beloved.

A sob escapes her and Beau kisses the top of her head. “You’re okay, Yasha. We both are.”

Yasha’s tears flow once more as she continues to kiss the scar and Beau’s arms tighten around her, the weight of her head atop her own helping to keep her rampant emotions grounded. It was such a loving gesture, one she hadn’t felt in so long. Yasha was never more glad to be right in how she saw her beloved, that she most definitely “loved so fiercely”.

She looks up and silently asks for a kiss that Beau gladly gives her. She brings her hands up on Beau’s blade bones and pulls her down with her as she lays back onto the pillows. For several minutes, they just stay into each other’s arms and kiss.

After a while, Beau rests on her hands and pushes herself up. “How do you feel?”

“Better.”

“Do you want to keep going?”

Yasha smiles sheepishly. “I killed the mood, I’m sorry.”

Beau gives her another look. “Don’t you dare apologize. This is a big step forward, and I’m proud of you. And… I know Zuala is proud of you, too.”

Yasha cries a bit more, but they’re tears of joy, and Beau can tell that they are; she’s cried so many tears herself all her life to know which is which.

“I didn’t think hearing you say her name like you just did would feel so good. I think she’d really like you, you know. If she were still here.”

Beau can’t help but chuckle. “I’m sure she would’ve swept me off my feet just as much. I mean, she somehow got  _ you _ to fall for her, so...”

Yasha shrugs. “I won’t argue with that.”

There is a short silence during which they stare at each other.

Yasha’s voice turns into a whisper, “I thought I was too damaged to love again, that I could never love again because it’d be a betrayal to her. But I was lying to myself and I couldn’t accept that. And then I met a certain someone.”

She takes a breath and her stare intensifies, in a manner that takes Beau’s breath away. “That someone was you, Beauregard Lionett. And Ioun and Kord be my witnesses, I love you so much.”

Beau smiles so brightly it could blind even the Dawn Father if she tried. “I thought I would never be loved, let alone wanted. Friends are one thing, and even Tori was another thing entirely… But nothing like this. I never thought I’d get to have this, or even deserve this. I fought like hell and went through hell to get it, to get you back into my life. Not even the Chained Oblivion could keep you away from me. And for what it’s worth, Yasha Nydoorin… you were always worth the fucking chase.”

They share a smile, looking into each other’s eyes, and then kiss and cuddle for a while, until they fall asleep.

* * *

In the meantime, Jester, Fjord and Caduceus are still in the kitchens. They know very well what Beau and Yasha must be doing, to the point where even Caduceus has figured it out by now. They just put the pastries into the oven and they’re now waiting for them to be baked.

They chat until the conversation naturally comes to an end. Jester crosses her arms on her chest and takes a pensive face. “I wish I could know what they’re up to.”

Fjord raises his eyebrows with a skeptical look. “We know very well what they’re doing.”

“But I want to be sure,” she complains with protest in her voice. “Maybe I could scry on one of them.”

“No! Absolutely not! Jester, what the hell? This is borderline voyeurism. Give them space.”

Caduceus nods, “I have to agree with Fjord. Even if I find all your shenanigans very entertaining, there are limits that shouldn’t be crossed. And besides… you know very well what they’ve had to deal with all this time..”

Jester seems a bit upset, but she doesn’t push it. “M’okay… Maybe you’re right.”

“Besides,” Fjord clears his throat, “the last thing I want to do is get either of them pissed off. You know how strict Beau gets, and how protective Yasha gets. Let’s not tempt fate, for once. Please, Jessie?”

Jester pretends a bit longer, but she can’t help the flustered smile that grows on her lips. And just like that, she kisses him on the cheek and rests her head on his shoulder.

Caduceus suddenly seems more alert. He raises his head and his ears slightly move. “Speaking of Yasha....”

Fjord and Jester throw him intrigued looks, until the sound he’d perceived right before them gets to their own ears. A low rumble of thunder makes them look up, even if they are inside. Jester immediately stands straight, her head leaving Fjord’s shoulder. “A storm? It was sunny just this morning.”

She walks out of the kitchens and Caduceus and Fjord meekly follow her. She goes to the closest window and looks outside. The sky is indeed turning gray and clouds are piling up on the horizons. She looks at her two friends. “We should really check on them.”

Fjord seems to lose patience, “Jester, why won’t you let it go?”

“I’m serious, Fjord! You know what happened last time Yasha summoned a storm. Something’s wrong.”

Caduceus comes to the window and he looks outside. “Storms don’t necessarily mean there is a danger of any kind.” He turns to Jester. “She might be agitated, but not angry or anything.”

“And besides, didn’t Yasha say before that it wasn’t  _ her _ that does this?” Fjord points out.

Caduceus nods, “The storms don’t come directly from her. She doesn’t summon them, she doesn’t have that kind of power. Well, not that I know.”

Another roll of thunder makes them all look out the window, but it’s still low and steady, not actually threatening. Caduceus remains very calm, “The Stormlord might be reacting to her emotional state, or something happening to her. But he doesn’t seem angry.”

“You two are not worried?” Jester asks, a bit shocked. “Not in the slightest?”

They both shake their heads.

“What’s wrong with you? Did the Wildmother brainwash you or what? This usually happens when she leaves! She said she wouldn’t leave us again. Oh gods, what if she and Beau had a fight, and she’s packing up to leave right now? What if… what if… what if--”

Fjord puts a soothing hand on her shoulder, “Calm down, Jester. Look,” he points out at the gray sky, where lightning can be seen, but only in the distance, far away from the city. “The last two storms in Kamordah and Zadash were much worse than this one. And you’ve grown here, you know the ocean brings sudden storms sometimes. I’m sure everything’s fine.”

“No! I won’t know until I see for myself.” Then, almost literally like magic, Jester vanishes from Fjord’s grasp. The slippery sapphire had just used  _ Dimension Door _ to get away.

“Really?” Fjord lets out in a pissed voice.

“What’s the matter here? Where did Jester just go?”

Caduceus and Fjord turn in unison and see Veth just entering the Chateau and walking in their direction. Yeza and Luc are with her, as well as Caleb.

“And what’s with the weather? It was sunny and these clouds came from nowhere.”

Fjord sighs, “Jester thinks the storm comes from Yasha and she’s worried Beau and she might have had a fight and she’s leaving us again.”

Caleb raises his eyebrows, “All this based on a storm that might be natural?”

Caduceus clears his throat, “To be fair, I really don’t think it’s a natural storm. But I don’t think there is anything to be worried about either.”

Fjord sighs again, “Alright, let’s find Jester, or Beau and Yasha.”

They go to the performance hall and Veth turns to Yeza, “Could you please wait at the bar with Luc? We’ll be back shortly.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Thanks, honey,” she gives him a kiss and runs to catch up with her friends.

Right as they reach the stairs leading to the upper floor, Jester emerges at the top of them. “Guys! Bluud saw them earlier. Come on!”

They join her at the top of the stairs and the minotaur eyes them. “They said Beau didn’t feel well and Yasha was staying with her in case she needed something. I figured it must be a lie, but I let it slip.” He shrugs and turns to Jester, “They’re your friends.”

They’re not sure what this statement is supposed to mean, but Jester doesn’t seem to mind. She concentrates, mutters an incantation and traces patterns with her hands, and they recognize the components of  _ Locate Creature _ . After a short moment, she turns to the group, “I got Yasha. Come on.”

They start walking down the hallway, and after passing just a few doors, Jester stops in front of the one with the number nine on it. They all grin.

“Oh man, I’ve got such great pranks to pull on them. How about you, Veth?”

A mischievous smile appears on the halfling’s face. Fjord is happy to see Jester has relaxed a bit, probably because there are no screams coming out of the room. However, he clears his throat, “Why don’t we check on them first, like you wanted to do? Then, we’ll discuss the possibility of pranking them.”

“Fuck that! I’m getting revenge for all the times they tried to ignore us!” Veth just reaches for the door before anyone can stop her.

But any thoughts of pranking or the usual debauchery that comes with being part of the Chaos Crew, or just as a follower of Artagan, are completely silenced in Jester’s mind as she sees the scene in front of her. In fact, they all abruptly stop and gape.

Beau and Yasha are laying down on the bed, eyes closed and apparently sleeping, almost completely naked as the sheets are only partially covering them, due to the heat of the current day. But what gives them pause… is the expressions on their faces. Long, dried-out tears, and the most peaceful smiles they had ever seen from them both in a very long time.

Yasha’s head is resting on Beau’s chest, raising and falling in rhythm with the monk’s breathing. It doesn’t escape Jester’s notice, or even that of Caduceus, that her ear is placed right over the scar. Because of course that would be where she’d listen for it. They hear a rumble of thunder, but it hasn’t picked up. It’s still as low and steady as before, almost like the lulling sound of waves crashing on the shore.

There is a detail that Caduceus knows he is probably the only one to notice, but he doesn’t comment on it. He simply smiles as he sees the last remaining black strands that were peppered in Yasha’s hair just a few days ago are now completely gone. Her hair is entirely and perfectly white, just like Reani’s. For some reason, it brings him a certain joy to be the one who noticed all the steps of her physical transformation until this very moment. He nods and whispers to himself, “I’m proud of you.”

“Come on, guys,” Jester whispers. “We should let them rest.”

They are all surprised that Jester of all people would be the reasonable one, but the sheer glee on her face speaks for her. They all nod, even Veth who seems to have completely let go of her previous motivations. They back off and Jester is the one who closes the door behind them, making sure not to wake up the two sleeping lovers.

* * *

Yasha slowly comes to consciousness as she feels a hand running through her hair again and again. She blinks a few times. Her head is still on Beau's chest and she can feel her steady breathing. She doesn't move, only looks up. Beau apparently didn't notice she was awake. She is looking in the distance and her movements are automatic as she caresses Yasha's hair.

The aasimar whispers, careful not to startle her as she seems to be deep in her thoughts, "Hey."

Beau looks down and her eyes immediately find Yasha's, "Hey. You're awake."

Yasha nods, "How long have you been?"

"I don't know."

Yasha realizes that the room is much darker than it was when they fell asleep. She rolls over to look out the window. Everything is dark outside, it's nighttime. She turns back to look at Beau, suddenly worried. "Marion's performance must have started."

"It's over, actually. I faintly heard from here, she finished just a few minutes ago."

Yasha swiftly pushes herself up on one arm. "Crap, we missed it! Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You rarely sleep so well, I didn't want to wake you up," Beau explains with a very calm tone. "We've already seen her perform several times, and there will be other opportunities."

"But we said we would go all together. Jester is going to be so disappointed."

"I'm sure she will understand. They all know we're going through a lot lately. She won't be mad, don't worry about it."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely," Beau assures her as she puts a strand of hair behind Yasha's ear and then strokes her cheek. "We rarely have a quiet moment to ourselves. Let's enjoy it a little longer, okay?" She gently brings Yasha's head on her chest and the aasimar follows her movement and rests on her.

A moment passes, with no sound except the faint echo of voices coming from the performance hall downstairs. Yasha eventually looks up. Beau is looking in the distance again. She has a stern face and the hand resting on Yasha's shoulder is still and tense, almost clawing her.

Beau still can’t help but feel a little guilty. The whole thing about her taking the lead was a genuine thing, and she really wanted to do so more often. And yet, it was also out of a desperation that Yasha didn’t quite notice. Beau rarely hates being that good of a liar, but this was her being a liar for a good cause; she couldn’t tell her right away.

But is it just her making excuses? Was she really keeping quiet for Yasha’s sake? Or because she was too much of a chickenshit to have faith in Yasha?

Yasha stares at her. "Is everything okay? You look preoccupied."

“I might be.” She takes a deep breath and then sighs.

They both sit up in unison and Yasha looks at her, not even trying to hide her worry, but Beau averts her gaze. Yasha puts a hand over Beau’s. “What’s wrong?”

Beau is still not looking at her as she keeps her eyes down. “When you woke up from a nightmare, a few days ago… I myself had a dream the night before.”

She thought that Yasha would get mad, but instead, she looks confused. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to add to everything you have to deal with already.”

“Beau... “ She squeezes her hand. “You should have talked to me. I thought it was clear by now that we are here for each other.”

“I didn’t want to worry you. I don’t wanna be a burden for you.”

“I told you already, you’re not. So get that stupid idea out of your smart brain.”

Beau finally looks Yasha in the eye and for the first time since the aasimar woke up, a tiny smile appears on her face. But it disappears as fast as it formed. “When you found me that night, I was working.”

Yasha nods, “Yeah, you told me you were.”

“I found something.” She keeps going as she sees Yasha is about to protest again. “I know I should have told you, I’m sorry. But this, only Caleb knows. I asked him to keep it secret, because I needed to confirm my theory before talking about it with any of you.”

Yasha is annoyed, but she gets over it. “And so? Where are you now?”

“Caleb took me to Zadash and Rosohna, I talked with both Dairon and Essek, and I found the answer in one of his books. I… I think I know how to break the curse. I have a way to expel and destroy the Heartsbane once and for all. It should really work this time. But--”

She is about to explain the details, but Yasha briskly takes her in her arms and squeezes her in a tight hug. She doesn’t even say anything at first, just holds Beau against her, almost crushing her in her embrace. Beau doesn’t reciprocate, but she is so ecstatic that she doesn’t pay attention. “Gods, I’m so happy. This nightmare will finally end, literally.”

“Yasha...” Beau’s voice is the opposite of enthusiastic. “I have a favor to ask of you. But you won’t like it.”

The aasimar immediately backs off. She unwraps her arms and her hands slip from Beau’s shoulders to her arms. She looks her in the eye and frowns. “I don’t like this tone.”

Beau swallows hard, and says what she’s been trying to tell her this entire day, “I need you to hurt me again. But...”

Yasha looks at her with concern and, if Beau’s not mistaken, a healthy dose of fear. “What’s wrong, Beau?”

Beau’s breathing becomes shaky, but she knows she has to say it. So she looks Yasha dead in the eye.

_ Oh gods, forgive me, Yasha. _

**“I need you… to stab me again.”**

* * *

Yasha is hastily putting her clothes back on. Her gestures are erratic, a very clear expression of her distress and anger. The storm that had subsided earlier seems to be coming back as there’s a first roll of thunder in the distance.

Beau knew perfectly well that Yasha would have a strong reaction, which is why she was afraid to tell her, but she hadn’t anticipated such an expeditious answer. She is dressing as well, mainly because it would be ridiculous not to at this point. “Yasha, please, listen to me.”

“I listened to you, Beau, and I gave you an answer: no.” She sits down on the bed and puts her boots on.

“There’s no other way.”

“There must be.” Yasha stands up and walks toward the door.

“Please, don’t go,” Beau says anxiously as she is putting her jerkin on. “We need to talk about it.”

Yasha stops and turns around. “There’s nothing to talk about, Beau.” She looks her right in the eyes. “I am  _ not _ doing this.”

Beau joins her and gently takes her hands in hers. “Please, listen to me. I didn’t tell you before because I’ve spent the last days looking for another solution, but there’s none. This is the only way.”

Yasha frees her hands from her grip. “You can’t ask me to do this.”

“I wish there was another way.”

Yasha shakes her head. “No… No, I won’t accept that.”

“I know it’s hard, but I need you to do it. I’m  _ asking _ you to do it.”

“It doesn’t make it easier,” Yasha replies in a harsh tone.

Beau tries to take her hands again, but Yasha recoils from her touch.

“Yasha, please! I… It showed up while I was holding TJ, and I’m hearing it even when I’m awake.”

Yasha’s breath picks up and she closes her eyes. She clenches her jaw, trying to keep her emotions at bay.

Beau’s voice is pleading now, “I don’t know how much longer I will be able to resist it. You have to do it. I… I could lose my voice again… or worse.” 

Yasha looks away and remains silent.

“I’m begging you. If you don’t--”

Yasha’s fist hits the wall and it cracks, some debris falling to the ground.  **“Fuck them!”** There’s a short pause, and she hits with her other hand.  **“Fuck those stuffy wizards!”**

She then hears a horrible sound, a sound that always breaks her heart.

The sound of a heavy sobbing. She turns, and the pain radiating in her hands suddenly disappears, replaced by another one that violently hits her to the chest. Her throat tightens.

“You don’t think I fucking  _ tried _ to find another way?! That’s why I expanded my research, because I was scared to be right! I didn’t  _ want _ to be! So if you’re mad, I can be mad too, and I can scream too!”

Beau collapsed onto her knees, raising her head from her hands, tears unceasing. “But please… don’t leave me alone with this… I had enough of that from just that one week...”

The tension that had built into Yasha’s muscles slowly subsided. She kneels down next to Beau and wraps her in her arms. It feels like that night, when they came back to the Xhorhaus after another failed attempt and Beau lost it. That night too, she was small and vulnerable in Yasha’s embrace. She didn’t want to see her like this ever again.

“I’m sorry, Beau. You’re not alone. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” She puts her head over Beau’s. “I let my emotions get the best of me, I’m sorry. I just…” She tries to modulate her voice and keep her anger at a minimum. “I want them to pay for what they did to you.”

Beau sniffles and just buries herself deeper into Yasha’s embrace. “I know. But… not yet. Dairon said to wait. And… going after them won’t fix… this. They didn’t make this… thing.”

“No, it’s true.” She pauses briefly. “I…” her voice is trembling, “I don’t know if I can do it, Beau. I’m not strong enough.”

“I know,” Beau admits. “I’m not saying… we do it now. But once you’re ready.”

“Do we have the luxury to wait? You said it yourself, time is of the essence.”

Beau swallows hard, knowing that Yasha’s right, but she also wants Yasha to be brave enough for when it happens. “It’s still up to you, Yash. It’s your decision. I won’t force you.”

Yasha closes one of her hands into a tight fist. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Beau moves slightly to put her head over Yasha’s chest, where her heart is. “Maybe it will help you, if you think about it in other terms. I’m not asking you to hurt me, but to save me. I need to finally be free from this curse. And I need you to help me. I mean, look how far you’ve come just today.”

“But you had just said--”

“Sorry, wrong choice of words at that moment,” Beau chuckles weakly, stroking her white hair. “Still… you’re saving me. You’re saving  _ us _ . As long as this thing is inside of me, we’re all at risk.”

“That’s what families do, right?”

“Mmh?”

“They protect each other?”

Beau gives her a weak yet gentle smile. “Yeah. That’s what families do.”

“I… I’ll try to come to terms with it. I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.”

A sudden knocking raps the door, as both of them look towards it. “Beau! Yasha! Are you alright? I heard some shouting and yelling and the walls suddenly shook! You okay?!”

Jester. Beau was afraid that this would eventually happen.

They both stand up and Beau clears her throat. “At least this time it’s not one of her mother’s personal belongings.”

Yasha winces, “I’m not sure it will make it less of a problem.”

Beau is already trying to make up a lie, but before she can suggest anything, Yasha goes to the door and opens it. “Hey, Jester. Sorry, we didn’t mean to bother or worry you.”

“Are you guys okay?”

“Um… We’re fine, but I might have damaged the wall a bit.”

“The wall?” Jester, who was standing on the threshold, actually walks inside the room and her eyes widen when she discovers two holes in the wall. “Oh my gods! What did you do?! Even a Mending spell won’t fix it!”

“Sorry,” Yasha says while rubbing the back of her neck. Beau is ready to come to the rescue, as she knows Yasha is a terrible liar, but her girlfriend keeps going. “We wanted to race downstairs, and we might have taken it a little too seriously. I tried to pass Beau, but I stumbled and hit the wall. Beau yelled at me, that’s what you heard.”

Jester looks at her, and then at Yasha, and even Beau can tell that Jester’s not buying it even before she speaks. “Then why did you say, ‘Fuck those stuffy wizards’ from the top of your lungs?”

“Becauuuse…”

Beau stands next to Yasha and places a hand on her shoulder. “Yasha. Don’t. No more hiding things, remember? We’ll have to tell them eventually anyway.”

Jester eyes them. “Tell us what? Guys, what  _ really _ happened?”

Yasha sighs, “I lost my temper. Sorry about the wall, I’ll pay for the repair.”

“I’m not talking about that. The wall is the least of my concern.” Jester crosses her arms. “The truth. Now.”

Beau and Yasha exchange a look. Jester is rarely this serious, and when she is, they know it’s no joke. Beau takes a deep breath and looks at the tiefling. “We should probably reunite the Nein. We need to talk.”

* * *

Gathering once more in the Nein-Sided Tower’s salon, the Mighty Nein sans Caleb and Yasha are left utterly stunned.

On the table lies the two books about the Heartsbane and the dagger, which the tomes gave a name to: the Soulrender. All they could do was listen quietly to Beau and Caleb’s exposition about what they had uncovered days ago.

Beau takes the dagger in one hand, “As I suspected, the Heartsbane needs this to kill me. And I need it to kill **it** . Well, expel it and then kill it.”

Fjord frowns, “When you say expel, what do you mean?”

Beau makes a very uncomfortable face. “You remember when you had the Cloven Crystal and it needed to get out? Same deal. Once it’s out of me, it will take on its physical form, and that’s when I’ll be able to strike it.”

“Okay, I see. But that’s not what I meant. How do you expel it?”

Beau opens her mouth hesitantly, but Yasha is faster. “I have to stab her with the dagger.”

Her face is tense and her voice harsh and cold. Beau uncomfortably stares at her, but Yasha doesn’t return her look. Her whole body is stiff and her gaze is focused on the dagger in her hand.

“What?!” Jester yelps.

Veth leaps onto her chair. “That’s what you call a solution?!”

_ “Why do you think I said that committing suicide was my last resort?!” _ Beau yells with an intensity that would only rival that of her lover. "Gods, this is the one thing I do NOT want Yasha to go through… but I have to. It has to be her."

Fjord’s frown intensifies. “Why her? Don’t tell me this is like in one of these damn novels. Is this some kind of test or whatever bullshit?”

Beau laughs, but it is devoid of humor. “It’s a test, all right. But… the Heartsbane needs this dagger to hollow out my soul and possess me. This fucker’s whole deal is devouring souls. What do you think would happen if one’s soulmate did it instead? That’s why it was never destroyed: because no one had the strength of heart to do it. Who would willingly stab their loved ones, even if it means saving them? Whoever created it was so…  **_evil_ ** .”

Fjord turns to Yasha and stares at her. He opens his mouth, but he doesn’t find anything to say and so he remains silent. She is not looking at anyone in particular, her eyes never leaving the dagger, even just a second.

“That’s what Zuala was hinting at the first time. I can’t kill it in my dreams, and even then, I can’t do it alone. And I can’t stab myself willingly; it’d just stop me from doing so. Painfully.” Beau looks across the room. “Believe me, I tried. It shut me down. But it also knows that it can’t possess me if I take my own life.”

“Hold on, let me sum it up,” Veth says. “The only method we have to kill this thing is to get it out of you, but as soon as it will be out, it will be able to get its hands on the dagger and kill you.”

“Yes. Pulling it into the waking world is the only way to make it vulnerable, but since the dagger is in the waking world…”

“Great.”

Fjord unconsciously picks at his tusks. “Okay. So… How do we do that? How do we kill it once it’s in the waking world?”

“The only ‘we’ here is Yasha and I,” Beau replies. "It won’t be vulnerable to anyone except the two of us.”

They all throw her strange looks, except Caleb and Yasha.

Fjord lets out a nervous chuckle, “You’re kidding, right?”

“I wish I was.”

The half-orc loses his nerve and suddenly stands up. “What’s the deal with this thing? Who created that fucking curse?!”

“Even if you can’t hurt it, you can still help with other spells.”

“Oh, right, great! I will heal you then. How many scratches do you think I will be able to fix with my weak-ass powers? One? Two? Great, maybe I will be useful in the first half-second of the fight, before the creature that was able to open up your scar in your sleep cuts you in half!”

Jester grabs Fjord by the shoulders and shakes him. “Fjord! Calm down! We’re just as frustrated as you are. And just as upset.”

“This whole situation is insane! I’m just--” He stops and tries to calm down before turning to Beau. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m not mad at you, I’m… I’m scared. I know Yasha and you are both great fighters, but this thing is apparently pretty damn powerful. I… I can’t lose my first mate.” He looks at the rest of the group and then back at Beau. “You’re the only family I’ve ever had. I can’t lose any of you. Not again.”

His eyes suddenly get shiny and Jester takes his hands. “Nobody will die, Fjord. We’ll come up with a plan.”

He laughs nervously, “Our plans are always terrible.”

“It’s true.” They all turn to Caduceus, who has been very quiet so far. “Our plans are terrible, and they often don’t last more than thirty seconds. But we’ve made it this far.” He leaves his chair and stands next to Beau. “You’re right. Even if we can’t attack, there are other ways we can help in this fight.” He smiles and his voice is calm and soothing when he speaks again, “We will come up with something.”

Beau is suddenly brought back to the day the Cerberus Assembly let her go and she was reunited with her friends. Her family. That day, Caduceus was hopeful too, even if there was nothing left to hold on to. Just like he is right now. But the difference is this time, she doesn’t feel lonely. They’ve been by her side all along, through the ups and downs, and they will be there with her to the end, no matter what the outcome is. She smiles back at him.

“I’ll do it.” The others look towards Yasha, who is still staring at the Soulrender. “There are no other options left to us. I… I know that it must be done willingly, that only the two of us have to fight the fiend. But…”

Yasha’s gaze finally turns to meet Beau’s. “I lost my first love because I was a coward, because I did not fight to save her. So if it means saving you, even if it is agonizing to think about and experience… it’s worth it. It won’t get any easier… but I’ll manage.”

Caleb hasn’t said anything, which is quite unusual for him. He still remains silent and only nods in approval, knowing full well what Yasha is saying. He still has his own demons to face.

“I’m not quite ready myself yet,” Beau admits quietly, “but I will be. I just need time. Time to prepare. But let’s be sure to nail this shut before moving on to the Assembly.”

They all nod and share serious looks. Determination is visible on each of their faces.

“For the time being, we should all take some time to relax and rest,” Caduceus suggests. “Tomorrow is a new day.”

No one objects. Yasha just folds and holds Beau close, Jester and Fjord just head to his room in silence. Veth leaves the tower to head to Yeza and Luc. Caduceus goes to his own room.

“Hey… Yasha?” Beau asks her.

“Yeah?”

“I… I think I’m gonna go sleep over at Mom’s place. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

Beau stares at her, “Promise me you’ll go to someone if you need to.”

She notices Caleb staring at them, and the two Empire Kids share a look of understanding.

Yasha doesn’t seem to notice, “I will.”

“You can come find me too, of course. But I know it’s quite urgent sometimes, so it would just be quicker to--”

Yasha holds Beau even closer, stifling her rambling. “Hey. Don’t worry about me. You go see your family and I’ll be okay. Just promise me you will go to your mother if something happens to  _ you _ during the night.”

“Promise.” Beau looks up and gets on her tiptoes to chastely kiss Yasha. “Good night.”

“Good night, sweetheart.”

They part and Beau leaves the salon and levitates down. Yasha waits until she is out of sight, and she is about to leave to her own room, but she hears a cough behind her.

She turns to face Caleb and gives him an interrogative look with a raise of her eyebrows. It’s just the two of them now. He stares at her with an intensity that she has rarely seen in his eyes.

“You and I…" Caleb says to her, matter-of-factly. "We’ve lost everything once already,  _ ja _ ?”

“Yeah.” Her answer is short and straight to the point.

Caleb nods. He keeps looking Yasha in the eye, but she can tell he is not actually looking at her. His brain must be working at full power and his train of thought is probably uninterrupted at the moment.

“The Cerberus Assembly,” he starts with a very calm voice, so calm that it is almost scary, “I don’t think they understand who they messed with.”

Yasha remains silent, simply looking at him, waiting for his next statement.

“I don’t think they understand what a wounded beast will do to its assailant when cornered.”

Yasha’s gaze becomes more intense. She’s starting to understand what he is implying.

“Everybody in our family wants to make them pay, even if it’s for different reasons. Some have personal motives, like Veth and Beauregard, or even me. Others just want to avenge their friends and loved ones, like Jester, Fjord and you, or simply disagree with their views on the world, like Caduceus.”

He pauses and for the first time since the beginning of the conversation, he looks in the distance. “Some say that people who have nothing left to lose are among the most dangerous. And I agree… to a point.”

He pauses again and for a moment, Yasha wonders if he will keep going, but he eventually does. “But I think people who lost everything, and then started to care about something again…” he looks her dead in the eye, “Those are even more dangerous.”

Yasha nods, but still doesn’t speak.

“You and I, we know how it feels like to lose everything. We know what it’s like to hit rock bottom. And Beauregard… she does as well.”

He walks toward Yasha and for a moment, she thinks he will go past her. But he stops right next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. “Right now, we have to deal with the Heartsbane and wait for news from Dairon. But when it’s time…" His voice suddenly gets deep and rough, just like a growl. “We will show them they messed with the wrong people.”

Yasha feels a rush of adrenaline go through her body, just like when they’re about to go into combat and she is letting it go. She clenches her fists and tries to keep her rage tamed. Now is not the time.

Caleb squeezes her shoulder and when he speaks, his voice is back to normal. “If you can’t sleep, don’t hesitate, come knock at my door. I probably won’t sleep anyway, I have to plan something for the fucker who thinks it can call dibs on Beauregard’s body.”

He pats her shoulder, and then walks past her and levitates up to his room. Yasha stays in the salon a little longer, until her rage completely subsides.

“And her soul,” Yasha says to herself as she goes to her room, aware that she probably won’t be able to sleep, but at least she can take care of Harey and he will keep her company.

She sits at the end of her bed, bone harp in hand, as Harey watches silently. Yasha tries to play a few notes, trying to calm herself after the very unexpected day she’s had, but it doesn’t work. Her mind is racing too much to concentrate on music.

From Beau taking the lead in intimacy, to Yasha being forced to confront her pain by staring at it without looking away, to Beau telling her that she has to… to…  _ stab _ her to save her… it was all too much. Why did she have to face the truth like this? Why must she be forced to hurt her loved ones again, due to forces beyond her control? It… It was unfair. So unfair.

**_“I’m not asking you to hurt me, but to save me. I need to finally be free from this curse. You’re saving me. You’re saving_ ** **us** **_. As long as this thing is inside of me, we’re all at risk.”_ **

Yasha sighs. Unfair as it is, she has to concede. Beau was right. This is the only option. This is the way. The only question is… can she do it? Can she even  _ try _ ?

**_“I see hesitation and regret in you. And it is like a mirror. I know regret, and I regret, I regret, and unless my intuition is very off, you know regret.”_ **

Caleb’s voice echoes in her head, a conversation from long ago, as she stands up from her bed, lets out another deep sigh… and reaches for her pack, pulling out a very familiar set of leathers. She had been forced into these leathers against her will, forced to kill in these, forced to hurt those she loved in these.

**_“So it never goes away?”_ **

Of course it never goes away. But she had been foolishly thinking otherwise.

**_“No. But, it's easier with people around you, to make you feel more like you.”_ **

Her first instinct since receiving her new clothes was to do as Obann did and toss these into the torch as well. To thoroughly sever this part of her past, her life, from her future in order to move on.

**_“I feel a little bit like… the forgiveness is almost harder to deal with. I feel like anger is an emotion that I know how to deal with, because that's where I live. But I feel like, with everyone being so nice and accepting, I don't know how to handle it. I know I'm not handling it well, but I'm trying.”_ **

She laughs to no one. She’s been kidding herself.

**_“I don't think we can. But… while we are never going to wash our hands, we can use them to leave something better in the world, and maybe the curtain never rises from our eyes, but what else do we do? You either lose yourself to it, and forget, or you do your part.”_ **

She stares at the leathers once more.

**_“They're pretty great. We don't deserve them.”_ **

“No, we don’t,” Yasha says aloud. “But we do need them. I need  _ her _ .”

She nods to herself, aware that she had been crying, but as she raises her head, the tears do cease.

No more hiding. No more running. No more regret.

It’s time to do her part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally coming to a head: the exorcism of the Heartsbane. But until it happens, no one can let their guard down.
> 
> Not once.


	20. The Pure and the Damned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love, make me clean/Love, touch me, cure me  
> Every day I think about untwisting and untangling these strings I'm in  
> And to lead a pure life/I look ahead at a clear sky/Ain't gonna get there  
> But it's a nice dream, it's a nice dream  
> Death, make me brave/Death, leave me swinging  
> The pure always act from love/The damned always act from love/The truth is an act of love  
> Some day, I swear, we're gonna go to a place where we can do everything we want to/And we can pet the crocodiles  
> That's love/The pure and the damned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS CRITTERS! A new chapter finished just in time for today!
> 
> The day of the ritual looms ever closer. The Mighty Nein make preparations, and family time is had. But the Heartsbane is only getting stronger, and Beauregard's resolve is fading, her light dimming.
> 
> But she must soldier on. Because she has no other choice.

Beau puts two pieces together, but Veth immediately interrupts her. “No, not like this!”

“So what? You stole a gun and messed with it once or twice and now you know how to make one?”

“That’s not how you should do it!”

“Piss off! You just don’t want me to have a gun because you’re afraid I’ll shoot you in the ass like you did to me.”

They’re all at the Lavish Chateau, hanging out at the bar, and the rest of the party is watching as Beau and Veth are bickering over how to make a gun. That’s not how they thought their day would go when they woke up, but that’s not the craziest thing that’s happened to them so far.

“No! Not at all! I know you’re not good at this!” Veth leans over and has the audacity to clear the table, even as Beau is tinkering. “A few times learning things in Uthodurn is not enough! It’s unsafe!”

Beau turns to glare at Veth. “And recklessly thinking that detonating a powder keg in a subterranean temple _is_?”

“Safer than what you’re doing! You don’t have the expertise--”

“I literally am just putting two pieces together and you’re suddenly like, ‘NO, that’s wrong!’”

“YES! Because you are doing it wrong! You’re--”

A hand slaps down on Veth’s shoulder. The halfling freezes and turns around. Yasha is giving her a glare that she is all too familiar with. “She said _you_ don’t know how to properly make one. Well? Do you? If you don’t, then you have no right to say she’s wrong. Also… what was that about you shooting her in the ass with one of those?”

“She also thought shooting Beau with a crossbow was a good way of testing my mettle,” Caduceus says nonchalantly, drinking his tea at a table.

“I made my point though! Caduceus demonstrated his talent as a cleric.”

“ **Veth** .” Yasha utters with a truly evil growl. “ **Shut. Up.** ”

“W-Why?! I thought it was a good way to--”

“ _You could’ve fucking killed me!_ ” Beau shouts at the halfling, even pulling out the same crossbow bolts that still had long-dried blood on the tips. The sight of them causes the entire room to go silent.

“But you _didn’t_ die,” Veth remarks, stubbornly. “And that’s how we knew Caddy was--”

“Did you forget we had only just lost Molly?” And your defense? It was ‘cool’!”

“I… I thought...” Veth can’t even come up with a proper rebuttal. Beau notices that Jester and Fjord are definitely staring at Veth too.

Fjord frowns as he facepalms, hard. “Are you fucking serious, Veth?”

Jester looks really upset, her tail lashing the ground repeatedly. “We don’t shoot at other members of the Chaos Crew. Would you shoot _me_ every time I didn’t heal?”

“We don’t shoot at anyone from the party!” Fjord says with a shocked look toward Jester. “Chaos Crew or not!”

“I-I think everybody was a bit on edge that day,” Caduceus says.

They all turn to him and even Caleb seems puzzled, “How does that excuse anything?”

“Never mind,” Beau sighs. “The point is, leave me the fuck alone. I won’t blow myself up just making a damn pistol, there’s no powder in it yet, it’s not even whole.”

Veth is left a stuttering mess. “But you will blow yourself up if you mess up during the--”

“ **Out!** ” Yasha growls, stamping her foot for emphasis.

“...assemblage,” Veth squeaks out and flees the Chateau.

After she’s long gone, Beau sighs yet can’t help but smirk a little. “First of all, that was fucking hot. Second, I haven’t heard you yell like that since the carnival. You were all **‘GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY TENT!’** and all that.”

Yasha is taken off guard at first, but then she grins. “So… you like it when I get mad?”

“Very much,” Beau reaches down to grab her discarded materials. “Even… that one time in the tower when I was being a desperate fucking idiot. I don’t blame you for being upset when I went rogue.”

“‘Fucking idiot’ sounds right,” Yasha says as she helps her. And as they meet at ground level, they smile at each other.

Beau can’t help but blush. “Literally.”

Fjord rolls his eyes, while Jester has a big grin on her face, and Caleb and Caduceus don’t pay much attention to them.

Once the material is back on the table, Beau gets back to work. Yasha and Caleb are reading, Jester is sketching, Fjord is simply watching her with his usual heart-eyes, and Caduceus is enjoying his tea. There is no one at the Chateau at this time of the day, except the staff, and the quiet is nice.

After what is close to an hour, Veth comes back. Yasha immediately looks at her. “I hope you won’t be a jerk again, or I swear I will--” She stops speaking as she sees the halfling is ignoring her.

Veth doesn’t answer and just walks up to Beau. She stops next to her and the monk throws her a strange look. “What are you up to now? Going to treat me like shit yet again?”

Without a word, Veth gets her hands from behind her back and puts a book on the table. “Got it for you just now. Sorry for shooting you. On several occasions.”

Beau looks at the cover and quickly realizes it’s a book on tinkering and more specifically the basics of firearms engineering. She stares at Veth, genuinely surprised.

“I don’t want to make assumptions, but… where did you get this?”

“You’re right, I don’t know more than you do,” the halfling admits. “So I hope it can help. I’d really like to see you put a bullet in that damn thing and finally get rid of it.”

Beau still can’t help but look surprised. She reaches out for the book, but…

“You still didn’t answer my question. Where did you get this?” She narrows her glare. “Did you steal this?”

Veth is silent at first, but then she grins, “No one ever said anything about the necessity of paying for something for it to be a gift, right?”

No one responds. The absence of words is deafening, and if it weren’t for the distant sounds outside, Beau would swear that someone cast _Silence_ in the room. Caleb closes the book he has been reading and stares right at Veth. He sighs and looks tired rather than angry. “Where did you steal it?”

“Why?”

Caleb stands up. “I’m going to go pay for it.”

“No, no, no! I can pay for--” Veth tries to say, but Caleb is already out the door. She quickly looks at the others, and then goes chasing after him.

“The more things change...” Beau mutters to herself. “We’re trying to lay low, for gods’ sake.” She grabs the book and quickly goes through it. “Damn... This book seems pretty great though, but...” She closes the book shut. “She still stole it. So I’ll wait until they get back.”

“I’m glad you resisted the temptation. And without being prompted!” Fjord can’t help but smile, his tusks peeking through.

“I’m desperate, but not that much.”

“Anyway!” Jester shouts out. “It’s just about lunch. I’ll go see if I can get some food cooking!”

Shortly after that fiasco, Marion joins the Nein as well as Yeza, Luc, Clara and TJ. Caleb and Veth are the last ones and once they’re back, they all sit at the table to have lunch in the empty performance hall.

It feels so nice to Beau, having all of them here together. She can’t help but smile. Just when she felt satisfied with just the Nein, all of a sudden it’s everyone else here under the same roof. Granted, she wishes there were a few more faces, those who also made a difference in helping her become the woman she is now. But in this instance, she’s happy just to be alive.

**_Don’t kid yourself. This will be mine. Mine to have, mine to break._ **

Beau shuts out that horrible voice. She focuses on this nice family talk as everyone talks about their day, even hearing about the verbal lashing Veth had gotten from the bookstore owner and the hefty fine she had to pay. She kind of wishes she was there to hear it.

TJ is more focused on playing with Luc than he is on eating at the moment, and Clara, who has been trying to get him to eat for several minutes, is starting to lose patience. “TJ, your plate is here,” she says as she is pointing. But he keeps laughing with Luc.

Yeza gets involved as he sees his son distracting the other boy, and not eating either. “Same goes for you, Luc.”

Beau just watches on, absentmindedly finding herself reading everyone’s lips… including a hushed conversation between her mother and Jester’s.

“It’s quite alright, love,” Marion assures her, putting a hand on hers. “He’s young.”

Clara just nods. “I know. It just still feels unreal. We haven’t been away from Kamordah that long, it’s still slow to adjust. I’m still a little...” She stops and both Marion and she turn when they hear loud laughter, to see that their daughters are just as distracted as TJ and Luc.

“Protective? Is that what you were going to say?”

Clara turns back to Marion, “Yes.”

Marion, in turn, can’t help but let her own smile falter. “Take it from me, Clara. You can’t keep children sheltered. They eventually branch out. I know because of Jester. And even if by force, think about Beauregard.”

Beau suddenly notices both parents looking in her direction, and she just gives a nod and smiles. Clara’s expression becomes nostalgic. “I feel like she was a teenager just yesterday. Time flies by…” she says with a sigh. “I wish I’d had more time with her. Or more of a backbone sooner.”

Marion puts a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You have her with you now. You have both of your children.” Her gaze falters a little, knowing the situation. “Try to enjoy it. Make the most of your time with them, you know?”

Clara nods but she knows, as Marion does, that spending time with her daughter is very important now of all times. After all… she’s still in danger, even in relative safety.

Beau, who was speaking and laughing with Jester, doesn’t notice this part of the exchange. She turns to TJ. “So, little man, how was your third day with your preceptor? Do you like the one Marion helped find?”

“Ya’a!”

Beau is a bit confused by this unexpected answer. “What does Yasha have to do with it?”

“Flowers!”

Beau is still not getting his point and starts laughing. “TJ, I know you’re able to make full sentences.”

The little boy giggles and she can tell just by the spark in his eyes that he is messing with her on purpose. “I saw flowers.”

“You did?”

He nods with enthusiasm and looks at Yasha. “Yellow flowers. They’re pretty. And like sistah, and me, and Mommy.”

Beau and Yasha look at each other, a bit perplexed, and then Beau looks at TJ. “You don’t remember the name?”

“Umm...” TJ has an adorable thinking expression, thumping his head like he had seen Beau do on occasion. “I know!” He points at Yasha. “Ya… Ya-shaaa knows!”

The aasimar is taken off guard, not as comfortable with him as his sister or mother. She raises her eyebrows. “What do I know?”

“The flower! Yellow! Like sistah, me and Mommy.”

“You… You want me to guess the flower you saw?”

TJ vigorously nods, apparently satisfied that she finally understood.

“Um… Okay. You said it’s yellow?”

He nods with an adorable excited expression. She slowly relaxes and decides to play his game. She puts a hand on her chin and looks up with an exaggerated expression of intense reflection. “Like Beau, Clara and you… Well… What could it mean?”

TJ giggles, “Can’t find! Too hard!”

“It’s true, your riddle is very hard. I’m not sure I can find it, but I’ll try. Is it… a rose?”

“No!”

Beau can’t help but chuckle. “Stumped by a three-year-old. Don’t look at me for help; I’m not an expert on flowers like you.”

Yasha grins and thinks again. “Is it a lily?”

TJ chuckles and looks at Beau. She immediately smiles back; she already knows the answer.

Yasha crosses her arms and pretends to think with even more intensity. After a short moment, she beams up. “I know! Does it sound like Lionett?”

TJ sheepishly giggles and hides his mouth as trying to hide the truth.

Yasha grins at his adorable manners. “Is it a dandelion?”

This time, TJ uncovers his face and smiles widely. “It’s like us! And it’s beautiful!”

“Yes, dandelions are beautiful. Did you see little bees on it? Bees love dandelions.”

“Yes! But Dulug said be careful.”

“Dulug is your preceptor?”

TJ nods, “Said bees ‘ting.”

“Bees sting,” Clara repeats, careful to separate the two words. “And they sting only if you hurt them.”

“It’s true,” Caduceus says. “Jester and I had a lovely conversation with bees once, they were very friendly.”

Jester nods. “Have you ever had honey, TJ?”

“I don’t think you have?” Clara asks, looking at him, and he looks back with an intrigued expression. She turns to Jester. “We don’t have a lot of bees in Kamordah, so we have honey only when traveling merchants are in town.”

“Makes sense. No flowers there,” Beau points out. “None that grow there naturally.”

“You have to try it! Mama, do the cooks have some?”

“I guess so. They’ve always made sure to have some at all times since you were born. You were always asking for it as a child.”

Jester stands up and runs to the kitchens. TJ gets excited and Clara pulls his chair and helps him down so that he can follow her. They both come back shortly after, TJ walking next to Jester and proudly holding a jar of honey in his tiny hands. He goes around the table and stands next to Beau, who takes him on her lap, while Jester gives everyone a spoon.

Beau helps TJ open the jar, then plunges a spoon inside, and gives him. He is a bit hesitant, probably intrigued by the strange texture, and Beau grins. “Don’t wait too long, or it will drip.”

To show him it’s safe, she gently takes the spoon from his hand and puts it in her own mouth. “It’s really good!”

His hesitation stands a bit longer, but then he reaches out. Beau uses another spoon to take some honey, and then gives it to TJ. He immediately eats it. He looks a bit weirded out at first, probably because he never tasted something like this before, but then he smiles.

“More!” He claps his hands excitedly. Beau smiles and gives him a second spoonful. He savors it and then reaches out toward Yasha. “Taste!”

She gives him her spoon and with Beau’s help, he clumsily takes some honey out of the jar and then gives the spoon back to her. “Thank you.” She puts it in her mouth and then smiles at TJ. “It’s really good!”

The jar goes around the table and when it’s back to Beau, she indulges her brother with a third round, and then closes the jar despite his protestations. “You’ve had plenty already. You can have more later. Okay?”

TJ pouts, “I want more! Now!”

“TJ, stop,” Clara says with a firm tone.

“Now, now, now!”

“I said stop, TJ.” He is about to protest again, but this time, Clara raises her voice. “Enough!”

Beau looks at her mother and frowns. There were times where she raised her voice at her when she was younger, but she has never seen her do this with TJ. She refrains from yelling back at her. _Not in front of him._

She looks at him and sees he is now very quiet, even if he still seems upset. “It’s for your own good, TJ. You will get sick if you eat too much honey at once. Do you understand?”

He remains silent, but Beau stays calm and keeps a gentle tone. “I’m not scolding you. Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you understand why Mommy and I said no?”

TJ keeps a stern face, but he nods in place of an answer and Beau nods back. “Good. You can have honey later, but you’ve had enough now.”

TJ’s expression slowly shifts from annoyance to embarrassment. He doesn’t look at Beau and deliberately averts his gaze as he speaks, “Sistah angry?”

“No,” Beau says immediately as she holds her brother and kisses his forehead. “No, I’m not angry. And Mom’s not angry. Right?” She shoots a look at Clara.

“I’m not angry, TJ,” she says with a voice much softer than before.

He risks a look toward his mother. “W-Was... Daddy angry?”

Beau and Clara trade matching looks of wariness. Beau especially feels nervous, having flashes of the Heartsbane’s masquerade.

**_Told you he’s your weakness._ **

Beau shakes her head and tries to catch his gaze but he keeps looking at Clara. “TJ, can you please look at me?” He doesn’t, but she makes sure to keep a voice as soothing as she can. “Are you talking about the time he yelled at Mommy and tried to take you from her?”

Everyone just watches on. All but Caleb are stunned upon hearing this. TJ nods and keeps his eyes on Clara as he asks, “Will Daddy come back if I’m nice?”

_Fuck._

**_You took him from his father. He will never forgive you._ **

Beau tries to ignore the voice, but her breathing is picking up already. She tries to keep a stern face and not let her distress show, and she thinks she might succeed, until she hears Yasha’s voice next to her.

“Beau, are you okay?”

It’s strange. It’s like hearing a voice underwater. She realizes this is not only Yasha’s voice. All sounds are distorted, like there is some sort of reverb effect. She also feels really hot all of a sudden.

“Give me TJ.” She acts automatically and does as told. As soon as Yasha is holding TJ, Beau hears it again.

**_You should just get out of his life. You heard him. He wants his father, not you._ **

She swallows hard. She stands up on unsteady legs and hears Fjord’s voice telling her to sit down, but it’s cut short. In fact, she can’t hear anyone’s voices anymore, not even her own breathing. Everything feels distorted, like she’s drowning.

**_You’re worthless. To him, to your mother, to that wasteland bitch of--_ **

The voice continues to bombard her mind. It’s all she can hear, nothing else is audible. Beau feels her legs still moving, wobbly as they are, even as her vision suddenly goes dark.

* * *

“Daddy hurt sistah.”

The voice is quiet, yet it manages to cut through her consciousness like a sine wave.

“I… I’m scared of Daddy.”

“TJ?” Beau calls out weakly as she opens her eyes. As her vision returns to her, several people are somehow gathered around her, but the angle is really strange and unusual. It’s only now that she notices that she’s collapsed on the ground. Did she faint without realizing?

“W-What… happened?” Beau mutters to herself, but close enough for Yasha to hear.

The aasimar puts TJ in Clara’s arms and kneels down. She helps her sit straight and use a napkin to dab her forehead. “Can you hear me?”

Beau nods and Yasha lets out a sigh of relief. “You passed out. Look at me.”

Beau obeys and Yasha looks her in the eye with intensity. She seems to be searching for something. Everyone else’s attention is also fixated on her. “You heard it again, didn’t you?”

Beau nods in affirmation. “More than once.”

Yasha stiffens. “Do you still hear it right now?” Beau shakes her head. “Good. Then maybe...”

Yasha’s words fade as her eyes drift to the side… and suddenly widen, as if she had the fear of the gods thrust upon her.

“Beau?”

Beau follows her gaze to her right hand… and her blood goes cold. In her hand, gripped with whitened knuckles, is a very familiar weapon, one that was in her chest once before, in her very dream.

The Soulrender.

Beau immediately drops the dagger, completely and utterly freaked, and her breathing accelerates again. “How the hell did I get that? It… it was… bag... how...”

Caduceus is just coming back from the kitchens with a cup of tea for her. “You-You grabbed it from your satchel when you stood up to get out.” He looks at the others with a curious look. “You didn’t notice she did?”

Beau’s eyes widen at the revelation and the firbolg frowns, “You didn’t know you took it?”

“N-No. Did I… say something strange?”

Jester looks on, very uneasy. “You… You said you wanted to get some fresh air, and...”

“I never said that.” Not a word is spoken from anyone in response. “Anything… else?”

No one says anything. The silence is quite damning. That is, until Yasha speaks up.

“Your eyes.”

Beau stares right at her and tries to speak, but she can only open her mouth and no word gets out. The only good point is she can still hear her own breathing, which means she is not silent again, but her throat is so dry she can’t speak.

She brings her hands up and is able to sign what she needs. **Water.**

Caduceus puts the cup down on the table and then pours a glass of water that he gives her. Contrary to her manic thoughts, she has the awareness of not downing it in one gulp. So she sips, quietly. The simple motion is surprisingly calming, like the sight of the ocean whenever she meditates.

When the glass is empty, Yasha takes it from her. “How do you feel?”

She doesn’t answer the question. Instead, she looks at TJ, and then at her mother. “Is he okay? Did I try to do anything to him?”

Clara shakes her head, “Yasha took him from you. He is fine, you didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, right.” She looks at Yasha. “I remember that.” She slowly stands up with Yasha’s help and Yasha keeps her steady with Beau’s arm over her shoulder. “What about my eyes, Yasha?”

“They… They flickered. They were blue, and then they weren’t. They had a red glow.”

Beau tries to regulate her breathing as she feels it’s about to accelerate again. Yasha immediately notices, “Try to stay calm. It’s over now.”

“No. It’s not.” She looks down to try and hide her panic but is clearly failing, and whispers grimly, “I’m running out of time.”

TJ is getting more and more agitated in Clara’s arms, looking around, monitoring his surroundings as if danger could come out at any moment. “Daddy away, Daddy away. Stay away.”

The rest of the table is just keeping quiet, yet Beau is able to look up to see her brother. Even in her current state, she manages to smile. “Yeah, little man. You tell him.”

Her intervention seems to calm him down a bit. His attention gets on her. “Sistah angry?”

“No, I’m not angry. Not at you.”

“Sistah scared?”

Beau hesitates. She doesn’t want to worry the kid any further. And yet, she feels like that precipice has long since been jumped. She reaches for him as she sits down, and as soon as he’s snug in her embrace, she nods. “Yeah. Sistah’s scared. Very scared.”

He looks at her and his blue eyes pierce her, as if he was able to read into her soul. Strangely, he doesn’t seem scared, quite the opposite. He’s incredibly calm. “Hug to feel good.”

Beau forces a smile. She wraps her arms around him, and he does the same, even if he can’t quite circle her. “Thanks, little man. I feel better now.”

They share a tight embrace until TJ lets go and looks at her. “Will Daddy come back if I’m nice?”

Beau is confused to hear the same question again, but this time, she stays calm and tries to understand. “Do you miss him?”

“No.”

“Do you want to see him?”

TJ quickly shakes his head, “No, no, no!”

“Why do you ask then?”

TJ remains silent and shrinks a bit. Beau puts a soothing hand on his back and slowly draws circles to try to soothe him. “I’m not scolding you. I just want to understand. So, why do you ask if he will come back if you’re nice?”

TJ shortly hesitates. “Daddy says I have to be nice. Daddy’s happy when I’m nice. Daddy’s not here.”

Beau tries to make sense of it all and to follow his reasoning, until Clara steps in. “Are you afraid that if you’re nice, Daddy will come back?”

TJ nods, “Daddy’s not here, Daddy’s angry. Daddy’s angry because I’m not nice.”

Clara puts a hand on his head and strokes his hair. “No, Daddy wasn’t angry at you, TJ.”

“Why angry then?”

“Because…” she briefly looks at Beau, then back at him. “Because he was jealous. Because he didn’t want Mommy and you to be with other people.”

“With sistah?”

“Yes. He didn’t want us to be with your sister.”

“But sistah nice. Daddy mean.”

Clara smiles sadly, “Yes, Daddy was mean. But he’s not here anymore. Do you want him to be with us again?”

“No! Daddy stay away!”

“He won’t be here if you don’t want to see him,” Beau says quickly to calm him down. “If you want to see him one day, you should tell Mommy and I, and we will talk about it together. But if you don’t, then you won’t see him. You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. Okay?”

TJ nods, “No Daddy.”

“Yes, that’s right. No Daddy if you don’t want Daddy. So you have to be nice, okay? Not to make him happy, or to keep him away. You have to be nice because it makes the world better, while being mean makes people around you sad. Do you understand?”

TJ nods again and then opens his arms. “Huggy.”

Beau gives him a hug and he chuckles, for no apparent reason, but it puts a smile on her face and she feels her heart warm up. “You know what we should do this afternoon?”

TJ parts from her and looks at her. “What?”

“We should go pick flowers. And if Yasha wants to come with us, she can show you new flowers.”

TJ turns to the aasimar. “Ya’a comes?”

“I’d love to,” she answers with a smile. TJ throws his hands in the air in celebration.

“Can I come too?” Luc asks. “I want to learn flowers’ names too, that’s so _cool_!”

Beau smiles, “Of course. Everybody can join.”

As they all start enthusiastically talking to decide where they should go to see as many flowers as possible, Beau puts TJ in her mother’s arms and walks toward Caleb. He gives her a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

“No. But I have to be strong, right?”

He remains silent. Without a word, Beau starts taking off her jewelry. Caleb raises his eyebrows and quickly notices she is only taking off some of them in particular. When she is done, she shoves them into his hand. He looks at the accessories in his palm and gets the confirmation that they are all made of jade: her two earrings, the necklace her father gave her when she offered her own to TJ, and other stuff he didn’t even know she had but she was apparently carrying in her pockets.

He looks up with a skeptical expression, “What am I supposed to do with those?”

"Grind them down. I don't want this shit anymore."

He doesn’t speak, but the question gets to her nevertheless. “This superstitious bastard can go fuck himself. His damn charms are useless, and I don’t want to have anything from him on me. You need jade for some of your spells, right? So it will be more useful with you. I know you will make good use of it.”

Caleb looks at the jewelry again and simply nods. “Okay.”

“Also, I have a favor to ask you.”

“ _Ja?_ ”

“I’d like to enchant my gun once it’s finished, and I have an idea for a spell I’d like to create. Would you help me with those?”

“ _Ja_ , of course. Enchantments are not my specialty, but I’ll do my best, and I can help with the spell.”

“Great.” She awkwardly looks at him, and suddenly hugs him. “Thank you, Caleb.”

He’s taken aback, but he hugs her back anyway. The embrace doesn’t last long and Beau quickly ends it and backs off. She clears her throat. "Alright, we should clear the table, we have flowers to pick."

He nods and they all get to work. It's not long before the table is cleared and those going out for the afternoon are gathered at the Chateau entrance. But as they're about to head for a field outside of the city that Jester said was always full of flowers, Caleb doesn't follow.

"I'm not coming with you, guys." Immediately, they all protest, including Beau. He looks at her. “Yussa will probably be able to help with the enchantment you told me about earlier.”

“Can’t it wait? Come with us, it’ll be fun,” the monk says.

“I’m sure it will be, but I should get to work now if I want to be ready when you finish your gun.”

Beau is annoyed, but she can’t argue with this logic. “Okay. Thank you for taking time for this.”

“You don’t have to thank me. This knowledge might be useful on other occasions.”

“Are you saying you’re not doing it for me?”

Caleb grins at the pretended offense. “That’s what I’m saying, Beauregard. I absolutely don’t care about you and I’m not doing this for you at all.”

They smile at each other and Caleb puts a hand on her shoulder. “You’re on vacation, so enjoy your flower picking and take time for yourself.”

“I’ll do my best.”

He nods. “Don’t wait for me tonight, I might come back late,” and with that, he turns and leaves.

“See you.” Beau feels a twinge of sadness as she sees her found brother walk away, knowing she won’t get to spend the afternoon with him. But she is immensely grateful.

She joins her other friends and they make their way outside the city.

* * *

The following night, Beau is at her mother’s house. The flower frolic had turned out to be a rousing success. TJ and Luc found lots of flowers, Yasha even managed to pick a few… and Veth kept her mouth shut instead of lecturing. But more important, she didn’t hear “it” the entire time.

Beau and Clara are putting TJ to bed, and Beau is telling him a story. She picked one of the many adventures she lived with the Mighty Nein, but made sure that it was family-friendly. The story she settles on… is the story of how she went from rock bottom to the top of the world in the aftermath of her first return to Kamordah. Even while leaving out specifics, Clara could pick out what Beau was getting at. Maybe with a little embellishment to make herself stand out so she looks cool in TJ’s eyes, but aside from that it’s nothing but the truth.

She even manages to tell a second story before he falls asleep. The story of her and Yasha’s sharing of the aasimar’s maiden flight. TJ seems particularly fond of this one, even asking to fly too. Beau can’t help but smile, and suggests that he asks Yasha directly, to which he answers he will offer flowers in exchange. She makes a note to have Caleb help out, to act as a supplement to Yasha’s flight; ten minutes of flight is safer than one.

She is about to keep going with how Jester’s best friend almost got abducted by an actual goddess, but TJ is falling asleep. “I think it’s time to sleep now.”

He weakly nods, his eyes half closed already.

Beau extends her hand. “Give me your flower crown. You will ruin it if you sleep with it.”

TJ does as told without complaining or protesting. The night before, Beau and Clara had to be very convincing to have him take off the crown that Yasha and Jester had helped him make earlier that day. It seems that they will have to get him an enchanted one that never falters, or they will have to make new ones very often if he keeps wearing it non-stop like he’s been doing for the last two days. Hopefully, he will eventually get bored, like children often do.

Beau and Clara kiss him good night. As they leave his room, Beau hears him call out in his sleep. “G’night Beau.”

She stops in her tracks. It’s the first time he had said her name. She can’t help but smile as she turns to the door and gently closes it, eyes on her brother until it shuts.

They prepare tea that Caduceus gave them and then go sit down on the couch. Clara smiles when she sees the joy that still hasn’t left her daughter’s face. “It’s incredible how much progress he’s done since we arrived in Nicodranas.”

“I think being with Luc helped. But he’s always been bright.”

“It’s true.” Clara strokes Beau’s cheek. “Just like his sister.”

“I wasn’t as smart as him. I’m sure he’s a prodigy.”

Clara chuckles, “Usually, mothers speak like this, not sisters.”

“Well, I’m old enough to be his mother, maybe that’s why.”

They share amused smiles and sip their tea in silence.

“It’s still… unreal. As I told Marion during lunch,” Clara starts saying, “I still can’t believe I’m here, away from him, with my children. I honestly am unsure to even… call myself your mother after so long.”

Beau has a pensive look on her face, yet the joy is still there. “It’s not too late to start over. That’s what I’ve been telling myself for some time.” Her eyes dart toward the balcony, in the direction of the Chateau. “It’s something I’d been wanting to suggest to Yasha a while ago. But… things got out of hand.”

Clara gives her a very serious look and puts a hand on her knee. “The more you talk about Yasha, the more I feel like… you’ve been wanting this for very long, but allowed yourself to have it only recently... Why?”

Joy suddenly leaves Beau’s face. She starts fidgeting and looks away. “It was… complicated. You know she lost her wife, and I must admit it was an obstacle for some time. I didn’t want to rush her, you know.”

Clara silently nods and listens closely.

“I thought there were signs that she might like me, but… I didn’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed later. So I waited. And one day, she made the first move. A very bold move, I have to say. But it was so… It was so much like her.”

Beau has a thin smile as she keeps going. She has been averting her gaze, but she looks at Clara now. “She wrote me a letter, Mom. At first it was a poem she wrote with Jester, but then she made it a letter.”

“A letter?” Clara asks, intrigued, her eyes widening.

Beau nods. “I… lost the original, but I still have it memorized in my journal. Just in case.”

She stands up to go get her journal, but she briskly stops and sits down again. Clara gives her a curious look, and Beau smiles. “You will probably think I’m crazy, but anyway… I don’t need to show you, I’ve read it so many times that I know it by heart.”

Clara looks at her expectantly. “Well, tell me. I want to hear it. If you want to share it with me, of course.”

Beau smiles and blushes a bit. She clears her throat and sits straight, facing her mother. “She gave it to me when we were in Eiselcross. I waited to be in Caleb’s tower, but gods, I was so nervous.”

“I can imagine.”

A dreamy expression forms on Beau’s face as she recalls that night. “I read it as I was taking a bath and…” Her blush intensifies and she bites her lower lip. “Gods, I was so overwhelmed after reading it. The things she said were so… It was just… I… I don’t even know how to describe how I felt when I read her letter.”

“What did she tell you?”

Beau doesn’t even need to concentrate, the words come to her easily.

_“Beau,_

_Yeah, this was a poem, but then I realized that it was a dumb poem, and I can't write poetry. Sometimes I have an easier time when I put the pen to parchment, so here it goes._

_I've watched you. I don't mean that in a creepy way. I mean, I am a little bit of a creep, but I know you know this by now. It takes me a minute to open up. So I watch, I observe. I take it all in, as opposed to letting it all out. I guess the only time I let it all out is when I fight, which I'm not sure is the healthiest thing in the world._

_But here's some things I've noticed about you. You're strong. You're a leader. You're really smart. You're really funny. You're honest, even if it hurts. But the thing that really gets me about you is that you love so fiercely. And I know you feel like an asshole most days, but I kind of like you are an asshole. You stick up for the people you love, and you make me feel stronger. I can hold my own. I know you know that, but you make me feel safe. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I know no matter what, you'll have my back, no questions asked._

_Yasha”_

Her voice drops as she finishes reciting the letter and she pinches her lips as a teenager confessing their first love story to one of their parents.

Clara looks at her and a warm smile appears as she takes her two hands in hers. “I am really glad you found her. I am glad you found each other. She seems to really love you.”

"I-I think she does. I know she does. She's amazing, Mom. She's everything."

Clara nods and her smile widens. She lets go of one of Beau’s hands, only to cup her face and stroke her cheek with her thumb.

Beau nestles into her palm. "She's like... my literal guardian angel."

Clara just looks at her little girl… who is far from little anymore. “I’m so sorry. I… I wish I was there for you.”

Beau doesn’t say anything at first, trying to choose her next words carefully. “You know the feeling where even if you’re around others, you still feel alone? That’s been me my whole life. And I felt so scared. I couldn’t let it show, though. Why bother if the world thinks I’m worthless? May as well just keep pushing others away; just so I don’t get hurt.”

Clara doesn’t say anything. She just keeps listening.

“It wasn’t until the Mighty Nein managed to worm their way into my life… that I actually felt…’seen’. It changed so many things.”

“I can see how different you are now, in comparison to how you were when Thoreau sent you away, or even when you came back the first time.”

“I think Molly was the initiator, but they all played a part. They… They saved me.” Beau looks toward the door leading to TJ’s room. “And as of late… TJ saved me. That… thing called him my weakness, but...”

Tears threaten to fall out of Beau’s eyes, but she doesn't resist them. “But he’s also been my lifeline. Yasha, too.”

Clara strokes her cheek again and catches a tear from the corner of her eye, right before it rolls on her face. “I know. I can see how important they both are to you. And I’m so glad that TJ and you have each other now. I never thought it would happen, even in my wildest dreams. You saved us both, you know that, right?”

Beau nods. “By the way… There’s something I want to talk about. Well, I don’t _want_ to talk about it, but we need to.”

“What is it?” Clara asks, tilting her head to the side with a preoccupied expression.

“What happened yesterday during lunch. Not when I collapsed, before that. You raised your voice for no reason.”

“Right… I thought you might want to discuss it when I saw your reaction. I didn’t do it for no reason, Beauregard. TJ wasn’t listening, and even if he’s still young, he is just as stubborn as you sometimes.”

Beau frowns and gets on the defensive. “I _am_ stubborn, but what does it have to do with your behavior from yesterday?”

Clara immediately raises her hands in a soothing gesture to show she has no bad intention. “I’m not lecturing you. I’m sorry if it came as an accusation, it wasn’t my intent.”

Beau relaxes at the clarification and Clara keeps going. “What I was trying to say is that sometimes, when he has something in mind, he won’t let it go, and it’s not always easy to handle him in these moments. So yes, it’s true, I raise my voice sometimes, because otherwise he won’t listen.”

Beau keeps a calm tone, but she is intent on making her message clear. “But what’s the point of yelling? It… It only drowns out who’s trying to speak...” Her voice gets more quiet near the end.

“You saw like me that he wasn’t listening. You said no, he kept asking, and even when I backed you up, he tried to oppose me.”

“But you didn’t even try to explain why we were saying no,” Beau retorts. “You immediately yelled at him with no explanation and didn’t give him the opportunity to understand.” She gives her a deep stare. “You were being like Thoreau.”

Clara is at a loss for words. But Beau presses on. “I know it’s hard. But it’s useless to yell at children, even when they’re not listening. You just drive them away.”

Confusion adds to Clara’s shock after her daughter compared her to Thoreau. “I… I’m sorry, Beau, if I acted like him, I didn’t realize. But… How am I supposed to make him obey then?”

“He won’t always obey, but at least, try to explain where you’re coming from.”

“He’s only three. You know like me that at this age, children want immediate satisfaction. Sometimes he can’t understand why I deny him something.”

“But sometimes he can,” Beau chides gently. “The trick isn’t getting him to ‘obey’, but to ‘listen’. In all honesty, it’s no different from my monastic training, or at least what I‘ve taken to heart: listen, learn, be patient.”

Clara nods with a pensive expression, taking in what her daughter is explaining, and Beau adds, “And yes, I know that sometimes, even if you explain, he won’t listen. In those moments, just let it go. If he keeps asking and throws a tantrum, let him be angry. It will pass and he will calm down eventually.”

Clara shakes her head but she’s smiling. “I can’t believe I’m being lectured on motherhood by my own daughter.”

“I just have a knack with kids, or so I’ve realized,” Beau says with a shrug. “One of the few benefits of a squandered childhood: I relate to them better. Hell, I took care of a little kid while traveling. She was… ‘very sweet’.”

“You never told me about this.”

“Like so many things, Mother, you never asked.” Beau chuckles as she reminisces.

“You were so enthusiastic when you told me about your adventures with your friends, I just thought you didn’t leave anything out.”

“Well… In all honesty, I lived through so many things in so little time that I think I’d need a lifetime to tell you everything in detail,” she says with a smile. “She’s a kenku. Her name is Kiri. We found her in the swamps, alone, and we figured with what she was able to say that her family was dead, so we took her with us. She stayed until we found a family for her. Jester checks in on her from time to time.”

Beau’s smile turns wistful. “That was… perhaps the first time I felt good about something selfless in quite a while. It was strange for a group of misfits like us to have to take care of a child, but… not to brag, but I think we did a pretty good job.”

“I’m sure you did, seeing how great you are with TJ and Luc.” There’s a sudden glint of… something akin to mischief in Clara’s eyes. “You think you and Yasha might choose to take in a child one day?”

Of all the topics to bring up, it’s the concept of parenthood that makes Beau’s brain grind to a halt. “U-Um... W-Why do you ask? I haven’t even considered the thought of _marriage_ yet! Too soon!”

Clara gives her an amused look, “I’m not pressuring you, Beau. I’m just curious to know if children are something you’ve considered for yourself, even before you were with her. I included her because she’s the one sharing your life at the moment, that’s all.” She briefly pauses, “But if I can be completely honest with you, I don’t see why you two wouldn’t spend the rest of your lives together.”

Beau pauses, giving Clara’s question serious thought. “Honestly… I’m not scared of a commitment like that. I’m...” She gazes down to her twice-scarred sternum, placing a trembling hand over her chest. “I’m scared of dying on her. Funny, that long ago I was quite content with throwing myself into danger, because I didn’t have much else to give. But having something to live for… that’s frightening. I suddenly have so much to lose. And yet, it only makes me want to stay alive even more. It’s… It’s really fucked up.”

She looks up to meet Clara’s gaze. “That’s been on my mind this whole time, ever since I was cursed. I don’t want to die, but it’s getting harder and harder to hold on to a reason to live. Yasha lost Zuala, and I don’t want her to go through that again. I...” Her voice quakes. “I’m scared, Mommy. I’m so very scared. I’m scared that I can’t fight this for much longer. I’m… I’m scared that I’ll end up hurting her, and forcing her to… to...”

Clara gently takes the trembling hand she has resting on her chest and squeezes it. “What did she tell you? That you love so fiercely, was that what she said? She is right, baby. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed since I’ve had you back, it’s this. And I think that kind of love can do a lot. So hold on to it, okay?”

In place of a response with words, Beau nods shakily.

"Everybody feels fear, Beau. Those who pretend they don’t are liars or fools. But what’s important is to not let it keep you from living. After all, you helped me overcome my fears.” Clara puts her free hand on Beau’s cheek. “You’ve come so far already. I’m scared too, and I don’t want to lose you. But I know that you have friends that love you very much and will do everything in their power to help you. Have faith in them, like I do. And have faith in yourself.”

Beau folds in and just leans into Clara’s embrace, weeping tears of comfort. Clara just holds her daughter close, placing a kiss in her hair. Years had come and gone, yet in this moment, it’s as if the two of them had gone back in time, back to when Beau was still just a child.

“Mommy? Um… can I sleep in your bed tonight? Like I used to as a kid?”

“Of course, dear.” She chuckles, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Beau laughs a bit and sniffles. “Hey… um… it may never come to pass, but… in case I don’t make it through this, can you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Would you… consider having TJ join the monastery, once he grows up?” Beau asks in earnest. “Or at least give him the option? I just think it’d be nice for him to learn a lot. I mean, if I do make it through this, I’ll do it myself. But… can you, if I don’t?”

“We’ll talk about that later.” And Clara quickly adds before Beau can protest: “Because there will be a ‘later’.”

Beau simply nods. “Yeah. There will be a ‘later’.”

Clara holds her tightly and kisses her on the top of the head.

The night passes, uneventful despite Beau’s fear. No whisper, no manifestation of any sort. Whether sleeping with her mother has this effect or not, she doesn’t know, all she knows is even at twenty-five, her presence comforts her. She could swear Clara is actually the one keeping nightmares away, just like she did when she was a child and Thoreau wasn’t there for a few days and couldn’t forbid the entrance to the parental bedroom. Beau couldn’t have imagined how good it would feel to have her mother back.

She does now.

* * *

Several days later, they all have breakfast at the Lavish Chateau. Jester and Fjord are the last ones to show up. As soon as the tiefling sits down, Beau asks, “Hey, Jessie. Could you send a message to Dairon?”

“Yeah, sure. Can I have breakfast first, or is it urgent?”

“No emergency, we can take care of this once you’ve eaten.”

Jester picks a donut and takes a bite. “What do you want to ch’ell ch’em?”

“Just that we will try to expel the fucker very soon.”

“Beauregard!” Clara protests. “Kids, remember? And not only TJ now,” she says with a look toward Luc.

“Too late, Clara,” Yeza moans. “Luc beat her to it. Blame my wonderful wife.”

Veth takes an innocent expression, “I’d say we’re only teaching them proper language to earn respect from others.”

Beau nods in agreement, “Yeah. If someone tries to fuck with them, they will send them on their way.”

Clara is not amused. She throws a look at TJ, who is way too occupied eating his donut to pay attention, and she whispers, “So I can’t yell at him but you can curse in front of him?”

“Ouch,” Beau winces. “Okay, you’re making a good point.”

“I don’t see what’s so bad! I learned that word when I was two!” Jester speaks up, having finished her donut. When greeted with silence, she sheepishly elaborates. “I mean… I heard it a lot around--”

“Okay, Jester! You’re not helping,” Fjord says as he facepalms.

“By the way…” Clara starts, “Marion is not joining us for breakfast?”

“She’s still sleeping,” Jester answers. “She had a lot of work yesterday, so she will probably be up late.”

“I see. Should we keep something for her?”

“No, it’s okay. She often wakes up around noon, the cooks will have something prepared for her for lunch. I bring it to her room myself sometimes.”

TJ looks at her with an intrigued expression and then turns to his mother. “Can I have lunch in my room?”

“No, TJ.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t work late like Marion.”

“Why does Marion work late?”

Clara starts feeling ill-at-ease and turns to Jester for help, but as soon as the tiefling starts explaining, she regrets asking her. “Mama invites people to her room to have--”

Fjord doesn’t interrupt her, but clears his throat loudly. She throws him a look, and then focuses back on TJ, who is still waiting for an answer. She takes a moment to think. “They spend a moment together. They talk, and sometimes they play games together.”

“Why at night?” TJ asks.

“Because… Um…” Jester tries to remember what her mother and people at the Chateau told her when she was too young to be told the truth, but she quickly realizes that the truth was never hidden to her. She looks at Beau. “Because…”

Beau tries her best to help her. She won’t tell lies to TJ about Marion’s work all his life, but she definitely thinks he shouldn’t know right now. “Because people work during the day. So they come see Marion when work is over to... relax. That’s why Marion doesn’t sleep a lot sometimes, and she needs to rest in the morning.”

TJ nods, apparently satisfied. But just when the adults think they’re done with that strange moment, Luc turns to his parents, “I want to do Marion’s work if it means I can sleep in.”

Yeza chokes on his tea and Veth glares at Beau when she giggles. “Good luck with that, Veth. Your turn.”

But she quickly regrets taunting the halfling when TJ turns to her. “Me too! I wanna relax!”

“Then we’ll all do some relaxation so we can sleep in later today,” Beau quickly says, managing to salvage the situation. “Anything you two have in mind?”

Surprisingly, the tots are quite convinced and are already offering suggestions. Clara can’t help but admire how good Beau is with a silver tongue, especially when it’s technically not a lie.

Caduceus grins in his cup of tea when he sees Jester and Yasha, in almost perfect synchronization, bend to their respective lovers and whisper into their ears. He is obviously the only one around the table able to pick up on what they’re saying, but for the others, the blush on Fjord’s and Beau’s faces are enough of an indication.

The breakfast comes to an end, Luc and TJ are taken to their preceptors, and the Mighty Nein gather to send a message to Dairon. Beau takes a moment to write down a clear and direct message, as she has only twenty-five words.

When she’s done, she looks at Jester. “Don’t freak out, okay?” She throws a look at the rest of her friends. “None of you.” She looks back at Jester. “Send the message, and once we have Dairon’s answer, we will talk. Okay?”

Jester frowns but nods, a wary expression on her face, and Beau slides her notebook toward her. The tiefling reads and then stares at her. Beau can see how upset she is. It’s clear she is fighting with herself not to chastise her right away.

She casts _Sending_ and then reads aloud. “From Beau. Have a way to kill Heartsbane. We’ll do it soon. Keep you updated. If something happens, take care of my brother and mother.”

As soon as Jester finishes her message, all the Nein give Beau severe looks. She barely pays attention, “I said we would talk about it, but _after_ Dairon’s answer.”

They keep annoyed faces, but they don’t protest and they wait for an answer that quickly comes. Jester repeats what she hears, “Good. Be careful. All of you. I will look after them, but please, make sure I don’t have to honor this promise, Beauregard.”

As soon as she finishes, Jester gives Beau a very serious look. "No one will have to look after TJ and your mama, because you will be here to do it yourself."

Beau sighs, "Jester… Guys… You know, just as I do, that anything could happen. We don't know how the ritual will go. I just wanna make sure everything is covered if I don't make it."

Caleb stares at her with an intense look. "I won't lecture you for thinking like this. All I want to say is that _we_ will look after them if need be. You know it, _ja_?"

“I do.”

Veth clears her throat and for once, it's very clear that she is serious. "It goes without saying that if anything happened to anyone here, the others would take care of those they'd leave behind. Right? During this ritual, or at any other time."

No one makes any objections.

Beau nods, "I know, which is why I asked this of Dairon, even before talking to you about this. I know it's an unspoken agreement between us. I just wanted to be sure Dairon will take care of TJ's teaching if he ever wants to join the Soul. Will you make sure of this, guys?"

“If I might say something,” Caduceus speaks up, “it always pays to get one’s affairs in order. Just in case their end is near. And even if it’s not, better not to leave any loose ends.”

“Spoken like a true grave keeper,” Fjord agrees. “We’ll honor your wishes, Beau. But _only_ if you don’t make it.”

Everyone is hesitant, but eventually nod in agreement.

“Also, just in case I don’t make it,” Beau says with determination, looking right at Caleb, “you make those stuffy wizards pay. Not only for me, but for everything. But only when Dairon gives the OK.”

Caleb nods his assent, holding the anti-magic collar they had salvaged from the Happy Fun Ball and recently restored after their trip to Eiselcross. “I’ll be sure to save a rather special surprise for one of them in particular.”

The two Empire Kids share a knowing nod. Beau then turns to Yasha, who's been awfully quiet, even if her eyes haven't left her girlfriend the entire time. Beau rubs her knee. "You will always watch over our family, right? They wouldn't survive even a minute without you."

Yasha wishes she could at least pretend and force a smile, but her heart is not in it.

Beau squeezes her knee. "You're our protector. You keep doing this, okay?"

"If I do my job right, you'll be here to help me keep them alive. If things go south..." Her voice cracks and she has to stop.

“If they do,” Beau finishes for her, “just know that I don’t regret what we have between us.”

Yasha nods and straightens her stance. She surprises herself when she manages to keep her composure.

Beau then thinks back to the other night to Clara, musing over a past conversation, then says to Yasha, “If we get through this… I’ll have a question to ask you afterward. So… keep me alive, okay?”

Yasha stares at her in silence and then surprises her when she suddenly wraps her arms around, holding her so tight that Beau is buried in her embrace and others can barely see her anymore. Yasha’s voice is assured when she whispers into her ear, “I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

“So...” Caleb speaks up. “Tomorrow?”

Beau and Yasha break the embrace and turn to Caleb. They nod as one.

Caleb nods in accord. “By the way, Beauregard, the thing you asked me for.” He pulls out the firearm she had recently constructed, now with arcane engravings. “Had to pull a few all-nighters with Yussa, but it’s ready. It’s been enchanted to not require reloading.”

Beau takes the gun from Caleb and inspects it. She is quite impressed. “Thanks. Hmm… I should give this one a name. Um...”

“While you do...” Caleb interrupts. Apparently he has something else to give. He reaches into his pocket. “For both of you.”

Beau and Yasha exchange a look and then look at him. He is holding something small enough to fit on the inside of his palm. He opens his hand and puts down on the table two rings, sliding one toward each of them. They both inspect them. They’re made of gold and a green material is embedded in them to draw runes.

Beau thinks she understands and looks up. “Is that…”

Caleb nods, “I used the jade you gave me. Yussa helped with the enchantment too, so you’ll have to thank him for a lot of things.”

Yasha is in awe. “You… You had them done… for us?”

“ _Ja_. They will actually protect you now. No superstition, just good old enchantment. And I made sure that they would be really unique.”

Beau and Yasha look closer and quickly notice the fine ornamentation on each ring: the symbol of the Knowing Mistress and the symbol of the Stormlord, mixed together to form an elegant design.

“I came up with a name for them, but feel free to change it if you want to.”

Beau looks at him. “What is it?”

“Rings of the Cobalt Storm.”

Yasha stutters, “Caleb… Th-This is amazing. You shouldn’t have.”

“It’s perfect,” Beau tells Caleb.

He shrugs and doesn’t make it a big deal, like he does every time he goes to such ends for his friends. “You will have to attune to them, though. But I think it’s worth it. You’ll feel a little more protected, and if need be, one of you can even take damage meant for another. But they work in pairs, so you’ll have to be close to each other. And Yasha… it should help you if someone or something tries to mess with your head. If Beauregard is near you, it will help you resist intrusions.”

Beau and Yasha are speechless. They turn to each other. Yasha takes her Ring of Protection off and grins as she keeps her middle finger up. Beau quickly understands and raises the same finger. They both put their respective ring on at the same time. Veth and Jester share a look and grin as they silently mouth “married”.

Beau then thinks for a moment before unfastening her bracers and setting aside the Belabor. “One of us is going to have to use the dagger. Speaking of...” She looks at Caleb. “I never got you to identify it, did I?” She hands the dagger to Caleb.

He takes it and without a word starts to set up the ritual they’ve seen him execute so many times. Only Clara is a bit intrigued. He looks around, “If you guys want to go to your own business, I can tell you when I’m done.”

No one moves and so he gets to work. Ten minutes later, the ritual is over and Caleb looks up. “The Soulrender, but we knew that already. Directly linked to the Heartsbane and the curse, and it requires attunement to be wielded effectively, but the book said that as well. It can cause damage only if the victim or their designated soulmate is using it. However, they must strike together to wipe out the Heartsbane.”

“And once it is slain?” Fjord asks, daring to sound hopeful.

Caleb shakes his head. “No idea. It was never slain, so...”

The entire room goes silent.

“Then I guess we’ll be making history,” Beau mutters darkly. “One way or another.”

Yasha tries to focus on something other than the fight to come. “So who should attune to it?”

“I’ll do it.”

Yasha turns to Beau, who is already speaking before she can interrupt. “You’re better with the Magician’s Judge than with a dagger.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Will you be alright? You’re not used to that kind of weapon.”

“I’ll manage,” Beau says as she takes her pistol and holsters it. “This gun doesn’t require attunement, right?”

“Normally such a weapon would, but we kept the enchantment basic,” Caleb reassured her.

“I’ll make some pretty holes in that jerk first, and we’ll finish it with the dagger.”

“Would you like me to help you with it?” Veth asks.

Beau looks at her with a skeptical face.

“I’m serious. I’m not saying I know more about guns than you, I’ve learned my lesson. But even if I don’t use it very often, I do have a dagger. I can show you a few tricks.”

“Um… Okay. I wanted to take the morning to train, so why not turn it into a learning session. You’re not messing with me again, are you, Veth?”

“If you are...” Yasha says with a very low tone as she cracks her knuckles. “Just be mindful.”

Veth winces but her face is actually sincere. “I know I’m an asshole most of the time, but not this time, you have my word. I just want to play my part. The truth is… I’m not sure I’ll be of any help tomorrow when only Yasha and you can fight this thing.”

“Keep TJ away from this,” Beau tells her. “That will be enough. In fact, if I don’t make it, look after him with Mom. As crazy as you are sometimes, I know you’d give your life for your kid without a second thought, and I know you’d do the same for my brother.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment I guess… But yes, that I can do.”

She gives Beau a very intense look, which is quite unusual for her. Truth be told, this is the first time Beau has seen her with such a gaze. “You were willing to give everything away for me, so that I’d have the opportunity to live a happy life with my family. I know I’m a pain in the ass, but Beau… I’ll never forget it. As long as I stand, nothing will happen to your brother. You have my word.”

Jester, seeing all this, can’t help but cry a little. “I don’t like this, Beau. It’s like you’re already saying goodbye.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time, Jessie.” Beau’s expression turns wistful, and a little morose.

“Do you think I could bargain with this thing with cupcakes?” Jester is trying to stay true to herself, but she looks incredibly sad, so much that even she can’t sell it.

Beau forces a smile, but it’s just as sad as Jester. She puts an arm around the tiefling’s shoulders. “Okay, we’ve talked about this enough. No more stressing over this, no more angst, no more crying.” She looks at everybody. “I’ll go train with Veth and after that, what do you say we spend the rest of the day together? All together. And tonight, picnic on the beach! How does it sound? We can take the pets with us, even Nugget.”

Jester grudgingly nods. “I think Mama would love that, I just need to check how she would feel about going to the beach. I’ll ask her when she’s up.”

“If she’s up for it. Don’t want her to be uncomfortable, you know? I know she’s afraid of being outside the Chateau for very long.”

“I’ll talk about it with her. She did pretty well last time.”

“Okay. But if she wants to join and doesn’t want to go out, we can just stay here. I’d like for her to be here.”

“I’ll talk to her about it.”

“Great.” Beau briefly hugs Jester and then turns to Veth. “Ready to get your ass kicked?”

“Like hell I will!”

“I’ve been training on the beach for days, you haven’t.” 

“And I’ve been using a dagger for years, you haven’t. I guess it evens the playing field.”

They share a challenging and playful grin and then prepare for their training. Fjord joins them, only to workout and watch them. Yasha comes too, while the rest of the Nein and Clara get to their own business until lunch.

* * *

The training begins with Veth explaining the basics and helping Beau with balancing a dagger and using it properly. It’s not long before the monk gets that part. When she feels ready, they do simple exercises, until they come to real combat. Fjord glances at them from time to time as he is working out and Yasha watches from afar, like a mother watching over her kids at the park.

The first rounds of sparring are quite rough for Beau. She can compete with Veth’s speed, even surpass it, but the rogue is used to techniques that she only rarely uses. But once she gets a better grip on the Soulrender and reads her opponent’s style, she easily finds the halfling’s flaws.

They’ve been training for quite some time when they decide to use both their dagger and gun. They unload their firearms, come face to face, and Fjord gives the signal as he has now finished his workout.

The fight is short and intense. They exchange a few blows, but none of them takes the lead at first. Beau ultimately finds a fatal opening and kicks Veth’s Corecut Dagger out of her hand and points her firearm, which she recently christened “Rebuttal”, and places her dagger at the throat of her pinned opponent. “I win.”

“I… I yield.” Veth reacts in shock as she scrambles to retrieve the blade after Beau releases her. “How did you get _that_ good?! Have you been holding out on me?!”

Beau holsters Rebuttal and spins the Soulrender in her hand. “I’m a quick study. Didn’t you know that by now?”

“I hadn’t realized how quick. You will put this fucker down before it even realizes what’s happening.”

_I can’t make any promises, though. It was near-unstoppable in my own psyche, and I was alone. But I have to try._

Beau does her best to hide her very present apprehension, both not to worry her friends and to convince herself everything will be okay. She cockily smiles. “I sure will. It will regret that--”

A horrible hiss resonates in her head and she needs to close her eyes for a moment.

**_We’ll see who regrets when I’m out of you and I put that dagger in your heart._ **

The voice disappears as fast as it came, only leaving the echoing hiss. Beau winces as a sharp pain overpowers her consciousness and the dagger slips out of her hand as she collapses. Veth is quick to react, but she can barely do anything to stop her from falling as she is way smaller than the human.

Yasha is sitting at a distance when she and Fjord notice. They immediately stand up and jog to their two friends. Yasha’s first instinct is to kick the dagger away from Beau, even before kneeling down next to her. “Beau! Wake up! Come back to us!”

Fjord takes his waterskin and pours some water on her face. “Come on, Beau.”

A moment passes, not even a minute, but it feels like an eternity. Beau eventually opens her eyes and blinks, partially blinded by the sun. “The fuck?”

They all let out deep sighs. Yasha wipes her hair out of her face. “Look me in the eye.”

Beau doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, but she obeys and Yasha examines her eyes closely. “Okay, you’re fine.” She sighs again in relief and cradles Beau’s head against her chest. “You’re fine.”

“O-Okay… I think we’ve done enough training for now...” Veth admits. “Um… Are we still on for that picnic? Or… What if you...”

Beau gently breaks from Yasha’s tight embrace. “Of course. I won’t let that jerk steal my last--” She pauses and quickly corrects herself, “I won’t let it spoil my fucking vacation.”

She stands up on wobbly legs and Yasha throws her a worried look, “I’m not sure we should maintain the picnic. Maybe we can just--”

Beau turns and yells with no warning, **“I won’t let this fucking thing win!”**

They all stare at her, not surprised, but surely startled by her sudden loss of nerve.

She inhales shakily. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t yell at you. I… I want to stick to what I suggested earlier.”

She looks around and spots the Soulrender. Without a word, she walks to where it was kicked and picks it up to sheathe it. She turns to her friends and gives them a head motion. “Come on. I need a bath. We all do.”

With that, she starts walking toward the city and the three of them follow in silence.

The rest of the day soon after passes with an unshakable tension in the air, but they all try to enjoy it as much as possible. When the night comes, they clear the performance hall of all the tables and chairs. Marion doesn’t feel like going outside, so with the help of magic and a bit of creativity, they turn it into the closest thing to a beach.

Caleb casts _Programmed Illusion_ to create an amber-colored shore with waves crashing on it. Fjords casts _Major Image_ to help him with a bit of fauna. Jester and Caduceus both use _Thaumaturgy_ to put up a nice ambiance. Even Beau adds a bit of flair with her limited casting by providing two minutes of _Faerie Fire_. They bring towels and all sorts of stuff to make it as real as possible. Sprinkle, Henriette, Frumpkin, Nugget and Harey are allowed to run around freely, and even Sprinkle is compelled to not eat the poor bunny.

They dim down all the lights and Caleb puts his globules up with a nice orange glow, and just like that, they have a picnic at the ‘beach’. The tension finally subsides and they can enjoy this moment all together. Being in such positive, loving energy is enough to stave off the Heartsbane’s venomous presence that Beau is sensing even when it is silent. It gives her hope for tomorrow.

“Are you afraid?”

Beau looks up to Yasha, the aasimar holding her close. The question lingers in Beau’s mind, as she recalls Yasha asking her this same question before.

“Yeah. I’m scared,” Beau admits as she nestles closer into Yasha’s embrace. “But I trust you. I trust you to catch me as I fall. I trust you to heal me even if you hurt me. I trust you with my life.”

Yasha nods, glancing at the matching gold and jade rings on their fingers. “I’m scared, too. But it’s only natural to be scared.”

“Everybody feels fear,” Beau says to Yasha, citing the very same words Clara had said to her. “And those who pretend they don’t are liars or fools. But what’s important is to not let it keep you from living.”

She adjusts her position so that she’s sitting up and directly facing Yasha. "I was scared to fall in love. You were scared to open your heart again. But compared to that, I'm more scared of living with this thing inside me for the rest of my life, because my will could give out at any time, without warning.”

She takes her hand and intertwines it with Yasha’s. “But it’s not over yet. So let's face that fear together."

Yasha nods, placing a kiss on Beau’s forehead. “Together.”

* * *

Dawn arrives with the sun cresting over the distant mountains.

The Mighty Nein all gather in an isolated space outside of Nicodranas, except for Veth who has already ushered TJ and Clara away after one last hug to Beau. When they protested, Veth insisted to Clara, “TJ doesn’t need to see this. Please.” That was just enough to convince her.

The rest of the party are together, Beau looking at her reflection in the Soulrender with a look of intense anxiety. At the edge of her peripheral vision, Yasha’s sharpening the Magician’s Judge with a whetstone. Beau notices that she’s wearing her leathers once more, supposedly because it’s been what she’d worn into battle many times. The only difference is that the sleeve of her left arm was completely torn off, revealing her emerald/residuum gem tattoo. Her shawl is nowhere to be seen. She has no war paint, and yet she looks more feral than ever with her long white hair pulled back into a singular braid.

Beau realizes with some concern that it has been quite a while since she had last been in actual combat, sparring and training not quite counting. Her mind is already racing, thinking of anything she could muster to prepare herself. But she knows that there is very little more that can be done. The clerics have already offered their own preparations to the two sentinels, so all that is left is the actual deed.

As if on cue…

“Beauregard? It’s time.” She looks up to see Caleb standing by a crudely made altar of some sort, not unlike the kind used for cult rituals and the like. The altar itself was constructed by the wizard through his expertise in transmutation.

Beau takes a deep breath. “Let’s get it over with.”

She steps up the three small stairs leading to the actual altar and swiftly lays onto it, unbuttoning the front buttons of her tunic that cover up the scar as she goes. She clenches her fists to try to stop them from shaking.

Her mind goes back to a similar moment, only it was raining and it was indoors as opposed to outside. Another altar, inside a familiar cathedral, as her body had slumped on top of it. And sure enough, at that moment, Yasha was hovering above her just as she is now, only with a different weapon and different state of mind.

Caleb is already stepping away from the altar and joining the Nein. From here on out, it’s just Beau and Yasha.

“Ready?”

Beau nods to Yasha’s question as she hands her the Soulrender. “You know what to do.”

As Yasha takes the dagger, Beau’s eyes never leave the sight of the weapon gleaming menacingly in the Nicodranian sun. Her heart begins to beat faster. It’s an all too familiar feeling, like being back in the Chantry all over again. The moment their “first beginning” took an inescapable turn. That moment changed them both, marked them both.

But soon… Soon it would all be over. Beau would be free of the curse once and for all. She and Yasha could finally have their “second beginning” all to themselves.

_It will… all be over…_

Yasha raises the dagger overhead as her eyes meet Beau’s, their steely gazes locked.

_You can do this, Yasha. You can do this. You can do this._

Beau closes her eyes, bracing herself for that all-too-familiar plunge of steel piercing flesh, rending bone and sinew. A sensation that she is sadly no stranger to. But she is not afraid. She cannot be afraid. She--

 **_But you_ ** **are** **_afraid._ **

Fuck. Her concentration lapsed right at the worst time. Beau tries to calm herself down, but it’s too late. Fear is already clawing at her very soul. Fear that is quickly clouding her awareness. She hears the whoosh of the dagger coming at her as her eyes open…

…and the blade does not connect. In fact, she sees her hand grasping onto Yasha’s wrist, the blade inches from her chest. But Beau didn’t do that intentionally. It was like… she had no control over her own body. Just like she has no control over her own voice when she speaks with a pleading tone.

_“Yash, don’t do it!”_

And just as she realizes this, her vision goes hazy with a faint tint of red as she sees Yasha’s horrified gaze meeting hers.

 **_And you are_ ** **MINE** ** _._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the words of the Lore Keeper Dani Carr... HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL!
> 
> \----------
> 
> By the way, for those curious, here's the lowdown on the Rings of the Cobalt Storm:
> 
> Ring, very rare (requires attunement)  
> These gold rings are laced with jade runes that provide a powerful protective enchantment to the wearers.  
> When both wearers of the rings are within 120 feet of each other, they each have the following benefits:  
> * They gain a +1 bonus to their Armor Class and saving throws. Moreover, they have advantage on saving throws against spells or other abilities that alter the mind.  
> * As a bonus action, one wearer can immediately teleport to the other up to an unoccupied space within 60 feet of them. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus, and you regain expended uses when you finish a long rest.  
> * Once per round, when one of the wearers take damage, either one can use their reaction to either split the damage or completely take the full amount in place of the other.
> 
> As for the stats on the Soulrender and Rebuttal, those will come once the proper fight happens.  
> Same goes for a certain spell that Beau created along with Caleb. All will be revealed in time.


	21. Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I stand behind a wall of people and thoughts, mind controlling  
> And I hold a sword to guide me/I'm fighting my way  
> I can't recall the last time I opened my eyes to see the world as beautiful  
> And I built a cage to hide in/I'm hiding, I'm trying to battle the night  
> Underneath darkened skies/There's a light that don't lie  
> Let love conquer your mind/Just reach out for the light
> 
> I am a Warrior, warrior of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A battle of wits and wills to save a Cobalt Soul.
> 
> Fair warning: THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY VIOLENT! And it's shorter than usual because we felt it proper to keep the battle limited to one chapter.
> 
> The post-battle aftercare is for the next chapter.

**_And you are_ ** **MINE** ** _._ **

The dooming words resonate in Beau’s mind, the accompanying hiss she had heard before threatening to drown out her awareness, and as she is laying there, seeing a grip not made by her own conscious thought holding firm against the wrist of the woman she loves, she’s forced to face a grim reality.

Somehow, the Heartsbane is controlling her body. She is but an observer, a prisoner in her own mind.

_Is this what Yasha felt? When Obann took her back as his puppet?_

**_Of course it is. But you know this all too well, don’t you? A marionette with cut strings, finally back in the hands of a puppeteer, like you belong. Or have you forgotten?_ **

Beau can’t ignore the voice. It’s as loud as ever, no other voices are audible to her. Unlike the assault on the beach the day before, she can’t feel pain, which helps. What doesn’t, though, is that the fiend’s words are unceasing.

**_From the day you were born, your will was never your own. Even when you rebelled against your old man. Even after you “embraced” your responsibility as an Expositor. You were never anything more than a puppet. I’m just reminding you of your role, putting you back in your place._ **

**_But alas. I’ve already grown bored of our playtime. Soon… the strings will be cut one last time, and it’s back to the toy chest with you… or to the refuse._ **

**_A fitting fate for a worthless human like you._ **

_No, you’re wrong. I have a place in the world. And I’m not your plaything._

**_Oh, you really are a good liar. Even now, you deceive yourself. Give in already, Beauregard. Playtime is over._ **

“Beau!”

A sudden shout cuts through the noise of the Heartsbane’s verbal assault. Her vision clears, despite the red haze, and she sees confusion and hesitation in Yasha’s eyes, the Soulrender held between them at a standstill, the two of them at a stalemate.

**_She can’t do it. She won’t. You’re a fool for placing your faith in her. A woman who still cannot forgive herself for leaving her lovely wife to die and fleeing into the wastes like the coward she is._ **

The oratory onslaught continues as Beau fights it with all of her will.

_She’s no coward. She’s a survivor. And so am I._

**_She’s worthless. And so are you. What a perfect pair you would make._ **

Beau’s psyche strains against the Heartsbane’s malevolence. She can’t afford to lose to this thing. Not now. Finally, after a long mental tug-of-war, Beau briefly regains control and shouts to Yasha.

“Do it!”

She tries to let go of Yasha’s wrist, but the Heartsbane stops her and keeps holding the Soulrender in place, her next words spoken unwillingly. _“Yasha, no! What if we were wrong? I don’t want to do it anymore!”_

Yasha’s eyes narrow, looking right at Beau’s. The monk is unsure as to what she’s trying to discern. Beau briefly looks at the dagger and when she sees her reflection, her eyes are glowing with a dim red aura, the same shade of crimson that is tainting her field of vision.

And yet, as they flicker between its red and her blue, she looks at Yasha.

And that’s when it hits her.

**_“They… They flickered. They were blue, and then they weren’t. They had a red glow.”_ **

Beau realizes now why Yasha kept staring at her with scrutiny for some time now. And she realizes that Yasha’s not fooled in the slightest.

**_“I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you a lot.”_ **

Yasha’s voice is low, yet fierce. “You’re not Beau. Because you’re a terrible liar.”

_“No! I’m being serious, Yash! I… I might be wrong! I...”_

Her mouth is moving against her will, but Beau’s eyes are still looking right at her… as if the two of them are making a silent agreement. Beau’s other arm reaches for Yasha, one hand gripping the wrist… and the other on the pommel of the Soulrender.

**_W-What are you doing?!_ **

_If you want me to give in so badly, then I will do just that. Just doing what you kept wanting me to do._

**_W-What?! N-NO!_ **

Instead of resisting the Heartsbane and trying to release Yasha’s arm, Beau holds onto it and uses it to pull herself up. At the same time Yasha puts her hand on top of Beau’s, the one placed at the pommel of the dagger’s hilt.

 _“Together,”_ Beau mouths silently to Yasha of her own free will once more as they push the dagger into her body.

The pain is instant as the blade finds its mark, blood already pooling in her mouth. More flashes of the Chantry return to flood Beau’s consciousness, threatening to drown her in darkness, but her eyes remain open and focused on Yasha. One moment, it’s her as she was, eyes dead and expression blank, the next they’re full of life and she is… angry. Pained, yet angry. The only thing in common… are the tears.

But what happens next… is a sensation completely alien. A sensation that is even more agonizing than the blade itself embedded in her rib cage.

The sound of a shrill, demonic scream.

It causes Beau to tighten her grip on Yasha’s wrist. If the dagger wasn’t already into her chest up to the hilt, she would push it deeper just with that. The scream intensifies as it now erupts from her own mouth… and is joined by her own human scream in stereo.

It’s the absolute sound of nightmares, sure to be burned into the minds of those present for days to come.

Fjord can’t refrain an instinctive movement forward, but Jester grabs his arm and holds onto him as she is standing by, ready to provide aid as soon as the Heartsbane is completely out of Beau. Caleb and Caduceus, both tense, watch with worried expressions.

Beau feels like her throat is burning, as if her blood was turning into acid. She rolls to the side and coughs to get it out, and she feels a jolt into Yasha’s arm. She tries to speak, but can’t, so she puts a hand around the Soulrender’s handle, enveloping Yasha’s hand, to make sure the dagger stays where it is until the Heartsbane is expelled.

Beau manages to cough out enough blood to scream at the top of her lungs, “ **GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BODY, YOU FUCKING OLD MAGIC PIECE OF SHIT!** ”

She suddenly feels her stomach twist and gags. It literally feels like she is vomiting the entity that’s been inhabiting her body for the past weeks. She hears the same hiss that she heard the day before, and the pain adds to the one from the piercing dagger, her burning throat and her twisting stomach. If it wasn’t for her iron will, she would pass out immediately.

To those witnessing this, it is both terrifying and morbidly mesmerizing. Blood is pouring from both the wound and Beau’s mouth, dripping down the altar, and from the pool slowly forming at its foot, black fumes start to emanate. The blood seems to collect and a silhouette rises. A tall, thin, elongated silhouette. And from the blood that was smudged on the dagger’s handle, a gnarled, clawed hand forms.

There are now three hands on the Soulrender: Yasha’s, Beau’s, and something… not. The two Sentinels stare at the creature with wide eyes and expressions of terror, and the rest of the Mighty Nein are just as shocked.

It was a nightmare given a physical, tangible form, just as the tomes had stated.

An ancient relic of the Age of Arcanum, reborn in a post-Divergence Exandria.

And now… it is standing before the Mighty Nein.

Standing before the soulmates that are Yasha Nydoorin and Beauregard Lionett.

It is a nightmare given a physical, tangible form.

A nightmare that would not be easy to wake up from.

* * *

The fiend that just emerged from Beau is mostly humanoid in shape. At first glance, its reddish aspect seems to be caused by the blood it rose from. But as the liquid drips from its frame, they all realize that it’s simply flesh and muscles left exposed, with no skin to cover them. It would be tempting to assume it makes it more vulnerable, but probably too good to be true. The creature is also a bit taller than Yasha, but the silhouette is way thinner, yet it looks strong and robust. Its limbs are longer than those of a human would be, in comparison to the rest of its body. In place of eyes, it has two holes that glow an intense red light. Its mouth has no lips and is formed just by rows of sharpened shark teeth.

The whole vision is just as horrifying as Beau remembers, and now they can all see it with their own eyes.

 _“Well, you wanted me out...”_ The voice is distorted, just like it was in Beau’s nightmares when it gave up on its disguise and revealed its true form. _“Here I am.”_

The Heartsbane tightens its grip on the Soulrender and pulls it out with such strength and violence that Beau’s body is partially dragged with it and she falls from the altar. As soon as she hits the ground, chaos is unleashed.

Yasha isn’t quick enough to catch Beau, but she doesn’t let go of the Soulrender. She lets her rage completely fill her and holds onto the dagger before landing a brutal punch to her opponent’s face, but the Heartsbane doesn’t let go either.

Beau is left writhing on the ground, barely clinging to life after the Soulrender was removed so brutally, lungs aching for air, her rib cage no doubt all but destroyed. She looks to the side, seeing the horrified faces of her found family. She reaches out with one trembling hand to Jester. The sapphire tiefling snaps out of her terror and casts _Heal_ on Beau. The wound on her chest closes up, her rib cage mending just as quickly, only leaving blood in its wake.

Beau stands up and gathers her thoughts as quickly as possible. After wiping much of the blood from her mouth and spitting out what remains, she closes her eyes and steadies her ragged breathing as she concentrates on casting the spell she created with Caleb not too long ago. An invigorating wave of arcane energy bursts through her whole body and she instantly feels sturdier and more focused.

A spell that embodies who Beau is as a whole, crafted by her own hands and those of her dear brother.

_Lionett’s Cobalt Soul._

Beau opens her eyes with renewed vigor. In their fight for the dagger, Yasha and the Heartsbane had gotten a few feet away from the altar. Reaching for her sidearm, Beau immediately takes aim with Rebuttal and fires. The Heartsbane hisses in pain when it gets hit in the arm with one shot and the dagger clatters to the ground with the second. It turns to Beau and its eyes glow brighter.

“Beau!” Yasha calls out as she places her boot on the dagger and kicks it to the monk.

Beau catches it easily and holds it tight. The Heartsbane didn’t move its head at all, despite the movements around it, and she immediately recognizes this lack of reaction to visual stimuli, because she has seen it before with Henriette.

“Yasha, it’s blind!”

The aasimar is already going for the Magician’s Judge. She draws it and goes for a wide swipe. The fiend doesn’t look in her direction but still dodges out of the way with ease.

_“I can’t see, but I can hear.”_

It tries to leave Yasha’s perimeter, but she strikes again and this time, she hits, keeping it in place. Even if the Heartsbane lacks actual features and has no proper expression, its low hiss is enough for Yasha to know it is **pissed**.

_“You’re not the one I want at the moment.”_

Beau fires twice more, but her shots go wide as the creature swiftly turns to face Yasha. With surreal speed and claws that they hadn’t quite noticed earlier, it slashes twice. The aasimar avoids the first attack, but the second one leaves a deep gash into her left side. She winces, but her rage drowns the pain.

As Yasha looks up, she sees Beau sneaking behind the Heartsbane. She keeps a stern face and prepares for another attack with the Magician’s Judge to try and hit at the same time as the monk. But as Beau raises the Soulrender above her head, the Heartsbane suddenly turns around and faces her. Although she is taken by surprise, as she thought she wasn’t making any noise, she tries to hit, but the fiend stops her arm. She frowns when she hears its voice inside of her head.

**_I don’t need to hear you. We still share a bond. I know where you are at all times, you can’t hide from me._ **

Beau thought she wouldn’t hear it anymore once expelled, and it deeply shakes her to discover it can still telepathically talk to her. Yasha doesn’t know what is happening, but she takes the opportunity and attacks twice in a row. Both of her strikes hit, but the Heartsbane takes it without flinching. Beau knows it’s blind, but she feels like it’s staring right into her soul and she shivers.

The fiend attacks Beau and as she is still shaken up and grappled, she can’t dodge. It goes right for the chest and leaves two nasty gash marks there. The pain brings Beau back to reality and she tries to hit with the dagger, but misses. Out of sheer frustration, she jams Rebuttal against the Heartsbane’s chest and shoots at point-blank range. It takes some damage, but not as much at it would have with the Soulrender, she is certain of it.

Yasha keeps attacking, but the Heartsbane pays no attention to her and stays focused on Beau. Enraged and upset, she yells, **_“I’m right here, fucker!”_ **

With that, she pierces right through its abdomen. This time, the fiend lets out a squealing screech as Beau is released from its grip. Yasha takes out her sword and as soon as it has its freedom of movement back, the Heartsbane turns. She tries to swipe at it, but it catches the Magician’s Judge with its bare hand, not caring that it’s hurting itself. With its other hand, it grabs Yasha’s throat.

_“Just give me a moment to take over her body and I’ll be with you in a minute, my love.”_

Its voice could almost resemble Beau’s if it wasn’t so distorted. It has its face just inches away from Yasha’s. It briefly lifts her like her massive barbarian body weighs nothing, and violently smashes her onto the ground. The impact forces all the air out of Yasha’s lungs and even in her current state of rage, it hurts.

The Heartsbane bends down over her, its threatening toothy mouth right above hers as if it was about to kiss her.

_“Now, be nice and stay right here.”_

It releases its grip and stands up right in time to stop Beau’s attempt at stabbing it. The fiend immediately retaliates with its claws, but Beau dodges and backs off.

The Mighty Nein are anxiously watching on as Beau and the Heartsbane go into a deadly ballet, chasing after each other, attacking, countering. Soon, Yasha is back on her feet and joins the fight again, but just like before, the fiend completely ignores her. It avoids or counters her attacks and rarely retaliates. It’s just completely ignoring her, focusing entirely on Beauregard.

Until it doesn’t.

_“Enough!”_

It doesn’t even slash Beau, just slaps her across the face, strong enough to put her to the ground. As enduring as she is, the monk is starting to pant and is not as resistant as usual at this point. Beau pauses and tries to steady her breathing, willing her ki into mending her wounds ever so slightly.

The Heartsbane turns around and its eyes suddenly glow brighter. Yasha feels an all-too-familiar sensation into her mind as the fiend moves its hands and mutters an incantation. She tries to resist the effect and senses the ring she is wearing activate, but it’s not enough. She is utterly helpless as she is left standing in place, her mind momentarily beguiled.

Beau is about to stand up, but she freezes as she sees Yasha’s eyes suddenly hazy. “No! Snap out of it, Yasha!”

The aasimar has no reaction. The Heartsbane would probably smirk if it had lips. Instead, it lets out a low chuckle and orders, _“Stay put. Or, no...”_ It tilts its head toward Beau. _“I need this dagger. Help me get it, but don’t kill her.”_

The others are too far away to hear what it’s saying, but they immediately notice Yasha’s empty gaze and her mechanical movements as she walks toward Beau, who is now on her feet.

Fjord groans, “Fuck!”

As he is running toward them, he casts _Eldritch Blast_. It hits Yasha, but she keeps getting closer with the same blank expression. Fjord prepares the same spell. “Beau, focus on the Heartsbane! I’ll take care of Yasha!” He casts again, but this time he misses.

The fiend is on Beau again, but after her short moment of recovery she channels her anger and focuses as she lands a blow to the creature’s throat, but the stunning strike doesn’t take effect.

 **_Your little monk tricks won’t work on me. Yet I know what will work on_ ** **you.**

The Heartsbane tries to slash Beau, but she dodges. She sees the fiend’s eyes glowing brighter, and she knows it’s attempting something. She quickly recognizes the somatic movements it just used on Yasha, but she manages to resist it.

As it is casting, she takes the opportunity and goes for an attack. The creature barely avoids a close-range shot from Rebuttal, and Beau’s momentum takes her past her opponent, but she uses this to her advantage and plunges the Soulrender into the back of its shoulder.

The Heartsbane lets out a scream, maybe the first real cry of pain since the fight started.

The fiend turns to face Beau… but senses the tactical error the monk made it do as Yasha comes back to her senses.

“Fjord, get her healed and get the _fuck_ away!”

The half-orc doesn’t question Beau’s order, nor does he even turn around. He just obeys and gives a heartfelt “Welcome back” as he lays a powerful _Cure Wounds_ into Yasha and gets away from the fight, but he remains closer than he was before, in case his help would be needed again.

Beau takes the dagger out and doesn’t pay any mind to the fiend that is now behind her. She tightens her grip on Rebuttal, as Yasha blinks a bit more once her awareness is back to normal… and then her eyes widen. **“Beau!”**

The monk is not fast enough. She turns around but can’t dodge or even counter and the Heartsbane’s claws hit her across the chest. But as she braces herself to take the pain, nothing happens. She hears a grunt behind her and realizes Yasha just used her ring to take the damage that was meant for her.

The Heartsbane hisses, _“Nice trick.”_

It tries to cast _Dominate Person_ again, but Beau resists it a second time.

**_You weren’t kidding when you said you were a disappointment._ **

Even in the middle of one of the most dangerous battles she’s ever fought, Beau can’t help but grin. But it quickly fades when the Heartsbane gets into another series of attacks. Except this time, it’s angry. Really angry. And even more accurate than before. Yasha is attacking again, and the fiend is now more intent on avoiding her hits, even if it’s still mainly focusing on Beau as it’s trying to get the Soulrender.

The Heartsbane doesn’t manage to grab the dagger, but at some point, it slaps it out of Beau’s hand. The Soulrender slides across the ground with a metallic sound before it comes to a stop, out of reach.

Immediately, all three of them rush over, but Beau quickly stops when a painful hiss echoes in her head. She falls to her knees and is about to pass out, but she manages to resist. But the sound is ringing into her ears and keeps her onto the ground.

Yasha is faster than the Heartsbane, but the latter is right behind her and slashes all the length of her back. It then grabs her hair, pulls her backward, and its claw goes over her shoulder and gashes her chest, going upward from the ribs to the shoulder. It pulls her hair so violently that Yasha falls to the ground.

With its two opponents currently prone, the Heartsbane steps forward. But as it is about to grab the Soulrender, a wall of fire appears right in front of it. The fiend reflexively recoils. A satisfied grin rises on Caleb’s lips, but it disappears as fast as it came. The Heartsbane is within the range of his spell and yet, it doesn’t seem to get hurt. Just as he realizes this, he hears Beau cry out.

All eyes land on her as she is about to stand up, but she falls back onto her knees and holds onto her arm. Even from a distance, Caduceus notices the burning marks on her hand and instantly understands. “Caleb, drop your spell!”

Caleb notices right after him and understands as well what is going on. He immediately drops his spell and Jester throws him a puzzled look. “What happened?!”

Caduceus seems to be freaking out, and it’s as unusual as it’s worrying. “I-I think we didn’t understand what was written in the books.”

Caleb clenches his jaw, “It’s not only that we can’t attack the Heartsbane. If we do, Beauregard will take the damage in its place.”

Jester gasps and looks back at Beau, who is whimpering as she is still holding her arm against her. Yasha quickly stands up and runs to her. She almost crashes on the ground next to her and immediately grabs her arm. “It’s okay, Beau. It’s okay.”

She casts _Healing Hands_ and the burn scars fade. She looks up at the exact moment Beau’s eyes widen.

**“Yasha!”**

The aasimar doesn’t even try to get out of the way, doesn’t even try to counter with her sword. She wraps her arms around Beau and holds her close to her.

In this position, Beau can’t see what is happening, she can’t even aim with Rebuttal, but just with the sound she hears, she knows Yasha’s wings have just bamfed out. Just as they envelop them both, the blade of the Soulrender pierces one of them and appears inside the protective cocoon they’re forming. Beau startles, but Yasha doesn’t flinch.

They hear a low rumble of thunder and Beau realizes that the wind is picking up and Yasha’s wings are probably not the only reason why it seems to be suddenly darker.

The Heartsbane’s tone is mocking when it speaks, _“You wanted them gone, that’s what you said, right? I can help with that.”_

The blade disappears from Beau’s reduced vision, but the following second, she hears the sound of pierced flesh again.

And again, and again, and again.

Each time, another roll of thunder is audible, getting closer and closer. None of the strikes reach Beau, and the aasimar takes each repeated blow to her back with muffled groans, but the immaculate wings are slowly but surely tainted with the red liquid pouring from the wounds.

_“I will shred them to pieces. Or maybe I should pin you like a hunting trophy. What do you think, birdie?”_

Beau is petrified, unable to move or speak, until blood spurts on her face. “Yasha, stop! Do something, or I will!” Just as she finishes, she activates her own ring. Yasha’s groans suddenly stop and Beau feels every hit as if the Heartsbane was striking directly at her own back. Yasha remains silent for a few seconds, and then a feral growl leaves her.

With no warning, the two wings briskly unfold and lightning crashes dangerously close. The sheer force of the wings is enough to throw the fiend to the ground. Yasha releases Beau and in one swift motion, she turns around and grabs the creature by the throat. She doesn’t exactly take off, rather she uses her wings to give her a boost as she pushes on her legs.

But the result is the same: she propels herself, holding the Heartsbane in front of her, and smashes the creature against the altar with such strength that the stone cracks in two. At the exact same moment, thunder illuminates the now very dark sky and lightning hits again.

Yasha raises the Magician’s Judge above her head and brings it down to pin the Heartsbane’s shoulder to the altar. The creature squeals and immediately retaliates, but Yasha takes the two strikes without flinching. She takes out Skingorger and with the same downward movement from above her head, she impales the fiend right through the chest. Its scream is even louder this time.

As her wings are fading away, Yasha bends down until she has her face right in front of the Heartsbane’s. Her eyes are injected with blood and spit has gathered at the corner of her mouth like a rabid animal. She stares right into the fiend’s eyes, even if she knows it can’t see her.

“How does it feel?”

_“It tingles, but probably not as bad as what she felt when you stabbed her. You’re going to need this if you want to finish me.”_

With that, the Heartsbane plunges the dagger into Yasha’s shoulder. The aasimar avoids a fatal strike, a little to the left and it would have been right into her neck. She groans, but barely winces. The fiend cackles madly.

_“It’s the only thing that can kill me, but it doesn’t mean it can’t hurt others.”_

It takes the Soulrender out and kicks Yasha off. Its eyes lighten up once more and the aasimar knows it's a bad omen, although the hand motions are different this time, but she can’t do anything. But as she is preparing to face whatever effect might occur, nothing happens. The creature huffs in frustration and Yasha looks to the side when she hears Caleb’s voice.

“ _Forcecage_. Good one. But not under my watch.”

The wizard is standing next to the altar. Jester is with him, holding his arms, and Yasha realizes they just teleported through a _Dimension Door_ and Caleb had cast _Counterspell_. The Heartsbane snarls and despite its lack of facial expression, it’s easy to guess how angry it must be.

But the unexpected intervention distracts the creature and when it realizes what is happening, it’s too late.

The Soulrender is snatched right out of its hand by a spectral one. Yasha looks up and discovers a familiar halfling on top of the altar. Even through her rage, she smiles. “Veth!”

Beau joins right at this moment. “For once, I’m glad you didn’t keep your fucking promise and didn’t stay with TJ.” The _Mage Hand_ floats toward her and gives her the dagger before disappearing.

The Heartsbane is now visibly furious. It grits his teeth and all five of them hear a high-pitched hiss inside their heads. They wince and cover their ears, as useless as it is. Yasha manages to stay conscious, but the horrible sound hurts bad. She is heavily panting. “Go! We can’t protect you on top of ourselves!”

The hiss stops and fortunately, they’re all still conscious. Jester teleports again with Caleb, and Veth dashes to join Fjord and Caduceus, who stayed behind.

As they are still reeling from the psychic attack, the Heartsbane frees itself from the two greatswords pinning it to the altar, throwing the Magician’s Judge out of Yasha’s reach.

But the creature is still holding an iron grip on the Skingorger.

Beau is about to run and strike with the Soulrender, but right at this moment, the fiend stands up and another painful psychic attack stops her. She doesn’t know how much longer she can hold on without fainting.

She opens her eyes when the pain fades away and just as she does, she sees the Heartsbane strike at Yasha with her own rusted blade, the barbarian herself disarmed and helpless.

The Skingorger held in the Heartsbane’s fiendish grip shreds through Yasha’s aasimar flesh easily and Beau sees her fall to her knees. Even for her constitution and despite her rage, it’s too much for Yasha. The Heartsbane didn’t hit her directly many times, but through the rings, she took a lot of the damage that was meant for Beau, and then she had to endure severe injuries when she protected her with her wings.

Beau knows they anticipated this, but the despair takes hold anyway when she sees Yasha’s eyes roll back from a brutal backswing that throws her against the altar.

As soon as it happens, the spell Caduceus had cast on both of them before the ritual is triggered and _Death Ward_ saves Yasha.

But Beau doesn’t even have time to feel relieved as immediately after the first attack, the Heartsbane is raising the Skingorger… exactly as Yasha had before, back in the Chantry of the Dawn.

**_“NO! YASHA!”_ **

Beau goes into a sprint as she pulls out Rebuttal in desperation, firing and trying to distract the Heartsbane.

One shot goes wide.

The other… doesn’t even discharge as the gun jams from a misfire. Beau tosses the gun aside in a fit of rage.

As Yasha is on her knees, the Skingorger comes from above and savagely impales her right in the chest with so much strength that she herself is now pinned to the altar, just as Yasha had futilely done to the fiend, the gigantic sword sticking right out.

Such a blow should have been the death of Yasha… if not for her eyes staying open and shining with a renewed rage as she stays conscious despite being impaled. The first cry of pain that leaves her quickly turns into a feral holler.

Right as Beau is getting at the Heartsbane, she feels a sensation she has grown familiar with and sees Caleb out of the corner of her eye, barely in range, casting _Haste_. The fiend is heavily wounded, and Beau knows she can weaken it enough for Yasha to be able to join and help her finish it.

But as she is about to hit with the Soulrender, the hiss resonates once more. This time, she is not strong enough to hold on. Just like Yasha, she’s taken too much damage.

Her vision darkens and she feels herself drifting away as the psychic attack overpowers her.

Yasha literally yanks the greatsword out of her body, the pain enough to make her rage persist. She rises just in time to see Beau collapse to the ground as her legs give away, just like she saw happen several times in the past days.

A desperate scream leaves her throat.

**“BEAU!”**

She pushes her body to its last limits, even as her muscles are sore and begging for rest, and stands up. But she is not fast enough. The Heartsbane grabs the Soulrender that fell out of Beau’s grip with one hand, and her limp body with the other.

The fiend knows she is still alive, only unconscious because of its psychic attack.

But she won’t be for long.

**“LET HER GO!”**

As she screams like a beast, Yasha uses her ring and teleports to Beau. She stops the fiend right before the Soulrender hits Beau and saves her. The Heartsbane instantly tries to break free from her grip and while they struggle, it releases Beau and the dagger drops. The monk falls and when she harshly hits the ground, her own _Death Ward_ triggers in turn. Her eyes fling open and she inhales sharply.

Yasha is fuming. She is so deep into her rage at this point that she barely notices Beau is conscious again. With a primal scream, she completely palms the face of the Heartsbane, not caring that its sharp teeth are partially cutting her skin.

She lifts the fiend into the air and brings it down to the ground with one powerful move. The shock in itself would probably be enough to kill it if the dagger wasn’t mandatory.

With her hasted movements, Beau grabs the Soulrender, gets back onto her feet, and rests a hand on Yasha’s shoulder.

**“NOW!”**

As she is bringing the Soulrender down with unnatural speed, Yasha joins her and grips the dagger’s handle with her. They both start hearing the psychic hiss one more time, but it instantly stops when they plunge the Soulrender into the Heartsbane’s chest.

The squealing that was only audible inside their heads suddenly resonates in the air as the fiend opens its mouth and screams in pain. It’s just as horrible, but at least it doesn’t hurt them anymore.

Beau and Yasha mercilessly push the blade further in unison and the wail gets louder. The Heartsbane struggles and tries to get the Soulrender out, but it’s too late. Yasha puts her hand over the handle. Beau’s hand clasps over it.

“Not holding back this time, right, Yash?!” Beau shouts amidst the screech.

Yasha fiercely nods and, as one, they twist the knife with all their strength, pushing it to the hilt for good measure. The fiend emits one last hiss and falls limp, the glow of its eyes slowly fading away until completely disappearing.

And just like that, the Heartsbane, an accursed relic of the Age of Arcanum… is no more.

* * *

The Nicodranian sun that was once overhead is completely obscured, the sky overcast as rain begins to fall, the soft rumble of thunder in the distance continuing.

Silence falls around a battlefield soaked with so much blood that it couldn’t have been from just three combatants. All that’s left is the heavy panting from those on the sidelines, the two warrior women crouched over their fallen foe, and the ongoing storm that serves as a welcome respite.

On instinct, Beau uses the last of her magic to heal Yasha as little as she can, placing her hand over the deep gash across the aasimar’s chest that now matches her own. The wound is not completely closed, but at least she won’t bleed out.

The rage fades from Yasha’s eyes, her lungs taking in a pained gasp of air. Beau can only smile weakly in response just as her own spell fades and she collapses from overexertion and exhaustion, the aasimar herself following suit.

They are both badly wounded, pushed beyond their limits mentally, physically, and emotionally. But they are both still breathing, and thus still alive.

They look on as the still body of the Heartsbane and the Soulrender plunged inside it to the hilt both smolder and smoke. Their eyes do not leave such a sight until slowly, but surely, both monster and weapon disintegrate to ash that melts into the rain-soaked earth below.

As they’re lying on the ground, a gentle rainfall still showering them both and washing the blood from their bodies, their eyes finally meet each other. Beau weakly smiles.

“Now that’s one hell of a second beginning.”

Yasha is unsure that she even understands what Beau is talking about, but she smiles nevertheless as she finds Beau’s hand and the monk holds it tight. They hear hasty footsteps and recognize the voices of their friends.

As soon as the Mighty Nein has joined them, Jester and Caduceus heal the two Sentinels. Once most of their wounds are closed, the Nein help them sit up and support them.

“Is it over? Finally?” Jester asks, unable to hide the fear in her voice.

Beau looks at Yasha, who looks back in turn. She then turns to Jester. “Yeah. Finally. Thank gods it’s gone...”

She winces a bit, still feeling tremendous pain for the numerous gashes and bruising she took, especially right in the rib cage. “I don’t know about you guys… but I don’t wanna do anything tonight… or tomorrow. Can we just sleep in?”

One by one, the Mighty Nein look at them both and can’t help but laugh a little. It quickly turns into nervous giggles that bring tears to the corner of everybody’s eyes. Even when thrown at death’s door multiple times in just one fight, Beau’s there to crack a joke.

Caleb himself is smiling, gently and carefully placing a hand on her shoulder. “ _Ja_. We’ll all just sleep in tonight and tomorrow. I think we’ve earned quite a rest.”

“Never thought I’d actually have a ‘good night’s rest’ ever again...”

Fjord just reaches forward and tousles her hair. “You get your rest. Captain’s orders.”

Beau does a salute, albeit half-heartedly due to her body’s sheer amount of exhaustion. “Aye-aye. Damn, Caleb. That was some spell we put together. But… gods, I’m so tired.”

“But it paid off, _ja_?” Caleb assures her. “It gave you the fortitude to overcome this trial.”

“Mmm...” Beau nods back. She looks to Yasha again, “Hey. You know that question I wanted to ask, if we got through this?”

“Yes?”

Beau cracks her neck a bit, feeling incredibly sore. “I’m not sure when would be a good time to say it… or if I want everyone here present for it.”

Yasha just tilts her head, as curious as a bird. “Huh?”

Beau rolls to her side. In fact, she just rolls right into Yasha’s side, causing them both to groan from the pain. She already can tell she’s about to faint, so… fuck it, where’s the harm?

“I’m about to pass out so I’m just gonna say it.” She looks into Yasha’s eyes. “Will you marry me?”

If the sheer exhaustion from the battle was not enough to make Yasha collapse into unconsciousness… Beau’s sudden proposal right now just did. And as Yasha’s head hits Caduceus’s chest, she herself is not aware of Beau following suit and leaning against Fjord.

But she is aware that as she fainted, Yasha Nydoorin had an angelic smile on her face, as did Beauregard Lionett.

What a pair they make.

They travel together.

They fight together.

They survive together.

They’re even out like a light together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over. Well, the struggle against the Heartsbane is over, at the very least. What happens next is anyone's guess... but at least the curse is gone.
> 
> Also, in this story, the Mighty Nein just leveled up to 15 after that fight. So Beau's getting her Diamond Soul ability.
> 
> By the way, for those wondering, here is what I had in mind in terms of the Heartsbane's statblock:
> 
> Large fiend, chaotic evil | Armor Class 20 | Challenge Rating 17  
> STR 15 (+2) | DEX 19 (+4) | CON 16 (+3) | INT 14 (+2) | WIS 20 (+5) | CHA 22 (+6)  
> Saving Throws: WIS+11 (5+6), CHA+12 (6+6)  
> Damage Resistances: Psychic  
> Damage Vulnerabilities: Piercing from the Soulrender  
> Damage Immunities: Bludgeoning, piercing, or slashing damage by nonmagical weapons  
> Condition Immunities: Frightened, Charmed, Stunned, Paralyzed, Incapacitated  
> Senses: Darkvision 120 ft., Passive Perception 19  
> Languages: Common, Telepathy  
> Proficiency Bonus +6
> 
> Fiendish Blessing. The AC of the Heartsbane includes its Charisma bonus.  
> Magic Resistance. The Heartsbane has advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects.  
> Magic Weapons. The Heartsbane’s weapon attacks are magical.  
> Telepathic Soul Bond. The Heartsbane ignores the range restriction on its telepathy when communicating with its victim or a creature it has charmed. The two don't even need to be on the same plane of existence. Moreover, if anyone other than the victim or their soulmate damages the Heartsbane, the damage dealt is inflicted on the victim instead. The Heartsbane can also only be destroyed by the Soulrender, and the finishing blow must be dealt by the victim and their soulmate acting as one.  
> Shapechanger. The Heartsbane can use its action to polymorph into a Small or Medium humanoid, or back into its true form. It can also take on the form of its victim, or their loved ones. Other than its size and speed, its statistics are the same in each form. Any equipment it is wearing or carrying isn't transformed. It reverts to its true form if it dies. Usable only in the victim’s subconscious.
> 
> Innate Spellcasting (Charisma, DC 22)  
> Dominate Person, 3/day  
> Forcecage, 1/day
> 
> Actions  
> Heart Rend: CON save. Fail, and the target suffers a surge of psychic feedback (aka the thing that kept knocking Beau out) and they go unconscious. Not to zero HP, but just...out cold. Succeed, and they just take damage.  
> Multiattack: Two slashing attacks or one attack and one Heart Rend  
> Possession: Upon reducing a target to 0 hit points and killing them, the Heartsbane takes total control. The target’s soul is destroyed, preventing resurrection.
> 
> As for Lionett's Cobalt Soul:  
> 1st-level abjuration  
> Casting Time: 1 action  
> Range/Area: Self  
> Components: V, S  
> Duration: 1 hour
> 
> You channel your inner strength to harden your fortitude and willpower beyond your normal limits. Until the spell ends, you are given the following benefits:
> 
> * You gain a +2 bonus to your Armor Class.  
> * You have advantage on Constitution and Wisdom saving throws.  
> * When dealing a critical hit, you can add an additional damage die on top of the dice already being rolled.  
> * You can use a bonus action to spend 2 ki points to recover hit points equal to your Martial Arts die + your monk level.
> 
> Once the spell ends or is dispelled, you gain a point of exhaustion due to the sheer exertion needed to perform the spell.


	22. After the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And after the storm/I run and run as the rains come/And I look up, I look up/On my knees and out of luck/I look up  
> Night has always pushed up day/You must know life to see decay  
> But I won't rot, I won't rot/Not this mind and not this heart/I won't rot  
> And I took you by the hand/And we stood tall/And remembered our own land/What we lived for  
> And now I cling to what I knew/I saw exactly what was true/But oh no more  
> That's why I hold/That's why I hold with all I have/That's why I hold  
> And I won't die alone/And be left there/Well I guess I'll just go home/Oh God knows where  
> Because death is just so full/And man so small/Well I'm scared of what's behind/And what's before  
> There will come a time/You'll see, with no more tears/And love will not break your heart/But dismiss your fears  
> Get over your hill and see/What you find there/With grace in your heart/And flowers in your hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the Heartsbane finally exorcised and destroyed, the Mighty Nein finally take the proper time to rest and recuperate.
> 
> *****
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's finally time to post this very, very feel-good post-battle chapter. It's so sweet, you guys. I do hope you love it.
> 
> *****
> 
> You might want to check chapter 1. It's slightly different now, Adam wrote a little bit a a prologue... You should definitely go read it!

A soft sea breeze comes through the open window and plays in Yasha’s hair. She is sitting on the ledge, her large silhouette almost closing up the whole frame. One of her legs is folded against her chest, the other is dangling outside as she is admiring the view on a small square where flowers are blossoming.

From the open door, she hears Jester humming in the living room. The Mighty Nein are gathered at the Lionetts’ house. They found shelter there after the fight the day before and haven’t left since, even bedding down in the living room for the night. It’s close to noon and they’re all up, except Beau, who is still sleeping.

Yasha looks at her from the windowsill. She is not worried. She was the night before when she woke up and discovered Beau was still unconscious, but her friends assured her she was all right and just needed more rest. Sure, Yasha had escaped death twice during the confrontation with the Heartsbane the day before, but Beau had flirted with her own mortality as well, and even came dangerously close to expiring.

Yasha can’t help but grow concerned for Beau purely on a physical level. She needed to rest from the exhaustion caused by her own spell on top of the massive injuries she’d endured, far more than any one human could normally take. Any other human would have been unable to stand, let alone breathe, upon receiving such a sheer multitude of wounds. If all of that wasn’t enough of an excuse, the aftermath of weeks of intense emotions and stress was a good argument in and of itself.

And yet, despite her concern, Yasha is not worried. She knows Beau will eventually wake up. Her will is strong. She had proven that when she faced the literal demon inside of her. And she has proven that she’s not fragile. She definitely pushed her luck and nearly rendered her entire body and soul beyond saving… but she is not fragile. She’s a survivor.

Yasha hears her friends in the living room. Caduceus must be cooking lunch as the sound of a knife on a wooden cutting board comes to her ears. Fjord and Jester are speaking in hushed voices. Caleb and Veth are discussing a spell. They intentionally left the door of Beau’s bedroom open to satisfy a strong, vital need to feel that, even if they are not all together in the same room, they’re still all connected to each other.

Yasha hears the sound of the front door. She slowly stands up and gives one last look at Beau, still peacefully sleeping with a smile on her face and Henriette purring and napping in the crook of her arm, as she leaves the room. When she steps into the living room, everybody looks at Clara who has just arrived with TJ.

The little boy immediately looks at Yasha and silently signs. **Sistah sleeping?**

Yasha nods and he signs again. **Can I see Sistah? No noise.**

Yasha gives a small head motion toward Beau’s room and TJ trots to her. She waits until he is next to her, and when he reaches out, she crouches down and takes him in her arms. She instinctively lowers her head a little when she enters, as she can barely fit in the doorframe, and it makes him smile. Yasha stands at the foot of the bed and she and TJ look at Beau.

They’re both silently staring at the sleeping woman as if she was the most precious thing in the world. To them, she is. It’s comforting to Yasha to know that she is not the only one feeling this way. It’s comforting to her to know that other people, apart from her, see Beau for the wonderful person she is. Not only TJ, but also Clara, Caleb, Jester, Fjord, Veth and Caduceus. And Molly. Beau and he were assholes with each other, but Yasha knows as sure as she knows she is in love with Beau, that Molly saw her for who she truly was.

After a while, TJ fidgets and points at the night table. Yasha knows exactly what he wants. She walks to the table, careful to be as discreet as possible despite her heavy steps. There is a bouquet of fresh flowers in a vase. She picked them just this morning. She crouches to put TJ at the flowers’ level and he smells them. He then looks at her with a big smile.

**They smell good!**

Yasha nods and when he points at them, she smells them and smiles back at him.

She turns when she hears a small knock on the door and Caduceus signs. **Lunch is ready.**

She can’t sign as she is holding TJ with one arm, but a nod is enough to answer. She grabs the little boy and puts him on the bed, next to Beau. He crawls to her and with a lot of precautions, he kisses her forehead. The thin smile on her face slightly widens, but she is still asleep, her steady breathing proving it. Yasha bends down and mimics TJ. She then takes him in her arms again and they leave the bedroom but leave the door open.

Fjord is setting the table and even if she probably won’t join them, he puts a plate for Beau. He leaves another one to the side, not wanting to bother Jester as she is stacking her tarot cards. Yasha sits down in front of her. When the tiefling is done, she extends the deck towards her without a word. Yasha picks a card and flips it onto the table. It’s a bit macabre, but it’s so Molly-like.

Drawn with golden lines on a dark background are two skeletal silhouettes, draped in long black robes, face to face. They are staring at each other and somehow, even without facial features and with empty eye sockets, their gazes are full of adoration. One is holding flowers in their hand. The other is cupping their companion’s face. In the sky above them, the sun is shining above one and the crescent moon is glowing over the other.

Molly’s own interpretation of The Lovers.

Yasha and Jester look up in unison and share a smile. The tiefling signs. **He’s still watching.**

TJ looks at the card until Jester takes it and puts it back in the deck. She whispers, “You want to try?”

TJ nods enthusiastically and she stacks the cards again before presenting them. He hesitates and eventually picks one that is at the far left. He keeps it in his tiny hand and Yasha whispers, “Flip it.”

He does as told and reveals the card.

A woman and a lion are represented. The woman is wearing a long white dress and her hair is braided and ornamented with flowers. She is sitting on the ground and the lion is lying next to her. Surprisingly, there is no clear depiction of strength, at least not what is usually shown as strength, although this is precisely the name of the card. They are both equal. Even as it’s lying down, the lion is holding its head straight. The woman has a hand into its mane in an elegant and reverential gesture. Both of their gazes are directed right at the viewer with a humble intensity, three eyes of cobalt blue open and staring in the background.

Upon closer inspection, Yasha notices that the eyes are no doubt a recent addition made by Jester, clearly meant to represent the symbol of the Knowing Mistress.

This was a card for Beauregard.

TJ is in awe. He looks up at Yasha, points at the card, then at himself. She grins and nods. “Yes, a lion, just like you,” she whispers.

“And like Sistah. Like Beau,” he whispers back.

Yasha nods and they both turn to Jester when she speaks. “I can teach you how to read tarot, if you want to, TJ.”

The Mighty Nein can’t help but giggle, as they all know Jester still has no idea how to use Molly’s deck to this day, and keeps adding new cards on a regular basis, making it an even more colorful patchwork than it already was. She doesn’t take offense and simply adds, “And we can create a card for you. We each have one. Would you like that?”

TJ barely smothers a joyful cheer and smiles widely at the suggestion.

Caduceus brings various dishes to the table and they all sit down and share lunch. They mainly communicate through sign language, only rarely whispering when necessary. When they finish, Caduceus prepares tea for everybody, and just like Fjord did when he was setting the table, he puts down a cup for Beau.

Jester stacks the tarot cards and those who haven’t picked one yet indulge her. Clara is so focused on choosing one when a voice makes them all flip like one.

“Why are you all so quiet? Did I sleep for eons and you have reached the age of reason? I clearly remember someone telling us to be the chaos that we want to see in the world.”

The Nein, Clara and TJ turn to the source of the voice… and there, in the doorframe, is the sight of a very awake Beauregard Lionett leaning against the wall, her arms crossed on her chest and a smirk on her face, as if she hadn’t escaped a deadly curse the day before.

“Beau!” Jester exclaims, almost throwing her chair aside. “What are you doing?! You should be resting right now!”

Beau shrugs her shoulders, yet the motion is hampered by the bandages that were replaced earlier this morning. Her entire body still looks ridden with fresh scars and bruising from that literal life-threatening battle, her face is still marked by fatigue and sunken features. If she were a more sensible person, she shouldn’t be on her feet right now. As is, she still doesn’t seem to be in tip-top condition, as she is having to lean on the frame just to stay upright..

And yet, one can’t fault her for her willpower and resilience… and her sheer stubbornness. And her eyes, those eyes so blue, are as gentle and full of life as ever. She looks more peaceful than she has been in a long time.

“And miss getting to see you guys now that I feel…  **okay** ?” Beau lets a single tear roll down her face, smiling from ear to ear. “I’m… okay. Still a little… no, very sore… but… at least I’m alive.”

The Nein and Clara, as well as TJ at her feet, all stand up and gather around her with joyful greetings and happy smiles. But as they excitedly welcome her, one of them is even more eager than the others and goes straight to her, not bothering with politeness and courtesy.

Yasha takes Beau by surprise when she cups her face with both of her hands and passionately kisses her right in front of everybody, but the monk quickly responds and immediately puts her arms around her neck. The aasimar wraps her own arms around her waist and lifts her up from the ground. Veth puts her pinkies in her mouth and whistles in a high-pitched tone, and she is joined by Jester. The others all happily smile while watching the scene unfold.

“Ow! Ow! Yasha, I’m still a little tender.”

Yasha gently puts Beau down in embarrassment and they part, keeping their foreheads together and looking into each other's eyes, not even caring that everyone can see how stupidly in love they are.

“Sorry, I… I got carried away. But I passed out before I could last time.”

Beau grins, "It's true, we didn't even have a proper ending kiss."

Yasha smiles back. "Yeah.  _ The Lion and the Wolf _ deserves a closure worthy of the name."

"It's not a closure. It's only the beginning."

Yasha nods in agreement. "Speaking of…"

She backs off a bit to have a good look at Beau and she takes both of her hands in hers. "You overtook me yesterday, and it's not fair, because Zuala had already done it, and I was planning on asking you as well, I just didn't know when. So even if you said it already, I will do it too."

Jester squeals as she knows what is coming. Only Clara and TJ are intrigued, all the others are already widely smiling and Beau is blushing even before Yasha says anything, as she can tell by the aasimar kneeling in front of her, still holding her hands, what exactly she’s going to say.

"Beauregard Lionett… Will you marry me?"

The monk can't help an unbelieving gasp, and Clara is in shock.

"Some will say we've been together for just a few weeks and it's too soon, but… I don’t give a damn. Life is too short and we've barely escaped death too many times already." She pauses and winces a bit. "Sorry, it sounded better in my head."

Beau chuckles, so do all the others, but Yasha keeps going.

"My point is that I don't need to wait to know you're the one. And thanks to Caleb," she briefly looks at him and then back, at Beau, "we don't even have to worry about the rings. So… will you marry me?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely!" Beau says without a second thought.

She never thought she’d literally be “weak in the knees” but they literally do buckle due to her fatigue as she falls into Yasha’s arms again and they kiss, and Jester and Veth whistle again as they all 'aww' in endearment. After some time, they part and share a loving look that puts smiles on everybody’s faces.

Clara has tears of joy in her eyes and her voice is trembling from emotion. “My baby girl is getting married.”

“Well…” Beau starts while rubbing the back of her neck, “We have crazy lives, you know, so I can’t promise when this will happen.”

“But it will happen.”

“Yeah.” Beau looks at Yasha and the aasimar looks back. ”Yeah, it will happen.”

Beau feels a tug on her baggy pants and she looks down. TJ motions for her to crouch at his level. She obeys and sits on her knees, placing a hand on the shoulder of the still-kneeling Yasha as she still feels so weak that she could collapse without support.

“Hey, little man.”

He doesn’t answer, not even with a smile, and takes a very serious face. He gently puts one hand on each side of Beau’s face, with infinite precautions, as if she was at risk of crumbling down at any sudden movement. And yet, given the circumstances, it may not be too far from the truth; it’s still a miracle that she’s still in one piece.

He inspects every single one of her features and she lets him move her head slowly. When he finishes his check-up, his eyes stop on hers. The blue of their respective irises meet like a river meets the ocean and the two siblings stare at each other. It’s like there is nothing and no one else around them. TJ looks into her eyes very intently, and she feels like he is looking right through her, until she realizes what he is doing.

“Blue eyes. No red.”

Of course, he would have noticed what was happening when Beau was wavering under the Heartsbane assaults, even if he had witnessed it only once. And right now, he is mimicking Yasha, making sure Beau is herself.

She nods. “No more red. Never again.”

She instinctively sniffles, and that’s only when she realizes she is crying. TJ wipes a tear from her cheek with such softness that she sobs. He looks into her eyes with even more intensity, if possible, and he whispers, so low that Beau is probably the only one able to hear. “Sistah is cured?”

Another sob chokes the words in her throat when she tries to speak and she needs to inhale sharply. “Yes, I’m cured. No more being robbed of my voice, no more nightmares, no more whispers that only I can hear, no more… anything.”

Realization hits her like a punch to the gut, suddenly feeling dizzy as her gaze drifts away. It’s like waking up from a nightmare that would have lasted weeks. She had almost lost hope that it would ever end. It’s surreal.

As small as TJ is, she needs to hold onto his shoulder to keep herself from faltering. He still has a serious expression, but there is concern in his voice and in his eyes when he speaks. “You okay, Sistah?”

She looks at him and laughs nervously. “Yeah, I’m okay, TJ. I’m more than okay. Just… still feeling a little...  _ weak _ . But… I’m okay. I’m okay.”

It still feels weird, saying that word out loud. For the longest time, she had never wished to be seen as “weak” or “vulnerable”. But throughout her time with the Mighty Nein, and most notably when dealing with her Heartsbane affliction, she’s had to accept that it’s not so bad.

She gently takes him in her arms and puts a hand on the back of his head. He lets go of her face and wraps his arms around her neck with surprising strength for such a young child. It feels like the hug they shared when they met for the very first time. Beau breathes in: his smell is different now, but somehow, the scent of geothermal vapors is still a bit present, just very faded.

She closes her eyes and tears roll down her cheek as she holds her brother tight against her. At last, her stamina gives out as she falls back into Yasha’s arms, the aasimar bracing herself in case she did, yet still holding TJ with what little she has left.

“It’s over.”

* * *

When the tears stop flowing and Beau gets a hold of her emotions, and once she’s regained some of her stamina, they all gather in the living room. Henriette joins, and so Beau has TJ sitting on her lap, against her torso, and the cat is curled up on her lap as well, between the boy’s legs. She can feel it in her bones, she is so exhausted she almost wants to go back to bed.

But being with her family is worth it.

“Would you like to eat something?” Caduceus offers. “I can prepare a plate for you.”

Beau turns to the firbolg and shakes her head. “No thanks, Caduceus. Turns out puking out a curse… fiend… thing… leaves you with a sick stomach. I think I’ll fast today, probably for the first time since the monks tried to hammer in my head the benefits of it.”

“Would like some tea, then?”

“That, I will gladly take.”

Caduceus pours tea for everybody and sits back on his chair. Yasha takes Beau’s hand and doesn’t let go, even just for a second, even when one of them takes a sip. She holds it tightly and rubs small circles on the back of it with her thumb.

Beau turns to Jester. “Could you send a message to Dairon? We should let her know we succeeded.”

“Sure! What do you want me to tell her?”

Beau briefly thinks. “You know what? You should improvise. It’s been a long time.”

Jester smiles and excitedly claps her hands. She takes a moment, her grin never leaving her face, and then she casts. “Dairon! It’s Jesteeer!” she says with a singing voice. “We defeated the Heartsbane. Beau is okay. Yasha and she were super badass, you should have seen it!”

Fjord has only four fingers up left and she adds without a second thought: “Also, they’re getting married!”

As she says this, Yasha squeezes Beau’s hand. The monk looks at her and smiles.

The answer quickly comes and Jester repeats it. “Great. Not sure what marriage has to do with it, but good for them. Tell Beau to rest and enjoy her vacation. No action yet.”

Beau sighs with relief, the effort still a little difficult due to not being in perfect condition. “Good. I wouldn’t want to go back to work anyway.” She looks in Fjord’s direction. “Guess you’re getting a break as well, Captain. Feel free to sleep in.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “With Jessie, if need be.”

The flushed reactions from her two dear friends are as immediate as they are endearing. But Fjord’s expression is significantly less positive. “It doesn’t feel right. Is it funny that even now, I still wanna be training? Won’t be the same while you’re on the mend.”

Beau smiles, sincerely moved by his declaration. "Don't worry, I'll be back on my feet soon. And I can still supervise your training in the meantime."

“Normally, I would make a comment about Fjord and him being weak...” Veth speaks up, looking at the half-orc before turning to Beau. “But it’s not fair to him or you. I mean… you almost died the other day, Beau. Many times over, in fact. It… it doesn’t feel the same to playfully rub him when you’re not feeling good yourself.”

Beau is slightly taken aback. She looks at them one by one and sees concern and worry on their faces. "Guys… I'm fine. Give me a couple days and I'll have completely recovered.”

None of the Nein really believes her. She can tell by their skeptical gazes. Beau tries to put on a confident smile… but it slowly falters. She can’t laugh this off. Not this time. Not when she’s still feeling so… vulnerable, and yet so  _ safe _ .

“That said… I’m glad I’m not dead. That was probably the hardest I’d ever fought in my life. I don't think I would have made it without you… probably not.” Beau shakes her head. “No… I definitely would not have. Not yesterday and not even before. You kept me alive, in more ways than one.”

Yasha’s look is as pensive as usual, especially after such an ordeal as the one they had faced. “I feel like you weren’t the only one pushed to extremes. I think all of us may have been… more emotional than usual? I mean...” She turns to Veth and gives her an embarrassed and apologetic look. "First of all, I didn't even take time to thank you. Things could have been really bad if you hadn't returned yesterday. I'm truly glad you were there, you saved us."

"You really did," Beau says with a firm nod. "Thanks for coming back and saving us."

Veth looks a bit embarrassed and shrugs like she often does when she is praised. "It was nothing," she says with a wave of her hand. "You know that not following orders is what I do best."

Although she tries to make it pass as a futility, Beau and Yasha give her very sincere and grateful smiles. The aasimar then clears her throat. "I… I realized I might have been too harsh on you."

"What are you talking ab--"

Yasha raises her hand to make her hush. "Just let me speak. Please."

The halfling can't hide her surprise. Yasha is not known for her talkativeness and it's not that often that she is in the mood for long serious speeches.

"I might have been unfair with you. On more occasions than one. As I said, this whole mess has made  _ us _ all a mess. An even… bigger mess than usual." Yasha turns her gaze slightly, unsure if she can meet Veth’s. "I… I'm sorry. I was worried, but we all were, and I think I didn't handle it very well. I was on edge and I snapped even when it wasn't justified. You like teasing people and I know this. And yet I was…”

Beau puts a hand on Yasha’s knee. “I think we’ve all done a fair share of overstepping during this time. Even I can’t deny that. Hmm… maybe the Heartsbane was pulling my heartstrings all along, making me do and say things I’d normally never do...”

Beau muses on what she had just said and can’t help but draw a conclusion. “Maybe that was part and parcel of this whole curse. It didn’t just affect me. It affected all of us. Made us snap at each other. Made us… desperate. Reckless.  **Afraid** .”

“Not unlike Isharnai and her deals of misery, right?” Veth mutters darkly.

Caduceus has a very pensive expression. "I-I'm really happy that I joined all of you."

They all turn to him and give him strange looks, unsure what he is trying to say.

"I mean… It's really a blessing to witness all of this. I-I'm really proud of all of you. Every time you face an obstacle, you find a way to overcome it and grow. It's nice."

Fjord raises his eyebrows. "Don't you think you've grown too, Caduceus?"

The firbolg looks at him with an intrigued expression, and Fjord explains, "I'm not saying this as I'm trying to lecture you. What I mean is… You know you're part of this family, right?"

Caleb nods vigorously. " _ Ja _ . You're one of us. I hope you feel like you are?"

“I… I suppose. I just...” Caduceus can’t help but frown. “I worry about my… I don’t want to think of them as my ‘other’ family, and...”

“Aw, come on, Cad,” Beau pipes up. “Just because you have a blood family doesn’t make you exempt from this one. I mean...” She looks across the room at everyone present, especially Clara and TJ. “Look how many of us do, yet we’re still here.”

Clara nods to Beau. “Even those of us whom we thought wouldn’t find happiness again.”

The two Lionett women smile at each other. Caduceus blinks a few times. "I-I do feel like I’m part of the group. But--"

“Stop calling us a ’group’, Caduceus!” A small boot stamps down on the floor, everyone’s eyes now on Veth. “We’re a  _ family _ . That’s who we are. Even when we’re at each other’s throats, bickering like a bunch of hurt and lonely children, which we technically still are now that I think about it… we’re a family. And I’m sorry that you sometimes don’t feel included.”

The firbolg looks at her, visibly taken off guard by her sudden intervention. "O-Okay. Family. We're family."

He still seems a bit hesitant, and Jester tilts her head to the side. "To be fair… Caduceus, of course you're part of the family but…" She looks at the others. "We have to be honest, he's by far the wisest of us all, so you know… kinda feels like he is a single father and, much like Veth suggests, by comparison we’re just a bunch of children that he’s trying to keep from wreaking havoc."

There is a short moment where they all look at each other, weighing what Jester just said and then surprised by her sudden lucidity. They all have solemn faces when they nod in agreement. But they can't stay serious very long. Fjord snorts at how true her statement is. Veth joins him and giggles, and soon, they are all laughing. Caduceus is the only one with a confused expression. His gaze goes from one of his companions to another, his ears moving with each turn of his head, and he eventually shrugs it off as the others are still laughing.

One of them, however, stops laughing sooner than the others. Yasha still has that look on her face.

“I’m still sorry,” she says quietly, so quiet that almost no one hears her. She then feels a different hand on her other knee. A smaller hand. She looks up to see Veth looking right at her.

“Don’t worry about it,” the halfling says in a matronly manner. “We were all a mess, remember? You said it yourself.”

Yasha forces a smile. A grin slowly appears on Veth's face and she immediately knows she is about to make a comment. "As long as you don't kill me in my sleep because you're evil, you can snap at me."

Beau shakes her head with an amused smile, and Veth grins widely and then gets more serious. “You know what we should do? You, me, and Beau. The three of us, out on the town, a woman’s night. I’d invite Jester, but...” she glances at the tiefling who is distracted making heart eyes at Fjord, who is blushing uncontrollably. “Well, you know.”

Yasha looks at Beau, who smiles back in turn. “You know… we’re on vacation. We rarely ever spend time without worrying about getting stabbed in the back… or… elsewhere...”

Beau grimaces a little, her eyes fixed on the gash on Yasha that now matches hers. “Y-Yeah. I could use a distraction.”

Yasha notices where Beau is looking. “Hey. You kept being on my ass about your scars. Don’t start being like this now.”

“I wasn’t. Not about that,” Beau frowns. “I’m just… I need to not think about… how I almost lost you. And I think a night out will do just that.”

"Okay. Yeah, let's do this," Yasha agrees before turning to Veth. "Let's have a girls night, if that's what you want to call it. And we'll see if we can get Jester to forget about her “white knight” for just one evening.”

“‘White knight’? He’s more of a sickly emerald, if you ask me.”

Beau’s face has that look of being in deep thought, and out of nowhere she gives a snicker. “I just realized...”

Yasha and Veth both look at her quizzically.

“Marion Lavorre, the Ruby of the Sea. Jester Lavorre, the Little Sapphire. And...” she looks to her captain. “Fjord Stone, the Emerald of the Wildmother.”

Caduceus, who wasn’t even part of the conversation but is always so perceptive, mutters, “It seems that poetry is an ongoing thing in this group.” He catches on Veth’s glare and quickly corrects himself. “This family.”

“‘This family’,” Clara repeats. “A family that can only get even bigger.” She turns to Beau. “So… have you given much thought to what kind of ceremony you want for you and your… fiancée?”

Beau is at a loss for words. Never in her life did she ever think she’d call anyone her “fiancée”, let alone  _ Yasha _ of all people. “That’s right. We’re… officially engaged. Ha ha. Um… I don’t know, Mom. It’s not like I’ve had time to think about it. I proposed… yesterday, the day before? I dunno, it’s been a while since you guys seem to say this was when the fight happened...”

Beau has to pause her train of thought. Even her brain is exhausted. “Wow. I guess I’ve been sleeping longer than I thought I would. I can’t even form my sentences right. Maybe I took a few too many blows to the head?”

Fjord looks at her, “You said you would sleep in and you kept your promise.” He gestures to the door to her room. “Yasha even recommended we leave the door open as you slept. Even made sure to… well...”

“I tended to you while you were unconscious,” Clara interjected. “I’ll be honest, it was like you were a kid all over again.”

Beau takes a moment to process before her face goes deep red. “M-Mom… you… bathed me and all that?”

Clara shrugs. “Well, I just wanted some time with my little girl. That’s all. Even TJ helped.”

“Yeah. Sistah hurt so bad. You were red all over. Red bad. I don’t like it when you’re red. And hurt.”

“Yeah,” Clara makes a face. “When they brought the two of you back to the house… you looked like a corpse and I was so scared. But you were still breathing. You… You should’ve seen yourself as you were.”

“I’d rather not,” Beau says, mildly embarrassed yet… comfortable that she was helped to begin with. “Thanks for taking care of me Mom, but you shouldn’t have. I’m twenty-five--”

“And you almost died. I almost  _ lost _ you.”

Beau goes silent.

_ That’s right, that’s a thing that happened. _

“Sorry I got you worried, Mom. But it’s over now.”

“Until next time,” a voice from behind her says. Beau recognizes that dour Zemnian accent anywhere as Caleb leans against the sofa and hovers over Beau and Clara. “We’re still awaiting word from Dairon. We… have some debts to repay.”

“Yeah… But can we talk about this later?” Beau gives him a disapproving look, a look that screams “back off, killjoy” if her thoughts could be heard by everyone. “I’m on vacation, remember? You were the one who insisted on it.”

Caleb stares at her. He doesn’t seem to agree nor disagree. He’s just being Caleb.

Beau turns to Clara. “I’m fine now. Alive and free from this damn curse. Let’s enjoy the time we have now.  _ Please _ ?”

Clara keeps a somehow preoccupied expression, but she nods. Beau sighs and feels another wave of exhaustion, as if she hadn’t slept for over twenty-four hours as she lets out a very,  _ very _ loud yawn. “I will probably sound like an old crone... but I think I need some more sleep.”

Surprisingly, no one comments on the self-deprecating comment. Instead, they just look at her with eyes of understanding. It’s still scary, being seen. But Beau knows it’s not as bad as she once believed.

“Do you want me to carry you back to your bed?” Yasha offers.

Beau smiles sheepishly. “If it’s not too much to ask for. I might not be able to even walk over there. Not for a while.”

Yasha is about to speak when TJ yawns, in a perfect imitation of his sister. Clara chuckles. “I think it’s nap time for you as well.”

TJ rubs his eyes sleepily. “Can I sleep with Beau? I’m… worried.”

“Meow,” Henriette even chips in on the conversation, a mournful tone to her mewling.

Beau looks at Yasha. “Is it okay if you have three passengers instead of one?”

Yasha shrugs. “If I can carry you, I guess I should manage a toddler and a cat.”

She stands up and grabs Beau from her sitting position effortlessly. The monk yelps in surprise and as sleepy as he is, TJ giggles weakly as he in turn is holding on to Henriette. Yasha carries the three of them to Beau’s room and gently lands them on the bed.

As Yasha turns to look away, she feels a hand grip weakly at her fingers. She looks back to Beau who looks at her. “How can you do this after that fight? How can you even  _ stand _ ?”

Yasha shrugs, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “You have your dope monk shit, I have my dope barbarian shit.”

Beau frowns, clearly unaccepting of her excuse as she yanks with a feeble grip. “ _ Yasha _ .”

The aasimar remains silent, simply giving her an innocent look.

“ _ You _ almost died too. I saw that thing  _ impale _ you. Just as...” Tears fall from Beau’s face, the monk too tired to bother wiping them. “Just as I was. And that thing was  _ stronger _ than you. Yeah, I’m pretty dope, but… I couldn’t have survived those deathblows like you could. I’m just… lucky. Lucky that I’m still able to breathe.”

Yasha is still not speaking, but this time, she can’t pretend and she averts her gaze.

“Yash… Don’t do this again.”

Yasha looks at Beau and this time, she seems genuinely interrogative. “Do what?”

“Don’t make Sistah sad,” TJ says, peeking out from behind Beau. The elder sibling looks to him as she pats his head before turning back to Yasha.

“You… You didn’t say anything when I was still speechless. You suffered in silence, kept everything inside. I know you wanted to be strong for me but gods, Yasha, I had to punch it out of you.”

Yasha tries to keep a stern face, but she can’t help clench her jaw. Beau stares right at her. “I know I said you were our protector, but I didn’t mean that you had to be at all times. You’re allowed to rest sometimes, just like every one of us. So… get over here and take some rest.”

“The bed is full.”

Beau gives her a severe look. “That’s lame, even for you.”

Yasha doesn’t say anything and Beau pats the bed with a head motion. “Come here. We fought together, now we recover together. And don’t try to bullshit me with some dope barbarian shit. I know you can hold your own, but I also know what it’s like to take a greatsword to the chest. It… it sucks.”

“No bullshit.”

Beau and Yasha look towards TJ in unison, the child completely oblivious to what he’s saying. Thin smiles grow on their faces. Those are not the happiest smiles, far from it, but at least TJ eased the tension that’s been building.

Yasha hesitates shortly, but after a moment, Beau sees on her face that she is giving in. “Should I close the door?”

“No. It feels nice to have them with us even if we’re not all in the same room.”

Yasha stays still a little longer, but eventually she lies down next to Beau. The bed creaks and she barely refrains from wincing, but Beau immediately notices the way her whole body stiffens. “What were you saying?”

She sighs, half-upset and half-worried, and Yasha looks down like a child scolded after disobeying. “Okay. You got me.” She then allows herself to relax wholeheartedly on the bed.

Beau reaches out and places a hand over Yasha’s chest, a slightly warm chuckle escaping her throat. “It’s funny. Last time, you were being puppeted into skewering me and after you were freed, you healed me. And now, a fiend that was  _ my _ puppeteer skewered  _ you _ and once I was freed from it…  _ I healed you _ .”

“I don’t know if ‘funny’ is the word I would use, but yeah.” Yasha adjusts her position and this time she can’t hide the way her face tenses.

“Where does it hurt?”

Yasha tries to slow her breathing. “My ribs might be broken still from when I hit the altar. I healed myself, but it wasn’t enough apparently.”

“And you didn’t ask Jester or Caduceus to take care of it?”

Yasha looks at Beau. “I wanted to ask  _ you _ … after you woke up.”

Beau blinks and then she nods slowly, closing her eyes as she sends what meager magic she has into Yasha’s rib cage as the aasimar clasps her hand over the monk’s.

“Still… the other common thread we share, Yash? We both skewered them back. You thrust your sword into Obann, and then you and I jammed that dagger into the Heartsbane.”

Yasha sighs as she feels the pain lessen until it’s almost completely gone. “It feels good. The healing  _ and _ the revenge.”

Beau opens her eyes. “It sure does. Well, the  _ healing  _ is more so than the revenge.”

Yasha chuckles. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Beau kisses her forehead. “Now sleep.”

“Sleep,” TJ stutters as he has already left the waking world.

Yasha and Beau chuckle. The latter rolls over and finds her brother spooning Henriette, the cat purring gently. She in turn spoons TJ, his tiny body snug in her arms. She looks over her shoulder to her… well, her “fiancée” now. “You gonna join us?”

But by the time she asks, Yasha’s already out like a light and snoring. Beau can’t help but grin at the sight.

_ Maybe next time _ , she thinks to herself as she goes back to dreamland, imagining a beautiful ceremony between the two of them. And already, she’s picturing what things could happen.

* * *

Beau wakes up to the feeling of soft kisses at the back of her neck, right where her tattoo is. She keeps her eyes closed, but she hums in satisfaction. Immediately, the arm resting on her hip slips to circle her waist and gently pull her closer to the strong body behind her.

Beau eventually opens her eyes and sees that it’s close to dusk outside. She quickly notices TJ and Henriette are nowhere to be seen and instinctively stiffens, but she feels Yasha’s breath on her neck when the aasimar whispers. “Don’t worry. TJ woke up from his nap and went out with Luc and Yeza, and Henriette is out in the living room with the others.”

Beau sighs in relief and relaxes. “Sorry. I’m a bit jumpy.”

“It’s alright, you have reasons to be.”

Yasha kisses her neck and Beau shivers. “Not that I don’t want you, because I really do… But my body is still sore, I don’t think I’m quite rested enough for this.”

She hears Yasha chuckle behind her. “Am I such a perv to you?”

Beau rolls over without leaving Yasha’s embrace and looks at her. The aasimar looks back. “I just want to shnuggle.”

Beau grins. “That, I can do.”

She puts one hand on Yasha’s face and brings her closer to kiss her. When she pulls back, she looks Yasha in the eye. “I must have been sleeping really deep if I didn’t even notice TJ leaving the bed.”

“Oh you were. Jester and Nott also drew on your face and you didn’t wake up.”

Beau immediately opens wide eyes and looks for a mirror, ready to stand up and go to the bathroom, but Yasha giggles and holds onto her to keep her from getting up. “Calm down. I’m kidding.”

Beau calms down and smiles at herself. “One of these days… I will get your jokes.”

She strokes Yasha’s cheek with her thumb and then brushes her nose with her own. They both close their eyes and Yasha inhales deeply before letting out a long exhale. Beau opens her eyes and sees Yasha’s are still closed. “Hey.”

The aasimar blinks and looks at her. The proximity makes them both squint a bit. “Yeah?”

“Sorry to ask this now but… during the battle… when you summoned your wings… did you let the Heartsbane stab you on purpose?”

Yasha shakes her head. “No. I know what it looked like, but no. I just… didn’t want you to get hurt. I was afraid that if I moved or tried to retaliate, it would get to you.”

Beau slowly nods and looks at her with even more intensity. “How…” She swallows. “How did it make you feel? What the fiend said.”

Yasha pauses as she recalls what it had said.

**_“You wanted them gone, that’s what you said, right? I can help with that.”_ **

**_“I will shred them to pieces. Or maybe I should pin you like a hunting trophy. What do you think, birdie?”_ **

“I…” She looks at the scar crossing Beau’s eye and pushes a strand of hair out of her face. Even when the wings are not here, she can still feel the sensation of the blade piercing them. It’s strange, mostly because she can’t even tell how it felt in the moment. Did it hurt? Did it bring her deliverance?

She sighs. “I don’t know. I only wanted to protect you at that moment, I swear.”

“But do you still feel the need to hurt yourself?”

“Right now?”

“Right now, or any other moment.”

“Not right now but…” She sighs deeply. “I don’t know, Beau. I have no answer for you, I can’t tell you if the urge will come back later, or if it’s gone for good. I-I don’t know. I wish I could tell you it’s over, but the truth is it might very well happen again.”

Beau hesitantly nods. After all, Caleb told her the truth as it is: it might never go away.

“Speaking of...” Beau places her hand over Yasha’s heart. “Does it still hurt? Even now?”

“Does yours?” Yasha places her hand atop hers.

Beau sighs and just… stares into Yasha’s eyes. “Not as much now.”

Yasha nods. “Good.” She brushes Beau’s scar from the tip of her fingers. “I don’t feel as bad as before when I see it. I think.”

“Because you just went through it?” Beau asks her bluntly. Perhaps… a little too blunt. But then Yasha just smiles. Now she knows for sure; the asshole she loves is back.

“Yeah.”

Beau looks at her own scar, then at Yasha’s. “Maybe you’ll think it’s fucked up, but after you stabbed me I felt… closer to Molly? I don’t know if that’s the right word. But when your sword went through me, all I could think about was that I was feeling what he had felt. Only I survived. I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t say this.”

Yasha runs a hand through Beau’s hair. “I think we’re all a bit fucked up. We’ve seen a lot of terrible things, before and since we met. And it’s not only Molly… It happened to Fjord too.”

Beau nods, but her expression is grim. “Can I be real with you? I’m still scared that every day could be my last with the Mighty Nein. Every time I see one of us die… that’s only bringing that day closer and closer. And I...” She shuts her eyes tight and tries to stay calm.

Yasha kisses her temple and pulls her closer. Beau hides her face into her neck and inhales sharply, her throat tight. “Fuck…” Yasha can hear sobs in her trembling voice. “I’m so fucking done with the tears.”

“I’m not.” Beau’s sobs continue as Yasha elaborates. “I don’t ever want my tears to stop. Otherwise… I’m not quite ‘living’. Otherwise, I’d just be an emotionless weapon or tool… like the Skyspear and Obann molded me into.”

Beau keeps her face hidden. “No… They didn’t succeed. Not even Obann. You were still crying, even under his control. That’s how I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“When Jester told us you were crying when she scryed. I knew I hadn’t hoped in vain. That you were still here, you weren’t evil unlike what some said. Even… Even when you stabbed me… you cried.”

“Well… I can’t blame them for believing I was.”

Beau finally looks up. Her eyes are red and swollen. “And you?” She cups Yasha’s face with her two hands. “Do you believe you are?”

Yasha looks her in the eye, but she doesn’t say anything. She remains silent and runs her hand through Beau’s hair again.

“Evil people don’t cry.”

Yasha chuckles sadly. “You think so?”

“I don't know. But one thing I’m sure is they’re not granted angelic wings by gods, right?”

Yasha looks down. “But what if I don’t deserve them?”

“You’ve earned them.” Beau gently grabs her chin to make her look up. “And I don’t care what people say. You’re my guardian angel, and that’s all that matters.”

A thin smile forms on Yasha’s face. “I didn’t know you were so sappy.”

“You don’t like it?” Beau asks with a grin, even through her tears.

“I love it.”

Yasha smiles a little more widely and pulls Beau closer to kiss her. The tears make her lips salty, and yet… sweet. Beau curls up against Yasha and they cuddle before falling asleep again into each other’s arms.

* * *

After two more days of rest, Beau and Yasha have mostly recovered. At this point, the aftereffects are emotional and psychological rather than physical. Beau wakes up on her own, which hasn’t happened in three days. Yasha, however, is still sleeping tight.

Beau gets up and with a few quick movements, she realizes she doesn’t feel any soreness anymore. She grins, satisfied that she is apparently ready to start training again. She changes and then goes knocking at Fjord’s door. The half-orc opens the door almost immediately and he is already wearing his workout outfit.

Beau raises her eyebrows. “Impressive. You’ve never been ready so early before.”

Fjord motions for her to speak lower. “Jester is still sleeping.”

“Sorry. I think I’ll be able to join you today.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you should wait a bit longer, until you’ve completely recovered.”

“I’m fine. I feel really good today. Didn’t you say it wasn’t the same without me?”

“I did.” He smiles. “Well, let’s go then. But… promise me you’ll call it off if you overexert yourself or feel like you’re about to collapse. Captain’s orders.”

“Aye-aye,” Beau confirms with a salute.

Fjord closes the door and they go back down to the beach, in a spot isolated from the people still rising early. Beau is ecstatic. Sure, she can feel that she is not fully back to her usual condition, and she’s not even sure if she will ever be her “usual self” again. But being able to train again is amazing. She had missed it, even just for a few days and even if staying in bed almost all day long with Yasha was pretty nice too.

And besides, her “usual self” had no innate arcane talent, so she could do without that “self”. That “self” was… inadequate, not really the “self” she felt satisfied with anymore. But having a little more solidarity with everyone, having just that smidgen of magic within her… it makes her feel even closer to the Nein than ever, somehow.

When they come back to the Chateau, Yasha and Jester are both up and having breakfast with Caleb and Caduceus. The monk and the paladin kiss them on the forehead, but unlike Jester, Yasha grabs Beau by the waist and kisses her back.

Fjord pouts. “It’s not fair.” He turns to Jester. “Why do you never let me get near you when I’m back from training?”

“Because you’re all sweaty, it’s gross.”

“But Beau is gross too, and Yasha kisses her.”

Yasha grins. “It’s because I’m grosser than her, even when she’s been working out and I’ve been sleeping.”

Beau tilts her head. “No, it’s not true. You look amazing.”

Fjord raises one eyebrow. “And I’m the one making heart eyes?”

Beau looks at him and makes a silly face, which he answers with a chuckle. They give one last kiss to their girlfriend and fiancée and go upstairs.

When Beau enters the bathroom, she stops in front of the mirror. She doesn’t take time to look at herself often, and when she does, she looks at her body rather than her face, to make sure every muscle is as toned as it should be. She grimaces a bit upon seeing the faint remnants of scarring and bruising she took from the Heartsbane. That fucker really wreaked havoc on her chest and rib cage, intending to rip her heart out, figuratively speaking.

She wonders if there is a point where healing spells are not sufficient anymore, when a body part is just too ruined to be healed, even with magic. Hell, her entire body had been ravaged just in the span of a year with all the countless scars… and yet, even Yasha thought her beautiful. A “canvas of a survivor”, she’d heard her say. It’s a miracle she’s still breathing, let alone able to move and fight. Maybe she should enquire about the limits of healing spells though.

She removes the sash she’d been using as a bandana and runs a hand through her hair. She turns her face to the right, then to the left, with a thoughtful expression.

_ Why the hell not… _

* * *

Jester, Yasha, Caleb and Caduceus have finished breakfast, but they are still at the table, waiting for their friends. Veth shows up with Yeza and Clara. The halfling walks up to Caleb and puts a stack of paper in front of him.

“Here. We stopped by after grocery shopping.”

“Is it--”

“High-quality paper, yes.”

“Thanks, Veth.”

“You’re welcome.”

The three of them sit down as Clara pours glasses of water for everyone. “It’s so hot today!”

“It is,” Fjord says as he comes downstairs. “Beau and I were dripping when we came back.”

“You shouldn’t train when it’s so hot, this is not reasonable,” Clara tells Fjord, gently scolding him as if she were his own mother. It honestly feels… refreshing. It makes everyone feel like a proper family even more.

“Tell that to your daughter.” Fjord sits down next to Jester, and she kisses him and strokes his face, now that he is showered.

“Where is she, by the way?” Clara asks.

“Probably still bathing. She should be here shortly.”

Yasha frowns. “She didn’t push herself too hard, did she, Fjord?”

“It’s Beau we’re talking about. But I pretended I was tired and wanted to stop.”

Jester shakes her head. “And you didn’t think she saw through you?”

Fjord shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Yasha grins. “She’s a very good liar. Way better than you.”

“You-You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. I’ve literally watched her lie dozens of times.” She pauses briefly. “Even to herself.”

Fjord looks a bit offended. “Yeah, okay, maybe I’m not as good as her. But the point is, I got her to stop before she pushed herself too much.”

“Thanks, Fjord.”

_ “I heard you!” _

They all freeze when they hear the voice coming from the second floor.

_ “And yes, I saw right through your little game, Fjord.” _

The half-orc turns and looks up the stairs, but he realizes Beau must still be in the hallway as he doesn’t see her. “It was for your own good.”

_ “Whatever. Hey! Caleb! Can you come upstairs, please?” _

The wizard raises his eyebrows, a bit intrigued. “Do you need something?”

_ “Yes.  _ **You** . _ Are you coming or not?” _

Caleb exchanges looks with the others, but doesn’t question Beau’s request any further. He stands up and goes upstairs.

While he is gone, conversations keep going. Clara explains she overheard TJ and Luc planning to try to exchange preceptors the next day to see if Luc’s would notice. Veth can’t help but laugh and when she explains that the old lady gnome who teaches him is almost blind, Jester only agrees that this would be a great prank.

“Speaking of blind,” the tiefling says as she looks around. “I guess Henriette is with Beau.”

“Probably,” Yasha replies. “Why?”

“I’ll tell Beau when she’s down.”

Just when she finishes speaking, Caleb comes back and sits down with a book in his hands, one that he probably retrieved from his room while he was upstairs.

Jester turns to him. “What did she want?”

“She asked about the specifics of a spell and when I said it was too hard for her to learn, she got mad.”

Jester stares at him with suspicion. “And she needed you to come upstairs to ask you this?”

“Yes, she didn’t want to come here precisely because she was working. She probably won’t be with us until lunch, by the way.” He opens his book and starts reading. “You know how she is when she is working.”

“Yeah, it’s true. You two are really weird,” Jester shrugs.

Caduceus just sips his tea. “Maybe it’s an Empire thing. It is full of weird people.”

“You think I’m weird?” Veth asks.

Caduceus looks at her, then at the others, and blinks. “Do-Do I have to answer this? I’m not sure if she’s joking or not.”

Fjord scoffs and Yeza hides a smile.

Veth doesn’t seem to take offense, but she retorts nevertheless. “I don’t think it’s an Empire thing, but rather a smart people thing. I mean, it’s clear the three of us are the brightest.”

“It’s not true!” Jester immediately says. “We’re all very smart!”

“I’m really not,” Caduceus says in his usual quiet tone.

Fjord looks at him. “Don’t depreciate yourself, Deuces.”

“I don’t. I’m fine with my simple mind, I have other qualities.”

“Yes, it’s true,” Veth says. “It’s true for all of us. Beau is an asshole, Caleb was working with terrible people at some point in his life, and I’m a lunatic. But all three of us counterbalance these traits with our unique brains.”

_ “I agree.” _

Veth jumps from her chair, both because of the mysterious voice coming from nowhere and because she felt something touching her shoulder. She instinctively takes out her crossbow and aims in the direction where the voice was coming from. “Who’s there?”

Everybody is just as startled as her. Everybody except Caleb, who is finally looking up from his book and slightly grinning. But they’re all too preoccupied to notice.

The voice speaks again.  _ “Are you afraid of ghosts now?” _

The tone is familiar, but the halfling is not sure she recognizes the voice. “Show yourself, or I’ll shoot.”

_ “You don’t even know where I am.” _

“I’m sure your voice will be enough to aim, and if not, I’ll take my chance.”

Silence falls around. They all wait, until they hear the voice again, but from the other side of the table, and this time they recognize it. “Alright, alright. I don’t want you to shoot me  _ again _ .”

They turn in unison and discover Beau with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. “You should have seen your face, Veth. I thought you were about to piss yourself.” She laughs.

The halfling doesn’t reply to her teasing. Instead, she turns to Caleb. "I know this smile all too well. You cast  _ Invisibility _ on her, didn't you?"

The wizard raises his hands with an innocent face. "It was her idea."

"Come on, Veth," Beau says with a grin. "You gotta admit it was a good prank."

The halfling looks back at her and she suddenly realizes all of her friends are staring at Beau in awe. That's when she notices the major change that she somehow missed before, and she gasps.

Caleb is now genuinely smiling in amusement. “You were right. You didn’t even need to touch them to get them all stunned.”

Beau grins and opens her arms. "So?" She moves her head a bit. “How does this look?”

They all keep staring. Beau is dressed the same as usual. She is not wearing her jerkin and her abs are left uncovered by her old sleeveless crop top that she put on because of the heat. There is only one noticeable difference, but it’s not a small one: her hair is way shorter than it was when she went back from training earlier, it is now jaw-length and nicely framing her face.

Jester is the first one to react. She claps and stands up. "Beau! It looks so good!" She comes standing next to her friend. "Did you do it yourself?"

"Believe it or not, I did."

"You did such a great job!"

"It's true," Clara says. She stands up and joins her daughter. "Is it the first time you're cutting it yourself?"

"Yes. Beginner's luck I guess."

They all compliment her on her new haircut, but someone remains awfully quiet. Beau turns to Yasha and walks up to her. "You're not saying anything."

Beau puts a hand on her shoulder and Yasha gently grabs her waist. "You're very beautiful." She gives Beau a thorough look.

Her hair stops a few inches above her shoulders now. It is still wet from her bath and thus a little wavy. "It looks like a lion mane,” Yasha says with a smile. “It suits you. I like it."

"But…?"

Yasha seems a bit hesitant, but she eventually speaks her mind. "You…" She is clearly ill-at-ease. "You said I would cut it if you decided to have it shorter."

"Oh, Yasha… " Beau strokes her cheek.

"No, I don't mean it like that." She is suddenly called back to the day the Mighty Nein discussed the group rule about funerals and she ended up spilling that she was afraid they didn't want her part of the group. "It looks really good."

"I just did it on the spur of the moment, looked at my reflection and just thought I would go for it. I did remember I had asked you to do it, but you seemed unsure, and I wanted to show up with a new haircut and surprise you all."

"It's okay, don't worry."

Beau keeps her hand on Yasha’s cheek and puts the other one on her shoulder. "When I need to cut it again, you will do it, I promise, babe."

This time, Yasha genuinely smiles and she can't help blushing. Being called this in front of other people, even if they are their family, is a first. She feels her heart speeds up a little.

Beau smiles back. "What about you? Would you like to have a change of haircut?"

Yasha is taken aback. She looks at Beau and blinks a few times. “I-I… Well…”

“Just a suggestion. I think it’d be cute if we matched, but the choice is yours.”

Fjord rolls his eyes with an amused smile and Jester, sitting next to him after complimenting Beau, immediately notices. She gently elbows him and whispers, “It would be cute.”

“Never said it wouldn’t.”

Yasha stutters. “Ye-Yeah, it would be cute.”

Beau can see she is deeply unsettled and although she doesn’t understand why, she doesn’t push it. They all notice Yasha’s embarrassment and Jester quickly speaks up to ease the tension. “Beau, where’s Henriette?”

“She was napping in our room when I came down. Why?”

“I was thinking that maybe, I could--”

She is interrupted by a loud meow. Beau turns and spots the cat at the top of the stairs. “We were just talking about you. Come on, girl. Watch out for the stairs.”

Henriette starts slowly making her way down, careful not to trip. Fjord gives her a concerned look. “Shouldn’t we… help her? I don’t know, carry her down?”

“Nah, she’s good. No need to help her do what she can do on her own. I don’t want to make her too dependent.”

“Well,” Jester starts, “she could not be dependent at all anymore.”

Beau gives her an intrigued look, her eyebrows raised. “What do you mean, Jessie?”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think about it earlier. Probably because there was a lot of crazy stuff going on… But now that we have time to actually rest and relax, I realized I could use the spell I used for your hair and maybe give Henriette sight. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s worth trying!”

“Jester, you’re a genius! Why did none of us think about it before?” Beau turns to Caleb. “Why didn’t  _ you _ think about it?”

Caleb looks up from his book. “I’m not the cleric.”

“But you’re the brains of this party.”

Caleb shrugs. “Well, now it’s Jester apparently.” He looks at the tiefling. “It’s a good idea. it might work.”

Beau looks back at Jester. “Sure, let’s try.”

Henriette has just arrived at the bottom of the stairs. Beau is about to call her name to help her spot where she is, but Jester puts a hand on her arm. “Hold on. I have an idea. Stay where you are and don’t make a sound.”

Henriette is already smelling the air, trying to locate her companion. Jester walks toward her. “Hey, Henriette.” She crouches down and offers her hand for the cat to sniff it. “What do you say we try to restore your sight? Is it okay if I take you in my arms?”

Henriette obviously doesn’t answer, but she gently hits Jester’s hand with her head and purrs. The tiefling sits down on the ground and takes the cat on her lap. She concentrates, spills a bit of holy water on Henriette's head, which causes her to shake herself. Jester puts a hand on top of the cat’s head, mutters an incantation, and casts  _ Regenerate _ . It takes a little time, but eventually, she lifts her hand.

Nothing happens at first. Henriette doesn’t react, her gaze is still unmoving. Jester’s face turns sad, and she turns to Beau. But as she is about to apologize, she jumps when she feels Henriette violently startle in her arms. Jester looks back at the cat, seeing that she looks utterly panicked.

“It’s okay, Henriette, it’s okay.”

Jester sees Beau about to come closer but gestures to wait. “It’s probably really strange right now, I don’t even know if you’ve ever been able to see before, but you’ll get used to it.”

Caleb sees Henriette is not calming down and snaps his fingers. Frumpkin appears right next to Jester and he telepathically asks him to soothe the other cat. He meows and climbs onto Jester’s lap. The sight of the Bengal cat doesn’t seem to affect Henriette much, but the meows do. She slowly calms down and lets him rub his head against hers like he often does.

After a while, Jester grabs both cats and stands up. Frumpkin climbs onto her shoulders and wraps around her neck, not caring that Sprinkle is squeaking in irritation. Henriette gets agitated again, but then Jester joins Beau and puts a finger on her own lips to tell her to stay silent. “Do you know who it is, Henriette?”

The cat recoils a bit at the sight of this stranger, but then Jester takes Beau’s hand and pulls it so she extends it to Henriette. The animal is hesitant, but she eventually smells it. Her reaction is immediate. In a split second she bumps her head into Beau’s hand.

Jester looks at her friend and sees how emotional she is. “Call her.”

Beau nervously chuckles. “Hey, little one.”

Henriette fidgets in Jester’s arms and the tiefling puts her in Beau’s. The cat immediately purrs like she’s never done before, so loud that it’s audible to most of the people around her. She rubs her head on Beau’s neck. Beau gives Frumpkin a pet as well.

“Thank you, Frumpkin.” 

Beau gets a heartfelt purring and “meow” from him as a reply. Henriette is thrilled and can’t stop rubbing her head all over Beau. Caleb grins. “No other cat will get near you until your next bath. She’s got her smell all over you, you’re hers now.”

But Beau is beyond caring as she picks up Henriette and the two of them stare at each other, face-to-face. She is just happy that they’re able to do this for the very first time.

She turns to Jester and smiles widely. “Thanks, Jessie.” She opens the arm that is not holding Henriette and hugs the tiefling.

Veth looks at Beau. “So, if you trained this morning, I guess it means you’re feeling better.”

Beau squeezes Jester’s shoulder before parting from her. “I am.”

The halfling turns to the aasimar. “What about you, Yash? Still sore from the fight?”

“No, I feel good.”

“When are we going out, then?” Veth asks enthusiastically.

“Tomorrow night?” Jester suggests.

“Oh, so you think you will be able to spend one night without Fjord?”

The tiefling blushes. “Stop it!”

“I don’t know, I’m just asking. You two are always clinging to each other.”

“It’s not true!”

“Alright, tomorrow night then. It gives you one day to mentally prepare to be separated from him for a few hours.”

They start bickering like they often do and Beau and Fjord smile as they look at them, very entertained. Yasha gives a compassionate look toward Caleb, but he is watching with an amused face and has a thin smile on.

The aasimar swiftly turns when she feels a hand on her shoulder. Beau is looking at her and smiling. "Henriette, this is Yasha."

The cat smells her and then rubs her head against her like she did with Beau. The aasimar and the human chuckle. Yasha wraps her arm around Beau's waist as she is still standing. "I can't wait for her to discover the world through her eyes. We will have to introduce her to Harey."

"You're right. Let's do it now."

Yasha stands up and Beau takes her hand and leads the way as the rest of their family look on as they go up the stairs with kind smiles and lighter hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but good old fluff with only the right amount of angst to make the previous chapter's resolution so cathartic.
> 
> Also... we are nearing the end of the story, so... be prepared for that, because all good things must come to an end.


	23. Here Come The Runts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last of the Magic/Last of the sun/Last of the hold/Four, three, two, one  
> Last of devotion/Tune out the stunts/Tune in tomorrow/Here come the runts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADAM  
> The ladies have a night out on the town, and plans are made for more than one occasion... some better than others.
> 
> Here we are! The penultimate chapter at last!
> 
> *****
> 
> LUCE  
> This fic is coming to an end, one last chapter after this one and the book will be closed... But for now, enjoy this very long chapter, starting with girls night! What could possibly go wrong with the Chaos Crew plus an awkward barbarian?

The following night, the Chaos Crew plus one wander outside through the Nicodranian streets at night. As the four enter an inn they’ve never been to before, Jester and Veth are chatting and gossiping about random shit, Yasha is just as awkward as she is whenever she's in a public space, and Beau is displaying her usual confidence and bravado that makes up her "don't fuck with me" persona.

They pick one of the last tables still available and sit down. When the waitress shows up, Beau speaks up before anyone can order. “Two rounds of shooters.”

The elven waitress gives her a look. “Shooters of…?”

“No alcohol, it’s disgusting,” Jester complains.

Beau rolls her eyes. “A glass of milk for my horned friend here and whatever your strongest spirit is for the rest of us." She pauses. "Actually, you know what? Bring us a bottle.”

“Hell yes!” Veth cheers up. “That’s the kind of night I came for! And bring four glasses.”

“I’ll be right back,” the waitress says, and she leaves before Jester can protest.

“I won’t drink, you guys.”

Beau shrugs. “Then I guess there will be one extra glass for whomever finishes their first drink faster.”

A few minutes later, the waitress is back with their order. Beau immediately pulls a few gold pieces from her pouch. “I’ve got it.”

“You don’t have to,” Yasha says.

“It’s my way to say thank you and sorry for the past several weeks. You can pay for the next round if you want to.”

“I doubt there will be a next round, considering that you just bought a whole bottle, Miss Wine Gal,” Veth points out.

“Whoops,” Beau says with a grin and a fake innocent face as she slaps Yasha on the back. “But I’m not worried. I’ve seen this one empty a pint of mead in one chug, so if she's in good condition I know one bottle won’t be enough.”

The waitress takes the money and goes to another table. Beau immediately takes the bottle and pours four shooters. She pushes one glass in front of everyone, but Jester winces and shakes her head. Beau shrugs and Veth takes it. “So, what shall we toast to?”

Jester raises her glass of milk. “To Beau’s renewed freedom!”

Beau raises her own glass. “To kicking an ancient fiend’s ass!”

Yasha is a bit more reserved, but she raises her glass nevertheless. “To new beginnings.” She turns to Beau and they look at each other with coy smiles.

Veth grabs her glass and lifts it so suddenly that she spills half of it. “And to your engagement!”

The glasses clink together and then they chug them down, except for Jester who reasonably sips her milk. Veth slams her glass down on the table with a pant. “Isn’t it crazy? You two, getting married! Together!”

“Crazy?!” Jester says. “What are you talking about? Beau was all over Yasha right from the beginning.”

Beau gets a bit flustered. “I-I was not.”

“Are you kidding me?” Jester leans over to Veth. “ _ Yashaaa _ ,” she says in a quite accurate impersonation of Beau.

Veth starts giggling. “You’re right. And didn’t she say Yasha was ‘broady’ when she said she put up the circus tent?”

“She did!”

“And what did she say when Yasha and Molly left? That she was ‘awesome’?”

Jester nods. “She said she liked her because she didn’t say much. Isn’t it right, Beau?” she asks as she turns to the monk and wiggles her eyebrows.

At this point, both Beau and Yasha are blushing messes.

“Y-You thought I was awesome?” Yasha asks her fiancée.

Beau fumbles in her flustered state, trying to regain control. “Okay, okay… it’s all true. I just...” Beau’s expression turns just a little morose. “I just didn’t think it would snowball into… this, you know? I don’t think any of us expected it to be as such that day.” Her expression lightens up. “I’m glad it did, though. It brought us all together.”

Yasha slips her hand into Beau’s and smiles. “It did.”

Jester and Veth look at each other, and then the four of them share smiles. The halfling then focuses on Beau. “So… I know your mother asked you just a few days ago, but did you give some thoughts to the ceremony? What would you like?”

Beau looks at Yasha. “Um… We didn’t talk about it yet. As I said, we don’t even know when it will happen.”

“But don’t you guys have specific expectations? Some crazy dreams? Something you really want?”

“I mean…” Yasha starts as she looks at Beau, before turning to Veth. “I do have some things in mind. But now that we’re talking about it, I’m curious. What was your wedding with Yeza like?”

Veth is taken aback, not expecting to be the focus now. “Come on, Yasha! I know you don’t like to talk about yourself, but don’t change topics.”

“No, I’m serious. I’m actually curious to know what it was like. I’m not even sure how weddings the way you know them are  _ supposed _ to go; my first one was in secret, remember?”

Everybody gets a bit more serious and Beau squeezes Yasha’s hand. Veth takes the stray shooter and chugs it down. “It was very simple in fact. You know how Yeza is. He didn't like to draw attention, and at that time I wasn’t as… emancipated as I am now. So we kept it simple.”

“Was your family there?” Jester asks. “What are your parents’ names again?”

“Travis and Ashley. And yes, they were there. But to be completely honest with you, the important part for me was that I was marrying the man I loved. Family or not, I didn’t really care. It was an oath to each other.”

Jester turns to Beau and Yasha. “What about you guys? Would you like to have your family there?”

“Yes,” they answer in perfect unison.

They smile at each other and Yasha elaborates. “I don’t have any blood family, but you guys are my family, my tribe, and I know I want you there. Even if you’re right, Veth, that it’s an oath to each other, first and foremost, I…"

Her voice suddenly gets low and she almost seems worried. "Not that I want to show off or anything, I just… don’t want to hide this time.”

Beau gives her a smile and rubs her hand. “That’s completely out of the question. You deserve to live your life fully, and it’s clear that it’s important to both of us to have our family here, both related  _ and _ found.” She pauses. "Except  _ him _ . That man is not my father."

“Anything else you’d like?” Jester asks. “Yasha, you said you had things in mind.”

The aasimar looks intimidated, almost afraid to speak frankly, but Jester gives her a warm smile that makes her feel more at ease. She turns to Beau and looks her in the eye. “We… I don’t know, maybe it will be strange.”

“Tell me,” Beau encourages her.

“Zuala and I, we wrote vows together.”

“You wrote them  _ together _ ?” Veth asks, genuinely surprised.

“Yes. Why?”

“Usually, each person writes their own vows, and the other one discovers them on the day of the wedding,” Jester explains. "Also, the couple has to be separate on the day in question until they walk down the aisle."

“Oh. Um… I don’t know a lot about the traditions of my former tribe, but I know that’s how people do it. It’s a way to be on the same page, you know, make sure we know what we’re committing to.”

Veth shrugs. "Cultural difference, I guess."

“But maybe it’s weird.” Yasha looks at Beau. “Do you think it’s weird? I was about to ask if it was okay that we draw inspiration from the vows Zuala and I wrote, and I already thought it might be strange, but now it’s worse.”

Beau squeezes her hand. “Slow down, Yash. How does it work? How did you two do it?”

Yasha tries to calm down. “We wrote the vows together. There is a sort of… template that most people use. That’s one of the only good things I got from my former tribe actually. I just- I just think it’s really beautiful. And then, each couple can choose to change it as they wish. We used it and made it ours. On the wedding day, we both read the vows.”

“So they were the same?” Beau scratches her cheek as Yasha nods in affirmation. “Okay. Um… So, first of all, it’s not weird. A little creepy maybe, but I mean, you  _ are _ a bit of a creep.”

Yasha blushes and sheepishly smiles, but Beau keeps going. “I’d like to see your vows, if you’re okay to tell me or show me, or at least this template you’re talking about, and then we can discuss it. And maybe, if that’s fine with you, we could write our vows together and then each add something personal. This way, we would still discover the personal part on the day of the wedding. What do you think?”

“I-I’d love that.”

“Okay, great. We will talk about it then.”

“Yeah,” Yasha says with a vigorous nod.

Veth hits her fist on the table. “This calls for another round!” She pours three shooters and as she is about to cap the bottle, Jester speaks up.

“I’m going to hate it, but… fuck it! I want to celebrate with you, guys.”

Veth enthusiastically pours a fourth shooter. “Hell yes, Jessie!”

They all take one glass and clink together again before chugging them down. As expected, Jester winces and coughs loudly. Veth playfully elbows her. “So, how is it?”

“I hate it! It’s horrible! Dagen’s booze was useful to keep us warm at least.”

They all laugh as Jester rubs her tongue repeatedly and then takes several sips of her milk to try and wash off the taste of strong alcohol.

"You could down a huge-ass stein of beer in Rexxentrum before dancing, but you can't handle a shot of  _ this _ ?" Beau says in a mocking tone.

Veth is left agape. "Wait. Jester drank  _ beer _ and I didn't see it?!"

She looks away from a milk-spewing Jester who was utterly taken aback by her comment and turns to Beau and Yasha. “Anyway! I was thinking… The choice is yours, but I’d really like to be your ringbearer, if you’re okay with it.”

Beau and Yasha are both taken by surprise. They look at each other and Beau stutters. “I-I… Well, I’m not opposed to that.”

“Wow. Please, contain yourself,” Veth teases.

“No, it’s not like that! I’m just really surprised, I wasn’t expecting this. I’d be happy to have you as our ringbearer, in fact. Just as long as you don’t blow anything up. Please?”

“No promise.”

Jester frowns a little, having recovered from her earlier spit-take. “Veth, please. You know I’m all for chaos, but… not this time? Not for them. They’ve been through a lot.”

Veth nods. “I know. I’m just messing with you, guys,” she says with a wave of her hand.

Beau turns to Yasha. “What do you say?”

Yasha nods softly. “Yeah, sure. I’d be happy too. And Jester, it’d be great if you had something special to do as well, I’d really like that.”

“Aww, Yasha. Thanks.” Jester smiles and looks genuinely moved. “I’ll think about it. I was already thinking that maybe, I could take care of your hair, both of you?”

“Yeah, definitely!” Beau agrees with enthusiasm. “I love what you did with my circlet, and the braids you do on Yasha are always beautiful.”

Yasha thinks for a moment before speaking. “I’d like it if we both had flower crowns, or at least flowers in our hair. If you want to, Beau.”

“I thought it was a given,” the monk answers with a smile.

“And are you gonna be in a suit or a dress, Beau?” Jester asks. “I mean, I know you’re not one for dresses, especially yellow ones.”

“No yellow,” Beau insists. “But… for you, Yasha… I could wear a dress. I mean, I did it for Jester once… and it wasn’t so terrible after all, I survived… even if it was a bit short.”

Yasha suddenly takes a very serious look. “What do you mean ‘not so terrible’? Were you comfortable or not?”

Beau winces, “‘Comfortable’ is not the word I’d use. As I said, I 'survived'.”

“Beau…” Yasha’s face is severe now. “You’re not wearing something you’re not absolutely comfortable with on the day of our wedding.”

“Yash. That day… it wasn’t too long after Obann took you from us, and I wasn’t in the most comfortable of moods.” Beau said matter-of-factly. “This time, though… I’d be fine with it. But if you’re that worried, we’ll talk about it beforehand, see if I really want to or not. It’s not like it’s going to be tomorrow.”

The monk’s eyes widen just a little bit. “Oh! That reminds me!” She reaches into her satchel and has her hand clasped over something. “Speaking of that last time… we all got gifts from Calianna. And… I’ve been holding onto this for you.”

She hands Yasha a necklace with a small ornament attached to it, and the aasimar takes it with an intrigued expression. “What is it?”

“It’s a dragon tooth.”

Yasha is in awe. She handles it very carefully. “That’s beautiful.” She looks up. “I should thank her. Jester, can you send her a message for me, please?”

“Sure! Later, though? I’d like to enjoy the night for now.”

“Of course.” Yasha looks at Beau and hands her the necklace. “Can you help me with this?”

Beau grins, knowing very well that Yasha could do it herself, but not complaining about the request. She takes the necklace and the aasimar turns to help her put it around her neck. When she is done, Yasha faces her friends and they all compliment her on how good and fierce it looks.

“You’re even scarier now,” Beau jokes, and Yasha playfully growls.

It’s now Yasha’s turn to grab the bottle. “Jester, will you join us this time?”

The tiefling makes a disgusted face. “No!”

Yasha chuckles and pours three shooters. They toast again and empty their glasses. Yasha slams her own on the table. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” She kisses Beau’s hand and then stands up.

She quickly spots what seems to work as a bathroom, but there is a long line of people waiting. She sighs and goes directly outside to find an alleyway. A few minutes of business later, Yasha comes back inside and makes her way to the table, eager to get back to having fun with her fiancée… only to suddenly tumble to the ground when something trips her leg.

“Oof! I’m sorry.”

She looks up from her position on the floor and meets warm brown eyes. A half-elven woman is standing up from a barstool near the door and smiles upon looking down at her. “Well… I  _ was _ about to leave, but I might stay a little longer after all. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you behind me.”

She gives Yasha a charming smile, but the aasimar immediately puts on her intimidating face as she stands up, refusing the half-elf’s assistance. Not that she does it on purpose, it’s just the way she reacts in front of strangers when she is ill-at-ease.

However, it doesn’t seem to repel the half-elf. If anything, she seems to find it… inviting.

“Hi, I’m Almedha.”

The aasimar winces a little inside yet tries to maintain her expression. “Um… I’m Yasha.”

“Yasha. It’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you,” the aasimar replies with an almost interrogative tone.

She doesn’t say anything else and there’s an awkward silence, until the half-elf speaks. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Well… I was heading back to my friends actually.”

Yasha tries to walk past the stranger, only for the half-elf to step right into her path. “Aww, you can join them later. What’s the rush?”

“I can’t actually. They-They’re waiting for me.” She glances over and sees no one at the table has noticed what is going on.

“Give me just a moment. I’m sorry, I just find you so beautiful.”

"Thanks?" She asks, furrowing her brow. But Almedha is ignorant of Yasha's hesitancy.

Or… perhaps she's doing this on purpose. “Come on. Just one drink?”

Yasha doesn’t answer and looks back at the table and this time, Beau is staring right at her. She seems half-annoyed and half-concerned and quickly signs. **Do you need help?** Yasha discreetly nods and sees Beau saying something to Jester and Veth before standing up.

The half-elf doesn’t seem to notice anything. “So?”

“I-I really need to go back to my friends.”

“Oh. Okay. Then maybe we can meet up later? I’m staying at my own place in the condos and--”

Yasha clears her throat. “I… I’m not sure I’ll be here later.”

“Here at the inn, or here in Nicodranas?”

“Both, actually.”

“Do you travel around?” Almedha gives her an overall look. “You don’t look like the usual Nicodranian type.”

Yasha blinks. “And what is the Nicodranian type?”

“Not as pale. But don’t get me wrong, I love seeing exotic people. Especially attractive ones like yourself.”

“Um… I’m from… Xhorhas?”

Yasha keeps her intimidating face, hoping that if anything it becomes even more threatening, but inside she winces. And she was hoping that mentioning that she’s from Xhorhas would scar Almedha off… and yet it doesn’t.

“Xhorhas, huh? I see. But I can hardly believe that. You’re far too beautiful to be from such a place. It’s okay if you don’t tell me where you’re from exactly. It’s part of the allure, I’d say.”

Yasha looks around in desperation, hoping Beau will be here soon. But although she is taller than most people, Beau is not visible in the dense crowd and she can’t see where she is.

“If you’re gonna be gone soon, all the more reason to have a drink right now.” Yasha looks back at Almedha and opens her mouth to speak, but the half-elf doesn’t give her the opportunity. “I’m sorry for being so insistent and I don’t mean to be rude, but--”

“But you  _ are _ .”

Almedha swiftly turns around and comes face to face with Beau, who gives her a perfectly hypocritical smile framed by her lion mane of hair. “Good evening, my lady.”

The half-elf raises one eyebrow. “Good evening. Can I help you?”

“Me? Oh, no. But you could help this woman if you just left her alone.”

Almedha clearly looks offended by Beau’s intervention. “Excuse me?”

“I don’t want to assume too much, but judging by her repeated negative answers and her lack of interest in you, I think you’re bothering her.”

Almedha scoffs. “And who are you to patronize me like this? Her bodyguard?” She gives them successive looks and then grins. “That’d be hilarious.”

Beau just takes the veiled insult in stride. “Yeah, hilarious. Can’t you hear? I’m laughing out loud right now.”

Almedha stares at Beau. “Oooh, I get it now. You’re like one of these tiny dogs. Small, but extremely angry.”

It’s true that the half-elf is slightly taller than the human, but it never stopped Beau before. She had stared the Plank King right in the eye, for Kord’s sake. “Your lines are so lame, it’s really sad. But today is your lucky day, because it seems that I’ve changed a lot lately. Not long ago, I would have punched you for that, but I’m trying to learn how to people. So just leave her alone, and we’ll go our separate ways.”

Almedha scoffs again. “Who’s to say you’re not trying to get me away from her, just so you can get her for yourself?”

“She’s not a trophy to be won,” Beau snarls as she is starting to lose patience. “So you better get away from her or I’ll--”

She is suddenly interrupted when the massive silhouette of Yasha appears behind her and frames her. She wraps one arm around her shoulders and pulls her back a bit, but Beau doesn’t know if she’s doing this as a protective gesture, or if she is only holding her back in case she would jump at the half-elf.

Either way, it’s fucking hot. And it only gets even more steamy as Yasha stares right at Almedha, her expression still as threatening. “She's a 'lion', not a 'dog'. And she already has me for herself, actually.”

Beau is surprised by the unexpected confidence Yasha is suddenly demonstrating and her firm tone. She smirks at the idea that her intervention might have done that and she slips her hand into hers and intertwines their fingers.

The half-elf immediately notices the subtle gesture. She looks back at Yasha, then at Beau, and she falters. “Oh… Oh, shit. I’m sorry. You two are girlfriends.”

Beau opens her mouth, but she’s cut off by the woman behind her. “Engaged, in fact. And  _ happily _ so.”

The half-elf looks at Yasha. She is holding her right hand out, her ring finger beautifully adorned with Caleb’s present. Almedha stares at the ring, then at Yasha, then back at Beau whose hand that is intertwined with Yasha’s has a similar ring.

The sight of the rings has the desired effect, unsettling her immediately. “I’m-I’m sorry. I had no idea, I wouldn’t have--”

Beau cuts her short. “Actually, it’s not even about me being her girlfriend, or her fiancée, or whatever. It’s about not bothering people when they decline. Do you think you can do that next time instead of trying to solicit any unwilling strangers? Do you think from now on, you can walk away when someone says ‘no’ without insisting again and again?”

Beau isn’t even angry or chastising, just calmly making her point, yet still cracking knuckles for emphasis. "And by the way, bad idea to accost not only two members of the Mighty Nein, heroes of the Empire… but also personal,  _ close friends _ of the Ruby of the Sea."

At the mere mention of the Ruby of the Sea, what remains of the half-elf's demeanor crumbles. "Um...what?"

"Just walk away, we'll forget this ever happened," Beau says in a low tone filled with intensity, "and no one ends up in the stockade by the Zhelezo. Got it?"

“Y-Yes. I’m sorry. Um… Have a good night and… um… all my wishes, or… um… Sorry.”

And with that, the half-elf turns and walks away, slowly at first before breaking into a full run.

A short moment passes. Once she is out of sight, Beau breaks free from Yasha’s embrace to turn around, and they look at each other and chuckle. The monk quickly calms down and gets more serious. “I hope I didn’t overstep. I know you can take care of yourself, but she really seemed to be bothering you. Besides, after Trent and this stupid Sharpe, I’ve had enough of watching people harassing you without doing anything. They are fucking incoveniences. Seriously, they should just go fu--”

Yasha takes her hand to stop her rambling. “You didn’t overstep, Beau.” She gives her a reassuring smile. “You asked before interfering, and I was really glad you did. The truth is, most of the time, I don’t know how to get myself out of these situations. You know I’m not really good with people.”

“It’s okay, you’re trying. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like your awkwardness. It’s cute.”

Yasha blushes and smiles sheepishly. Beau smiles back. “Let’s go back, shall we?”

Yasha nods and they make their way to the table. As soon as they sit down, Veth shouts. “What did that bitch want? Should I kill her?”

“Nah,” Beau says. “I think we already killed her smug attitude, and that’s good enough.”

Jester joins her hands with a dreamy look. “When Yasha held onto you, Beau… That was so cute! I think I know what I want to do for your wedding.”

Beau and Yasha stare at Jester expectantly as she rambles on. “I could draw your portrait. What do you think? It would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

They are both taken off guard. Beau glances at Yasha. “I… didn’t think we would have a portrait painted. It didn’t even cross my mind, to be honest.”

“I hadn’t thought about it either,” Yasha says.

Jester forms a frame with her hands and looks at them through it with her tongue sticking out. “That stance was gentle, fierce, and beautiful. Yeah! I already have ideas for the pose!”

“I guess we can talk about it,” Beau says, not really convinced, but not opposed either. Her gaze gets lost in the distance as a thin smile forms on her face.

Yasha quickly notices. “What is it?”

Beau looks at her and smiles a bit more widely. “Would it be okay if Deilin and Umagorn were here on our wedding day?”

“Yeah, of course. We still have time to discuss who we want to invite, but they should definitely be there.”

“Okay, great.” Beau pauses and thinks for a moment. “I think I’m going to ask Deilin to be my maid of honor.”

Jester beams up. “Beau, that’s a great idea!”

“You think so? I would have asked you, but… I don’t know... She’s helped me a lot through all of this. I know she’ll always have a special place in my life now, so I’d really like her to have a special role on this day.”

Jester nods in understanding. “Well… Of course, I would have loved to be your maid of honor. But I think she deserves this. She did help you a lot. She’s helped all of us, in fact.”

They all look at each other and nod in agreement. Only Yasha looks a bit confused. “I’m sorry… This is probably a dumb question, but… What is a maid of honor?”

“You don’t know?” Beau asks, a bit surprised.

Yasha shakes her head.

“The maid of honor or the best man, or whoever depending on who’s getting hitched, is chosen by the person getting married. They’re here to help with planning and organizing the wedding. They can throw a party if they want to. On the wedding day, they help the bride or the groom get dressed, and they can make a speech. But they essentially serve as emotional support, to be honest.”

Yasha slowly nods. “I see.”

“We don’t necessarily have to play by the rules. If it’s not something you're familiar with, or if you don’t think you need a maid of honor or a best man, you don’t need one.”

“As far as I know, it’s not something my tribe used to do. But, I mean… It’s not like my tribe was big on emotional support and the sharing of burdens so, you know…”

Beau nods solemnly, having a fair idea on how harsh Yasha’s life was before.

“I think I’d like to have someone help me. Um…” Yasha slowly turns to Jester. “Would  _ you _ like to be… my maid of honor?”

Jester gasps and joins her hands on her chest with an unbelieving face. “Rea-Really?”

“Yeah. I’d love that, if you want to.”

“Are you kidding me?! I’d  _ love  _ to!”

Jester jumps on her feet and goes around the table to give Yasha a big hug. The aasimar chuckles and hugs her back. She suddenly remembers the little tiefling is almost as strong as her when she crushes her into her embrace. “Thanks, Yasha. It means a lot to me.”

“I think there’s no one more qualified than you for this. I mean… You did help me write a poem for Beau.”

Jester is practically bouncing up and down. “I know! That was so sweet that you gave it to her. And you even added more to the poem, making it better than ever! We should definitely follow up on that poetry book idea!”

“Yeah, I’m sure we can come up with better poems this time.”

Jester's expression falters a bit. “Better? What do you mean? Beau said it was great.”

Yasha quickly turns to Beau, who gives her an alarmed look but takes a stern face as soon as Jester looks at her. Yasha starts to panic, not sure what she should say or do. “I’m… glad she liked it, even though I’m not sure she was able to read the whole thing.”

Jester’s face turns serious. Yasha can tell that Jester knows she’s hiding something. “She didn’t really read the poem, did she? She wouldn’t show it to me and--”

“Um… She  _ did _ quote some of it to me, but…” Yasha looks at Beau. “I’m not sure I understand what’s going on right now.”

Jester is looking at Beau, not even paying attention. “Beau. Where’s the poem? I wanna see it.  _ Please _ .”

Beau is really embarrassed now. Yasha looks at her and knows something is wrong. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, it’s not you, Yash. Um…”

Beau rubs her nape and exhales shakily. In a matter of seconds, she feels her breathing pick up.” She doesn’t even realize what she is doing when her hand goes to her neck and she starts scratching herself nervously.

“I wasn’t really honest with you, Jess. But actually… I… I don’t really have the poem right now… Not even the letter, actually.”

“What?” Jester asks, now visibly upset. “Why? Why would you lie to--”

She feels a tug on her sleeve. Jester turns to Veth. “Jessie, maybe don’t make assumptions like that? I… I think I might know.” She looks at Beau. “I’m not sure what this letter or poem or whatever you’re talking about is, but someone took it from you, didn’t they?”

Beau’s scratching intensifies until Yasha can’t take it anymore. She gently rubs Beau’s arm and slips to her hand. The monk picks on the external cue and gives Yasha her trembling hand.

Such a violent reaction, though, is all it takes for Veth to make an accurate deduction. She’s not a “detective” for nothing. “ _ They _ took it from you, didn’t they? You only react like this when thinking about a traumatic experience, and I can’t think of any reason... other than  _ them _ .”

Jester looks toward her partner in crime-solving… and back to Beau… and back and forth. Her eyes widen ever so slightly. Beau chuckles nervously. She tries to speak, but her voice gets caught in her throat.

Yasha squeezes her hand and looks at Jester. “I think Beau didn’t want to hurt you, but I did cross out some of it. But, that’s not really the issue. She… really doesn’t have it anymore.”

Jester frowns and gives Beau a very serious look. “I don’t care about the poem right now. Beau, is it true? The Cerberus Assembly took it from you?”

Just hearing that name almost makes Beau violently react again, but Yasha’s presence manages to stave it off.

“I wish that was  _ all _ they did...” Beau manages to croak out. “They… destroyed it. Burned it in front of me. Mocked me for daring to hope… that I was loved.” She bites the interior of her cheeks and soon, she can feel a copper taste in her mouth. “And… that was the last straw. That’s when my heart grew so weak… that the Heartsbane was able to silence me.”

“Oh, Beau…” Veth mutters sadly.

Jester comes closer to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. She feels her shivering and when she looks down she sees her legs fidgeting under the table. “Can I hug you?”

Beau silently nods and Jester immediately takes her in her arms. “I’m so sorry, Beau. That’s why you were so shifty when we talked about it.”

Beau remains silent, but she nods and holds Yasha’s hand more tightly. Veth jumps down from her chair and joins them, putting a hand on Beau’s knee. The din of the bar is non-existent. It’s just Beau in her own little bubble, big enough to fit just the four of them.

Jester brings her closer. “You  _ are _ loved, Beau.”

“I know this  _ now _ .” She looks at Yasha. “I… I had really wanted to tell you sooner. All the way back in Eiselcross, honestly. But I chickened out and kept quiet. I kept thinking, ‘What if I wasn’t such a coward?’ this whole time.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” Yasha assures her, still holding on tight. “What matters is that we’re together  _ now _ , even if it took longer than you had hoped.” She pauses as she is lost in thought. “Is… Maybe this what you meant by a ‘second beginning’?”

Beau sniffles, “Yes.” She has tears in her eyes, but miraculously, she manages to keep them from dripping down.

She gently breaks free from Jester’s embrace and rubs her eyes. “I’m sorry, Jessie. I should have told you the truth. It’s hard to give up on lying when that’s what you’ve done for the better part of your life, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Jester shakes her head, patting Beau on the shoulder. “Hey. You remember what I told Caleb after he got his letter from Ickythong? We lie all the time, sometimes to protect ourselves, and even to protect others. So no hard feelings.”

Beau forces a smile. “Thanks, Jester.” She sniffles again. “I… I think I need some fresh air.” She stands up and looks at the three of them. “Just keep going with the wedding planning, or anything else, really. This night doesn’t have to be about just that. I’ll be right back.”

She squeezes Yasha’s hand and then shuffles out of the inn. As soon as she steps outside, she takes a deep breath. It’s not cold, never really is in Nicodranas, but at least the air is fresher than it is inside of the inn.

The trembling slowly leaves her body and her breathing goes back to a steady rhythm, one that doesn’t make her feel like she is choking and she might pass out at any moment. She moves her head a little from side to side, to try and relax. She places her hand at her neck where she scratched it and casts  _ Cure Wounds _ to dull the pain.

The night is clear, the stars are shining, and from the upper position where the inn is standing, she can see the moons reflecting on the surface of the ocean. The sight brings her comfort and soon, she feels better.

She will be okay.

She is okay, and has been for a long time.

She just needed a reminder that she still is.

* * *

When Beau comes back to the table, there are three full shooters waiting, as well as another full glass of milk and three pints of ale. Yasha pays and the barmaid goes to the table next to theirs. Beau sits down next to Yasha, who tenderly rubs her knee.

They drink their shooters as Jester starts sipping her own glass. Beau can tell that just like her, Veth is starting to be a bit tipsy. Yasha, however, seems perfectly fine, which is not a surprise. It takes more than a few shooters to get a barbarian drunk. She doesn’t lose time and grabs a pint, and Veth and Beau follow suit.

They raise their respective glasses and drink to… whatever is worth raising them for. Yasha chugs down half of her pint and slams it on the table before rubbing her mouth with the back of her hand. She sees Veth and Jester giggling and follows the direction of their gazes.

Beau is staring right at her. She apparently didn’t touch her ale at all as it is still resting on the table, her hand loosely holding onto the pint. Her mouth is ajar and she doesn’t seem very reactive at the moment. Yasha raises her eyebrows. “Are you okay, Beau?”

The monk quickly composes herself. “Ye-Yeah. Great.”

Jester giggles more. “You were staring again, Beauuu.”

“I-I was watching respectfully.”

“Respectfully… Like the other day, when we were baking and your brain short-circuited?”

Veth grins. “Oh, yes! Jessie told me. I wish I had been here to see that. I think you should have it checked, it’s concerning,” she says with a mischievous look.

“It’s called ‘being in love’, Veth, and I think you also suffer from such an ailment? And you as well, right, Jester?” Yasha smiles as she retorts with surprising timing.

“You didn’t tell us what you did after leaving that day, by the way,” Jester continues, failing to hide her blushing after Yasha’s comeback.

Beau rolls her eyes. “I think you know very well what we did.”

“Yes, but I want details!” Jester says it with a singing voice and one of her devilish smiles.

Beau is a bit queasy, but she can handle the situation. This is her field of expertise, and this is not like she has never discussed that kind of thing with Jester.

Yasha, however, is very visibly ill-at-ease. Her face is crimson red and she has this attitude where she tries to shrink to become as small as possible, when really, there is no way she could hide such a large stature.

Jester obviously notices her reaction, but it doesn’t stop her, quite the opposite. “You seemed to be sleeping pretty tightly, when we came to check on you. Didn’t even flinch. It must have been tiring.”

“Um… well...” Yasha stammers.

Beau is certain the tiefling’s smile is growing with every passing second, but Beau herself is not smiling, which ends up lowering Jester’s own giddiness. “It  _ was _ tiring, but not really in the way you imagine, Jester. I wanted to help Yasha… cope with past regrets.”

She subtly points to the spot where her scar would be. This time, Jester seems hesitant. She apparently realizes this might not be one where she wants to push it further.

“It helped, though. Thank you, Beau. Even if… it did lead to that unpleasant spat afterward,” Yasha says sheepishly.

“Oh.” That’s all that Jester says.

“So that’s what happened,” Veth realizes. “You told her about stabbing you, and that’s what…”

The words trail off, bringing with them unpleasant memories of the fight in question.

“But hey! That’s all in the past now!” Jester suddenly shouts, eager to change course. For once, purely out of gratitude, Beau doesn’t object. And yet… no one else speaks up.

Silence falls around and for a moment it’s really awkward until Yasha, to everyone’s surprise, clears her throat and tries to ease the tension. “I thought about what you suggested, Beau. About possibly cutting my hair. I think I’ll do it.”

“Really? That’s great, babe,” Beau says with a wide smile. “We’re going to match.”

Yasha blushes a bit and nods.

“Ooh! Ooh! Let me do it! I can’t wait!” Jester is practically bouncing up and down, holding her three friends close… until she feels a familiar presence creep up, snicker… and without warning, in a sudden flash of light, they’re not in the bar anymore.

They’re back in her room at the Lavish Chateau.

Jester’s face doesn’t even bother hiding her frustration.  **_“Artie!”_ **

The snickering and chuckling gets a little more audible, definitely the telltale presence of that trickster archfey-god-person.  _ “Sorry, couldn’t help myself.” _ And then the presence is gone.

“We didn’t even leave tips...” Yasha mutters. And yet, that is what it takes for the Chaos Crew plus one to just erupt into laughter.

“Now that we’re here, can I cut your hair?” Jester asks when she finally calms down.

Yasha seems a bit hesitant. “Have you ever done it before?”

“Yes! Mama let me do hers when I was a child. It was terrible at first, and she always had to ask for a hairdresser afterward,” the tiefling says with a chuckle. “She only told me the truth later. But I got pretty good through the years.”

“Okay, you can do it then.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”

Jester claps her hand excitedly and leaves the room. While she is gone, Beau and Veth sneak out. It’s still quite early in the night, but Marion is not performing and so the hall is empty. They go to the bar and grab a bottle before rushing back to Jester’s room, right before she comes back with a towel and scissors.

Yasha sits down on a chair and Jester puts the towel on her shoulders. “Do you want me to help you take all of... this off?” she gestures around Yasha’s hair.

“All of what?”

“These charms in your hair.”

“Oh. Um… I’d like to keep them, in fact. They’re presents from Zuala and Molly.”

“No, no, don’t worry! I just need you to take them off so I can cut your hair, but then you can put them back on. Of course you’re not getting rid of them.”

Yasha seems relieved. “Yeah, if you could give me a hand that would be nice. There are quite a lot of them.”

Beau and Veth join, the halfling climbing onto a stool to reach the aasimar’s head, and within a few minutes, Yasha’s hair is completely free, loose and silky-smooth. Jester stands in front of her and gives her a thorough look. “So, what kind of haircut would you like?”

Yasha thinks for a moment, considering her options. “Same length as Beau. But… I think I’d like to keep one long braid. I’ve always had my hair long and…”

She pauses and they all patiently wait as she holds one lock between her fingers. “This is how it looked when Zuala was alive. I don’t think I’m ready to completely leave it behind yet.”

“I agree,” Beau asserts to Yasha. “You should hold on to that memory.”

She runs a hand through Yasha’s hair and then puts it on her cheek. “And if you don’t want to cut it at all, that’s fine too. It was only a suggestion, I don’t want you to do it just to make me happy.”

“No, I want to do it. We are all changing, right?”

Beau smiles and nods. She barely overhears Yasha whisper to herself, “This is one shackle I’ll gladly keep on, Zuala. But it’s not one to hold me back. It’s one to help me move on.”

“Okay, let me braid it right now so that you can choose where you want it,” Jester says. “And then I’ll cut it.”

“We should hide the mirror!” Veth exclaims. “Beau, help me.”

Together, they take the sheet from Jester’s bed and Beau puts it on the hairdresser’s mirror. Yasha gives her instructions to Jester and the tiefling braids her hair.

Beau comes in front of Yasha and crouches down as she puts her two hands on her lap. “Are you okay?”

“A bit nervous.”

“Understandable. But you’re sure? If so, how do you want to do this?”

“Yes, I am,” Yasha says with a firm tone. “I want to remember my time with her, but she shouldn’t be a shackle that holds me back. She said so herself.”

Beau gently rubs her knee and Yasha coyly smiles. “Will you hold me through the show, though?”

Beau chuckles and smiles. “That’s an extra charge. We do do that, though.”

Yasha can’t help but smile back. The way Beau is grinning with her head cocked to the side, her hair shorter, her body and face scarred, the faint glow of a tattoo on her neck…

At this very moment, she was very much a shade of Mollymauk.

One could say… a “successor” of his, striving to leave every place better than what she found it. Not a painful memory in the slightest, but rather a happy memory.

A memory of the friend she knew, living on through the woman she loves.

Jester rests one hand on each of Yasha’s shoulders. “Ready when you are.”

The aasimar takes a deep breath. “Go on.”

With an energetic “Okay!”, Jester grabs the scissors and quickly gets to work as Beau is smiling at Yasha, her hands still on her legs as the scissors meet her hair, the sensation much like years of sadness, of a past she grew to loathe, being shorn away. A sensation of being rebuilt. Of being reborn.

The minutes pass with Jester focusing on her task, Yasha patiently waiting, though she is a bit nervous, and Beau and Veth simply watching. After a while, the halfling gets bored and drags Beau into a drinking game.

They sit on the floor, facing each other with their legs crossed. Veth has her hands on top of Beau’s. Her palms are downward, while Beau’s are turned upward. The one with her hands underneath has to slap her opponent’s and each time one of them loses, she has to drink. As they’re already a bit tipsy, it’s really fun to watch and more than once, Jester has to ask Yasha to stay still. Even if she is not playing, she is still drinking with them.

Unsurprisingly, the game quickly turns into an actual competition and gets out of hand. When Veth tries to pretend Beau cheated, the monk jumps at her and they start rolling on the floor like two children, or rather two puppies. Jester lets herself be distracted and she and Yasha laugh boisterously as they witness the ridiculous quarrel.

That is, until the door flings open.

“Jester?! Are you okay?! What the hell is going on?!”

A very familiar, massive minotaur shoves his head into the room, obviously too big to fit inside. His cursory search stops when he discovers the dimly-lit interior, a rather peaceful scene apart from the maniacs on the floor who stop fighting when they see him.

Bluud just gives a heavy sigh. “You got me worried, I thought you were being attacked!”

Jester smiles. “Just a girls night out that turned into a sleepover.”

“It’s the middle of the night!”

“Blame Veth. She forgot she’s supposed to be home right now.” Jester says mischievously as she stares at her partner in chaos. “Isn’t that right, Veth? Luc’s going to be sooooo upset at you~! And Clara, too! You brought Beau over here without her mama’s permission. TJ’s probably so sad that his sistah isn’t there! What do you have to say for yourself?”

Right as Veth is about to reply with what would probably be a witty comment, there’s a ruckus in the hallway and the rest of the Mighty Nein bursts into the room, roughly shoving Bluud to the side, who snorts in annoyance.

Fjord has the Star Razor in his hand and is quite disheveled. “Who dares attack the Mighty Nein in their home?!”

Both of Caleb’s hands are on fire and Caduceus’s staff is shining with  _ Light _ . The three of them stop in the doorframe and watch in confusion. Yasha awkwardly waves and smiles with an apologetic expression. “Hi, guys.”

Fjord throws his arms in the air. “What the hell are you all doing? I thought you were out.”

“We were,” Veth says. ”But then Jester’s patron brought us here and we decided we would cut Yasha’s hair.”

“Cu-Cut Yasha’s h- It’s the middle of the night!”

Jester rolls her eyes at all four men being so protective, albeit a little overly so. “Yeah, yeah, we know that already. All of you men are  _ so _ observant,” she says with a sigh. “But, again, Veth’s idea. You all were there, remember? She totally wanted to sneak us out for a night… without telling our families.”

“What?! Jester, you--!” the halfling attempts.

“Go home, Veth. Luc needs her mama,” Beau insists, giving Jester a sly wink. “And I need to get home as well. I appreciate the stunt you pulled, but… yeah. Gotta ask for consent, you know? Henry’s going to be soooooo upset.”

“But… I want to see how Yasha’s new haircut looks once Jester is done!”

“Tomorrow, Veth,” Yasha interjects. “Right now, you need to go home. It’s late.”

“I might as well do the same, finally.” Beau stands up, patting Yasha on the cheek. “See you in the morning!” And she walks away, hearing Veth’s eruption of an outburst sound out of Jester’s room.

“Wait…  **_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE_ ** ?!”

* * *

“Yeah, yeah. I admit it. I couldn’t help it! I had… the itch?”

The four ladies are sitting down in the lounge of the Chateau the very next morning, half of them still a little hungover, Beau perfectly fine, and Jester just being sleepy. All four of them can’t help but laugh over the chaos that resulted from last night’s fiasco.

“But even if I lied and pretended Beau was cheating, it was fun, right?” Veth insists.

“You  _ shouldn’t _ have lied, though, Veth,” Yasha says bluntly.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Beau says. “We were drunk. Well… most of us were. Let’s just throw it under the bridge.”

“Wait… not me, though, right?” Veth quickly asks in a panic. They all burst out laughing once more, Beau even louder than the others.

“Did you see Fjord, trying to be all gallant?” Beau parts her arms and flexes her biceps as she puffs her chest and takes a deep voice and an accent close to the one the half-orc had when they met him.  _ “Who dares attack the Mighty Nein in their home?!” _

They start crying from laughter, even Jester who, for once, doesn’t come to her boyfriend’s rescue. “I was more amused by Caleb lighting his hands on fire… INSIDE MY OWN HOME. What a dork, he knows better.”

“It was cute, though,” Yasha says. “The way they came running to protect you, Jester. Even Caduceus.”

Beau shrugs. “I think we would all have done the same for Jester.”

Yasha nods. “It’s true. You really are everyone's favorite.”

“You guys...” Jester says with a hand motion. “Stop!”

But her smile betrays how much she likes it. Beau can’t help but smile as well. While the circumstances surrounding these recent weeks weren’t pleasant, they were able to provide an outlet for her to process and break her through her shell a lot more.

The ladies hear footsteps coming down the stairs, followed by smaller, lighter ones. They turn to the stairs and see Caleb and Frumpkin arriving to greet them. Soon after, Fjord and Caduceus show up.

And now that the air is not as charged with chaos as last night, they are all quite aware of the short-haired aasimar in the room.

Fjord looks at her. “So… We didn’t really have time to discuss it last night, but you decided to cut it in the end? It looks great.” He turns to Jester, sitting next to him, and smiles. “You did a really good job.”

“Thanks, Fjord.”

Yasha runs a hand through her own hair and shakes it a little, fingers twiddling with the single braid left over. “I think I needed some changes.”

“It suits you,” Caleb says with a stern expression, but Yasha knows him well enough now to see in his eyes that he means it. “And it’s really nice, completely white now.  _ Ja _ , it’s nice.”

Beau leans against her and smiles. “You’re beautiful. I like it very much.” Her last words roll on her tongue like a purr.

Caduceus sits up like he suddenly wakes up and smiles. “Hey! All three of us match now.”

Everybody throws him unsettled looks and then giggles at how slow he is to realize some things. Beau grins, “We do.”

Jester throws a look at her friends. “What should we do today? I want to do something with all of us together!”

Fjord has an arm over her shoulders. “What about the beach? Veth, it’s been long since your last swimming lesson.”

“No way! I’m not swimming!”

“Will you come with us anyway if we go?” Jester asks.

“Yes, but I’m not putting one single toe in the water.”

“We’ll see about that,” Fjord jokes.

“You don’t want to mess with me on this.” Veth uncovers her teeth in a semblance of snarl that would be much scarier if she was still a goblin.

Jester looks at the others. “So? Beach?”

“Sure,” Caleb agrees. “But not for too long. It’s going to be hot again today, and for now it won’t be so bad, but I think it will be quite unbearable this afternoon.”

“Says the firebug,” Fjord mumbles under his breath.

Caleb throws him a look, but he doesn’t seem offended and shrugs.

Jester briskly stands up. “Okay! Let’s go change and then we can--!”

The tiefling suddenly stops talking without warning.

Beau’s seen and felt this reaction before. It’s the same kind of reaction one would get when being the recipient of  _ Sending _ .

After a short moment, Jester looks right at Beau. "Someone sent me a message from Dairon. They say things are falling into place. We have to be prepared, they will contact us very soon to take action."

"How soon?"

"In the next few days."

Beau feels a bit dizzy from the news. She knew it would happen eventually, but now that it is finally within reach, she can't believe she will get the opportunity for revenge in just a few days.

_ Wait… revenge? No… not “revenge”. We all agreed that we need to put a stop to throwing children on the pyre. Revenge is meaningless. It just makes us no different from them. _

She suddenly feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up to meet Caleb's eyes. "Justice will be done, finally. We can finally stamp out the pyre."

She nods back at him, glad that this is one of the rare moments where they are fully on the same page. "Yeah. Soon."

There is a moment of silence where no one speaks, until Fjord stands up in turn. "Beach?"

They all nod, eager to do something instead of awkwardly staring at each other.

An hour or so later, the Mighty Nein convene at the beach.

As she promised, Veth stays on the beach and doesn’t get anywhere near the water. Fjord tries to throw her in the ocean, but he quickly stops when she pulls out her crossbow and points it at him. In the end, she and Caduceus sit down to sunbathe and chat, a perfect opportunity to make sure the firbolg feels included in this strange family.

Caleb strips down and just like he did the first time they were in Nicodranas, he walks straight into the ocean, completely naked, and immerses himself into water. He goes far from the shore and floats starfish-style.

Fjord and Jester, after giving up on Veth, try their hand at playing chicken by holding their breath underwater. Jester ends up losing most of the rounds, though.

Beau and Yasha lazily swim away from the shore, until only Yasha’s feet touch the bottom, and Beau clings to her like a koala. The two sentinels are wearing simple swimwear that has the double-edged sword of fitting their bodies quite nicely… but also showcasing the myriad of scars on them. The latter of which, though, is hardly a concern to them. After all, the Nein already knew where most of them originated.

Beau pushes Yasha’s hair out of her face and gently runs her fingers through the braid. The aasimar smiles. “Looks like you can’t get enough of it. You haven’t stopped touching it for more than five minutes since this morning.”

“I just think it looks really good. Gives you a fierce look.”

“Didn’t I look fierce before?”

“You did, but now even more. And the braid is nice.”

She gets her hands out of Yasha’s hair and cups her face to kiss her. They part when they hear Jester laughing in the distance and looks as she is getting on Fjord’s shoulders. They both chuckle as they piggyback.

“They’re dumb, but they’re cute,” Beau says with a grin. She looks at Yasha. “Hey. TJ will be with his preceptor this afternoon, and my mother told me she would be with Marion at the Chateau.”

“That’s nice,” Yasha agrees, smiling. “They have plans or they will just be hanging out? I mean… your mother seems pretty taken with Marion and...”

“Stop!” Beau puts her hand up close to Yasha’s face yet not touching it. “I do  _ not  _ want you to finish that thought! Not when it involves my mother. It’d be too much like how I used to fantasize being with Jester before I sorted through my shit.”

“I’m just kidding, sweetheart. I won’t finish that thought, I promise.” Yasha chuckles and pecks Beau on the corner of the mouth. “But really, I was genuinely asking if they had plans.”

“I don’t know. My mother might have told me what they were doing, but I stopped listening right when I realized the house would be empty for the afternoon… and...” She grimaces. “ _ Godsdammit _ , Yash, you still got me thinking about it!”

Yasha can’t help grinning, which owes her a light hit on the shoulder.

“You’re such an asshole,” Beau stares with a mock-scowl.

“I know. I’m engaged to one.”

Beau’s fake scowl just ends up melting. “Damn. I don’t have a comeback for that one.”

Yasha smiles, visibly satisfied to have the last word for once. Her hands leave Beau’s legs, as they are wrapped around her waist and she doesn’t need to support her in water. They creep up Beau’s back and she leans closer to her. “So… an empty house, huh?”

Beau smirks and puts her arms around Yasha’s neck and kisses her.

Away from this, Fjord glances at them. “Look at those two love birds.”

“Birds of a feather, more like,” Jester says in kind. “I’m so happy for them. They’ve gone through a lot… before we all met and after.”

Yasha says something that they can’t hear from this distance and Beau chuckles. Right after, the monk leans closer to Yasha and whispers something in her ear. Immediately, the aasimar’s face turns red. She gives Beau a look and they seem to go into a lengthy conversation, one during which the grin on Beau’s face never leaves.

“I wonder what they’re saying,” Jester mutters. “I wish  _ I _ could read lips.”

“You probably have at least a vague idea of what they’re saying, don’t you?”

“Yes, but I want to know! I have an idea.”

Fjord recognizes that glint in her violet eyes. “Oh no...”

“Would you cast  _ Water Breathing _ on me, Fjooord?” she hums with a charming smile.

“No, I’m not helping you spy on them, Jester.”

“Come on!”

“No.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Neither is--” is all he gets out before all of a sudden… she vanishes, too fast for him to even think of using  _ Counterspell. _

“--eavesdropping...”

Around this time, Beau has released Yasha’s waist. Her legs are now slowly moving under water, although she doesn’t really need to swim since the aasimar is still holding her waist. She gently rubs the back of Yasha’s head, right where her hair starts, still a bit surprised by what Yasha just suggested. “You would like to try it?”

“Yes. Does it weird you out?”

Beau shakes her head, releasing her hold on Yasha and treading backward, eyes still on her. “No, I’m just… surprised. And impressed. After what happened before, I didn’t think you’d be into it.”

Yasha just nods. “I mean, I’m  _ asking _ for it this time, it’s not like being forcibly restrained and thrown into a cage. But if you’re uncomfortable with it, we don’t have to do it.”

“I’m okay with it. I mean, I did ask for it myself, so I can see what drives you to this. And… I’m glad you’re trusting me to do it, Yasha.”

Yasha looks at Beau, her eyes looking hopeful and loving. “Should we try it then?”

Beau’s about to answer in the affirmative, but whatever she wanted to say… she doesn’t quite get out. Instead, she just treads forward, eyes closed as Yasha does the same, arms grasping and finding purchase on each other…

Their lips meet… yet it’s not on each other’s lips. But on their… cheeks? Maybe they should not have closed their eyes?

At the same time, though, something feels... off.

And the cheek that Beau kissed, it feels… cold? What the fuck?

And why does she smell… like...

Her eyes immediately open, as do Yasha’s. How did they not even notice?!

A smiling blue tiefling is now floating right between them, her cheeks flushed with a purple tint. She grins and covers her cheeks with her hands. “You guys… You kissed me!”

“ **_J-JESTER?!_ ** ” Yasha exclaims as she is frantically backstroking. “Wh-What the fuck?!”

Beau almost goes underwater as Yasha suddenly drops her. She has to cough a bit of water out and starts swimming to keep her head emerged. “We…” Beau sputters out as she is coughing. “We didn’t kiss you! You appeared right in front of… right… between us!”

“ _ JESTER! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SNEAK UP ON THEM! _ ” they hear Fjord shout out, completely and utterly  _ done _ with her hijinx.

They briefly look at the half-orc, who is gesticulating, and then turn to Jester. The tiefling doesn’t seem embarrassed in the slightest, just really happy and amused that she received a kiss from both of them.

“So… What do you want to try? I missed my first spell and appeared a bit too far from where I was aiming for, but I overheard you speaking before teleporting again. Whatever it was, it must be pretty steamy based on how red you were and I just need to know all the details, come on!”

Beau waves her hands in front of Jester, cutting off her torrent of words. “Wait… ‘Aiming for’? You teleported between us  _ on purpose _ ?!”

“Not exactly. Technically, I miscalculated my second  _ Dimension Door _ too. Not as much, but still a bit. Technically. So? What is it?”

The deep red that appeared on Yasha’s whole face won’t leave and even her ears are starting to redden now.

“It’s none of your business, Jess. Please don’t do that again...” Beau mutters as she tries to swim away, tempted to drown herself in saltwater just to avoid Jester the inquisitor.

Jester just swims to match Beau’s pace. “Oh, come on! Am I not your best friend? You can tell me.”

“Jester!” Beau is seriously losing patience at this point and raises her voice. “Please. No.”

The tiefling pouts. “You’re no fun either.”

Beau gapes as she stops swimming and resumes treading. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Yasha places a hand on Beau’s shoulder. “Please don’t fight, you two.”

Jester seems unsettled by Beau’s sudden reaction. “We’re not fighting, though. And it was just a kiss on the cheek, it’s okay, Beau.”

“No, it’s not--” Beau stops and tries to calm down. She takes a deep breath despite still having to tread saltwater. “This is not about this stupid kiss, Jester. I mean, sure, I would have preferred if it hadn’t happened, or at least not like this, because a kiss on the cheek is one thing, but it’s another thing when it’s not supposed to happen.”

“What’s wrong then?” Jester asks with a genuine confused look.

Beau angrily mumbles. “Okay. I think we need to have a conversation, but can we please go back to where Yasha is not the only one standing, er, floating?”

Jester nods and they swim back to the shore, but still make sure to keep a distance between each other and the rest of the Nein who, apart from Fjord and most likely Caduceus who says nothing, aren’t noticing their departure.

They find their towels and leave their dry clothes in their bags as they walk the distance to the Chateau.

Yasha and Jester wrap their towels around them, but Beau just angrily throws hers over her shoulder. “We seriously need to talk.”

“I’m listening.” Jester is way calmer now that she’s understood how serious Beau is.

“In  _ private _ , Jester.” Beau just says as she continues to walk.

“Okay,” Jester mutters as she throws a concerned look to Yasha, who looks back and awkwardly shrugs.

When they finally get to the Chateau, they go straight to Jester’s room. The tiefling enters first, lets her friends in and then closes before facing them.

Beau briefly pinches the basis of her nose as she looks Jester in the eye. “Jester, I love you, you know this. But you need to stop doing that.”

“Do-Doing what?” She looks like a scared child scolded by her mother.

Beau notices her expression and softens her own. “Whatever tickles your fancy, if you know what I mean. Inserting yourself into other peoples’ affairs.” She sighs. “We’ve had this conversation before, remember? When you sent a message to… to him?”

Jester frowns. “To Thoreau? It wasn’t the same. I understood why you got mad, and I never did it again.”

“Boundaries, Jessie. Everyone has them. And I get that you were excitable and wanted to know things.”

Beau glances over to Yasha briefly. “You know the other day… Yasha was accosted by that stranger while we were at the bar. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Is… Is this what I look like to you, guys?” She quickly looks between Beau and Yasha.

“No,” Yasha shakes her head. “We know you better than that.”

“What’s wrong, then?”

Beau sighs. She hates this whole situation, but she has to be honest now. “You are… intrusive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to be, but some of your questions are… a little inappropriate? I’m not shy about my sex life, but… this is beyond ‘not shy’.”

“But… we talk about it sometimes, when you and I are alone.”

“Yeah, precisely! When we’re  _ alone _ . Not in front of everyone like you sometimes do.”

Yasha throws Beau an unsettled look. “You discuss our sex life with Jester?”

Beau sighs again. “We did talk, even before you and I were together. And I never gave details, we just discuss general stuff.”

Yasha still seems a bit bewildered and Beau can’t hide her worry. “Is it okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would be a problem. I really never give details.”

“Never,” Jester confirms. “And now that I think about it…”

She looks at Beau. “A lot of times, you didn’t answer my questions when I asked for details.”

“Yes, because it made me uncomfortable. This is what I’m talking about, Jester.”

Yasha nods in agreement and Beau keeps going. “The real problem is not even the questions. Well… They’re a bit embarrassing sometimes, but we can handle it. But you’re really… pushy sometimes, even when you don’t notice it. If you ask something and we say we don’t want to tell you, then you should let it be, and not be insistent until you get an answer or until people get uncomfortable.”

Jester suddenly looks very pensive.

“We’re not upset at you, Jessie,” Beau elaborates as she looks at her friend with kind eyes. “We just...”

“No, I get what you’re saying,” Jester shakes her head, taking this surprisingly well. “I get excited easily and rather eager. I’m just a curious girl, that’s all.”

Yasha gives her a small smile. “Yes, we know, and we love that about you.”

“Honestly...” Beau scratches the back of her head and thankfully not her neck, to Yasha’s relief, “it’s my fault for overreacting and being defensive. But we were trying to keep things private, you know?”

“Yes, I understand. I’m sorry, guys. I can’t promise I’ll stop overnight, but I’ll try to be more careful from now on. I don’t want to upset you.”

Beau puts a hand on her shoulder. “I told you, we’re not upset.”

Yasha nods and smiles. “We’re not.”

“Okay”, Jester says in acceptance. “And sorry about the kiss. Well, kisses.”

“It’s alright,” Beau says. “In retrospect, it was embarrassing but it would have been a funny prank in other circumstances. Just don’t make it a habit, please.”

“Okay. I’ll try.” With that, the three of them assume the conversation has been resolved… until Jester turns back, her hand on the doorknob. “Hey… um...”

“Yeah?” Beau asks.

“Remember that conversation we had back in Zadash? About… kissing with consent? Yeah, I realize I kinda fucked up back there just now. And… uh...”

Yasha’s eyes blink. “Jester… what are you getting at?”

“Um… it wasn’t all bad… was it?”

The two sentinels look at each other and then back to Jester. “I… I suppose it wasn’t. Probably would’ve been better under more appropriate circumstances,” Beau admits.

Jester nods. “Yeah. You make a good point. Old habits die hard, I guess. Maybe I’ll never change.”

Beau just pats Jester on the shoulder. “Maybe not. But it never hurts to hold back once in a while, just leave things be.”

“Just, um...” Yasha speaks up. “The next time you want to know what’s happening… maybe wait until we tell you?”

Jester smiles at her friends. “I’ll think about it. No, really, I will. And sorry for ruining your moment.” She pauses. “So… you’re not gonna tell me what you were discussing?”

Their faces go red slightly, but Beau is firm. “No.”

“Okay. I’ll just… use my imagination, then.”

“It  _ is _ your strongest trait, Jester,” Yasha tells her. Jester just smiles at that.

“Well then! Shall we get back to the beach?” Beau says this as she heads to the door. “Vacation’s going to end soon, so we may as well do everything we want to do beforehand.”

Jester and Yasha voice no objections. The three ladies step out of Jester’s room and are on their way back to the beach where the others were left behind… when they already see them approaching while standing outside the Chateau. They even had the common courtesy of retrieving the girls’ bags with their clothes inside.

“Done so soon?” Jester asks.

“It’s getting a little too hot, as it’s the afternoon,” Caleb mentions. “May as well call it a day and do some… homework.”

Beau recognizes that glint in his eye. “Working on some sort of spell, are you?”

“Perhaps.”

That’s the only response Beau gets, but it’s all she needs to know.

* * *

##  **Several days later...**

* * *

It’s another sunny day in Nicodranas.

Beau is still snoring in her bed at home, after having Yasha spend the night with her after a late-night book session with Caleb and reading stories to TJ. It was a nice learning experience and practice for their eventual married life, seeing as they would essentially be living together from now on. TJ was also very receptive and glad for Yasha’s company, and despite all odds, Henriette and Harey warmed up to each other, the bunny often napping alongside the cat.

The peaceful slumber is momentarily interrupted by small knocks at the front door. Beau slightly lifts her head from the pillow and opens only one eye, and when Yasha also wakes up and sees her, she can’t help chuckling.

The monk groans, wiping drool from her mouth. “Don’t laugh at my stupid morning face.”

“Your stupid morning face is pretty cute,” she says as she kisses her on the cheek.

There is another series of knocks on the door. Beau also recognizes Clara’s footsteps coming out of her own room.

“Mom! Can you get the door, please?!”

“Alright!”

Footsteps descend down to the first floor and even through their closed door, Beau can hear the front door open and Clara having a muffled conversation with someone. After a bit, she hears the same footsteps climbing the stairs… along with a second set.

“Beau! Jester’s here to--”

“Hi!” the unmistakable voice of Jester Lavorre cuts off that of Clara, her voice full of energy as always. “Sorry to wake you two up, I hope I’m not bothering you. Can I come in?”

Beau grins. “She learned her lesson, apparently.”

“But will it last?”

The two sentinels laugh and then Beau answers her friend. “Give us just a moment, Jess!”

She gets out of bed and grabs her discarded clothes. Yasha mimics her and soon, they are both dressed. Beau opens the curtains and the window as Yasha goes to the door. “Hello, Jester. Come on in.”

The tiefling steps inside. “Hi, Yasha! Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, thanks. What about you?”

“I was sleeping well... before Fjord ended up kicking me off the bed with his tossing and turning. He was worse than you sometimes,” she says in a grumpy tone. “And right after that… I received a message from Dairon.”

Immediately, Beau joins them and gives Jester a preoccupied look. “What did they say?”

“Hello to you too, Beau,” Jester says with a grin.

“Sorry, Jessie. Hi,” the monk greets her with a brief hug.

Jester happily responds and then her expression turns more serious. “Dairon said we had to meet them in Zadash. They want to talk to us in person. Apparently, she has some business to take part in, at the archive in  _ Rexxentrum _ , and she wants us to come along… with Expositor Lionett now that she is fully reinstated.”

Beau nods, getting the meaning of Dairon’s ultimatum. “In other words... vacation’s over.”

Jester nods. “I already told the others at the Chateau. Gave me the opportunity to make Fjord pay for kicking me out.” She grins briefly and continues. “They’re getting prepared and I was about to go get Veth right after.”

“Did Dairon say when we should meet?”

“As soon as possible. Today, if we can.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Beau has a very intense expression.

“Oh, and Caleb said he wanted to try something with all of us before we leave.”

“Something?” Beau asks with a suspicious look.

Jester shrugs. “He didn’t say anything else.”

“That wizard… Mystery’s his middle name.”

Yasha raises an eyebrow. “I thought it was Aldric.”

“No, I mean he... Nevermind,” Beau says as she clears her throat. “We better convene… and prepare. We’ll meet all of you at the Chateau, Jess.”

“Okay, I’ll go get Veth. See you!”

With that, the tiefling dashes out. Just as the front door closes, Yasha gasps. “Oh, I get it!”

Beau facepalms and chuckles. “Still as dense, huh?”

“Some things never change,” Yasha says as she smiles at how long it took her to understand. But then the smile fades away upon coming to terms with where they’re going.

“Yash?”

“I’m fine. I’m just… thinking about the last time we had a conflict in Rexxentrum. When I...”

Beau steps in front of her, placing her hands on Yasha’s shoulders. “Yeah. I know. I’m not as thrilled to go back… for obvious reasons. But we have to. Right?”

Yasha nods. “Let’s go meet up with the others.”

Beau gives her a quick kiss and a stroke on the cheek, and then walks over to her dresser for her satchel and gear. Upon seeing Yasha dressing up for combat in her familiar leathers and shawl, wearing the symbol of the Stormlord atop her breast and sheathing both the Magician’s Judge and the Skingorger across her broad back, Beau sighs and laments that it’s already coming to a head, much sooner than she had anticipated.

With Yasha’s back turned, she changes out of her night clothes and finds her Cobalt Soul vestments, extracted from the bag of holding some time ago.

It had been awhile since she had been in these vestments. But the thought of going back to work, doing what she does best with a few new skills and tricks at her disposal, fills her with excitement that quells the fear inside of her.

So she changes into her old uniform, outfitting herself with her proper Expositor accoutrement before equipping her bracers, wearing her gloves, and putting on her circlet, the arcane force within stimulating her mind. She also puts the pin of the Cobalt Soul onto her coat’s lapel.

As she pulls out and slings the Belabor behind her, she also finds the hip holster she had made for Rebuttal, the pistol itself still held within. Upon strapping that on and sliding her tinker’s tools, her spellcasting focus, into a side pocket, she puts on her Kryn-made boots of the vigilant and meditates for the attunement of her favored items to settle in.

After finishing her attunement, Beau meets Yasha at her bedroom door before they leave the house together. They meet Veth and Jester outside as they’re leaving the Brenattos’ house. Yeza and Luc are with them, the same way that Clara and TJ joined without a second thought.

The heavy atmosphere is uncomfortable for everybody as they make their way to the Lavish Chateau.

Uncomfortable because they are all very aware that this is the atmosphere usually present before families are separated by the call to action as soldiers march to war.

When they arrive, Caleb, Fjord and Caduceus are waiting for them, as well as Marion. Jester immediately goes to her mother and gives her a big hug. The two of them stay in each other’s arms as Beau throws a look at her own mother.

Caleb easily picks on the tension and clears his throat. “Is everybody ready to leave now?”

Beau gives him a stern look. “No. But we don’t really have a choice, do we?”

Caleb doesn’t answer, just stares back at her. The monk takes a deep breath. “This game of cat and mouse has lasted long enough, it’s time to put an end to it.”

This time, Caleb nods firmly. “Before we go… I’ve been working on something for the past few days. I think we should try it now.”

Everybody looks at him with interrogative expressions and he rubs his hands together. “Nein, don’t freak out, just let it happen.” He turns to Yasha. “You’re safe, you have nothing to worry about.”

Yasha raises her eyebrows. “O-Okay?”

Caleb pulls components out of his pouch, which are what seem to be two random eggshells from different creatures, and signals to everyone that he is about to cast. He starts muttering as he forms complex patterns with his hands. His gaze drifts away, until it’s focused again eventually.

He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them a moment later, all of the Mighty Nein feel a sensation they have all experienced at least once before, whether they ended up being subdued or not.

Instinctively, Yasha shakes her head and instantly grabs the back of her neck. Upon seeing her reaction, Beau reaches out and takes her hand in her own. But as she is about to speak, she hears another voice… but not from anyone’s mouth to her ears.

It’s the same feeling that she would have upon being the recipient of a  _ Sending _ or  _ Message _ casting… but not quite. A more solid comparison, she realizes, is when they had dinner in Rexxentrum with Trent Ikithon and Caleb’s former classmates, Astrid and Eodwulf.

_ Telepathy _ , she concludes as the voice speaks loud and clear in her mind.

_ “You’re safe, Yasha.” _

She turns to Caleb and stares right as him, but as she hears his voice again, his lips don’t move at all.  _ “I can stop if you’re uncomfortable.” _

She is a bit hesitant, but then she tries to speak through this strange telepathic bond Caleb just created between them.  _ “I’m okay.” _ She pauses briefly, taken by surprise when she realizes it works.  _ “It’s… weird.” _

She starts wondering if the others can hear them, and the answer quickly comes in the form of a familiar joyful voice.  _ “Guys! We can talk without speaking!” _

All of the Nein turn to Jester, who has a big smile on her face, and they can’t help but smile back.

Fjord’s voice is the next to resonate in all of their minds.  _ “Caleb, it’s amazing!” _

As thin as the wizard’s smile is, pride and satisfaction are visible on his face.  _ “I’ve been working on this spell ever since you were cursed by the Heartsbane. I wanted to come up with a solution in case you found none.” _

_ “Too bad you found one before we solved it but… better late than never,” _ Beau points out, suddenly amused that her thoughts can be heard and not ignored. She then speaks out loud in Common, “Does this mean  _ all _ our thoughts are able to be heard?”

Caleb shakes his head, saying in her mind, “Nein. _ Just when you wish to consciously communicate. Believe me, I put some thought into this telepathic bond between us all _ .”

_ “So… why this spell for all of us, Caleb?” _ Veth asks Caleb through thought.

Caleb looks at all of them, before replying.  _ “We’re a family. Therefore, I wanted to show you all that we are linked. And dependent on each other. Of course, it only lasts an hour per casting, but… we could make use of this in battle, especially where we are going.” _

The Mighty Nein share looks with each other. Clara suddenly speaks up. “Um… why are you just looking at each other? You’re just… sharing thoughts?”

Caleb notices what she is referring to before dropping the spell. The sensation goes away as quickly as it settled in, as he addresses Clara. “A telepathic bond between us all. I thought I’d give us an edge for what lies ahead.”

Clara nods hesitantly… but then her eyes go back to her daughter who is staring back with a look of anxiety and worry. “You have to go? Right now?”

Beau finds it hard to answer. She is very aware that she’s diving right back into the lion’s den. That, and she might not make it home, that none of the Mighty Nein might not make it home.

How does one say as such to one’s own parent, as if they’re about to say goodbye?

“Sistah? You have to go?”

Her eyes stop on TJ and the two siblings stare at each other. She wants to see him grow up, yet she might never get the opportunity. But if she doesn’t do what’s necessary, will he have a future at all?

Who’s to say the Cerberus Assembly will not start another war, with the Dynasty or with another nation?

“She’ll come back,” Beau hears Caleb say behind her, the wizard placing a firm, warm hand on her shoulder. “I give you my word.”

TJ walks to his sister and she crouches down to meet him. “Come home, Beau. Promise.”

She swallows hard and tries not to cry. “I promise. I’ll try.”

TJ shakes his head. “No. Don’t try. Come home.”

She nods and then briskly takes her brother, her weakness and her lifeline, in her arms. “I’ll miss you, little man. But I’ll come home. I promise.”

TJ holds her tight until she parts from him. She sniffles and then takes his hand, the one wrapped in her ribbon. “I’m always here, even when I’m not.” She then grabs the jade necklace she gave him a few months ago. “Okay?”

TJ nods with a solemn expression and Beau forces a smile. She reaches into her satchel and pulls out Henriette, who was napping and weakly complains with her mewling. She puts the cat in her brother’s arms. “Will you take care of her while I’m gone?”

He gently holds her against him, the kitten almost as big as him now that she is getting close to her adult size. “Henriette is nice. I’ll take care of her.”

Beau strokes his dark curls and then his face. “You listen to Mommy, okay?”

When she looks up, Clara has joined them. She stands up and immediately falls in her mother’s open arms. She buries her face in her neck and Clara gently strokes her hair.

“You give them hell,” Clara whispers in her ear. “And you stay safe.”

Beau closes her eyes, holding back tears once more.

Around her, she can hear sniffling and crying from Jester and Veth, embracing their own respective families. It’s then that she remembers. Everyone else is fighting, and like her they have something to lose.

But it only makes it all the more important to keep those “somethings” safe from harm.

She squeezes her mother one last time and then backs off, rubbing her eyes. She feels a hand on her arm and when she turns, she sees Yasha looking at her. The aasimar is not smiling, but she still manages to comfort her just with her presence.

Yasha looks Clara right in the eyes. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe...” A faint smile does peek out from her mouth. “I promise that I will… Mother.”

Clara nods in response, albeit also smirking. “I’m not your mother yet, Yasha. Not until your wedding.”

Yasha just nods, and then she looks back at Beau. “We’re both coming home.”

Beau returns the nod, refusing to cry. “Together.”

“It’s time.”

Caleb announces to the Mighty Nein that the circle is nearly finished, and as he draws the final line of chalk, Beau looks right at Clara and TJ and waves at them. For some, it’s a sign of goodbye… but for her, it’s a vow to meet again.

Because she never wants to say goodbye. Not now, not ever.

A flash of light later, and the Nein arrive at Zadash. Awaiting them, as planned, is Expositor Dairon at the entrance to the Rexxentrum teleportation circle chamber.

Her arms are crossed behind her and she gives her mentee a bow of the head. “Expositor Beauregard.”

Beau returns the bow. “Expositor Dairon.”

“I hope you’re well rested, because we have a lot of work to do.”

Beau gives them a cocky smirk, one that’s weirdly similar to the ones she used to wear in the face of authority. “I’ve never been more ready.”

Dairon acknowledges her response and motions to the chamber door. “Then shall we? Once we go to Rexxentrum… there’s no turning back.”

None of the Nein raise any objections. One by one, they filter into the chamber, Beau being the last in line. As she is about to step through the door, though, she feels Dairon’s hand on her arm.

“Dairon? What is it?”

“Do you remember when I told you that you would make a fine High Curator one day?”

“I sure do, even if I still don’t believe it’s true.”

Dairon nods and remains silent for a while. Beau just stares at them, trying to read her expression. She’s not sure if she’s imagining it, but while her mentor is still as stoic and calm as ever, there’s something about their eyes.

_ Is that… fear? _

Beau blinks, and it’s gone. But she can’t shake that insight of hers. Dairon is definitely afraid of something. Or perhaps of  _ someone _ . “You’re worried about me, aren’t you?”

Dairon looks down and chuckles. “I guess I’ve always been since the day I decided to become your mentor. Or rather,  _ you _ accepted  _ me _ as your mentor.”

Beau tilts her head. “I guess even I am surprised. I honestly didn’t think I’d go as far as I have. But that’s only because you gave me a chance. You listened to me.”

“You still have a long way to go,” her mentor asserts, “but you will be able to improve yourself in the years to come. You won’t need me for that.”

Beau can’t help but feel like someone punched her in the gut. “Dairon, what are you trying to say?”

The elder expositor sighs, staring Beau in the eye. “I have nothing left to teach you, Beauregard. You’ve exceeded my expectations, and even that of Yudala Fon. And… I do not mean this as mere hyperbole, but I am proud to consider you an equal.”

Dairon gives a deep bow of respect. Upon rising, her piercing stare never falters. “From this moment on, I am no longer your teacher. Today, we march into Rexxentrum as partners.”

“Nothing left to teach me?” Beau asks with a skeptical expression, one eyebrow raised.

Dairon shakes their head. “None… except for one final lesson.”

Beau doesn’t like the sound of that. It sounds too… final, too full of resignation. And yet, she dares to ask what this “final lesson” could possibly be. “And that is…?”

Dairon finally breaks eye contact, and as she walks into the chamber, they call out to Beau without looking back.

“How to say goodbye and move on.”

Those words alone leave Beau standing in place, unsure or unwilling to process what Dairon had just told her. It was stupid, and foolish. They’re all going to win, and they’re all coming home safe and sound. She and the Mighty Nein had managed to do so time and time again, defying the odds.

And yet…

“Beauregard?”

Beau looks up to see Caleb ready to use the teleportation circle. She slaps her own cheeks to maintain focus. She can’t afford to worry about what Dairon just said. She has a job to do.

They are all coming back from this. They have to. Failure is not an option.

And yet… that feeling of dread doesn’t leave. A feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time.

The feeling that, sooner or later, she will have to say goodbye once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time is the epilogue! It's been a long road, but we finally made it!


	24. See You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were standing there/Fire in your eyes/As you held me in/I said, "Sorry I didn't write"  
> We've got seven days/'Til we say goodbye/Back to separate ways/But I'll miss you more this time  
> How was I to guess/I'd still be on your mind?/Enough to bring you here/And prove I wasn't right  
> We don't need to know/The future isn't ours/When we both let go/I'll hear you in the bars  
> So won't you stay/'Til the morning?/I've been frozen since that night you sang with me  
> One more day/For you to hold me/'Cause I don't know when I'll see you again
> 
> TW: Major character deaths, suicidal thoughts... and annihilation of feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beauregard faces her future, by reflecting on her past and present. As well as what's to come and what could've been.
> 
> \-----
> 
> ADAM  
> This is it... the final chapter and epilogue. And it's one that is very different. I just wanted to thank you all who've managed to stick with this story all the way to its inevitable conclusion. Most of all, I wanted to thank Luce for her original ideas for this story, and for inviting me on as a beta reader first. We probably wouldn't have made this story as grand as it is now on our own.
> 
> LUCE  
> Wow. What a ride. It started in November and now it’s over. Roughly two months of intense but very pleasant work with Adam. I definitely didn’t think this fic would become what it is now when I started writing it, but I’m really glad I decided to include Adam. Not only did he bring his proper English and fix typos and nonsense (guys, you should have seen what I wrote sometimes…), he also provided amazing ideas. I’m really grateful that I got to write with him, and I’m really grateful for all of you who followed this story until the end. Thank you.
> 
> ADAM  
> In that case, we need to think about what kind of story to collaborate on next in the future. But for now, we are in desperate need of a long rest XD. So I hope this finale is to your liking. And as always, please leave some comments and feedback.

##  **One Year Later, 837 P.D.**

The skies above Rexxentrum are vast, the setting sun bathing the cityscape in hues of orange, bringing with it the promise of autumn and soon after the harsh winter that those of the Dwendalian Empire are quite used to. The stores in the various wards light up their lanterns to greet any evening customers to their doors. The towers that make up the Candles loom tall against the dusky sky, a reminder of what came before as well as a warning sign for years to come.

A warning sign for those eager to seek power to avoid getting burned.

The school bells on the grounds of the Soltryce Academy ring out, signaling the end of classes for the day. Men and women and all manner of humanoids across all walks of life filter out through the halls and onto the courtyard, eager to return to their dorms. Some of them no doubt are seeking to study, others seeking more risque activities. But regardless of their intentions, it’s looking like another peaceful evening in the capital.

**“Another peaceful evening”.**

A year ago, that would’ve seemed like an impossible dream, with those in power so deep in their corruption that they were influencing the King himself to the point where he was a figurehead by comparison. And yet, those heads of state within the Cerberus Assembly were removed from power. And thankfully, what remained after they were cut out was able to be salvaged.

As for those responsible for such a reformation, those who were Empire-born were given several honors and rewards. What a difference a year makes.

It’s just past seven in the evening, and Imperial History class has just concluded its final period for the day. In the classroom proper, students are chatting and giggling after one dared to pose a certain question. The history teacher in particular is not even angry by what was just said, nor even upset. She crosses her arms on her chest and raises her eyebrows.

“So Master Widogast told you that _I_ was stubborn? That’s rich! I think he, himself, has a lot to teach about stubbornness. Did he tell you about that time in Eiselcross, when he repeatedly tried to get a gem from a stone pillar, even risked his own life and the lives of his companions, and didn’t even get it in the end?”

The chuckles intensify and she overhears a student saying to another that they need to bring it up during the archmage’s next class.

_Mission accomplished. They’re going to talk about it for the next week._

At that, the bells ring once more.

“Alright, class dismissed. Enjoy your weekend, but don’t forget about your assigned homework. There are things about our home that may yet surprise you, so be prepared.”

The students bow out of respect as they file out of the classroom single-file.

Beauregard lets out a sigh of relief, adjusting her reading glasses. She managed to make it through yet another high-energy day of lessons and lore, and to their credit, her students actually proved to be adept listeners. The fact that she’s a high-ranking member of the Cobalt Soul could also be a factor.

As Beau shuffles her stacks of parchment and books and places them in her satchel, ready to head home for the evening, she hears a knock at the door frame.

“Still settling in well… Professor Lionett?” Caleb Widogast, as she lives and breathes. Or rather, _Archmage_ Caleb Widogast of the new Cerberus Assembly. His hair may be shorter now, quite possibly the same it was in his youth, but there’s no mistaking those blue eyes and forearm scars of his.

Beau just shrugs. “I’m managing. They can be quite a handful. But I like these kids. They listen well, and if anyone starts getting a little problematic, a little cracking of the knuckles seems to be all it takes to get them to pay attention.”

She walks over to the window looking out over the academy grounds. “Who would’ve thought I’d even be here? I just thought that only mages could learn or teach here.”

“Technically, you can also use a little magic,” Caleb points out, “and even if you still lacked that… your brilliant mind is still needed for the new generation.”

“That tracks,” Beau says absentmindedly.

“You don’t seem happy, though, Beauregard. Responsibilities in Zadash getting to be a bit much?”

Beau’s face darkens, and Caleb realizes that he had overstepped. After all, he knows full well why his sister has so many responsibilities to deal with now… as High Curator of the Valley Archive.

“I honestly wish I didn’t have to deal with them on top of being a teacher here.” Beau looks over to Caleb. “I mean, I do like teaching here. Never thought I’d even be a teacher to begin with.”

Caleb walks over to join Beau at the window. “ _Ja._ I remember the circumstances. Hard to believe it’s been a year since then.”

“Heard from the others lately?”

“Just this morning. Jester sent me a message to tell me she had found quite a few books for me lately, and we needed to meet so that she could give them to me.”

“I guess you’ve finished those she gave you last month?” She gives a cheeky grin. “Even the smut she had added in the margins?”

Caleb sighs. “Yes. Even the smut. I have to say, she has surprisingly good taste.”

“She does. You should lend me these books.”

“Sure. Or you can read them next time we go to the Nein-Sided Tower.”

“We never go there anymore.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Kinda.”

“Well, you never ask.”

Beau rolls her eyes. “Alright, next time I want to read smut I’ll ask you to summon the tower.”

Caleb has a look on his face. “We should… wait on that. At least until we have a family reunion. Wouldn’t feel the same without them.”

Beau just nods slightly, a little nostalgic at the thought of seeing everyone again at some point, as it’s been so long since the last time it happened. “Do you think Veth and Yeza will be able to come next time? I know they got a new apothecary up and running in Nicodranas, but they’re not as busy as they used to be when they started it, right?”

“I think they’ll find some time for us. I’m almost more worried about Fjord, actually. Who’s to say when he will be back on the coast from his search for Vandran.”

“I bet if Jester asks him, he will say yes right away. Most times, he does come back for her.”

Caleb nods, “He does. How about Caduceus? You two still write to each other?”

“The grove is looking better with each passing day. Those are his exact words. He says it’s slow, but he’s willing to wait. And he says he’s happy to be back with his family.”

“We should visit them someday.”

“Someday, when responsibilities are not overwhelming us, you mean? That will never happen,” Beau says with a grin.

Caleb shrugs, “We’ll invite them here then. I’m honestly curious to see how a family like the Clays who lived their entire lives isolated from the world until recently would fare here.”

“It would certainly be an interesting experience, especially with the lifting of the ban on other gods. I so wanna see temples to the Wildmother so that they can encourage healthier harvests and shit.”

They both smile and then Caleb goes back to his usual stern face. “And Yasha? How does she deal with having her wife robbed from her by the Cobalt Soul _and_ the Academy now?”

Beau smiles a little, staring at the silver ring that accompanies her gold one. As they had promised, they had gotten married after their last major battle. And as they had agreed, it was a simple, private ceremony, just the Nein and their loved ones. It was such a happy day for all of them. It was also the last time they were all together as a whole, since everyone had gone their separate ways for the most part. They still got together again on occasion, but not everyone at once.

A year ago, Beau would’ve been frightened about such a scenario, thinking that she can’t afford to be without any of them. But once that was put into practice, it was actually not so bad. After all, she still had Yasha with her, and every time she came to Rexxentrum, Caleb was there. She eventually came to accept that even if they weren’t always together, they were still a family who could come together whenever they wanted.

“Seeing as we now have a home here together in the Empire, it’s not as bad,” Beau answers her brother. “Hell, she even tags along sometimes to offer a bit of Xhorhasian history, just based on our own adventures.”

“Speaking of which,” Caleb mentions, “you’ll be happy, perhaps, to know that Essek has been doing well as an emissary for the Dynasty whenever it comes to meeting with the Crown.”

He notices Beau’s expression shift minutely upon the mentioning of the Shadowhand before settling on a thin smile.

“Well… I suppose in this past year, he has learned his lesson,” Beau admits. “I won’t forget what he did, but I am able to forgive him somewhat. At the very least, he’s my friend again, though he’s still on thin ice.”

“I think that’s all we can hope for, Beauregard.” Caleb nods slightly, but then his face also darkens. “It… it is unfortunate that not everyone can be here to see us now.”

Beau’s face twists into one of remorse. “Thanks for reminding me. Honestly, I should’ve seen it coming. Even a year later, it still hurts...”

_“How to say goodbye and move on.”_

_That’s what you “taught” me. I wish I never learned it, even if it was a necessity._

_Still… you were such a fucking idiot! Why did you have to… to..._

##  **One Year Ago, 836 P.D.**

Another spell is cast, and a massive explosion blows up a wall. They take cover, but the blast is so powerful that they’re hit by various debris. Beau protects her head as best as she can, but she knows her arms will probably be covered in scratches after this.

She turns to Dairon, who is right next to her, and shouts out. “How are we supposed to keep up with that?”

“We don’t.”

Beau thought she had known terror before, in particular on the day the Kryn Dynasty attacked Zadash, but this was nothing compared to this. The battle is absolutely terrifying. The mages are not holding back. They’re not trying to neutralize or subdue their enemies. They are aiming to kill and they don’t care in the slightest about the damage they are causing to the city or even the citizens they might kill. It’s a good thing the Mighty Nein got the help of the Cobalt Soul to evacuate the area beforehand.

“What use are we, then?” Beau asks.

“We’ve done our job, took three of them out by playing them off against each other with the dirt we had on them. Did you forget that already?”

“Yeah, I know. But what use are we right _now_? There’s nothing we can do.”

Dairon is about to answer, but Beau and them both turn their heads when they hear calling out. “Hey, you!”

Five guards are coming right at Caduceus, who is interrupted in the middle of casting. Apparently, some of them are still on the side of the Assembly despite what the Mighty Nein publicly revealed right before attacking. Or maybe they just didn’t understand the stakes.

“Surrender, or you will be considered an enemy of the Empire and treated as such!”

“I-I think there’s a misunderstanding. I don’t consider myself a man of absolutes when it comes to morality, but in this instance, I truly think there are bad guys and we’re not them.”

The guards are not listening and try to close the distance. But before they can reach Caduceus, Dairon and Beau rush over and in a matter of seconds, they get rid of them.

“Well, we can do this, for instance,” Dairon says as she throws a look at her peer.

Beau grins in satisfaction and then turns around when she hears Fjord casting. He finishes his incantation and a vrock appears in the air and immediately attacks the enemy.

A quick look around and Beau sees that her friends are all still standing. Now, she knows what she can bring to the table. Sure, there’s not much she can do with the few ridiculous spells she knows, but at least she can protect the casters from the guards stupid enough to still stand with the Assembly.

The fight keeps going and she and Dairon make sure to keep everybody safe while they focus on the mages. Yasha gives them a hand and every time there is a crack in the mages’ defense, the two Expositors and the barbarian take advantage of it to land a few strikes, while Veth sneaks around and shoots bolts that either trigger a mage to use a _Shield_ spell, or break their concentration entirely. Caleb’s _Telepathic Bond_ definitely helps with their coordination.

The Mighty Nein are slowly gaining ground, taking down mages one by one. They telepathically celebrate, especially when Caleb subdues Ikithon with a direct _Feeblemind_ spell. The cheering doesn’t last long however as while the Nein celebrate, another mage emerges from the shadows despite supposedly being slain earlier in the fight.

Almost no one notices… except one who quickly realizes whom the mage is targeting while her back is turned. And in a split second, Dairon evaluates Beauregard’s chances.

That’s what Expositors do best. Evaluate. And she knows damn well that she is not making it out alive if the spell hits her. Dairon doesn’t even think twice about their decision; when it comes to her own life and the life of a student that quickly became their equal and, if the fates had permitted, like a sister, there is no contest.

They don't bother calling her name out and just sprints forward. And for the briefest of moments, the Expositors’ eyes meet as Beauregard gets her attention… and a single word leaves the elf’s lips.

“Goodbye.”

Beau would put her arms in front of her, even instinctively, but she is petrified as she finally notices the extended arm of Martinet Ludinus Da’leth, a lodestone in the other, and a very familiar sickly green ray fast approaching her.

A familiar spell she’d seen Caleb use time and time again. And she already knows she’s fucked.

...Or she would be.

To this day, if she ever asked Caduceus, he would curse himself for not giving them a _Death Ward_ , or anything to stave off this cruel moment of mortality. Saving his spells for something else… and wondering if it was worth it.

Beau sees the scene playing in slow motion. It must be true, what people say, that in the worst moments, everything moves much slower than it should. Or that one’s life flashes before their eyes before they die.

In the case of Beauregard Lionett, however, the latter is more true… only it’s not her that meets her end, but the one who gave her a second chance at life as the ray hits them square in the torso in a literal flash.

Beau wishes she could close her eyes. This one time, she doesn’t want to be brave. She doesn’t want to watch. She doesn’t want to know… want to know…

“How to say goodbye and move on” is what leaves her lips silently as she stares with some sort of morbid fascination, utterly helpless.

And in the time it takes for those thoughts to become crystal clear… Dairon turns to Beau and gives a soft, gentle smile, an expression one would not normally see on their face, as all that she is crumbles to ash.

Beau keeps staring at… nothing. And suddenly, the most absurd thought crosses her mind staring at the pile of dust that used to be Expositor Dairon.

_There’s nothing left to bury._

It is only later that she will realize this as all that is left is merely her moving, faster than even she once thought she could, managing to close the distance on the Martinet before he could even react… and as if she were trained for it her whole life, a single grapple is what settles it, followed by a sickening **_crunch_ **.

That one sound is what finally gets the Nein’s attention, those that remained on the Assembly’s side utterly stunned or quick to surrender. Nothing else is heard… except the shrill, skyward scream that echoes throughout the halls, and the body of Ludinus Da’leth plummeting to the ground, his head and neck twisted and inverted 180 degrees.

The Martinet, the founder of the Cerberus Assembly… killed by her own hands.

The rest of the Mighty Nein are ready to go after the remaining mages, even as they have surrendered already, and she would as well if it weren’t for Yasha holding her close without any resistance, trying to soothe her with words in Celestial. And yet, Beau doesn’t respond to the words. Rather, she clings to her love, sobbing and whimpering at the act she had just committed.

She had taken lives before… but not like this.

Like Caleb before her, she knows now… what it means to break.

##  **One Year Later, 837 P.D.**

“Beauregard?”

Beau opens her eyes in a cold sweat, realizing she had been sitting against the wall next to the school window, Caleb shaking her back to her senses.

He gives her a worried look. “Are you okay? You were gone for a moment.”

She doesn’t answer his question and looks at him with a truly haunted expression. “I think something broke inside of me that day, when she died.”

Caleb grabs her shoulder and squeezes it tightly. “The old Assembly’s cruelty broke a lot of people. But we put a stop to this, _ja_?” She nods back. “Also... you’re still alive. And the Soul reveres you and what Dairon had done. Is that not why they appointed you as High Curator in Zadash?”

Beau just laughs weakly. “It’s not like I wanted this. I would’ve been just fine being… out there. I mentioned as such, remember?”

He nods and she sniffles. “Dammit, Dairon… Leaving me alone wasn’t enough, you had to put me in that fucking position.”

“It shows they knew how capable you are.”

“I guess so. Doesn’t make it easier though.”

“I know. But maybe time will.”

Beau nods and Caleb keeps his hand on her shoulder and motions toward the door. “Come on. School day is over, let’s go.”

They exit the classroom and then the building, and walk in silence until they reach the limits of the Academy. When they’re here, Caleb stops and looks her in the eye.

“Do you recall… when you were handed a letter from the Soul, the week after what transpired?”

Beau nods, still not saying anything. Caleb ushers her to sit on a nearby bench. She sits without resistance.

“You had locked yourself away from everyone… even Yasha. We… We grew worried.”

 _How could I forget, much as I want to?_ Beau thinks to herself.

To this day, she considers that act one of cowardice.

She drove everyone she cared for away to wallow in her grief and despair. Not unlike what she had planned to do all that time ago, when she thought of her deal with Isharnai. A true moment of weakness, and yet she didn’t care.

Losing Dairon, the one person who managed to convince her that she was meant for greater things and who gave her a chance to turn her life around while she was at her worst, the mentor she confided in when she was cursed, the Expositor she yearned to emulate… It was too much to bear.

To this day, she hates herself for shunning everyone away.

The letter she had been handed, though… It was enough to pull her back into the light. Seeing her mentor’s final words, thoughts, and prayers put to parchment, in the firm and familiar scrawl that Beau would recognize in a heartbeat… it was enough to get her to literally start opening up again.

_Guess that’s yet another debt I owe you, Dairon._

“I was a fucking idiot, wasn’t I?” Beau says, her laughing devoid of humor. “I couldn’t even comprehend that I was using my grief as an excuse to push you all away. I was… just repeating everything wrong I had done to ‘keep myself safe’. I thought I was past all of that shit.”

“As we know,” Caleb points out, “it never truly goes away. But we live with that pain forever.”

Beau nods. Caleb keeps talking. “And Fjord was right, you know. I know it doesn’t look like it right now, but it gets easier. Even if a year has passed, it’s still very fresh. But it gets easier.”

“Yeah, I know,” Beau replies, giving Caleb the weakest of smiles. But it’s still better than repressing it. “You guys helped me get through the worst of it. I’m still unsure how I’m going to honor their memory, though, if I keep comparing myself to her.”

“I cannot answer that for you, Beauregard.”

Beau just nods. “Right. Stupid question. Just thought I’d ask anyway.”

She looks at Caleb. “You’re a good man. I know it took you a long time to finally accept that, just as how it took me a long time to accept that I’m loved.”

Caleb doesn’t respond. He just places his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a side hug. “Just a couple of kids from the Empire, right?”

Beau hums her affirmation. “A couple of kids who made a difference.”

Caleb pulls out his pocket watch, even though he already knows the time by heart. It had been a habit of his, both getting a pocket watch and checking the time. If anything, it reminded him of the goal he willingly cast away. The goal of turning back time to reverse the fate of his parents’ demise.

Once upon a time, Beau would’ve been tempted to ask him if he still yearned to do so, if only to reverse fate herself. She would’ve done anything to bring Dairon back. Even though she knew of such spells that could resurrect without the need for a body… Beau knew better. She knew that Dairon’s mind had been made up.

And besides, the soul must be willing in order to come back. Dairon was already certain they weren’t coming back, therefore the soul would not be willing.

Caleb stands up, taking Beau’s hand as he helps her stand. With just a few gestures, he holds her tight and then, in a flash, the pair are teleported right in front of the house that she and Yasha had purchased and moved into together. A few blocks away from the Archive.

At first, Beau thinks this is the end of their conversation, but Caleb doesn’t let go of her hand.

“You already know you’re not alone in facing this, right?” Caleb reminds her. “You have me, you have Yasha. You have Clara and TJ, the Brenattos in Nicodranas. You have Fjord and Jester wherever they be out at sea or at the coast. You have Caduceus at the grove.”

Beau nods, wiping some tears from her eyes. “I know. But I do appreciate the reminders. Especially since I’m so stubborn.”

Caleb just chuckles at that, and pulls her in for an embrace. At the base of her feet, she feels a familiar form nuzzling her legs. She always knows who it is.

“Yes, yes, and I have you too as well, Frumpkin.”

The fey cat meows as he continues to nuzzle.

The found siblings break their embrace, and Caleb places a kiss on her forehead. “You know where to find me, _ja_?”

“Yeah. I do.”

Caleb nods at his sister, and then picks up Frumpkin as he backs away. “Take care, Beauregard.” A few more gestures, and master and familiar are gone in the blink of an eye.

Beau wipes away a few more tears before pulling herself together, staring at the front door of her house a few feet away. She knows Caleb is right. She’s not alone.

She won’t be alone, ever again. And she knows that to be true as she reaches for the door handle.

##  **One Year Ago, 836 P.D.**

It’s been several days since the battle in Rexxentrum. The former Cerberus Assembly has been officially dissolved and a new, purer one will be created. Caleb was asked to be part of it, which he humbly accepted. But as much as he wants to rejoice at the promise of a brighter future, now that corrupted mages have been taken down, he can’t.

Because his partner is not there by his side to bask in the celebration.

Beauregard hasn’t left her quarters in days. Right after the battle, Caleb decided to leave to her the pleasure of putting the anti-magic collar around Trent’s neck. He could tell it gave her a lot of satisfaction, but it was brief and sorrow was quick to wipe it away. They spent the night in Rexxentrum to attend to their wounds and rest. The next day, when the Mighty Nein woke up, Beau was gone, leaving just a note behind her:

**_“I will be in Zadash. I need to be alone.”_ **

When they asked about her at the Archive, they were told she had asked to not be disturbed and Zeenoth hadn’t been able to talk to her at all. It’s been almost a week and the situation is starting to look a lot like the one they had to face a few months ago, when Beau went missing. That time too, it was because of the Assembly.

Dairon’s funeral is happening today on Barren Eve, as per the custom on the second day of Duscar. Jester sent Beau a message to ask her if she would be there, but she got no answer.

Caleb is preoccupied and deep in his thoughts when he enters the halls of the Vergesson Sanatorium alone, the others remaining in Zadash in the interim. He is greeted by one of the few good eggs left from the old Assembly, Oremid Hass. Caleb knows Hass can be trusted, if only because his annex happened to be Pumat Sol. And if Pumat Sol can vouch for his integrity, especially in Caleb’s eyes, then that had to count for something.

That, and his weakness for animals. But this is precisely why he does not summon Frumpkin to come with him.

“Mr. Widogast.” The genasi gives a bow of respect to the former Volstrucker candidate. Caleb returns the bow. “Your timing is impeccable. I was tending to the sanatorium’s horticultural needs.”

“I suppose that’s one way to adhere to your status as Archmage of Cultivation, Headmaster,” Caleb replies. “That as well as cultivating the capabilities of the academy’s students. Regardless… I came to see a certain someone.”

Hass pauses and comes to understand the intent behind Caleb’s words as he nods. “Right this way.” The two go straight to where the cells are, specifically to one particular cell. Along the way, though, the headmaster of the Halls of Erudition had something on his mind.

“I hope I am not imposing, Mr. Widogast--”

“Caleb, please,” he corrects.

“Caleb, then. Hmm… how should I say this? How is… Expositor Lionett faring? I’m sorry for the loss she suffered at the hands of my _former_ colleague.”

For all of his usual stoicism, Caleb doesn’t miss the thinly-veiled tone of frustration coming from the headmaster’s voice. It was clear to him that, in light of recent events, Hass truly regretted having to serve in the old Assembly alongside the Martinet. He had been there on the day in question.

In fact, Caleb does owe him a debt; he had actually turned his back on Ikithon at a critical point, leaving himself vulnerable. Trent had been prepared to silence his former pupil forever… if not for Hass unleashing a _Counterspell_ on his former ally, leaving the Archmage of Civil Influence wide open for Caleb to do as he had done to him all those years ago.

Even archmages are capable of seeing the light.

“I haven’t seen her much since the battle.”

Hass nods with a compassionate expression. “I had spoken with Archivist Zeenoth recently. Even he is distraught, over the death of Expositor Dairon and Miss Lionett’s reclusiveness. And I have to agree. Even when we had spoken months ago in my office, discussing the war and its usage as a smokescreen for the Angel of Irons cult, I could see a brilliance in her eyes. It is… truly unfortunate that that brilliance has dimmed.”

He looks at Caleb directly. “And I know that she means much to you, Caleb. The bond that the two of you share. In a way, it’s rather poetic. Cobalt Soul and Cerberus Assembly, working together instead of keeping each other in check. If she ever manages to heal from this, I hope you continue to support each other.” He pauses. “That last part was something Pumat Sol wanted me to tell you.”

Caleb thinks he should say something, but what could he possibly say? He doesn’t want to pretend things will be okay, he has no idea. Instead, he settles for a simple “ _Danke._ ”

Within minutes, the two archmages arrive at the cell they sought. They stop at the door and Caleb steps forward to look through the small barred window.

Inside, Trent is lying on his bed, perfectly still, staring at the ceiling. There is not much he can do other than this, as he is still under the influence of the _Feeblemind_ spell Caleb cast on him during the fight.

A _Feeblemind_ that, had Hass not intervened, would not have resolved Caleb’s feud with his former teacher.

“ _Jetzt kennst du meinen verdammten Schmerz, du Hurensohn. Das war für Beauregard, meine Schwester_ ,” Caleb mutters in Zemnian.

No reaction on Trent’s side. Would he react, even if he was able to? Caleb is not sure, nor does he really care. It feels good to get it out there, anyway.

“I just wanted to let you know that a new Assembly will rise from the ashes of the former organization. A better one. And I am glad I never took the position you offered me. The one I will get instead will be what I’ve worked toward since my youngest years and what I’ve fought for lately. Not the addled seat you wanted to bequeath to me.”

Still no reaction, obviously.

“I will make sure this new institution doesn’t go back to your old ways. And you… you will rot here for the rest of your days, as you deserve. Some wanted to kill you, to get revenge, or simply to make sure you would never cause any trouble again. But do you know who convinced me that revenge would be empty?”

He leans into the barred window.

“The very same girl you cursed and silenced. Compared to a lion like her, you’re just a toothless _mutt_. And I know that she herself had to fight not to resort to revenge, but she is one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Something you would and will never be.”

He glares at Trent, even though the mage probably doesn’t perceive it.

“Death would be merciful. You don’t deserve it.”

He is about to turn away, but he briefly pauses.

“This new collar of yours looks good. I hope you like it. Goodbye, Trent.”

With that, he leaves and Hass follows in his steps. They talk a bit more about what will come next and what are the next steps for the new rising Assembly, and then Caleb leaves. He has to hurry, or he will be late.

The Nein agreed to visit Beau before going to Dairon’s funeral. She probably won’t come, and they won’t drag her to the ceremony if she doesn’t want to be there, but it’s worth trying.

* * *

Feelings suck. Especially grief or mourning. And the last thing Beau wants now… is to feel.

So she drinks right from her bottle of liquor, the only real companion she’s had for some time. She doesn’t have any kind of reaction. Not a wince, not a flinch, nothing.

She is slumped over her bed, in her quarters. She has been trying to get drunk for days, and while she can’t, at least the sensation of strong alcohol burning her throat makes her feel something. Not alive, like pain usually does, but at least something.

Now she knows what Yasha had meant. And she was right. Suffering over nothing tangible, being mentally in pain with no physical manifestation of that pain, is one of the worst things Beau has ever experienced. And yet, gods know she has been through a lot of shitty emotional states before.

She didn’t resort to self-harm, but the self-destructive behavior is definitely here. At least, that’s what people would say of someone who hasn’t eaten a proper meal in days, hasn’t showered, and has drunk just enough water to stay alive. But Beau is not really in a state where she can assess if this should be considered self-destructive or not, nor that she cares.

She wishes she could numb the pain, but nothing seems to work. She is exhausted, but she can’t sleep. Even when she falls asleep from exhaustion, the images of the last moments of Dairon come flashing back and she is woken up in a jolt.

How the hell did this happen? One moment, Dairon was here, the next, they had disappeared. Gone. Wiped out of existence, completely. It’s ridiculous. It makes no sense. What makes even less sense is how in the world she didn’t understand what Dairon was saying when she talked to her back in Zadash, right before leaving for Rexxentrum.

Everything was right in front of her, Dairon basically laid it all before her. Beau had been able to figure out the connection between a damn archmage and a fucking cult, but she wasn’t able to read through the barely disguised words of her own mentor.

But then again, when Jester shared with them what she had seen through her _Scry_ in Balenpost, Beau wasn’t able to put two and two together and understand what had just occurred. Is she even worthy to be called an Expositor anymore?

Maybe she was buried so deep in her fear of losing those dear to her that she would have rather ignored the blatant truth that was rubbed in her face instead of acknowledging that Dairon was saying goodbye.

Maybe that’s how obscured her judgement was at that moment. Still, no matter the reasons why, it doesn’t change the fact that all the signs were here, and she just wasn’t able to read them.

If she had understood what Dairon was saying, maybe things would have been different. She would have known to be careful, to watch out. She would have made sure she didn’t endanger herself so that her former mentor didn’t come to her rescue and sacrifice herself for her like an idiot. Or best, she would have made sure Dairon couldn’t reach her in time.

What use is she to the Cobalt Soul, or even to anyone, in comparison to Dairon?

They should have lived, not her. They had so much more to bring to the world than her.

Beau sits up on the edge of her bed and takes another big swig of booze. She knows she is crying because she sniffles and because that’s what she’s been doing almost non-stop for the past few days, but she can’t even feel the tears rolling down her face.

Will this pain ever stop? Will it ever stop if she doesn’t put an end to it herself?

Her eyes drift over to the pile that her equipment and weapons form on the floor and that she barely remembers getting rid of when she arrived a few days ago. Her gaze pauses on Rebuttal and the unstoppable train of her thoughts instantly stops for the first time in what feels like eons.

She doesn’t know for how long she’s been staring at the pistol. Maybe seconds, but it might as well have been hours. She has no idea. But she suddenly looks up when she hears a knock on the door and a familiar voice.

“Beau?”

Usually, she finds Fjord’s voice calming and soothing, like the sight of the ocean. But right now, it feels like the grinding of nails on a blackboard to her ears.

“I don’t know if you can hear me. Can… Can you at least give us a sign, anything to let us know that you’re still alive?”

She is tempted to not say nor do anything, but it would be cruel, and as desperate as she is, she doesn’t want to be cruel to them.

So she does what she will realize later is one of the stupidest and most reckless things she has ever done in her entire life: she grabs the first object that comes to her mind, the one she was focusing on just a few seconds ago, and throws it at the door.

Luckily, it doesn’t fire, but it very much could have.

“Okay…” Fjord mumbles, seemingly taken aback by this unsettling sign.

He asked for one, she gave him one. But even through her despair, she realizes that if her friends knew what she had just thrown, they would yell at her.

That’s how stupid and reckless Beauregard Lionett is when she is desperate. She’s demonstrated it before and she is demonstrating it again now.

“You didn’t answer Jester’s message earlier, we were worried.”

She drinks again and doesn’t say anything.

“We’re going to the funeral right now. Will… Will you come with us?”

She remains silent and her gaze drifts into the distance. A moment passes and then Fjord sighs so deeply that she can hear it through the door.

“Zeenoth gave us something for you. Here.”

Beau hears a soft whoosh and turns her head. Something just slid under the door, probably a letter, from what she is able to see from her bed.

She stays still.

“Maybe it will convince you to come, or at least to get out of your isolation.”

She hesitates, but she eventually puts the bottle down on the ground and stands up. She can’t explain why, but the pathetic attempt of her friends at getting her out of her quarters is suddenly getting on her nerves. Zeenoth probably wrote a sappy letter, or maybe the Nein did but don’t want to say it’s from them. Whatever it is, she doesn’t want to read it.

As she gets to the door and bends down to grab the letter, intent on tearing it to pieces, she freezes. Her name is written on the envelope and she instantly recognizes the handwriting.

She hears Fjord's voice again. “It’s from Dairon.”

There is a short pause, and Beau grabs the letter. She doesn’t open it right away, just holding it with trembling hands.

“Zeenoth said that if you weren’t coming out, then at least you should read that.”

Fjord pauses and sighs again. “I know it’s not exactly the same, because Vandran is probably out there, still alive, but I know what it feels like to lose a mentor, someone you looked up to… A friend. I’m sorry you’re getting through this.”

Beau waits anxiously, still not opening the letter, and he keeps speaking. “I don’t think I can offer you comfort, because I know in those moments, we feel like no one can reach us through our pain, our anger, and all the terrible things we’re feeling. But at least, I can relate. I know what it’s like.“

He pauses longer this time. “It never goes away, but with time, and friends surrounding you, it does get easier to deal with. We’re here. We’re all here. Try to hold on to that. Maybe it will keep you here with us.”

Beau is no longer crying, she stopped as soon as she heard Fjord’s voice. She is perfectly silent and she swears she can hear her friends whispering on the other side of the door, although she can’t make out what they’re saying.

After a moment, Fjord speaks again. “We’re leaving now. We’ll see you later, maybe?”

She doesn’t answer.

“Don’t forget we love you, Beau.”

She hears shuffling and then footsteps going away. She is about to open the letter, at last, but she freezes again when she hears a scratching against the door and then another voice.

“I just wanted you to know I miss you.” There’s a brief pause. “Take all the time you need. We will all be here when you decide to reach out to us. I’ll be here. And I’ll catch you, like we’ve caught each other before.”

Another pause, longer this time, and a shaky breathing. “I love you.”

Beau remains silent as she hears Yasha walking away. When she is certain she can’t hear any more movement or breathing outside, she walks to her desk, corks the bottle, and opens the letter. In the dark room, she illuminates the letter itself through her magic and starts to read Dairon’s final letter.

She thought she was done crying. She was wrong.

##  **One Year Later, 837 P.D.**

Beau barely has time to close the door and hang her coat on the rack before Henriette comes running at her, Harey following right behind her. She crouches down and takes Henriette in her arms, and Harey hops on her lap. She chuckles and pets them both.

A moment later, Yasha’s head pops out from the kitchen. “They’re really good alarms to warn me when you return.”

Beau shrugs at her wife. “I just have one of those faces.”

Yasha’s brow furrows a little. “I don’t think it’s your face that caught their attention.”

“That’s… a joke, right?”

Yasha doesn’t answer and ducks her head back, but not quick enough for Beau to miss her flush of embarrassment. The aasimar clears her throat. “Welcome home. Students a handful as always?”

Beau puts both Henriette and Harey down, just for them to follow her when she goes to the kitchen. Yasha has her back turned on her as she is cutting something. Beau comes wrapping her arms around Yasha’s waist, and as she peeks from behind her, she opens wide eyes. “Vegetables? What happened to your barbarian diet?”

“A pink-haired firbolg taught me how to cook because _someone_ was complaining that I couldn’t, is what happened.”

“Well, he had a point. It’s just us now, most of the time.”

“Yeah, and since I seem to have become a housewife…”

Before Beau can worry about whether Yasha is serious or not, her wife puts the knife down and turns without leaving her embrace. She gives her an amused smile. “Now, it’s a joke.”

Beau relaxes and smiles back. Yasha puts a strand of hair behind her ear. “Well? You didn’t answer my question.”

“And you didn’t give me a kiss.”

“Sorry, sweetheart.” Yasha pecks her on the lips. “Sometimes I forget you’re so small you can’t reach me if I don’t bend.”

Beau pouts. “That was petty.”

Before Yasha can say anything, Beau grabs the back of her neck and gets on her tiptoes to reach her mouth and kisses her more frankly.

“Well, to answer your question… they were a handful today, and always will be. But at least they listen.”

Beau snatches a piece of carrot. Yasha tries to tap her hand but fails and Beau chuckles as she hops on the counter next to her and bites on the vegetable.

Yasha shakes her head at her with a thin smile and goes back to cutting vegetables. “Did you see Caleb? How is he?”

“He’s all right. He walked me back here.”

“You should have invited him in. I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“I tried, but you know how he is,” she says as she is swinging her legs. “‘Master Widogast’ is always busy.”

Yasha puts down the knife on the cutting board. “And you’re not? Tell me you’re not overworking yourself again. Remember what happened the last time? You were conked out in the archive, some of your journals dangerously close to a candelabra. Probably would have burned yourself and the books if I didn’t wake you up.”

Beau rubs the back of her head. “Yeah. Definitely not one of my finest moments.”

“Obviously not, ‘High Curator’.”

Beau grins. “I love when you call me that.”

“If I didn’t know you, I’d say you’re power-thirsty.”

“Thirsty? Oh yeah, I most definitely am,” she says with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Yasha chuckles. “Stop it.”

“You started it.”

Yasha chuckles some more and then gets back to a stern expression. “Seriously, though. I don’t want you to push yourself to the point of burnout.”

She takes Beau’s glasses off and puts them down on the counter, then gently strokes her cheek. The monk is barely as tall as her now that she is sitting on the counter. She runs her fingers through Yasha’s hair.

While Beau kept her hair pretty short, Yasha’s is getting longer, past the shoulders now. She says she likes it like that. The one braid from a year ago is unchanged. If anything, it’s grown even longer than her present hair.

“Okay. Thanks for the reminder, Yash. And thanks for the laugh. I needed it,” Beau says, still smiling but something is off in Yasha’s eyes. Then she remembers.

“I’m glad I can provide that, today of all days,” Yasha replies, still gently stroking her cheek, which Beau leans into. The last thing she ever wants to see is her wife looking as broken as she was one year ago, let alone two years ago outside of Kamordah.

Beau feels nostalgic, and has been since she woke up this morning. But she is also a bit sad as well, if she’s being honest, but she forces a smile. “You’re an angel. You know that, right? Don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Exact same place. You don’t need me.”

“I do. And yeah, I’d be here, in this exact same place… only without a voice. I would even be dead if you weren’t with me.”

Yasha remains silent. She never takes credit, probably genuinely doesn’t even realize how important she is for some people. That’s something Beau hopes she will be able to make her see one day, just like Yasha was one of the people who helped her see her own worth.

“I talked about Dairon with Caleb a bit… Well, more like spaced out when we mentioned her, actually.”

Yasha’s face immediately turns into one of worry. “Are you okay?” She looks down at Beau’s neck and sees no scratching marks. “Did you heal them so that I don’t see?”

Yasha knows this is something Beau has done before, but she found out recently and they had a serious talk about it, where Beau promised not to do it again.

Beau shakes her head. “Don’t you think I wouldn’t tell you I spaced out if I had hurt myself and I didn’t want you to know?”

Yasha is slightly taken aback as she realizes it would indeed be stupid. “Ye-Yeah. Right.”

Beau takes Yasha’s hand and rubs circles on its back to try and soothe her, and maybe herself too. “I can’t say I’m okay, to be honest. It’s only been a year, it’s still fresh, I guess.”

She takes a deep breath. “I’m not to the point where I can focus on the positive things and leave the shitty stuff to the side when I think about it.”

“It takes time to get there. I know it.”

Beau sighs and looks Yasha in the eye. “Yeah. But, you know… What I’m about to say will probably sound really shitty, but I’m an asshole after all.”

Yasha gives her a sad smile and listens as she keeps going. “Even if I’d prefer if you guys hadn’t suffered all these losses, if I’m completely honest, I’m glad to have people like you, or Fjord, or even Caleb, to help me get through this and remind me it’s all gonna be okay in the end. I just need to give it time.”

Yasha nods. “Yeah. And love.”

Beau smiles sadly. “And love.”

She lets go of Yasha’s hand to wrap her arms around her neck and kiss her. The aasimar responds and deepens the kiss.

When they part, Yasha looks Beau in the eye. “Hey… Speaking of loss, and Fjord, and Caleb... and the Mighty Nein, actually...”

“I’m not sure I like where this is going, but yeah?”

Yasha seems a bit hesitant as she asks, Beau tilting her head to the side with an intrigued look. “Do you think the Nein would be willing to reunite, all together, for one last adventure?”

##  **One Year Ago, 836 P.D.**

The Mighty Nein arrives a few minutes before the service begins.

They see Yudala Fon, who came straight from Rexxentrum to officiate the funeral themselves. They quickly spot Clara, though TJ is thankfully back in Nicodranas under Yeza and Luc’s care.

They go join her without hesitation and as soon as she sees them, she gives each one of them a hug. They don’t question it and wholeheartedly welcome this affection. They know she probably needs to give it as much as they need to receive it right now.

Once the greetings are over, Clara looks around. “She didn’t come?”

They awkwardly stare at each other, not sure what they should say, until Fjord speaks up. “We stopped by her quarters before coming here, but… Clearly we weren’t convincing enough.”

Clara sadly nods. “How are you all doing?”

“Recovering from the recent battle.”

“Yes, I thought you would. Um… I don’t know if I should ask, but… I only got Jester’s message when the fight was over, no other news after this. How… How is Beauregard?”

The one question they were all dreading.

They all remain silent, except Jester. “We… I don't know. We haven’t seen her since that day and she didn’t speak to us earlier.”

Clara quickly picks on Yasha’s very visible distress. She seems even more desperate than the others. “Not even to you?”

Yasha shakes her head and looks down. Clara steps forward and wraps her in a hug that the aasimar eagerly gives back. Clara then parts from her and takes her two hands as she looks at her. “Are you holding on?”

“I’m scared. She…” her voice cracks and she needs a pause before she can speak again. “Clara, on the night after the fight… after Dairon died… She looked just so… hollow. I had never seen her like that, not even when she couldn’t speak. That’s not something she can punch her way out of, and I know how she feels in those moments. I’m…”

Despite all her efforts, her eyes get teary as she whispers. “I’m so scared for her.”

Clara takes her in her arms again, and that’s all it takes for the two women to burst out crying.

After a moment, when Clara calms down enough to be able to speak, she clears her throat. “Maybe after the ceremony, we can go visit her.”

“She doesn’t want to see anyone,” Yasha says through her sobs.

“I’d like to try.”

Yasha startles when she feels a hand on her arm. She turns to see Caleb looking at her. “We should accompany Clara. We couldn’t reach her, but maybe she will talk to her mother. It’s worth trying.”

Yasha sniffles and nods.

Yudala Fon steps onto a platform that was settled in the hall for the funeral. This is all it takes for everybody present to hush and take a seat. The Mighty Nein and Clara all sit down on the same row.

Once the din of people sitting down and shifting has passed, Yudala Fon starts speaking.

“Today, we gather to honor the memory of Expositor Dairon, who fell honorably in battle, fighting for truth and justice, as they had sworn to do.”

They pause and look over the crowd. “They served the Cobalt Soul and the Knowing Mistress well until the very end. She was one of our most esteemed members and she will be missed.”

Yudala Fon continues their eulogy and everybody respectfully listens and watches as the proceedings progress. Dairon receives all the honors of the Cobalt Soul and the Dwendalian Empire. Some cry, some manage to keep a stern face.

But the absence of one person is painfully noticeable, even more so as Zeenoth throws long looks at the Mighty Nein several times. When Yudala Fon is done, they leave the podium and Zeenoth takes their place. He says a few words, but it doesn’t last long and soon, Yudala replaces him.

“Would anyone else like to say something?”

Silence falls around. Everybody keeps staring at the High Curator, but the Mighty Nein exchange awkward looks. Dairon had never mentioned any family, any relatives, any significant other. Not to them, not even to Beau. They had assumed she had no one, although she might just have been secretive, like she was for a lot of things. But apparently, the former was true.

“No one?” Yudala Fon asks again. The crowd remains silent, with only quiet sobs audible here and there. “Very well. In that case, we will move on to the-”

They stop as they suddenly hear footsteps resonate loudly in the quiet vast hall. Yudala turns in the direction they’re coming from… and sees a silhouette approaching. They immediately recognize the newcomer, as does the Mighty Nein and Clara.

Beauregard is a little bit of a mess, with her very clearly tired face and the dark circles under her eyes, but she was able to pull herself together quite decently. Who would have thought, seeing her right now, that not even an hour before, she was sipping liquor from a bottle?

Her lion mane of hair is impeccably brushed, moving a little with each step. She is wearing her Expositor garb and the Cobalt Soul pin Dairon gave her on her lapel. Her sash is tied around her belt. She is still clutching the open envelope and the letter in her hand.

She stops next to the podium and gives a respectful bow of the head that Yudala Fon reciprocates, although it’s not as deep.

“High Curator. I am sorry for being late. May I say a few words?”

Yudala, however, cannot help but voice their concern as they step toward her and whisper to her. “Beauregard… are you sure? You’re visibly distraught. I know you wish to put on a strong face for their funeral, but…”

Beau just looks at the half-elf. “No, I’m not sure. At all. But I’d be a fucking idiot if I just kept running away.” She glances in the direction of the Mighty Nein before returning her gaze to Yudala Fon. “And besides, I already promised my family… that I wouldn’t run anymore.”

The High Curator nods. “Of course, Expositor. Then by all means, please.”

Yudala Fon steps aside and Beau takes their place. She stands before the podium and swallows hard, trying to stay calm. Her hands are clammy and shaky.

The crowd is not why she is so nervous. She is not one to shy away from public speeches. She has developed an entire talk in front of King Dwendal himself, after all.

No, the crowd is not the cause of her nervousness.

She is nervous because everything is about to become real. Once she finishes this speech, she will finally acknowledge the reality. Dairon will be gone for good, and she will have to move on. She knows she has to say goodbye, she owes it to her, but she is not sure she will be able to do so. She is not sure she is ready yet. But she’s already up and out, so...

She clears her throat. “I could tell you how good and qualified Expositor Dairon was at her job, but I think everybody here knows it already.”

She pauses, blinks a few times, and takes a deep breath. “The truth is, I don’t know what I could say that would reflect who they truly were. So maybe instead, I should tell you a bit about how I met them. Actually, I…” Her voice cracks and she is forced to stop.

She wants to do it, wants to make Dairon proud one last time, but she is not sure she can do it anymore. She closes her eyes for a moment and tries to regain some self-control, but she can feel the tears already gathering in her eyes. She panics and immediately looks for her friends in the crowd. She quickly finds them and sees they are all staring right at her with kind expressions.

Beau’s eyes stop on Jester as she discreetly signs. **Do you want us by your side?**

Beau doesn’t speak and simply nods as she mouths one word: “Please.”

Immediately, Jester turns to the rest of the Nein and whispers to them. Clara and they all stand as one, and they ignore the severe looks they receive from the audience.

They walk to the podium and all gather around Beau. Jester puts one hand on her back, just like she did on the day she faced Thoreau. Caleb puts his own on her shoulder, and the others follow suit. Soon, her mother and all of her friends are grabbing her, steadying her and making sure she feels supported.

Beau thanks them with a look and then takes a deep breath. “I was Dairon’s student for some time. Sadly, it was for far less time than I had spent with the Soul altogether, just barely a year and a half with them. It’s actually ironic. I met them because I had _fled_ from the Soul.”

She glances at Zeenoth who gives her a smile and a nod, and even says under his breath to her, ‘ _Go on, tell them_.’ Beau gives a sharp nod and continues. “Archivist Zeenoth was looking for me and asked for her help. When the two of them found me, I was far from the person you see standing in front of you today. In Dairon’s own words, I was ‘a wayward girl with no direction, was angry, and fighting at the world.’.”

She can’t help but nervously chuckle at this memory. She breathes in and out a few times. “At first, I defied her, just like I did with any figure of authority. I couldn’t trust anyone, especially those my… especially the one who had me sent away. I do not fault the monastery for that. I fault him. But when I tried to exhibit my usual flippant defiance… they retaliated accordingly. And then I fought back.”

She pauses and blindly looks for Yasha’s hand and squeezes it. “I think Dairon… No. I _know_ Dairon was the first person who made me feel seen. They looked past the insufferable brat that I was at that time. She saw… herself in me, they had said. And that they were bestowing the same ‘kindness’, if you can call it that, that she was given. And after that, I discovered what it felt like to be treated as an equal. Even when I was still their student, she listened to me, and they weren’t afraid to discipline me if I was straying too far. They took my words into account. Gave value to what I said. Trusted me, and my judgment.”

Beau finally gives a weak but present smile, perhaps the first time since that horrible day. “I like to think that just as she changed me… I did so in kind for them.”

She holds the letter tight, creasing the paper a little. “So, when you think of Dairon, think about the hero who offered the Empire a chance to look forward to brighter days, but also about the person who changed lives on an individual level, probably not only mine. She deserves to be recognized for her accomplishments. _All_ of them.”

Beau stops, knowing what she needs to say next… yet still afraid. This is the point of no return. Yudala Fon notices Beau faltering and moves to ask something, but then Beau clears her throat. She raises her head up high, staring out at no one in particular, but forward… eyes never shut.

She lets in a deep breath, exhales, and finally says what she needs to say. “Thank you for everything, Expositor Dairon. Thank you for teaching me to listen, to learn, to be patient… and to live. For the both of us. Thank you… and goodbye.”

Beau closes her eyes, and as she does, one single tear falls down. A single tear, for Dairon.

* * *

Those in attendance disperse after the funeral ends, and Beau is left standing at the podium, surrounded by her family.

Fjord stands in front of her with one hand on her shoulder. “How do you feel?”

“Horrible. But it’s done. And… I’d rather feel _something_ rather than _nothing_.”

Caleb still has his hand on her other shoulder. “It’s over. Now, it’s time to move forward.” He looks at the rest of their family. “For all of us.”

Not a single one of them has a dry eye. Especially Clara who just holds her daughter close.

“It does get easier, right?” Beau asks, that timid voice of her cracking ever so slightly.

Fjord and Caleb both nod, as does Yasha. “Yeah. It does.”

Yasha gently kisses the top of her head and then keeps her forehead pressed against hers. “Dairon will live through you, just like Molly lives through all of us. I know you will honor their memory.”

Veth looks at everyone and tries to keep a smile on her face. “Yeah. Yasha’s right. So why don’t we all go have dinner together? To celebrate Dairon. And to celebrate a new beginning for all.”

Everyone nods at Veth’s suggestion. But as they begin to file out, Beau hasn’t moved. When they turn back, Beau just smiles and nods. “I’m okay. You guys get started without me. I need to look into something. I’ll catch up later.”

Jester frowns upon hearing this. “Beau. You’re not going to isolate yourself again, are you?”

Beau shakes her head. “No. No. Just… something Dairon left for me to look at. I promise I won’t be long.”

Jester goes back to her and gives her a hug. “I’m proud of you, Beau.” She squeezes her arms around her and then joins the others, and they leave.

Beau takes a deep breath and tries to steady herself as she goes to Dairon’s office. Well… technically _her_ office now, she guesses. Even Beau is unsure as to what the hierarchy does at a time like this.

Her legs are trembling when she slowly opens the door. Everything is as she remembers from the last time she was here. Maybe that’s the worst part: nothing looks different, but everything is.

She closes the door and goes around the desk. She sits down just in time, as she is certain her legs were about to give out.

She knows there is something for her in the office, but Dairon didn’t give any indication as to where she was supposed to find it. She quickly looks around and starts going through all the drawers. Once she has searched all of them and hasn’t found anything, she looks at the shelves where numerous books are aligned. She cautiously stands up and weakly holds onto the bookcase when she gets in front of it.

A quick scan, and she spots the edge of a familiar tome. This damn book contained information that helped her to figure out what kind of curse was weighing on her. She takes it and looks through it. Near the end, two parchments are folded and put here, at the exact page where the Heartsbane is mentioned.

Beau retrieves them, puts the book back on the shelf and goes back to sit down at the desk.

She recognizes Dairon’s handwriting without a doubt as she unfolds the first parchment. This is another letter, but as Beau thinks it’s addressed to her, she quickly realizes this one is meant for Yudala Fon. Did Dairon misplace this? Or did they wish for Beau to hand it over to the High Curator?

Almost as if intentionally timed, Beau hears a knock on the door. She swiftly puts the two parchments in the inside pocket of her coat and stands up to go open. Her eyes widen a bit as she comes face to face with Yudala Fon themselves.

“High Curator.” She suddenly feels embarrassed, not sure she is supposed to be here. “Um… I was just-”

“Archivist Zeenoth told me he saw you heading here. I just wanted to check in on you.”

Now, Beau is genuinely surprised. “I’m… I will be okay.”

“Good.” They give Beau an intense look. “Exposi- Dairon… Dairon will be missed by a lot of people. But this must be hardest on you. I am sorry for your loss, Beauregard.”

“Thank you, High Curator. Um… Actually… I think I have something for you.”

Yudala Fon raises one eyebrow as Beau takes out the parchments and hands them the one which is addressed to them. “Dairon said there was something for me in her office, and I found this.”

The High Curator takes the letter, unfolds it and reads it. Beau waits patiently as their eyes go from line to line. When they’re done, they look up from the parchment, straight into Beau’s eyes. “Did you read this?”

Beau shakes her head.

“Did you ever ask Dairon anything about a promotion?”

“No. They… said some things. But I never asked to be promoted. Why?”

Yudala nods. “Well… as you know, we had to do some ‘cleaning up’, so to speak. We had found the means to remove the corruption even in our own midst. Expositor Kresh was, as always, quite exemplary in her duties.”

“I heard about that.” Beau knows full well the reputation of Sia Kresh, the High Curator’s right-hand woman, as the halfling was quite feared even among her fellow Expositors.

“And to be honest, Theolocrat Bruda was quite a pain in the ass, to borrow a bit of your crassness. But with the recent expulsion of several corrupt members of the Assembly, he was quite easy to convince to step down and was subsequently arrested. Even the king listened.”

“And the High Curator of this archive? What did he have to say about this? Wouldn’t he have objections to someone like… me getting promoted?”

Yudala sighs. “Loman Turray was also quite easy to convince. Without the Crown having as tight of a hold on his leash, he didn’t feel pressured to hold us at bay.”

She looks into Beau’s eyes. “And as of this morning, he came to me, asking if there were any worthy candidates to succeed him. I was considering some potential successors, but I guess this letter seals the deal.”

Beau furrows her brow as she asks to look at the letter addressed to Fon. They hand it to her and Beau quickly skims it and gapes.

“But… why me? I’m… I’m not one for something like _this._ I’m more useful out there and...”

“It seems Dairon thought otherwise. You don’t have to accept the position, though. The choice is yours.”

“I-I… I don’t know what to say… I need to think about it.”

Yudala pauses, but eventually nods. “I understand. But… I see there is one more document of interest on your person. One directly addressed to you.”

Beau freezes. Were they talking about Dairon’s farewell letter or…? She looks at the other article still in her hand and notices her name is on it.

Just wanting to get on with it, Beau opens the letter that was found in the book and hands it to Fon. But they reject it. “It’s addressed to _you_ , Beauregard, not I. That is your letter to open.” 

Beau frowns a bit, but opens the letter anyway. And what she skims from this one… leaves her even more confused than ever. The letter in question, from Dairon herself, mentions that Beau should consider a place at the Academy as a teacher, if she feels like things change enough within the new Assembly, or whatever will replace it.

In the event she would take her chance, this letter should serve as a recommendation as well, Dairon says.

Beau almost wants to laugh. Why is Dairon, even after their death, just bombarding her with all of this? But she knows the answer already.

_Because she trusts me, that’s why._

Beau is left with a pensive expression. “High Curator… Do you think the new Assembly would consider working with us in the future?”

“That is a question you should ask your wizard friend Mr. Widogast, I think. He was asked to help build this new organization, wasn’t he?”

This news comes across as a surprise to Beau. She wasn’t present to hear _this_. “He… He was approached to join them? First I’m hearing of this.”

Yudala nods. “Yes. But in my own personal opinion, I see it as a means of mending bridges. He was once a candidate for the Volstruckers, groomed by Trent Ikithon, was he not? And you… You are yourself an Expositor, trained by Dairon themself. The two of you, working together to unify our respective groups? It would be a far more effective measure than just keeping each other in check. But… this is just my own opinion. If we want things to be different this time, we should really change the power balance between our two organizations, don’t you think?”

**_“We can do some good, all of us. We can do some good.”_ **

**_“I think that's the best retribution for Caleb Widogast. Two pieces of shit like us doing some good?”_ **

Beau can’t help but let out a small laugh. But it is not one of mockery, or self-deprecation. It is a laugh of relief. This was something that she and Caleb, and all of the Nein, had fought for. And they succeeded.

They made the Empire better than what they found it.

And she’s only getting started.

“You know… that might not be such a bad idea,” Beau muses, a smile on her face. “And… I’ve kinda wanted to be a teacher someday.”

The half-elf smiles back. “Very well. If you still need some time to think it over, that is fine. You’re still in mourning right now, and I don’t wish to take any more of your time.”

“That reminds me,” Beau remembers. “I was going to find what I needed and go find my friends. We’re going to have a get-together. I should, uh, probably wrap things up here.”

She walks over to the desk and places her satchel there so she can take the parchments with her, but then she turns back to Yudala Fon. “Thank you for checking in on me, High Curator. I’ll… I’ll get back to you on that vacancy.”

The half-elf nods and makes their leave. As soon as they do, Beau closes the door, alone in the office again.

And yet, she’s not quite in the mood to leave just yet.

She sits on Dairon’s chair, takes a breath, and pulls out the letter once more. She lets Dairon’s words sink even a second time, forever grateful to her mentor in life and in death.

Just as she gets to the end once more, Beau hears a familiar ringing in her ear.

_“Beau! Where are you?! We’re at the Leaky Tap and we already started eating without you. What’s taking so long, slowpoke? You pooping or something?”_

Beau can’t help but smirk. “I’ll be right over, Jessie. Just had to do some light reading.”

Beau folds the letter and places it into her satchel, shouldering it before joining the Mighty Nein for some much-needed time together.

* * *

_Beauregard,_

_When I left for our battle into Rexxentrum, I had a feeling it would be my last. If you're reading this, it means I was right._

_You had confided in me about who you were at your most desperate, that you had believed that you were doomed to lose everything and that it would’ve been far easier to leave it on your own terms. Unfortunately, I was not given that luxury. Maybe the Knowing Mistress blessed me one last time with the knowledge of my nearing end so that I could put everything in order. Although there wasn't much to put in order, to begin with._

_Whatever happened during this battle, please, don't blame yourself. I know you and I know all too well how you will probably react. Mourn if you need to, cry if you need to, but I implore you Beauregard, my friend, don't blame yourself. I know you hate goodbyes, but they're part of life too. Whether they leave your life or this world, people will be gone eventually. You have probably figured it out by now, but this is what I meant._

_Know that I leave with no regret. You shouldn't, either. And know that as much as I had helped change your view of the world, you did the same for myself. You convinced me to put aside my past prejudice towards the Kryn._

_And you convinced me that trying to do everything alone, with no desire for accolades, means little. I had told you before that no one has to see what you're doing if it's good as long as it's doing good. But I was wrong. Because that is not who you were. I only wish I had realized that sooner._

_I don't want to speak for you, but I think it's safe to say meeting each other was a blessing for both of us. For me, it was a true pleasure to teach you, as short as it lasted, and a true honor to fight by your side._

_If you can, please, thank Zeenoth on my behalf. He was the reason we got to meet each other in the first place, after all._

_There is nothing to forgive, but if you need forgiveness for what happened to be able to move on, then here it is: I forgive you. Now, you have to forgive yourself. Stay true to who you are, because who you are has always been enough, no matter what you were told._

_But if these words alone are not enough to sway you, yet you have the strength to face forward, go to my office when you are prepared. Perhaps what you find will convince you in my stead._

_Maybe it will sound a little pompous, but I hope that one day, you will be able to pass on my teachings. Perhaps you will take your brother under your wing when he comes of age. But time will tell._

_May Ioun’s gaze watch over you, my friend. I’m proud of you. And I hope that you do not forget._

_Listen. Be patient. And live. For the both of us. Until the day I see you again._

_Dairon_

* * *

#  **Epilogue: A Second Beginning**

* * *

##  **One Year Later, 837 P.D.**

A cold wind blows across the wastelands of Xhorhas, occasionally whistling as it meets an obstacle.

The day is sunny, but in the early winter, the rays of sun are not enough to keep them warm. They are all wrapped up in thick furs and clothes, though not as thick as the ones they were wearing in Eiselcross. They’re not even cold, actually.

You’re never cold again once you’ve been to Eiselcross.

The Mighty Nein silently watch from afar, as Yasha and Beau slowly make their way to a small mound marked by a nondescript stone. It had taken so long to find it, if only because Yasha had been so scared to ask either of their clerics if she even had one, but eventually they did.

And so they find themselves here, on one last “adventure”. One last ghost from the past to let rest in peace.

Zuala’s grave.

Yasha stops in front of it. She can hardly believe it. She finally found her and her resting place. The goal she had long sought for, the last thing she wished to do for her, and its conclusion was finally in sight.

She squeezes Beau’s hand and the monk looks at her. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to her like Caduceus suggested?”

Yasha stays still for a moment, and then shakes her head. “She already told me what she needed to say. Besides… I want to remember her as I knew her, not as… some long decomposed corpse. I don’t even want to imagine what she looks like under there.”

Beau nods. “Yeah. I mean, I have a few words to say as well… but we can say them here. No need to rouse her from her sleep, you know?”

Yasha silently nods and swallows. Beau tightens her grip around her hand. “Do you want to give her the flowers now, or later?”

Yasha remains silent. Her eyes suddenly get shiny as she swallows again. She keeps staring at the grave. “Is this what it felt like with Dairon? Like… you were accepting the truth?”

“Kinda. Except I was isolating myself in my own room before I could even summon the courage. And we weren’t in the middle of nowhere.” Yasha chuckles sadly. “But it is the same feeling of… finality.”

The aasimar stares a little longer before she releases Beau’s hand. She reaches into her bag and pulls out her book. She looks at it for a moment, both hands tightly clinging onto it.

Beau rubs Yasha’s arm. “I can wait with the others, if you want some privacy.”

Yasha sniffles. “No, it’s okay. Stay. _Please_.”

The aasimar takes a step forward and crouches down. Her legs are trembling and so she ends up kneeling down on the ground. She looks at the stone. It’s blank, except for a roughly engraved inscription:

**ZUALA OF THE DOLORAV.**

Yasha grits her teeth and clenches her fists. How dare they? They killed one of their own, would have killed her hadn’t she fled, and yet even in death they still claim her as one of them.

She puts the book down and draws the Skingorger. Before Beau can question her, she swiftly stands up, suddenly driven by her anger and sorrow, and with one wide swipe, she carves out the last part of the inscription, leaving just Zuala’s name.

She breathes in and sticks her sword in the ground, right next to the stone. She then takes the book in one hand, and digs a bit of the dirt away from the base with the other. And then, with the utmost care, Yasha wraps the book in her shawl, removes it, and places them both into the hollowed-out spot.

“Will you help me?”

Beau doesn’t even need to guess what Yasha’s asking. She kneels down next to her wife as they both bury the shawl-wrapped book until the dirt is packed in and is smooth once more.

Yasha takes one more look at the stone. She kisses the tip of her now muddy fingers and then gently puts her hand over Zuala’s name. “I’m moving on, but I will always love you.”

Beau, with only a tiny bit of trepidation, places her own fingers over Yasha’s. As she does, she closes her eyes and imbues the stone with a minor magical effect. Yasha can suddenly hear the faint sound of thunder. At first she thinks it’s the sky before realizing it’s coming from the stone itself. She realizes that it’s something Beau decided to imprint.

“Thank you… for giving her the strength to live,” Beau says under her breath. “And for helping me. I’ll… I’ll do as you asked. I’ll take care of our Yasha.”

While the wind calmed down before, it suddenly picks up again as it briskly blows in their hair and they can’t help smiling a bit. If they were followers of the Wildmother like Caduceus and Fjord, they might see it as a sign. But even if they’re not, they want to believe it’s one.

“I still think about it often.”

Yasha turns to Beau. “About what?”

“Whether things could’ve been different… if I had the courage to pull you aside that day in A2.” Beau can’t help but look Yasha in the eye now. “If only I weren’t such a coward, then maybe… you know?”

Yasha muses on what Beau is saying. “Perhaps. But what’s done is done. The choices we made brought us here.”

Beau nods at her wife’s wisdom. She stands up and the two walk away from the site, hand in hand, leaving the Skingorger as a sign of their passage and reuniting with the Mighty Nein who are still looking on from a distance.

“Even so… I can’t help but wonder.”

“Yes. Too often do we think of what could’ve been. Gods know I’ve had such days.”

Beau gives a smile. “Does it sound crazy if I told you what I’d imagine could’ve gone down?”

Yasha just shakes her head. “Beauregard… everything you say sounds crazy. But that craziness is what helped us connect everything regarding the Eyes of Nine.”

“That tracks,” Beau quickly admits. “Still...”

Before she can stop herself, Beau just starts rambling her ass off, which weirdly catches the attention of all of the Nein. Not a single one can pull away from her thoughts, especially not Yasha.

* * *

_Time._

_When you move through it, from moment to moment, you make choices. Each choice guides the next path of where this timeline will go._

_But when you make that choice, so many potential timelines are left to decay. So much potential lost to redistribute into the universe._

_This was but one divergent possibility, splintering from an endless font of potential outcomes._

_A glimpse of what could’ve been, branching off from a specific choice unmade…_

_But what if Fate had other plans on that one particular day?_

_What if… that choice_ was _made after all?_

* * *

Without question, this was the weirdest shit Beau had seen in her life, and she’s seen a lot.

The Mighty Nein had made their way through Eiselcross with the eventual destination plan of reaching the central ruins of Aeor, which sat to the east across a volcanic river of magma.

They had traveled to the site designated A2, where they stood now, trying to head off the Tomb Takers for what seemed to be one of the artifacts they're attempting to gather before heading to Aeor themselves. They managed to buy time by flying in the air via giant eagles, and upon trekking deep within, they had encountered strange locales and ancient Aeorian citizens, frozen in some sort of weird, magical time bubble. Deeper still into the ruin, they had discovered strange laboratories, one of which housed a horrifying, mutated abomination.

That was an experience Beau hoped to never repeat again.

The sudden sensation of being stunned, helpless, and unable to escape as she was grabbed and swallowed by such a creature. It was only through her ingenious move of dumping her entire pack of suude into its gullet, which bought her enough time to be pulled out by Veth and Yasha.

An escape hatch they discovered had led to an even further subterranean, nearly petrified forest, corrupted by some sort of unknown source. The forest itself reminded Beau of the Savalirwood, specifically the blight that had infested the Clay family’s home, the Blooming Grove. But beyond that, they came upon a hallway and stairs that descended into a blue-lit chamber, in the same direction that Jester's _Locate Object_ spell had indicated the second threshold crest they sought would be. Caleb had just dispelled the magical barrier that had prevented entry and they began trekking down the stairways into a blue-lit, familiar chamber.

And yet, all that was on her mind, for quite a long time… was Yasha. The aasimar barbarian that wrote Beau a letter. And Beau had been planning on telling Yasha about it, that it moved her. It made her feel seen. It made her feel… hopeful. Yet she also felt overwhelmed, nervous, scared.

She had gone through one near-death experience already today. She is unsure as to what else lay ahead for the Mighty Nein. What if she never gets another chance? She should say something, _anything_ , just to get it out in the open.

…

A hand is placed on the stomach of the barbarian beside her. Yasha looks at Beau, confused, as the Mighty Nein walks forward ahead of them. Beau notices the look on Yasha’s face, the thought on her mind just screaming to be spoken aloud.

And so… she does.

“I'm really, really nervous. Oddly, it's not because of this...”

#  **FIN**

#  **To be continued on Critical Role. Is it Thursday Yet?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. We made it to the end. But it's not quite the end. Not when we've arrived back at the beginning.
> 
> Or rather, back to the "second beginning".


End file.
